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1
00:01:14,132 --> 00:01:15,399
Hey, Chicago,
2
00:01:15,433 --> 00:01:17,465
what a day for a daydream.
3
00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:20,833
Show me an unhappy man today,
and I'll show you a--
4
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,865
A shoe salesman, Jim.
5
00:01:32,899 --> 00:01:35,798
Twentieth-century blacksmith,
a working man,
6
00:01:35,832 --> 00:01:37,532
an idiot.
7
00:01:37,566 --> 00:01:40,499
I'll feel better after
I have a nice cup of coffee.
8
00:02:02,666 --> 00:02:05,299
Life is good.
9
00:02:06,932 --> 00:02:08,032
Hi, honey.
10
00:02:08,066 --> 00:02:09,765
Heh-heh.
Did you miss me?
11
00:02:09,799 --> 00:02:12,066
With every bullet so far.
12
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,232
Well,
13
00:02:15,266 --> 00:02:17,998
maybe you need
a bigger gun, sweetheart.
14
00:02:18,032 --> 00:02:21,365
Not that I don't love
your itty-bitty one.
15
00:02:22,466 --> 00:02:24,765
What got you up
before noon, Peg?
16
00:02:24,799 --> 00:02:27,465
Oh, a foul, evil wind.
17
00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:31,599
You were snoring through
your nose, mouth and ears.
18
00:02:31,633 --> 00:02:34,465
But I forgive you
because today is the day
19
00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:38,365
the new fall preview issue
of TV Guide comes out.
20
00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:41,299
Oh, look at it, Al.
It's still warm.
21
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:42,299
Mm-hm.
22
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,465
Well, pass it over
my coffee.
23
00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:46,798
Are you so jaded
that even the new TV season
24
00:02:46,832 --> 00:02:48,399
doesn't get you going?
25
00:02:48,433 --> 00:02:50,265
I mean, look
at these new shows.
26
00:02:50,299 --> 00:02:52,432
"Everything's
Comin' up Maggie.
27
00:02:52,466 --> 00:02:54,632
High jinks ensue
when Maggie-- "
28
00:02:54,666 --> 00:02:56,200
Chastity Bono.
29
00:02:57,466 --> 00:02:59,232
"-- accidentally
becomes vice president
30
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:00,698
of the United States."
31
00:03:00,732 --> 00:03:02,365
Saturdays.
32
00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:04,098
Ooh, and look.
33
00:03:04,132 --> 00:03:05,865
"We Are Family.
34
00:03:05,899 --> 00:03:09,299
A Chinese family
with three children."
35
00:03:10,333 --> 00:03:13,332
Oh. I get it.
36
00:03:13,366 --> 00:03:15,833
We Are Fami-Lee.
37
00:03:18,433 --> 00:03:20,798
Ah, Jesus.
38
00:03:20,832 --> 00:03:23,365
It's here!
It's here!
39
00:03:26,399 --> 00:03:27,865
My high school diploma.
40
00:03:27,899 --> 00:03:29,566
I couldn't wait
for the mailman to come,
41
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,232
so I just took it
out of his truck.
42
00:03:32,266 --> 00:03:35,200
I am a high school graduate.
43
00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:37,532
Read it to me, Mom.
44
00:03:37,566 --> 00:03:40,632
What does it say?
What does it say?
45
00:03:40,666 --> 00:03:43,165
Oh, Al,
isn't this exciting?
46
00:03:43,199 --> 00:03:45,399
Oh, leave me alone.
47
00:03:50,466 --> 00:03:52,698
Good morning,
everybody.
48
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,599
Any chicks call for me
this morning?
49
00:03:55,633 --> 00:03:56,698
Yeah, the, uh,
50
00:03:56,732 --> 00:04:00,399
Malaysian mail-order bride
company called.
51
00:04:00,433 --> 00:04:01,399
No takers.
52
00:04:01,433 --> 00:04:03,165
Apparently,
even poor, hungry women
53
00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:07,066
from the Third World
think they can do better.
54
00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:11,632
Yuck it up,
future welfare mother.
55
00:04:14,199 --> 00:04:16,332
The babes will be
calling aplenty soon.
56
00:04:16,366 --> 00:04:18,066
I'm a senior now.
