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1
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,600
We did that.
2
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:18,680
"Darren Lacey
is granny-bashing scum."
3
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,520
We should probably scrub that out.
Yeah.
4
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:25,160
Turned out his granny
was actually bashing HIM in.
5
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,880
With a fire poker, weren't it?
6
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,400
Yeah, we should change that.
Yeah.
7
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,440
"Granny is Darren Lacey-bashing
scum."
8
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,120
Yeah. Yeah.
9
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,800
Kerry phoned me the other day at
three in the morning saying,
10
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,080
"Come quick,
there's a hedgehog in the garden
11
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,960
"that looks exactly like Grandad."
12
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:56,520
So I got up, I got dressed and I ran
over to Kerry's as fast as I could
13
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,640
and then I just stopped
in the middle of the street
14
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,080
at three in the morning and thought,
15
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,640
"What the fuck
am I doing with my life?"
16
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,880
I just can't open it.
17
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,760
I just... I cannot open it.
18
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,880
Oh, my God. I cannot open it, Vicar.
19
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,000
Do you want me to open it?
No, I'll open it, snatchy!
20
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,720
Actually, yeah, you open it.
21
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:21,720
I'm trying to encourage them to look
beyond the confines of the village
22
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,880
and think about their futures
23
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,440
and maybe look at the bigger picture
24
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:29,920
and have bigger dreams
for themselves.
25
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,840
They said yes.
26
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,280
You're joking me?
27
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,960
You're joking me?
28
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,120
Because if you are joking me,
that is massively harsh.
29
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,040
I'm not joking, Kurtan.
You've got it.
30
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,280
Seriously?
31
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,600
No way!
32
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,120
Oh, my God!
33
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,640
Seriously? Yeah.
34
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:48,680
Get in!
35
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,120
Oh, let me get a song up on YouTube.
36
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,440
You're going to absolutely
love this, Vicar.
37
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,040
Here we go...
38
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,600
Listen to this.
Oh, for fuck's sake, advert.
39
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,600
This isn't it. This isn't it.
40
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,040
Here we go, this is it.
41
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,920
Always spend my life alone
42
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,320
Been searching for the place
called home
43
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,720
I know that I've been
cold as ice...
44
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,320
Can you feel the warmth, Vicar?
45
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,280
Ignored the dreams, too many lies
46
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,400
Somewhere deep inside
47
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,560
Somewhere deep inside me
48
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:32,640
I found the child I used to be
49
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,560
And I know that it's not too late
50
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,000
Never too late...
51
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,160
Vicar, wait for this, Vicar.
Honestly.
52
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,560
3am !
53
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,720
Wait for it. This is brilliant.
54
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,800
The painted cow
55
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,880
Wait for it. This is it.
56
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,480
Wait for the top.
57
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,680
Hiaaaaa!
Yeah!
58
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,680
I am the junglist soldier...
59
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:05,920
Vicar!
60
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,480
No, no. Kurtan, no, not the cross.
61
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,520
Banging.
62
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,440
Did you see that?
63
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,280
That was insane, wasn't it?
64
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,560
Let's go down the pub
and get shitfaced.
65
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:22,880
Come on.
66
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,520
Have you ever done a pill, Vicar?
No.
67
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,840
Thanks to the Vicar helping me
and that,
68
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,760
I got a place doing a GNVQ in health
and social care at Swindon College
69
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,440
and I'm going to be moving there
in halls and everything.
70
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,280
So, yeah, I'm basically going to
start doing something with my life.
71
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,480
I think it's wonderful
you want to help people, Kurtan.
72
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,320
It's amazing I got in,
isn't it, Vics?
73
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,600
How many people do you reckon
applied but didn't get in?
74
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,280
I imagine there were a few.
I reckon...loads.
75
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,000
But I got in, didn't I?
76
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,400
Yes, I think it's great.
77
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,320
But let's finish filling out
these forms, shall we?
78
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,720
What do you reckon Kerry will say?
79
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,440
I'm sure she'll be over the moon
for you.
80
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,600
Where do I see myself in five years?
