All language subtitles for My.Fellow.Americans.1996.1080p.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-QOQ_track3_[eng]

MAN: It has been described
as one of the most vicious

presidential races in the
history of American politics.

And one of the closest.

The Republican
nominee,

Senator
Russell P. Kramer
of Ohio,

is practically dead even
in the polls with his
bitter rival,

Democratic Governor
Matt Douglas of Indiana.

To say there is
no love lost
between these two candidates

is a gross understatement.

And yet, tonight,
in spite of their almost
overwhelming

distaste for each other,

one of these men will
have to salute the other

as the next President
of the United States.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING,
MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

Thank you!

Thank you!
God bless you!

What was once a dream
is now a reality.

WOMAN: We love you!

You know, I've always said

that our dreams
are like our children.

They need encouragement
and support to grow.

They must be nurtured
and sheltered

but allowed to run free.

We are here to help your dream
become real, America.

And I'm confident
that we'll be here

for a long, long time to come!

(CHEERING)

And so it appears the American
people have spoken.

(BOOING)

A few minutes ago,

I congratulated
Governor Douglas
on his victory.

We fought bravely,
but the time has come for us

to stand behind
our new president

and put aside
any feelings of ill will,

rancor,

hostility,

and serious doubts
about this man's ability
to lead a nation...

That I hope none of us feels.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING,
MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

(FIREWORKS POPPING)

A funny thing happened on
the way to the office tonight.

I got elected president
of the United States!

(CHEERING)

A funny thing happened on the
way to the hotel tonight.

(BOOING)

No, the people have spoken.

Maybe we don't agree
with their decision...

How are you?
Congratulations.

What a night!

I think it's time, sir.

Well, all right, then.
How about it?

Shall we greet the nation,
Mr. Vice president elect?

I guess so. But are we sure
it's official, sir?

Ted, President Douglas
just conceded.

I'd say that's a pretty
damn good sign.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh. Yeah.

Let's go.
Yep.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

(CROWD CHANTING) HANEY!

I have always believed
that dreams are like children.

They need encouragement
and support to grow.

But ultimately,
it is perseverance

that will turn a dream
into a reality,

countries into world powers,

and your own Hiroshi Ashino

into Matsamuda's insurance
underwriter of the year.

(SINGING "YOU'RE IN THE MONEY"
IN JAPANESE)

Congrats.

What the hell?

(CHEERING)

Jesus Christ.

The damn thing
just grabbed me.

What the hell am I
supposed to do, knock it down?

You handled it very well, sir.
Oh, you think so,
Caldwell?

Well, tomorrow morning there's
going to be a picture of me
dancing with a giant dog

in every newspaper
on this planet.

I believe it was
a panda, sir.
The dark fur around the eyes.

Why a Japanese company
would choose--

I don't care.

Did Jefferson dance
with a bear? Did Lincoln?

Did Reagan fox trot
with a friggin' panda?
I could check, sir.

The point is I was President
of the United States.

I don't dance
with animals.

Yes, sir.
No dancing with animals, sir.

Sir,
message from the President.

Oh, thanks, Jim.
Jim's off today, sir.
I'm Bruce.

Oh, sorry.

You and Jim
look very much alike.

Jim's black, sir.

Yeah.

I know.

But you're both...

Uh, tall.

Aw, damn it, he's sending me
to another funeral.

(CHUCKLING)

I can't believe
I just did it
with Matt Douglas.

You were
the leader of the free world.

My mother has a commemorative
plate with your face on it.

Joanna, you haven't said
anything about my book,

the new draft.
Better?

Well, um...

I'm your editor.

Keep in mind
I'm supposed to be critical.

It, um--
It stinks, right?

No, it doesn't stink.
I would never--

Yeah, it is pretty stinky.
I'm sorry.

It's just you spend
too much of the book

talking about what you
wanted to do and didn't do

instead of what you did.
That's because
I didn't do much.

How's that for honesty?

I believe that's yours.

Look, Joanna,
if the book goes,

if it doesn't go,
I don't really care.

I'm only writing it
'cause, frankly,

I don't know
what else to do.

I'm sure you've got
plenty of options.
Not really.

But I'll tell you one thing,
I'll never be like Kramer.
Running around the country

sucking up every dime
that isn't nailed down.

Now, Jimmy Carter,
there's a class act.

He goes around
building homes for poor people

with his own hands.
That's classy.

Well, you could do that.

Yeah, yeah, maybe.
In a couple of years.

But right now, my attitude is

they didn't vote for me,
let 'em freeze.

That was a little too easy.
You guys are getting soft.

Mr. President, once again,
we really wish you
wouldn't do that.

You put yourself
at great risk, sir.

Oh, yeah, right.
Let me ask you something.

In all the years ex-presidents

have had secret-service
protection,
has there ever been

even one assassination attempt
on any of them?

Uh, no, sir.

I find that sad.

The minute
you're out of office,

they don't care enough about
you to kill you anymore.

People are fickle.

Uh, sir, before we go in,
Chet and I would
really like to know

how you got out
of that bathroom stall

without us seeing.

Why don't you guys
just relax?

Take a night off. Go rent
In the Line of Fire again.

MAN: We'll be at Air Force One
shortly, President Douglas.

DOUGLAS:
I hate these funerals.

It's just awful when another
good Democrat passes on.

I believe the deceased
was a Republican, sir.

Oh. Well, then,
it might not be so bad.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hello, baby.

Daddy's home.

Mr. President.

(SIGHS)

And there's the old seat.

President Douglas.

President Kramer.

Uh-huh.

Well, that covers that.

(WHISTLING TUNE)

Russell, I just have to ask.

Hmm?

When you dance with a panda...

Who leads?

(GROANS)

What,
are you working
on your book?

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.

I find writing
very gratifying. I must.

I've written seven books
on my years at the helm.

You've obviously got
a great knack for fiction.

(GULPS)

And how is Mrs. Douglas?

We're in the middle
of a divorce.

Oh, yeah.
I knew that, didn't I?

I guess
life in the White House

put too much of a strain
on your marriage.

No, it was
being out
of the White House

that Katherine couldn't stand.
Well, gee,
that's funny.

Your being out of the White
House went over so well
with the rest of the country.

Oh, yeah, you want to compare
popularity polls?

Yeah,
let's talk about popularity.

There was only one
assassination attempt on me.

You had three.

Two! The woman in Phoenix
doesn't count!

She only had a starter pistol!

Stop. Just stop.

We're only together
because a man has died.

I think that we can attempt
some semblance
of civility, can't we?

Well, I know I can.

(BUGLE PLAYING TAPS)

You're a whore. Admit it.
Admit you're a big whore.
Go ahead.

Name three women
from the District of Columbia

that you didn't bang
when you were in office.

What am I talking about?
Name one.

Screw you.
Blow me.

(GUNSHOTS FIRE)

KRAMER: When I appointed
general Charles Sherman

to the Joint Chiefs,

I knew that he was
a man with a dream.

And I have always believed
that dreams are like
our children.

(SIGHS)
Buy a new speech, Russell.

That dead general's
the lucky one.

He won't ever have to
hear it again.

Grab me a towel,
would you, Carl?

You know, I don't like
to be interrupted
when I'm on the bike.

What's going on?

Mr. President, I'm afraid
a situation's come up.

The Democrats may have
some damaging information

about Olympia.

Sir...
Olympia?

We've had that buried
for years.
Yes, sir.

But I was thinking,
when all this took place,

Kramer was president.

There's a possibility we could
lay the scandal on him.

Yeah, but he didn't know
anything about
that little deal.

Could always make it appear
that he did.

A little fiddling
with the records,

some judicious rewriting
of history.

Oh, I don't know, Carl.
That's tricky stuff.

You know, you get into
that kind of thing,

you open up
a whole new bag of cats.

My honest opinion,
if this matter isn't taken
care of immediately,

no less than the presidency
is at stake, sir.

Don't worry, sir.

I think I can promise
you this is the last
you'll hear about it.

Hear about what?

Mrs. Sherman has told me that
Charlie had a favorite song.

One that always cheered him
when he was down.

Please, God,
don't let him quote lyrics.

And I can't think
of anything more fitting

than to share with you
the words from that song now.

