Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:19,346
Hey, Mom. What you doing?
2
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:23,584
I'm looking through the Valentines I've
gotten from your father over the years.
3
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:26,921
He was really
quite the romantic in his day.
4
00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:31,625
"I like coffee
I like tea
5
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:34,061
I like you
I like me"
6
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,268
He was really stuck on us.
7
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,673
Oh, here's something
you don't see every day.
8
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:48,742
What? A Valentine's for Bud?
9
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,113
-Yes.
-Oh, wow.
10
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,115
It's never even been opened.
11
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,518
Well, hold it up to the light.
See who it's from.
12
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,520
Oh, good idea.
13
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,131
"Bernice Winchester."
14
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:15,135
I remember this. Bernice gave it to me
and I was supposed to give it to Bud.
15
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,305
-When?
-Six years ago.
16
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:23,244
Well, you can just give it to him today,
unless he's gotten some new ones.
17
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:26,780
Well, we'll know soon. I think
I hear him checking the mailbox now.
18
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,649
Damn you!
19
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,385
Damn you all!
20
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:34,722
Damn the whole damned world!
21
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,057
I'll give it to him today.
22
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,770
I take it there's no mail.
23
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,907
Well, actually,
you got a Valentine's Day card.
24
00:02:53,107 --> 00:02:54,575
Yeah, right.
25
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,945
Bud, there really
is a card here for you.
26
00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:00,614
Really, Mommy? Really?
27
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,685
It's not another one from Grandma?
28
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,489
Or Buck?
29
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,527
What? Dinner?
30
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:16,297
No? Okay.
31
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,433
Before you open it,
there's something I should tell you.
32
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,404
Now, I was supposed to give this
to you six years ago, but I forgot.
33
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,340
Well, because quite frankly,
you repulsed me.
34
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,210
Come on, it's just a stupid
Valentine's card.
35
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,047
It's not like you missed
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
36
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:36,650
"Dearest Bud, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
37
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:44,725
My parents won't be home tonight
and I need you more than anything.
38
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,634
Please don't stand me up.
It would destroy me.
39
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,836
Love, Bernice Winchester."
40
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,139
Kelly...
41
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,476
...do you know
who Bernice Winchester is?
42
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:07,181
Yeah. She's a girl we went
to school with who liked you...
43
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:10,551
...and coincidentally got kicked
in the head a lot during soccer.
44
00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:15,089
Not quite, Miss Festival Seating.
45
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:22,596
For your information, Bernice
Winchester is now Crystal Brooks.
46
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,798
Crystal Brooks the pop star?
47
00:04:24,999 --> 00:04:26,567
And she likes our Bud?
48
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:32,006
I mean, of course she likes our Bud.
49
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,975
Who wouldn't? Bud sizzles.
50
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,912
Well, I'm gonna find Crystal.
51
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,915
I'm gonna find her
and tell her I never got her card.
52
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:50,457
Peg, something weird's going on.
Daughters are going wild...
53
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:54,828
...men are openly weeping and women
are storing chocolate in their cheeks.
54
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,097
Is it winter?
55
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,734
Al, do you know
what day it is today?
56
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:05,072
Well, sure I do.
It's-- It's our anniversary.
57
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:10,277
It's Valentine's Day.
I take it you got me nothing.
58
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,780
Come on, Peg,
I knew it was Valentine's Day.
59
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:16,116
I got you something right here.
60
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,918
I got you this here dollar.
61
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:21,855
Now, this dollar
is a special dollar, Peg...
62
00:05:22,056 --> 00:05:26,927
...because, if you see,
the serial number ends in a...D.
63
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:31,932
D means "Happy Valentine's Day."
64
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,443
"Day," Peg.
65
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:47,181
You stink, Al. Stink.
66
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,651
It's the smell of fear, Peg.
67
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,421
Come on, honey.
You were so romantic in high school.
68
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,123
Why, just look at this.
69
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:02,463
"I love your hooters, I love your ass,
What say we meet after class?"
70
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,738
I was the silver-tongued devil,
wasn't I?
71
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,141
I want you to be like that again.
72
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:17,978
Well, Peg,
I want you to be like that again.
73
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,115
-Oh, never mind.
-What's the matter, Peg?
74
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,417
-I want romance.
-Well, what is romance?
75
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,018
You figure it out.
76
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:26,987
That takes me back
to the honeymoon.
77
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:31,358
Don't tell me what's romantic.
I know what's romantic.
78
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:32,993
Kelly, what's romantic?
79
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:38,165
Daddy, you know. Women like candy
and flowers and cards.
80
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,400
Not with some naked fat chick
on it going:
81
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,736
"I know it's around here somewhere."
82
00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:45,506
I like that one.
83
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:51,545
Daddy, it's Valentine's Day. Women
like men to be sweet and sensitive.
84
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:56,316
Whoa, babe, your knobs look huge.
85
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:01,321
-You ready?
