All language subtitles for MASH.S11E16.Goodbye.Farewell.and.Amen.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Brett, have you
seen these orders?

That's the young fellow
we had in here.

WOMAN: Yeah, we've been hearing
about that for weeks now.

SIDNEY: So how
are you feeling?

HAWKEYE:
Great. How are you?

You look a little thin,
don't you?

How have you been sleeping?

On my back.

The bed is terrible here.

You can feel the springs
right through the mattress.

Mm-hmm.

Yesterday you were
going to tell me

about
that day at the beach.

It was great. Very hot.

A lot of people say too much
sun is no good for you.

And, you know, carcinomas
can result from that.

This, of course, would
concern me as a physician.

I'd like to get
back to the beach.

Hey, go ahead.
Take the rest of the day off.

What happened that day?

You know, I really should
be allowed to go home!

I-- There's nothing
wrong with me.

What was it like at the beach?

HAWKEYE: It was great.
It was the 4th of July.

-There was a lot
of fighting going on,

but it was way
over at Kumsong,

so Colonel Potter gave
most of us the day off.

We went to a cove
north of Inchon,

-and we had a great time.

WOMAN: I got it!

WOMAN: Klinger!

MAN :

Not fair, fella!
That's against the rules!

HAWKEYE: We had a great
time, and we went home.

SIDNEY: What was that like?

Going home?

Hilarious. Amusing.

Genial. Joyful.
Raucous. Funny.

What happened?

It was great. We were
laughing and singing.

We passed a bottle around.

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪Gently down the stream ♪

Can we please have
that bottle back here?

-This guy can't wait!
-♪ Life is but a dream

So you had a great time
on the bus.

And so we had a great
time on the bus.

And so we enjoyed ourselves.

And so and so and so and so
and so and so and so.

I'm not, however,
having a great time here.

First place, I don't like
the color of there walls,

if you can call that a color.

I don't know
what's on those walls,

but I think it the fan first

-Come in.

There's a phone call
for Captain Pierce.

Good time as any
for a break.

Yeah. Let's knock off
till Christmas.

Rooms may not be much here,
but they got a great bellhop.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

"Yello." Snake pit.
We never close.

Hawk, it's B.J.!
How you doin'?

How the hell do you
think I'm doing?

I've been locked up for the
last week in a wackateria.

Well, listen,
Sidney's the doctor.

You want a laugh?
He says you're the doctor.

I'm the doctor!
I sew people back together.

Why is he keeping a brilliant
surgeon locked up?

I mean,
what's behind that?

Uh, look, um, Father Mulcahy
would like to say hello.

Hello, Hawkeye.

Need anything? Can we send
anything down to you?

Yeah. How about
a Band-Aid for my finger?

I got a blister
from going

Uh, yes, well, I'll
see what I can do.

Uh, uh, perhaps,
uh, Colonel Potter, uh,

uh, could, uh,

uh, hmm.

Pierce,
we miss you here.

I miss me there, too.

It's lonely here,
especially at night.

I do hear the guy in the next
room. He cries all night.

Uh, so, uh...

Oh, listen, have you
heard the latest?

The truce talks are on again.

-Yeah?
-They must be serious

about peace this time

because the fighting's
gotten a lot worse.

They're trying to grab
more real estate

before they sign, you know.

Lots of casualties.

Yeah, well, just remember.
Every day

you let them keep
your best surgeon from you,

you're killing patients.

Uh, uh, Pierce,

Margaret won't rest
till I put her on the phone.

Now, you just hold on there.

Hawkeye?

"Thpeaking."

No. You'll be great.

How do you feel?

Like a hostage. How about you?

Oh, same old stuff.

This and that, ups and downs.
Uh, what can I say?

Well, that pretty much covers
it. Nice talking to you.

Oh, it was great
talking to you!

You just take care
of yourself, okay?

Mmm.

Klinger
wants to say hello!

What do you say, Captain?

Hello, Klinger.

Hey, you sound perfectly
normal to me.

How is it there?
You crazy about the place?

Oh, he loves it!

He loves it.

Can you believe
that Syngman Rhee?

We almost got peace,
and he wants to keep fighting.

- No, no, no.
-This could go on forever!

Uh, Pierce?
Hello. It's me again.

Don't listen to him.
Peace is right
around the corner.

We're all making plans
for home. Isn't that right?

I can't wait to get
back to the States

and work in a real hospital

with sanitary conditions
and regular shifts

and plain old
ordinary diseases.

B.J. says
he's gonna make a ring

out of his first
kidney stone.

Ah.

You just take care of
We all miss you here.

Then get me out.

Well, he didn't
sound too bad.

He was more relaxed
than I was.

You got to know how
to handle people like that.

Hunnicutt!

I've had a lot of experience
with mental illness.

One of the guys I grew up with
back in Toledo, Eddie Fahey.

Crazy as a fruitcake.
Potter.

He ran into a light post.

Ended up with a steel
plate in his skull.

You know those little black
and white Scottie dogs

with the magnets in 'em?

He used to wear one
on his forehead.

-Houlihan.
-Klinger.

POTTER: We gotta do something
about these refugees.

We're not zoned for this.

Have a detail build a pen
for those animals

back behind Rosie's.

Hi. Can I take a look at you?

Colonel, does that look
like pellagra to you?

Sure could be. Let's
line them up for physicals.

-Klinger, we gotta take--
-Got it, sir.

We'll use the VIP tent.

Just a second. Soon-Lee!

Soon-Lee, will you tell
all these people

the doctor wants to examine
them, make sure they're okay?

Uh, yes.

POTTER: What's the latest
count, Sergeant?

Sir, we got 10 new P.O.W.s
in this morning.

It's getting
pretty crowded in there.

We'll have to let out the
seams on that barbed wire.

I'll check these guys
after I look at the refugees.

We better get peace fast.

Sneaking up on it
like this is killin' us.

Well, you know how armies are
try to take their war away.

Sergeant, give these men
more blankets, extra rations,

and another latrine trench.

Not necessarily
in that order.

I'll be back. South Korea's
in my waiting room.

Oh! Wonderful!

-Charles! Charles!
-Huh.

I just got the most wonderful
letter from my father.

-How nice.
-He doesn't think

I should go back to
the States after the war.

-Doesn't he?
-He's been talking

to some of his friends
in the army,

and he's arranged
to have me assigned

to an administrative
post in Tokyo!

Of course,
I'd be out of nursing,

but he says it's the best
way to get promoted!

Incredible news.
I am tickled pink.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Well, excuse me
for bothering you.

I'm just trying
to work out my future.

You have your life
all mapped out.

Oh, do I? It so happens

I've heard from a friend
in Boston who informs me

that my application to be
chief of thoracic surgery

at Boston Mercy
may be turned down.

That's terrible. Why?

Because while I
have been sharpening

my surgical skills
here in Korea,

a certain incompetent
has been sharpening

his political skills
in Boston.

And he's slithering in
ahead of me.

Charles, I can't believe
you won't get it.

Well, I wish I could share
your optimism, Margaret,

but right now, I have
a hundred Boy Scouts
tying knots in my colon.

Every hour on the hour,
I receive the siren call
from the latrine.

The last hour just about up.

If you will excuse me now.

Have you tried
another hospital?

There is no other hospital.

Boston Mercy
is the finest in New England.

I know.
I know somebody there.

Bully for them!
If you'll excuse me,

-I am now in an extreme hurry.

What's the matter with you?

You drive this thing
like it's a lethal weapon!

Oh, my. Corpsman!

His tank broke down.

When the crew were repairing
it, they was fired on.

-Scalpel.
-Scalpel.

He was the only one who made
it back into the tank.

-Sponge.
-Sponge.

-He's lost a lot of blood.
-I'll suction.

MAN :
Attention, all personnel!

We're patched
into Armed Forces Radio

for a special broadcast.

-It sounds big, folks.

This is Robert Pierpoint
in Seoul.

I've just returned
from outside

the newly-built
conference hall in Panmunjom.

The hall is a symbol of
the renewed hope for peace.

It is almost finished,

and you can still smell
the greenness of the wood.

Two years of constant
disappointment

have made skeptics of us all.

However, the word
from Panmunjom today

is that an armistice
agreement

may be reached
at almost any hour.

While one of the bloodiest
battles of the war rages on,

it seems peace
is finally within our grasp.

Yee-hee!

-Shh. Quiet!

-...and agreement
on a final truce line.
-Shut your traps!

But after a week of secret
sessions in Panmunjom,

the Red delegates
have finally announced

they will discuss
preparations

for signing
the armistice agreement.

There is certainly
some distance

to go in these negotiations,

but for the first time
in over three years,

the end of this bloody road
that we've traveled

seems only steps away.

This is Robert Pierpoint
in Seoul.

ANNOUNCER: We return you now
to our regular programming

This is the
Armed Forces Network.

-WOMAN:

Thank you, Dr. Freedman.
I won't require
your services anymore.

Where you headed, soldier?

The war's coming to an end.

Everybody's on stage
for the finale.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to exchange my straitjacket

for something in a 39 normal.

So if you'll call me a taxi,
I'll be on my way.

It's so hard to find a cab
in this part of the war.