57
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:21,798
A mover.
A shaker.
58
00:04:21,832 --> 00:04:24,098
I'm the man.
59
00:04:24,132 --> 00:04:26,865
I've got the juice.
60
00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:28,132
Yup.
61
00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:29,265
When I was a freshman,
62
00:04:29,299 --> 00:04:31,765
they flushed my head
down the toilet.
63
00:04:31,799 --> 00:04:33,199
When I was a sophomore,
64
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:35,698
they flushed my head
down the toilet.
65
00:04:35,732 --> 00:04:38,098
When I was a junior,
I was getting cool,
66
00:04:38,132 --> 00:04:40,833
so they let me
flush it myself.
67
00:04:42,433 --> 00:04:46,566
But now, I'm a senior
and ready to rule.
68
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,798
This year, he's back.
69
00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:53,699
He's cool. He's dry.
70
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,399
Until he goes to sleep.
71
00:05:02,266 --> 00:05:05,432
Oh, Al, our little man.
Heh-heh-heh.
72
00:05:05,466 --> 00:05:07,066
Go away.
73
00:05:08,199 --> 00:05:10,365
I'm home!
74
00:05:13,832 --> 00:05:16,566
Marcie,
you don't live here.
75
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:17,965
I know.
76
00:05:17,999 --> 00:05:20,865
No one actually
lives here.
77
00:05:20,899 --> 00:05:24,066
I meant I'm back
from my two weeks' vacation.
78
00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:29,632
You didn't know
I was gone?
79
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,998
So you didn't remember
to air out my house,
80
00:05:36,032 --> 00:05:39,833
or water the plants,
or feed the goldfish?
81
00:05:43,899 --> 00:05:46,666
Oh, well. At least
my life is back on track.
82
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:48,765
I spent my two weeks off
at a seminar:
83
00:05:48,799 --> 00:05:50,798
"You Are What You Were."
84
00:05:50,832 --> 00:05:53,966
So you are a chicken.
85
00:05:56,099 --> 00:05:58,599
With a bad haircut.
86
00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:01,998
You know, that would have
bothered me before,
87
00:06:02,032 --> 00:06:03,299
when I was what I'm not.
88
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,798
But now that I am
what I was,
89
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,499
I was what I am.
90
00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:10,765
Stand back, she's getting ready
to eat spinach,
91
00:06:10,799 --> 00:06:13,599
and then her tattoo
will get all big.
92
00:06:13,633 --> 00:06:18,332
You moron, it's not
I yam what I yam.
93
00:06:18,366 --> 00:06:19,599
That's '80s.
94
00:06:19,633 --> 00:06:21,432
The point is, I'm confident
95
00:06:21,466 --> 00:06:22,432
and renewed.
96
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:23,831
So confident,
in fact,
97
00:06:23,865 --> 00:06:27,698
that I stopped by my bank
and demanded my old job back.
98
00:06:27,732 --> 00:06:31,831
And after 20 minutes of frugging
on my boss' desk in my slip,
99
00:06:31,865 --> 00:06:35,098
while the other tellers
tossed quarters at me,
100
00:06:35,132 --> 00:06:37,666
I am once again
what I was:
101
00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:40,466
a dignified bank manager.
102
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,265
Ah, gee, Al,
isn't this great?
103
00:06:45,299 --> 00:06:47,532
Everybody has the start
of a whole new life,
104
00:06:47,566 --> 00:06:50,466
except for you and the dog.
105
00:07:03,066 --> 00:07:06,731
Well, that all but throws
the dirt in my face.
106
00:07:06,765 --> 00:07:09,132
Everybody,
I have an announcement.
107
00:07:09,166 --> 00:07:10,831
Your happiness
108
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,499
sickens me.
109
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:16,199
Everybody but me
is looking at good times.
110
00:07:16,233 --> 00:07:17,632
But for me,
it's been one
111
00:07:17,666 --> 00:07:20,465
long continuous year
since I got married.
112
00:07:20,499 --> 00:07:22,831
Actually,
one long month.
113
00:07:22,865 --> 00:07:25,098
Helluary.
114
00:07:25,132 --> 00:07:27,199
But I'm not bold enough
to expect happiness.
115
00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,065
I know that wasn't meant
for me.
116
00:07:29,099 --> 00:07:31,499
But what I'd like one time
in my life
117
00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:33,566
is for something new
to happen to me.
118
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,065
Something special.
119
00:07:35,099 --> 00:07:37,032
You're right, honey.
120
00:07:37,066 --> 00:07:38,731
You know what you need?
121
00:07:38,765 --> 00:07:41,200
A good night job.
122
00:07:44,566 --> 00:07:46,265
Is that all I am to you?
123
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,265
An oxen to be worked
in the field
124
00:07:48,299 --> 00:07:50,299
until he drops dead?
125
00:07:50,799 --> 00:07:52,065
Well, gee, honey.
126
00:07:52,099 --> 00:07:54,566
What did you think
you were to us?
127
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,865
Well, perhaps husband,
128
00:07:56,899 --> 00:07:58,499
perhaps father.
129
00:07:58,533 --> 00:08:00,199
Perhaps the man who's
about to run amuck
130
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:03,432
with a meat cleaver
if he doesn't have any fun!
131
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:06,998
Now, family,
I've just made a decision.
132
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:09,499
We're going on a Labor Day
vacation.
133
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:10,499
Oh, no way.
Aw.
Aw.
134
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,733
Shut up.
135
00:08:14,166 --> 00:08:17,499
But, honey, what about
the new TV season?
136
00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,465
I do not want to miss
the special premiere
137
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,065
of Grandmaster
and the Gopher.
138
00:08:22,099 --> 00:08:24,998
"It's an hour drama
with comic overtones
139
00:08:25,032 --> 00:08:27,666
"about a rapper who goes
to the center of the Earth
140
00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,865
and raps
with the mole people."
141
00:08:30,899 --> 00:08:34,599
Oh, and look.
Sally Struthers is the queen.
142
00:08:35,499 --> 00:08:37,166
Oh, Mom.
143
00:08:37,765 --> 00:08:40,032
I am talking
about vacation,
144
00:08:40,066 --> 00:08:42,232
litter of my loins.
145
00:08:43,366 --> 00:08:45,765
Now, I shall tell you
where we will holiday.
146
00:08:45,799 --> 00:08:48,399
We're gonna go where people
pretend they want to go
147
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,898
when they can't afford
to go someplace good.
148
00:08:50,932 --> 00:08:53,232
We're gonna see America.
149
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,532
We take no map,
we'll follow the sun.
150
00:08:55,566 --> 00:08:57,165
We'll stay in cheap motels
151
00:08:57,199 --> 00:09:00,499
and steal what we need
along the way.
152
00:09:00,533 --> 00:09:01,965
We go west,
153
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:04,898
past the cheese factories,
where the air is fresh,
154
00:09:04,932 --> 00:09:06,465
sky is big,
155
00:09:06,499 --> 00:09:10,265
and a man can still kill
his dinner with his car.
156
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:13,898
Guys, tomorrow,
we put the pedal to the metal,
157
00:09:13,932 --> 00:09:17,699
and we ride with the wind.
158
00:09:36,032 --> 00:09:39,599
Gee, Al, uh,
think you could slow down?
159
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:46,098
My hair is just
whipping in the wind.
160
00:09:46,132 --> 00:09:49,032
He's not scaring you,
is he, kids?
161
00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:50,299
Sorry, Mom.
162
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:54,232
I couldn't hear you
over the roar of the engine.
163
00:09:54,266 --> 00:09:56,232
Come on, leave Daddy alone.
164
00:09:56,266 --> 00:09:57,698
I mean, how could
he possibly know
165
00:09:57,732 --> 00:10:01,966
that there would be
a traffic jam on Labor Day?
166
00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:04,299
Shut up.
167
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:08,566
Al, we have not moved
an inch in two hours.
168
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,299
Peg, I can hear
that in our bedroom.
169
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,232
Now, just shut up
and let me enjoy myself.
170
00:10:17,266 --> 00:10:20,766
I could hear that
in our bedroom too, honey.
171
00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:26,798
Ah, I'm not gonna let you
ruin this for me, Peg.
172
00:10:26,832 --> 00:10:30,933
Yep, this is my vacation,
and I'm havin' fun.