81
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:10,440
Well, me and Kurtan will have a flat
in the middle of the village
82
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,920
and all of our furniture
will be inflatable
83
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,640
and we'll have a Sky box
84
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,520
and it will pay for itself,
85
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,840
because we're going to use
the spare room to breed quails,
86
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,520
because their eggs
are worth fucking shitloads.
87
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,000
Ker.
88
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,520
Oh, you're not going to believe
this.
89
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,560
Me and Levi have created this gang
called the Dump Gang
90
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,560
and we're going to build a den at
the dump out of old car parts.
91
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,280
And we've found this washing machine
that we're going to use as a safe,
92
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,960
so if you want anything putting in
there, you've got to tell me now.
93
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,000
Right. What were you talking
to the vicar about?
94
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,440
Nothing. Well, why wouldn't you
let me in earlier?
95
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,880
Because we were talking about man
stuff. I can talk man stuff.
96
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,360
Yeah, but not that sort of man
stuff. You wouldn't understand.
97
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,160
I think I would understand, thanks.
What's the massive secret?
98
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,000
The vicar's got a problem
with his ball bag, all right,
99
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,000
so stop going on about it, yeah?
100
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,320
What sort of problem?
101
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,000
One of them's turned hard,
like a stone.
102
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,680
Now, can you stop
with the questions, please?
103
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,120
Oh, hello, Kerry.
104
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,680
Has he told you yet?
105
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,760
Yeah.
106
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,040
And what do you think?
107
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,240
I don't really know what
you want me to say, to be honest.
108
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,360
Well, I'll give you two some more
time to let it sink in, shall I?
109
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,760
Why is he so proud about it?
110
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,400
I don't know. Now, come on.
111
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,160
I wouldn't be shouting that.
112
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,960
Yeah, I am going to tell Kerry,
and soon,
113
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,000
because apparently
word's getting around,
114
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,480
but I've just got to try and find
the right moment.
115
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,400
You know,
I want to do it in my own time.
116
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,920
I think it will be tough for Kerry.
117
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,240
A lot of her peers
have moved on already, so...
118
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,040
she's been hanging out with a lot
of year sevens.
119
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:57,920
But of course, when they get
to year 11, they move on, too,
120
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:02,320
so Kerry's just found another batch
of year sevens to hang out with
121
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,480
until they move on.
122
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,200
That's the door. We did that.
123
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,040
There's Pork Chop. He's on security.
124
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,080
And Ball Of Laughs. Pick that up.
Let me show you.
125
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,240
Yeah, so we're going to have that
on the door,
126
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,480
so you use that as a door-knocker.
I love that.
127
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,320
And come through in here.
128
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,640
Oooh...
129
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,560
It's all right, Pork Chop,
he's with me. Just... OK?
130
00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,880
And... Oh, close your eyes.
131
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,960
Show him our best find, Levi.
132
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,920
OK, one, two, three and open!
133
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,400
What are you going to do with them?
134
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,200
Smash them on the road, probably,
I would have thought.
135
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:41,920
And... Oh, because you're fastest
in the gang, you get to wear this.
136
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,440
No, not... Sit still. Just once.
137
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:46,960
Not on my curtains now.
138
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,600
All right? What are you doing here?
139
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,360
Levi!
140
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:53,960
No, we had a meeting about it.
141
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,080
We're still considering
his application, Levi.
142
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,640
And you didn't use the door,
which is really annoying.
143
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,520
That counts against you, as well.
144
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,960
The thing is about Slugs is,
145
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,320
he'll turn up
when you don't want him to
146
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,000
and then you can barely understand
a word he says, anyway.
147
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,120
Oh... My phone keeps doing that
in my pocket.
148
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,520
To who?
149
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,600
What?
150
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,560
You can be a bit annoying sometimes.
151
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,280
Oh...! I never slag you off.
152
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,440
Is this about the Calippo, still?
153
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,160
Because you offered to buy me that.
154
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,760
Yeah, but I didn't think you'd
actually let me pay for it.
155
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,880
And...I offered you a Mini Milk,
yeah, not a Calippo.
156
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,720
You know I don't like Mini Milks.
157
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,840
Yeah, but a Mini Milk is 50p
158
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,920
and Calippo was £1.20,
just so you know.
