All language subtitles for Rock.and.Chips.S01E02.Five.Gold.Rings.Xmas.Special.1080p.NF.WEB.DL.DD5.1.x264.qpdb [eng]

# If your sweetheart

# Sends a letter #

Oi, oi, Saveloy.

All right. Come on then, you virgins,
I'll show you how to have a good time.

-Albie, still ugly.
-I know you are, Del.

CRY BY JOHNNY RAY PLAYING

BABY GURGLES

Come on, darling,
let's have a bath.

Oh, that's a bad one of me.

I said to you on the night,

give them your left profile.
Didn't I say that?

You did. And I wish I'd listened

Fred, Jelly.

Season's greetings.
Sorry to have kept you.

Sorry to have kept you.
CHUCKLES

It's like being trapped in
a lift with Bruce Forsyth.

Looking forward to Christmas?

I wish you hadn't asked that, Martin,
because, obviously they're not
looking forward to Christmas,

because they'll be incarcerated
in this living hell called prison.

And there's no turkey this year.
Someone's nicked it.

I don't know what
it is with prisons.

Always seems to
attract the worst kind.

And criminals.

Anyway, you're both down for a
plate of corned beef, I believe.

Oh, we're ex-Royal Navy,
we were brought up on corned beef.

We love it.

I'm really glad to hear that, actually,
because I was feeling a bit guilty.

Well, you know the feeling.

Because I'm really looking forward
to a nice, cosy Christmas at home, me.

Bet your wife ain't.

HE CHUCKLES

DI Thomas's wife died
18 months ago.

-Sorry to hear that.
-Thanks, Fred.

Not to worry.

I didn't really like her.

Tea?

What's that racket
you've put on in there?

It's Johnny Ray.

What do you listen to that poof for?

Don't call him a poof,
he's deaf in one ear.

At least he don't have to
listen to it.

Did you read this in the paper?

They reckon Freddie the Frog's
going away for a good few years

for that robbery in Margate.

Yeah, with his record,
he'll get life.

I thought she'd given you the sack?

Yes, well we bumped into each
other a couple of weeks back,

and decided to give it another go.

Once again, it didn't work.

-Who you talking about,
that Marion sort?
-Yeah.

He's been sniffing around her again.

No, Boycey,
I was not sniffing around her.

It's a thing called love.

Why is it every time you fall
in love, you become suicidal?

Because she don't understand me.
And they say lightning
doesn't strike twice.

I got struck by lightning once,
and I didn't even know.

I said to her, I'm not a bad catch.

I mean, I'm not being vain.
Although, with my looks, I could be.

She had other plans.

I had a dream, and now it's dead.

Yeah, well, let's have
a minute's silence, then.

THEY LAUGH

You see, I was hoping
that after all this time,

your sub conscience would give up
it's little seam of golden memories.

So let's give it
another try, shall we?

Shouldn't a lawyer be present?

Only if you're frightened
of something.

We used to blow up
German battleships,

so you two dribblers couldn't
make us jump in a haunted house.

And it's unconscious.

What?

The cerebral area which locks
memories away. The unconscious.

Does it matter?

Sit down, Martin,
or I will make you cry.

Sit down.

THUNDER RUMBLES

RAIN PATTERS

Have you seen Monet's work?

You'll love it. We'll have
a butcher's at all of them.

Holbein's despair, Van Gogh's
madness, Hogarth's lament.

We'll get up close, we'll see the
genius and fury in every stroke.

And then we'll step back,
and we'll gaze on glory.

- Penny for them?
- Eh?

You were miles away, love.
What were you thinking?

Must have been something nice,
you were smiling.

Oh, um,

I was just thinking
of my friend Reenie,

you know, Reenie Turpin.

Wondering what she's up to.

Ladies and gentlemen, there
will now be a short intermission.

Thank you.

WHISPERING
Raymond! Raymond,
is this thing switched off?

Let me see it...
Yes, it's all right now.

Good, good.

Off you go then,
Miss Turpin and, um...

Oh, oh, oh...

Is that button fastened securely?

Get your hands off me,
Ernie Rayner, you dirty old man.

OVER MICROPHONE
Miss Turpin,
what has come over you?

What's come over her, Mr. Rayner?

I'll tell you what's come over me,
your hands are what's come over me.

You're like a sodding octopus!

Mr. Rayner was simply trying
to adjust your uniform.

Well, if he does it again,
I'll simply adjust his knackers.