-Yes, and don't call me "babe."
86
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,825
Daddy, this is my Valentine's date,
Mayhem.
87
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,027
Charmed.
88
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,264
Bye.
89
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:21,642
Oh, to be young and free.
90
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:25,279
What the hell?
I'm good-looking and kept.
91
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,881
Oh, Jefferson, you Judas.
92
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,217
You knew the beast of all holidays
was upon us.
93
00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:33,654
Now where can I go
get some Valentine Day crap?
94
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:39,726
Look, Al, it's 7:30 on Valentine's Day.
The malls are picked clean.
95
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,029
-Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
-Hey, Bud.
96
00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:44,331
You tell Kelly
I found Crystal Brooks.
97
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:47,367
She's performing here
and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel.
98
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,803
I'm gonna go see her
and set things straight.
99
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,673
"Ha, ha, witchy woman. Bite me."
100
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,243
Did you get that?
101
00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:59,413
Yeah. He wants Emperor Crystal
to bite him.
102
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,815
Anyway, Al,
here's what you better do.
103
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,917
You better get thee
to the Valentine store.
104
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,886
Good idea.
105
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,866
What's a Valentine store?
106
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:23,437
Well, it's a specialty shop
that caters to rogue husbands like you.
107
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,639
It's a little more expensive.
Their motto is:
108
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:28,809
"You're so desperate,
we don't need a motto."
109
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:33,680
Well, next time you ought to think
and shop ahead like me.
110
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,739
Good day.
Good day, my good man.
111
00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,508
Would you be so kind
as to tell Miss Brooks...
112
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,177
...that Bud Bundy's here at last?
Here at last.
113
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:07,447
Thank God Almighty,
he's here at last.
114
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,988
Well, I see someone's
Hooked-on-Phonics tape...
115
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,757
...was lost in the mail.
116
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,161
No problem.
117
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:27,401
You tell Miss Brooks
that Bud is here...
118
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,404
...and there's a cool nickel in it
for you.
119
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:33,874
Now what do you say?
120
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,267
Hello again, my good man.
121
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,736
I think perhaps you mistook me...
122
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:05,539
...for either one of Miss Brook's
eager young groupies...
123
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,841
...or something made by Wham-O.
124
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:11,211
Now, if you'll notice...
125
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:14,781
...I have here a handwritten card
from our Miss Brooks...
126
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,985
...which should prove beyond a doubt,
not only do I know her...
127
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:21,154
...but at one time
I could have even boinked her.
128
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,526
Now...
129
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,162
...you have three seconds
to announce me.
130
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:32,165
It's Bud Bundy.
131
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:47,414
I have here this last box
of 12 bite-size assorted chocolates.
132
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:52,786
The opening bid is $25.
133
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,821
Get a move on, Omar, it's after 9.
134
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:58,492
In that case, the opening bid is $35.
135
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,528
Thirty-five dollars.
136
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:04,364
-Do I hear 45?
-Forty-five.
137
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:07,434
-Fifty-five.
-Do I hear 65?
138
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,503
Sixty-five.
139
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:13,006
-Seventy-five!
-Do I hear 85?
140
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,408
I'll go--
141
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,249
Sold to the-- Shoe salesman?
142
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:27,788
-Yes.
-For $75.
143
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:32,459
I won! I won!
I bought chocolates for $75. Give me.
144
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,921
Okay, Sasquatch...
145
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,290
...it's checkout time.
146
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:13,066
Oh, good, they sent
a cute one this time.
147
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:15,335
What?
148
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:19,639
Oh, for the love of God, no, no!
149
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,744
Help me!
150
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:38,258
Mommy!
151
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:47,300
Now serving number 2009.
152
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:48,902
That's mine.
153
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:53,140
I'd like one dozen red roses.
154
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:56,943
One bouquet of wallet breakers.
155
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:03,383
Okay, sir,
now, how do you intend to pay?
156
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:06,586
Cash, check or deed to your house?
157
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,555
Do you take blood?
158
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,598
What can I get for 50 bucks?
159
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:35,949
Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.
160
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:45,559
Well, it's about time you got here.
You must walk my Winky.
161
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:50,463
I'm not your bellhop.
You can walk your own Winky.
162
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:54,568
Pay you $50.
Here, Winky. Here, boy.
163
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,481
Whoa, boy!
164
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:10,250
Winky!
165
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,341
This is a good hotel.
166
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,284
Mommy!
167
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,496
Hi there.
168
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,799
It's me. Bud Bundy.
169
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,968
Well, I guess
you don't recognize me...
170
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:12,072
...because I bulked up a little
since the last time you saw me.
171
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,810
Let me refresh your memory.
172
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:20,113
Six years ago,
you sent me a touching Valentine...
173
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,382
...which I never received until today.
174
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:25,719
Now, I know we can never be lovers.
175
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:33,593
Look, if it's any consolation at all,
I would have come over that night...
