All language subtitles for To.Wong.Foo.Thanks.For.Everything,.Julie.Newmar.1995.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX] HI

[ Shower Running ]

[ Man ]
This is a man's world

This is a man's world

But it wouldn't mean nothin'

Without a woman or a girl

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Sighs ]

Ready or not,
here comes Mama.

And where is the body

[ Saxophone, Drums ]

And where is the body

Move over, Mother

'Cause I'm going faster
than you can drive

The body beautiful

Ooh,you are too many things

To die for
Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh
Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ahh
Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh
Body beautiful

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh

Oo-ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh
Ahh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
I am body beautiful

Beautiful
In cha-cha pumps

Comfortable
and I'm ready to go
I got them on

I work the runway

Left, right,
left, right
All night long

You better walk
I am the one

Ooh
There is no other

Oh, ah
I am Mother
I am body beautiful

[ High-pitched Giggle ]

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
Body beautiful

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Be careful, be careful

I am body beautiful

I am grand
I am the queen
Grand diva, queen bee

I masquerade
Who am I

I'm fantasy
You're fantasy

I am the house of elegance
The whole mansion

Featuring
I am body beautiful
Body beautiful

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ahh, ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
Body beautiful
Ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh--
Ahh--

[ Man Shouting Insult,
Indistinct ]

[ Puerto Rican Accent ]
Don't throw your mother at me !

Get outta here, freak!
Policia!

[ Siren Wailing ]
Help !

[ Crowd Cheering, Shouting ]
Viva, Vida !

You look bad,
girl !

I'm gonna make my lips
even more bee-stung.

I'm taking my face
to Sweden where I'll win
the Nobel Peace Prize.

[ Others Laugh ]
There ain't nobody here tonight
winnin' Miss Congeniality.

[ Knock At Door ]
Ladies, five minutes.

[ Muttering ]

[ Announcer ]
New York City!

Pay your hometown girls
some homage!

Your... Drag... Queen...

Pageant finalists!

She's all you'd ever want
Miss Chita Riviera.

Miss Missy!

Catiria Reyes.

She's got style
She's got grace
Cappuccino Commotion.

She's a lady
Vida Bohemme.

Ooh, she's a lady
Noxeema Jackson.

Senorita Chi Chi.
[ Howls ]

And the lady is mine
Mine all mine

She's never in the way
Always something nice to say

What a blessing
What a blessing

I can leave her on her own

She's okay alone
and there's no messing
There's no messing

She's a lady

Oh, oh, oh
She's a lady

Talkin'about
that little lady

And the lady is mine

Mine all mine

But she never asks
for very much

And I don't refuse her

Always treat her with respect
I never would abuse her

What she's got is hard to find
and I don't want to lose her

Help me build a mountain
[ Screaming ]

From a little pile of clay

She's a lady
Oh, oh, oh

She's a lady

Talkin'about
that little lady

Work it
And the lady is mine

Hello, hello, hello !

Good evening.

And here, to present this year's
Drag Queen of the Year,

[ Drumroll ]
last year's winner.

Put your hands together
for...

Miss Rachel Tensions !

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

[ Rachel Laughing ]

Hey ! Hello !

Oh !

Oh, what can I say ?

- [ Cheering Continues ]
- My heart is full.

[ Man ]
I love you!
Oh, thank you.

Oh.

[ Man ]
Mama!

[ Laughing Politely ]

[ Kiss, Kiss ]

Well, well,
here we all are again.

Another year flies by,

and it's time to crown a new
Drag Queen of the Year.

Proof that
in New York City,

a thing of beauty
is a joy for...

exactly 1 2 months.
[ Audience Laughs ]

May I have the envelope,
please ?

[ Wolf Whistles, Catcalls ]
Mmm, mmm.

I don't know who he is,

but if there's
a snowstorm tonight,

he's going on my tires.

[ Applause, Whistles ]

The winner of the Drag Queen
of the Year will receive...

an all-expense-paid,
round-trip ticket...

to Hollywood, California !

[ Applause ]

Where she can compete
in the Drag Queen of America
Contest.

[ Applause ]

I'm so excited,
I could just spit.

[ Drumroll ]
And the winner is--

We have a tie !

Tie ? What she
mean ''tie'' ?
Oh, my God.

And the winners are...
Me.

Miss Noxeema Jackson
and Miss Vida Bohemme !

Work the runway.
Work it.

Tempus fugit, diva women!
Thank you, thank you !

Come, come.
[ Wild Cheering, Applause ]

[ Sobbing ]

Now go and scandalize
this country, girlfriends.

This land was made
for you and her.

[ Tchaikovsky's
''1 8 1 2 Overture'']

Us ? In Hollywood ?
This is total glam.

I just hope nobody mistakes us
for the Gabors.

We have to be seen
at the China Bowl.
[ Sobbing ]

We will induce
envy and rage !

Oh, that little Latin boy
in drag is crying.

Find out why that little
Latin boy in drag is crying.

Little Latin boy in drag,
why are you crying ?

[ Sniffling ]
'Cause,just 'cause the two
of you are so pretty.

That's all.
Yes, yes, of course,
we're pretty,

but why
are you crying ?

Maybe she just found out
Menudo broke up.

Now, little one,
what is your name ?

It's... Chi Chi.
Chi Chi Rodriguez.

What's with the
waterworks ?

I just-- I just wanted
to win this so much.

'Cause I never won nothin'
my whole life. Every time
that I do somethin',

I'm getting it wrong
and somebody's laughing
at me, you know.

[ Giggling ]
But maybe I'm gonna
meet somebody nice...

who'll take me away and--

Instead of these old men
with their greasy bellies
and their money...

and their [ Grunts ] and
leaving when the time is up.

Because I'm a loser !
No, no, no.

I hate my life.
I hate myself.
No, Chi Chi !

No. Listen, listen, dear.
You are a winner!

You look like--

Well--
You are a winner, and--

Don't be lookin' at me !
Uh-uh-uh.
Noxeema.

Don't give me
that bleedin'-heart,
Sally Struthers look.

Chi Chi,
you just sit here.

I am going upstairs to have
a talk with Miss Noxeema.

We will be right back.

I'm not goin' upstairs
with you.

I ain't drivin'you no more,
Miss Daisy.

Noxeema.
What ?

We must all help others.

How ?
Take her with us
to Hollywood.

Say, what ?
Take her with us.

- [ Snorts ]
Now, how we gonna do that ?
- Um--

Sell our plane tickets and
the three of us go by bus.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Not on your young, queer life.

You and your causes !
That child is Latin.

You don't want to be gettin'
mixed up in all that Latin mess.

She might be a Sandanista
or something.

Noxeema Jackson, I am shocked
and a little saddened by you.

You, of all people !
Hon, I remember
the first time...

I laid eyes on a certain ebony
enchantress in the rough...

and how through styling and
the occasional makeup tip,

I helped her look
just a little bit less
like Moms Mabley.

Moms Mabley ?
And who would think...

that ebony enchantress would
one day share a title with moi?

On those steps, that dear,
little Spanish soul--

working that tired Abbe Lane
drag for all it's worth--

is all alone in this world.

And shejust once
wants to be special,

to have a moment
in the starlight,

to dream of being
utterly, utterly fabulous.

It's all in the walk,
darling.

Hello.
I'm walkin' here.
I'm walkin' here.

Now, the China Bowl
is the place if you want
to make a great entrance.

[ Traffic Noises,
Pedestrians Chattering ]

[ Patrons Cheering, Applauding ]
[ Man ]
Three stunning visions!

If you don't tell us
your beauty secrets,
we'll hold our breaths.

I cannot be held
responsible.

I wish I was
as beautiful as you.
Oh, honey ! Good luck.

[ Cheering Continues ]

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

You really like us.
I don't
believe it !

[ Chi Chi Yelps ]

You like us,
you really like us !
[ Man ] Vida ! Vida !

[ Man At Table ]
He is bi !

Oh, Vida, Vida,
che bellisima, come va ?

Darling, enchantee.

Oh, you spoke French !
How bi !

Look at you !
My little pinata !
[ Laughs ]

Chi Chi,you must meet the only
man of money matters, Mr.John
Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Ay, papi! Ay, tan chulo,
mamita! El gusto es mio.

- No, no, el gusto es mio.
- No, papito.
El gusto es mio, mi amor.

El gusto del susto
dejan robusto.
Si, pues te ajusto las nalgas--

[ Loudly ]
Noxeema, you rememberJohn
JacobJingleheimer Schmidt ?

Yes, his name is my name too.
Do people always shout ?
I hate that.

Look at you. I'm like a compass
near north. Congratulations
on your victoire.

Thank you.
Thank you, darling.

This is why we must
talk toJohn Jacob.
We have un petite crise.

Crise ? Oh,jamais!

We have decided...
We ?

to take our young protege,
Miss Chi Chi, to Hollywood
with us.

