All language subtitles for Britains.TikTok.Murder.S01E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-RAWR_track3_[eng]

Finally, the police
get their person.

Winter Swan-Miller
has been arrested

on suspicion of
Stuart Crocker's murder.

She's taken into custody,

and she's then transferred down
to Hampshire.

After her fleeing to
Birmingham,

she could have been hidden
for some time.

I didn't think
it would take long, really,

for her to be arrested.

Just because
of the craving attention.

You know,
her being a naughty girl,

and all the things that she
portrayed on her TikTok videos.

I'm going to be taking a break
from TikTok for a bit,

I think, because

I've been a bad girl.

We're into new depths
of something here.

My poor mate is dead.

There is always two sides
to every story.

They took Swan-Miller

to Basingstoke
Investigation Centre.

On her record,
they will have flagged

the fact that she's a drug user.

It took a long time
to interview her

because she was high
when she was admitted.

During Swan-Miller's
interviews,

Most of the time
she answered no comment.

But on one occasion, she said

that there was a dispute
over the dog.

She believed that Oblivion
had been stolen or let out,

and she was blaming Stuart
for that.

The police can hold
an individual for 24 hours

without charging them.

If police run out of time,
they have the ability to go to

either a judge or a magistrate

to ask to extend the time
for questioning.

And that's what happened
in this case.

So there's a huge amount
of work that now goes on.

You know,
you're under the microscope

and there are time limits
that you need to follow.

So when she was
arrested,

she had some jewellery,
a ring, a watch, bracelet.

They were tested.

They were looked at as part of
the whole forensic examination.

And there were traces
of Stuart's blood on it.

So within the crime
scene,

there were notes
around the body.

The notes read things like,

"seriously up
and killed someone.

I can't believe I stabbed him
to death in the throat.

The back on the neck,
all the body.

Then I choked him
with my LV bag.

Haha! Oblivion was rolling
in his blood."

The attack shows a real
hatred towards the victim.

You know, there's something
that sparked

this kind
of violent attack on him.

The handwritten
notes were processed.

And it was proved
to be Swan-Miller's handwriting

by a graphologist.

I am one of the reporters

on all the crime stories
for Andover Advertiser.

There aren't many murders
in Andover.

So, when this case came up,

we knew that this was a big
talking point in Andover.

When Winter Swan-Miller
was arrested from the Midlands,

she was with another man.

He was also arrested,
as police believed

he knew about the murder,
and he was helping her.

The police questioned
this gentleman

about how he knew Swan-Miller

and what the nature
of their relationship was,

and he started talking about
this woman who had turned up,

referred by a friend of his,
who needed somewhere to stay.

This man is facing serious
charges now

of basically
assisting an offender

and the fraud and the use
of Stuart Crocker's card

at cashpoints.

This man was then charged
by police.

Swan-Miller was
eventually charged

with the murder
of Stuart Crocker,

which is the most serious
offence

that someone
can be charged with.

I think people
were quite relieved.

I think there was
almost a sense of

at least we found her,
and is off the streets,

and we're thinking,
this is going to be a big case,

people are interested,

and they're coming to us for
the information at this point,

because it hasn't been picked
up nationally that much.

We had
a family liaison officer,

and she rang us to say
that she had been charged.

It was hard.

For all this to happen
was a shock

how she had attacked
our lives, basically,

and changed the path of it.

I was happy
when I had heard

that she had been caught
and charged.

I think it was such an ordeal
for me, mentally,

to lose the one best
friend I've had.

I was also angry
because I had also hoped that

they would find her in a ditch.

Swan-Miller's case was that
she admitted killing Stuart,

but that she didn't intend
to kill him,

or that she had a momentary loss

as a result of some kind
of breakdown.

In effect, it meant
there had to be a trial,

and a trial required
the prosecution to prove,

beyond reasonable doubt,

i.e., so the jury can be sure
that she did commit it.

The police's work
has barely started.

They've got a suspect,
they've charged a suspect.

But there's still an awful lot
to do.

The police need to ensure
that all the evidence stacks up

and shows
that she is responsible

for the murder of Stuart.

They will be pulling together
all the witness statements.

They'll be looking at the CCTV
imagery that they have.

They'll be looking
at her social media accounts

and the footage
that they've taken from that.

They'll be examining the notes
that she's written.