Besides, I don't think
you're quite ready to leave.

Sidney, listen to me.
I'm a doctor.

There is nothing
wrong with me.

That's what you said the night
they brought you here.

You'd just driven your jeep

through the wall
of the Officers Club

and ordered a double bourbon.

That was strange.
I drink martinis.

And that morning, you wanted
to operate on a patient

without an anesthetic.

You accused the anesthetist

of trying to smother him
with the mask.

Before we call you a cab,

I think we have
a little more talking to do.

-Colonel!
-Good morning, Soon-Lee.

Uh, that man at motor pool
tell me to speak to you.

-He did, huh?
-Yes.

-I know how to drive jeep.
-Well, good for you.

He say you give okay,
I can have one.

Whoa, little lady.
I'm a bit confused here.

I tell you. I go looking
all over countryside

for my parents.

Too much walking.
Jeep is faster, yes?

Oh, I'm sorry. Jeeps are only
for people in the army.

But soon it be too late.
I never find them.

Look, I'd like to help.
But there are lots
of folks around here

looking for their families,
and the sad fact is

we don't have time to be
a missing persons bureau.

-Klinger's lending you
a hand, isn't he?
-Yes, he is.

I'm sure he'll do all he can.
Now the best of luck to you.

CHARLES: Just a minute!

You handle our food
and dig latrines?

Don't worry, sir.
I always wash my hands
before I dig the latrines.

I don't understand why
it should take so long

to construct
a simple potty shed.

Winchester, you'll just have
to use the ravine latrine

like everybody else.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Rome? Rome?

Hey, take it easy.
What's going on here?

This is my mother's shawl!

This woman trade my mother
food for it in Chorwon.

Day before yesterday,
my mother was in Chorwon!

-She's alive! She's alive!

-Come on.
-Where?

We go call Chorwon.
Maybe my family's still there.

I don't know
if we can get through.

Chorwon
keeps changing hands!

-We try! Come on!
-Okay, okay.

Hey. Hang on a second.

Uh, two bucks
for the shawl.

Four bucks. Four bucks
for the shawl.

Ah, thank you.
Here. Here.

Here.
When we find your mom,

you can give this
back to her.

Thank you.

Come on!

-Oh-oh!

I-- I am a doctor.

I-- I-- I am also ill.
I am a doctor and a patient.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll be right here.

No, no, no! Now, wait.

Now, don't-- Now,
don't you do that! No!

My God, they're musicians.

Yes. Yes, I see. Now...

-Uh, all right. Shush!

That-- That will be all.
Thank you.

Stay!

Stay!

-Don't you think
a portable radio

would be more convenient?

I believe these gentlemen
have surrendered.

Let's get 'em inside
and process 'em, Corporal.

Come on, boys. Not too much
solid food right away.

They probably couldn't
hold it down.

I'll make sure
the motorcycle
doesn't escape.

Major, I think there's
a definite medal

in capturing five Chinese
in your bathrobe.

- Yeah.

Now what happened on the bus?

Nothing.
You're wasting your time.

Well, you never know.

What can I tell you?
We were having a great time.

We were laughing,
and we had a bottle.

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

Can we please have
that bottle back here?

This guy can't wait!

Where did that soldier
come from?

He needed the bottle.

Keep going.

He needed the bottle,
so we gave it to him.

Can we please have
that bottle back here?

This guy can't wait!

So he was wounded.

I guess he was.

I wonder why
you repressed that.

Sergeant, we're looking
for a family named Han.

They're refugees,
originally from Kumwa.

Klinger, get off the phone.
I've got to send a telegram.

Uh, tell them my father is
a little man, dark hair.

Mr. Han is a little man
with dark hair.

Mother is short,
dark hair.

Yeah, right. The mother
also isn't too tall.

And brother, uh,
short, dark hair.

I think they got the idea.

Klinger, I want
to send a telegram.

What? All right,
but before you go--

Boy! That one
did sound close!

They gotta get out of there.

They're gonna be
overrun any minute.

-Klinger!
-Working on it, Major. Go.

This goes to Robert Harwell,
Chairman of the Board,

Mercy Hospital,
Boston, Massachusetts.

-Dear Uncle Bob--
-Gee, your uncle
runs a hospital.

-He's not really my uncle.
-Oh, that kind of uncle.

-I get it.
-He's a friend of the family's!

I've been calling him that
since I'm a kid. Now be quiet!

-Why did you not tell
them about my brother?
-I tried!

-Klinger, pay attention!
-Dear Uncle Bob.

Sergeant, get on the phone
to I-Corps.

Colonel, please. Have known
Major Winchester two years.

Klinger,
I've got North Koreans
up to my southern border,

and I want to get them
out of here!

-Yes, sir.
-Now they be looking

for two people,
not three!

They're not looking for
anybody. They're leaving.

Will you listen?

Have worked with Major
Winchester two years. Stop.

One of the finest surgeons
I've ever known.

-Stop.
-Stop!

Tell I-Corps that tank
is still sitting out there

and this is not
a parking lot.

His two years here

equals ten years
any stateside hospital.

-Klinger, will you--
-Let me read this.

Don't you have
a piece of paper

that proves
I'm in charge here?

Colonel, I'm on my way
to the orphanage.

I'm taking them some sulfa,
and I need your initials.

-You know, that tank has--
-And some aspirin.

-And the same goes--
-And, uh, penicillin.

Padre! We need
a few drugs here, too.

-Just trying.
-Klinger, get on that phone.

And sign it "Love to you
and Aunt Betsy, Margaret."

-Margaret!
-You know, it's very hard

to think in here
with all this noise!

What is that atrocious odor?

Yellow.

Well, put the lid on it.
You're distracting me.

Charles, I'd much rather
be distracting my neighbors

back in Mill Valley.

My kid has her second
birthday coming up,

and if they don't
sign that damn truce,

it'll be the second
one I've missed.

Silence!

Silence!

I want an immediate end
to this hideous caterwauling!

I, uh-- Shh.

I am trying to listen
to music on my phonograph.

Yeah. Music, eh?
Do you know what music is?

Oh!

No! No! Stop! Cut!

I am trying to listen
to Mozart.

-Ah. Mo--
-Do you understand?

-Mozart?
-Mozart.

Shh. Mozart.

MAN :
Attention, all personnel!

Incoming wounded!
Bring your shoes.

This may be our last dance
before we go home.

Don't you have somebody else
to talk to?

You know, the guy
in the blue robe out there

thinks he's
General MacArthur.

If you do a good job
on him,

he could probably
get you promoted.

You have to catch him
in the morning.

In the afternoon he wades
ashore in the bathtub.

You know, people would
like you a lot better

if you didn't stare at them.

The bus.

HAWKEYE: We had
to stop the bus

and pick up some refugees.

About half a mile later,
we took on some wounded G.I.s.

-We got room in the back?
-Yeah. Take 'em in the back.
I'll be right back there.

I gotcha. Just grab that.
I got him. No, I got him.

We gotta get this bus
into the bushes.

There's an enemy patrol
coming down the road.

Let's kill those lights.

Quiet. Now nobody make a sound
until they've passed us.

-And then?
-Well, we sat and waited,

and the evening passed,

and then this happened,
and that happened,

and this and that and so

and so and so and so
and so and so and so.

Uh-huh.

Yahoo!

♪ California,
here I come ♪

Yah-hah! ♪ Right back
where I started from ♪

-What's gotten into you?
-I'm getting out of here!

-I'm going home!
-Home?

What are you talking about,
you're going home?

-Let me see this.

"Captain B.J. Hunnicutt."

"San Francisco."
San Francisco?

♪ Sun-kissed miss
says "Don't be late" ♪

This doesn't seem possible.

Seems real possible to me.

They wouldn't send
one of my surgeons home

and not tell me.
This has to be a mistake.

Sure it is. Look,
we all make mistakes.

Forgive and forget.
That's my motto.

This makes up
for the mistake they made

when they drafted me
in the first place.

Suppose you call I-Corps
and confirm it.

Suppose we call I-Corps,
and they deny it?

You're right. This calls
for blind faith and fast feet.

Look, son, nobody likes
a good snafu better than I do,

but this doesn't seem
fair to everyone else.

A lot of these folks have been
longer than you have.

Colonel, who would mind?

I'll ask. Folks, everybody?

Can I have your attention
for just a moment, please?

My little daughter--
My little daughter Erin

is having her second
birthday next week.

I haven't seen her since she
was just a little baby.

Would you pass that around?

A few minutes ago,
I got orders to go home!

Now, I realize

that some of you have been
here longer than I have,

but if there is no
strong objection,

it would surely mean a lot
to me and my little girl--

Doesn't she have
a beautiful smile?

...if I could be there

to wish her a happy
birthday in person.

-So what do you say?

The vox khaki.

I can't run a hospital
without surgeons.

Who's supposed
to replace you?

What would you say
if we found

a first-class surgeon
to take my place?

That's fair enough.

Well...

-Come on. Let him try.

-I guess I'd say bon voyage.

Everybody, under the tables!

Those P.O.W.s are locked up
out there like sittin' ducks!

-MARGARET: Father,
come back here!
-B.J.: Father!

MARGARET: Father!

Father, come back here!

