All language subtitles for MASH.S11E10.U.N.The.Night.and.the.Music.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

-B.J.: Boy, this leg's a mess.

NURSE: They said he was lying
in the mud for at least a day.

POTTER:
Sponge for him and
an aspirin for me.

"Rosie the Riveter"
is logging some overtime
in my head.

-CHARLES: How many more
wounded left?
-KLINGER: That's it.

-Unless you wanna count me.
-HAWKEYE: It was inevitable,
Klinger.

Carrying the weight of
that nose all these years

finally snapped
your neck.

KLINGER: Nah,
my muscles tightened up.
I musta slept in a draft.

Oh! Colonel, that group
from the U.N. is here.

POTTER: Great gopher holes!
It slipped my mind.

Make that
two aspirin.

-Uh, can I have
your attention, please?

MARGARET: Let's have
a little quiet here.

POTTER:
Oh! That'll do, Major.

MARGARET:
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The U.N. Has sent some folks
from various countries

to tour our
medical facilities.

The tourists haven't stopped
since this war got four stars
in the Michelin Guide.

Please let me get
through this, Pierce.
I wanna go lie down.

They're here to take
a 24-hour look-see

at how a MASH unit operates.

B.J.: You've gotta watch
this dirty wound for gangrene.

Hunnicutt, you've got
some serious doctoring to do.

The rest of us, since we
don't have any decent excuses,

we'll all guide them.

And, of course,
this is post-op.

From here they go on to
the evac hospital in Seoul.

When was the last time
that dressing was changed?

Uh, Captain Video
to Major Houlihan. Over.

-Mm-hm.
-When was the last time--

-Uh, this morning.
-Aha. Thank you.

Captain Pierce
is our chief surgeon.

Major Houlihan
our head nurse.

This is Captain Rammurti Lal
of the Indian Army.

-Dr. Randolph Kent
from England.

-Mr. Per Johannsen,
the U.N. Delegate from Sweden.
-Oh, Sweden!

Oh, I've always wanted
to visit Sweden.

I hear the scenery
is so tall.

Uh, d-- uh--
Thank you.

Captain Lal and Mr. Johannsen
will share the V.I.P. quarters.

-Dr. Kent will bed down with
you in the medics' bunkhouse.
-Oh.

Well, it's not exactly
Buckingham Palace,

but every morning we do have
the changing of the mice.

Ah, I see you make use of humor
as a weapon against war.

Why don't you all get
settled in your quarters?

What we charitably
refer to as lunch

will be coming up
in half an hour.

And then coming up again
in two hours.

That was a good one too.

If you gentlemen
will follow me.

Give him penicillin,
two million units
every six hours,

and a gram of
streptomycin q12h.

Keep a close eye
on his leg.

Dr. Kent,
meet Dr. Winchester.

-Oh. My pleasure.
-Doctor.

Ah, Schubert's "Trout".
One of my favorite pieces.

You are-- You are a devotee
of chamber music?

I spent summers with
my parents in San Remo
on the Italian Riviera.

They have a marvelous
music festival.

So I've heard. Please,
how fortunate you were.

Uh, our summer place
is in the Berkshires

just a baton's throw
away from Tanglewood.

Back at Crabapple Cove,
we had a great summer home.

It was the back porch
of our winter home.

We winter in, uh, Boston.
Beacon Hill, of course.

We live in Sussex.

Um, on some 35 acres or so
of rolling green hills.
Uh, Lion's Heart.

I prefer to winter here.
Rat's Lair.

Well, ta-ta.
I'm off to lunch.

On the way out, I hope
I don't fall in the moat.

Howdy, partner.

-How's it lookin', Doc?
-How's it feel?

There's too much pain
to tell.

Who's the girl?

The one not wearing
the bib is my wife.

The other one's
my daughter, Rachel.

Mmm. My little girl's
name is Erin.

I guess I'll be gettin' back
to see my girls soon, huh?

-I hope so.
-Is my leg comin' with me?

What gives you the idea
that it won't?

It really hurts.

And I seem to be getting
a lot of attention.

There was quite a bit
of dirt in the wound.

But I got it all cleaned out.
You're gonna be just fine.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Oh, no, no.
It is I who should
be excused, Colonel,

for imposing on your,
uh, most generous hospitality.

Uh, but I wanted to be alone
for my meditation.

