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1
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,720
Do you lot not get bored of this?
2
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:33,760
Like, I appreciate you've
got a job to do,
3
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,680
but does it not get a bit boring,
just following us two about?
4
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,760
Who is this even aimed at?
5
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,600
Because no-one we know watches it.
6
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,680
No birthday posts yet.
7
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,520
Well, it is
only half five in the morning,
8
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,800
but I would have expected at least
a couple of nighthawkers by now.
9
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:12,280
Nighthawkers are basically people
who stay up late on Facebook
10
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,800
and they post just after
midnight on your wall.
11
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,120
They get a fuck-off buzz out of it,
apparently.
12
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,480
Fuck knows why.
13
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,560
Oh, yes, Grumps.
14
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,840
"Get it together this year,
Ker, love, Grumps."
15
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,440
Aw. That's my Grumps, that is.
16
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,320
He looks like a laugh here,
17
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,880
but in real life,
he's a nasty old bastard.
18
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,480
Yep? All right? Do you reckon you
could sign a card for me?
19
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,280
Yeah, who's it for?
For Kerry. It's her birthday.
20
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,720
Oh, I don't know.
21
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,640
I'm snowed under here, Kurtan.
22
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,320
But it would literally take
two seconds.
23
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,960
Just sign it "Dad", I'll
do the rest. No, can't do that.
24
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,640
Why? I don't want
the emotional implications.
25
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,280
Well, just sign it "Martin", then.
26
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,480
I can't, ain't got a pen.
27
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:08,720
I've got a pen here, look.
28
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,480
Oh, give it here. It's really
inconvenient though, Kurtan.
29
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,440
You just signed it "M".
Yeah, M for Martin.
30
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:32,840
Unbelievable.
31
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,480
Oh, here he comes.
Here comes postman!
32
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,200
Pretending to walk past my house.
33
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,280
Julian! Julian!
34
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,880
You walking past my house, are you?
35
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:54,920
Oh, no post, is it?
36
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,080
He always does this.
37
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,360
He tries to wind me up,
because he pretends he ain't got
38
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,000
any post for me when he actually
has, and he'll just come back.
39
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,400
He's getting in his car.
40
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,960
Oh, you're getting in your car,
are you? Driving away?
41
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,120
He knows it's my birthday as well.
It's such a laugh.
42
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,840
Look at him, he goes to so much
effort to try and prank me.
43
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,520
ENGINE STARTS
Oh, driving away, is it?!
44
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,800
No post for Kerry, no?
45
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,840
He's driving away!
46
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:20,880
Such a laugh.
47
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,040
He... He's...
48
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,080
going away.
49
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,280
Yeah. He's not coming back.
50
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,880
That's a shame.
51
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,080
What?!
52
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,080
What?!
53
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,160
Yes, I'll do it later, then!
54
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,360
Yeah, but it's my birthday today!
55
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,320
Happy birthday to me.
56
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,240
Well, about five years ago,
57
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,880
I sold my birthday
to my mum for about 200 quid.
58
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,800
Which means my mum's
legally entitled now to never
59
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,440
celebrate my birthday ever again
for the rest of my life.
60
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:19,720
Not even, like, a happy birthday cup
of tea, or a Moonpig card, nothing.
61
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,280
Which is the worst decision
I ever made in my entire life.
62
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920
Because I got addicted to this
mobile phone game
63
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,520
where you
basically build a funfair,
64
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,320
and it was, like, a choice
between waiting 12 hours for my
65
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,800
dodgems to get erected or spending
a fiver on time machine tokens.
66
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,120
So, to cut a long story short,
67
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,720
I basically pissed 200 quid
up the wall.
68
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,360
In the space of a few hours,
on virtual nothingness.
69
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,360
The thing is about
Kerry's birthday is,
70
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,960
I have to make such a huge effort,
because no-one else does.
71
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,520
Like, even when it's my birthday,
72
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,160
I still have to go and get Kerry
a present, because otherwise
73
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,480
she'll just get jealous and sulk,
and it just ruins the day.