159
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,800
You absolute arsehole.
160
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,280
I just knew at the time that you
were being funny about that.
161
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:57,800
What?
162
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,560
What's wrong with you?
Are you actually?
163
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:03,640
Yeah.
164
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,200
Well...
165
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,720
when are you going?
166
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,120
Pretty soon.
Why?
167
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,520
Don't know,
I just want to do something.
168
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,320
Well, sadly, it is very difficult
169
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,440
for young people
to find work in the village.
170
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:30,840
Erm...
171
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:34,880
And I think that particularly
in Kerry and Kurtan's case, er...
172
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,040
they could have really benefited
from the routine and structure
173
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,320
that would have brought
to their lives.
174
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,600
If he wants to go,
good luck to him, I say.
175
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,640
I reckon he thinks that I can't live
without him, which is a laugh,
176
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:57,080
because he went a whole weekend away
once to Brean Sands
177
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,920
and I got on all right.
178
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,560
I just ended up following this cat
around the village.
179
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,520
Levi, that needs to go way higher,
mate.
180
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:06,840
Higher, higher...
181
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:08,960
That's it.
182
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:12,600
No, I'm happy for him.
183
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,040
I'm not upset.
184
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,520
Kerry seemed to take it pretty well,
if I'm honest.
185
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,120
Not what I was expecting
after last time, though.
186
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,680
I went away, yeah, for just one
weekend to Brean Sands
187
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:33,440
and she was ringing me the entire
time, texting me, texting my nan,
188
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,560
phoning the caravan park reception.
189
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,680
Honestly, it was an utter nightmare.
190
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,480
And I said to myself,
"I can't go away again."
191
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,080
I am excited, yeah.
192
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,400
Meeting new people,
getting out of this shithole.
193
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,760
I've got to do what's right for me,
at the end of the day,
194
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,960
instead of worrying about
other people.
195
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,640
I want the smashed bathroom tiles
cleaned up,
196
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,240
because they are all over the road
197
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,600
and the Portaloo's got to go back
to the building site
198
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,560
where you found it, please.
And now. Because I mean now.
199
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,960
You got anything to say to me first?
200
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,120
I don't know what
you're talking about, Kerry.
201
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,280
How about sorry? Sorry for what?
202
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:13,840
Sorry for the massive knife
203
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,200
that's hanging out the back
of my back because of you.
204
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,560
Well, what do you mean?
205
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,200
Cos you stabbed me in the back.
206
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,720
Backstabber.
207
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,000
Oh, and while
you're stabbing me in the back,
208
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,120
feel free to bend down
and kiss my arse.
209
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,760
I don't understand.
210
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:31,840
Why are you forcing Kurtan to move
away when he doesn't want to?
211
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,200
I didn't force him.
He came to me and I helped him.
212
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,320
You should be happy
that he's happy, Kerry.
213
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,200
I'm not happy that he's happy.
214
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,080
I'm only happy when I'm happy.
215
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,440
And right now, I'm not happy
with the fact he's happy.
216
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,680
Look, I think you just need
to have a chat with him
217
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,240
and understand where he's coming
from. Where he's coming from?
218
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,000
What, studying health
and social care?
219
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,840
I don't even understand
what that means.
220
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,080
He wants to help people, Kerry.
221
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,800
He wants to feel worthwhile.
Help who?
222
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,760
Help who? Like old people.
223
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,840
Old people are stupid old fucks
who I hate.
224
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,120
Do you know, if two old people
go out for a meal,
225
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,480
they'll leave just as much mess
as a baby in a high chair.
226
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,240
That's a very offensive
thing to say, Kerry.
227
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,000
Please leave and come back
when you're being less vile.
228
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,200
Me being vile? I'm not the one
who was going on about
229
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,280
my rock-hard ball bag, mate,
230
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,760
so you might as well just
spread it around for everyone.
231
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,600
I've no idea
what you're talking about.
232
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,960
You never do, do you? Come and
see me when you've calmed down.
233
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,120
A wolf in shepherd's clothing.