How Three Sisters!
How Chekhov.

We ?
[John ]
What part do I play?

-[ Vida ]
Two round-trip tours to L.A.
- Have-to-have or have-to-dump ?

- Have-to-dump.
- To dump. To dump, to dump,
to dump, dump, dump.

- One thousand, hmm ?
- That is fabulous. Then, three
round-trips to La-La Land.

- One thousand, hmm ?
- That is fabulous. Then, three
round-trips to La-La Land.

Mode of transportation ?
Cheapest.

Mule. Sorry, darling.
Forgive me. And 20 acres.

You got her number !
Let's say, bus !

I do not do the bus.
No ?

You obviously have me mistaken
for Miss Rosa Parks.

Ixnay on the hound.
How about chemin de fer?
Train.

- Yes. Does it
have a club car ?
- How much ?

Let's see.
Three round-trip tickets.
Two adults, one child.

I don't know.
Tell me, tell me !
Does it have a club car ?

- Fifteen hundred.
- That is totally
out of our league.

What else can we do ?
On account of your need
and unprecedented glamour,

today, you're
the lucky winner of--

Can we pay in trade ?
Ouch.
It's English.

- Noxie.
- ''Crazy Elijah.
My cars are my children.''

Drop my name, anything
on the lot-- $50.

- The problem is solved.
John Jacob, as always--
- Are we talking about driving ?

Cherry Lifesaver.
All-day sucker.

Are we now having a discussion
about driving from New York
to Los Angeles ?

[ Squealing ]
We will go on !
[ Noxeema Protesting ]

Gotta go. Tempus.
[ Vida ]
Bye.

I don't know if you've seen
America, but it does not
respond kindly to our sort.

Oh. No one say anything
frivolous. I am having
a significant experience.

Whoopee.

Look.
Miss Julie Newmar...

has been watching silently
over this entire conversation.

And look at her vintage
Miss Julie.

She is the perfect,
the ultimate-- Oh!

Try to describe her and not use
the word ''statuesque. ''

Oh, Miss Julie,you are
statuesque, and you were
the only Catwoman. Read it!

''To Wong Foo.

Thanks for everything.
Julie Newmar.''

Who was Wong Foo ?

- I don't know, but
evidently they were close.
- Enough. I'm hungry.

We must take this message
with us across the land
as our sovereign token !

[ Chi Chi ]
Relax. It's gonna be all right.

[ Noxeema ]
I was in the club car.
Now we're talkin'about drivin

Hey, nenitas, look !
Ay, Dios mio! Sensational !
Whoo ! Whoo !

Ay! The seats
are like butter !

Now, this is a car.
A car ? Mary, Alice, Louise !
No, this is a land yacht.

I used to know
a lawyer guy who had
a car just like this,

and I said I was gonna
have one for myself.

Vida, can we, please ?
[ Noxeema ]
Oh, but we daren't!

I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield
in this car.

Ooh ! Jayne Mansfield.
Not a good auto reference.
[ Engine Starts ]

[ Crazy Elijah ]
Please. It's a wreck.
You gotta--

[ Tires Squeal ]
It'll never get you
to California!

[ All Gasping ]
Ay, it's the look !

Noxie, how can you
possibly refuse ?

Internal combustion,
the ultimate accessory.
Ladies, I implore you !

For your own safety,
go with the Toyota Corolla.

Pumpkins, it comes down
to that age-old decision:

style or substance ?

Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.

Gotta move

Gotta get out

Gotta leave this place

Gotta find someplace

Some other place
Some brand-new place

Someplace where each face
that I see won't be
starin'back at me

Tellin'me what to be
and how to be it

Someplace

Where I can just be me

Gotta move

Gotta get out

Let me-- Wejust left
Philadelphia, right ?

So the next city is--
Bala-Cynwyd.

Bala-- Bila-- Bala--
Bala-Cynwyd.
It's Welsh.

How do you know that ?
How'd you know that ?

Believe it or not,
it's my hometown.
Get out !

Oh, my goodness.
I wanna see where
she was birthed.

The birthplace of
Miss Vida Bohemme. Oh !

There's gotta be
a historical marker
or somethin' around.

Baby, when I find me
that new place

Maybe I'm

Gonna leave this town
Gonna leave this place

Gotta find a new man

Gotta move

[ Vida ]
Welcome to Bala-Cynwyd.

[ Chi Chi ]
It's so beautiful.

[ Vida ]
Here's where they
asked young Vida...

to stop imitating
Esther Williams
in Million Dollar Mermaid,

thus marring
the Methodists'annual picnic.

[ Chi Chi ]
� Ay, Dios mio ! How come you
never told us you were rich ?

I'm not rich.
My parents are.

You gave all this up.
Whoo.
There will be...

a barbecue at Twelve Oaks
tonight.

We were so poor, my parents
got married for the rice.
Why did you give this up ?

Vida gave all this up
to be Vida.
Hello.

Next time you give something
like this up, I'll take it.

There, there.

Ay, Mama, esta. Look !

[ Whispering ]
Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

Maps are cheating.

Don't do that !
What are you doing ?
[ Tires Squeal ]

[ Chi Chi ]
Go back !

Oh,Jesus.
Vida. Vida.
[ Tires Squeal ]

[ Noxeema ]
This is unbecoming
of a lady.

Fine. How are we gonna
know where we're going ?

Instincts.
And exquisite wit.

If you're going to become
a drag queen, you're gonna
have to learn these things.

What do you mean, ''be a drag
queen'' ? I am a drag queen.

[ Chuckles ]
Child, no, no, no.
You are a boy in a dress.

When a straight man
puts on a dress
and gets his sexual kicks,

he is a transvestite.

When a man is a woman
trapped in a man's body...

and has the little operation,
he is a transsexual.

- I know that.
- When a gay man...

has way too much fashion sense
for one gender,

he is... a drag queen.

Thank you.
And when a tired little
Latin boy puts on a dress,

he is simply a boy in a dress.

[ Laughing ]
I'm just a boy in a dress ?

Definitely.
Oh, absolutely.

Okay, okay, that does it.
I'm history !
[ Brakes Screeching ]

Be careful !
Ay!

I don't need this.
Maybe somebody needs this.
I don't need that.

Look at her, running like
she runnin' cross the border.

The potential of a lifetime,
and you are squandering it !
So what do you care ?

You will start off
a mere boy in a dress,

but by the time we're done
with this crusade,

your Auntie Vida and Auntie
Noxie will give you the...

outrageous outlook
and indomitable spirit
that it will take...

to make you
a full-fledged drag queen.

So now, I want you
to turn your swayback
little self around...

on those... Robert Clergerie
knockoffs and get back
in this car.

Maybe I'm not just
a boy in a dress.

All right. You are...
a drag princess.

I could live with that !

I'm a princess. P to
the R to the N to the
CESS. I'm a princess !

Are you all right ?
You gotta like
Princess Chi Chi !

Fine and dandy,
but you have a lot to learn...

before you become
a full-fledged queen,
my dear.

Can't I just stay a princess ?
They're so much younger !

Does everything have
to be a joke with you ?
This is not a masquerade !

This is real life.
There are steps
to becoming a queen.

I'm sorry.
How many ?

Four !

There are four steps
to becoming a drag queen.

Don't be stingy.
What are they ?

Well--
Patience, ma cherie. You will
know when you've done them.

That's right.
Miss Noxeema, our duchess
of protocol, will inform you.

[ Noxeema ]
You just hold onto your
hot sauce and pay attention.

Auntie Vida's gonna make you
a big ol' queen.

God, grant me the serenity to
accept being a boy in a dress...

and the courage to change
with the fashions and the
wisdom to know the difference.

[ Noxeema ]
Congratulations,
Miss Rodriguez.

That was step number one
towards true queenliness.

Ay, Dios mio!
Step one already !

[ Noxeema ]
Let good thoughts
be your sword and shield.

Take a look at yourself
What do you see

Really little of mediocrity

No one told you
you can't have it all

It's time to act up
and have a ball

You got to
free yourself

From the chains that bind

From the chains that bind

[ Chi Chi ]
I'm so tired,
I wish I were dead.

[ Continues ]
We all tired, honey.

We're gonna have
to stop sometime.

I know, I've just
been postponing it.

Stop torturin' us.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

You know, Budget Hosts
are really good. I'm serious.

They let you keep the mints
even if you don't stay
the whole night.

Please ?
It's a Budget Host.
I don't know.

It's just so
Middle America. Noxie ?

Why don't we just
sleep in the car ?
Nuh-uh !

Please !
If I don't sleep in a real
bed, I'm gonna freak, okay ?

People are gonna be cruel.
It could get violent.

We have been there before.

Fine, let's throw you two
a pity party, okay ?

Two 'fraidy old ladies.
What is she
doing now ?

The child is gonna
get herself killed.
[ Chi Chi Muttering ]

You're gonna end up being
second-rate your whole life.
Please, come back.