74
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,680
Oh!
75
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,240
Hang on, watch this, I love
doing this. This is brilliant.
76
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,280
Honestly.
77
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,520
You all right?
78
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,080
You getting on? What?
79
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,000
You getting on?
80
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,200
Erm... Nah.
81
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,240
Did you see that?
82
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,480
That was, that was brilliant.
83
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,440
That was just classic...
84
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,640
It's so simple, but
so much laughter comes from...
85
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:39,680
Brilliant.
86
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,720
He deserves that anyway, because
he's been sexting my nan, so.
87
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,960
The good thing about this year is
the vintage steam fair falls on my
88
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,880
birthday, which is basically my two
favourite days of the year combined.
89
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,360
The steam fair is a really fun,
family event.
90
00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,720
And it means a lot to Kerry,
91
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:04,360
she's a huge fan of all things
practical and mechanical.
92
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,760
There's going to be working
traction engines, tractors,
93
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,000
road rollers,
plenty of vintage steamers...
94
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,760
And I warn you now,
when we get there,
95
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,360
you will not be able to get a word
out of me sideways,
96
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,960
cos I will have died, and I will
have gone straight to heaven.
97
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,240
Happy birthday to you...
98
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,640
Here he is!
99
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,680
You were born in a loo...
I wasn't born in a loo. She was.
100
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,360
I was born in a bathroom, thanks.
Yeah, on the loo!
101
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,000
Yeah, only because my mum didn't
know she was pregnant with me.
102
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,960
She's a bit chipper today,
in't she?
103
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,680
Yeah, because she knows
it's my birthday
104
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,240
and she don't have to celebrate it.
105
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,680
That for me?
106
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:40,960
Is it?!
107
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,600
Guessed right. There you go.
108
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,720
Oh, cheers, Kurts!
109
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,760
No problemo.
110
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,640
I open it? Absolutely.
111
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,120
Screwfix catalogue?!
112
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,160
Yep.
113
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,640
Oh, my God,
that's the new one as well.
114
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,680
How'd you get your hands on that?
115
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,000
Don't worry about me, Ker,
friends in the right places.
116
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,520
It's Gibbo, innit,
that works at Screwfix?
117
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,320
Yeah.
118
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,960
Oh, this is absolutely mint.
119
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,960
Look at these
aluminium combination ladders!
120
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,200
Yeah. Oh, and I'm got another
surprise for you as well. Yeah?
121
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,200
Yeah. But it ain't here, we have to
go on a little trip to see it.
122
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,760
A trip? When? Now.
123
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,400
Yeah, but I don't really want to
miss the steam fair.
124
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,840
No, we won't miss steam fair.
125
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,160
Yeah? You've got ages.
I'm got it all planned.
126
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,760
It in't a SodaStream, is it?
127
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,640
No, why?
128
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,000
I just really like SodaStreams,
always wanted one. Really?
129
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,320
Yeah, Slugs had one, and he
carbonated a cup of tea with it.
130
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,480
Didn't taste very nice, but he was
pushing boundaries with it.
131
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,800
Yeah, got a
little surprise for Ker.
132
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,520
It's about a 40-minute walk outside
the village, though, but I feel
133
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,200
it's going to be worth it to see
the look on her sweet, little face.
134
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,080
She's going to love it. Will we be
coming home before we go steam fair?
135
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,840
Nah, we'll just get a bus
straight there after your surprise.
136
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,360
All right.
137
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,600
Oh, I'm knackered.
138
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,560
We only just started walking, Ker.
139
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,720
What's this surprise?
140
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,280
Because I need to know whether it's
going to be worth this walk.
141
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,760
It will be worth it, trust me.
142
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,680
Oh!
143
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,560
What? I know what it is. What?
144
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,080
Don't worry, I'll act surprised.
145
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,080
For what? You know what.
146
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,960
Kerry, you don't think we're
organising a surprise party for you?
147
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,800
I knew it.
No, no, because we're actually not.
148
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,520
You mustn't get your hopes up,
because it's not a surprise party.