I got him. Get the rest
of those guys out of here.

Corpsman!

Couple more. Corpsman!

Real gently, get him up.
Easy. Keep him level.

-NURSE: Doctor!

Till we get that tank
out of here,

I want everybody wearing
helmets in the compound.

MAN: Got to go to the Supply
tent and get more of those...

Goldman, get a detail
and start sandbagging
this building.

-How is he?
-He's coming around.

It was just a mild concussion
and some skin abrasions.

I'll know more later.

Colonel,
is everyone all right?

They'll be okay.

You're quite a guy, Padre.

-MAN: Coming through.
-What did he say?

He said
you're quite a guy.

What?

Why are you both mumbling?

Turn your head.

I'm having trouble
hearing you.

What's wrong with me?

Do you have a ringing
or a buzzing in your ears?

Yes, I have.

You may have done some
damage to the inner ear.

Tinnitus.

Well, that's not
serious, is it?

I won't know for sure till I
get you a hearing test,

but I'm kind of concerned.

Why concerned?

Well, if you've damaged
the nerve center,

you could lose your hearing.

Tell you
what I'd like to do

is get you down
to the evac hospital

for diagnosis
and observation.

They wouldn't send me home
because of this, would they?

If it doesn't get better,
they might.

It depends how bad it gets.

Listen,

there are 40 children
at Sister Theresa's orphanage.

I bring them food
and clothing and medicine.

They depend on me.

I know. You're the only
father they've got.

I'm not leaving here if I have
to leave them in the lurch.

I want you to give me
your solemn promise

that no one except you
will know about this.

Okay, Father. I understand.

This is just
between you and me.

What?

Yes!

-It's your move.
-I know.

Oh, MacArthur and Truman
are talking again.

Yesterday, he fired him
and sent him home.

-You can't do that.
-Yes, I can.

It's against the rules.

Yeah? Well I don't
like rules.

MacArthur's always
trying to attack China
with his king.

-And I don't cheat.
-Yes, you do!

-I don't! And don't say--

Shut up! Just be quiet,
will you!

Will somebody
shut these guys up?

SIDNEY: Jensen!

They don't bother me

till they start
squawking like chickens.

Not that I have anything
against chickens personally.

They're a much maligned
bird in my book.

I mean,
take the common fallacy

that chickens are afraid.

Who else has the nerve to run
after you cut their heads off?

Have you ever seen a chicken
break out in a cold sweat?

Have you ever known a chicken
to have a weak handshake?

I mean, I'll grant you,
they're afraid of flying.

In a recent survey,
two out of three chickens
preferred to take the bus.

But what about their
contributions to society, hmm?

I mean, just think of
the great chickens of history.

It's hard to think of any,
isn't it?

Chickens take the bus.

As a matter of fact,
there was a chicken on the bus.

And it was driving me crazy.

Every time it made a noise,

I the Chinese
would hear it and find us.

Everybody's life was in danger
because of that damn chicken!

"Paint garage bright yellow."

We haven't heard anything
about a replacement
for me yet, have we?

I think the "we"
you are referring to
is you and Klinger.

-If you don't know, ask him.
-Right.

Mildred can't wait
for my retirement.

Sent me
a whole list of things

we can do together
when I get home.

I got a list like that
myself.

-You did?
-It's funny.

You know what I'm looking
forward to the most?

All the things
I used to avoid--

cleaning the garage,

clearing out
the rain gutters.

Yeah. I got that here
on Mildred's list.

Fixing the holes
in the screens.

Yep. Right here.

You got
clipping the azaleas?

I have to prune
the lemon tree.

You know,
to some people,

things like that can
sound pretty boring.

Yeah, look at this list.

Not an interesting
thing on it.

There was a time when Peg
just couldn't get me

involved
in that kind of stuff.

It didn't seem exciting.

Just one boring thing
after another.

I tell you. Right now

I feel like I could
do chores like that

for the rest of my life.

Yeah. Well,
I'm gonna be doin' them

for the rest of my life.

Hmm.

Chorwon is very close.

You get jeep.
We be there in one hour.

We be back by dinnertime.

Soon-Lee,
we go to Chorwon,

we'll have Chinese food
for dinner.

The enemy's all over
the place up there.

Klinger,
did you find me
a surgeon yet?

Don't you read the papers?

There's a lot of
fighting going on.

All the spare doctors
are over in Kumsong.

Not all of them.
I happen to know

that Artie Jacobson is
just sitting around Tokyo

-with nothing to do.
-Okay, I'll ask him.

Don't ask him. Tell him.
I want to go home.

Boy, what a lucky guy.

I'd give anything
to be back in Toledo.

Sitting in Packo's
with the guys,

having a beer and eating a dog

while the chili sauce
drips down your arm.

Of course,
this is nice, too.

No patrol can find them!

As soon as they fire off
three rounds,

they must pack up
and move to a new location!

What? Oh, yeah.
I understand, Colonel.

I-Corps.

I am specifically ordered
not to touch that tank,

and it may be days before
the owner comes and gets it.

Why don't you just tell 'em
this is a hospital?

As long as that tank
is here, we're a target.

Boy, you must think
I am the biggest dunce

since the monkey wrapped
his tail around the flagpole.

Don't you think
that's what I told him?

I can take care of my job.
You go act like a sergeant!

Unless you want to try
something lower!

Is he any calmer? He was
talking a mile a minute
the last time I saw him.

We made progress,
but we're not done yet.

So do you think I should tell
him I'm going home soon?

Would that throw him?

Good question. Why don't you
just play it by ear?

HAWKEYE: Yeah?

-I brought you a present.
-Hi.

Look at you.

Just visiting, or did you
get a leak in your beanbag?

I missed you.

Yeah, me, too.

I have to go
read a few inkblots.

I'll see you guys later.

I'd have brought
the whole still,

but it would have been tough
to sneak past the guards.

Mmm.

How's work?

We're keeping busy.

Well,
it's a nice location.

You get a lot
of drop-in business.

I'll be glad to give it
all up to go home.

What makes you think
you're going home?

Well,
you know, eventually.

Someday we're gonna
get out of here.

Seems like the whole world has
gone by while we've been here.

You know, Erin's
second birthday's coming up?

Last time I saw her,
she was so small,

her hand wouldn't fit
around my finger.

She wore these little
baby booties

you could fit
into a shot glass.

You know, I wear the same
boots I got when I came here.

Yeah. Well, anyway,
I really miss her,

even though just about
the only thing I remember

is her big toothless grin.

Yeah, well,
that's the thing, see?

Toothless grin.

Fingers, boots, shot glasses.

There's a common thread
running through all of this.

I mean, you could've said
a ball of twine, toothbrushes,

chewing gum under the seat
at the theater.

I found chewing gum
under the seat

at the Rialto
in Kennebunkport.

Charles Boyer was trying
to drive Ingrid Bergman crazy

in Gaslight.

"The light's going dim!"

"No, it's not. You're crazy."

Now, she knew
she wasn't going crazy.

The audience knew
she wasn't going crazy.

And this French guy is trying
to have her put away!

Now I'd like to know why.

I mean, all right,
she had a Swedish accent,

but we're still talking about
an American citizen here.

I want to know where they get
the gall to lock up a surgeon!

And I'm talking about
the finest surgeon
you'll ever see.

-Sidney?
-I'll tell you.

They're not
keeping me here.

There are people
I can call, you know,

very highly placed people.

-What's up?
-Oh, hi.

We were just
talking about you.

I'm sorry if I got you
a little agitated.

I'm not even miffed yet.

You want to see agitated?

I can be aggravated,
infuriated,

frustrated, "vexated,"
and irritated.

Maybe Hawkeye and I should
talk alone for a while.

Yes, why don't we do that?

Go. What are you
waiting for?

I don't know.
I-- I... just thought

there might be something we
wanted to say to each other
before I left.

So tell me
the next time you see me.

I'm not gonna be here forever.

I can guarantee you that!

Yeah.

Well...

I'll see you.

You want to tell me
what you and B. J.
were talking about?

Same thing
he always talks about.

What's that?

Fingers, smiles, teeth,
booties.

Was there anything about
that you found upsetting?

No. I'll tell you what I find
upsetting is being in here.

I want you
to get me out of here.

I don't care how you do it!

You can put me on a plane,
on a train, on a bus,

on a slow boat to China.

I'll go out on a mouse-drawn
chariot. I don't care what!

A bus, huh?

Again with the bus?

Why don't you subscribe
to Arizona Highways

and leave me alone?

It's more fun with you.

Keep that damn chicken quiet!

Then what happened?

Then I went back toward
the front of the bus.

What happened next?

There's something wrong
with it.

It stopped making noise.

It just... just stopped.

Sh-She killed it.
She killed it.

She killed the chicken?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I didn't mean
for her to kill it!

I did not!

I-- I just wanted it
to be quiet!

It was-- It was a baby!

She-- She smothered
her own baby!

You son of a bitch.

Why did you make me
remember that?

You had to get it
out in the open.

Now we're halfway home.

And then
I started thinking.

It's like my uncle Jameel
used to say.

If you want to hide
in the desert,

-you gotta look like sand.
-I was already asleep.

I don't need to hear a bunch
of Lebanese fairy tales.