Miss Turpin, will you
remember where you are?

This is not some bar in Beirut.

This is the Ritz Cinema, Peckham.

Raymond, she is obviously in the
throes of the menstrual cycle.

I'll wrap a motorcycle round
your head if you don't shut up.

Now get out of my way and let me
sell this chemical crap to the punters.

MUSIC PLAYING

You've got to stop this filthy
habit of wanting to get married.

We know what you're after.
We're all after the same thing.

It's why lots of blokes get married
young, so's they can play mothers
and fathers

and live the rest of their life
regretting it.

That ain't going to
happen to me, that's for sure.

But there is a way of getting what
you want, without getting married.

You know Alberto Balsam,
the car dealer?

He told me the secret.

You see, Derek,
boys and girls are different.

And I know, I'm Spanish.

The girl, she want to get
married and have the babies.

But before the church and the wedding
and the fighting, is the engagement.

Okay? Now, the girl, she doesn't
want to lose her fiance. Why?

Because then no wedding, no babies...

and she's ugly,
so she want to keep him happy.

And how's she going to
keep him happy?

The jiggy-jiggy,
know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying.

It's give and it's take, Derek.

Where I come from in Spain,
us boys, we has this saying.

When the ring go on,
something come off.

Now you know what I'm saying.

What?

You just get engaged to a girl and
she comes across with the goods?

It's give and take, Denzil.

Then a week or so later,
before she starts talking
about lampshades,

you let her see you drunk,
she chucks the ring back at you.

It's easy.
Ask him.

You've had a lark,
you've still got your ring.

Next!

So you've got to sign a hire-purchase
agreement with the jeweller's, every
time you want to get your leg over!

Don't go nowhere near a jeweller's.

Cast your minces on this.

Where'd you get that from?

Remember Abdul Khan from school?

Well, his dad owns the Bermondsey
Wholesale Jewellery Emporium.

A lot of these rich old biddies
are putting their real jewellery
in the bank,

and Mr. Khan makes up
imitations for them.

See, that's not a real diamond,
it's glass.

But it looks real.

What girl's going to know
the difference?

That's illegal.

No, it's not.

Where does it say
you've got to give a girl
a real diamond to get engaged?

In the Bible.

No, it doesn't.
I've read the Bible from start
to finish. I'm very religious.

I bought four of them for a pound.

So who's the unlucky lady, then?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

But you'll so know when I do,
because I won't be sitting in a milk bar

drinking frothy coffee
with a bunch of eunuchs.

You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying.

THEY LAUGH

Good morning.

I trust we slept well?

Talking of sleep...

in bed last night,
I had sort of a dream.

Well, you've been a widower
for 18 months, so don't
feel bad about it.

Most of the blokes in here
are having an affair with
Mrs. Palm and her five daughters.

Reg. Don't kick your dog-ends off the
balcony, the neighbours might see.

And they might buy us
an ashtray for Christmas.

What neighbours?

We're on different floors now,
so none of them talk to me.

I miss our old street.

But no-one talked
to you there, either.

Yeah, but at least
he could see people ignore him.

THEY GIGGLE

I've got a job interview.

-Where's that?
-The Ritz Cinema.

My old job's become available.

I've made arrangements
for a baby-sitter.

But then you've got to pay
her wages out of your wages.

I know, but someone's
got to do something.

Del's the only one bringing money
into this house and officially,
he's still supposed to be at school.

But it's them American records he
sells down the market that feeds us
and pays for the rent and electric.

Yeah, worries me as well.

What happens when he gets caught?

I'm doing nothing illegal.

Nothing illegal! Night on every night
you're out on the town, all dressed
up like a pox doctor's clerk.

He's young
and he's enjoying himself.

Have you seen
that big shed of ours?

Some people call it the garage.

I beg your pardon,
have you seen our "garage"?

It's full up with boxes
of American records.

Yeah and it's called trading.
Because he's a trader.

It's called smuggling,
because he's a smuggler.

Oh, tell him.

Can we do this another time?
I'm supposed to be down the market.

I've got record lovers
waiting for me.

Tell your dad
what you told me.

All right. Fair dos.
I used to get the records off these
American sailors down the docks.

Then I realised that
wasn't completely legal,
so I changed me system.

Ted, will you see to Rodney?

I now deal direct with
the actual American companies.

He's telling the truth,
Reg, I've seen the receipts.