149
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,680
That's what my dad told you to say,
isn't it?
150
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,960
No, Ker, don't wind me up,
151
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,800
because it's not a surprise party,
you need to understand that, yeah?
152
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,120
Listen to me, no fucking party.
153
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,920
Fine, no party.
154
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,600
Right.
155
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:47,720
Come on.
156
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,400
I'm got a packet of Rolos
in my pocket as well. Have you?
157
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,160
I'll give you one every 50 yards,
how about that?
158
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,560
That's a nice little incentive,
isn't it? Yeah, all right.
159
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,760
That's it, you're a good girl. Yeah.
160
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,160
We'd better be careful, Kurtan. Why?
161
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,680
All that, over there,
is Fox Twins territory.
162
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,160
No, because they only ever
stay in those woods
163
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,600
and we're going round, so not a
chance of bumping into them, really.
164
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,240
Oh, right.
165
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,960
Everyone in the village
knows about the Fox Twins.
166
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,200
Basically, over the years, there's
been sightings in the woods of
167
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,320
these two feral-like men, who walk
on their knuckles, on all fours.
168
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,200
And witnesses say they communicate
to each other
169
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,920
in their own language,
which sounds like fox calls.
170
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,640
Whenever livestock goes missing
in the farms around the village,
171
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,360
they're usually blamed.
172
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,080
And no-one knows how they got
here, either.
173
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,040
Yes, it's a fun story to
hear down the pub
174
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,800
in front of a roaring fire
of an evening,
175
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,840
and it's funny how this
kind of shared folklore
176
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,160
can bring people
together in a strange sort of way.
177
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,360
But do I believe in it?
178
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:02,680
Absolutely not.
179
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:03,840
I've seen them.
180
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,960
I've seen with me own eyes,
me and Tyson.
181
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,400
We was out in the woods
early one morning,
182
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,880
and we seen them hunched over,
183
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,440
eating what look like some sort
of an animal carcass.
184
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,520
Couldn't believe it.
It was terrifying.
185
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,880
And then, at exactly the same spot,
at exactly the same time,
186
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,320
a week later, I saw an alien.
187
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,680
My theory is that some dirty
bastard's shagged a fox,
188
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:28,040
and that fox ended up giving birth
189
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,920
to some sort of
fucked-up man/fox twins.
190
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,960
There's actually only one
dirty bastard
191
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,240
I know around here that would shag
a fox, and that's Len.
192
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,120
I've never done it with a fox.
193
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,600
Morning.
194
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,280
What the fuck? What?
195
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,960
Stuck-up git.
196
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,760
So rude. What, that guy?
197
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,880
Yeah, he just ignored me.
198
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,720
Who doesn't say morning?
199
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,200
When someone says morning,
who doesn't say it back?
200
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,160
That's just weird, that's rude. Oh,
just let it go. It doesn't matter.
201
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,160
Aw, look how sweet them sheep are.
202
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,400
Hello!
203
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,120
Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
204
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,160
Ah!
205
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:34,040
Don't...
Don't ever turn your back on them.
206
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,560
Don't turn your back on sheep.
207
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,480
Carry on, quick, quick, quick.
Go, go, go.
208
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,440
I've got your back,
I've got your back.
209
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,320
This is it, we're almost there.
210
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:56,360
Right, close your eyes.
211
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,200
Three, two, one...
212
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,240
Open!
213
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,360
There, up there! Look!
214
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:09,720
Oh, yeah.
215
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,720
How good is that?!
216
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,280
It's great.
217
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,800
It's really great.
Happy birthday, Ker.
218
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,200
Thanks, Kurts.
219
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,600
Right, now on to steam fair!
220
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,320
Happy birthday, Kerry Mucklowe.
221
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,200
Look at that.
222
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,480
I always see them
banners above the motorway,
223
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,880
and I always thought,
"Who the fuck does them?"
224
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,280
Well, now I know.
225
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,800
People like me.
226
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:37,840
Kurtan.