Sorry to wake you, Colonel,
but we could only do this

-under the cover of darkness.
-Wait a minute.

What's this tent
doing here where the--

tank used to be?

And to make extra sure,

there's a big red cross
on the roof too.

You know, we may just
fool 'em with this.

It's an old Bedouin trick.
Back in the old country,

my uncle Jameel
was a camel rustler.

Dear Dad,

Sorry I haven't
written for a while,

but I've been on R&R
at this wonderful resort.

We're planning to have
a bridge tournament here

as soon as we can find
somebody with a full deck.

Dear Dad,

Remember when I was a kid
you always told me

if my head wasn't attached
to my shoulders, I'd lose it?

Well...

Dear Dad,
For the first time,

I understand what
a nervous disorder is

because it seems
I've got one.

I guess I'll be
seeing you soon

since I doubt if they'll
let a surgeon operate

whose cheese has
slipped off his cracker.

Time to hit the couch?

Actually, it may be
time to hit the road.

How would you feel
about moving on?

If you'll just have
the bellhop bring me my pants,

I'll be on my way.

Sidney,
it's been a pleasure.

Soon as I get back to Maine,

I'm going to have a memorial
lobster in your honor--

cracked, of course.

How about a little hug
for the road?

I hate to break this to you,
but you're not going home.

You're going
back to the 4077.

Does this mean
I'm not getting the hug?

You're sending a crazy man

back to the place where he
got crazy in the first place?

-Are you out of your mind?
-Look, you know,

when a soldier reacts
to the stress of combat,

we get him back to his foxhole
as soon as we can.

We have to get you
right back to the O.R.

Listen, a couple of days ago,
I fell all to pieces in there.

I thought we had
to have more sessions.

We've had them.

So now you're just
dumping me back there again?

Well, I'm going
to drop in on you

from time to time,
see how you're doing.

Why don't we compromise?

Send me to a foxhole
in Crabapple Cove.

You can
drop in on me there.

I'm afraid of lobsters.

I'll have the bellhop
bring you your pants.

Hi. Uh, g-good morning.

I wonder if I could
lighten your letter bag

by one letter.

The name is Winchester,
Charles E.

Sorry, Major.
Nobody opens this sack

till I get a receipt
from your company clerk.

Oh, now, well, see, this is
a letter from a hospital.

I don't care if it's
from Dr. Pepper.

I need a receipt.

Dr. Pepper.

Uh-huh. I can get you
on a flight

out of Tokyo to Guam.

From there,
a steamer to Seattle.

Can you get me to Honolulu?

I can hitch a flight
from there to San Francisco.

What about that boat from,
uh, Okinawa to Honolulu?

Yeah? Yeah?

Kimpo, Okinawa,
Honolulu, San Francisco.

That's it! That's it!
That's the one I want!

But the plane leaves
Kimpo in 40 minutes.

-Got anything else?
-Oh, come on! What is this?

KLINGER: I don't care!
Be creative.

There is your company clerk.

Now can I please have my mail?

-Sign here.
-One second. One second.

Can you get me to Midway?

Wait a minute. I'm still
working on Honolulu.

Sergeant, come on. I'm due
in Kimpo in 20 minutes.

Kimpo? Wait a minute.
You got room for a passenger?

Yeah, I got room,
but I gotta leave right away.

You give me 10 minutes,

I'll meet you
on the chopper pad.

-Five.
-You got it. Klinger?

You got it. Kimpo.

Klinger, sign.

Corporal, get me
that flight from Kimpo.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Five minutes? I haven't
got your replacement yet.

Jacobson's due here
first thing in the morning.

This is the only
connection I could get.

Oh, what the heck.

Send me a piece
of birthday cake.

Thank you.

Look, I-- This is not
the way I wanted to--

Go! You're fighting
the clock.

Captain,
you're on the flight.

-I even got you a window seat.
-Oh, Klinger, you're--

-I'm really gonna--
-That's how I feel, sir.

Captain, I'm leaving here at
10 after with or without you.

-Whoo-hoo!
-I gotta leave
a note for Hawkeye.

Give me a piece of paper
and a pencil.

-Charles--

-Charles--
-Here you are, sir.
Better hurry.

-I got the job!
-Charles--

Someone on the board
gave me a rousing endorsement.

Charles, I've got to go.

Fine, fine.
Yes, you do that.

-Thanks, Charles.

Yahoo! I'm going home!

Bob, I'm going home!
I'm going home!

Kell, I'm goin' home.
I'm goin' home!

Whoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

Ha ha, I'm goin' home!

Hawk...

Uh...

Uh...

-Captain.
-Right, right, right.

Here, uh, throw
some of this stuff

in that suitcase
for me, will ya?

Get everything in that bag
that you can.

I'll try not to
wrinkle your shorts.

You're leaving and you
didn't say goodbye?

Well, you know how
insensitive I can be.

Hunnicutt, when people share
a tent for such a long time,

they can become quite close.

Of course, that didn't
happen in our case,

but there is such a thing
as common courtesy.

Charles, there's a kid
in post-op

with a perforated
descending colon.

Check him for fever, okay?

Certainly. Anything else?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there is.

But I better handle it myself.

Father! Father!
I'm leaving now.

What? You're leaving?

I've just got a minute.

I want to check your ears
before I go.

What do you hear?

I hear your watch ticking.

What do you hear in that ear?

Same thing-- your watch.

Really? I just put it
in my pocket.

Well, in that case,
I couldn't hear it
in the other ear, either.

Your hearing is not improving.

As a matter of fact,
I think it's getting worse.

In a few weeks, you may not
be able to hear at all.

You gotta go home.

You're going home
to your child.

My children are still here.

-Let's go, doc.

It's now or never.

-Look, Father--
-Come on.

I gotta make it to Kimpo.
I can't wait.

I'm coming.

So long, Father.

Goodbye, B.J. God bless you.

And thank you.

Hey, look, put this in the
chopper for me, will you?

I'll just be a second.

Margaret, I got a flight
at the last minute.

-I'm leaving.
-Leaving? Now?

Will you talk to Hawkeye
for me?

I tried
to leave him a note.

-There's just too much to say.
-Oh, I-- I--

I wanted to give you
a big send-off.

Okay, go!

Colonel? Colonel,
this just came in the mail.

Captain Hunnicutt's travel
orders have been rescinded.

What should I do?

Now what was all that, son?

I couldn't hear you
over the chopper.

Nothing, sir. I guess
it's too late now.

By the way, if we get
any mail from I-Corps,

put it on my desk.

I'll look at it
in, oh, an hour or so.

Right, sir.

Everybody hug a sandbag!

Get out of my way!

I thought you said you had
everything under control.

I did. Even I was
fooled by that tent.

I almost delivered mail there.

Well, it didn't fool them.

They know that tank's
here someplace.

They ain't seen it
driven out in the daytime,

and they ain't heard it
driven out at night.

Okay, that's three.
Get I-Corps on the phone.

Tell them to kick some ear.

After that, I want you
to send this telegram here.

-There.
-Hello, Sparky?

Get me headquarters,
I-Corps.

You want to express
your gratitude to who?

-Dr. Tearbug?
-Torborg. It's Dr. Torborg,

Chief Administrator,
Boston Mercy Hospital.

You're kissing
up the wrong tree.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah, I-Corps?

This is MASH 4077.

Tank towing, please.

This ain't the guy
who got you your job.

And how would you know?

Because Major Houlihan
sent her telegram

to a whole other guy.

What do you mean,
she sent a telegram?

Who's this?

Good. Hang on to your treads.

Colonel Potter wants to say
a few obscene words to you.

You're on, Colonel!

I mean, she recommended
you to her uncle

who's not her uncle
but he runs the hospital.

You mean
Dr. Robert Harwell?

Uncle Bob!

What?

What?

Gee! Don't get
so choked up about it.

You want me to change
Tearbug to Uncle Bob?

How... dare...

-See you at the next shelling.

I'm not sure I feel right

about getting back
into surgery, Sidney.

-Why not?
-I don't know.

The thought "What if
something goes wrong?"

never occurred to me.

Now I'm thinking
that a lot.

Actually, that's
a pretty good sign

that you're ready to go back.

I'll see you soon.

So long, guys.

-Good. They made up.

-Valentinetti.
-Oh, how about me? Me!

-Robinson.
-Whoo!

-Phipps.
-Oh, good. It's what
I've been waiting for.

-Snider.

Charles, I just got another
letter from my father!

And guess what!

He's lined up an even
better assignment for me.

Listen to this.
He says forget Tokyo.

He knows somebody
who can get me assigned

to NATO headquarters
in Belgium.

Isn't that great?

Of course, Dad says
I should write a tactful
letter to his friend

backing out of
the other job in Tokyo.

Hmm.
Gee, that's kinda tricky.

Maybe you could help me
with that.

-You're good with words.
-Oh, I don't know, Margaret.

You don't seem to have
any problem using words.

You know what's funny?

I already sent away
for Japanese language records,

and now I'm gonna
have to change them
to Flemish.

-What are you doing?
-Packing.

The minute this war is over,
I intend to be ready.

By the way, I believe
you still have my copy

of Elizabeth Barrett Sonnets
from the Portuguese.