234
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,080
I had a call from the vicar
this morning
235
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:45,120
and apparently Kerry is not happy
with me going away after all.
236
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,200
Brean Sands all over again...
237
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,000
I should have known it.
238
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,240
All right?
239
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,960
Look, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you earlier
240
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,880
about going away and that,
it's just...
241
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,000
Can I just ask you
an honest question?
242
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,760
Why would you want
to leave the village
243
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,200
when we've got a pub and a shop?
244
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,080
If I'm honest, yeah, it's just...
245
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,080
Like, I'm just bored
living round here now, I think,
246
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,640
and I do think I've just outgrown
this village now.
247
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,240
Oh, what, so you've outgrown
the parish church, have you?
248
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:20,920
Well, yeah. I have.
249
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,520
Yeah, but what about the duck race,
though?
250
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,520
Well, I'll just come back
for the duck race.
251
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,000
You can't just come back
for the duck race. Why?
252
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,320
Because you can't just
dip in and out.
253
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,080
You either dip in or you dip out.
254
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,960
You can't dip in and out.
255
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,720
It doesn't work that way.
256
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,800
Ker, aren't you just bored?
257
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,480
No. I'm not, mate. I'm not bored.
258
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,360
Like...
259
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,760
..we spent all of last week, yeah,
trying to get a pound coin
260
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,280
out of a well with a magnet
on a piece of string.
261
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,400
So? That's all we did!
262
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,000
Well, you know that's rubbish,
because we did bury the dead carp,
263
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,200
as well, so...
264
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,600
Look, can I just talk to you,
like, alone
265
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,560
for, like, two minutes, please?
266
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,680
Just so I can talk, like...
I just want to...
267
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,400
Yeah? Oh, fine, whatever.
268
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,680
Please? Yeah.
269
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,040
Two minutes, though.
270
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,920
Everyone we grew up with, yeah,
all our mates have moved on.
271
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,920
Like Darren Lacey and Kirk,
they share a flat in Stroud now.
272
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,720
Do you remember that Christmas
when they came back, yeah,
273
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,520
and they drove us to McDonald's
274
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,800
and we had to sit
and watch them eat their McDonald's
275
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,880
because we couldn't afford any?
276
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,760
And all they could bang on about was
how good it was working at Halfords.
277
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,280
So?
278
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,560
Like, I was embarrassed, mate.
279
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,600
I honestly went home that night
and just bawled my eyes out
280
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,880
because I know that they've moved on
and I haven't
281
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:54,400
and I'm stuck in this life,
going nowhere.
282
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,480
Like, when I bump into people I know
in the street, yeah,
283
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,880
my heart sinks, because I know
what they're going to ask me.
284
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,480
"Oh, all right, Kurtan,
what are you up to now?"
285
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:10,480
Well, I haven't got nothing to say,
because I ain't up to anything.
286
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,720
And I ain't been up to anything
since I left school.
287
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,080
Do you know what I think?
288
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,240
I think you don't know
how lucky we have it
289
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,400
to be doing nothing with our lives,
like.
290
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,440
We're all going to die, anyway, so
what's the point in doing anything?
291
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,040
No...
292
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,280
That's...
You don't get it, do you?
293
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,480
No, what I don't get
is you going behind my back,
294
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,040
wanting to leave me here on my own.
That's what I don't get.
295
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,280
Why can't you just be happy for me?
296
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,400
Do you know what you're like?
You're selfish.
297
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,120
Me selfish? So selfish.
298
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,480
I'll tell you what you're like,
then. Yeah, go on.
299
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,800
Actually, no, I won't,
because it'll upset you. No, go on.
300
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,240
You started now,
so you might as well.
301
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,320
You're like Tony from Hollyoaks.
302
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,240
Everyone else has moved on,
303
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,880
but you're staying where you are,
yeah, year in, year out,
304
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,640
doing the same old shit, hanging
on to the same old shitty memories.
305
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:01,760
Do you know what?
306
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,720
Good luck with it all, yeah?
307
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,600
VICAR: Yes, they have had a bit of a
falling out, which is unfortunate.
308
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,240
But when you've been as close
309
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,840
as Kerry and Kurtan have been
for so long, that's understandable.
