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1
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,360
Got that from Bitza.
2
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,480
Shut up, please!
3
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,800
Can you just stop stressing out?
4
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,280
You've been stressed all morning.
5
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,560
He's getting so stressed out
cos this family's moved in
6
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,400
across the way and he's just perving
at the daughter all morning.
7
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I'm not perving! I'm not perving!
You are. He is.
8
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,320
I'm evaluating the situation, yeah,
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00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,120
before I make my move,
so shut up.
10
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,480
There she is now.
11
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,600
Oh, wow.
12
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,600
Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?
13
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,800
And it's fate her moving across
the street.
14
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,480
Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.
15
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,080
God, he scrubs up well, don't he?
16
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,120
What's he doing?
17
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:57,120
Oh, he's snaking me,
he's getting there before I am!
18
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,040
Look, he's got his wallet
on his chain out,
19
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,480
and that's your thing as well.
20
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,640
That's my... That's what I do,
innit?
21
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,160
He's pulling my pants down
right now.
22
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,480
I got to get down there. Right.
23
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,880
Ker, got any Lynx?
Yeah, in the bathroom.
24
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,640
Bathroom.
25
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,320
Two quid, that was.
26
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,920
And...she threw in that as well.
27
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,960
Love that.
28
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,600
'The problem with finding a
girlfriend in the village is that
29
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,400
'most of the girls you meet
round here are old-age pensioners.'
30
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,760
Hey.
31
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,360
Hey. Kurtan.
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00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,480
Kayleigh.
33
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,040
So...do you have a boyfriend?
34
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,360
Bloody hell, Slugs, slow down, mate.
35
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,120
Let the girl move in first.
36
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,760
Do you want to go out on a date?
37
00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:00,480
Again, Slugs, she doesn't want to go
on a date cos she's just moved in
38
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,120
and especially not with you.
39
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,560
She might. Would you like to go out
on a date?
40
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,400
Yeah.
41
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,560
What about me? Do you want to go
on a date with me?
42
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,920
Yeah? OK.
43
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,160
OK? Great.
44
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,720
Where would you like this? It's all
right, I'll take it in for you.
45
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,480
I picked it up first,
so I'll take it in.
46
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,840
All right, well, we'll just take it
in together, then.
47
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:28,280
'Yeah, I am looking for
a relationship, but thing is'
48
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,000
I've just got so many trust issues,
yeah,
49
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,360
with being fucked over massive
in the past,
50
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,840
so no matter how much I get close
to someone now
51
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,600
I'm thinking
in the back of my head,
52
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,680
"Shit, am I going
to get fucked over?"
53
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,240
Because I've been fucked over
in the past massively.
54
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,520
My last relationship
proper fucked me up.
55
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,160
I asked out Kirsty Taylor, right,
on the way down the Hampton Court,
56
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,400
only for my best mate Jack Russell
to snake me.
57
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,040
I thought I was your best mate?
58
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,240
No, my best mate in woodwork class.
59
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,800
So, I got car sick
on the way back...
60
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,280
Yeah, I was in your woodwork class.
61
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,000
Yeah. Yeah.
62
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,720
I got car sick on the way back
so I had to sit at the front with
63
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,800
Mr Perkins while Kirsty Taylor got
with Jack Russell on the back seat.
64
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,480
Yeah, even though he bought her
a magnet from the gift shop.
65
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,880
No, it wasn't a magnet. It was a
magnet. No, it wasn't a magnet.
66
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,320
It was. It wasn't a magnet.
67
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,680
It was a bookmark with
all the queens on it.
68
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,120
Thing is, that should be annoying
me right now, but...
69
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,840
look how much pleasure
she's getting from that.
70
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,200
I went through a really dark phase,
didn't I, Ker?
71
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,520
Listening to Papa Roach and just
blowing everything up
72
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,520
with them little French bangers.
He did, yeah.
73
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,400
What?
74
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,880
What?
75
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,240
Who?
76
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:51,440
The vicar?
77
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,920
The vicar?
78
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,440
Kerry's dad?
79
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,840
Shut up, you don't know
what you're talking about!
80
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,640
Do you know what?
This is utter slander.
81
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,120
Stop saying that about my dad!