176
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:39,099
...and we would have made beautiful,
passionate, hot monkey love.
177
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:45,705
Crystal, someone's here to see you.
178
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,147
Hi there.
179
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,916
It's me. Bud Bundy.
180
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,819
-I guess you don't recognize me--
-I heard you, Bud.
181
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,022
That was a long time ago.
I've moved on.
182
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,359
Well, so have I.
183
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,962
There are plenty of women
in my life too.
184
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,999
Just five minutes ago,
I had group sex.
185
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:20,073
Look, I just came to apologize.
186
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,977
I guess there's nothing else to say.
187
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:25,645
Good luck with your career.
188
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,947
I'm going to college myself...
189
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,950
...unlike people
who go to college together.
190
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:33,620
No chance on that lover thing?
191
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:35,989
Sorry.
192
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,194
I guess I'll see you, huh?
193
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,965
Don't bother. I'll throw myself out.
194
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,768
Well, right behind you.
195
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,307
Oh, so what if Al forgot
Valentine's Day?
196
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,844
He's not an elephant. He's a pig.
197
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,914
Besides, Valentine's Day
is degrading.
198
00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:04,451
It's just another commercial holiday
made up by Merlin Olsen...
199
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:08,254
...and the Hershey candy mob
to fatten their wallets on our guilt.
200
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,623
It's just disgusting.
201
00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:15,094
-Is Jefferson getting you anything?
-If he knows what's good for him.
202
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,430
I would have gotten him something...
203
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,899
...but I seem to have misplaced
my credit card.
204
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,138
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
205
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:28,141
Oh, Jefferson.
206
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:32,145
A crystal penguin.
207
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:36,316
-Yeah.
-It's beautiful.
208
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:37,750
Must have cost a fortune.
209
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,887
Hey, price means nothing to me.
210
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:47,560
Say, isn't that your credit card?
211
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:53,500
Why, yes. Oh, this is my lucky day.
212
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:59,272
Let's go home, honey, because I have
a special Valentine treat for you too.
213
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,513
-What's that?
-Well, that all depends...
214
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:10,283
...on whether or not this bird
was charged to my credit card.
215
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:15,455
Marcie, it's not me, it's the voices.
They compel me.
216
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:26,199
Kelly, I thought
you were out with Maytag.
217
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,869
Mayhem. He was my 8:00 date.
218
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:32,906
My real date is Pinworm.
He's picking me up at 11.
219
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,542
Well, if he makes bail.
220
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,811
Happy--
221
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,514
What is it?
222
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,383
Valentine's Day.
223
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:47,520
Valentine's Day.
Here's your--
224
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,789
Here's your candy.
225
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,792
Here's your card.
226
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:58,164
And if you get this in the ground
by spring, here's your flowers.
227
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,937
Bean sprouts.
228
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:07,240
Oh, Al, you're wonderful.
229
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,276
You're a little slice of heaven
yourself.
230
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,946
-Can I go now, Peg?
-Oh, let's go upstairs together.
231
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:15,949
What? No, wait.
We had a deal. No sex.
232
00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,951
-That was on Easter.
-Well, what's this?
233
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,954
-Valentine's.
-Oh, Peg!
234
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,363
Hey, Bud.
235
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,065
What happened with Crystal?
236
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:37,103
Well, I apologized, she understood...
237
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:41,474
...and then her bodyguard Skee-Balled
me the entire length of the building.
238
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:45,445
I did, however,
meet a lovely woman named Rita.
239
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,680
And I learned something.
240
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:52,151
In space, no one really
can hear you scream.
241
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,757
-Good night.
-Bud, I'm really sorry.
242
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:01,828
If anyone gives me a love note for you
again, I promise I'll deliver it. Okay?
243
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,632
You're not saying that
because you know I'll never get one?
244
00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:20,446
-Kelly? I'm Crystal Brooks.
-Oh, hi.
245
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,715
-Is Bud here?
-Yeah, you want me to get him?
246
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,550
No, I've gotta get to my concert.
247
00:21:24,717 --> 00:21:28,488
Howie Mandel opens for me
and the crowd hates it when I'm late.
248
00:21:28,655 --> 00:21:30,757
Would you please
give him this message?
249
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:34,327
Tell him to meet me
at the hotel after the concert.
250
00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:35,828
-Okay.
-Please.
251
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:38,564
-Don't worry. I will.
-If he stands me up this time...
252
00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:40,466
-...he's had it.
-Okay. Bye.
253
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:43,569
-Hey, Bud.
-Yeah?
254
00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:47,407
Whoa, babe,
your butt looks bitching.
255
00:21:52,612 --> 00:21:54,447
-You ready?
-Yeah.
256
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,950
Wait. There's something
I was supposed to do.
257
00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:01,587
Oh, my coat.
258
00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:04,924
I would forget my head
if it wasn't attached to--
259
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:08,661
Well, I forgot what it was attached to.
Let's go.
19574
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof