All language subtitles for Archie Bunkers Place s03e20 Love Is Hell

And when Eric passed me no study class,
I thought I was gonna die.

What's the matter with the kids? You
need a bath?

Archie, he's very neat.

He's a nice-looking boy.

Well, how do you know?

I've seen him. Oh.

Eric happens to be the cutest guy in the
entire school.

He's the quarterback of the football
team, and he gets the highest marks.

Oh, he gets the highest marks, huh?

Well, you know, when I was in school, we
had a special name for the boy that got

the highest marks.

Egghead? No, no, that name came much
later on. We used to call him a Fink.

That's terrible. Of course you asked me.
Go on talking there.

He could date any girl he wanted to. He
once even dated a senior.

Whoop-dee-doo. Why do I have to hear
this? Why not?

Because what happened to the kid who
used to be here last year? Who all used

to talk about cartoons there and stuffed
animals and roller skates? Nowadays, all

I hear about is boys, boys, boys, which
I hate.

She's growing up.

Not while I'm around, she is.

So, uh, come on, huh?

Talk about something else, huh? Anything
else?

Okay.

Let's talk about punk rock.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
You're just trying to drive me nuts and

drive me out of the house.

Well, all right, I'll go. I'll go, go,
go, go, go out of the house.

And I ain't got money to put a rope over
your head.

Eric passed me a note yesterday.

Oh, yeah? What'd it say?

Could I borrow your ruler?

Boy, have you got it, Ben.

Well, didn't you ever feel like this?

Oh, sure.

My first love lasted a year.

Well, did it take you out a lot?

Nah, I was only 12.

How old was he?

35.

Wow.

He was my orthodontist.

I wanted to see him so badly, I used to
go every Saturday to have my braces

tightened. How could you talk?

Oh, I could talk. I just couldn't smile.

You do some crazy things when you're in
love.

Pink I must be.

Oh, you are.

Does it show?

A little.

You're eating ethereal with a fork.

Ah, strange but true, huh, Harry?

It says here a priest challenged the
devil. The devil proved his power by

floating a possessed man to the ceiling
of a church upside down.

Try not having it.

Indochina. Indochina.

You believe that, Arch?

Harry, that's the one paper that don't
lie.

And anyway, that ain't the point.

Now, what's the point? The point is that
the chink deserved that for going into a

Catholic church in the first place.

Archie, in case you haven't noticed, we
have some customers coming in, and we

could use a hand.

In case you ain't noticed, I'm the boss
in here.

Don't be fresh.

take that to Stephanie? Yes, I can
please take that to Stephanie. Don't be

fresh.

There you go, kiddo. Here's your lunch.
And I can hardly believe you're ordering

this thing. Peach, hams, and a bowl of
cottage cheese.

It's low-cal.

Healthier for me.

Ah, your regular hamburg is good enough.
Gives you plenty of pep. And then the

french fries, they give a healthy
glisten glow to a kid's complexion.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi, Eric.

Oh, Eric.

Oh, so this is the kid with the high
marks here, huh?

That's enough.

Don't do that to me, huh?

How you doing? What do you want?

I remember Stephanie saying she's
luncher every day, so if I'd walk her

back to school.

I think she can find a school for
herself, you know, unless they moved it

since this morning.

Nice.

I'm always nice there. I'm talking to
the boy. I hear you're the big brains in

the school.

Not really. I just study a lot.

Well,

Bunny, you don't look smart.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean to say there's a kind of a
look to smart, you know?

It's the little runt with the Coke
bottle eyeglasses there and the skin as

white as toilet paper.

Well,

thanks. I'm saying.

Uncle Archie, don't you have a lot of
customers to wait on?

Yeah, but they can wait a little bit,
you know. I'm trying to say something to

the boy here.

What's your name again? Eric. Yeah,
Eric.

Now, you're a boy and you're a friend,
but you cannot be a boy friend.

Do you follow me, my friend?

Yes, sir.

Well, go ahead, sit down, sit down.

You sit in that chair there and you sit
in that chair over there and please

don't let me see the two chairs creeping
together there, huh?

Billy, step over this way, please, huh?

Please, just keep an eye on this, huh?