-BABY CRIES
-Don't dip the baby's
dummy in your Guinness.

Well, that's what me and Violet
used to do when Reg was a nipper.

And look what happened.

Oi! And how does a little
toe-rag like you get to talk
to American record companies?

Oh, well, I use this
brilliant new invention they've just
brought out, called "the telephone".

Here you are, you
want to see receipts?

You can read them yourself,
they're from all the big
American companies.

Columbia Records, Nashville.

Motown Records, Detroit.

Sun Records, Memphis.

Reprise Records, Burbank, California.

What can't speak, can't lie.

-Satisfied now?
-I'll see you later.

Bye, darling.

He's as honest as they come,
and he'll be a millionaire one day.

Yeah, but you can bet
your middle finger

he's not bothering with little
things like income tax.

That sort of thing can get
right up a prime minister's nose.

There's a receipt here
from the Inland Revenue,
which says "Tax paid".

Nah, there's something iffy.

He might fool you two,
but not me.

Mr. Thomas, why would we plead
guilty when we're innocent?

Ah! Oh! And that is
the sense of humour

that's going to keep you sane
over the next 15 years in prison.

Right, I'll see you
tomorrow morning.

Same time,
same place, as they say.

We're due to be released.

Our lawyer was applying for
bail first thing this morning.

Yeah, I know.

First thing this morning,
I phoned the magistrate, Mr. Collingwood,

opposed your bail.

I can't release two
old sea dogs like you.

One sniff of the briny
and you'll be sailing off
to God knows where.

So I'm afraid it's jail,
not bail.

Oh, would that be
ex-Commodore Collingwood,
late of the Royal Navy?

Commodore Collingwood,
who presented us with our
commendations for bravery?

Bollocks.

Reggie's got no faith
in young Delboy, has he?

No.

He's suspicious of
everything he says and does.

Yeah.

What's that, love?

It's a John Bull home
printing outfit.

Oh look, says you can print your own
headed notepaper or business cards.

Yeah...
or receipts.

What's that doing there?

Well, either Derek's bought me
a surprise Christmas present,
or he's one lying little git.

-BABY CRIES
-All right, darling, Mummy's here.

Ted, you got any of
that Guinness left?

# Gonna tell Aunt Mary
About Uncle John

# He claimed he has the misery
But he's havin' a lot of fun

# Oh baby, yeah, baby

# Ooh, baby #

Who's there?

Fred?

Wotcha, Don.
Did I wake you?

No, I had to come down,
the juke box was on.

I love this one.

-Don't you?
-Yeah.

What're you doing here, Fred?

Pub's locked up.

You've got an iffy window out
the back, you want to be careful,
anyone could get in.

I helped myself to a drink,
put the money by the till.

There's enough there
for you to join me.

It's way too early for me.

Have a drink with me.

-Well, I...
-Have a drink with me.

Yeah, all right.

Police came to see
you, didn't they, Don?

Yeah. It was all about the beano
to Margate that I organised,

the Jolly Boys outing.

It was DI Thomas.

-You were saying.
-Hmm?

Oh, he wanted a list of all those
travelling on the coach, so
I had to show him it.

-There was nothing I could
do, I had to show him.
-Yes.

And you did the right thing.

But you see, what interests me,

is how did DI Thomas even suspect
me and Jelly were on that coach?

Someone grassed us.

Or just opened their big gob.

And it was someone in this pub.

HORN BEEPS

Now, these records haven't come out
of the docks, and they aren't hooky.

We deal direct with
the American suppliers.

And we've got the receipts
to prove it.

Amita. You all right?

-How are you?
-Yeah, I'm fit
as a lighthouse cat, me.

Do you fancy any of these records?
I get them all straight from America.

I deal with the record companies
myself, personally.

They haven't even been released
in Britain yet.

That pile, over there, that's
dedicated to the cool knights
that died in plane crashes.

There's Buddy Holly, Glenn Miller,
The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens and
many more.

It's a sort of tribute.

Tell you what,

-do you want a record for free?
-Yeah?

Go on, help yourself.
Any of them.

-Not that one.
-Oh.

I'll just take
this Del Shannon one.

Do you want a cup of coffee?

All right then.

-He's got no chance with that Amita.
-Why not?

-Her dad's a vet.
-So?

He's not going to want
his daughter hanging around

with a piece of scrag-end
like Derek Trotter, is he?

BABY CRYING

What do you think's wrong with him?