The defence will be speaking
to psychologists, psychiatrists.

They will be looking
at any background behaviours.

They'll also be trying
to discredit Stuart,

who, sadly, is not there
to defend himself.

And that's why it's
really important

we get the family there

that can speak
on behalf of the victim,

but also the police
investigation itself.

I was aware that, you know,
obviously,

that the police have now
got a suspect, shall we say,

at this point.

Those that knew Swan-Miller, um,

I think were just hoping that
this would be the end of it,

and that she wouldn't be
returning out.

Then I thought, well,
who's fighting for Stuart?

The man's gone, you know,
he'll be forgotten.

And as a consequence,
I found myself delving.

So with Swan-Miller
on the front page,

this is the first time
that we've got her custody shot.

So we have a picture of her now,

which looks vastly different to
the pictures of her on TikTok.

There's been several posts

been put out
on social media by police.

And there's a lot
of posts going around.

There's a lot of speculation
on social media

across the whole country.

And then people from
Winter Swan-Miller's past life

start commenting
on different posts.

And as my phone pinged,

it started ringing
straight away.

So I've answered the phone,
and my mum's like,

"I knew there was something
wrong about that Swan-Miller"

She said, "look
at what I've just sent you."

And there she was,
Swan-Miller's face,

stabbed some poor man to death.

My daughter Kelly, she
got in touch with me to tell me

that Swan-Miller
had killed somebody.

Murdered someone.

Stuart Crocker.

She stabbed him many times.

Swan-Miller,
I just did not like the woman.

She destroyed my daughter,
Natalie's life.

She were evil.

Naturally, as journalists,
we're monitoring the comments,

and sometimes they will lead to
connections or better stories.

So we're shocked to find out
that Winter Swan-Miller,

she's been married, she's,
she'd been married to a woman.

Natalie.

We're starting
to see this picture

of Winter Swan-Miller's life
before Andover,

before Stuart.

I got a message
from Kelly Pashley.

Kelly Pashley was
Natalie Pashley's sister.

So this reads, I quote, "I hope
you investigate Swan-Miller

because we came to the police
in Derbyshire after my sister

suddenly died
of a brain haemorrhage

caused by blunt force trauma.

Nothing was done,
but she moved away,

changed her name, and now
a man has lost his life."

This was referring to Stuart.

This is what really
prompted my interest,

something that I felt
I could investigate.

It was suggested to me

that the death
of Natalie was not an accident.

Natalie has been laid
to rest.

But I'm ashamed because
she hasn't got a headstone.

I've got end of life diagnosis.

But I want to see
that she's got this stone on,

you know, before I actually go.

When Natalie was born,

as soon as we had her,
that was it,

we fell in love
with her straight away.

And she got a bit older,

she were more of a tomboy
than a girl.

She'd get up to playing football
and all sorts of stuff,

and she were rough and ready,

which I loved about her,
because she were funny.

She weren't a girly-girl.

Natalie came home one night,

and she'd got this girl
with her, called Swan-Miller.

And things progressed.

Natalie began to like her a lot.

When I first met Swan-Miller
with my Auntie Nat,

she took us all out shopping.

Wouldn't think anything of it.

She was a happy person.

When I was younger,
I used to follow Swan-Miller

on Instagram,

and pictures with my Auntie Nat
and whatnot.

She's always seemed to have been

very social media
influenced, like.

The relationship
looks like a happy,

normal, healthy relationship.

There's lots
of posts about love.

It looks all bright and rosy.

Natalie moved in with Miller
and her mum, Blair.

Right, we're going up to start
doing the challenge.

My Auntie Nat
and Swan-Miller they,

they both seem genuinely happy,

and I was happy to see
that my auntie was happy.

The next time we see her,
she's married.

No one knew about the wedding.

No one was invited,
it just happened.

My daughter Natalie,
she had her name changed to,

Harper Swan-Miller.

It were a farce, basically.

It were just, oh, come on,
let's get married type of thing,

and that was that.

My daughter can't even remember
getting married to Swan-Miller.

She says it were like a dream,

like it, it weren't real.

I noticed things changing
with my daughter.

She came a bit withdrawn,

not her usual self.

After a period of time
in the relationship,

we were not seeing that at all.

None of us were, she was

cut off from the whole family.

There was constant arguments
between

Swan-Miller and my Nana Lynn.