Am I wrong or did he hate me?

Well, I'd say you're being barely
tolerated on a trial basis.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Hi, Eric.

I'm Billy, Stephanie's cousin.

I saw you play football once. You look
terrific.

Thanks. So do you.

Thank you.

Do you work here all the time? Oh, of
course not.

Archie lets me out at night to fix the
dinner.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

She's nice, isn't she?

Oh, yeah, nice.

Say, uh, are you still having trouble
with those algebra problems?

Am I ever.

Maybe I could come over to your house
tonight and help you study.

You really want to?

I really want to.

Well, wait right here. I have to go ask
my uncle.

Uncle Archie! Yeah, what?

Could Eric please come over tonight and
help me study?

Oh, the two of you just want to study
over the house tonight, huh? No.

Oh, come on, Archie. Stay out of this.
Let him come over.

I'll be there.

That ain't the point. I ain't gonna be
there.

Why not?

This is a place of business here, kiddo.
They can't get along here without me.

You mean you're going to miss the John
Wayne Film Festival on TV?

Does that start tonight?

I thought in the TV Guide. The sagebrush
kid.

That's one of the Duke's early classics.

Then you'll be home?

Oh, well, gee, I don't know. Harry?

You've got to be home for that. Oh,
yeah, I think I've got to be home for

that. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Billy.

Oh, glad to help. He's really cute up
close.

I know.

What does Steffi's young man look like,
Arch?

Oh, well, Mr. Bernard, you've got to
kind of close your eyes and try to

imagine a kind of a well-built,
good-looking young kid there.

He might be a teenage version of me.

If you can feature that.

his life on the line, and this bum wants
to sell me cars.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. I hope yous
ain't planning to study over there.

The only other place is my room.

Do what I tell you. You study over
there.

Now, listen, I don't like the way you're
dressed there, you know?

Why not?

What's wrong with it?

Well, it's just that, you know, the way
it looks. Come on, you're only 13.

Why do you have to rush through the
loveliest years of your life, you sweet

obsolescence?

eyes. What do you got in your eyes
there? Oh, look at all the blue.

You look like one of them peacocks
getting ready to say, you who?

Hey, dressed up like that, you can't
have your mind on no studying.

Sure I could.

I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

My perfume.

Listen, when you're up there, change
into something else, huh? Just, I mean,

put on something that looks like
nothing. Something shapeless.

I'm not gonna change my clothes. again,
but I will fix my hair different. Call

me when Eric gets here, okay?

You put me through all this again, Lord,
huh? Why?

You want me to get that, Archie? Please
get that and listen, Billy. You gotta

help me around here. We gotta keep that
kid innocent.

Hi, Billy. Hi, Eric. Come on in.

Where's your book?

It's all up here.

There's the kind of kid who's too smart
for books, you know? That's what worries

me a little. Get over there.

What's your name?

What's your name again?

Eric. Yeah, Eric.

Well, listen, Eric.

I'm going to be spending the evening
right here at home, you know, so watch

it.

Archie.

I am only warning the boy that me and
the Duke is going to be spending an

evening here.

Come on in the kitchen, Eric. I made a
cake for you and Steph.

Well, when you're out there, maybe you
ought to explain some of the rules of

the house there, huh, Billy? You know,
all the things I won't allow around

here. We're safe, Arch. He's only got
till 10 o'clock.

Have a seat. Steph will be right down.
Oh, no hurry.

So, what are you studying?

Right now?

You.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no.

Everything's perfect.

Oh, well.

Would you like some milk? No, thanks.

Okay, well, Steph should be down real
soon.

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

You're here.

What do you mean?

The reason I'm here.

It's chemistry.

I thought you were studying math.

Oh, that's for Stephanie.

The chemistry's between you and me.

Can't you feel it?

No, I can't feel it. And you'd best not
either.

Oh, come on. Don't fight it.

You're just as attracted to me as I am
to you.

You'd better stop watching old movies.
Turn on hockey.

I mean it. You're here to see Stephanie.

Hey, don't worry about coming between
Stephanie and me.

I'm very mature for my age.

She's much too young.

Yeah, I think I know the feeling.

You were just a couple of years older.
Yeah? You'd be big enough to hit.