Yoga is a wonderful way
of relieving inner tension.

Well, to each his own.

My way of relieving
inner tension
is to get an aspirin.

You will find the aspirin
on the, uh, bottom shelf.

Why, so it is.

-What are you, a swami too?
-No, no. Far from it.

The practice of yoga has
taught me to read upside down.

Ah. Thanks very much.

On Sundays, this mess tent
doubles as our chapel.

It's particularly well-suited
for this as it sleeps 85.

Now if you'll just follow me
over to the serving area,

we can pick up our trays
and chisels.

Oh, Mr. Johannsen?
Uh, let me fix a tray for you.

I don't understand, Margaret.

You never fix a tray for me.
What about you, Charles?

-She ever fix a tray for you?
-No.

Come on.
Smart people ignore him.

-Uh, may I?
-Oh, please.

Thank you.

I'd, um--
I'd skip today's dessert.

In my tent, I have a
brandied fruitcake from home.

Please, I couldn't.

-A man's personal fruitcake
is sacred.
-No, I'd be honored.

Well, if you insist.

You won't regret it.

The cake is laced with
a particularly fine brandy

that I first encountered
at a marvelous little
restaurant in France.

Perhaps you've heard of it.
Uh, uh, Le Pied du Cheval
in Bordeaux?

Le Pied du Cheval
is in Lyons.

Yeah.
Oh, of course.

I guess I had
so much brandy

that Lyons began to
look like Bordeaux.

At any rate, it was
the most exquisite meal
of my life.

Le Pied du Cheval is
a third-rate tourist trap

where French lorry drivers
take their wives on their
birthdays.

Well, y-- you know,
I had just arrived in--
in France.

Perhaps my palate
was disoriented.

Well, the time zones.

Well, if the complications
are just minor,

then how come a second trip
to the O.R.?

Union rules. Don't worry.
We just have to clean out
the wound again.

Okay. Whatever you say, Doc.

Do you have a moment,
Dr. Pierce?

Sure.

Uh, Captain,
when we were in the mess tent

I sensed that, uh,
you are not happy

with the attention
Major Houlihan gives me.

Margaret and I
are just friends.

Have yourself
a hell of an evening.

-I see.
-Uh, you don't look
very happy

for a guy who's about to
feel the earth move

without the aid of
artillery.

Uh... Can I talk to you
in private?

Captain, under
normal circumstances,

I would be overjoyed
at the prospect

of spending an evening
with Major Houlihan.

But?

Her intentions only serve
to present me

with an embarrassing
and frustrating situation.

What's the matter?
You married?

I'm afraid not.

What's the problem?

When I first came to Korea
a year and a half ago,

uh, I was involved in
an unfortunate accident.

A jeep in which I was riding
drove over a land mine.

Uh, I was wounded.

Nerve damage has
left me impotent.

POTTER :
Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

-Om...
-Are you all right, sir?

Oh, I'm fine, Klinger.
Just fine.

-What're you doing?
-This is yoga, son.

Captain Lal says meditation
helps rid the body of tension.

Is that why you're singing
"Oh! My Papa"?

I'm not. It's a mantra.

It's supposed to put me
in touch with

universal consciousness
and my real self.

But if you got a headache,

shouldn't you stay off
your head for a few days?

-Actually, I'm starting
to feel better.
-No kidding?

Here we are, gentlemen,
our most important stop.

This operating room
is the heart of the 4077th.

It ain't fancy,
but 97% of the wounded
who come in here alive

go out the same way.

Sorry, folks,
we have to go to work in here.

-What's up?
-Lumley.

His temperature's up.
His blood pressure's down.
His leg is draining like mad.

-It's definitely gas gangrene.
-Gonna have to take his leg?

Poor kid. Damn!

-Oh. May I join you?

Of course, Major.
You can take over for us.

We're due in post-op anyway.

Well, good night, Per.
It's been a pleasure
talking to you.

Yeah.
We really hate to leave.

I don't blame them.
I wouldn't want to
leave here, either.

Forgive me, Major.
Uh, I'm exhausted.

-I haven't slept
since I left Tokyo.
-Oh.

So, I think I'd better
be getting back to my tent.

Oh, I was so looking forward
to talking to you.

Couldn't you stay
for just one drink?

Uh, very well.
One drink.

Uh-- Uh, bartender?

So, you're from Sweden.