227
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,800
Did you know you can't
get stung by a stinging nettle
228
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,520
if you grab the leaf
top and bottom, like that?
229
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,960
It's only when you
touch it on the sides, it stings.
230
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,400
Ah, actually, that stung, then.
231
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,960
Oh, hurry up.
232
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,160
I wouldn't touch that if I were you.
233
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,320
Why? Pez dispenser, they're cursed.
234
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,160
They are, I'm not even joking.
235
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,640
Honestly, when I had one of them,
236
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,960
I had the worst bout of bad luck
I ever had in my life.
237
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,360
Why, what happened?
238
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:26,080
My dog died, I got ringworm,
credit crunch.
239
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,560
It's absolutely plain evil.
240
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,720
Don't you just think that's
coincidence, though?
241
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,800
Do I think that's coincidence,
though? Yeah.
242
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,040
Right, explain this to me -
243
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,640
why is it, I swapped it a week later
with Robin Pope for a rubber,
244
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,040
and the very same day,
he fell off a ferry?
245
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,080
Yeah, but, Pez or no Pez, Robin Pope
would have fallen off that ferry.
246
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,800
Bus is here. He was a fucking clown.
247
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,840
Hello!
248
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,640
You got change? Yeah.
249
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:10,680
Can you open the door?
250
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,400
Oh, fuck...
251
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,120
What the fuck?
252
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,160
What the fuck?!
253
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,240
What... What was that about?
254
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,840
Yeah...
255
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:22,880
I think...
256
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,520
What the fuck?!
257
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,440
He's been sexting my nan, though.
Oh, for fuck's sake...
258
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,960
That's the problem.
259
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,080
How are we going to get to
steam fair, Kurtan?
260
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,760
Because the next bus ain't for,
like, two hours? Shit.
261
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:37,960
Hi, Vicar, it's Kurtan.
262
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,200
Yeah, good, just a little favour -
263
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,680
do you reckon you could
pick us up, please?
264
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,280
What's he saying?
What's he saying?
265
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,480
What wedding?
266
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,800
Ugh...
267
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,960
But can't you nip out
15 minutes then...?
268
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,280
Then go back...?
269
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,280
But you're the vicar,
surely you can do what you want.
270
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,160
And it's your church, they've all
got to wait for you anyway.
271
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,960
Oh, fine, fine. Do you know what?
Just do one, Vicar.
272
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,760
Is he picking us up? No.
273
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,880
We're going to miss it, ain't we?
No, no, calm down.
274
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,200
We're going to miss it.
No, we're not going to miss it.
275
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,760
Right, just calm down.
We'll be fine, Ker...
276
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,040
What Kerry won't tell you
about steam fair is that she used
277
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,920
to go a lot when she was a kid,
before her dad walked out.
278
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,440
So I think, every time
she sees heavy haulage vehicles,
279
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,440
it reminds her of being
part of a family.
280
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,240
It doesn't matter, because we can
walk it. It'll take an hour.
281
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,000
An hour?! Yeah. I can't do an hour,
unfortunately, I can't.
282
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,880
Because I want to see Jim Tucker
driving into steam fair, that's it.
283
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,720
And she loves looking
in skips as well, because her dad
284
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,280
used to take her scrap metalling
when she was a toddler.
285
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,800
He'd literally just chuck her in,
286
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,160
have her looking for copper
and that.
287
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,000
She actually got tetanus one time.
288
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,920
But Martin didn't give
a flying fuck.
289
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,800
As long as he got his copper,
he was happy.
290
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,960
How about we walk through the woods,
then? Yeah?
291
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,480
Because that'll be half the time.
That'd be half the time? Yeah.
292
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,400
You promise me that will be
half the time? Yeah.
293
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,800
That works for me.
It might be a nice...
294
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,200
If you're telling me the truth,
that works for me.
295
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,800
I swear down, it's a short cut.
296
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,120
It might be a pleasant walk,
we might enjoy it.
297
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,800
We'll be late now.
298
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,560
We'll have missed
the combine demonstration, for sure.