I suspected that
Swan-Miller was taking drugs

and I think she was giving
them Natalie as well.

Natalie came to my home
with Swan-Miller,

and they were stood
in my kitchen,

and I said, "would any of
you like anything to eat?"

No, we're fine.

And then a bit after it,

it was like about 5
or 10 minutes later,

Natalie's eyes started rolling.

Natalie, she couldn't
even respond to me.

She couldn't even talk to me.

And I went mad,
and I said to her,

"what on earth has she had?"

Miller's laughing her head off.

I said, "don't laugh,
that's my daughter."

I says,
"I want to know what she's had."

She says, "oh,
I gave her such and such."

I said, "you gave her what?"

she says, "It was only a
paracetamol and something else."

So my mum were constantly
arguing with Swan-Miller.

Tell her what she's
doing is not right.

And then our auntie Nat
would stick with Swan-Miller

and say everything's fine,
everything's fine.

Things weren't fine.

All the neighbours had been on
about them.

She'd been hitting
on Natalie with a golf club.

It seems that their dynamic in
the household was very abusive.

We've all seen burn marks
on my auntie Nat's hands.

So the images of the burn
marks were sent from Nat

to my mother,

and I believe that was because
my Auntie Nat was concerned,

but didn't quite know how
to explain

that she was scared about what
was going on in the house, like.

Because she was
getting abused.

So if you think about
coercive behaviour,

psychological abuse is often
about isolating the victim

from their friends, their family
and their social network,

but also breaking down
their sense of self-esteem,

their confidence, then really
activating their insecurities.

Because what that does

is create dependency
on that person.

Then, if we bring in
physical abuse,

that's about reinforcing
the fact that

there's consequences
if this individual resists.

[sinister music

Natalie's sister, Kelly,

is quite rightly concerned
about what's happening,

and she's still terrified,

frightened about what
the future might hold

if her sister continues
in this abusive relationship.

So she's starting to document
incidents that are happening

between Natalie
and Winter Storm Miller.

She's starting
to keep text messages

and pictures
and screenshots.

Russell was in touch with us.

He's tracking things,

and he's been speaking
to Natalie's family,

and they have shown
WhatsApp messages

and shared photographs
that they have

of Natalie
in a really distressing state.

My Auntie Nat was usually
a chubby-ish girl.

She sent pictures to my mum
of her in the bath

scrawny as anything,
not looking like herself at all.

Here we can see
personal text messages

that have been sent.

Harper, which we now know as
Natalie, is texting her sister.

Oh my God. WTF?

Right, this is Kelly going,

What on earth has gone on?

Kelly is in disbelief
at how her sister now looks.

She's emaciated.

Oh, she looked filthy.

Really dirty.

She was thin, her bones
were showing and everything,

and she looked scared.

She was sleeping
in the shed outside.

The whole control went on
for quite a while,

about 2 or 3 years.

It was really upsetting for me,
you know,

because last time I ever spoke
to Natalie,

Natalie was telling me
they'd moved to Rotherham.

Swan-Miller
and my daughter Natalie,

and her mother, Blair.

We've got an house there.

I said to her, I said, "well,

when are you going
to give me your phone number?"

She says, "oh well,
I'll give it you."

She says, "I've got a new one."

She says, "and I'll let
you know what it is."

So I waited...

Nothing.

No phone call, no social media.

It were like,
my daughter didn't exist,

you know, she vanished
off the face of blooming earth.

It was the 11th of August

2019,

I got up on the Sunday morning

to a phone call.

It was Blair Miller,
Swan-Miller's mum,

to tell me that my daughter
had passed away.

I thought it was some sick joke.

Natalie had been on a
life support machine.

Five days she was left there,

and of course, the next of kin
was the very only Swan-Miller.

I found out
that my daughter

had been dumped by Swan-Miller

in the hallway of the hospital,
and just left.

Just to die, really.

The people in the hospital
had actually said

that they'd found this girl
on a trolley in the hallway

where she'd been seen
whoever had rushed off

and just left her there

And then about
five days into

my auntie being on
an intensive care ward,

Swan-Miller tells them
to turn the machine off.

I felt guilty
that I couldn't be with her.

The people that were looking
for my daughter

didn't know her proper name.

They didn't know
she'd got a family.

They knew nothing.

The family say the next
thing they're facing

is the fact
that they can't retrieve

Natalie's body
from the hospital.