Oh, I've always loved
Hans Christian Andersen.
Thanks.

I can't tell you
how many times I've read

The Little Mermaid
and Hans Brinker.

Actually,
Hans Christian Andersen,
uh, was from Denmark.

That's right. Oh...

I always get
those two confused.

Oh, thank God I ran into you.
I need some help.

Stalin just died,
and they don't know
who's gonna replace him.

-Pierce, please.
-So I'm applying for
the position.

To me it's the best way
to make peace.
The way I figure it,

if I'm premier of Russia,
NATO will return
my phone calls.

-Pierce, do you mind?
-So I just wanna try out
my campaign slogans on you.

I mean, just--
What do you think of this?

Uh, "If you can't stand
the cold, get outta Siberia."

-Now what do you think
of this one?

Uh, "What this country needs
is a good five-cent czar."

-Yeah...

Uh. Well, uh...

Major Houlihan will obviously
be in very amusing company,

so I do not feel guilty
about leaving.

No, uh, we were--
We were just gonna--

You crumb!
Oh, why don't you
go to Siberia,

and freeze
your mouth off!

Ah, Major Houlihan.

Uh, Per, I just stopped by
to apologize for
Captain Pierce's behavior.

Oh, please.
Do not worry.

I actually find him
somewhat amusing.

Oh.

I sure would like
one of those.

-Do you mind if I come in?
-Uh, of course.

Is there any visitor more
welcome on a cold evening

than a snifter of
fine cognac?

-I wholeheartedly agree
with you.
-Oh.

-However, this bottle
will have to do.
-Ah.

Have to do?
Have to do what?

Surely you taste
the Folle Blanche
in this wonderful nectar?

The implication there is--

Folle Blanche in this
conveys to me that

your imagination
far outstrips your palate.

Begging your pardon,

but this has the
unmistakable nose
of Folle Blanche.

It comes from
the fabled vineyards of
the Chateau de Fontpinot.

As a matter of fact,
it was after enjoying

my first bottle of
a 1927 Fontpinot

that I no longer
considered myself
a virgin oenophile.

Good God.

'27 Fontpinot?

-Second-rate mouthwash.
-But--

Fontpinot's
greatest year, '28.

Yes. Well, uh,
I had heard that

that was quite
extraordinary.

Thank you
for refreshing my memory.

I don't believe it.

I'm in Korea, but I'm
fighting the "bore war."

B.J.: How am I gonna
tell him?

You always seem to
find a way.

Not for this.

I kept telling him
everything was gonna be okay.

-I never prepared him.
-You can't always know.

I knew there was
a damn good chance
he was gonna lose that leg.

I just couldn't bring myself
to face it.

We've all gotten to be experts
at not facing things.

See that?

Nice family, huh?
A wife, a little girl.

Remind you of
anybody you know?

He showed me that
yesterday...

and from that point on
I--

I put myself
in the picture.

I couldn't bring myself
to believe that he might
lose the leg.

POTTER/KLINGER :
Om Mani Padme Hum.

-Colonel--
-Om Mani Padme Hum.

-Colonel?
-Yes, Pierce.

Well, I had come in here
in the hope of finding someone

with whom I could have
a nice intelligent conversation

but I see you're in
no position to do that.

Pierce,
you seem a trifle edgy.

I've gone over the "edgy."

There's an international
conspiracy to drive me crazy.

Back in the Swamp,
the upper crusts are
toasting each other.

Meanwhile,
the head nurse is busy

trying to yump on
someone's yiminy.

And I come in here
only to find

my complaints are
falling on deaf feet.

KLINGER:
Forgive me, Captain,

but only through
accepting others
for what they are

will you find
true inner tranquillity.

You have to respect a man
who looks you

square in the toes
when he talks to you.

The great guru Ramdas
could not have said it
better, Max.

Uh, your neck,
has it improved?

A lot. Never had
an energy flow like this.

Why fight it? I might as well
go crazy and be inconspicuous.

And then for three years,
I've been headquartered

at the U.N. building
in New York.

I have an office
with a window.

Of course,
so does everyone else.

-Can I have another drink?
-Yeah.

I just love aquavit.

This is your national drink,
right?

Actually, uh,
this also is Danish.

Oh.

Smorgasbord?

Yeah. That is ours.

I finally got one!