173
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,666
I'm lovin' this.
174
00:10:36,566 --> 00:10:38,831
Move! Move!
175
00:10:38,865 --> 00:10:40,865
I can't take anymore.
176
00:10:40,899 --> 00:10:42,798
Oh, God, you're killing me.
177
00:10:42,832 --> 00:10:45,100
Move! Move!
178
00:10:56,666 --> 00:10:58,432
Daddy?
179
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,032
What?
180
00:11:01,066 --> 00:11:03,532
Are we there yet?
181
00:11:05,466 --> 00:11:06,798
If you don't shut up,
182
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:10,098
I'm gonna put the car
in park and just sit here.
183
00:11:10,132 --> 00:11:12,932
Oooh!
184
00:11:12,966 --> 00:11:16,133
Peg, could you control them?
I'm trying to drive.
185
00:11:16,765 --> 00:11:19,432
Will we be back
by next Thursday, honey?
186
00:11:19,466 --> 00:11:20,499
Look.
187
00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:21,632
"Nun of This.
188
00:11:21,666 --> 00:11:24,066
"About a nun
who's had enough.
189
00:11:26,166 --> 00:11:28,632
"Karen Valentine
is Sister Lash.
190
00:11:28,666 --> 00:11:31,332
a nun with a gun."
191
00:11:31,366 --> 00:11:33,432
Enough, woman!
192
00:11:33,466 --> 00:11:35,965
Now, I know what'll take
our minds off this.
193
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,831
How 'bout
a family sing-along?
194
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,032
Well, I don't know, honey.
195
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,299
You sure you can sing
196
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,632
and pay attention to the road
at the same time?
197
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:45,698
Don't make me
pull over, Peg.
198
00:11:45,732 --> 00:11:48,165
Okay. With me.
199
00:11:48,199 --> 00:11:50,765
* Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
200
00:11:50,799 --> 00:11:52,932
* Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
201
00:11:52,966 --> 00:11:54,932
* The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
202
00:11:54,966 --> 00:11:57,098
* And the farmer said
It would do no harm *
203
00:11:57,132 --> 00:11:59,032
* Second verse
Same as the first *
204
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:00,898
* A little bit louder
But a little bit worse *
205
00:12:00,932 --> 00:12:02,332
Everybody.
206
00:12:02,366 --> 00:12:04,865
* Oh, the cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn-- *
207
00:12:04,899 --> 00:12:05,932
Hey!
208
00:12:05,966 --> 00:12:08,499
Would you shut
the hell up!
209
00:12:10,765 --> 00:12:12,666
Are you talking
to me?
210
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:15,165
No. I'm yelling
at you.
211
00:12:15,199 --> 00:12:17,100
Shut the hell up!
212
00:12:17,932 --> 00:12:19,532
* Oh *
213
00:12:19,566 --> 00:12:21,798
* The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly in the barn *
214
00:12:21,832 --> 00:12:23,399
* The cow kicked Nellie
In the belly *
215
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:25,466
* In the barn *
Hey, I said...
216
00:12:26,566 --> 00:12:28,399
shut up!
217
00:12:29,032 --> 00:12:31,731
And if I don't?
218
00:12:31,765 --> 00:12:34,966
Then you'll be gummin'
"The Cow Kicked Nellie."
219
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:39,033
Take the wheel, Peg.
220
00:12:41,266 --> 00:12:42,365
Now, look, pal,
221
00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:44,666
if you want trouble
with me, you--
222
00:12:45,233 --> 00:12:46,232
Honey!
223
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,831
Al!
224
00:12:48,865 --> 00:12:51,465
Honey, we are in the middle
of the expressway.
225
00:12:51,499 --> 00:12:53,532
Yes, Gerry, don't you have
anything better to do
226
00:12:53,566 --> 00:12:56,365
than to pick a fight
with a moron?
227
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,532
Just who are you
calling moron?
228
00:13:00,566 --> 00:13:03,332
Your husband,
you painted huss--
229
00:13:04,666 --> 00:13:05,666
Fight!
230
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,899
Whoo! Yeah!
231
00:13:23,166 --> 00:13:24,432
Gerry!
232
00:13:24,466 --> 00:13:26,833
Gerry! Gerry!