Oh, Christ.

(SIGHS)

Muskrat Susie...

Muskrat Sam...

Do the jitterbug
out in muskrat land.

And they shimmy.

And Sammy's so skinny.

Oy.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Mr. President, hello.

Kaye!

What a lovely surprise.

And how is my favorite
television news person?

Oh, I'm
your favorite?

I thought Diane Sawyer
was your favorite.

She is. How is she?

(CHUCKLES)

Rumor has it a major scandal
is about to blow.

And it may involve you.

Oh, not me, Kaye.

My nose is clean.

What I'm hearing is
that your last year in office

you took a very generous,
let's call it a fee,

for delivering
a big defense contract.

I'm just looking
for a confirmation on that.

Are you saying
that I took a k--
A kickback?

Excuse me, Matt.
You got a minute?
Sure, Joe.

Looks like Haney's involved
in this Kramer kickback story,

but there's a defense
contractor who's
prepared to say

that Kramer's the guy
he paid off.

Kramer? Then that's that.
Cased closed.

No, it's not. Our sources
tell us that Haney's
shifting the blame.

Word is it was done over lunch
in the Oval Office.

Oh, really?
Just you and the contractor.
Very cozy.

Who is this contractor?

The contractor's
Charlie Reynolds.

Oh, you're kidding.
Charlie?
Charlie.

Now, Mr. President, you
know I would tell you
the name of the contractor

if I was your favorite
television news person,

but since I'm not...

Take care.

Margaret,
did you hear that?

Yeah, I did. It's a crock,
and we both know it.

It's a kick in the balls.
Sorry, sweetheart.

Please, I'm a
politician's wife.
I have a set of my own.

Look, I know you and Charlie
were friends,

but the poor bastard's
in over his head.

Now, you're going
to Washington for that
book convention, right?

I think it would be
a great time for you to stop

and see your old friend
and talk to him.

Yeah, well,
I'd like to help you, Joe,

but I'm not getting involved.

Matt,
if you do this for us,

the party'd
be extremely grateful.

We both know you want another
crack at that Oval Office.

Hold on. I told you I was
thinking about running again.

Just thinking.

Besides, the party wouldn't
back me again. They wouldn't.

Would they?

Of course they would.
I'm the Democratic chairman.

We need your help.

And if you're seriously
considering running again,

you're gonna need ours.

When was this supposed to
have taken place?

It was seven years ago.

I don't understand it.
I mean, why me and why now?

Who stands to benefit
from framing me?

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

the President
of the United States.

I've been thinking
about your offer, Joe.

Not that I'd ever run again,
but do you really think

the party would back me
if I helped out?

(CHUCKLES) It's already
been discussed, Mr. President.

Really?

Now that I think of it,
there is an
extra bonus to this.

Maybe to get
the son of a bitch I hate

and the son of a bitch
I really hate...

I'll do it.

Just get me the name
of that contractor.

You got to dig that up for me,
Caldwell.

I'll get right on it, sir.

Sir, we agreed the zipper
would be in the up position.

It's part of the deal, sir.

I wonder what they'd pay me

if I tattooed their damn logo
across my ass.

I could ask.

Just drive the cart!
Yes.

Yes!

You know,
I've actually thought about
playing professionally.

Ah, well, gee, I don't know
about that, Bill.

I think that the ladies tour

likes their players
to be a little more masculine.

Ah!

(GIGGLES)

Hold this, Russ.

(CROWD GASPING)

Thank you, Russ.
That's for you.

You son of a...

MAN: Ohh!

I'm so sorry,
and I'm so embarrassed,

and I hope that this
doesn't scare you
away from golf

because
it's such a great sport.

I know your people,
the black people,

don't really enjoy the game.

But I think that's because
you can't get
into the nice clubs.

The restricted ones.

And on the other hand,
your people are so good
at so many sports

that maybe it's good
that we white folk

have a sport you guys
are not so good at.

Mr. Vice President, this way.
Is there a problem?

There'll be less of one
if you step this way.
Okay. So long.

Oh, man,
I'm getting a cramp.

Interesting game
we got here.

You're playing pretty tough,
Bill.

Tough enough to win,
I hope.

Yeah. Maybe.

But you never know when
you're gonna get stuck
with a bad lie.

(CROWD GASPS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Watch out. Here comes Douglas
fighting back from behind.

Too little too late.
You're never gonna catch us.

No, but I'm pretty sure
I'll catch one of you.

KRAMER: Yes.

Yes.

Yes, excellent work, Caldwell.
I'll be in touch. Bye-bye.

So what did he find?
It's Charlie Reynolds.

He's the friggin' contractor
who says I took that kickback.

Don't say "frigging," Russ.

If you have to
use the "f" word,
go for the gold.

Now why would he
say such a thing?

I think
he's covering for Haney.

It's Haney's mess, but now
he's shifting the stink to me.

I didn't think
he was that smart.

He learned from the master.

I met Reynolds once.

Haney brought him in to
the office for lunch,
but nothing much happened.

As I remember,

we sat around talking
about golf most of the time.

Now Reynolds is getting ready
to release an affidavit

saying that at that meeting
he was alone with me.

Don't do that with the liquor,
Russ.

It's so George Bush.

Hey, wait a minute.
Yeah, wait a minute.

If the meeting took place
in the Oval Office,

then there has to be a record
of it in the appointment log

naming everybody present.

Well, this is easy.

I send Caldwell down
to the national archives

and get some hard evidence
that I can shove right
in Reynolds' face.

Well done, dear.

Now, before we check out,
do you want me to steal

all the little shampoos
and conditioners?

Oh, God, Margaret.
Come on, now, please.

I already got them.

What do you mean
it's not there?

Sir, I have
the appointment log
right in front of me.

I see your name,
Charles Reynolds' name,

and at the bottom, the word
"Olympia" circled in red.

Sir?

Sir?

KRAMER:
Don't be a moron, Charlie!

You're saying
you offered me a kickback

right there
in the Oval Office,

and I took it?
That's how I remember it, sir.

As I recall,
just the two of us were there.

And you were very pleased
about the deal.

Wait a minute. Just the two of
us? Are you sure about that?

Mr president, I don't
believe we have anything
further to discuss.

Oh, yes. We have lots
to discuss, Chuckie.

How's this for openers,
you and your buddies

tampering with official
documents in the
national archives?

That's gonna be kind of
hard to explain when you
get subpoenaed, isn't it?

I'm sorry, sir.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I'm going to have to stand
by my original statement.

Well, you're gonna
stand alone, buster.

Let's go, Bruce.
It's Jim, sir.

Yeah, yeah.
You're black, you're tall.

Whoop-dee-friggin'-doo.
Let's go.

Mr. Reynolds,
the president is here.

He just left.

No, another one.

Charlie, old buddy.

Matt?

What do you say
we take a walk,

talk about old times.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

I assure you, Matt,

the arrangement was made
with President Kramer

and President Kramer alone.

Charlie, we're friends.
I want to believe you.

But there are people
who say it wasn't that way.

Now, this is turning
into a huge political bomb.

Not that I mind,
'cause when it blows,

my party's going to begin.

Look, Haney, Kramer,
one of them is going down.

Now, the Democrats
can offer you immunity
if you give us a name.

Now, come on, Charlie,
who took the kickback?

Now, please,
tell me it's Kramer.

If it is, I'll give you
a big kiss on the lips.

Tongue, no tongue,
your choice.

REYNOLDS: Carl,
I'm in a very tough spot here.

I know, Charlie, but there's
nothing to worry about.

Just hang tight.

They came to my office
yesterday, Carl.

They came
to my place of business.

Now, look,
I know we have a deal,

but if I knew
this was going
to be happening,

I wouldn't have signed on.

Just be calm
and know that you have

the full power
of the White House behind you.

Okay?
I'll be in touch.

(TELEPHONE CLICKS)

Reynolds sounds shaky.

I better get over there
and give our friend a little
moral support.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Okay, folks. Please step back.
Form a line.

Thank you.
Everyone will get
an autograph.

A cookbook.
He wrote a cookbook!
How dare he?

Well, you know,
when he was president,

he did cook for his
guests all the time.
That's not the point.

Did George Washington
write a book called Your
Wooden Teeth and You?