82
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,640
The shit has hit the fan.
83
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,360
He is a peeper, though, to be fair.
84
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,040
Kurtan, I heard that!
85
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,960
'I don't like the man. I know he's
my uncle, but I don't like him.'
86
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,840
And I don't like
what he does to Ker.
87
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,480
Like, he don't give a rat's arse
about her because she's a girl.
88
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,520
And all he's ever wanted
is to bore a son
89
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,440
so he can teach him how to concrete.
90
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,040
And Kerry's like a dog.
91
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,040
No matter how hard
you kick her, yeah,
92
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,760
she will still come back wagging.
93
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,240
Harsh.
94
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,400
Just saying.
95
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,720
You're all right, though, ain't you?
96
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,880
Yeah.
97
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,480
So I've just been to my dad's,
but he wasn't there
98
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,320
because his girlfriend, Sandra,
kicked him out.
99
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,640
And he's living in a caravan
at the moment.
100
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,920
I'm just going to be there for him,
no matter what.
101
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,560
Just like he's been there for me.
102
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,200
Even though that has been hard for
him to be there for me, to be fair,
103
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:33,320
because he has darts on a Wednesday
and skittles on a Thursday.
104
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,800
And the weekends are a write-off
because he likes his me-time.
105
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,680
I needed the toilet, right.
106
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,320
I was desperate cos I'd had
four points down the Keeper's. Yeah.
107
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,520
So I went in the bushes
by the ladies tennis club
108
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,240
and some meddling old tart only goes
and calls the police,
109
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:50,840
and said I'm peeping on her.
110
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,960
And I was aroused.
111
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,320
I weren't aroused,
just well-endowed.
112
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,080
Yeah. You can't shoot a man
for being well-endowed, Ker.
113
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,880
No. Now they're pressing charges.
114
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,040
Sandra's kicked me out.
115
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,480
The darts team don't want to know.
116
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,400
I went in the pub yesterday, all
turned their back on me, even Alan.
117
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,960
Even Alan? My life's
in bloody tatters, Ker.
118
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,160
Absolute tatters.
119
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,640
I'm in this bloody caravan
without a pot to piss in.
120
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,160
It's just malicious lies,
that's all it is.
121
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,440
They're jealous of what God give me
downstairs.
122
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,160
Yeah. And now I've got nothing left.
123
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,760
You've got me, Dad. Nothing left.
124
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,400
I peeped once, in '78,
and I didn't like it.
125
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,960
I didn't like it one slice.
126
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,280
No. And I vowed to myself
to never peep again.
127
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,320
Yeah.
128
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,640
Tell a lie, I peeped just once more.
129
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,240
Just to make sure I didn't like it.
130
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,760
That was in '89. And I didn't like
it that time, neither.
131
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,280
No. I mean, I'm a milkman
by trade, Ker.
132
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,560
Don't you think I've got
better things to do?
133
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,680
It's all right, Dad,
the truth has to out.
134
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,480
No, it don't, Ker.
The next thing you know
135
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,080
you get a call from the police
who say
136
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,440
they've got CCTV footage
that absolutely nails you
137
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,080
and your DNA all over
a tennis racket cover.
138
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,320
I'm sorry, Ker,
but it's an absolute stitch-up.
139
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,120
It's all right,
I'll look after you, Dad.
140
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,360
THUD!
141
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,440
Oi!
142
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,320
Ah, leave it, Ker.
143
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,840
Leave it.
144
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,480
It's only Alan.
145
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,360
Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake.
146
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,320
So, basically, Slugs is going to
have his date with Kayleigh
147
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,960
just before my date with her,
which actually works in my favour,
148
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,040
because he'll be setting the bar
very, very low.
149
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,000
And by the time I get there I'll be
like a knight in shining armour
150
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,880
and she'll be like
the damsel in distress
151
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,880
and she'll just come running
into my arms.
152
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,040
And if I have to, I will punch him,
153
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,920
just to make sure Kayleigh knows
she's safe...
154
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,840
..but that will be easy cos
it'll be like punching a turkey
155
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,920
or any other flightless bird.
156
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,960
That's sweet, innit?