Nuh-uh. I'm not sleeping
with the Wicked Witch of the
West's toenails in my face.

Chi Chi, please !

[ Catcalls, Wolf Whistles ]
[ Man ]
Hey, baby!

Take a picture,
it will last longer.

We have to go get her.
Come on. Let's go.
Why do you do this to me ?

A bunch of wet rags !
[ Whispering ]
She's crazy. Chi Chi !

We're staying, and I don't
want to hear anything about it !

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
I should have met you outside.

That's okay, Mr. Manager.
We just got tired so we came
in for a little sanctuary.

- Welcome.
- Welcome ?

- There's wine and cheese...
- I love to be wined and dined.

where you'll meet many
of your friends inside.

Friends ?
Friends ?
Friends ?

Get with the program.
No one is so rich as
to throw away a friend.

[ Whispering ]
I don't understand.

[ Women Chattering ]
Basketball ?

Let's go !
Over here !

I'm open.
Move the ball around.

[ Noxeema Squealing ]

Oh ! Yea !
[ Referee Whistles ]

Uh.
[ Giggles ]

Miss Chi Chi, I must commend you
on your entrance into this
establishment yesterday.

Ooh ! Absolutely.
Step two. Big time.

Halfway towards utter,
utter fabulousness.

Mm-hmm. Step two
to becoming a queen.

Ignore adversity.
Mm-hmm. Toast
to Miss Chi Chi.

Uh

Uh, mm-mm

[ Wolf Whistle ]

Oh, she's a brick

House

She's mighty mighty

Just lettin'it all hang out
Oh, she's a brick

House

That lady's stacked
and that's a fact

Ain't holdin'nothin'back
Oh, she's a brick

House

Yeah, she's the one
The only one

Built like an Amazon

[ Chi Chi ]
''Lost in the hot embrace of
Damien's sinewy bronze flesh,

''Laritza surrendered
her body completely,
[ Inhales ]

[ Chuckles ]
melting with every touch
of his insatiable lips.''

Oh, stop.
My nerves.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chi Chi ]
Hey, mami, where
the freak are we ?

[ Noxeema ]
The last person I saw
didn't have but two teeth,

so I guess... West Virginia.

[ Siren ]
What in gay hell ?

What's the matter?
This could
prove problematic.

The first name on my
driver's license is Eugene.

Eugene ?

Yes.
Eugene ? Eugene.

Can I see your license ?

Uh, enchanting evening,
Officer. What seems
to be the problem ?

You've got a taillight out, and
I'd like to see your license.
Taillight.

Oh ! A taillight !
That is the very least
of our problems.

What have you got here ?
Hola.
Hi.

Um, I was wondering
if you could help us.

You see, we are three young
career girls from--
Career girls ?

Yes, from New York City,
and we are so lost,
you cannot believe.

Where do you think we are ?

We're... lost.
West Virginia ?

West Virginia ?
You're a long way from
West Virginia, girls.

Oops.

Well, I was wondering,
could you help us find
a moderately priced hotel ?

You know, we don't go
for that around these parts.

White girls ridin' around
with niggers and spicks.

Auntie Vida, talk to the man.
You speak honky.
Tell him where we're going.

- Sheriff Dullard.
- That's Dollard.

I am sorry.
My name's Dollard,
with an ''O.''

- Well, it says Dullard
on your name tag.
- Well, it's a misprint !

As I was saying, we are three
young career girls--
Mm-hmm.

You're pretty.

Why, thank you.

Step out of the vehicle.
The other two stay inside.

[ Softly ]
Don't do it.
Vida, please be careful.

Don't worry, girls.
Get outta
the car.

Christ, you're tall.
Is this really
necessary ?

Where's your license at ?

Come with me to my car.
Come on.
[ Moans ]

You stay in the vehicle.

Officer, if I could
just explain. You see--

Um, my license
and name--
Don't worry about your license.

Don't worry ?
Nah.

I think maybe
he's prejudiced.

I bet you were the brightest
in your class, weren't you ?

What are you doing ?
Give me a kiss.

No, no, no, no ! Please !
Oh, come on.
I know what you want.

You know what you
career girls want ?
Careers ?

Same thing as every girl wants.
No, no, no.
Please don't do this.

Please, no.
Please, no !
Give daddy some sugar.

Please, no.
When a lady says no,
she means--

[ In Male Voice ]
Get your hand off my dick,
buddy!

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Chi Chi Gasps ]

[ Reverts To Female Voice ]
Sheriff Dullard ?

Sh-Sheriff Dullard ?

Noxie, oh, no. Noxie !

Vida !
Don't go out there !

What is goin' on ?
I think he's dead.

[ Chi Chi ]
Don't leave me.
What !

I think I killed him.
Why is he on the ground ?

Are you sure ?
Oh, no, please.
Don't go over there.

Then how do you know
he's dead ?
I'm not sure. I just--

You see, he had his hand
up my dress--
Up your dress !

Feeling you up ?
Trying to have
his way with me.

Up your dress ?
How do you know he's dead ?

[ Arguing ]
I can't
deal with this.

If you want to know,
you go check !

You're not gonna
get attitude with me !
Let me check.

This is because of you !
I knew this accountant
who died on me.

I can't believe this.

Mamis, don't quote me, but
I think this one is deceased.

Oh, my God.
Oh, what are we gonna do ?

A dead white policeman ?
Sh-Should we blow ?

Yes, yes !
Two words: Buh-low.
Chi Chi, come on.

Let's go.
We don't have time for that.

Don't leave me here
with this dead man !
I'll get his cooties !

[ Noxeema ]
You get yourself
in this car right now !

[ All Chattering Frantically ]

[ Chi Chi ]
What are we gonna do now ?

Oh.

Lovely night.
Look at those stars.

Come on.
Jealous.
Ow. Use your muscles.

[ Engine Doesn't Start ]

[ Engine Fails Again ]

Oh, no.
It isn't ?
[ Engine Sputters ]

Almost.
Pl-Please.

Now we're stuck here
forever. I knew it.

See, right now I could be in a
comfortable, climate-controlled
environment...

on a transcontinental
airline,

enjoying my individual
package of peanuts...

and my little complimentary
warm towel,

if it wasn't for the little
Hispanic rent-a-tart.

I didn't ask to come
on this trip, did I ?

No, I don't think so.

Did I ask you to be makin'
me over andjump all kinds
ofhoops like some poodle ?

No, I don't think so.
Do I want to go to jail
because of some cop-killer ?

No, I don't think so.
So as soon as we get
to the next town,

I'm jumping on the first man
and I'm riding him all
the way to New York City...

and away from you two
stuck-up putas,
'cause this trip sucks !

It sucks !
After all we have done...

to include you,
you would leave us
so quickly ?

Like that.

All right. Since you have
learned absolutely nothing,

I am hereby stripping you
of all your princess points.

- Ooh, that's voodoo.
Let's go.
- You can't do that !

Noxeema and I decided to take
pity on this poor little
Latin boy in drag...

Excuse me ?
Excuse me ?
and bring her along--

''Noxie and I'' ?
Did I hear ''Noxie and I'' ?

No, no, no, no.
''Noxie and I''
didn't decide anything.

Noxie got dragged into this
by you!

What about the two of you
leaving poor Miss Vida
at-- at-- at--

the hands of this-- this
possibly dead Sheriff Dullard ?

And you stayed stuck in this car
like MaryJo Kopechne!
Huh-uh.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, dear and oft-thanked
Wong Foo, it's not that
I'm asking for help.

I am not that presumptuous.
But if something-- anything--

Maybe if somebody gave me
back my princess points,

I would do the hitchhiking
thing and get us a ride.
[ Starter Cranking ]

How you gonna hitchhike
if there are no cars, stupid ?

You don't know me
very well, Creepela.

I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe.
I got more legs than
a bucket of chicken.

[ Muttering In Spanish ]
[ Engine Fails Again ]

She's going to get kidnapped
by some mountain man, and
we will have to rescue her.

Why's she always gotta have
the last word, huh ?

[ Truck Approaching ]

You need a ride ?
Si, yeah.

You know, our car,
she died over there.

I just need to pick up
my friends, all right ?

[ Truck Radio Playing ]
Hop in.

Get inside, perras.
I got us a ride to Spidersville.

That's Snydersville.

Oh, thank you,
Wong Foo.

[ Radio Continues ]

Oh. Hi.
Hi.

Thank you.

[ Engine Starting ]

Well, ladies,
welcome to Snydersville.

Thank you.

Virgil!

Okay.
Carol Ann!

[ Whistles ]

Virgil ?
Carol Ann ?

And you thought
the Dust Bowl was over ?
Shh.

Bobby Ray,
is that you ?

It sure is. Look, we
come over to Virgil's.
Is he in ?

[ Shouting ]
Virgil ! It's
Bobby Ray. You in ?