310
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,080
And, erm, I think it's my job to...
311
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,520
try and help them see each other's
point of view.
312
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,560
But ultimately,
I'm confident they're mature enough
313
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,000
to put this behind them.
314
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,880
Can I play? No!
315
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,240
Well, right,
I'm going to tell the vicar, then,
316
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,520
if you don't let me play!
OK, bye!
317
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:07,040
OK, right, you're both going
to have your say, so let's begin.
318
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,160
Kerry, would you like
to speak first?
319
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,840
What would you like to say?
320
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,120
Firstly, Grand Theft Auto Five.
321
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,560
We bought that together,
so who's going to keep that, then?
322
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,680
Well, she can have it during the
week and I'll have it at weekends.
323
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,320
Does that work for everyone?
No, not for me.
324
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,240
Because I'm not happy with my half
of Grand Theft Auto
325
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:30,440
being passed around some crappy
halls like some pig on market day,
326
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,000
getting scuffed or lost or stolen.
327
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,080
I'm not happy with that.
Just have it, then.
328
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,240
No, I can't have it.
Because it's not rightfully mine.
329
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,120
I believe that maybe we'll have to
do some sort of a changeover,
330
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,800
through either you
or a contact centre.
331
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,960
Fuck, fine.
332
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,080
OK, then. There's another thing,
as well, I just want to say.
333
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,480
I've got a Pog that I gave to him
ages ago.
334
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,560
I didn't actually give it,
I lent it to him,
335
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,360
that I actually need back now.
336
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,280
What Pog? It's shiny.
337
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:02,240
I lent it to you ages ago
and I really want it returned.
338
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,160
Oh, my God...!
339
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,640
This is baffling.
340
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,080
Are you not baffled by this?
That was probably at school.
341
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,720
I've moved house, yeah,
three times since then.
342
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:13,240
I want you two to be on good terms
for when Kurtan leaves.
343
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,400
Did you see that sort of behaviour
that I'm having to put up with?
344
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,160
I'm just asking for my Pog to be
returned before he fucks off
345
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,800
and leaves me all my own with
a Grand Theft Auto to look after.
346
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,000
I am being very calm.
OK, Kerry.
347
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,640
Kurtan, will you be able
to look for Kerry's Pog?
348
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,520
I can look, but I won't find it.
349
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,480
That sort of attitude I've had
to put up with for 20-odd years.
350
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,000
I'm not surprised.
Yeah, and I've had to put up with
351
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,320
that nagging old bellshaft
for 20-odd years.
352
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,320
Come on, what did I just say?
That's another thing.
353
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,200
I want ownership of the words -
bellshaft, wankcoin and arsepirate.
354
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,920
Because I made them up.
355
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,200
I don't want them being
bandied around a college
356
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,840
with him taking ownership of them,
because that's not right.
357
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,400
Fine, then. I want ownership of
the words fucknut and dickmilk.
358
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,240
OK, right, that's enough.
Fine! Fine.
359
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,400
I do want that in writing, though,
by the way.
360
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,200
I actually...cannot wait
to leave this shithole.
361
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,440
Yeah, and I actually cannot wait
for you to leave this shithole.
362
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,800
I had this come through the post.
363
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,080
And I've got a few concerns
about it.
364
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,520
Firstly, this guy on the front
looks really arrogant.
365
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:34,480
Not the sort of guy I was expecting,
if I'm honest.
366
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,040
Well, the big day is approaching
367
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,560
and I can tell Kurtan
is a little anxious.
368
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,120
This morning, we had a few effs
and jeffs flying around,
369
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,720
but that's totally understandable,
as he's on edge.
370
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,160
I ain't joking now, Vicar.
371
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,400
This is starting to stress me out
a little bit.
372
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,480
Look, Kurtan, I'm sure the pattern
on the carpets in the classrooms
373
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,680
aren't going to be a problem. How
many times do I have to tell you?
374
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,600
Swirls on carpets
freak me the fuck out.
375
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,960
What if I have an epileptic fit?
376
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,280
I'm feeling light-headed
just thinking about it.