Judging by the smell from hell,
he's crapped himself. Again.

She said, she was going to send
someone around to look after him.

Couldn't we phone for an ambulance?

Ambulance?
He only needs his nappy changing.

Yeah, but neither of us
has had any training.

And the Labour government has set up
this natural health service.

Yeah, you could be right.
I mean, we're entitled,
aren't we?

We pay our contributions every week.

Well, not us personally, but...

No, no, that's only if you're ill.
He's not ill.

Well, he smells ill.

Beat the crowds and be the first
in your street to own one.

Go on, you know it makes sense.

Trig, you just put
four sugars in there.

Yeah. Gives you energy.

But it's Bovril.

Can't help it if
I've got a sweet tooth, Denzil.

Slater.

All right, fellas?
Freezing, ain't it?

How comes the headmaster's
let you out?

-You an undercover prefect now?
-I'm not a prefect any more.

I'm not at school any more.

I left a few months back.

If you'd have been there, I'd have
invited you to my leaving party.

Oh, we missed out there, lads.

Wonder if anyone
captured it on cine film.

I know you always enjoyed it, Roy.

School doesn't hold a great
attraction for us.

School can't give us bacon rolls
and mugs of hot coffee.

And Del and Jumbo pay us five bob
a day. To act as lookouts.

Knowing you rascals,
I might have guessed you haven't
got a trader's licence.

-Shh!
-Sorry.

These are bargains.

I might get something for me mum.

-Got anything by Shirley Bassey?
-American records only, Roy.

I shouldn't imagine you bother
paying any import tax on them?

They're busy people,
we don't like to bother them.

So you left school.

What are you doing now?

I'm a police cadet.

BABY CRYING

Anyone home?

It's your mum.

What are you doing here?

His wife asked me
to look after my grandson.

And if you don't like it,
Ted Trotter, you can bugger off.

Hello, darling, is she
feeding you all right?

Well, you know.
Can you smell that?

Yeah.

Which one is it coming from?

Will this go down in my file, Sarge,
as my first arrest?

No, it won't. You're a scabby
little cadet and don't forget it.

You keep your nose clean and
pass your exams when you're 19,

we might let you become a proper
copper. Till then, bugger off.

That goes for you two as well.

What? That's it?

Get out of here
before I lock you up for something.

Have you escaped?

I'm out on bail.

-Where's my son?
-He's with the babysitter.

-Is he all right?
-Yeah, he's all right.

-Eight fingers, two thumbs.
-Not on the same hand?

He's a very healthy little boy.

-What did you name him?
-Rodney.

Does Reg know he's not the dad?

Am I in a wheelchair?

So what's been happening since,
you know?

I got the sack from the cinema
in the town once they found out
I was pregnant.

So, how are you getting by?
Is Reg working?

CHUCKLES

He had a job,
but it only lasted a week.

They caught him asleep on duty.

-What was he doing?
-He was a trolley bus driver.

I've got an interview at the Ritz
cinema in a little while,
trying to get my old job back.

What about the baby?

Reg's mum said she'd look after him
while I'm at work.

Violet Trotter? You're letting
Violet Trotter look after my kid?

Violet knows what she's doing.

She brought up a child
of her own, didn't she?

Yes, Reg.

-Find someone else.
-It's the best I can do.

Don't you go giving me orders
and don't you come around here
playing the caring father.

A couple of months from now
you'll be in Pentonville or the
Scrubs for the rest of your life.

The only chance you've got of seeing
your son grow up is if Rodney
becomes a prison warden.

SOBBING

How's your new flat?

It's lovely.

On a clear day
you can almost see a lake.

Do you want any money?

No. Keep your money.

I don't need nothing.

Stay away from me, Fred.

Please.

I'm frightened.

Promise you won't come near me.

All right.

See ya.

Excuse me, miss,
you dropped these.

They fell out your purse.

-Thank you.
-My pleasure.

Oh, and...
Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Merry Christmas.

Don't know what my mum
and dad will say if I have to go to court.

You ain't going to court.
He didn't charge us with anything.

-We'll have to pay a fine.
-We paid our fine.

That sergeant kept our records
and he'll sell them.

So, he ends up with cash on the hip
and we've lost our money.

That's our punishment.

Still, got another 1,000 records
back in the garage.

I forgot about them.

Business as usual then.

-Here's your bus, catch you tonight.
-Yes, see you later, Jumbo.

Glenda, you all right?

-Yeah.
-Want a snout?