157
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,160
That reminds me of Kayleigh
cos it looks so cute.
158
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,080
Oh, here he comes, slithering in,
snake in the grass.
159
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,280
'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,
160
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,960
'is that she's got to accept
I'm damaged goods
161
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,680
'and we will have to take it slow,
162
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,280
'but time does heal
even the most cruellest of hearts.'
163
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,000
I'm not saying I've got
a cruel heart,
164
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,400
but if she ain't willing
to take me as I am
165
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,560
rather than the monster I've become,
then she can literally just jog on
166
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,840
back to sea with all the other fish
cos I don't care.
167
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,040
God, you still haven't
made your mind up?
168
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,800
Jeez. It's just a date, mate.
169
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,560
That's all it is.
You're not meeting the Queen.
170
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,880
'Me and Kayleigh, we're like
Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'
171
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,200
And I'm like the Beast, cos the
Beast has got massive trust issues
172
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,760
with being fucked over massive
in the past, yeah?
173
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,080
And Slugs is like Gaston...
174
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,480
'No, he's worse than Gaston,
175
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,080
'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible
little sidekick
176
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,080
'that follows him around everywhere.
177
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
'Like, what I love about Kayleigh
is the fact
178
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,920
'that she's so sweet
and she's so bubbly.'
179
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,520
Her going on a date with Slugs,
I don't mind. Like, most blokes
180
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,240
would go absolutely mad, and, like,
fly off the handle about it.
181
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:19,800
'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,
182
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,480
'because at the end of the day
I know she's only doing it'
183
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,440
cos she's so kind that she doesn't
want to hurt his feelings.
184
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,080
Is that what you're getting?
185
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,720
I didn't say anything.
186
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,720
'What do you look for
in a boyfriend?
187
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,440
'Like, clean...'
188
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,480
Got their own car.
189
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,720
Cos I had a boyfriend once,
but...
190
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,240
..like, by the end, I was just
giving him lifts everywhere.
191
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,240
I mean, I love the way she looks,
but I actually love her personality
192
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,240
just as much because
she'll light up a room.
193
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,920
'If there was a group of people, you
would just see her from a mile off
194
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:58,240
'because she just stands out
because she's got so much energy'
195
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,840
and, yeah, that's why I love her,
I think.
196
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,520
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Flight 730
197
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,600
departing Los Angeles International.
198
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,280
This is your captain Martin Mucklowe
speaking.
199
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,840
Our flight time today will be
12 hours and we should be arriving
200
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,920
at Frankfurt at approximately
1600 hours local time.
201
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,920
I shall now pass you over
to my co-pilot Kerry,
202
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,680
who has some information
on the weather.
203
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,800
Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot,
speaking.
204
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,240
The weather on our route is good
205
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,480
and the forecast is it'll be sunny
in Frankfurt when we arrive.
206
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,920
'Well, I think that Kerry would like
a closer relationship with her dad,'
207
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,320
but, to be fair to Martin...
208
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,840
..he tries.
209
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,640
I don't need to work, Ker.
210
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,640
My bank is the fruity
at the Keeper's.
211
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:47,920
Right. When you get two nudges
on the cherries, hit the cancel,
212
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:48,960
take the Mega Trail.
213
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,520
Won't pay out jackpot
but it'll give you a tenner.
214
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,040
Put the tenner back in, and on
the next hold, hold them all.
215
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,080
Jackpot.
216
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:02,240
I cost the landlord 50 grand a year.
217
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,560
And there's nothing
he can do about it.
218
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,120
'My dad's a legend in this village.'
219
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,920
Once I was walking up
Purley Crescent
220
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,040
and these like smackheads
from Swindon
221
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,960
were about to start on me,
to mug me.
222
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,280
And I go, "Hang on a sec,
do you know who my dad is?"
223
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,560
And they go,
"It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?"
224
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,400
And I go, "Yeah, it is."
And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
225
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,960
And they go, "Oh, your dad's
a legend, by the way."
226
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,240
And I go, "Yeah, I know."
227
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,120
PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
228
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,120
What do you think of that?
229
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,720
Use the diaphragm.
230
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:38,840
I mean, my lungs are so strong
I could blow up a hot water bottle.