377
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,400
Kurtan, I know you're feeling
a bit anxious, it's a big step,
378
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,360
but it's normal to feel this way.
379
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,400
And another thing. I've been looking
at the menu in the cafeteria, yeah,
380
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,400
and I wonder if you could be so kind
in telling me
381
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,840
what the fuck is pesto?
382
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,720
So, as I say, he's a bit on edge,
383
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,480
but we've had a good chat
384
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:22,920
and I think he's, erm...really
looking forward to it again now.
385
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,440
I don't want to be saying this
again.
386
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,040
If you want to get into Dump Gang
headquarters, use the door.
387
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,720
That's what it's for.
388
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,120
'Yeah, I haven't seen Kurtan
in a while.'
389
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,880
But I'm doing all right.
390
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,360
I've got the Dump Gang
and we're tight as fuck.
391
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,040
You know, it's so simple.
392
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,840
All you have to do is go,
"Knock-knock. Who's there? Slugs.
393
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,720
"What's the password?
394
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,360
"Dump Gang. Can I come in?
395
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,800
"Yes, you can come in,
because you did it correctly."
396
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:50,880
You know?
397
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,560
You all right, Kerry?
No, I'm not all right!
398
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,840
Just, people just need to start,
you know,
399
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,800
treating this place
with some respect.
400
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,880
Who gave Molehill
the hoover bag hat? He's banned!
401
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,920
He went to the toilet in the office.
402
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,040
Just give me that, now.
403
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,760
Everyone, Pork Chop,
get everyone out, please.
404
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,920
Use the door!
405
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,360
Use the door!
406
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:16,600
Just...
407
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,160
Thank you, Pork Chop.
408
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,760
So...the coach leaves
in half an hour.
409
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,080
Yes. I'm not dumb, Vicar.
410
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,840
Why are you trying to stress me out?
411
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,400
You know I'm already stressed out
as it is.
412
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,040
It's all right, Kurtan, come on.
Everything is going to be fine.
413
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,120
It's a shame Kurtan's gone because,
just this minute,
414
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,720
I've come up with a business idea...
415
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,120
..that he would have absolutely
lapped up like a thirsty mule.
416
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:32,200
It's basically this idea for a taxi
company called Aardvark Taxis,
417
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,760
because aardvark's got two As in it,
418
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,960
so it's the first in the phonebook.
419
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,640
So when you open up the phonebook,
it's the first one you see.
420
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,880
And on the open day, I'm going
to dress up like an aardvark
421
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,120
and hand out balloons with
a taxi number to little kiddies.
422
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,880
What's the password?
423
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,120
I found that Pog of yours.
424
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,000
Do you still want it?
425
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,920
Can you just post it
through the letterbox, please?
426
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,080
Is that position still going
for fastest in the gang?
427
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,520
No, Molehill's got it now
by default.
428
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,400
Well...
429
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,480
I've decided to take a gap year
out now, so...
430
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,440
if you need someone to hold the
title for a year, I could do it.
431
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,560
What, so you ain't going now?
432
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:38,200
Well, I'm still going, but I'm going
to take a gap year out first,
433
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,160
just to prepare for it and that.
434
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,040
Can I come in?
435
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,080
What's the password?
What is the password?
436
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,080
Dump Gang. Dump Gang.
Come in.
437
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:03,880
How's the vicar?
438
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,400
Just disappointed.
439
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,520
How's his ball bag?
440
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,160
Oh, er...
441
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,440
It just turned black
and dropped off, I think.
442
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,520
I really liked the way
you used the door.
443
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,400
I really like how...
444
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,600
..you respect my curtains.
Yeah, because they're fucking sweet.
445
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,720
Urgh!
446
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,320
Oh, careful!
447
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:39,480
Sorry.
448
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,160
Urgh! Ah...!
449
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:42,400
Can you help me down?
450
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,640
Here comes the fat king!
451
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,360
Here is the king!
452
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,600
The fat...
453
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:50,800
Argh!
454
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,280
Ow! Oh...!
455
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,720
Look at that.
456
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,160
We wouldn't want to be
anywhere else.
457
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,520
This is our country!
458
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,680
This country is ours!
35992
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