Unfortunately, in your country
it has come to mean

"everything you can eat
for a dollar and a quarter."

What are you reading?

"Closing the Ring"
by Winston Churchill.

Have you, uh,
read any of his books?

Well, no, actually,
I haven't.

But I think he's
a wonderful man.

And I--
I love his paintings.

I guess your work takes you
all over the world, huh?

Yes. Yes, it does.

I sure am glad
it brought you here.

So am I.

-What's the matter?
-I, uh-- I'm sorry.

I'm really very tired.
I would like to go to sleep.

I don't understand.

Please. Please go.

I thought we were
getting along so well.

We are, believe me. I--

I think you're
a warm, wonderful,
very attractive woman.

I enjoy your company
very much.

Then why are you so anxious
to have me leave?

You know,
I would really...

very much like to stay.

Margaret...

nothing would make me happier

than to spend the night
with you, but I can't.

Not with you
or any other woman.

-What?
-I've, uh--

-I've had an injury.
I was wounded.
-Oh, Per...

Believe me,
often I have longed for
the affection of a woman,

the physical contact.

This is the first time
since I was hurt

that I've let myself
get so close to a woman.

-I'm sorry.
-Oh, no. Pl--

Please don't
apologize.

I-- I'm the one
who should be sorry

for putting you in such
an awkward situation.

Oh, no.
You had no way of knowing.

So...

why don't we just
say good night?

Oh.

I'd really rather not.

If you don't mind, I'd--
I'd like to stay awhile,

and talk.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that would be very nice.

Let me get you
another drink, and-- Oh!

What?
What's the matter now?

I just realized
that shortly,

uh, Captain Lal
will be returning
to go to sleep and--

No problem.

We can continue this
conversation in my tent.
I don't have any roommates.

So there I was
in Elewijt

standing in the very house
where Rubens painted

his most wonderful
masterpiece,

"The Rape of the Daughters
of Leucippus."

Surely you jest.

Hardly one of Rubens's
best works.

Oh, granted, it appeals
to bourgeois taste, but--

-Besides--
-Bourgeois?

The master painted that
when he lived in Antwerp.

Well, it was merely
an error in geography.

My brain is not a map.

Barely a brain.

Oh, yeah?
Well, says you,

you s--
you boorish Sussex fop!

Ignorant Back Bay
philistine!

Snob!

Clod!

Dandy!

Cretin!

-I don't care
who your parents are.

You can take your
father's villa
and stuff it!

What's so funny?

It isn't my father's villa.

It's my father's
employer's villa.

-What?
-Father is the butler.

When I was old enough,
I became the chauffeur.

It helped put me
through medical school.

-But you told me that--
-I told you the truth.

I summered in San Remo
and wintered in Sussex.

You assumed the rest.

Well, you encouraged
the assumption.

And why not?

It was such fun
to submit you to derision,

and watch you crawl back
for more.

-I did not.
-You most certainly did.

You assumed that only
people of wealth

and breeding have
any taste or class.

Well, mate,
you have been outclassed

by the son of
a bloody butler.

Ah, shut up!

Lumley, can you hear me?

How ya doin', Captain?

-I'm doin' okay.
-How am I doing?

You're gonna make it now.

But I'm, uh--

I'm afraid, uh, all
the news is not good.

Is it my leg?

There was nothing else
I could do.

Look, I'm-I'm sorry
I didn't prepare you
for this, but, uh--

I had a feeling all along

just from the fuss
you guys were making.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah.

You could do me a favor.

You name it.

Don't tell my wife, okay?

See...

I love to go out dancing
on Saturday nights.

And she likes to stay in.

And if she ever found out
that I had a wooden leg,

she would hide it
just to keep me at home.

Captain Lal!

I'd have been out here
earlier to say good-bye,

but I went extra innings
with the sandman.

I wanna thank ya
from the bottom of my head.

And my neck
feels great too.

Oh, anytime I can be
of service to you,

please feel free
to call me.

Well, good-bye, all.

I shall treasure
this experience for hours.

Why don't you, uh,
let him drive?
He's a professional.

-Good-bye, dear Margaret.
-Good-bye, Per.

Keep in touch.

POTTER:
We're gonna keep up
with our yoga.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

So, evidently you had
a nice evening.

Oh, I certainly did.

He's a wonderful man.

And, you!

-Thanks for trying
to be a jerk.
-Aw...