[ Virgil ]
No.
He's in.

Tell him that we got
a big Cadillac broke down
up side the road.

[ Carol Ann Shouting ]
Got a big Cadillac broke down
up side the road.

So ?
He'll be right down.

Okay. This is it.

Uh, here, you got
your bathroom.

You got towels.
If you want anything,
you just holler.

We'll put your bags
in the hallway.
Overhead light.

Huh-uh.
Go get it.

That's not the look.
No.

Well, you girls
all did want to be
in the same room.

Do you, by chance,
have a room that's possibly
more inhabitable ?

This is
the presidential suite.

Must have been one
of those bad presidents.

You seem a little tired,
so I'll leave you be here.

Car'll most likely
be ready tomorrow.
It's only for one night.

Excuse me--
There is... no toilet.

You know what I think ?
The last black person
to stay here...

was Sam Cooke.

''The saints must despise me,
for I am doomed.

I fear to spend the rest of
my days in this miserable cell.''

Ay, bendito.
''The rest of her days.

[ Hums Fanfare ]
''Suddenly, from
out of the darkness,

''came evidence to the contrary.

''By the sword of my father
and his father,

I,Juan Carlos de la Noche,
will rescue Princess Laritza--''

I think tomorrow
I'll wear a say-something hat.

I think tomorrow
is a say-something hat day.

''I am here to save you,
Princess Laritza.
I thank the heavens.

You are my knight
in shining armor. ''
[ Continues, Mumbling ]

[ Inhales ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

Why do I feel like I'm in
the Tournament of Roses Parade ?

Because you're
as big as a float ?

Your mother.
Thank you.
Okay.

As soon as I get to
a town with a bus,
I'm outta here.

Howdy, y'all.
Hello.

For girls, they're sure
strong and big !

Vernell?
Virgil.

Oh, uh-- Virgil. So, how long
will she take to fix ?

All of five minutes.

Oh, my goodness,
thank you.
That'll work.

When I get the part.

See, I don't have
any Cadillac parts,
especially any old parts.

But I can order it,
and you'll have it Monday.
Monday !

Monday ! It's Saturday.
What are we supposed to do
'til Monday ?

You just gotta wait.
[ Noxeema ]
Wait ?

No, no, no, no.
Excuse me, mister--

[ All Chattering Indignantly ]

Ladies. You're
just gonna have to wait.

M-Maybe Virgil can get
in touch with his--

[ Chuckles ]
Carol Ann.

Excuse me.
Oooh.

So what're we gonna do now,
Miss Fix-it-all, Know-it-all ?

Hello.
What're we
gonna do, baby ?

Evidently, we will have to
stay 'til Monday...

and get to know this lovely
town and its inhabitants.

Excuse me.
What are you
gawking at ?

[ All Chuckling ]
What are you
gonna do about it ?

Uh-- Nothing.

I love roughnecks.
If I was your bread,
would you be my butter ?

[ Noxeema ]
This is my idea ofhell!

[ Whispering ] Careful.
Who is their art director ?
Ma Joad ?

We will make
the most of it. Watch.

Pardon me, kind sirs.
Pardon me. Thank you.

Uh, hello. My name is
Vida Bohemme, of the
Manhattan Bohemmes ?

And, uh, my traveling
companions and I,

uh, will be staying in your
fair hamlet for the weekend.

And we were wondering
if maybe there were some...

historical points of interest
that we should not miss ?

Oh. She can't hear.
She don't talk.

She's just a little,
you know--

Oh. Oh.

There's nothin' interesting
around here for you. You're
from New York City and all.

But we'll try to be,
uh, accommodating.

Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, thank you.
[ Chuckles Uneasily ]

Pardon me.

Let's just all suck it up
and make this place tolerable,
okay?

Now, ready ?
Operation Decorator Storm.

Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman

All the world
is waiting for you

And the power you possess

In your satin tights
Fighting for your rights

And the old red, white
and blue

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

You're a wonder
Wonder Woman

That's him !
Geez.

This guy's livin'.
You think ?

Sheriff Dullard !
Sheriff Dullard !

Dollard here.
But it says ''Dullard''
on your badge.

It's a misprint.
Sheriff, what happened ?

I was attacked.

[ Woman ]
Hello, Loretta.
Hello.

Alcoholic.
Low self-esteem.

Her daddy used to
call her Baby Ugly !

She took to the bottle just
as soon as she could swallow.
[ All Sigh ]

[ Whispering ]
Over there. Her and her husband
ain't had sex for seven years.

And another mess is the
youngest of the Budd family
that runs the clothing store.

Poor thing,
he's got a sad little st-t-t-t.

A stutter. It would
bring a tear to your eye.

Then there's Clara.

Poor thing. You can say
anything. She don't hear ya.

She can't hear you ?
Your stockings are
falling down !

[ Laughing ]
You know, there's no
medical reason.

Ever since her husband lost
the movie theater business
and run off with that lady--

what do you call it--
film distributor.

That over there is JimmyJoe,
who runs the restaurant for me.

He is the nicest colored man
you'd ever want to meet.

Mm. Wha--
Robert Mitchum ?

Yoo-hoo !
You forgot something.

Hello ? Excuse me.

You forgot your picture.

I picked it up because
I didn't want it
to get dirty.

Oh no, girlfriend,
did you just do a U-ie ?

Girl, I'm a-comin'.

I'm a-comin' !

I'm gonna get you.
Honey, I'm just tryin'
to give back your picture.

Oh. Ow. Oh.
I don't find this
funny anymore.

Sheriff Dollard,
we've read your filed report...

regarding the assault in the
back roads of your jurisdiction,

and there are a few questions
that we should ask
before we pursue this case.

First off, with regards
to the assailant,

are we correct in summarizing,
if we can clarify matters,
by saying that...

[ Snickering ]
you got beat up by a girl ?

[ All Laughing ]

They were not girls.

They were boys and
there were three of them
and one of them was black.

[ Laughing ]

Uh, may we see
exhibit A, please ?

Exhibit A.
Found at the scene
of the crime.

All right !
They were dressed up like girls,
but they were boys !

[ Laughter Resumes ]

You sons of bitches.
Don't laugh at me !

I was just attacked
by perverts !

And if you aren't gonna do
something about it, I will.

Mrs. Dollard--
[ Others Laugh ]

Give me the shoe.
Mrs. Dollard !

Shut up !
Just shut up !

I'm gonna bring back
three corpses here.

And when you
look up their dresses,

if you don't find
something you shouldn't find,

I don't know what.

[ Laughter ]

I was a Fresh-Air Fund kid,
and they used to take us
troubled children...

out into the country
for picnics.

I didn't know
it was gonna be a party.

I would have
dressed for it.
Licorice, anyone ?

I guess it's gonna
be a poker party.

You got all your players.
You don't need me.

Looksies, no feelsies.

Anybody read
any good books lately ?

[ Truck Horn Honks ]

Come on !

That's how you
pick up a lady.

Carol Ann, darling,
I think we're going
to need more towels.

Can you believe
we've gone through 1 4 ?
You know, girl stuff.

Hon, are you crying ?
Oh, no,
just chopping onions.

Oh. T.V.W.:
the very worst.

Household hint, if I may ?
Put these on, and it will
shield your eyes.

No ! Don't. Oh !

Oh, darling,
what happened ?
Nothing.

You are going to have
a shiner. You better
put a steak on that thing.

No, these boxes dropped on me
from that closet up there.

And, uh, anyway,
I gotta get this dinner ready.

Oh !

Oh, may I ?
What's that ?

Just a little spice.
Oh !

No, don't ! No !
Don't !

Oh, my.
We don't use spices here.

I am sorry.
I-I'm just pushy.
Virgil does not like it.

Virgil does like
his way, doesn't he ?

You're very, uh...
observant.

As a matter of fact,

I can't help but
observe right now...

that there are no
chopped onions anywhere.

I think that maybe you'd better
just let me finish this alone.

Surely.

Oh, and the box
in the closet--
good one, darling.

I used to tell people
that when my father would
call me cruel names,

it was just because
of his sense of humor.

If you need more towels,
you'll find them
in the closet...

down at the
end of the hallway.

Hello. I brought
your picture back.

You dropped it earlier,
and--

Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.

Ah.

Wow. Miss Thing got
some stuff in here.

Mind if I sit ?

Ohh.

Ooh !

That little run you took me on
really took a lot out of me.

[ Exhales ]
Not that I'm not in shape
or anything, but--

Those boys didn't hurt you,
did they, Miss Chi Chi ?

Just a little bit,
papi.

Nothing time won't heal,
thank you.

My God, look at your eyes.
They're as blue as window
cleaner, Bobby Lee.

That's Bobby Ray.
Bobby Lee's a girl.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, sorry. Is that
your girlfriend ?

No. I don't got
one of those.

Girlfriend, I mean.
I got a name, Bobby Ray,
but you know that.