-Oh, I love it.
-Do you?

Let me count the ways.

I trust I may count
on its return?

Oh. I sort of thought
you hated it.

I do. I loathe it.

It's romantic drool,

a book that could only
be read in a bad painting.

But you want it back.

Well, it is a volume 3
of a four-volume set.

Without volume 3, the set
would have all the charm

of a smile
with a missing tooth.

I would have returned it
to you sooner, Charles,

but it's just that
the book has come to mean

-an awful lot to me.
-Oh, well, Margaret, I'm sure

you'll find something else
that moves you just as much.

The literary world is filled
with romantic claptrap.

I'll get it right
back to you, Charles.

Maybe I'm better off
without it.

Being sentimental can lead you

to do things
that you later regret.

Soon-Lee?

-Soon-Lee?

What? Uh, I am looking
for Soon-Lee.

She's gone?
S-Soon-Lee is gone?

She-- She didn't go to Chorwon?
She could get killed.

-Chorwon?

All right, look, okay.
Okay, th-thanks.

Thanks anyway, all right?

-Uh...
-Huh?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Here, you take it.
And take this too.

-Enjoy. Enjoy.

Uh, gentlemen, uh,
one bar before, uh, 120.

Ready? Four for nothing.

One, two, three, and...

Wait. No, no, no.
No, no, no. No, no, no.

Dolce. Dolce.

-Dolce.

Espressivo.Uh, here.

♪ Dee ya dee

Just like that. See? Gently,
softly, sweetly.

Dolce. And...

Here's your book.
Stick it in your shelf.

I happen to be
rehearsing here.

You also happen to be
self-centered,

inconsiderate,
and ungrateful.

Ungrateful?

I just heard from Klinger

you got the position
you wanted in Boston.

-Did you?
-I did.

He also told me
that you knew

I sent a telegram
to my uncle Bob.

-Did he?
-He did.

And you knew that when you
to return that book?

Indeed, I did.

How could you when you knew
I got you that job?

You did not get me
that job.

I helped.

Margaret, I happen--

I happen
to have a reputation.

I have a certain standing
in the medical profession.

I do not need
the help of a nurse.

Oh, you're-- It's
a good thing I'm a lady,

or you'd need a nurse,
buster.

I should have known better
than to help somebody

who has no regard
for other people!

I have no regard
for other people?

No! None! None!

You play your records
all night!

I hear them halfway
across the compound!

I got down on my knees
in O.R.,

and I scraped plaster
off the floor.

-Right!
-Did I get any thanks?

Thanks?
Why should I thank you?

You were the one who put it
there in the first place!

What about the time
you went to Tokyo?

I had to deliver
your lecture for you.

Was that being ungrateful?

You wouldn't do it for me
unless I promised

I would buy a record
by that Schnabel guy.

You still owe me
that record!

You happen to be very,
very insensitive, Margaret.

You walk into O.R.
wearing so much perfume

that the patients
don't need anesthesia.

I am a complete
professional in O.R.,

unlike some people I know
who do not know how to obey

the slightest rules
of maintaining sterility.

Oh, no, you don't.
We settled that a long time

I know what I saw!

You saw nothing because
that did not happen!

You touched your nose!

You couldn't keep
your hands off of it!

I did not touch my nose!

You are obsessed
with your nose!

-You have a nasal obsession!
-Just a minute.

In the middle of an operation,
you rubbed your nose

like it was some kind
of good luck charm!

I do not rub on my nose!

Look at it sometimes! It's
covered with fingerprints!

You're in love with your nose!

What do you do
with it at night,

put it in dresses
and take it out to bars, huh?

How dare you!
Quiet!

Looks like it'll all be over
before too long, huh, Captain?

Not a century too soon.

Hey, look at that.

"Hawk was gone,
now he's here.

"Dance till dawn,
give a cheer.

Burma Shave."

-Pull over! Pull over!

Pierce,
good to see you.

Why don't you just
start on the bus?

-Yeah, okay.
-You feel up to it?

-Yeah, sure.
-Good.

It's a hell of a load
for me and Winchester.

Where's B.J.?

You just missed him.
He went home.

Go ahead.
You got customers.

MAN:
Did you call for a litter?

Can we have some help
with the ambulance?

Get those jeeps moved out
of here. We got no room.

SOLDIER: Help! Help!

-Nurse, please.

I know you're suffering.

I'll help you right after...

NURSE: All right, get
some bandages over here!

Hang in there.

NURSE: I need a corpsman
to take this out of here.

POTTER: Jacobson was
supposed be here yesterday.

Where is he?

What do you mean
you rescinded his orders?

I told you Hunnicutt
left the country.

Listen, I am talking
to you from my O.R.

I need a surgeon so bad,

I don't have time
to leave the room

to tell you how bad
I need a surgeon!

There are skirmishes
all over the place.

We're working
on boys right now

who have retaken Chorwon
four times

in the past couple of days.

Good. You do that.

I'm done, Klinger.
Slam down the phone for me.

They're gonna do
what they can.

Doctor, he's under.

Yeah, right.

How are you doing?

Fine.
What could be wrong?

I'm about to stick
my hands into a kid

whose insides look
like a raw meatloaf.

I just found out
my best friend went home

without leaving me
so much as a damn note.

You know he really felt
bad about that.

Trapper left without
leaving a note too.

Is it the war
that stinks or me?

How you doing, Pierce?

Swimmingly.

Can I get you an instrument?

Yeah. That would be
a good way to start.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

You and I have
something in common.

I just had my head
in a cast.

Are there any more
out there?

He's the last one. After
this, we can take a break.

Okay. Get him
in this wheelchair.

Hey, buddy,
you came from Chorwon?

Yeah. Why?

Our side's got it
now, right?

Yeah. For now.

Did you see a Korean woman
there? Short? Dark hair?

You're kidding, right?

I'm never gonna find out
this way.

Okay, get him
into post-op.
See you later.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

-You holding up okay?
-All things considered--

Most things considered.

There are double sandbags
in O.R. Come on.

-Klinger!

Klinger, what are you doin'?

I'm taking a ride
in the countryside.

You can't take that
unless I sign you out!

They'll bust me
right down to my socks!

Then come over here
and sign me--

Have a nice trip.

Okay, that's three. Let's
see if there's any damage.

That was a hell
of a short intermission.

I didn't even have time
to buy an orange drink.

KLINGER: I'm looking
for the Han family!

Han!

Soon-Lee!

Anybody recognize
that name? Soon-Lee.

Soon-Lee?

I thought
we had a system here.

They fire three rounds,
and they move on.

Wait a minute. What happened
to that pattern they had

of firing off three rounds
and then going away?

Good question...again.

Aren't those idiots
afraid of being spotted?

I guess they figure
the tank's worth the risk.

Or maybe they brought in
a second mortar squad.

Or maybe a third.

Well, the "mortar" merrier.

Don't you know you could
get killed up here?

So could you too.

Why you come here?
You go back.

I look for my parents.
I can take care myself.

Every day
I see them carry in

people who can take
care of themselves.

I'm not gonna let that
happen to you.

Soon-Lee, please, come back
to the camp with me. Please.

I go look in Sibyon-ni.
They may be there.

When I figured out
you came up here,

I-- I realized I might
never see you again.

And it felt like someone
kicked me in the stomach.

I guess for you,
worrying about your folks

must be a 24-hour
kick in the stomach.

Come on. I'll take
you to Sibyon-ni.
We'll look together.

No. The shelling
is even worse there.

I couldn't let you
go without me.

You could get hurt.
Now come on.

No. I not let you
come with me.

Why?

I not want to lose you too.

I promise you
we'll find them.

I'll call everywhere.

I promise.

Okay, boys and girls, time
to do something intelligent.

Since I seem to be the only
intelligent person here,

I nominate me.
All in favor, say aye.

Take your seat, Pierce.

Uh-uh. Sorry. Sorry.

I can take umbrage,
I can take the cake,

I can take the "A" train,

I can take two
and call me in the morning,

but I cannot take this
sitting down.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna take five.

-POTTER: Pierce!
-Hey!

-Pierce, come back here!
-Pierce!

-MARGARET: Pierce!
-MULCAHY: Hawkeye!

What's the matter with you?

POTTER:
Right now! Come back here!

-What is-- What is he doing?

POTTER: Pierce,
what do you think you're--

MARGARET:

-Pierce!
-Pierce!

He can't drive that. Does
anybody know if he knows--

Pierce, stop it!
Stop it! Pierce!

-Oh, no, no, no! Turn left!
-No! No! No!

-MAN: Hey, we're saved!

I don't know why I always
have to take out the trash.

-Whoo!

I wonder if his discharge
from the hospital

was a bit premature.

I'm putting in a call
to Sidney.

Well, Soph, I think it's safe
for you to come back now.

We kept your room
just the way you left it.

Looks like it's really
gonna be over soon.

Sophie, this ain't easy
for me to tell ya,

but I can't take you
home with me.

I sure will miss you.

And I have a feeling
you'll miss me too, won't ya?

I guess we'll both be
homebodies from now on.

I'll be weeding
Mildred's nasturtiums.

You'll probably wind up
dragging some farmer's plow.