Did William Howard Taft write
30 Days to a Slimmer Ass?

It's shameful, just shameful!

Mr. President!

Oh, yeah.
It's okay, Chet.

Sir, Mr. Reynolds
would appreciate

you signing this
for his daughter.

Charlie?

Yes, sir.

Be glad to.

There you go.

This will make him very happy.

President Douglas, here's that
turkey and Swiss you ordered.

Uh, just one moment.

Uh, Chet.

Chet, could you...

I didn't order a sandwich.

Yes, sir.

Sandwich boy.

Come with us, sir.

Drop the bag, please.

Hands behind your back.
What did I do?

Do not move.
He said turkey and swiss!

MAN: What's in the bag, son?
A sandwich!

(CROWD MURMURING)

(HORN BLARES)

You made the right choice,
Charlie.

I hope so, Matt.
Get in.

President Douglas!

It's my duty to officially
serve you with this subpoena.

Oh, God!
Did you have to do that?

I've always admired you, sir.

(GROANS)

What the hell?

Aw, my ex-wife.

Damn.

Don't ever get a divorce,
Charlie.

I swear, half the time,

I wish somebody'd
just walk up and shoot me.

Oh, my God!

Hey, what the hell
are you doing here?

Hey, what's going on,
Douglas?

What are you--
Oh, my God.

He's dead.

Oh, my God!
Hey, what the hell--

Shut up, Kramer.
Don't make a scene.

What did you do?
Oh, what did I do?

Right, you caught me.
We got into a huge argument

about your cookbook,
so I plugged him.

You got a problem
with my cookbook?
Kramer!

We are two ex-presidents
of the United States inches
away from a dead man.

This is not a good place
for us to be.

What were you doing
with Reynolds?

You know about Olympia,
don't you?

I know about
the kickback you took.

I didn't take any
damn kickback.

And what business
is it of yours, anyway?

Let's not discuss it here.
Where can we go and talk?

I know. Follow me.

(DOG BARKING)

Douglas, for the last time,

I'm telling you
everything I know,

and I don't have the slightest
clue what the hell Olympia is.

Excuse me, Dad, did you guys
want something to drink?

Fruit juice for me, honey.

I'd kill for a vodka tonic.
I'm sure we can swing that.

I never touch alcohol.
Dulls the senses.

You're so full of shit.

Hi, there.

We're talking big-people talk.

You didn't hear that, did you?

Here, here.
Money. That's for you.

Thanks.

Please don't do that!
Why not?

I'm just showing your grandson
how you got elected.

Grandpa, play with me.

I can't right now, Davey,
but here.

See, you take this
and run along.
Grandpa.

Okay.

Give me the gun.
Now, you go hide.

I'll count down from 100
and then come find you, okay?

Okay!
Skedaddle.

100!

99!

Nine... Okay, where were we?

DOUGLAS: Well, I don't think
you had anything to do

with Charlie's death,
but I'm pretty sure

you're involved
in this mess somehow.

KRAMER: I'm involved?
Well, what about you?

You were the one sitting
in the car next to a dead man.

Well, now you know. I enjoy
spending time with dead men.

You don't believe me?
Go ahead and die.

It will perk me right up.
You...

Daddy, there's someone here
to see you.
Huh?

Good afternoon, sirs.
Colonel Paul Tanner, N.S.A.

President Haney needs to
meet with the both of you
as quickly as possible.

We have transportation
to Camp David on the way.

Yeah, but, Colonel,
how did you find us here?

We know where you are
at all times, sir.

That's our business.

Major, is there a problem?

I don't remember the flight
to Camp David
taking this long.

Mr. President, I'm sorry.
My orders didn't mention
Camp David.

We were told we were going
to Camp David to meet
with President Haney.

Sir, as far as I know,
President Haney's back
at the White House.

Something's wrong.

Oh, swell. Now what?

Haney's back in Washington.

They're taking us
out to the middle of nowhere.

Oh, that duplicitous
little turd.

DOUGLAS: Major,
I want to speak to
the White House immediately.

I'm sorry, sir. I've
been instructed to
maintain radio silence.

Then put this bird
on the ground right now

and that's an order!

Respectfully, sir,
I can't do that.
My orders are classified.

All right, major,
you land this contraption

or I'll blow
your friggin' head off!

(WATER SWISHES)

You gentlemen said you wanted
to maintain radio silence.

Douglas!
What the hell?

You don't shoot a gun off
in a confined area!

Are you trying to
deafen us all?
Just get out of the chopper.

What?
Get out of the chopper!

The crops?

Get out!

What do we do now?

I don't know.
It's our butts if we
let them out of our sight.

If I have to get
a hearing aid after this,

don't be surprised
when I send you the bill.

If I have to listen
to you bitch,

don't be surprised
when I beat you
to death with my shoe!

Oh, yeah? Now what the hell
are they doing?

Get out of here!
Get out!

Go on! Get going!
Shoo! Shoo!

DOUGLAS: Gee,
they're not leaving, Russell.

Maybe if you make
a scary face.

Wait a minute, Einstein.

Do you know we never had
to leave the chopper?

You've got their gun.

We could've made them
take us back to Washington.

Now you figure that out!

Well, as usual, the Republican
comes up with a plan

while the Democrat
just aimlessly wanders
in the woods.

Just shut up
and flag them down.

All right.
Come on down.

Bring it down.

Bring it down!

They're down.

(INSECTS CHIRPING,
ANIMALS HOWLING)

KRAMER: I don't believe this.
It's madness!

And you know what
really gives me the red ass?

DOUGLAS: The red ass?

Haney's behind
the whole thing.

Well, damn it,
he's not gonna
get away with it.

We'll go public.

I'm gonna call Kaye Griffin,
we'll go on TV,

and we'll tell them
about Reynolds' murder

and the helicopter explosion.

Are you crazy?

We can't go public
without evidence!

We'll look like
a couple of morons!

The people will believe us!
Why?

Because we're presidents.

Okay, they won't believe us.

What the hell
are we supposed to do now?
I don't know.

Wilkerson, call Douglas
and Kramer's families,

tell them the presidents
were called away
to an emergency summit.

They will not be reachable,
and we have no
further information.

Unless you find them
in that wreckage,

they're still out there
with about
a three-hour head start.

Put up checkpoints
for 10 square miles
around that crash site.

I want this resolved tonight.

(HOOTING)

I'm hungry.

Give me one of those
tootsie rolls you've got.

(GROANS)

Wait a minute.

There's a half.
You owe me.

I owe you?

What, a penny?

Man, you are
one cheap son of a bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,
I am one cheap
son of a bitch,

and that's exactly
what's gonna
save our backsides.

I had the White House
kitchen staff

track every meal
so I wouldn't go over budget.

They have a complete record of
everything served and to whom.

You're even cheaper
than I thought.

Aw, stow it, sailor.

That log is gonna prove

that Haney was at
that lunch with Reynolds,

and it's not
in the national archives.

It's at my
presidential library in Ohio.

So I'll just call the library
and have them fax the records

to a few key people.

No, you can't call.
Somebody wants us dead.

When they find out we're
not, they're going to
come looking for us.

That means they're gonna be
tapping some phones.

Our home phones,
our office phones.

Yeah, that's right.
Yeah. I don't know.

Well, how are we gonna contact
the library?

It's a nice night
to walk to Ohio.

Walk to Ohio?
We don't even know
what state we're in!

Come on, Grandpa.
What'd you say?

You heard me.

Try to keep up with me,
buster.

(PIANO PLAYS)

Joe Hollis.

Thank you.

Hello, Joe.

Well, Kaye, what an unexpected
and bloodcurdling surprise.

You just know how
to make a girl get all
gooey inside, don't you?

What have you heard
about the Kramer scandal?

Not a word.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
my salad's getting cold.

Kramer's office cancelled all
of his appointments this week.

Seems he's disappeared.

Honey, I have a tough enough
time keeping track of the
Democrats, let alone--

Douglas has dropped
off the planet, too.

What a coincidence.

I tell you what,
If I hear so much as one word,

you'll be the very first
to know, okay?

Come on, Joe.
What's going on here?

Is it possible
that Kramer and Douglas

are in on this together?

(CHUCKLES)

Over their dead bodies.