Oh ! I'm sorry.

They have a mind
of their own, you know.

Oh, my goodness.

God, that was so brave,
what you did back over there.

Aw.
No, really.

You were just like a regular
knight in shining pickup truck !

Stop it.
No, really.
What time are you--

Ay, Bobby !
Oh, my God.

Ohh!

That's so romantical.

Oh, God.

I don't have the words.

Uh, well, don't cry,
Miss Chi Chi.

Please don't cry.

Miss Chi Chi,
if you were my girl,

you'd never cry
for anything.

Except maybe
from happiness.

You said a mouthful.

Let's go.

Don't think that I can't
see you, Miss Bobby Lee.

Come, come.

So you are Virgil and
Carol Ann's eldest, am I right ?

Yeah.
How did you know ?

I'm the eldest
in my family too.

Wow.
I picked these
for your mom.

They only grow
in darkness and dank.

Oh, but, sweetness,
how they blossom.

You know a lot.

Oh, please.
[ Chuckles ]

I guess it's all
on account of
what you really are.

'Cause Bobby Ray told me
what you really are.

He did ?
Yeah.

You're
a career girl.

Ohh ! Yes, yes.
[ Laughs ]

I'll never be like that.

Oh, no, you can be anything
you want. It's--

[ Inhales ]
You just imagine
good things happening...

and you make them happen.

Oh. Well.

What if what I want
to imagine is a boy
I want to go out with ?

You might want to set your
sights a tiny bit higher.

Just to start,
and then I'll work on
the career girl stuff?

Well--

[ Noxeema ]
Miss Vida seems to think
that I don't have a dream.

I'm not Martin Luther King!
I don't need a dream.
I have a plan.

You know, I'm gonna
tell you what it is,

because instinctively,
I knew I could trust you.

Being that you're not
a big talker and everything.

My plan is that
while in Hollywood,

I will be approached
by an eminent producer--

at the Ivy,
no doubt--

to star in the lush
film version...

of the life of
Miss Dorothy Dandridge !

Oh,yes.

That noble blacktress--
who never played domestic help--

and then whose career
was crushed by the white
Hollywood machine.

Homegirl
ended up dying penniless.

I can remember almost everything
she's ever done.

From Serenade Sun Valley
to, um, Bahama Passage.

Ooh, gorgeous
performance in there.

And then after that was
Hit Parade of'43.

Drums of the Congo.
No, no, no.

Drums of the Congo.
Then Hit Parade of'43.

Then, between that
and Carmen Jones,
she did something--

Road. Road. Road.
The Bright Road.

Thank you. Carmen Jones.
And then Island in the Sun.

And of course,
her costar in Carmen Jones...

was the remarkable
Miss Pearl Bailey,

whose birthday, I think,
should be a national
bankin' holiday, and--

Did you say something ?

Hmm. Carmen Jones.
Then Island in the Sun.

Then Decks Ran Red.

Then-- oh, yes--
Porgy and Bess.

Oh, spectacular !
Then there was, uh, uh--

Tamango.
Tamango.

Malaga.
Malaga.

Honey, when did you
start talkin' ?

You wanna try
Lena Horne ?

Go, girl.

Feature debut, 1 942.

[ Together]
Panama Hattie!

[ Laughs ]
That's wonderful !

That is just wonderful.

You're not gonna start
walkin' across water...

and makin' the blind see,
are you ?

You put spices in here.

Some fell in.
I scooped 'em out.

You do this to make me mad.

Why do you wanna
make me mad ?
I scooped 'em out.

What are you arguin'
with me for ?
Do you want me to hit ya ?

Ha !

Take 'em out.

[ Police Radio,
Indistinct ]

Uh,JimmyJay ?
Joe.

Uh,JimmyJay ?
Joe.

Oh,JoeJay, um--
JimmyJoe.
JimmyJoe.

Can we have one ladies'cocktail
and a Shirley Temple.
Clara !

Hey, girls.
Sit here.

Hi, I'm Noxeema.
How do you do ?

Noxeema Jackson.
Noxeema ?

Mm-hmm.
Jesse's daughter.

So, Beatrice,
what are we working on ?

We are working on decorations
for the Strawberry Social.

Strawberry Social ?
It's the biggest thing
in these parts.

We all make strawberry pies,
you see, we take 'em
into the center of town.

Then we eat
the strawberry pies...
and then we go home.

[Jukebox.Ballad ]

Oh, l-lovely.
Un fete champetre.
[ Giggles ]

Uh, may I ?
Oh, please.

So, is there music
and dancing and--

We used to have
a hollerin'contest,

but some people
don't care for that.

We give out ribbons
for the best strawberry pie.

This party craves a theme.
What do strawberries say
to anyone here ?

Hmm ?
Well, um--

Strawberries are red.

Good, um...
that's a start.

Wild strawberries.
Yes, wonderful.

Red and wild.
That's your theme.
[ Beatrice ] What ?

[ Vida ]
Red and wild is our theme.

You know what we
should have today ?

- A day with the girls.
- A day with the girls.

We have got to finish
these posters, and somebody
has to drive me to Greenville.

I've always dreamed ofhaving
a day with the girls,

like in New York
high society.

Merna, what's
a day with the girls ?

Well, Katina, um--
Well, first you do
volunteer work.

And then you get your hair done
and you pick out a new outfit.

And then, uh, you go sit
in a cafe and talk.

I've never heard
that expression before.

I'm Merna, by the way.
I run the local beauty parlor.

Beauty parlor ?

Well, here--
here it is.

Ohhh !

Ohhh !

[ Gasps ]

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Boys Whistling, Taunting ]

It's like living
in a Tex Avery cartoon.

I think we should
just ignore them.

Here she comes.
Look at her.

- Oh, no, no, Noxie, please.
- What's all this noise ?

Oh, baby ! You are
a whole lot of woman.

Oh, yes, I know
what you need.

I hardly think you're
the man to give it to me.

[ Laughter]
Oh, no !

[ Muttering ]
Uh-huh.

Thank you.

I think you should
apologize to me.

[ Laughing ]

And I also think
you should apologize to
those ladies over there.

I ain't apologizin'
to no ladies.

No way.
Uh-uh !

Just as I expected.
Well, do you like my nails ?

- Owww !
- [ Gasps ]

[ Groaning ]
Walk.

What can I say ?
She's had a difficult life.

What did you say
your name was ?
[ Groaning ]

Your name.
Tommy.

Tommy ! Tommy !
Well, Tommy,

this is Miss Vida
and Miss Clara.

And this is Miss Katina
and Miss Merna.

Miss Loretta and, of course,
Miss Little Bobby Lee.

Now, Tommy,
when you encounter
such gorgeous ladies,

the correct way
to greet them is to say,

''Good afternoon, ladies.''

Can you say that, Tommy?

Ohhh !
Good afternoon, ladies.

Unless, of course,
it's the evening,
and then you say what ?

Ohhh !
Good evening, ladies.

Now, go home, take a bath,
comb your hair...

and please, put on
a clean shirt when you
step outside your door.

It's an affront
to the very delicacy
of my nature.

[ Groaning ]

Miss Clara.

[ Women Muttering ]

[ Sighs ]
You just gotta know
how to talk to people.

And four...
and a-five...

and a-six...
and a-seven...

and a-eight.

Children, and one,
plie on two.

And three,
open knees, four.

- [ Door Opens ]
- Come, come, come.

Hello, you handsome thing.

All right. Oh,
slightly blue-collar.
No. No. No.

We just ha-have wh-what's
on the f-floor.

[ Sighs ]
I don't think we're
gonna have much luck.

[ Vida Chuckles ]
It is looking somewhat serious.

[ Noxeema Screams ]
Ohh! Oh, my-- Oh, my God!

- Noxie, what ? Speak to me.
- Oh ! Uh, th-- Oh, oh !

[ Women Chattering ]
Oh ! Oh ! Oh !
I can't believe it !

Oh ! Look !
They're from the '60s.

[ Women Gasping ]

There's a whole bunch
of them over here!

Th-Th-That's just
s-stuff my grandma bought
when she opened it.

It never s-s-s-sold,
and she never s-s-sent it back.

And we were gonna g-give it
to the Good-Good-Good--

Oh, this one's
definitely not--
Good-Good-Good--

- Can you believe ?
- Good-Good-Good--

Oh, my God, look at this !
Oh, look, look !

Ooh, Miss Clara, honey,
we gonna make you look
like Emma Peel ! Sorry.

Goodwill.

- [ Shrieking ]
- Oh, yes, for me !

No, no, no, no, no.
This is mine.

Oh, this is fringe, honey. Oh !
I think I'm gonna black out.

Another town, another place

A little neighbor
leaves a spread on my face

Well, lace underwear

I do my nails

Make up my eyes
and I tease out my hair

I get my pumps
and I put on some hose
Good afternoon.