Winter Swan-Miller
is the next of kin,

she's the wife,

and she hasn't collected
the body

or followed any of
the processes.

So now the family
are not only grieving,

they're also having to deal
with a situation

where they're facing unnecessary
red tape and barriers.

And it come to the point
where my mum and me

and Auntie Natalie’s father

had to agree to pay
for the whole funeral costs

for them to release
the body to us,

and it was a period
of about three weeks

before we could even
get her in the chapel of rest.

So we had the funeral,

we tried to invite Swan-Miller.

She didn't want nothing
to do with the funeral at all

for some reason.

She was avoiding all
conversations, all phone calls.

Didn't want to give us any of
Nat's belongings at all.

Nothing.

There was definitely two
different versions of events

that Swan-Miller had told us
regarding my auntie's passing.

One of them was that she was in
the garden cutting the grass,

and she fell over
and banged her head,

and that's when she
took her to hospital.

And the other one was

that she'd gone
to sleep with a headache

and just simply not woke up.

There were some
irregularities,

shall we say, in the story,

as to how Winter Miller's
wife had been deceased.

I'm collecting these notes,
and I'm thinking,

well, that's strange.

With that insight,

the mother and the sister
challenged the coroner's report.

The coroner,

he says it was a rare bleed
to the brain.

I said, "well,
how would that have happened?"

He says, "well,
we're not quite sure."

I says, "I am."

I says, "I think it's an hit
to head, she's had.

I want an inquest."

"No, no, no, no, I'm not willing
to perform one."

He says, "at the end of the day,

I've done my job, he says, and
I've come to that conclusion,

what happened and all the events
that went surrounding it,"

he says, "And I'm happy
that Natalie died that way."

I understand the Pashley
family are not happy

with the coroner's report
regarding Natalie's death.

But it's not just a question
of being unhappy

because you think
something's happened.

You need some solid evidence
to change the coroner's view.

When Natalie Pashley's family
found out about, you know,

the events that had
unfolded with Stuart,

this dossier, it was provided
to Hampshire police.

They were outlining abuse.

They were outlining events
that had happened.

And they weren't just
describing,

there were visual photos.

And I was told
unofficially that, um,

don't worry,
this isn't the end of it, okay?

There will be, you know,
she's going to get re-arrested.

Natalie's family
was hoping that

Natalie's story will be told
as part of

Winter Swan-Miller's trial,

because they wanted
Natalie's voice to be heard.

The Hampshire police were
calling my mum,

asking her to be a witness
in court.

It was crazy. It was like,
after all these years

of putting something to bed,

and having to accept that

there was nothing
that was going to happen,

and my auntie had gone
and that was it.

And then all of a sudden,

Swan-Miller was right
in the forefront

of all of our minds again.

It was held
at Winchester Crown Court.

In the public gallery, there
were many friends and family

from Stuart Crocker,

with Winter Swan-Miller
in the dock

for the murder
of Stuart Crocker.

I wanted to see who
Swan-Miller was in the flesh,

because I wanted her to see

from people
that meant something to Stuart

what she had done,
especially to Joseph.

I was incredibly anxious.

I wanted to hear what
had happened in its entirety,

and I wanted to take
that burden on

as perhaps some sort
of punishment

for not being there as much as
I could have been for my dad.

Given the evidence
around the TikTok

and forensic evidence,

she had pleaded not guilty.

I was sitting inside
the courtroom with a laptop.

I was reporting it live
from the room there,

and it goes straight to
the Andover Advertiser website,

where people
outside can just read

what's happening
inside the courtroom.

The first stage of a trial

is for the prosecution to
present the case to the jurors.

And the prosecution's case
was that Winter Swan-Miller

committed this murder

in like with an intent
to kill him,

it was just plain murder.

There were a number of witnesses
were called to the courtroom.

The main investigation officer,

her examination
and cross-examination

went on for several days.

What was shown in court
was the TikTok video,

which we now know to have
been filmed at Stuarts flat,

not long after she killed him.

Well, hi guys.

I'm going to be taking a break
from TikTok for a bit,

I think because

I've been a bad girl.

Hmm.

I can only explain

when the time comes.

I had to do what I did because

of my

situation.

The video showed her
confessing to what she'd done.

She was sat on the sofa

and her legs were actually
over Stuart's body beneath her.