Yeah, all right.

Someone told me you were
staying on at school to do these...

GVDs or whatever
they're called.

GCEs. Yeah, my mum and dad said
I've got to learn a foreign language.

Why?

Because they can speak foreign
languages, so I've got to so I can
travel and that sort of thing.

-Oh, right, you been abroad?
-Yeah, didn't like it.

I went on holiday to Holland once,
it was horrible.

You ever been there?

No, I've never been on holiday.

Every Friday night my mum
goes all continental.

Cooks some sort of foreign meal.
Spaghetti and all that.

Hey, can I come round your house
for dinner one night?

Come.

Here I am again like a bad penny.

Mrs. Trotter, how lovely to see you.

Please, sit yourself down, dear.

Lovely.

CLEARS THROAT

Cigarette?

Thank you.

Allow me.

Thank you.

So...

COUGHS

So...

how have you been?

Not too bad, thank you, sir.
And you?

Never better.

Army exercise every morning and
last thing at night. I'm very... fit.

And how's the baby?
What did you call her?

-Rodney.
-Excellent.

Now, regarding your telephone call,
you're looking once again for employment
in the film industry.

No, here.

LAUGHING
Mrs. Trotter, you've lost
none of your sharpness.

Would you care for a Cinzano?

No, thank you.

Right, well, you'll be pleased
to know that your old job as
ice-cream girl is now vacant.

I relieved your friend, Miss Turpin,
from the role last night.

Demoted her to usherette.
She couldn't take the pressure.

So...

So, would you like me to take you
back in your old position?

Thank you, Mr. Rayner.

What can I say to my parents?

This boy I used to know at school
wants to come and have dinner with us?

I mean, they don't know you.
I don't know you.

Let's put that straight then.

-We could start courting.
-Why?

For a lark.

Look, Trotter, I don't know if
you've heard rumours about me
and think I'm easy because I'm not.

They were spread by stupid
schoolboys who I turned down.

Nothing was further from my mind.

I like you for yourself.

But I always hated you.

Yeah, well, that was
when we was younger.

I've always had a good instinct
about people.

-Want to get engaged?
-Engaged?

-All right then.
-Cushty.

Look, I'll be in touch, yeah?

Yeah, see ya. Do you want
to start calling me darling?

No, you're all right.

First, we have to address
the problem of your old uniform.

I'm back to my usual weight.

Weight is one thing, dear,
shape is another.

Yes, I think we're going to have
to make a few minor adjustments.

A vent here, a nip there.
Perhaps a little...

tuck.

You want me to go to the tailor's?

No, not necessary.

My dear mother
is a wonderful seamstress.

She made most of the parachutes
for the liberation of Crete.

Will she come here
or shall I go and see her?

No, no, no, no, I'll make
a note of your various...

measurements and give them
to her with the old uniform.

Now, if you wouldn't mind
standing up, please, Mrs. Trotter.

You're going to measure me?

Saves time and in show-business,
time is money so...

Here we go.

You won't feel a thing.

So that is...
Oh, that is...

is very good.
All right.

Just around here.

Just a little bit here.

All done.

You can start on Friday.
Off you go.

Thank you.

SIGHS

I wish I was you, Liz.

I bet you've got your future
sorted out perfectly.

DOOR LATCHES

You don't bring her in here much
these days. Not that I'm complaining.

She's busy indoors
looking after the baby.

Now, she's just got her old job back
at the cinema.

So, I'll have even more free time.

Well, I hope you're going to
pop around and see me,

I've got a little
Christmas present for you.

Yeah?

I've got a big one for you.

Gracious. Can't take you anywhere.

It's my tea break.

I might pop outside.

I'll just get my coat.

Notice anything
different about me?

-Like what?
-Like Liz...

I could be wearing a bloody gas mask
and no one in this family would notice.

-Mum, what's wrong?
-Nothing.

Leave her, sweetheart.

She's got something the young people
nowadays call, the baby blues.

I had it with your dad.

I was moody and irritable.

Yeah? Does it last long?

36 years so far.

Leave her. She's all right.

I wake up and she's laying
there crying.

Sometimes I hear her crying
in the toilet.

There must be something we can do
to cheer her up.

You haven't told her
the good news yet.

No, I forgot.

Oi, mizzog, I got a bit of good news.

As I was leaving the pub tonight,
one of my contacts came in
and offered me a job.

It's only cleaning, but it's
ten bob a day, three days a week...