Dress up my clothes
and I'll leave you alone

It makes me feel
so mighty real

Run in my stockings
Hey, it ain't no big deal

Turn it out
You've got to turn it out

[ Continues ]
This book has been
sort of a--

a bible for me,
and, well, here.

D-D. V. ?

A-A-Autobiography
of D-Diana V-V-Vreeland?

Uh-huh.
And I-I-I-I-I
should read this ?

Oh, hon, you should
commit sections to memory.

Ooh, check yourself,
Loretta... before
you wreck yourself.

Turn up the runner
while I powder my nose

Turn on the spotlight
Gonna strike up a pose

Well, the savoir faire
My derriere

[ Laughing ]
I'll let you out
and not get you back

Yeah, turn it out
You've got to turn it out

Lookin'like a luminary
extraordinary singer

Actin' real proud of yourself,
like a New York City girl, huh ?

God, it's still too spicy !

I scooped 'em out.
Hey, don't argue with me.

No, I'm not !
'Cause if you argue with me,
you're gonna lose !

I am not arguing
with you.
It's too goddamn hot !

[ Noxeema ]
Eartha... [ Purrs ]
Miss Kitt to you.

Dinah Washington ?
Sittin'on a shelf
gettin'all dusty!

Honey, we should play these.
The air should be filled
with music.

Ooh !
[ Sighs ]

[ Eartha Kitt
Singing In French ]

Here, put this on.
Oh, no.

Why ?
No, no, I can't do that.
It's too big.

Honey, it can never
be too big. Come on.
No.

Dance with me.

[ Muttering ]
[ Laughs ]

[ Continues ]
''That season we were
loaded with pizazz.

''Earrings of fuchsia
and peach.

''Mind you, peach.

''And hats.
Hats, hats, hats.

''Hats for career girls.

How I adored Paris.''

Oh,JimmyJoe, this is not
just a restaurant anymore.

You have turned it
into a-- a lovely cafe.

[ Chuckles ]
Cafe.
Cafe.

Now what you do is
slap a dollar surcharge
on every bill out here--

Paid for.
Thank you mightily,
Miss Vida.

I've got a secret romance.
Couldn't you just lose it ?

To say the least.

I've got a secret
romance too.

Oh, shut up.
For real?

And this secret romance
is very handsome, I hear.
Miss Vida.

Oh, mine too.
What a ''coinky-dinky.''
And he's so sweet.

Oh, mine too, and,
oh, he's so strong.

Ay, m'hija, let me tell you.
My papi is built like a brick--

Let's go, Miss Chi Chi.
Ow ! I broke my foot !
What's the matter with you ?

Now, Bobby Lee, listen.
The way to make things
happen is imagine.

Imagine.

[ Eartha Kitt ]
Doesn't have to be

Imagine.
Aprince or movie star

A Texas oil man
or a French marquis

Doesn't have to be

[ Sighs ]
Handsome as a picture

[ Sobbing ]
An ordinary guy's
all right with me

[ Singing In French ]

[ Vida ]
Oh, Carol Ann, what on earth ?

[ Crying ]
Oh, I'm just so clumsy.
I mean--

Oh, Virgil yelled at me, and
then he called out to me.

And then, well,
I just spilt the stew.

Hon, do you, like,
ever not cry in this room ?

[ Laughter, Chattering ]

[ Laughter, Chattering ]

[ Noxeema ]
Mmm ! Guess what I see.

[ Carol Ann ]
I spy with my little eye.

What is this ?
Somebody's comin' courtin'.

Oh, Miss Vida !
I just kept thinkin'
it was happenin'.

I imagined
just like you said.

Is that who you have
your little brown roots set on ?

- Yeah.
- Shush.

No, mamita, please.

Evenin', ladies.

Good evening,
Bobby Ray.
Buenas noches.

I, uh, come to ask somebody
out to the sociable.

Well, I declare.
I declare.

- I declare.
- I decline.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, uh, it's tomorrow
afternoon, so I best be askin'.

Uh...
[ Clears Throat ]

Bobby Lee ?

Yes, Bobby Ray ?

Could you do me a favor and
take the little ones inside ?

I think I need to talk
to Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez
in private.

Oh, Bobby Lee, mamita,
don't be so sensitive !

Bobby Lee !
She's so sensitive.
It's not the way of the world.

[ Chi Chi ]
I didn't know this
was gonna happen. I can't--

Uh, Miss Chi Chi?

Would you come back
in an hour ?
Uh--

Oh,just-- Shh.
Just say yes, okay ?

It's absolutely
out of the question.

[ Chi Chi ]
Well, says you. I'm going,
and you can't stop me.

Darling, you most certainly
will not be going out
with Mr. Bobby Ray.

Well, why not ?
We got a lot in common.

Like for starters,
the same business
between your legs.

Boinky-boinky,
boink-boink-boink.

And if he ever gets
a whiff of your wiles--
Oh, here we go again.

It's the ''Why I'm Always Right
And You're Wrong'' song...

sung by Her Lonely
''Breastesess'' herself.

Let me ask you, Vida,
what do you know
about relationships ?

Who loves you, baby ?
Oh, be quiet, Chi Chi.
You're deluding yourself.

Nobody, that's who.
Not even your rich mommy
and daddy. Okay ?

Oh ! Oh, I know
what this is about.
This is about jealousy.

You're jealous 'cause I'm going out
with a cute boy and you ain't.
Hello, good-bye !

You are deceiving that child.
That boy does not know
which end is up,

and you know for a fact
that Miss Bobby Lee
is in love with him.

So what ?
So what if she is ?

Maybe I want to get a little something
out of this. What's wrong with that ?

Miss Girl is dealing
with some demons over there.

And I will not allow you
to play games with other people.
Allow ? Allow ?

There are human rules
by which we operate, sweetheart.

You know, I'm just
so sick and tired of this
freakazoid white lady...

tellin' the black lady
and the Latin lady which way
is up, down and under.

You can laugh all you want,
but I hope you pack and fix that
Cadillac, 'cause I'm staying.

You're stayin', huh ?
Well, all right,
Miss Jennifer Holliday.

[ Chuckling ]
You go ahead and stay.
Don't forget to write.

Oh, Noxie,
she truly does have
a pinata for a head.

Don't go there, Vida.
Well, she certainly is an
oppressive gringa with a pinga.

And you are
a puta Spanish fly.
Don't go there.

And you are an uptight
cellulite dinosaur fossil-faced
white honky cracker witch !

Now you listen to me, you
little swayback, Third World,

She went there.
selfish, self-absorbed
piece of street trash!

Selfish ?
You're the selfish one !

Running into people's houses
and bossing their lives around
with them not even asking you !

- Mrs. Dear Ann Landers,
pain in my culo--
- How dare you think that--

- Mrs. Dear Ann Landers,
pain in my culo--
- How dare you think that--

[ Arguing, Clattering ]
What's that noise ?

You wanna know
what that noise is ?
D-Did you hear ?

That's you running
into everybody's house--
Shut up, Chi Chi !

When I look at you,
it makes me wanna throw up,

and your mother's
waiting to lick it up.

- Virgil's beating up Carol Ann.
- Most likely.

Well, we have to help her.

Well, we have to help her.

Oh, no, no, no.
See, Vida, there are times
when you help people,

and then there are times
when if you help people,
you end up being killed.

So you don't help people !

Well, she trusts me,
and I trust her.

Honey, there's a fine line
between trust and stupidity.

And there are some people
you don't trust,

because they will use it
to stab you in the ribs.

I thought you had learned
more than this, Noxeema.

I thought you had learned
to mind your own business.

What is going on upstairs
has nothing to do with you.
Nothing.

You deal with what's going
on right here, right now.

Mami, save it.
Everybody's business is
her business, remember ?

[ Noxeema ]
You go ahead, girl.
You're gonna get screwed.

Vida, you're not a queen
'cause you rule people
or you sit on a throne.

You're a queen 'cause you
couldn't cut it as a man, so
you had to put on a dress.

What did you say ?
You heard me.

I've had quite enough--

[ Shouting, Clattering ]

- [ Crying ]
- What the hell?

Oh, Vida, it's okay.
Carol Ann ?

No, no, no.
I'm sorry, but I cannot
take this anymore.

Noxie, would you take care
of Miss Carol Ann ?

Virgil and I have something
we must discuss.

So, Virgil, I gather
you like hitting ladies.

Some ladies need to get hit.

Uh-huh. Then, conversely,
some men need to be hit back.

Ohhh !

Ahhh !

Oh, God, oh, God, no!
Virgil's gonna hurt Vida so bad.

Carol Ann, there's
something you should
know about Vida, mami.

Well--
[ Glass Shattering ]

Vida works out.
Vida works out, yeah.

A lot.

[ Horns Honking ]

All right, move ahead.

All right, go ahead.

Move on.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, man !
Sometimes I think we should
just get rid of all the men.