299
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,600
Which is a shame.
300
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,920
Because Jim Tucker drives
the combines,
301
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,560
and he's the best combine
driver this side of Hereford.
302
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,400
I had my picture taken with him
last year, and he put his cap on me.
303
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:38,520
He said I reminded him of himself
when he was in his late 40s.
304
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,640
Actually, I think we've got
to go back up there.
305
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,240
Just came from back from back
up there.
306
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,960
Yeah, just...
307
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,120
You're lost, in't you?
308
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:54,000
Well, not... I don't know...
Oh, for fuck's sake, Kurtan.
309
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,160
Can't you check Maps on your phone,
or something?
310
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,800
No, because I ain't got any signal,
have I?
311
00:16:58,800 --> 00:16:59,840
Have you?
312
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,920
Have you got any signal?
313
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,760
Oh, fucking hell!
314
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,640
Oh, my God, what is that?
315
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,520
What is that? What?
316
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,160
There, look.
317
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,440
There.
318
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:24,760
Don't know.
319
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,600
Is that, like, a tent or something?
320
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,320
WHISPERS: Shout. Shout hello.
321
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,800
WHISPERS: Hello?
322
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:33,840
SHOUTS: Hello?
323
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,360
Oh, my Jesus Christ!
What? What is it?
324
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,080
Oh, my God. What?
325
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,880
Christ alive. What?!
326
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,440
It's just a great big dump
in the middle of the tent.
327
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,360
That's... That's just a badger's
shit in there.
328
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,000
A badger? Yeah. Oh, OK.
329
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,040
So a badger just walking along,
sees a tent, goes,
330
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,760
"Might as well have a shit in it."
331
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,120
Does his business, comes back out,
zips it with this great big thumbs.
332
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,360
Yeah, badger, Ker.
333
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:29,000
I know who's fucking done that. Who?
334
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,040
Fox Twins.
335
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,880
Oh...
336
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,680
I'm not scared of Fox Twins.
337
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,000
I'd just like to sit them
down and ask them plainly,
338
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,400
"Look, guys, what is going on?
339
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,280
"Because this has just gotten
completely out of hand now.
340
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,360
"You know, stop walking
on your knuckles, stand up straight,
341
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,080
"be the best version of you
that you can be.
342
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,320
"Get a job, even.
343
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,560
"There's trolley boy,
works at Tesco's, you know,
344
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,600
"may as well have been
raised by wolves.
345
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,600
"If he can get a job,
you guys can walk it."
346
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,920
Honestly,
this guy's forehead is so large,
347
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,080
you could project a film onto it.
348
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,160
And that's not me being harsh,
349
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,840
he'd probably say that
about himself.
350
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,400
In't that right, Kurtan? Hmm?
351
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,480
Nicholas. Trolley boy? Yeah.
352
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,880
Huge fucking head.
353
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,520
Yes, there has been talk of strange
goings-on in the woods,
354
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,320
ghost sightings and the like.
355
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,280
But they're never from particularly
reliable sources.
356
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,320
Oh, yeah, I believe in ghosts all
right. There's one in there.
357
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,200
I live with a ghost,
there's a ghost in that house.
358
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,880
He's like a Civil War Cavalier,
359
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,200
with all the hair and the hat
and all that.
360
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,720
And every time I walk into the
living room, he doffs his cap.
361
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:49,080
And on his shoulder,
he's got this crow that barks at me.
362
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,920
It means I spend less
time in the house, really.
363
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,840
Not because of him,
because he's quite peaceable.
364
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,800
But the crow is malevolent.
365
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,280
And I'm not having that,
366
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,840
I can't share my house with
a malevolent bird.
367
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,000
No way,
I ain't walking through there. Why?
368
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,560
Why?
369
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,600
Look at it!
370
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,280
What's wrong with it? It will
literally be a 20-second sprint.
371
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,920
That's haunted as fuck.
372
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,760
Am I going mad here,
or does that, to you,
373
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,600
look like that's where just ghosts
will hang out all the time?