And here's the cherry on the cake.

It's all cash in hand.

- What, no tax?
- Lovely.

That will come in really handy, Reg.

You can say that again.

I told him you can start tomorrow.

Oh, yes, Joanie,
that suits you, girl.

Killer diller.

Come in.

Here, I think you'll find
everything's here.

Never had a Mrs. Mop before,
not sure what to get.

Why are you doing this to me?

Doing what to you?

I thought I was being helpful.
These are all labour saving devices.

Of all the women around here, why do
you want me to be your cleaner?

I didn't.

I mentioned to your husband I was
after a charlady, he volunteered you.

You promised
you'd stay away from me.

I haven't come anywhere near you,
Joan. You've come to me.

Yes, only because...

Fred, I want this to end.

I'll get out your way,
you'll be finished in no time.

You know what I mean.

And stop doing all them
psychological things.

You're just like Reg.
You manipulate everything.

Look, we made a mistake,
a big mistake.

It was just a chance meeting and...

I don't know, it got out of hand.

I'm not saying it was your fault.

It's brave of you to take the blame.

It wasn't my fault either.

Neither of us were to blame.

We were both guilty.

I don't know any more.

What I do know is that...

that misjudgement, whatever you want
to call it, is a thing of the past.

I drew a line in the sand
under it ages ago.

Good.

I know you want to see Rodney
and watch him grow up,
but it'll be impossible.

You'll be locked away
somewhere horrible.

I don't want to confuse him.

Maybe one day in the future if Reg,
God forbid, was to pass away

from some terribly painful illness,

then I might tell him
who his real daddy is.

Chuck these in the twin tub,
would you?

Help yourself to tea or coffee.

The kitchen is through there.
Bedroom is...

You know where
the bedroom is. See you.

See ya.

DOOR SHUTS

DOOR OPENS

I've got to disagree
with you on one point.

It was when you said ours was
just a mistake, an error of
judgement, a chance meeting.

It was much more than that.

-The French have a saying.
-Oh, more French stuff.

Yes, more French stuff.

The saying goes
il n'y a pas de hasard.

What's that when it's at home?

It means there's no such thing
as a chance.

Whatever happens, good or bad,
is meant to happen. It's fated.

Look at the day I met you.

I'd driven all the way
from Devon to London.

I stopped at one zebra crossing
and who should be on it? You.

Later that night I went to
the Nags Head for a drink.

I could have gone up west,

but for some reason
I was drawn to that little
South London boozer

and who should be in there? You.

We were meant to meet.

It was destiny, it was written,
it was pre-ordained.

TALKING IN FRENCH
Il n'y a pas de hasard!

And don't ever compare me
to your husband.

I'm the complete opposite to him.

Reg doesn't think about you.
Reg doesn't want you with him all the time

and Reg doesn't love you.

All right?

It's almost 5 o'clock.
I've been at your flat all day.
What excuse can I make?

Say your duties were far more
demanding than you first imagined.

What you were saying earlier
about when we first met,

before I actually spoke to you
that night, I'd heard someone
call you Freddy the Frog,

and I assumed you were French.

That's because I was a frogman
in the navy.

I know, but I thought,
"Ooh, a French bloke! Ooh la la!"

It's that French language. It gets
to you. I love it when you speak it.

Makes me go funny.

Sort of sends me...

SHE SQUEALS

-Teach me French.
-You're pretty good at it already.

If you weren't driving,
I'd knock you out.

Teach me something I can
go home and impress the family with.

They won't know what you're saying.
I mean, Reg is still having
problems with English.

My eldest boy, Derek, is very bright.
He'll pick French up really quickly.

He's a natural.

Come on, teach me something simple.

All right.

-Try this. J'adore...
-Jadore.

No, not "ja". J 'adore...

-Joo-dore.
-Almost, but miles off.

Say it quickly. J 'adore.

J'adore.

Nah, it sounds like
there's a draft. J'adore.

- J'adore.
- Good! J'adore une...

TALKING IN FRENCH
J'adore un soixante-neuf.

Feel all right?

-What's that?
-It's French.

Where did you learn that?

At the flicks.
A Brigitte Bardot film.

-What's it mean?
-I was told it means,
"I am enjoying this dinner."

TALKING IN FRENCH
J'adore un soixante-neuf.

That's brilliant!
Cor, you're really clever.

-Thank you, darling.
-Ah, my mum speaks French.