Well, that's good,
solid work.

I'm sure you'll get
plenty of love.

Just don't look for
a lot of excitement.

Colonel,
look at that sunset.

What a beautiful ending
for a beautiful day.

Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset
if it was setting over there.

What do you mean?

Ever since I've been around,

the sun's always set
in the west.

Then what's that?

Once saw that same kind of
glow in the Ardennes forest.

Next day there wasn't
any forest left.

You better get
on the phone to I-Corps.

If that fire is headed
this way, we're headed out.

It was started
by incendiary bombs.

It's coming straight
at us. Bug out!

All personnel, bug out!

Get those wounded on the bus!

Bring that truck over here
for the P.O.W.s!

And I need a vehicle
for the refugees!

We're taking them with us!

Come on! Snap into it!

Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on! Easy, easy.

Hey, watch it! Watch it!
There you-- Oh.

Need some help over--

Careful! Careful! Careful!
Put him down! Put him down!

All right! Come on, go, go!
Come on, go!

POTTER: Well, it's about time.
Did you catch the guy's name?

No. All they said
was your new surgeon

will be coming in
on the evac chopper.

I hope he's got fast hands.

I got as far as Guam,
and all flights are canceled.

Nothing going in or out.

I'm sitting there
in this crummy officers club,

and this guy comes up to me

and says "You Hunnicutt
the doctor?"

Now, I didn't like
the sound of that,

so I said, "No, not me, pal.
I'm Hunnicutt the chaplain."

He says, "Well, Chaplain,

"you better start
praying for a miracle

because you're going back
to Korea to do surgery."

I was a third
of the way home.

When I was screaming
for a surgeon,

I sure didn't think
they were gonna dig you up.

Yeah.

Hey, you're looking
a lot better

than the last time
I saw you.

-How you feeling?
-In the pink.

Uh, I wanted to leave you
a note before I left.

I just didn't have the time.

I didn't even know
you were gone.

I though you were
in the bathroom.

Sure is great to be back.
Where is this anyway?

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

Hey, hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!

Dolce! Huh! Dolce!

Dolce!

The Chinese have been
torturing Winchester
for a week now.

Soon-Lee?

Max.

I called Sibyon-ni,
and they haven't see 'em.

But I'll try the towns
around there next.

Oh, thank you, Max.

Listen, remember
how I told you

I used to wear dresses
to try to get out of the army?

-Yes.
-Well, I saved a couple.

I-- I brought one over.

Oh, good. I always wanted
to see you in one.

-Ah.

This is kind of
a special dress.

I'd kind of like
to see you in it.

Y-You want me
to wear funeral dress?

Oh, no.

See, in America,
white is for weddings.

Oh, Max.

I love you, Soon-Lee.
Will you marry me?

-Yes.
-Ohh!

That's great.

You'll love my folks,

and they'll be
nuts about you.

We'll throw a wedding
that'll run for a week.

It'll be the first one
Toledo ever had

in English,
Korean, and Lebanese.

Max, I-- I cannot leave Korea
until first I find my family.

That could take months, years.

I got to find them,
no matter how long it takes.

B.J.:
Yeah, that'd be great.

Three-legged races, ball games,
maybe get a barbecue going.

MULCAHY: I'd just love
to get those children

out of the orphanage
for a few hours, you know?

-Yeah, I know. It's great.
-What?

-Great.
-Yeah.

Boy, how do you do it?

Nobody seems to know
you can't hear except me.

Well, I hear bits and pieces,

and for the rest of it,
I nod a lot.

-Mmm. It must be tough.
-Huh?

-Just nod, Father.
-Mmm.

WOMAN:
Come on, kick it! kick it,

That was wonderful!
That was great! We won!

Sidney, welcome!

Isn't this wonderful?

Just look at those
glowing faces!

-Not to mention yours.
-Uh-huh.

-B.J.
-Hey, Sid,

get your red-hot hotdogs.

Folks, can I have
your attention?

I need Captain Hunnicutt.

Would the hotdog man please
get his buns over here?

-WOMAN: What's going on?
-MAN: Get over there.

Now, as you all know,

Hunnicutt would rather
be back in the States

celebrating his daughter
Erin's birthday.

Well, we thought
we might be able

to do something
by proxy.

As it turns out,
little Kim here

has the same birthday
as Erin Hunnicutt.

- Hi.
-So look at this.

Oh! Look!

Do you want to blow out
some candles? Here we go.

B.J.: Ohh! Look at that.

This is great.
Where'd you find a kid

with the same birthday
as Erin?

Well, we didn't, really.

The aren't any records
on most of these kids.

With so many of them,
we don't know

who their parents were
or where they come from.

So we just decided

to find a little girl
who was about two years old

and make it her day.

We don't really know
when she was born.

What better birthday present
to get than your own birthday.

Hi, sailor.

Hi. I saw you come in.

Does the fact that you're here
mean I'm not all there?

I heard you took
a tank for a spin.

Everybody was getting shelled
on account of that tank,

and I got rid of it.
You call that crazy?

Actually, that might have been
the sensible thing to do.

But I am curious

about why you walked away
from that kid just now.

Yeah, well, maybe
you got me there.

I was looking at her,
and all of a sudden I noticed

I had a butterfly collection
loose in my stomach.

Being around little kids

makes me uncomfortable
these days.

I guess that's something
we have to work on.

Mmm.

What else have you
been going through?

Yesterday I spent a year
in the operating room.

I was up to my ankles
in panic.

I'm a little
out of control, Sidney.

Surgery used to be
like falling off a log.

Now it's more like
falling off a cliff.

You know, just because
you're a doctor

doesn't mean you're
supposed to be perfect.

-Your patients aren't.
-Yeah.

They have pain.
They're afraid.

Actually, they're
probably better off

if you know how they feel.

Might make being a surgeon
a little harder,

but it might make you
a better doctor.

Well, anyway, that's
something to think about.

I can't sleep.

Well, then you should
take something.

No. If I sleep,
then I talk.

If I don't talk, I think.

I think too fast. If I could
just slow down my thinking.

I just think too fast,
that's all.

I mean, I don't think
we have to make

a big deal out of this,
you know?

So I think too fast
and I'm afraid of children.

That's-- That's not--
That's not terrible.

Hey, hey,
what are you doing?

Where are you taking
these people?

I gotta get 'em to a
relocation center, Major.

By the line.

As soon
as the truce is signed,

these guys got to be ready
for the big switch.

We're swapping
their prisoners for ours.

Yes. Fine. Just leave me
five of them.

Him, him, him, him,
and, uh, him.

Sorry, Major. They all go.

Well, you can't! Not yet!

I've come too close
to stop now.

-Okay, move out!

MAN :
Ladies and gentlemen,

five minutes ago
at 10:01 this morning,

the truce was signed
in Panmunjom.

The hostilities will end
12 hours from now at 10:00.

-The war is over!

ALL :
Hooray, the war is over!
Hooray, the war is over!

Move over! Get over!

Come on! This way!
Bring them this way.

We've got wounded here.

Give me that flask.
Quick.

Here. Here you go.

All right, listen up!

We operate on the ones
that can't wait.

Those that can wait,
we take 'em with us.

I-Corps wants us back
in Ouijongbu right away.

-Hunnicutt, take a look
at that boy over there.
-All right.

-POTTER: Corpsman!

Does this look
like peace to you?

- Get him up.

POTTER:
Corpsman!

Oh...

gee.

Okay, let's get to work.

WOMAN:
Let's start cleaning up.

I've got fresh sponges.

Put 'em down right there.

PIERPOINT :
It is now 2:00 p.m.

In exactly eight hours,

the Korean War
will be officially over.

-It's a time for summing up--
-Suture.

...and these are the most
up-to-date figures we have.

The cost of the war
to the United States

has been placed
at $22 billion.

-Don't look at me.

I only get 300 a month.

In human terms,
the cost was much greater.

The U.N. Forces have suffered
the following casualties.

Killed in combat, 71,500.

Missing and captured, 83,263.

Wounded, 250,000.

-Make that 250,001.
-B.J.: And 2.

-POTTER: 3.
-CHARLES: 4.

And there's 12 more
out in the hall.

On the communist side,

1,347,000 people
were killed or wounded.

The war also killed
400,000 Korean civilians.

This is not a good place

to have a career
as an innocent bystander.

If you add it all up,
it comes to more

than 2 million people
killed or wounded.

Now that's what I call
a grand total.

In addition, one fourth
of all Koreans are homeless,

and 100,000 are orphans.

What did he say?
How many orphans?

100,000, Father.

Dear God.

Sir.

Can I ask you something
of a personal nature?

Well, in another minute,

I gotta go back in
and pick up my scalpel.

Do you understand women?

Oh, what I understand
about women

will take a lot less
than a minute.

I thought
when the war was over,

it'd be the happiest
day of my life.

But everything's
all messed up.

Now I'm in love, and I got
nothin' but trouble.

Listen, when you're in love,
you're always in trouble.

There's only two things
you can do about it--

either stop lovin' 'em
or love 'em a whole lot more.

But if you love 'em
a whole lot more,

won't that just get you
a lot more trouble?

Yep. Then you
love 'em even more.

Boy, that sounds tough.