[ Vida Stammering ]
Oh, well, not all of--
the s-- them are bad.

No, no, we're just gonna
get rid of all the men.

[ Noxeema ]
Uh-uh, honey. You'rejust
post-traumatized battery--

Well, well,
maybe Mister Rogers.

I mean, he does
seem sensitive.

[ Chuckling ]
Well, Mel Gibson.

I mean,
he has a cute can.
Oh, please.

Yeah, and he can stay,
but he's not allowed
to think or speak.

Psst.

Shhh.

[ Quiet Chuckle ]

Oh, my goodness.
You're always on time,
aren't you ?

And twice as sweet,
as usual.

I guess you're never
gonna disappoint me, huh ?

How could I disappoint you ?
I'm your knight in shining
green pickup truck, remember.

Of course I remember.
My knight in shining--
whatever that was.

Oh, God, it's so beautiful
out tonight, isn't it ?

Yeah.

You know, my whole life I've
always wanted someone...

who would understand
how I felt inside,

and someone who would
hold me for always.

And then you showed up,
and you were it.

You made me feel like
the most perfect girl.

I don't have to do that.
You are the perfect girl.

Sorry, no.
No, I mean it.
I mean, you're beautiful.

Please.
You've got class.
You got glamour.

Oh, shut up.
You're exotic.

Stop.

Oh, don't stop.

And there's--
there's somethin' about
the way that you talk.

You know,
like no nonsense.

Like, oh, you'd never
lie to me, you know.

You'd never keep
a secret from me.

No, I-I really
respect that. I-I do.

What is it ?

What did I say ?

Oh, it's-- Oh.

If you really love someone,
you could keep one big secret
from them. � Verdad ?

No.
No ?

I really feel that
if you love somebody
with all of your heart,

then you could never
keep a secret from them.

You couldn't even sit
on one little teeny lie ?

No.
No ?

No matter how big
or how small.

Tsk.

[ Sighs ]

[ Carol Ann ]
Okay, so we're saving
Mel Gibson--

[ Vida ]
Mmm, but with a gag.

[ Carol Ann ]
Right. Mister Rogers,
Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington.

[ Noxeema ]
With the pelican briefs.

And Bobby Ray.

Yeah,you mustn't
forget about Bobby Ray.

Listen, Bobby Lee,
I've been thinking about
a lot of things lately,

and I don't want Bobby Ray,
you know, 'cause he's
such a local, right ?

So go ahead. You could--
You could have him.

Just take him.
He's yours, baby.
Go ahead, take him.

Good for you.

- Chi Chi ?
- What ?

That was so very generous of you
putting someone else's needs
before your own.

[ Vida ]
It was special.

It was step three.

Mmm. Mmm.
Absolutely
step three:

''Abide by the rules
of love.''

[ Noxeema ]
Utterly, utterly fabulous.

Sit here.
[ Carol Ann ]
Here, honey.

Chi Chi?

I am so very sorry
that... I called you...

a swayback, Third World,
little whatever.

I didn't mean it.

Oh, it's all right, baby.
I deserved it.

And I'm sorry I called you
a dinosaur, cellulite,

white trash,
farty old white woman.

[ Laughing ]

Forgiven ?
Forgiven.

You are lovely.

You're too much.

Are you serious about Bobby Ray,
Miss Chi Chi ?

Baby, you could have him.
I got a million
dream lovers, all right.

I've got a broken heart
for every light on Broadway.

When one of them goes out,
I just screw in another one.
Hello, good-bye !

[ Movie Theme ]

[ Movie Theme ]

I think I see him.

No. Oh, Moses !

I have lived in apartments
that weren't half as big
as these pores.

Oh, let's stay positive.

Bobby Lee, you just ignore
your old Auntie Noxie...

and look at that
videotape over there.
I know, I know.

That is Miss Anne Baxter
in The Ten Commandments,
and those are the moves.

[ Noxeema ]
All right, let's see.
Uh-uh, she needs more lips.

I can't.
You can and you
will, darling.

But I'm not Miss Anne Baxter
in The Ten Commandments.

No one is asking
you to be.

You just take her strength,
her mystery, her moves,
and you find your own.

Uh-uh-uh. Look, honey,
if you want them to know
there is steak for dinner,

you've got to let 'em
hear it sizzle.

Mm-hmm.
Understand ?

Yeah.
All right.

Thanks.
Best of luck.

Oh, Chi Chi,
he won't like me.

Oh, baby, trust me,
he's gonna love you,
all right ?

'Cause, baby,
you got the look, mami.
You certainly do.

And do the eyes thing
I taught you, all right ?

That's right.
And be honest with him.

All right ?
He deserves that.

Okay.
All right.

Thanks.
I gotta go.

Okay.
I got cramps.

Mama.

[ Footsteps ]
[ Clears Throat, Sighs ]

[ Bobby Ray ]
Chi Chi?

Bobby Ray, come here.

Hello ?

[ Chuckles ]
Oh... hello.

Bobby Lee ?

Roberta.

Oh, Roberta.

Wow ! You really
look pretty.

Sure is a pretty dress
you're wearing.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh... this old thing ?

Well, Roberta...
would you, um--

Wow ! You really
look good in that dress.

Oh, Bobby Ray,
Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray.

Would you like
to dance with me ?

Hold me, hold me
Miss Beatrice ?

Never let me go
I've waited 23 years
to ask you this.

Until you've told me
May I have this dance ?

Oh, my gracious !
Told me
What I want to know

And then just hold me

Hold me

Make me tell you
I'm in love with you

Thrill me, thrill me

Walk me down the lane

Where shadows will be

Will be

Hiding lovers just the same

As we'll be, we'll be

When you make me tell you
I love you

They told me be sensible

With your new love

Don't be fooled thinking
this is the last you'll find

You know, pumpkins ?
What ?

Sometimes it just
takes a fairy.

But they never stood
in the dark with you, love
[ Sighs ]

[ All Sighing ]
When you take me
in your arms

And drive me
slowly out of my mind

Kiss me, kiss me

And when you do I know
that you will miss me--

Men...
acting like women.

Men wanting to be
with one another.

Men touching each other.

Their stubbly chins...

rubbing up against
one another.

[Jukebox.
''Behind Closed Doors'']

[ Sighs ]
Touching each other.

Manly hands...

touching swirls
of chest hair.

Occasional... whiff
of a rugged after-shave.

Their low baritone voices...

sighing, grunting.

When you turn out
the lights

[ Sighs ]
They hold one another...

in-- in manly,
masculine arms.

Hold one another.

And when we get
behind closed doors

Tight.
When she lets her hair--

[ People Chattering ]

Wait for me

And say you'll never leave

They said
that you made somebody cry

Somebody cry

[ Continues ]

How are you doing ?
Okay. I'm doing okay.

[ Bartender ]
What can I get you ?
That's gone wrong

Bourbon.
'Cause I ain't gonna cry
all alone

Hey, won't you play
This your shoe ?

Another ''somebody
done somebody wrong''song
No, not my shoe.

But I'm lookin'
for the person that
wore that shoe.

[ People Laughing,
Chattering ]

Now, the ratchet.
Um, the ratchet--
The ratchet-- Ah.

You know, if I could
get this to work,

you may get this baby
on the road.

Really ?
That would be wonderful !
Yeah.

Of course, um...
I'm sure you'll be wanting...

to stick around
for the Strawberry Social
this afternoon.

Um, C-Carol--
Uh, uh--
Yeah, Vida--

You know,

I wouldn't be lying
if I were to say...

that I was really
gonna miss you.

I mean, I think
it's really important...

for a woman...
to have lady friends.

Oh, Carol Ann, I--

If we're going to be
friends, there really is
something I should tell you.

Adam's apple ?

What ?
Adam's apple.

Women don't have
Adam's apples.

Only men have
Adam's apples.

And the first night
you came to town,

I noticed that you had yourself
an Adam's apple.

Then, then you know ?

I know...

that I'm very fortunate
to have a lady friend...

who just happens to have
an Adam's apple.

Now, let's just see
what we got here.

[ Engine Starts ]
Whoo !
[ Laughing ]

You did it !
Oh, yes !
All right !

[ Laughing ]
Oh, God, I ain't
ever gonna be right !

[ Dispatcher On Radio,
Indistinct ]

[ Tires Squealing,
Engine Revving ]

[ Wind Whistling ]

Ta-da !
How do I look ?

Like the Miami Sound Machine
just exploded all over you.
Hmm!

[ On Megaphone ]
I got this town surrounded !
There's no escape !

I know those drag queens
are out here!

If you just come out
with your hands up,
no one will get hurt.

Oh, what fresh hell
is this ?

It's the possibly dead
Sheriff''Dullard.''
[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Chi Chi ]
He doesn't look
like he's dead.

[ Dollard ]
I know them drag queens
is here,

and I'm not leaving
this town without 'em!

None of you good people
need get involved.

All I want's
them drag queens !