Wait until I tell the hounds.
Well, I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

I'm off around my fiancee's house.
Don't wait up.

Nice bit of fish.

Vi bought it.

Yeah? It's got more
bones than Highgate Cemetery.

What did he say?

-He's going around where?
-His fiancee's?

That's what he said.

-I forgot me fags.
-Oi, what you talking about, fiancee?

Oh, yeah, I got engaged.

Who to?

What's-her-name. Glenda.
I used to go to school with her.

I'll introduce you to her some time.
She's all right.

Darling, you're too young
to be engaged.

Yeah, well, you were married and
had me by the time you were my age.

There was a war on.

Yeah, well, every bloke's gotta get
engaged some time, so why not now?

I hope he hasn't got her in trouble.

-Del's not that stupid.
-Well, I did with you.

Like I say, Del's not that stupid.

So, what does
your father do for a living, Derek?

Oh, my father doesn't work,
Mr. Wilkins.

He's an invalid.

Oh. Sorry to hear that.

What did he do before
he was invalided?

He went to school.

So what does your mother do?

Oh, my mother works in
the motion picture industry.

Really? What is she?
Make-up artist?

Costume designer?
Something like that?

Yes.

What do you do, Mrs. Wilkins?

Ooh. I teach.

So you're a teacher.

Yes.

Mum teaches French.

French!

Lovely.

What is this, Edna?

It's coq au vin.

Have you ever had coq au vin, Derek?

No, this is the first time,
Mrs. Wilkins.

We discovered it on
one of our visits to France.

It's shit.

It's not shit, Mother.

And please don't use that kind of
language around the dinner table.

Do you like it, Derek?

Oh, yes, it's very continental,
Mrs. Wilkins. Thank you.

It's lovely, Mum.

And speaking for myself,
Mrs. Wilkins, may I say, if I may,

TALKING IN FRENCH
j'adore un soixante-neuf.

I said,

TALKING IN FRENCH
j'adore une soixante-neuf.

We heard you.

We heard you
loud and clear, young man.

This is shit.

No, he's not in.

What's happening?

She wants to know
the ins and outs of a cat's ear hole.

There's someone at the front door,
so shut up, they might be normal.

Come in.

-Everybody, this is Amita.
-Hello.

Amita is Derek's fiancee.

-I thought Del Boy was engaged to...
-To Amita, that's right. Here she is.

Isn't she lovely?

I just thought, I'd pop in
and say hello to you all.

Why?

Because she's engaged to our son.
Darling.

I hope it's not inconvenient.

Del said to just call in
whenever you're passing.

Did he? Well, this is my husband,
Reginald, my father-in-law, Edward,

and his wife, Violet.

Hello.

She looks like
a nice girl, doesn't she, Reg?

What's your name again, darling?

-Amita.
-Anita?

No, Amita.

Are you sure it's not Anita?

-Vi, her name's Amita.
-It sounds like Anita.

It's Hindu.

It's most probably
the Indian version of Anita.

I was named after my grandmother.

-And what was her name?
-Ursula!

What do you think it was?

-Anita.
-Amita.

I don't care.
I'm going down the pub.

Darling.

So, your family are from India?

Oh, yeah, my mum and dad
are from Calcutta originally.

They moved over here
a long time ago.

His brother, George, was in Calcutta.

That was way back in the 1920s.

There was some civil unrest,
and they sent George out to
try and calm things down.

-Oh, what was he, a diplomat?
-Nah, sniper.

SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

-DOOR OPENS
-Do excuse me.

What do you think you're playing at?

You went out earlier to
see your fiancee, Glenda,

and an hour later, another
fiancee turns up called Anita.

-Amita.
-Shut up.

Why have you got engaged
to two girls at the same time?

Oh, I dunno. It's a bit like finding
two lovely apples hanging off

the branch and you think to yourself,
"Which one's juiciest?"

So in the end, you take both.

So these young ladies think this
is love, but you're out scrumping?

-Well, the engagement to Glenda's off.
-Good.

Yeah, her family took
an instant dislike to me.

Well, three cheers for them,
because you're a horrible boy.

Now, you get in there
and you put on a show.

-All right?
-Yeah. Where've you been?

Oh, there and back,
see how long it took.

Ah, look.

They make a lovely couple,
don't they?

Beautiful. Anita's dad's a vet.

Do you ever wear
Indian clothes, Anita?

Only at family gatherings.