Wow, that's heavy.

Heavy? Hey,

hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What in the hell is going on in this
here kitchen?

Get out. Oh, come on, Billy.

Get out.

You're beautiful when you're angry. Oh,
get a new line, kid. I just heard the

dude saying that to Gabby Hayes.

Get out.

Get out. And don't come back, Pilgrim,
because my nieces don't want to see no

more boys around here, never.

What a fresh kid that was.

Why would he be doing a thing like that
to you, Billy? God, you're practically

an older woman.

You don't think I wanted that kid to
kiss me, do you? Oh, no. Oh, jeez. I

hope not.

I mean, he grabbed me.

It's a good thing we didn't let him get
to Stephanie. She wouldn't know how to

handle a little mover like that. Oh,
jeez. I keep telling you this and you

won't pay no attention to me. All boys
is animals. You got to keep them away

from you. And there's only one way to
keep them away from you.

How?

Keep them away from you.

It's just as simple as that.

And that's what you got to tell Steffi.

Me?

Yes, you.

Geez, I'm a man. I can't talk about...
You know, it's one of them women's

subjectives there.

Eric should have been here by now.

Maybe he had an accident.

Good idea.

Now, listen.

Billy wants to have a talk with you
about something.

that happened here. You want to talk to
her, don't you, Billy? Yes, you do.

All right, the two of you, just sit down
here and have that little talk. See, I

want to go out and finish watching my
picture. Geez, I'm missing all the good

parts.

Talk to me about what?

Well, Eric left.

Left?

You mean he was here?

Yeah. Why don't you sit down, Stephanie?

What happened?

Why did he leave?

If you sit down, I'll... Uncle Archie
stayed here. Did he throw him out?

Stephanie. Why does he do these things?
No, listen, Stephanie. I'm never going

to talk to him again as long as I live.
Stephanie, wait. Why do you do these

things? Now, wait a minute. I ain't
going to take the rap for this. I did

not throw that kid out of here. She done
that. I mean, after all, he wasn't

trying to kiss me.

What are you talking about?

Well, well, I... Didn't you tell him
about it out there? I thought you was

going to talk to him.

Not that it was anything important. It's
just that the kid got himself all

excited over Billy there, and he busted
his leash.

How could you kiss him when you know how
I feel about him?

Steph, I didn't kiss him.

He came on to me.

Eric wouldn't do that.

Oh, I knew you liked him from the minute
you saw him. I saw the way you looked at

him in the restaurant.

How did you look at him?

I don't believe that.

I don't want you sleeping in my room
anymore.

Oh, now, wait a minute there. Where else
is she supposed to sleep? Now, look at

this. The whole evening is shot.

I thought you was out there explaining
the whole thing. I mean, whatever you

said, I don't know, but couldn't you
maybe use a little way called tack?

I mean, kids at this age, they get very
high strung. Don't you know that?

Archie, just watch your movie.

Yeah, well, that's all I want to do is
just watch the movie here.

God, and look at this.

Ah, well, I ain't gonna worry about it.

It'll all blow over.

Just take it from me. I know what I'm
talking about.

Now, this is awful.

I'm taking just a little bit of shame.

For what?

For making your cousin Billy spend all
night on accounts.

It's better than having a traitor in
your room.

Come on, will you? Billy ain't no
traitor. What are you talking about?

This is all so stupid. Can't we forget
it?

I'll never forget.

She stole my Eric.

What are you doing about your Eric? What
do you want him for? He's nothing but a

little savage.

He is not.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I seen him.

Going for her with his kisses there.

The two lips of him like magnets.

Well, I read in science that magnets can
only attract objects that are

compatible. Oh, what an awful name to
call your little cousin if there's the

one thing Billy ain't that's compatible.

Now, I want you to go in there and call
her nicely for her breakfast.

No. What?

I don't want to go near her.

Well, I don't want no...

in this house.

Do what I tell you. Go in there and wake
her up very sweetly and quietly and call

her for her breakfast. Now you do that.
Now you obey me.

Do that.

Billy.

Time for you to get up.

Get over here.

That wasn't very nice.

Now stop all of this violence here. I
hate violence. Any more violence, I'm

going to beat somebody up.