231
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,200
Cor!
232
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,520
And watch again.
233
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,720
PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
234
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,920
Something you won't know, Ker, is
the last Thursday of every month
235
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,960
I used to play pool with Fred West.
236
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,480
What? I know he's done
some iffy things,
237
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,160
but as a builder he was top-notch,
238
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,720
best in the West Country.
239
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:14,120
Really? We'd say,
"West, best in the West."
240
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,480
And he'd laugh,
he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"
241
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,560
He could hold four bits of
four-by-four, one-handed.
242
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,960
And there's only one other bloke
that can do that...
243
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,360
and that's my old man.
244
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,360
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
245
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,920
we've started our descent
into Frankfurt Airport
246
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,200
and we should be arriving
15 minutes ahead of schedule.
247
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,120
Now I'd like to pass you over
to my co-pilot Kerry
248
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,920
for an update on the weather.
249
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,720
Hello, this is Kerry speaking.
250
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,680
The weather in Frankfurt
is 21 degrees Celsius.
251
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,640
We wish you a pleasant stay
in Frankfurt
252
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,440
and we hope to see you all again
soon
253
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,280
and on behalf of all of our crew,
254
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,160
thank you for choosing
Martin Mucklowe Airlines
255
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,920
as your airline today.
256
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,280
Right, off to bed, you.
257
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,840
We've got a return flight
from Frankfurt to Los Angeles
258
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,240
in approximately
five hours and 42 minutes.
259
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,360
Roger that. I love you, Dad.
260
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,520
Yeah.
261
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,000
'The key to dating, yeah,
is the two Rs and the three Ts.
262
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,720
'Respect, rapport,
and talking, talking, talking.'
263
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,440
Don't ever let that ball
hit the ground.
264
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,680
'Good relationships are built on
great conversation.'
265
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,040
Plastering...
Right, time's up, fuck off.
266
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,000
On a date, you've got to tell them
all the interesting stuff about you,
267
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,520
because that's what
they'll be interested in.
268
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,800
BIRDSONG
269
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,200
KAYLEIGH SNIFFS
270
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,160
I don't smoke, I vape.
271
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,720
I said, I don't smoke, I vape.
272
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:40,800
I went to this vaping exhibition,
with my cousin, Kerry.
273
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,080
At the NEC and there was about
10,000 of us just vaping.
274
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,760
Yeah, I was on the bus
the other day, yeah, and...
275
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,440
..I was sitting at the back
of the bus
276
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,560
and the bus driver suddenly stopped
the bus, yeah, and goes...
277
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,800
and he walked all
the way down, and goes to me,
278
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,800
"You can't smoke on here."
279
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,200
Guess what I was doing.
280
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,000
Vaping. Vaping, yeah.
281
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,960
Yeah, that's him.
ENGINE STARTS
282
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,640
That's good, good girl,
yeah, that's him.
283
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,120
All right, then.
284
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:32,240
That's it, back her up, back her up,
easy with her.
285
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,600
That's it, she's biting.
286
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,360
She's biting, go on.
That's it, she's biting.
287
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,960
Keep going, easy on the clutch,
though.
288
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,520
Easy on the clutch. Get that right,
yeah, the timing, Ker.
289
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,000
What sort of dog do you reckon
that is?
290
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,800
He said to me, he goes,
"You can't smoke on here."
291
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,760
I said,
"I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."
292
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,880
The look on his face
when I said that.
293
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,680
I don't think he knew what vaping...
what a vape is.
294
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,800
I think it's a Labrador.
295
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,120
That's better.
That's it, that's good.
296
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,640
Go on, my son, yeah, that's better.
297
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,720
Yeah, well done.
298
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,200
Well done, my son.
299
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,600
Oh...
300
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,680
..that's for you as well.
301
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,360
Look how cute that is.
302
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:58,920
Yeah, open it up.
303
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,160
Read that.
304
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,760
"You would make me
the happiest mouse
305
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,800
"if you say yes
and become my spouse."
306
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,880
'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh
for one day,'
307
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,240
but things move fast in the village.
If you don't snap up your girl fast,
308
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,920
some other fella might come
sniffing round it.
309
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,320
If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.