233
00:13:29,865 --> 00:13:30,865
Al!
234
00:13:30,899 --> 00:13:32,966
We're moving!
235
00:13:34,132 --> 00:13:36,833
Come on, honey.
Let's go.
236
00:13:40,799 --> 00:13:42,866
Here we go.
237
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,666
Is that it?
238
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,765
Yeah.
239
00:13:55,799 --> 00:13:57,332
Let's go.
240
00:13:58,266 --> 00:13:59,932
Honey, I'm just gonna
reason with him.
241
00:13:59,966 --> 00:14:02,966
After all, we're human beings,
right? We're not animals--
242
00:14:22,466 --> 00:14:24,365
Oh, please.
243
00:14:24,399 --> 00:14:26,566
What's wrong
with you people?
244
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,432
All right, so I made
a teeny little mistake
245
00:14:28,466 --> 00:14:30,731
actually leaving
on Labor Day, but it's done.
246
00:14:30,765 --> 00:14:33,299
We're in hell,
let's enjoy it.
247
00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:36,032
It's our vacation,
for God's sake.
248
00:14:36,066 --> 00:14:37,998
Just look around.
249
00:14:38,032 --> 00:14:39,966
Tell me what you see.
250
00:14:41,566 --> 00:14:44,299
I can see our house.
251
00:14:45,966 --> 00:14:47,232
Great, Dad.
252
00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:50,432
Five hours on the road
and we're almost home.
253
00:14:50,466 --> 00:14:51,932
Dope.
Idiot.
254
00:14:51,966 --> 00:14:52,965
Buffoon.
255
00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:54,432
I- I got another idea.
256
00:14:54,466 --> 00:14:57,365
Oh, put up the top,
so we don't get a windburn?
257
00:14:57,399 --> 00:14:59,399
That's it! I'm flooring it
right into this bus!
258
00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:00,465
Dad, no!
No, Dad!
259
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,632
No, no, no, Al!
260
00:15:01,666 --> 00:15:03,365
Honey, no, no, it's okay.
We love you.
261
00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:04,798
What's your idea,
sweetie?
262
00:15:04,832 --> 00:15:07,132
We love you, Daddy.
263
00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:10,299
Well, uh, I was gonna say,
let's play geography.
264
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:12,132
You know, I'll name
a state or a country,
265
00:15:12,166 --> 00:15:13,698
and the next person
names one
266
00:15:13,732 --> 00:15:16,032
that begins with the letter
the last one ended with.
267
00:15:16,066 --> 00:15:17,499
Sound good?
268
00:15:17,533 --> 00:15:18,731
Sounds great.
269
00:15:18,765 --> 00:15:20,432
Oh, man,
let's play.
270
00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:21,599
You start, Daddy.
271
00:15:21,633 --> 00:15:23,432
Okay.
272
00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,432
Alaska.
273
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,465
A.
274
00:15:27,499 --> 00:15:29,033
Peg?
275
00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:31,032
Asia.
276
00:15:31,066 --> 00:15:32,998
Bud? A.
277
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:34,998
Africa.
278
00:15:35,032 --> 00:15:37,532
Kel? A.
279
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:43,166
Honey,
she's really trying.
280
00:15:45,299 --> 00:15:47,632
I know. I know.
281
00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:49,199
Hey, we need
some music.
282
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:50,532
That'll get us
out of this.
283
00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:53,332
How 'bout some good old
American road music?
284
00:16:12,199 --> 00:16:13,566
Al?
285
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,365
What?
286
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:18,666
Honey, I have to go
to the bathroom.
287
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:19,932
But don't you worry
about it.
288
00:16:19,966 --> 00:16:21,632
I-- I'm just gonna run
back to the house,
289
00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:23,166
and I'll be right back.
290
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:32,831
Alabammer.
291
00:16:32,865 --> 00:16:35,332
Daddy. R.
292
00:16:48,199 --> 00:16:49,765
Hello.
Heh-heh-heh.
293
00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:51,299
Hi.
294
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:53,365
Oh.
295
00:16:58,932 --> 00:17:01,033
Boy, that takes me back.
296
00:17:04,999 --> 00:17:07,232
Oh, hello, everybody.