Pretty horrific scene,
by all accounts, inside.

I'll give you my name.
I'll give you my location.

The prosecution say this
was a calculated act

that she undertook,

and she was seeking
that notoriety.

I've never seen this type
of admission before

where somebody has committed
a brutal act like she has,

and then gone straight online
to tell her followers

about what's happened.

It's certainly unusual.

She doesn't look distressed
when she's making this post.

In fact, she looks quite pleased
with herself,

which is particularly worrying,

but it is really unusual to see.

The prosecution
also showed in court

a series of films of Swan-Miller
talking into her telephone,

which weren't posted anywhere.

They weren't posted online

saying things like,
I killed the

Swan-Miller can be
heard saying,

"these are the dogs
they steal from me

or tried to steal from me.

I killed the .

And there's another one
that says,

"I'm sitting in the same room
as the old man that I stabbed."

Powerful words.

She was telling people
that she had killed someone.

So this is the other side of
the social media persona

of Winter Swan-Miller.

Truly disturbing.

In the court,
prosecution also said that,

on the day of the murder,

there were videos
of Winter Swan-Miller

going to cashpoints
to take money

out of Mr. Crocker's bank card.

We saw CCTV footages
of her going to the Tesco.

As she was leaving Andover,
she had her luggage with her.

She also had a dog.

Oblivion.

Forensics are called to court,
and they give evidence

that says Stuart's
blood has been found

on things owned
by Winter Swan-Miller,

such as her watch
and her jewellery.

The jurors were also told
about a Louis Vuitton bag

that Winter Swan-Miller had.

There was DNA evidence
on the strap,

showing that
she used to strangle him.

That's pretty damning.

So, the next thing
presented to the court

is that Swan-Miller's DNA

has been found
under Stuart's fingernails

and in his underwear.

There was also DNA
of a sexual nature,

which proved that they were
engaged in a sexual act

just before the incident.

After the prosecution
completed their case,

it was the turn
of the defence counsel

to present
Winter Swan-Miller's case,

explaining
this was not a murder,

this was a manslaughter.

When I sit as a
magistrate

where you sit
as a judge and jury,

you would listen
to the prosecution case.

That's what was always
presented first.

And you'd be,

"oh, for God's sake,
what are we doing here?

They're so obviously guilty.

What a waste of time."

Then the defence would stand up.

So it's definitely a game
of two halves.

So the defence said

that Winter Swan-Miller
had acted in self-defence,

that Stuart had raped her.

She had grabbed a knife
and stabbed him in fear.

Her argument was that she was
the vulnerable victim

and Stuart Crocker was
the abuser and the manipulator.

And this last moment was,
she'd had enough,

so she killed him.

They said that
from the evidence,

the forensic could
not prove that

the sexual act was consensual

or was it a sexual assault?

The defence also said
the number of stab wounds

show that it was
an act in panic,

rather than a premeditated
murder attempt.

We followed the trial
on social media,

Swan-Miller was saying,

Stuart Crocker raped her.

All sorts of stuff,
she'd come up with.

It felt like the jury
were believing her.

I thought, oh, please, no.

Just don't let her get away
with this.

After the accusations,

Swan-Miller was fighting
for her life.

I was worried

that people might
fall for the victim statements

she was giving out.

She was intimating that

something bad had happened
to her.

Imagine Stuart's family,
his son.

His ex-wife.

What if this goes the wrong way?

So that was a concern to me,
the family,

and probably to the police
as well.

We learned
during the trial

all these rapes and things that
she kept saying would happened.

None of them
were ever confirmed.

None of it was ever reported
to the police.

Knowing my relationship
with Stuart,

I can say hand on heart,
no way would Stuart rape anyone.

It's a really tricky
position to be in

as a prosecution team,

to try and disprove
that that had happened,

particularly when it's one
person's word against another

and the other person
is no longer with us.

... Second
defence strategy

was loss of control.

Her argument was a fear
for the fate of her dog

as the trigger
for loss of control.

And if the jury accept that,

it wouldn't have
been an acquittal,

but it would have been
a downgrade from murder

to voluntary manslaughter
as the charge.

So Swan-Miller's claims about
the dog having been kidnapped

on first sight looks sort
of mad.

Um, but you've got
to remember that

in the state and in the place

that drugs can put
an individual,

people can become very paranoid.