She can't wear all them silk dresses

with a force nine gale
blowing up the Thames.

I'm gonna give you
the best Christmas present
you've ever had, darling.

Really? What?

I'm gonna knit you a sari.

I need a drink.

# Happy and glorious

# Long to reign over us

# God save the Queen #

Another year over.

I think I'd better get the afters
while I'm still capable.

Your nan's brought us
home-made Christmas pudding.

Where's my handbag?
There's a lighter in there.

Oh, are you gonna set light to it?

Oh, yeah. You ain't seen it.

Queen don't change, do she?

Nah. Still as beautiful as ever.

No, I mean she wore
that dress last year.

THEY LAUGH

People have been
slung in a cell for less than that.

Oi, make us another snowball,
darling.

Make that your last.

Oh, leave her alone.
She's having fun.

Yeah, and if she gets sick,

looks like someone's chucked
Pancake Day down the khazi.

Oh, shut up. We're about
to eat the Christmas pudding.

LAUGHTER

How many tickets we sol d?

-100?
-Well, 12.

There'll be plenty more paying at
the turnstile, and we can sell them
some of our records as they leave.

Booze, tickets, records,
we'll make ourselves a fortune.

-Happy new year, Jumbo.
-Happy new year, Del Boy.

DOOR SLAMS

Amita.
You're a bit early, sweetheart.

Turn that ring away,
you're blinding me.

Can we talk in private?

Yeah, sure.

My father had an emergency call
last night from a man who's an
important client and family friend.

His dog was being violently sick and
had diarrhoea, so I went with him.

Well, as long as
you enjoyed yourself.

-His name's Mr. Khan.
-That's a funny name for a dog.

He owns the Bermondsey
Wholesale Jewellery Emporium,

and he was really interested in this
engagement ring that you gave me.

He said it wasn't a real diamond.

In fact, it's glass,
and apparently, they make gin bottles
out of better glass than this.

He said a few weeks back, he sold
four of these rings for a pound
to someone called Derek Trotter.

You mean to tell me there's
someone out there impersonating me?

Oh, we both know what this means.

And I've got a good idea
what you were hoping to
gain with this deception.

I'm sorry, Amita.

So am I.
I liked you.

Yeah, well, I liked you.

I just sort of thought that...

I dunno what I was thinking.

Not important now, is it?

-Can I keep the ring?
-Yeah, course.

Is your family in, or have they gone
out for New Year's?

Nah, they're in.
They're going out a bit later. Why?

I just wanted to
say goodbye to them.

See you, Derek.

Happy new...

Thought you'd drawn a line
in the sand under us two.

I did.

When the tide came in,
I forgot where I'd put it.

Will you really be
going back to prison?

Nah.

Police have got no real evidence.

What if the detective
comes up with something?

They always do in the movies.

I'd like you to know the baby, but...

how can I bring him
along on prison visits?

He'll see you behind bars.

What excuse could I make?

Tell him, Daddy lives in a zoo.

-Did you mean
what you said earlier?
-Yeah.

Don't talk.

MUSIC PLAYS

You all right?

Not really.
Amita's given me the sack.

Get engaged to someone else.

No, I'm not doing that anymore, Trig.

It's not the proper
way to treat a girl.

Oh, I don't fancy this party.
I'm going home.

Look at me!

I'm not wearing a bra.

I'm not wearing a vest,
but I'm not bragging about it.

I like you.

DOORBELL RINGS

What do you want?

I want to see my boy.

They're all down the pub.

I know.

I didn't fancy it, anyway.

You're not wearing the ring.

No. It's a bit difficult.

People might ask.

BABY CRIES

Can I pick him up?

Yeah. You don't have to whisper.
He's awake.

BABY WHIMPERS

He's all right, isn't he?

Yeah, he's all right.

And it's definitely Rodney?

Yeah.

All right.

I know we didn't go about things
the right way, you know,

you being married to Reg
and all that, but...

you all right with things?

You?

Yeah, I'm okay.

-He's all right, isn't he?
-Yeah.

He's good.

PEOPLE COUNT DOWN FROM TEN

Two, one!

Happy new year!

THEY SING AULD LANG SYNE

It's New Year's Eve.

I thought you'd be
spending it with friends.

I am.

Happy new year, son.

Son.

Let's dance.

Dance?

Yeah.

New Year's Eve.

Whole world's dancing.

I feel silly.

Go on, then.

Go on.

SLOW MUSIC

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