It's murder.

A big glass of fresh,
ice-cold milk.

ALL: Ooh!

For me, a banana.
And, of course,

what's a banana without
a piece of chocolate cake?

-What are you laughing at?

-It's wonderful.
-It is. It's delicious.

I'm gonna take
a three-hour bubble bath.

-WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
-How about you, Colonel?

What's the first thing
you want when you get home?

Well, I like fresh corn.
I mean real fresh corn.

So I think maybe I'll
just take a hot plate

out to the garden,
make a pot of boiling water.

Then I won't even
pick that corn.

I'll bend that stalk till
the ear dips into the water,

and I'll eat it
right there standin' up.

Scrumptious!

How about you, Charles?

What are you
looking forward to?

I am looking forward
to a hemostat.

Hemostat. There's no need
to bite my head off.

-Sponge.
-Sponge.

You know,
I just don't see

why some people
can't be grateful

if other people
try to help them.

Don't you?

I think
a person is lucky

if somebody cares
enough to help.

Where would I be
without my father's help?

Where indeed?

He's pulling you in three
different directions.

If you get any luckier,
there's gonna be
a piece of you

in every corner
of the world.

Maybe some people
just can't feel gratitude.

Maybe some people like having
other people run their lives,

but some people don't.

PIERPOINT: But although
we are well past

the halfway point
in these final 12 hours,

both sides continue heavy
artillery shelling.

Further bulletins
as they arrive.

-Want a sandwich?
-What's in it?

Let's see.

Cucumbers, watercress,
a little French mayonnaise.

-Is the crust cut off?
-No.

Forget it.

I tell you, one thing I'm not
gonna miss is bologna.

Or standing in line
to take a cold shower.

I'm not gonna
miss that, either.

How about you? What
are you not gonna miss?

Lice...

dysentery...

rats.

There's nothing here
I'm gonna miss...

except you.

Yeah, well, we'll get
to see each other.

How? You'll be on one coast,
and I'll be on the other.

Letters, phone calls.
Maybe a surgical convention.

Can you picture either one
of us at a convention?

No, I guess not.

We'll never
see each other again.

Look, one year,

Erin and Peg and I
will come east.

-One year.
-Yeah.

And, um, and we'll
get together and, uh...

Have dinner.

Yeah.

In other words, goodbye.

-It's not goodbye.
-It is goodbye. Say goodbye.

What's the big deal?
Just say goodbye.

What do it want me
to say it for?

Because it shows
you know I'm going.

What would you do
if I was dying?

Would you hold me
and let me die in your arms,

or would you just let me
lay there and bleed?

What are you talking about?

You're not dying.
You don't even have a cold.

Come on.
Just a little "so long."

I'm gonna back to the O.R.

Goodbye.

See you later.

PIERPOINT:
President Eisenhower
is expected to ask

for an emergency
relief fund of $200 million

to rebuild the war-torn
Korean economy.

Another 200 million
may be allocated

for the reinforcement
of the Vietnam army

in its war against communism
in Southeast Asia.

It is now three hours before
the cessation of hostilities.

Vietnam? Where's that?

Southeast Asia, he said.

MAN :
Sorry to interrupt your
peace bulletin, folks,

but we got wounded
in the compound.

We need a surgeon
for triage.

Looks like it's all
over but the shooting.

Who's free?

I'll go.

That is,
if it's all right with you.

All right.
We'll take him second.

-What else you got?
-This P.O.W. over here.

He was in the back of the
when it was hit.

Half his chest is gone.

Does he even have a pulse?

Oh, God, no.

Is there anything we can
do for him, doctor?

Doctor?

He wasn't even a soldier.

He was a musician.

What happened to the other
in the truck with him?

He's the only one
that made it this far.

Major...

we have to prep
the others.

Why don't you
take a break?

-Okay.

WOMAN:
Come on! Hurry up!

NURSE: He's still
bleeding. Come on.

MAN: Watch your back,
Lieutenant.

-Compound fracture.
-I lost him.

Hey, wake up, will ya?

Better pay attention, Father.

You want to go home
in one piece.

Dear Lord...

I know there must be
a reason for this.

But what is it?

I answered the call
to do Your work.

I've devoted my life to it,

now how am I
supposed to do it?

Lord, what good am I now?

What good is a deaf priest?

I've prayed
to you to help me...

and every day I get worse.

Are you deaf too?

Okay, I'm done here.
Give me another body.

Somebody got a gown
and some gloves?

How you doin', doc?

I'm just barely
getting through it.

Congratulations.
Who could hope for more?

-Comin' in.
-WOMAN: Got it. Through here.

Oh, my God.

MULCAHY: She was thrown into
a ditch during the shelling.

She can't be more
than 8 years old.

WOMAN: Pressure's dropping.

-WOMAN: Over here.

Pierce?

You want to switch with me?
I'll take her.

No, I'll take her.

Sidney?

Thanks.

My pleasure.

Well, if you folks can
spare me, I'll be going.

I think there are places
I can be of more use.

I'd give you that hug now,
but I'm, uh, kind of busy.

That's okay. Save it for her.

-See you.
-CHARLES: Bye, doctor.

-B.J.: Take it easy.
-POTTER: So long, Sidney.

You know, I told you people
something a long time ago,

and it's just as pertinent
today as it was then.

Ladies and gentlemen,
take my advice.

Pull down your pants
and slide on the ice.

This is Robert Pierpoint

speaking to you
from Panmunjom.

It's one minute
before 10:00 p.m.

We can still hear the sound
of nearby artillery.

At some point during
the next few seconds,

the guns should go silent

as the cease-fire officially
goes into effect.

There it is.
That's the sound of peace.

POTTER: Scalpel.

CHARLES:
Can we have some more
hemostats, please?

Wonderful. Wonderful.

I'm so glad.

♪ Where seldom is heard

♪ A discouraging word

I'm still your C.O.
For a few more hours,

-so when I go like this--

-...you go like this.

Now, you want to take
your seats, please.

Tomorrow the tents of the 4077
will be coming down

for good.

Uh, for an awful long time,

we've been living together,
eating together...

-MAN: Sleeping together.

Well, I wouldn't know.
I have a horse.

Anyway, since this is
our last evening together,

I've been wondering what
your lives will be like

when all this is over.

I thought it might
be a good idea

for each one of us to get up

and tell everybody
what we'll be doing next.

You ought to go
first, Colonel.

-WOMAN: Yes.
-Huh?

Well...

there's a woman
back in Hannibal, Missouri,

who's spent the better part
of 30 years

waiting for me to come home
one tour of duty or another.

She's had to learn to do
an awful lot on her own.

Now I'm going home
to see if she can show me

how to do it with her.

So, uh, part of the time,

I'll be a semi-retired
country doctor,

but, uh, most of the time...

I'll be Mrs. Potter's
Mr. Potter.

-MARGARET: Aw, that's nice.

All right, who's next?

-Me, me.

Well, I put in to be assigned

to Tripler Army Hospital
in Honolulu

to be with my family
who I-- I really miss.

And I just want
to say that I--

I love you all.

Well, um,
I don't love you all.

Some of you still
owe me money--

-MAN: Uh-oh.
- ...which I really need it

'cause I plan
to open up a business

when I get back to Louisiana.

Big money in this.

I'm gonna breed frogs
for French restaurants.

Here, go buy yourself a frog.

When I, uh, graduated
from medical school,

I couldn't wait
for the, uh, the action
of a big-city hospital.

But now I'm not so sure action
is all it's cracked up to be.

In fact, neither
is cracking up.

So I think I'd like
to take it easy for a while.

I don't want to just have
a bunch of anonymous patients

parade through my office.

I'd like to maybe, uh...

talk with them
for a few minutes

and get to know who they are.

So I think, for now,
I'll be very happy just, uh,

getting Crabapple Cove
to say "Ah."

And I can't say that I've
loved you all, either.

But I've loved
as many of you as I could.

I'm goin' back to Colorado.

My father-in-law's
got a ranch there.

I want to see if I can
get into radiology.

-I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Well, as you know,
I was all set

to go back to Mill Valley
to Peg and Erin and all that,

but I'll tell you,
I had the best time on Guam.

I met this cookie
at the airport bar,

and she begged me
to run off with her.

And I figured, what the hell?
You only live once, you know?

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding. Just--

He's just kidding.
That's all.

I'm gonna do something where
people don't yell at me

when I put the food down
in front of 'em.

I'm gonna be a pig farmer.

What do you mean
"gonna be"?

Well, I-- I was a nurse

at the tail end
of World War II.

And now this.

And...

do you want to know something?

I've had it.

I was anxious to get
back to being in a parish

-and coaching boxing
for the CYO.

But lately, I've gotten
kind of interested

in working with the deaf.

Of course,
not doing parish work,

I'll miss hearing confession.

But after listening
to you people for so long,

I think I've just about
heard it all.

I'm gonna stick
with the army.

I'd really like
to live in Washington.

I'm gonna see if I can
work at Walter Reed.

What about you, Winchester?

Well, I'm gonna be, uh...

head of thoracic surgery
at Boston Mercy Hospital.

So my life will go on
pretty much as I expected.

With one exception.

For me, music was
always a refuge

from this
miserable experience.

And now it will
always be a reminder.

So I'm going to
stay in nursing,

but I want to be
in maternity or pediatrics.

After all this,
I think it would be nice

to help bring people
into the world.

I want to be an officer,

so I'm gonna try
and get into OCS.

Then I'm gonna be
the best darn nurse

Oklahoma's ever seen.

Well, for the next few days,

I'll be helping
with the of the 8063rd.

And then after
a little furlough,

I'll be going on
to my next assignment.

-Tokyo, right?
-Wrong. Belgium.

You're both wrong.

I've always looked
to my father for guidance.

When he makes up his mind
about something,

he does it no matter
what anybody says.

And that's what I'm gonna do.

What I've wanted
to do all along--

work in the States
in a hospital.

There's a lot of
my father in me.

It's never been his way

to tell people
how he feels about them.

So I guess that's why...

I never told my nursing staff

what I told other people
about you.

It's been an honor
and a privilege

to have worked with you.

And I'm very, very proud...

to have known you.

I planned something,
but it kind of fell through.

I guess you notice Soon-Lee
isn't here tonight.

-WOMAN: Yeah.
-MAN: I was wondering.

It's because
she had a lot of things

to take care of...

'cause we've decided
to get married.

Congratulations!

I had to cut through
a lot of red tape,

but I got permission.

The only problem is
she won't leave Korea

until she finds her family.

So... Boy, I don't believe
I'm sayin' this.

I'm stayin' in Korea.

You don't have to act crazy
We're all getting out.

Here's how I figure it.

If you love somebody,
you got nothin' but trouble.

So you either
stop loving them,

or you love 'em
a whole lot more.

You know,
that's very profound.

But the first thing
I'm gonna do

is have a wedding ceremony
with my family.

I thought you weren't
going back to Toledo.

No, I mean with this family.

With you guys. We can do it
before everybody goes.

Colonel, would you
be our best man?

I'd be honored, son.

Here's to the happy couple.

May they have a long,
wonderful life

filled with love and peace.

And so may we all.

-ALL: Hear, hear.
-WOMAN: Amen.

MULCAHY: Because
the best of marriages

are always founded
on true friendship,

and the fact that this is only
the first of two ceremonies

is a symbol, I think,
of the respect

that you have for your
and for each other.

I hope you will cherish
and hold to that respect

throughout your lives.

It will be your bond
and your freedom.

Can we have the ring,
please?

Oh. Comin' right up.

MULCAHY: Do you, Soon-Lee,

take Maxwell to be your
lawfully wedded husband,

to love, honor and cherish,

to have and to hold
from this day forward,

in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Maxwell,

take Soon-Lee to be your
lawfully wedded wife,

to love, honor and cherish,

to have and to hold
from this day forward,

in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

You bet I do.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Max, Max,
your limo's waiting.

Oh, yeah, right.
Soon-Lee, our limo.

Thank you, everybody.

-Good luck to all of you.
-Good luck to you.

Write sometime. I'll be
lookin' forward to it.

Thanks for your help,
Father.

Francis John Patrick Mulcahy.

Remember that if you name
any children after me.

I hope you find
your family very soon.

Thank you.

Well, goodbye, Klinger.

I know
there have been times

when I've yelled at you
and called you names.

It's all right, Major.
I know you didn't mean it.

Oh, well,
I wouldn't go that far.

I know you didn't mean
that, either.

So long, Major.

Max, in years to come,

when I tell Erin
about all this,

there are some things
she's just not gonna believe.

So, uh, would you
autograph this for me?

Ah, it's one
of my favorites.

I was always a sucker
for crinolines.

WOMAN: I hope I get
to come to your wedding.

-Take it easy.
-Okay, sir.

Klinger, with your penchant
for scams, I have no doubt

that in no time at all
you will own this country.

And you can have it.

Thanks, Major.
If I'm ever in Beantown,
I'll look you up.

Oh, gee. Unfortunately, uh,
I'll be out of town then.

Uh-huh.

So long, kiddo.
I'm gonna miss you.

Me too, Captain. I'm sure glad
you're feeling okay now.

Couldn't be better.
Honk-honk!

-You have to have that tuned.

-Goodbye, sir.
-Goodbye, son.

Take care of yourself.

WOMAN: I hope
she finds her family.

-Goodbye!
-I'll miss you!

Come on!
Throw the bouquet!

Throw the bouquet!

-MAN: Bye!
-Oh, look at that.

All aboard for the 8063rd!

Wait a minute. I'm taking
my home town home!

Come on!

I got it! Honolulu!

MAN: Let me have Coney Island!

Bye! Bye-bye!

Father, I saved you a spot
next to the ambulance
driver that's pullin' out.

And I got a jeep
right over here

for Major Houlihan
and Major Winchester.

You know, Father,
the first time I met you,

I thought, "Here's this
nice, decent guy.

"Kind of sweet and gentle,
you know?

How's he ever gonna
last out here?"

I gotta tell you,

you're just about
the toughest bird I know.

Well, I'm certainly
a lot luckier

than some of the people
we've seen come through here.

Father, I'll see you
at the 8063rd.

Uh, what?

Well, goodbye, Father.

I must say, you have
made this hellhole

a trifle less unbearable.

It certainly is.

What? What?

So long, Francis.

You've been a godsend.

Well, look on
the bright side.

When they tell us we have
to do time in purgatory,

we can all say "No, thanks.
I've done mine."

Sherman.

Father, I may never see you
again, and before you go,

there's something I've
been meaning to tell you
for a long time.

-Your shirt's on backwards.
-Uh.

Goodbye, everybody.
I'll pray for you.

Okay, Major, pile on.

As what? A hood ornament?

I'm sorry, Major.

The rest of this stuff
can go on the truck.

I'll catch up with it.

No, Margaret.

Margaret, you stay
with your belongings.

If you leave them
with the army,

you'll never see them again.

You go ahead.
Go in the jeep.

I'm sure Sergeant Rizzo
will find me another mode.

Well, I'll go take a look,

but we ain't got
too many modes left, Major.

Hmm. Actually, uh, Margaret,

I'm taking, uh,
too many things myself.

I wonder if you would tuck
one more item in with you.

Thank you, Charles.

Thank you, Margaret.

Hold on to that arm, Charles.
We want to kiss it too.

You take the arm.
I got dibs on what's left.

So long, Margaret.

I hope someday I find
someone like you.

I hope so too.
You deserve the best.

Goodbye, Margaret.

I know you've got
your career in order,

but don't forget to have
a happy life too.

You're a dear, sweet man.

I'll never forget you.

So, uh, listen...

Yeah.

Well, so long.

See you.

MAN: Timber!

How I wish I could
have swung the ax.

Just think of all the rats
who are homeless now.

Oh, don't worry.
You'll find somewhere
to go.

Excuse me, Major. I got some
transportation for you,

but it ain't
exactly a sedan.

As long as it's
got wheels.

Oh, what a sport.

So long, Major.

You can be proud of the work
you've done here.

You're a fine surgeon.

Well, thank you, sir.
As are you.

Shortly, I will be in
a position of authority
over other surgeons,

and I hope I will be guided
by the memory of your wisdom

and your gentle good humor.

Well, that's very
kind of you, Charles.

I'm sure you've got
an even bigger compliment
for me, Charles,

but let's not get gooey.

I want to thank you both.

You have made me realize
what going home is all about.

Major, I hope you don't mind
ridin' in a garbage truck,

but it's the last
vehicle I got.

Not at all. What better way
to leave a garbage dump?

Don't slip. There's gunk
on these runnin' boards.

Gentlemen.

So how are you gettin'
out of here, Colonel?

Oh, I've got my transportation
over yonder.

There's a jeep meeting me
at the orphanage.

I'll take one last
ride on Sophie.

Then, at the padre's request,
I'm givin' her to the orphans.

They can use her for farming

and maybe take her
for a ride now and then.

She's real good with kids.

Well, boys, it would be hard
what we've been through fun,

but I'm sure glad we went
through it together.

You boys always managed
to give me a good laugh

right when I needed it most.

Never forget the time
you Winchester's drawers
in the O.R.

Of course I had to pretend
I was mad at you, but...

inside I was laughin'
to beat all hell.

Yeah, I'm laughing
just thinking about it.

I love a good laugh
like this.

I better get out of here.

Colonel, before you go.

We've been thinking about it,

and there's a little something
we'd like to give you.

It's not much,
but it comes from the heart.

-Sounds like my cab is here.
-Yeah.

-So...
-Ahem.

Come on.
I'll give you a ride up there.

Look, I know how tough it is
for you to say goodbye,

so I'll say it.

Maybe you're right. Maybe
we will see each other again.

But just in case we don't...

I want you to know
how much you've meant to me.

I'll never be
able to shake you.

Whenever I see a big pair of
feet or a cheesy mustache,

I'll think of you.

Whenever I smell month-old
socks, I'll think of you.

And the next time somebody
nails my shoe to the floor.

And when somebody
gives me a martini

that tastes
like lighter fluid.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you... a lot.

I can't imagine what this
place would have been like

if I hadn't found you here.

I'll see you back
in the States. I promise.

But just in case,
I left you a note.

What?