It turns out that Oblivion
had escaped from the flat

and was returned by a neighbour,

but in her mind,
this was the trigger

for her attacking
and murdering Stuart.

The third defence strategy
was diminished responsibility.

Now this is, um, due to insanity

or intoxication
or all of the above.

The jurors heard
that she had a,

like a difficult childhood.

It was only seven months
since the death of her mother,

Blair Swan-Miller.

She died due to overuse
of prescribed drugs,

which led
to respiratory depression.

So there was a lot of,
um, mental health issues

was going through, uh,
her life during this time.

So considering these factors,

defence, uh,
try to make it a point

that she had a diminished
responsibility in this incident.

It was like a tennis game.

The prosecution
would present an evidence

and then the defence would try
to strike that down.

I think the biggest thing for
me that I found out

when I went to court

was the finer details of Winter

and my dad's
encounters together.

Hearing about how she had
control of his bank accounts,

she would decide
who he could call or text,

how she would make him pay
for alcohol and drugs,

and the exploits
she had with other men

behind my dad's back.

Hearing her defence
was disgusting.

After 12 weeks,
we hear closing arguments,

and we hear from her defence

that she's not a monster,

but she is a tragic figure.

If I was the SIO,
I'd be quite nervous,

I think, in that trial.

I normally go to trials
very confident, thinking,

we've got our person.

The jury are going
to see through all this.

But for me, it just yeah,
it was one of those ones

that it could have gone
either way.

The jury has sent out.

this starts three days
of deliberation,

ten hours of discussion

until they finally come back
with their verdict.

Then the court's back
in session.

I sat down,

mum was holding my hand tightly.

There was loads of
people there that day.

And the jury are asked if
they have come to their verdict.

They've made their decision.

It's guilty and unanimous.

And as soon as the guilty
verdict came up,

I air punched and went, "Yes!"

The judge issued the
sentence,

which was 23 years for the
murder of Mr. Stuart Crocker.

We were all ecstatic
upon hearing it and

seeing her shake her head

at the fact that she's
getting her sentence.

I think Swan-Miller thought
it was all going to go her way.

Just relief that she
didn't get away with it

on some sort of made up,
you know, stories.

Thank God, 23 years, yes.

Should have been 123 years.

That's what it should have been.

My mum, she was meant
to be a witness for court,

for Swan-Miller's trial,

but they never called her up
in the end for some reason.

And so she was very disappointed
by the end of it,

when they hadn't
got hold of her,

and didn't invite her down
to court.

Natalie's family were probably
hoping that

it would come up
as a potential, you know,

is there anything suspicious
here that happened here?

Maybe they could, could get
that looked at

and investigated again.

However, the murder trial
was solely on Stuart Crocker

and what's happened to him.

It's difficult to really
understand why

Swan-Miller did what she did to
Stuart on that particular day,

but what I can take from
that crime scene

is this was a particularly
personal attack

and particularly vicious.

She used him for money.

She used him for shelter,

and may have used him
for sex as well,

and for some reason
or another, something happened

where she decided
she no longer needed him,

and she carried out
this vicious attack on him.

Winter Swan-Miller,
she'll be out in 2047.

She'll be out when she's 59.

Why did Winter Swan-Miller
kill Stuart Crocker?

Was her brain addled
by all the class A drugs?

Was it the fact
that he had let her dog out,

or was she doing it for fame
for the influencer?

I guess we'll never know, really.

My main concern
when I look back on this

is that there were so many
warning markers missed,

I felt helplessness
that Stuart had died.

I feel it could have
been prevented.

This is a fallen comrade.

This is a friend.

Um, this is someone that

nobody really was wanting
to stand up for.

Uh, you know,
he'd lost his way a little bit.

I would like Stuart to
be remembered as a kind person.

He was a good soldier,
and he served his country well.

I love
the memories of me

being able to cook him dinner.

I love the memories
of him pestering me on the phone

for hours on end, even when
I didn't want to be bothered.

I love the memories we did have.

The good memories.

So this is my dad, Stuart.

Uh, we plan to take him
towards Scotland,

where we're hoping
to spread his ashes over a loch

to honour his wishes.

I'm not sure how I feel.

It feels weird to hold your dad

in two hands like
this, I suppose,

but I can take
some joy in the fact that

I've still got him close to me.