Now let's sit down and talk this thing
over like human beings here.

Now you go way over there, you go way
over there.

really being such a baby about this.
Baby?

How would she feel if someone she
trusted... Now, just a minute. Just a

minute.

I happen to be the only living
eyewitness to this whole thing here.

I know what happened.

Now, will you just let me very quickly,
it'll take me a second, explain?

Explain. Please do.

It all started when I'm sitting over in
my chair watching the movies.

Duke Wayne is about to save Gabby Hayes
from the rustlers.

Around that time, the doorbell rung.
Now, Billy goes to the door, she opens

the door, and she lets in your little
friend, what's his name? Eric.

Whatever.

All right, so he comes into the room.

These two were talking back and forth,
and then, for some reason, Billy takes

him out to the kitchen.

Archie, don't help me.

Will you let me finish half, please?

Now, I go back to watching the pictures.
She's sitting in my chair, and then

comes a commercial, you know, the one
with the knife cutting through the brick

there.

So, I get up, and I go into the kitchen
for a beer.

And?

And I see your little boyfriend there
going for Billy.

Why? Why?

Honey, nobody knows why boys do things
like that, you know? Sometimes they get

too close to girls. Did you let him get
too close to you?

She said he looked cute up close.

Oh, well, see, that's what you've done
wrong.

Oh, my God.

I knew you were coming on to him, Billy.

Oh, sure I was.

And as soon as his mom lets him stay out
past 10 o'clock, we're gonna go steady.

I wish you'd never have come here.

Well, I don't have to stay.

Oh, Billy, Billy, what are you telling
me here?

Well, you have just made your little
cousin leave home.

Ain't that nice? And we'll never see her
again.

Well, I don't know what to do.

At my wits' end here, I'm trying to make
peace, but I guess it's going to take a

bigger genius than me here.

You need a peacemaker in this house that
will scare you into making peace.

Maybe somebody like our beloved
Secretary of State, Alexander Scotch.

Well, all I know is that none of this
would have happened if you was where you

belong this morning, which is in school.

It's Saturday.

Oh.

Gee, Saturday. That's right. I got to
open up the saloon.

Well, I can't stay no more.

And if you want to go on fighting, then
go on fighting. I can't help it. Gee,

fight it out to the death.

I just hope that when I get back...

Whoever is left here will have a little
bite of lunch for me.

Well, how you doing?

Hello. Ah, jeez.

You and Billy talk to each other, yes?

No. Oh, come on, kid. How long are you
going to keep this up?

Forever.

Well, you're young, you know. That may
be okay for you, but I don't think I can

wait that long.

And what are we going to do?

We're going to eat lunch.

I made a vegetarian special for a
change. I hate vegetarian.

You eat too much beef.

Hey, don't you know that the good Lord
intended us to eat a lot of beef there,

huh? That's why he made cows run slow
and he give them bum teeth so they

couldn't defend themselves from us.

Ah, there's a rapping on the door.

Never fails. To me, you get food on the
table, there's a rapping on the door.

I hope it's a friend of mine. I told him
to get the hell out of here.

Nobody.

Oh, hey, hey, there's that kid there.
What's his name? Running down the

street.

Eric? Yeah, yeah.

Over here, look.

See, there he goes.

Hey, and there's flowers.

Oh, well, I'm going to need more of an
apology than that. They're for me.

Yeah? To the prettiest girl in Queens,
I'm sorry about what happened. Please

forgive me. I love you, Billy.

Billy.

What a creep.

Oh, gee whiz. Oh.

Listen, don't cry, honey. You don't want
to do that.

I feel so stupid.

I hate him.

I hate me.

No, no, no. That ain't no good. You
don't want to hate nobody. That don't do

no good. What are we going to do now?

Nobody knows.

Listen, honey, these human tragedies,
they always bring on a terrible thirst

in me. You don't mind if I run out to
the kitchen and get myself a beer? Do

something.

I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke
to me again.

I understand.

Honestly, it's okay.

Why do I think he liked me?

Because that's what you wanted to think.

You want me to throw those away?

No.

Let's keep them.

They're nice.

Well, what do we do?

Nothing.