(GROANS)

How's it going?

(GASPS)

Oh.

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Are you them?

I mean, are you the real guys?

Oh, yeah. We are.

Oh, man!

I think you're awesome.

No fair peaking.

Oh, uh, sorry about that.

I'm just kidding.

I think
you're doing a great job, too.

Nice stance.
That's important.

It's an honor, sir.

I can't shake right now.

I have to keep my hands
on the first penis.

Oh, uh, uh, no problem.

Uh...

It's a pleasure to meet ya!

(LAUGHING)

Ooh, boy!

The first penis?

Actually, I think that's what
I'm gonna call it from now on.

What do you think, blinky?
(ZIPPER ZIPS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

So what's the deal, fellas?

Bobby didn't say nothin'
about no presidents.

Figured I was working
this gig alone.

It don't matter none.

What's your name?
Matt Douglas.

No, sir, but I know who you're
supposed to look like.

What are your real names?

Tom...and, uh,
this is Blinky.

Tom and Blinky.
I'm Francis.

Let's get one thing straight.
No sharing tips.

Once we get on that train,
it's every man for himself
until we pull into Cleveland.

Now, let's rock and roll.

We'll be right there.
Cleveland!

I think we're
out of the woods... Blinky.

You dirty, son of a...

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(ELVIS SINGING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey, everybody.

(CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

(BOOING)

Oh, this is going to be fun.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

It's spooky.
He really looks like him.

Nah, his nose is bigger.

WOMAN: Mister,

have you ever met
the real President Kramer?

Actually, I have.
A great American.

MAN: Give me a break!

Our dreams are like children?
They need to be nurtured.

They need to be supported.
They need to
eat their vegetables.

Prick.

This is so weird.

I shouldn't tell you this,
but a couple of years ago,

I had a thing with
the real President Douglas

at a fourth of July do.
And we did.

How about that.

Stick a fork in the guy.
He's done.

He was president.
He had his four years.

We don't need another
piece-of-crap book from him.

I thought he was
a good president.

MAN: All these old guys, they
want to stay in the game, but
they don't have it anymore.

Lie down, old fella, you're
dead, and you don't know it!

(LAUGHTER)

Hey!
Did you see that?

A muscle spasm.
I've been getting them lately.

I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know what--

They just--
There it goes again.

It just seems to--
It's very embarrassing.

I'd better go
and take my medication.

I hope you don't mind
my asking, but how was he?
Any good?

Well, to tell you the truth,
it was a lot like
his presidency.

There was a lot of talk
leading up to it,

but then he didn't do much.

(GIGGLES)

Excuse me.

Douglas,
this thing stops in Akron,

which isn't far
from Cuyahoga Falls
where my library is.

What's it doing there?
Weren't you born in Cleveland?

Well, yeah, I was,
but Cleveland wouldn't cut me
a decent deal

on the property taxes.

I mean,
moving that house was a bitch,

but the financial benefits
have been fantastic.

(WHISTLE BLOWS, BELL RINGING)

DOUGLAS: I don't think
we're gonna make it to Akron.

Let's start at the front
of the train and move back.

We'll do it quickly,
we'll do it quietly.

Meet us at the next station.

That's where we'll
pull them off. Let's move.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Oh, great!

We're at the end of the line.

(BELL RINGING)

Oh, my God!
How are we gonna do this?

It's simple.
You just jump, tuck, and roll.

It's all hay and grass
out there.

It's the amber waves of grain.

I can't do that.
Of course you can.

You can do it!
Come on!
I can't!

Close your eyes,
count to three.
We'll jump together.

Now, come on. Close them,
Russell! Close them!

All right.

Count one...two...

God that felt good.

(GULPS)
One, two, three!

(BELL RINGING)

(GROANING)

Jesus.

(SIGHS)

Douglas!

Where are you?

Oh, damn it.

Douglas!

DOUGLAS:
Stop yelling, you dick.

Okay.
Where are you?

I'm over here.

Nice amber waves.

I think I got a chunk
of purple mountain's majesty
up my ass.

Here.

Just don't.
Just don't help me.

The last thing I need
is you helping me.

That's fine by me.

Let's go.

(SNIFFS)

Do you smell food?

(SNIFFS)

Ohh!

(DOOR CHIMES)

I'm out of money.
Lend me five bucks
for a burger.

What kind of burger?
Uh, one with bacon.

That's $1.99.

Yeah...

You want $5 to buy
a $1.99 hamburger,

and you're wondering why
the Democrats are in trouble.

Oh, we got company.

(DOOR CHIMES)

Do you know who
those two guys are?
They're presidents.

Cool.

Presidents of what?

Great. Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh, God,
I hope this works.

We don't have
any other choice.

Hi, I'm Matt Douglas.
This is President Kramer.

How do you do?

I'm sure it's a bit
overwhelming for you
to meet us like this,

but we're on
a fact-finding mission

for the interstate commerce
commission. Headed for Ohio?

Yep.

Yeah, well, we have to
ride with you

so we can gain
a personal perspective

on the transportation
capabilities of our
interstate system.

Well, nobody rides for free.
Cost you 50 bucks.

Well,
we don't have any cash.

I'll take your watch.

Well, you must be joking.
That's a constellation.

It was given to me
by Gorbachev.

(SIGHS)

This really steams my clams.

There are only two watches
like that in the entire world.

Reagan has one, and now Shamu
the killer hick has the other.

Will you shut up?
We don't want to piss her off.

The burrito's really great.

Better you eatin' them
than me. I'm dieting.

Really? You don't need to.

What's wrong with you?
I'm obese.
Open your damn eyes.

I don't think you're obese.

You must be one
of those rare gals

who look good carrying
an extra one, two...
Hundred pounds.

What are you saying?
I'm fat. I'm a fat pig.

You know, that's the trouble
with you boys in Washington.

You wouldn't know the plain
truth if it jumped up
and bit you in the butt.

Nice job
not pissing her off.

So, uh, what are we haulin'?

Nothing excitin'.
Farm equipment.

Uh-huh.

I'm gonna have to pull over.

Now, not to worry anybody,
but you might want to
make a run for it.

What the hell is--

Come on, come on, come on.

MAN: Halt!
Stop where you are!

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

This is immigration
and naturalization service.

What?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

(SHOUTING)

Farm equipment?

I knew
that damn broad was trouble!

All I care
is that chopper's not for us.

That chopper's for us.
This is I.N.S. 1-1.

You are interfering
with an official operation.

You must vacate
this area immediately.
Negative I.N.S.

We're in the middle
of a highly classified
N.S.A. Operation.

You are ordered
to leave the area.

Negative.
I will not abort my mission

until I'm given proper
verification
of your authority.

Verification acknowledged.
Have a nice night.

Senores!

Huh?

Down here!

(SHOUTING)

MAN:
Burt, what do you have?

MAN 2: Nothing yet, sir!

Let's face it, Douglas.
We're dead.

(SPANISH ACCENT) No.

They no kill you, senor.
They send you back.

You wait one month
and then you try again.

I try four times already.
I love this country.

Do me a favor, son.
Put el socko in it.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Are you talking about me?
No.

Are you cold?

Si.

Here. Take this.

Oh, no, no, no.
Is okay.

Take it. I could be dead
in a couple of minutes.
I won't need it.

Gracias, senor.

Now you take this.

No, don't worry about it.
No, no, no, take it.

You give to me,
now I give to you.

This help me
get to my new home. America.

Maybe this will help you
get to where you have to go.

Thanks.

Gracias, mi amigo.

(THUNK)

Hey.

Oh, no.
They're coming.
They're coming.

You're crazy!

It is
true!

Everybody in this country
has a gun!

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

There he goes!

My coat.
They think he's me.

Well, he's not,
so he'll be okay.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, hey, by the way...

Let's talk.

Why?
'Cause I'm bored.

I have nothing to say to you.
Well, I have nothing
to say to you.

That doesn't mean
we can't talk.

My parents
proved that conclusively.

(SIGHS)

What do you miss most
about the office?

I don't miss anything.
I don't live in the past.

(SIGHS)

Rita. What about Rita?

Oh, God, Rita.
Yes, I do miss Rita.

Greatest cook
the White House ever had.