310
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,040
Not in a harsh way,
but just to mark my territory
311
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,880
and warn off other fellas.
312
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,520
Right, let me show you
how to blind someone in a fight.
313
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,640
Ker! Oi, I told you I don't want
to see you,
314
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,360
I'm spending time with my dad.
315
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,640
Kayleigh, this is my cousin Kerry.
316
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,160
And this is my uncle Martin.
317
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,320
Much obliged.
318
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,600
Is it all right if Kayleigh
has a piss in your caravan?
319
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,160
Yeah, but use the toilet, though.
320
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,240
Go on, then.
321
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,480
Oi, how's it going?
I think I bloody love her, Ker.
322
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,040
Really? She's so bubbly.
323
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,680
Got her eating out of the palm
of my hand as well.
324
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,120
She loves the fact I vape.
325
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,960
But you don't vape.
I know, but she don't know that.
326
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,480
That's it. Where's she off?
327
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,520
Kayleigh?
328
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,360
Kayleigh!
329
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,840
What the fuck?
Well, I didn't do nothing.
330
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,200
Oh, my God.
331
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,880
You peeped on her, didn't you?
332
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,440
No, I never.
Kurts... You're a dirty peeper.
333
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,640
Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.
334
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,440
Don't say stuff like that.
He's a dirty peeping bastard.
335
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,200
Shut your mouth. That's what you
are. Everyone knows it, even Alan.
336
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,880
I was doing so well, Ker. Leave it,
all right? Bye-bye, little boy.
337
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,200
Now he's pissed on it,
you peeper. Oh, please, Kurt.
338
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,840
Wait till Alan finds out about this.
339
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,320
Kayleigh! Kayleigh!
340
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,760
You dirty peeping bastard!
341
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,440
Kayleigh!
342
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,760
So what did happen, then?
343
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,400
I was over where you are
making a squash.
344
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,800
And before I know it she bolts out
the door like a feral pig.
345
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,640
So you did nothing at all, Dad?
346
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,200
Nothing, Ker.
You do believe me, don't you?
347
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,120
Look, I wasn't going
to tell you this
348
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,640
but I'll bloody well have to now.
349
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,600
I'm flying to Australia this weekend
and I want you to come with me.
350
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,200
What, as co-pilot?
351
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,240
No, as captain, dipstick.
352
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,080
You're joking!
353
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,800
Right, let's get the map out
and plan the route.
354
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,480
Start here. Heathrow?
Yeah, that's right.
355
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,240
And then we'll stop over
at Singapore.
356
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,000
Right. Stretch our legs.
357
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,680
And then we'll carry on to Brisbane
if the weather holds.
358
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,280
How does that sound?
359
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,040
It sounds like the best day
of my life, to be honest, Dad.
360
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,000
PHONE RINGS
361
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,720
Yep.
362
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,200
Speaking.
363
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,640
Right.
364
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,400
OK. Yeah.
365
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,200
Right, OK. Thanks very much.
366
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,480
Bye now.
367
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,960
They've only gone and bloody
dropped the charges, Ker.
368
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,280
You're joking me!
369
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,280
Bloody Sandra'll be sorry
for kicking me out.
370
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,960
Turning her back on me.
Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.
371
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,920
I never turn my back on you, do I?
Just us two now, yeah, Dad?
372
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,080
Hey, are you going to get the beers
in, then, or what?
373
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,320
Yeah, I was just saying, though,
just us two now, yeah, Dad?
374
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,520
Shop'll be shut in half hour.
375
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,000
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
376
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,120
Yeah.
377
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,240
Right, see you in a minute, then.
378
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,080
'I am raging now.
379
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,240
'I'm proper raging, mate.'
380
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,880
Kayleigh!
381
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,200
I've been looking everywhere
for you.
382
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,480
You all right? Yeah.
383
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,160
Did he touch you? Who?
384
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,160
Kerry's dad. No.
385
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,800
He peeped on you, didn't he?
386
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,720
No. If he exposed himself to you,
yeah,
387
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,960
I promise you I'll kill him
with my own hands, yeah.
388
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,840
He didn't. Well, he must have done
something for you to run away,
389
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,600
because that just doesn't happen.