297
00:17:07,266 --> 00:17:09,065
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
298
00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:12,332
But I, uh--
I took a nap and ate and--
299
00:17:12,366 --> 00:17:15,731
Oh, watched the premiere
of All-Night Security Dude.
300
00:17:15,765 --> 00:17:18,232
You know, I think it's
the part that Erik Estrada
301
00:17:18,266 --> 00:17:20,232
was born to play.
302
00:17:20,266 --> 00:17:22,265
Did I miss anything?
303
00:17:22,299 --> 00:17:24,332
Yes, Peg, you did.
304
00:17:24,366 --> 00:17:27,399
Kids, show Mommy
what she missed.
305
00:17:27,433 --> 00:17:29,532
This sucks, Daddy!
You'll rot in a lowly grave!
306
00:17:29,566 --> 00:17:31,666
Why don't you take us home?
You're not my father!
307
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,966
We wanna go home!
We wanna go home!
308
00:17:35,366 --> 00:17:38,831
About four hours of that, Peg,
that's what you missed.
309
00:17:38,865 --> 00:17:41,599
And you couldn't
wait for me, huh?
310
00:17:41,633 --> 00:17:42,632
All right, look.
311
00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:44,465
It's almost 9:00.
312
00:17:44,499 --> 00:17:46,865
Traffic always thins out
about now.
313
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,632
So everybody buckle
your seat belts up,
314
00:17:49,666 --> 00:17:52,032
'cause any minute now,
315
00:17:52,066 --> 00:17:54,499
we ride.
316
00:18:01,466 --> 00:18:03,866
Okay, kids,
rise and shine.
317
00:18:05,732 --> 00:18:06,932
Where are we?
318
00:18:06,966 --> 00:18:09,866
No sense in starting the day
with stupid questions.
319
00:18:12,433 --> 00:18:14,833
Al, we haven't moved.
320
00:18:16,799 --> 00:18:18,632
That's it. Come on, kids.
We're going home.
321
00:18:18,666 --> 00:18:20,199
Now, wait a second.
Where you going?
322
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,299
You'll miss
all the fun.
323
00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:24,933
Al, you reek.
324
00:18:26,999 --> 00:18:28,532
I reek?
325
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,132
I?
326
00:18:30,166 --> 00:18:31,399
I,
327
00:18:31,433 --> 00:18:34,065
who only wanted to share
in the joy and brotherhood
328
00:18:34,099 --> 00:18:36,831
of a family outing,
reek?
329
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,465
Well, let me tell you
what reeks,
330
00:18:39,499 --> 00:18:41,566
okay?
331
00:18:47,366 --> 00:18:49,332
Now, what reeks
332
00:18:49,366 --> 00:18:53,965
is this facade
that we call Labor Day.
333
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,399
Honk if you hate Labor Day!
334
00:18:59,299 --> 00:19:00,632
You know what else reeks?
335
00:19:00,666 --> 00:19:02,232
Families reek.
336
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,933
Honk if you hate families!
337
00:19:07,865 --> 00:19:12,199
Because they are truly
the reason Labor Day reeks.
338
00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:13,731
Once a year,
339
00:19:13,765 --> 00:19:16,098
they're on
these highways and byways.
340
00:19:16,132 --> 00:19:17,299
And what do they say?
341
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:19,898
"We hate this."
"We hate you."
342
00:19:19,932 --> 00:19:21,932
"Idiot."
"Moron."
343
00:19:21,966 --> 00:19:24,098
"Buffoon," Daddy.
344
00:19:24,132 --> 00:19:25,465
"Buffoon, Daddy."
345
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:27,399
But what about us?
346
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,065
The ones who truly labor?
347
00:19:29,099 --> 00:19:31,032
We're on
this stinking road every day,
348
00:19:31,066 --> 00:19:32,432
choking and wheezing,
349
00:19:32,466 --> 00:19:35,932
marching along like lemmings
to a horrible, screaming death.
350
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,966
Who cries for us, Argentina?
351
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:41,865
Not our families.
352
00:19:41,899 --> 00:19:43,666
Well, we can't expect that.
353
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,865
The yoke on the oxen
feels no guilt.