The only
cook
the White House ever had.

I think Rita started
with George Washington.

You know,
when I couldn't sleep,

I'd go downstairs,
and she'd make this dessert.

It was a cream puff
with raspberry sauce--

Did you ever have
one of her pizzas?
(GASPS)

It was like a wet dream
with a crust.

A wet dream?

I don't think I need to hear
Russell P. Kramer saying

the words "wet dream"

I'll wake up screaming
every night till I die.

There's nothing wrong
with wet dreams.
Stop!

I had a couple
when I was a kid.

Great. I'll look for that
exhibit in your library.

Just stop!

Okay, I got one.

When you were in
the White House,

who was the person you were
most excited to meet?

Nelson Mandela.
I'm not a reporter.

Ella Fitzgerald.
Ah.

Mandela was a great man,
but he couldn't sing
worth shit.

Joe DiMaggio.

That was a thrill.

What?

Eighty million.

That's how many people
voted against me

the last time out.

That's how many people

didn't trust me,
didn't like me, didn't...

Who knows?

I stayed in bed
for a week and a half

after they voted me out.

Let's stop talking.
We're about to bond.
It'll make me vomit.

Oh, why don't you
go to hell?

Now, that's better.

What time you got?

Screw you!

(CHUCKLES)

Hold it. Hold it.

I think I hear people.

Wayne, slow down.

That bacon doesn't have wings.
It won't fly away.

I want
to get back on the road.

Sweet Jesus.

Good morning!

It's wonderful
to see an American family

out enjoying the natural
splendor of our great country.

President Kramer!
KRAMER: Yes, ma'am.
I'm so pleased to meet you.

Won't you please sit down.
That's all, son.

You can put it at ease.
That's it.

I'm on a fact-finding mission

from the department
of the interior.

Now tell me, do you find
that the rest areas

are conveniently located
and properly maintained?

Oh, um, yes, sir.

Good morning.
President Douglas!

Well, it's been a delight
speaking to you folks.

And don't forget,
these woods are your heritage.

Enjoy them and protect them.
They deserve our respect.

These trees
are like our children.

Get in the damn car!

Bye-bye.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, yeah.
Hey, we're just south
of Galax, Virginia.

In a couple of miles,
we hit 77.

That takes us all the way
directly into Ohio.
We're fine.

Unless we run into trouble.

Which I predict we won't.

(COOING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

If you'd have told us
how important the mission was,

we'd have loaned you the car
straight-out,

no questions asked.
Again, we apologize,

but, you know, those boys from
the department of the interior

can be very secretive.

We're just happy that
you're headed for Cleveland.

That's where we have to
file our report.

Well, we're just happy
to do our part.

Hey, another out-of-state
license plate, Kevin.

We're hoping
to spot all 50 states.

We're gettin' there, too.

Can anybody make that one out?
Looks like a "U."

Utah!
Utah!

No, that's
a U.S. Government plate.

Guy looks like a cop
or something.

Hey, good buddy!

God bless America!
Keep on truckin'!

Hey, hey, now!
Wave, Kevin!

Well, he wasn't too friendly,
now, was he?

Mom! The presidents
are squishin' me!

Isn't this fun?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BABY SCREAMING)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

We're never getting to Ohio.
Not the way this guy drives.

Every 500 feet they stop
to take another damn picture.

The Donner party moved faster.

Aw, shut up.
I'm trying to sleep.

Oh, my God,
he's squeezing
my breast again.

This time,
pretend not to enjoy it.

Aw, shut your cake hole,
Douglas.

Hi.

Hello.

You know, we'd have been fine
outside in the tent,

but thanks for
sharing the bed.

It means a lot.

Oh, sure.

You know, we voted for you.

Oh.

Oh, I-I'm sorry about that,
sir.

We're Republican.

Well,
at least you can admit it.

That's the first step
towards recovery.

(KEVIN GROANING)

I'm hot!

Ahhh!

Any idea how much longer
to Cleveland, Wayne?

I may have to call the boys
in our department and tell
them what time to expect us.

Oh, about eight to 10 hours.

You know, I was thinking,
after we drop you off,

I might take the family
up to the Dakotas
to see Mount Rushmore.

That's one of America's
greatest natural wonders, son.

DOUGLAS: Not really.
It's not a natural wonder.

A man by the name
of Gutzon Borglum carved it.

What? Somebody carved it?

Well,
that ruins the whole thing.

Whoops!
Diaper patrol, Matt!

Looks like
we'll need those
pampers again!

Whoo!

KRAMER: Oh, boy.

Is he healthy?

Dad, who's on Mount Rushmore?

Well, there's Abe Lincoln.
He chopped down
the cherry tree.

And then there's
Franklin Theodore Roosevelt.

He killed him a bear
when he was only three.

DOUGLAS: You got
to be kidding,
right, Wayne?

You got Lincoln
mixed up
with George Washington

and you've got the Roosevelt's
mixed up with Davy Crockett.

Do you have any idea
what you're talking about?

Uh, no disrespect, sir,
but you're in my car.

Well, you're in my
country.

Well, our
country.
Get your facts straight.

How do you expect your son
to respect
the nation's history

if you don't?

That kind of ignorance
is dangerous.

Forget our nation's history.
What about
our nation right now?

Wayne, don't.

No. The country's
fallin' apart. People are
losin' their homes.

They can't find work.
You talk about ignorance.

You're the ignorant ones,
both of you.

Why, you've... You've ignored
the voice of the people.

The voice of the people?

There is no such thing.

You got 240 million voices
all yelling for
something different.

The only thing you all
seem to agree on is you
don't want higher taxes.

The voice of the people,
my fanny.

Pull over, Wayne.

Kevin, honey, run throw this
in the trash for mama, okay?

Okay.

There we go.

Please get out of our car.

Listen, I'm sorry--

No.

We invited you into our home.

Not our car...

Our home.

We lost our jobs

because of your budget cuts,
President Kramer.

And we lost our home

because
of your economic downturn,

President Douglas.

All we have now
is the slim chance of a job

at my uncle's paint factory
in Cleveland.

So I will ask you once again.

Please...

Get out of our car.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

DOUGLAS: Joe, it's me.

Oh, Matt.
Where the hell are you
and what's going on?

I'm with Kramer.
Are you kidding me, Matt?

Haney had Charlie Reynolds
killed,

now they're trying to kill us.

What? Haney?
Well, I'm pretty sure.

He sent Marine One
to pick us up,

and we got out
just before it blew up.
My God.

I didn't want to call anyone,

but you're the only person
I can trust.

Listen, get in touch
with your CIA contacts.

See if they can find out
what the hell
this is all about.

Okay, you got it.

Now for Christ's sake,
keep out of sight.

It's okay.
I think we're in the clear.

I haven't seen any N.S.A.
yet today,

so I'm guessing we lost them.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

They're moving north?

What a coincidence.

So are we.

(GROANING)
Ohh, baby.

Excuse me.

How much
is that piece of pie?

$1.50.

Oh, never mind,
but thank you.

Hey.

Here you go.
It's on the house.

I'm sorry.
I couldn't do that.

I said it was on the house,
old man.

Old man?

Old man.

Okay, let's go.
What's the matter?

I want to
get the hell out of here.

I'm gonna call home,
tell my wife that I'm okay,

and I don't give a damn
if the phone is
tapped.

You do what you want,
but when the N.S.A. shows up,

we'll know who gave us away,
won't we?

Good morning!

How can I--
(GASPS)

Oh, my!

(SQUEALING) Oh, my!

Is this for real?
Is this a joke or what?

No, it's really us.
No. Get out of here!

Get out!

Charlene, what's wrong?

Oh, my God.
BOTH: President Douglas.

And President Kramer...

BOTH: On our shift!

We'd, uh,
like to rent a car.

Oh,
we only got two cars left

because of that
big livestock auction.

Would you like a Hyundai
or a Lexus?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Oh, I'm sorry!

Miss airhead,
at your service.

Okay, now, we'll need to see
some identification, please.

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(TURN SIGNAL CLICKING)

(ALARM, TURN SIGNAL SHUTS OFF)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Well?
What?

I haven't driven myself since
my first year in the house.

Give me a second.

It's like riding a bike.