374
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,320
Well, it's either walk through there
or walk up that, up to you.
375
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,240
Ugh, let's just walk down there.
376
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,640
Oh, my God, it's him from earlier.
377
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,720
Hat man! Arsehole.
378
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,920
Ask him for directions.
No, no way! Please, Kurtan.
379
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,360
No, I ain't going cap in hand
to no-one, especially him.
380
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,640
I'll ask him. Excuse me?
381
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,320
Excuse me?! See, rude.
382
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,600
Well, let's just follow him, because
he might be going steam fair.
383
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,600
Look at him, Little Red Riding Twat.
384
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,680
All right, I'll go first, I'll go
first. Quick! Yes, all right!
385
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,040
He's getting away.
386
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,200
Half-hour until the Ferguson Parade.
387
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,080
It's basically a shitload
of Fergusons,
388
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,720
like, parading around the
fair and that.
389
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,480
Erm, wait.
390
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,040
It's always led by this,
like, little steam engine,
391
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,200
this little Labrador in it
that has a hat.
392
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,000
It's the most beautiful fucking
thing you'll ever see.
393
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,440
What? Run after him! Shall I? Yes!
394
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,520
Excuse me?!
395
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,760
Hang on, wait!
396
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,240
Just want to...
397
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,040
Just want to follow...!
398
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,240
Oh, for fuck's...
399
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,080
Where's he fucking gone?
400
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:04,720
Where's he gone?!
401
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:05,760
I don't know.
402
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,960
Oh, fucking hell. What?
403
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,320
Oh, for fuck's sake.
404
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,480
I don't believe it.
405
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,160
We've done a massive
circle for the last three hours.
406
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,600
We've missed the steam fair,
in't we?
407
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,720
Yeah, well...
408
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,120
I think so.
409
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,160
Sorry, Ker.
410
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,000
Look, well, we're
basically by a bus stop now, so...
411
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,880
I'll just get the vicar to
pick us up.
412
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,880
Yeah? Yeah.
413
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,280
Come on, then.
414
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,560
Let's just get out of here.
415
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,000
What are you doing? Hmm?
416
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,920
What? What are you doing?
417
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,280
Going toilet.
418
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,880
You can't shit in there!
419
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,760
Someone's already done a
massive dump in it,
420
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,760
what's another one going to
make a difference?
421
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:00,800
Oh, for fuck's sake.
422
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,200
Vicar's here.
423
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,280
If he's got an attitude with me,
I swear to God, I'll just
424
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,680
grab the steering wheel
and drive us all into a wall.
425
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,640
Happy birthday, Kerry!
426
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,320
How was it?
427
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,400
Kerry did a dump in a tent.
428
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,720
Sorry?
429
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,440
I did a dump in a tent.
430
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,040
That's all you need to know.
431
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,400
Yeah, it wasn't a great birthday.
432
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,920
Probably one of the worst
I ever had, to be honest.
433
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,120
And I got eight Facebook
posts this year.
434
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,760
That's four down from last year.
435
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,760
I stayed up till midnight refreshing
my page, and for why?
436
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,200
I just ended up getting cramp in my
finger. I can't even bend it, look.
437
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,640
I just feel pretty shit
about Kerry's birthday yesterday.
438
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:17,760
She didn't say anything,
439
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,800
but I know it's basically my fault
we missed the steam fair and that.
440
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,240
Yeah, just thought I'd better
make it up to her.
441
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,720
Get her something she really wants.
442
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,640
Yes, I'll get it.
443
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:44,800
Someone left this, look.
444
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,200
SodaStream!
445
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,400
"Happy Birthday." There's a laugh.
446
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,800
"Dear Kerry,
happy birthday, have a great day,
447
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:12,880
"lots of love...
448
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,120
"..Martin."
449
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:20,680
That's my da.
450
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,840
I knew my da wouldn't forget
my birthday.
451
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,000
This is one of the best birthdays
I've ever had, to be fair.
452
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,080
To think Kurtan
almost ruined it as well.
34364
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