Don't protect these freaks !

I know they're hidin'here!

These weirdos comin'in here,
these boys in dresses,

What ? Boys
in dresses ?

corrupting you
with their way oflife,

changing the way
things have always been !

I really don't think
that's what you want !

Whoever belongs
to this shoe,

come forth now !

There's Miss Vida.
Come on.

[ Brakes Squealing ]

I believe
that shoe is mine.

- You ain't the one.
- She's not the one.

Back off, Virgil.

I am a drag queen.

I know there's drag queens
in this town !

And I ain't leavin'
'til they get outta here !

Can I have
my shoe, please ?

You're a drag queen ?

Nothin' this pretty
could be real.
[ Laughter]

You wanna touch
my... boa ?

That's my shoe.
1 0-1 /2 B.

Girlfriend.
Boy in a dress.

Give me a kiss, big boy.
Guess that makes me
the Drag King.

[ Little Earnest ]
Hell, I'm a drag queen too!
[ Merna ] Arrest us, baby.

I'm a drag queen over here.

You can just
drag yourself--
[ Crowd Howling, Taunting ]

- What're you so afraid of?
- [ All Taunting ]

[ Taunting Continues ]
You people
are gonna regret this.

You're gonna regret this.

You have no idea
how dangerous,
[ Crowd Shouting ]

how dangerous
these people really are !

No idea !
You're gonna regret it !
[ Shouting Continues ]

All of you
are gonna regret it !
I promise you will !

[ Shouting, Applause ]

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

[ Car Door Closes,
Engine Starts ]

[ Knocking ]

Miss Vida ?

Auntie Noxie ?

[ Cheering,
Shouting Continue ]

Ah.

Are you hearing this ?
Yes.

I didn't even wanna come
here, and now these people
are standing up for us.

It's beautiful.
Oh !

You know, Vida,

you were
absolutely right.

A-About what ?

I mean,
now I realize that...
you gotta take chances.

Because you never know.
You know what I mean ?

What the hell !
I'm not gonna worry about
if people accept me or not.

I'm gonna make Hollywood
wherever I am at.
Yes.

[ Giggling ]
[ Giggling ]

I would like...

Stand up, Vida.

I, I would like...

to go to Bala Cynwyd,
Pennsylvania,

[ Sniffles ]
and walk into that...

imitation
Tudor-style house,

Yeah, stand up,
m'hija, stand up !

and I will say,

''My name is
Miss Vida Bohemme...
Go ahead, girl !

''and your approval
is not needed,

That's right, approval
neither desired nor required.

but I will take
your acceptance.''

All right.

Me too. Me too.
I-I wanna stand up
from now on. I'm going to.

And when I find
my honest and true love,
I'm never gonna let him go.

Nuh-uh. And I don't care
what my cousin Lysette says.
I don't care.

I mean, everything I touch
doesn't turn into ca-ca.
� Verdad?

What does she know ?
That's right.

And I wanna try
and find a foundation...

that's a little closer
to my actual skin tone.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Band Plays ]
[ People Singing ]

[ Continues ]

Deviants !
Look at 'em !

Look at 'em !
Perverts.

I'll tell you one thing,
when the Founding Fathers...

wrote the Declaration
of Independence and the
Constitution and what have you--

''liberty and justice for all''--
they didn't mean them.

Well, I can tell you
one thing about them
Founding Fathers of America.

What's that ?
They sure had
fabulous wigs.

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

Ah ! Ohh !

Be good to me

No, no, no, no, no !

Will you dance
with me, girl

Ooh, ooh, ahh

Do it now
Do what you wanna do

[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Continues ]

Do what you wanna do

You gotta feel it.

Do what you wanna do

[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]

Do what you wanna do

[ Noxeema ]
Dance, you pretty thing !

This was
my Aunt Martha's dress.

Oh !
I thought
you could use it.

She was real big
in the shoulders.
Thank you, girl !

Oh, sweet pea !

Now, you listen
to your Auntie Vida.

I want you to believe
in yourself, imagine
good things... and moisturize.

I cannot
stress this enough.
[ Laughing ]

Oh !
Miss Noxeema ?

Miss Clara.

Now listen,
when you get to Hollywood,
Yes ?

you give this letter
to Mr. Robert Mitchum.

Oh, I will.
I will, I promise you.
I'll guard it with my life.

Uh-huh.
Thank you.
I'm gonna miss you.

Oh ! I'm gonna
miss you too.

Good-bye.
Bye.

Oh !

I hope she leaves me
those albums in her will.

All right.
Now, let's see.
Can I hear it ?

Good afternoon.
Ooh, sounds wonderful !

And look at the shirt.
The shirt is fierce
and the hair is workin'.

Get along now.
You take care.

Oh, vaya con Dios,
Miss Chi Chi.

[ Chuckles ]
You're ruining my language,
and I still love you.

[ Kisses ]
These all grow wild
around here.

You all grow wild
around here, I swear.

This reminds me of
the story of Princess Laritza
in Revenge of the Wench.

Everybody was giving her
flowers 'cause they thought
she was dead, right ?

But she had taken
this magical concoction--
Well, anyway, bye-bye.

Bye.
Bye.

Vida.

Come with us.
Please ?

Oh... Lord.

If you had any idea
of how many nights
I've lain awake and--

[ Sighs ]
Just thinkin' about
how to get out of here.

But... it's my home.

Besides, I got
these girls to raise.

I know.

I love you,
Miss Vida Bohemme.

Oh !

[ Sniffles, Sighs ]

I've waited my whole life
to hear those words
said to that name.

And I'm very, very,
very happy...

that you're the one
to say them.

What ?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Whispering ]
I have a lovely idea.

[ Sniffles ]
Ah.

[ Sighs ]
I want you to have this.

I don't-- I don't know
if you know who she is.
Oh, no, it's Julie Newmar.

Oh ! God, I always thought
she was so statuesque.

My feelings exactly !

[ Together]
Well--

Vida!

I don't think of you
as a man,

and I don't think of you
as a woman.

I think of you
as an angel.

I think that's healthy.

[ Chuckles ]

[ All Shouting ]

Good-bye !

[ Woman ]
Bye-bye, Vida !

[ Drumroll ]

[ Male Announcer ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Hey now, hey now

What's the matter--

the winner of this year's
Drag Queen of America Contest.
[ Continues ]

Come on
Hey now, hey now

What's the matter
with you

Girls just a-wanna have
fun now
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah

Come up in the morning light
Step four. Larger than life.
It's just the right size.

My mother says, When you
gonna live your life right
[ Applause, Cheering ]

[ Announcer ]
Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez!
[ Cheering, Applause ]

Oh, mama dear
we're not the fortunate ones

And girls
just wanna have fun

Whoa, girls
just wanna have

Hey now, hey now

What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have
fun now, come on

[ Announcer ]
Presenting the crown.
Miss Julie Newmar!

My father asks, Whatcha
gonna do with your life

Oh, Daddy dear,you know
you're still number one

But girls
they wanna have fun

But girls
they wanna have fun

Oh, girls
they wanna have

That's all
they really w-a-a-a-nt

Some f-u-u-u-n

When the working day
is done

You know girls
They wanna have fun

Come on, ohh
Hey now, hey now

What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have
fun now

Come on
Hey now, hey now

Oh, mama dear
we're not the fortunate ones
What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have
fun now

Do you wanna be free

Ohh, ohh

Do you wanna be free

Just free yourself

Just free yourself

Take a look at yourself
What do you see

A willing victim
of mediocrity

No one told you
you can't have it all

It's time to act up
and never fall

You got to free yourself

Gonna change that vibe

Free yourself
Leave your past behind

See yourself
In a different light

There is no one else
Just free yourself

There'll be those who say
what you're doing is wrong

You can't listen to fools
You've got to be strong

Close your eyes
and face what you can be

To all
To all is fantasy

I can't tell you
how to go to

To the head of the class

Ordinary is so scary
Ordinary,yeah

Just leave it in the past

You got to
Free yourself

From chains that bind

Why don't you free yourself

Leave the past behind

It's time
to see yourself
In a different light

Fear for no one else
Just free yourself

Free yourself
Free yourself

Why don't you
free yourself
Free, free,yeah

It's time
to see yourself
Yeah

Yeah,yeah,yeah

Just free yourself

Free yourself
Free yourself

Free yourself
Free, free

See yourself

Come on, free
Ain't no one else

Free yourself

No one

Free yourself
Free yourself

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,yeah

Ohh, ohh

Just free yourself
Do you wanna be free

I can show you
how to go to
I can take you

The head of your class

Ordinary is so scary

Leave it in the past

Free yourself
Of chains that bind

Why don't you
free yourself

Leave the past behind

It's time
to see yourself

In a different light

And no one ever
Yeah
Just free yourself

Free yourself
Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah

Why don't you
free yourself

Don't you want to be free

It's time to free yourself