(WHISTLING
"HAIL TO THE CHIEF")

Will you stop whistling,
please?

I'm trying
to sleep over here.

Sleeping too much
is a sign of depression.

Yeah, well,
you keep whistling,

and I'll put a depression
in your skull.

We've got damn near
eight hours before
we get to the library.

I'm trying to stay alert.
I hate that song.

So do I.
I made up words
to the damn thing.

What?

I made up words
to Hail to the Chief.

I sing them to myself
every time they play it.

I made up words to it,
too.

Yeah? Let me hear yours.
No, you go first.

No, no. You do yours,
then I'll sing mine.

♪ Hail to the chief

♪ He's the chief
and he needs hailing

♪ He is the chief,
so everybody hail like crazy

♪ Hail to... ♪

That's more or less...
Mmm-hmm.

Okay, well, let's hear
your version, Gershwin.

No.

What do you mean no?
I sang mine.

I know.
You're an idiot.

Mr. President,
CNN's set up near the park.

Maybe you should put this on.

Not so fast, Carl.
Slow down.

I don't like people
running faster than I do.
It makes me look poky.

Sorry, sir.

Lakers? I thought
we were solid in Los Angeles?

We were, sir, but then you
cut back on disaster relief.

Too fast again.
Sorry.

I don't want to wear this.
I'm a Houston fan.

Ted!

Hey, a hat.

Kaye Griffin called
this morning.

She's getting ready to report
that Douglas and Kramer
have dropped out of sight

and they're working together
to expose a major cover-up.

I'll look into that
right away.
Well, you better.

I want those idiots found
before they dig any deeper.

What? What are you doing?

I needed a cup of coffee.
Oh, good.

Did you get me one?
No.

You cheap bastard.
I only had 50 cents.

Give me a sip.

Oh, yeah, I'm about to
share my coffee with the
Washington love machine.

No dice.

You could spit in a
petri dish and start a
whole new civilization.

Here,
you want to lick the lid?
Screw you.

Give me that.

Decaf? You pussy!

I gotta go find a john!

Sir, I'm Agent Wilkerson.
We have reason to believe
your life is in danger.

We've been ordered
to transfer you
out of the area.

("MACARENA" PLAYING)

DOUGLAS:
♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

Sir, if you could just
step out of the vehicle.

We'll get you to the--
(GROANS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(TIRES SCREECH,
ENGINE TURNS OVER)

(HORN HONKS)
Hurry up!

Get in!
Did we get collision coverage?

Why?
Oh, nothing.

Look out!
Hold on!

(LAUGHING)

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Jesus! Get it out!

I'm trying!

I can't see!
Get it the hell out!

Go!

Ahh!

Nice going, Mario.

Shut up.

That way.

Oh, not good.

Let's go! Let's go!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Now what?

Just blend in.
Just blend in.

Look! It's the president!

Hi!
Hi!

How are you?

President Kramer?

President Douglas?
How's it going?

This is amazing.

Not really. We march in these
things all the time.
Wow!

(CHEERING)

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

("SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"
PLAYING)

Oh, my Lord & Taylor!
What are you doing here?

Are you coming out?

No, no, no, no. I've always
supported gay rights.

I'm not coming out.
He is.

Closet case. Very sad.

Are you talking about me?
No.

Don't hide who you really are.
Be brave.

Here you go.
It's a freedom-ring necklace.

Wear it with pride.

Watch out.
Come here.

What's wrong, ladies?
I don't think you can
help much, Dorothy,

unless you and your
ruby slippers can get
us to Cuyahoga Falls.

No.

But I have some friends who
might be able to lend a hand.

(BEEPING)

(BUZZER)

You know,
after that bike ride

I think I'm changing
my position on an
important issue.

Yeah?

I think the military
can definitely use
some of those gals.

Now, is this impressive,
or what?

Research room
is down that way.
Uh-huh.

Wait a minute.

Hmm-hmm-hmm.

Oh, my, oh, my.

Uh-huh.

DOUGLAS:
How about this?

Huh? Ha ha.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

KRAMER: Our dreams
are like our children.

Huh?

Don't you fall into the trap.
Democrats are full of crap.

Anything you really like,
I can get it for you at cost.

I feel dirty.

DOUGLAS:
Have you found it yet?

Working on it. Hey,
there's something
you never got.

I was Time
magazine's
"man of the year."

So was Hitler.
Not twice.

Hey! Here it is.

"Chef's log, October 14th,
lunch. Oval office,

"President Kramer
and Charles Reynolds,

"ham and cheese omelets,
$6.95 each."

What the--

Where's Haney?
He isn't here.

They must have
fixed this book, too.

They knew we were coming.

(CREAKING)
Where's your gun?

Oh, I have it...
In my coat.

Get that light.

Hey, great job, Douglas!

Oh, God, it's Ben.

(GROANS)

Hurry up with the ice.

Excuse me. I don't know
my way around "Kramer world."

Lucky for you, Ben,
we came along when we did.

You were in a pretty bad way.

I can't say that I can recall
that ever happening before.

A book just falling off
a shelf like that.

Ben, is there any way someone
could have broken in here

without you knowing?

No, sir.
Not on my shift.

Oh, I just remembered...

A young lady gave me
an envelope for you.

Told me to be sure
you got it.

I think she said she was
a friend from Washington.

Washington?
What the heck is this?

"Dear Mr. President,
my name is Kathleen Taylor.

"I'm Charles Reynolds'
secretary.

"Mr. Reynolds has disappeared.

"I don't know who to turn to.

"The last people he spoke with
were you,

"President Douglas,
and Carl Witnaur."

DOUGLAS: Witnaur?

Haney's chief of staff.
That son of a bitch.

He lives just outside of D.C.
in Chevy Chase.

I was there a couple
months ago
for a dinner he threw.

My God
did he put on a spread.

Those little chicken livers
with the bacon wrapped
around them

and the toothpick,
and the dip for the broccoli--

Could you focus, please?

I'm sorry.
Look, if we left...

If we left now, we could
get there by
early morning, huh?

Ben, we're gonna need
to borrow your car.
Is that okay?

Do I have a choice?
No.

Then it's okay.
Thank you.

(GIGGLES)

Oooh!

Carl!

Oh, ahh!

WITNAUR: Ow, ow, ow, honey,
honey, you're hurting me.

DOUGLAS:
Better her than me, Carl.

This is President Douglas,
I'm with President Kramer,

and that's a gun
pressed against your head.

Well, I'm assuming
that's your head.

(MUMBLING)

This is unbelievable.
How dare you?

KRAMER: Look, Witnaur,
we're gonna ask
this just once.

What is Olympia,
and who is behind it?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Okay.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Matt!
I'm damn glad to see you.

Yeah, well, it's good
to see you, too, Joe.

Joe, we could use
a little help out here.

Wait a minute...

Is that President Kramer
holding a gun

on a naked
guy in a blindfold?

Yeah.

Well, come on in.

Carl, my CIA buddies

were clueless
about what you were up to,

but they gave me something
just for this occasion.

So, my boy,
I hope this goes well.

It's all brand-new to me.

I'm not even sure
about the dosage,

but what do you say
we wing it, huh?

Go to hell.
You don't scare me.
I'm not trying to scare you.

I don't think
we want to see this.

KRAMER:
Enjoy the ride, Witnaur.

(WHISTLING)

(GASPS)

Dang vein.
Keeps wanting to jump around.

Oh, there he is.
You little beggar.

There it is.

Okay! I'll talk!
Okay! Okay!

I'll talk.
I like to talk.

It's amazing.

Look, Haney had to find a way
to spin dry the
kickback money,

that's where Olympia came in.

It was a front company,
that's all.

And again, I never ordered
anyone to kill you.

Yeah, but you did order
the cover-up.

Yes.

The appointment log
at the national archives,

the book in your library,

all that was done
at my request.

DOUGLAS:
What about Charlie Reynolds?

Were you in charge
of taking care of him?

No. I never ordered anyone
to kill Reynolds.

Who said Charlie was dead?

Okay, look, Tanner--

I'm telling you,
it was Tanner.
This guy is out of control.

Oh, that's a lot of bull!

You're saying that you got
a rogue agent turned hit man

in your ranks?
Well, I don't believe it!