390
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,960
All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,
391
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,000
next time you take a chick out
on a date, don't bore her to tears.
392
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,720
As if.
393
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,840
Kayleigh, did I bore you
to tears?
394
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,680
Oh, my God.
395
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,560
You ran away
cos I was boring you?
396
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:38,760
Is this a joke?
397
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,920
Look, let me take you out tomorrow,
yeah, and we can just like...
398
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,640
I can't. Why?
399
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,680
I got a boyfriend.
400
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,200
Who?
401
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:53,720
Slugs?
402
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,160
Seriously?
403
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,960
Oh, my God.
404
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,400
I told my nan about you
and everything.
405
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,240
She was so excited
about meeting you.
406
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,880
Fuck...
407
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,520
Roses are red
408
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,560
Violets are blue
409
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:14,920
I've got five fingers
410
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,640
The third one's for you.
411
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,160
And you.
412
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,800
Fucking hell.
413
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,960
Did you see that there?
I am glad I'm out of that now.
414
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,600
Utter poison, the pair of them.
415
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:27,800
Fucking hell.
416
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,720
Dodged a bullet there, I think.
417
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,200
Thing is now, though, I feel bad
for calling Martin a dirty peeper.
418
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,560
Do you know what? He might not
even be a peeper after all.
419
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,040
But if he is, he's probably
just a part-time peeper.
420
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,760
I just don't know why you'd say it.
421
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,400
I know, I said I'm sorry, though,
Ker.
422
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,080
Yeah, but it's not me you need
to apologise to, it's my dad.
423
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,520
Yeah, I will. So why did
she run away, anyway?
424
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:03,200
Well...I didn't want to say, but
apparently you gave her the creeps.
425
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,760
What? Why?
Your face creeped her out.
426
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,680
So as much as I've got to apologise
to you and your dad,
427
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,480
you've actually got to apologise
to me.
428
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,600
All right, well, sorry, Kurts.
429
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,800
Forgiven. Dad, Kurtan's got
something to say to you.
430
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,560
What are you doing?
431
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:23,040
Just packing.
What, for our flight to Australia?
432
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,000
Yeah. It's a simulator, Dad,
you don't need to pack a bag.
433
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,400
Hang on. What's this?
434
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,240
"Gone back to Sandra,
cheers, all the best."
435
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,400
You're going back Sandra's? Yeah.
436
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,520
But aren't we going to do
our flight to Australia?
437
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,160
No. But I thought it was just
me and you now, Dad.
438
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,560
Ah, I got to go.
439
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,440
You ain't going anywhere, mate.
Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.
440
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,840
You can't do this to Ker.
441
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,760
You'd be letting her down again.
442
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,200
Again. I don't need this.
443
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,280
Fuck off. Don't fight.
Don't touch me, mate.
444
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,360
I'm going to lay you out. Come on,
then! Come on. No, stop it.
445
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:56,160
Right. I'll knock you out.
446
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,280
Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on,
then, Charlie large potatoes.
447
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,880
I don't land the first punch,
I play Gypsy rules.
448
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,760
Yeah, well, so do I.
449
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,680
You're going to fight, are you?
450
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,120
Still kick you, though. Pathetic.
451
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,440
Cock.
452
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,680
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Flight 730
453
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,200
departing London Heathrow.
454
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,400
This is your captain
Kerry Mucklowe speaking.
455
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,440
Our flight time is 24 hours
and should arrive in Brisbane
456
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,280
at approximately 1100 hours
local time.
457
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:35,760
This is a solo flight.
458
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,520
Don't let Sandra know,
459
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:47,000
but on the last Thursday of every
month I shag Alan's wife senseless.
460
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,360
He says, "Martin, I can't get it up
no more,
461
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,920
"you're hung like an oxen..."
462
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,040
Yeah. "..so give her a good
stuffing to stop her nagging."
463
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,160
And that's exactly what I does.
464
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,840
I gives her the full works.
465
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:02,120
Alan occasionally comes in to get a
pair of socks but personally I think
466
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,400
he just comes in
to see how I does it.
467
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:08,000
And afterwards we all go down
the Keeper's and he buys me a pint.
36124
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