354
00:19:46,899 --> 00:19:49,399
But what we can expect
355
00:19:49,433 --> 00:19:52,365
is that on our one
lousy, stinkin' day off,
356
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:53,599
traffic can move us
357
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:56,865
to our lousy, stinkin',
pathetic destinations.
358
00:19:56,899 --> 00:19:59,666
To our polluted beaches,
359
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,232
our burning forests,
360
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,032
our wheezing grandmas,
361
00:20:03,066 --> 00:20:04,399
to our family barbecues
362
00:20:04,433 --> 00:20:07,465
with Uncle Otto
and his runny eye.
363
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:10,332
But does the highway department
prepare for us?
364
00:20:10,366 --> 00:20:12,499
Are they out here
helping us?
365
00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:14,399
Are they out there
in front of us,
366
00:20:14,433 --> 00:20:17,532
by that first damn car
that caused this traffic jam,
367
00:20:17,566 --> 00:20:20,265
saying,
"Step on the gas, you moron!
368
00:20:20,299 --> 00:20:22,332
Let the 20 million
people pass!"
369
00:20:22,366 --> 00:20:23,965
They are not.
370
00:20:23,999 --> 00:20:25,965
Why?
371
00:20:25,999 --> 00:20:28,798
Because they don't care.
372
00:20:28,832 --> 00:20:34,200
And that, my friends,
is what really reeks.
373
00:20:42,832 --> 00:20:45,532
So let's face it.
We're not moving.
374
00:20:45,566 --> 00:20:47,731
We're just lining up to die.
375
00:20:47,765 --> 00:20:49,332
But let's show them
376
00:20:49,366 --> 00:20:52,232
that the American spirit
is not dead.
377
00:20:52,266 --> 00:20:54,232
So join me, will you,
378
00:20:54,266 --> 00:20:57,299
on this, our Labor Day,
379
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,432
and get out of your cars
380
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:02,833
and tear this highway to bits!
381
00:21:03,799 --> 00:21:05,632
Go into your trunks!
382
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:06,898
Get your tire irons
383
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,299
and your road flares!
384
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,232
Burn, baby, burn!
385
00:21:10,266 --> 00:21:13,332
Vengeance is ours!
386
00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:20,432
Al! We're moving!
387
00:21:20,466 --> 00:21:22,098
Huh?
388
00:21:22,132 --> 00:21:23,599
Uh, we are...moving.
389
00:21:23,633 --> 00:21:25,032
Everyone!
390
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:27,098
We are moving.
391
00:21:27,132 --> 00:21:28,098
In your cars.
392
00:21:28,132 --> 00:21:29,798
In your cars.
393
00:21:29,832 --> 00:21:31,566
Kids, let's go.
Let's go.
394
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,199
See? I told you
to stick with me.
395
00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:34,332
Now, buckle up.
396
00:21:34,366 --> 00:21:36,566
Now,
397
00:21:37,233 --> 00:21:39,866
we ride.
398
00:21:42,099 --> 00:21:43,866
Flat tire.
Everyone out.
399
00:21:45,299 --> 00:21:46,932
I'll see you
next Tuesday, Al.
400
00:21:46,966 --> 00:21:48,432
Come on, kids,
we can still catch
401
00:21:48,466 --> 00:21:51,532
Mark Spitz and Greg Louganis
in Swim Gyms.
402
00:21:52,765 --> 00:21:54,532
It's a story
about synchronized swimmers
403
00:21:54,566 --> 00:21:57,698
that solve crimes
in their spare time.
404
00:21:57,732 --> 00:21:59,599
Fine. Go.
I don't need ya.
405
00:21:59,633 --> 00:22:01,766
I got my people.
406
00:22:03,633 --> 00:22:05,632
People.
407
00:22:06,032 --> 00:22:08,232
I've got a flat tire.
408
00:22:08,266 --> 00:22:09,499
Who will help me?
409
00:22:09,533 --> 00:22:12,666
Move that car!
410
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,831
Now-- Now, there's no--
411
00:22:15,865 --> 00:22:17,731
There's no reason
to throw things.
412
00:22:17,765 --> 00:22:19,332
Now, get--
Get back in your cars.
413
00:22:19,366 --> 00:22:20,332
Stay calm!
414
00:22:20,366 --> 00:22:22,666
All right,
let's get him!
44772
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