You ordered Tanner
to put us on that chopper,

and you pushed the button!

Chopper?

What chopper?

HOLLIS: Looks like Tanner's
been getting his
marching orders

directly from Haney.
DOUGLAS: What do we
do now, Joe?

Well, you got
a couple of options.

You can go
to the White House,

and tell Haney
you know about Olympia.

Of course, to get to him,
you gotta go through Tanner.

Now, Tanner's probably
gonna kill you.

Oh, that's a hell
of an option.
What's the other one?

You got a confession on tape.

Stop running.
Go to the press.

I'll call Kaye,

and by noon Washington will be
up to its knees in Olympia.

Call her?

Yeah.

You're doing the smart thing,
gentlemen.

(SIGHS)

Damn.

Damn!
What?

Oh, if we go public,
there will only be
another cover-up.

Bureaucrats like Witnaur
might pay a price,

but the big fish
is gonna get away.

Are we really willing
to let that happen?

We've done enough already.

Oh, no. No.

No, I've made a career
out of doing enough.

I always did just enough
not to piss anybody off,

'cause a pissed-off somebody
won't vote for you.

That's all
part of the game.
Right.

Well, tell that to Wayne
and Genny and their kids

living in their car.

"I'm sorry things are tough,
but I've been
playing the game."

Well, I can't play it anymore,
Russell.

I'm going to see Haney.
Hold on, Rambo.

Remember what Joe said?
You can't get past Tanner.

I don't care. I'm going.

Well, you're a damn fool.

Yeah.

You're probably right.

But you know something?

Somewhere out there
there's another fool,

some idealistic sucker
who still believes in us.

After all the scandals,
and the party politics,

and all the bull,

there's somebody out there
who still believes
that we care,

that we would do
what we promised to do,

and that's what I'm doing now,
Russell.

I'm doing what I promised.

Preserve,
protect, and defend.

Because if we lose
that idealistic,

gloriously diluted fool out
there, hey, it's all over.

Thank God you never spoke
like this during our debates.

My margin of loss
would have been staggering.

All right.

Let's do it.
Are you sure?

If I can ride 300 miles
at top speed

with my hands on
a lesbian's midsection,
I can handle Tanner.

Now, hold on,
hold on a minute.

If we do get to Haney, how can
we be sure he'll cooperate?

I'm bringing Mr. Witnaur
with us.

Learn from the master.

Gentlemen,
Kaye's on her way over now.

Change of plans, Joe.

Mr. Kramer and Mr. Douglas
are going to Washington.

MAN: Kramer and Douglas
broke into Witnaur's
house last night

and kidnapped him.

And we're just now
hearing about it?

His lady called
the White House operator
in a panic.

They thought it was a prank.
Enough.

We better button-up
the White House.

If they get to the president,
the game's over.

Morning, Rita.
How you doing, Don?

I'd be doing a lot better
if I was getting some of
your blueberry muffins.

Soon as I tend
to the president
I'll see what I can do.

What do you got back here?

Picked up a whole lot
of fresh produce

at the farmer's market
this morning.

Have a peak if you'd like.

That's okay, Rita.

You have a good one.

Thanks, Don.

Rita--
"Have a peak if you'd like"?

You're lucky
I didn't have a stroke.

Wasn't that a little risky,
Rita?

Mr. Presidents,
please, hush up.

As long as you're in my car,
you're produce.

Mr. President.

We're ready, sir.

The ceremony
on the south lawn

honoring the Dutch resistance
during World War II.

Highlight of my day.

Who cares about
the damn Dutch, anyway?

Is Vice President Matthews
going to this thing?

Yes, sir.

Well, let's avoid a possible
embarrassment, shall we?

Remind him that these people
are from the Netherlands,

and not the nether regions.

Oh, and, uh...

Have we heard
from Witnaur yet?

No, Mr. President.
All right. Thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

WOMAN: Gather 'round,
everyone.
The tour's about to begin.

That's it. Come on in. come on
in here in the back. Welcome.

Oh, great.
We can't go that way.

A million people come through
the White House every year.

Better smile. They're gonna
know we're here in 10 seconds.

Come on.
Huh?

Hi, everyone,
you ready for the tour?

What the hell are you doing?
This is the only way
we're gonna get to Haney.

Mr. President,
and Mr. President.

You know, folks,
the tour guides are
the hardest-working people

in the White House,
and, as our way of
saying thank you,

President Kramer and I are
gonna lead your tour
ourselves.

We're what?

The Oval Office.

Oh, hey, yeah! Who knows this
place better than we do, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

Okay, let's go, everybody.
Gather 'round.

Follow your presidents.

Come along.

This is gonna be fun for you.

Sir, they're in.

How?
They used the tour.

Okay,
this is the green room.

It's a room.
It's green.

Hence the name.
Any questions?

Not from me.
Okay, then shall we?

WOMAN: That's it?

Go, go, go.

We grab them as soon as we can
and carry them out tonight.

A lot of people
have seen them here.

The cover still works.
They met here and they took
the chopper to the ceremonies

where the president
was gonna meet them later.

The crash site
is still secure.

All we have to do is adjust
the time of the accident.

It could work.

Call Haney. As soon as
you get them, call me.

We occasionally use this as
a shortcut to the Oval Office.

Let's pick up the pace, eh?

The older folks
are dragging us down.

MAN: We're covering
all of the exits,

there's no way they can
get out of the building.

There they are!

Guest quarters.
Mr. President!

Mr. Presidents,
please unlock the door.

Come on.
That desk belonged to
Thomas Jefferson.

The declaration of
independence could have
been written on that thing.

Well, Tom isn't here to help
me pick it up,
so move your ass!

MAN:
Mr. Presidents, please!

When we think of
the Netherlands,

no doubt most of us
have images
of a tranquil land...

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Yes?

Good.

Secure the room, but do not
move in till I get there.

And, Wilkerson,
call the press.

I found Haney.
He's on the south lawn.

I don't like this at all.

They've had us pinned in here
for 15 minutes.

What the hell are they doing?

Preparing for our funeral.
What?

WOMAN: The report came in just
minutes ago from
the White House.

The helicopter went down
somewhere over

the blue ridge mountains
of North Carolina.

President Kramer
and President Douglas
were reportedly on board.

Search teams
are speeding to the area.

Phone's dead.

What are you doing?

During my years here,
one of the butlers
told me about

a secret door that was
supposed to be in this room.

The Kennedy door he called it.

I think it was just
one of those stories.

Russell, it's over here.

I almost forgot.
Uh-huh.

What are you looking at?

Have you been down to that
farmer's market lately?

It's brutal.

I used this thing for a couple
of midnight rendezvous.

Oh, I'll never forget
this one girl.

She was a stewardess
with Pan Am--

I don't need to hear this.
She was also a contortionist.

Go on.

Later.

Right now
we gotta get to that ceremony.

If we can get ourselves
seen on TV,

then everyone's gonna
know we're not dead
in North Carolina,

and Tanner is out of business.

Break it down.

DOUGLAS: Come on!

Where the hell are they?

Come on.
Hurry up.

Be glad I'm not Gerry Ford.

We'd be lying in a heap
at the bottom of the stairs.

It's been a while,

but I think the way out is
straight down and to the left.

This whole thing is crazy.

You know what I can't figure?

How does a twisted psycho like
Tanner end up in the N.S.A?

I know. Why isn't he in the
postal service
where he belongs?

Oh, great.
"Down and to the left."

Oh, cork it! It's not
the end of the world,
you know?

Hello, sirs.

No need for concern,
it's only me.

The twisted psycho.

We're not gonna have
a long chat.

In fact,
I don't think I could stand

to listen to either one of you
another second.

I'm just gonna kill you.

So, who goes first?

The old man
or the ladies' man?

Nice work, Russell.

Thank you.

I've got to change my shorts
now.

Pennsylvania Avenue
is almost clear, sir.

Ah, here we are.

Oh, hey.
Watch it, watch it.

We're on the north lawn.

We're totally on
the other side
of where we want to be.

Oh, good going, Douglas.

I didn't build
the damn tunnel.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Now what?
Who am I,
fucking MacGyver?

I'm making this up
as I go along.

Over there!

What the--

Hang on, Kramer.

Hold it!
Stop right there!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop! Get off the horse!

Get off the horse!

We can't get any cars
through the block.

You run after them,
I'll cut them off.

Ohh!

When this is over,

promise me we'll come back
and look for my balls.

Stop!

(SCREAMING)

Marksmen, intruders,
north lawn. This is Tanner.

Driving to south gate to
intercept. Shoot to kill.

MAN: This is
Lieutenant Fleming,

we're moving into position
now, sir.

Go, go, go.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Wait. Hold your fire.

That looks like
Presidents Kramer and Douglas.

That's impossible.
The presidents are dead.

Shoot them, damn it!

Repositioning to south side.

...these people came together
bound by love of country

and risked their lives...

Open the gate!

Nice horsy.

Oh, God!

On your command, sir.

I gave you a direct order!
Shoot!

Lieutenant Fleming,
request permission to shoot.

Douglas!

Down!

...this was a struggle
for democracy...

TANNER:
Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

...it was a struggle
for truth...

MAN:
We must fire, sir.

...it was a struggle
between life and death.

(GUNSHOT)

Those are
the presidents.

...and in conclusion,

I'd like to say
that it is our great

pleasure to welcome these
Dutch resistance
fighters here.

KRAMER:
Douglas!

Would somebody
go collect Blinky?

That's fine. That's fine.
Let him come ahead.

Well, what a surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen,
President Matthew Douglas.

Thank you.
Thank you.

We have to talk...
Now.

WITNAUR: Look, Haney
had to find a way to spin dry
the kickback money.

That's where Olympia came in.

Oh, Russell, please, there's
got to be a way around this.

I'll give you
anything you want.
I have money.

I beg your pardon?

Are you honestly saying that
Russell P. Kramer
can be bought?

Shut up, Douglas.
Why should I resign?

I don't know anything
about Reynolds' death
or the chopper crash.

Okay, yes, all right,
I admit, I used the office,

but how is that any different
from what you are doing, Russ?

You know you've made money
from this office.

Two things, bill, one,
I never did anything illegal.

Big difference.

Two,
I never did it for the money.

Oh, come on! Sure you did.

No, no,
you just don't get it.

My books,
my personal appearances,

those are things I do

so the people will know
I'm still here,
so they don't forget me...

And so I can get
just a little taste of...

What it's like to be...

What I was.

(CHUCKLES)

This office has done
a hell of a lot for me,

now I'm gonna do something
for it. Get you out!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse me, sirs.
I'm Agent Kopeck.

Agent in charge of secret
service, White House detail.

I thought you'd like
to meet secret-service
officer Ralph Fleming.

He's the man
who stopped Colonel Tanner.

Thank you, Ralph.
You saved our lives.

It's an honor to meet you,
son.

Actually, sir,
we've met before.

We have? Where?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Ah, ye--

He was, uh...

(CHUCKLING)

And so,
it is with a heavy heart,

and, ironically,
a weak heart, that I resign

from the office of
President of the
United States.

Poor president, Haney.

Oh, don't you worry, Rita,
he's gonna be just fine.

Damn, Rita,
you haven't lost your touch.

Uh-huh.
I miss you, too.

I was finally
getting used to him.

Now I've gotta start
all over again.

President Matthews.

(LAUGHS)

Who would've
ever thought of that.

President Matthews?

There's only one way
that moron was ever
gonna become...

President.

Either Haney would
have to be assassinated,

or he'd have to...

Resign.

...I'm convinced that it's
for the nation's better good,

that I step aside.

Two more minutes,
Mr. President.

Thank you, Bill.
I'll be ready.

Ted, we need to talk
and right now.

Will you excuse us a minute,
Pete?

Yes, sir.
So, what's up?

We've figured it out.

You'll never
get away with it.

I already did.

Chief Justice Renquist
just swore me in.

I'm about to go on television
in front of the nation

to reluctantly
accept my charge.

You're the one,
you sent Tanner to kill us.

We investigate Olympia,
wind up dead,
it all gets tied to Haney,

either way he goes down,
and you're in.

You're right.

There've been a couple
of unfortunate deaths,

but they can be blamed
on the late Colonel Tanner.

I guess I won't have
to appoint him to the
Joint Chiefs after all.

How do you explain
us being here?

Aren't we both dead
in a helicopter crash?

Oh, your chopper
definitely went down,

but we are so thankful it
turned out you weren't aboard.

Press secretary's
already issued a statement

apologizing for any confusion.

Thirty seconds, sir.

Thank you, Bill.

Well, gentlemen,
if you ask me,

this whole thing's
been a real coup.

Funny thing, isn't it?

Everyone thinks
I'm this idiot,

but nobody knows
it was all just
a big "fa-cade."

Who's the idiot now?

Hello, Mr. President.
Good to see you.

Welcome home, sir.

Well, I guess
that's all she wrote.

Russell, you want to know
what gives me the red ass?

What?

He damn near
got away with it.

What do you mean
"damn near"?

You got the whole conversation
on tape?

I learned from the master.

The only problem is if I drop
this off at CNN
on my way home,

and Matthews
gets thrown out of office,

according
to the 25th amendment,

the speaker of the house
will become president.

Oh, God, anybody but him.

Tell me about it. But,
I guess we have
no other choice.

We did everything we could.
Yeah.

I'm gonna go home,
kiss my wife,

take a shower,
and go to bed for a month.

Sounds good.

You know something?
I gotta tell you,

after going through
this whole thing,

I've realized
I really don't like you.

No kidding.

But that isn't exactly
what I wanted to say.

It, the thing is,
I don't like you, but...

I think I'm gonna,

you know, miss you.

(CHUCKLES)

If we hadn't spent
the last 30 years

hating each other's guts,
we might have been friends.

I think I'll stop there,

because I feel the goat-cheese
pizza backing up on me.

You take care of yourself.

And, uh...
Don't jump off any trains.

I was pushed.

Same difference.

Hey, Russell.
Yeah?

♪ Hail to the chief

♪ If you don't,
I'll have to kill you

♪ I am the chief

♪ So you'd better watch
your step, you bastards ♪

We're even.

I was briefed
about what happened, sir.

It's amazing
what you went through.

Yes, I guess it was.

Well, now you can go
home to Cleveland for
a well-deserved rest.

Oh, yes.

When it comes time
for a rest,

there's no place
like Cleveland.

This must've been
a very difficult
experience for you, sir.

DOUGLAS:
Yeah. It was pretty bad.

On some level,
I enjoyed it.

It was just nice
to do something
and have a goal again.

I think it was a great service
you did for your country, sir.

Most people in that situation,
they would have given up.

You and President Kramer,
you did everything you could.

I'm proud to be
attached to you, sir.

No, Chet, you're wrong.

We didn't do
everything we could.

NEWMAN: Nine months after
he took the oath of office,

former president
and convicted felon
Ted Matthews

today began
serving his sentence

at a federal prison
in Stafford, Virginia.

But unlike other political
scandals of the past,

this one has spawned
an unusual coupling.

For that story,
we take you

to correspondent Kaye Griffin
in California.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GRIFFIN: Two of America's
biggest political rivals

are making history.

Running on the same ticket
as independents

are ex-presidents
Kramer and Douglas.

You know,
I come to this country
with those fellows.

However, we have yet to hear

who will be running
as president,

and who as vice president.

I'm not ashamed to say it,
I slept with both those guys.

My love.

Any words of wisdom
for the candidate?
Of course.

Don't make a friggin' fool
of yourself.

Margaret, please,

if you're gonna
use the f-word,
go for the gold.

DOUGLAS: Excuse us, Margaret.

Are you ready to face
the voting public?

Let's do it.
All right.

I'll make the announcement,
then I'll introduce you.

To keep things straight,
you're saying I'm
gonna be president,

and you're gonna
be vice president.

Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

After everything
we went through together,

you still don't trust me?
I trust you.

Well, thank you.
Just as you trust me.

I think I'll make
the announcement.

I thought we agreed
that I would do it.

Will you let go of me?

I'm not letting go.
I'm not letting go, either.

Get out of my way,
old man.

No way, sleazebag.

How are you?

Hey! Money.

Will you--
Did you drop that?

Yeah. That's mine.

My fellow Americans--

You son of a--