All language subtitles for Outmatched.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ANNOUNCER:
These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.

And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.

-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.

Come on, guys, I'm hungry.
Let's get to the Pasta Pit.

Hey, Leils, warm up
the car, will you?

Here are the keys.

I got my own.

I'm actually videoconferencing
with a village in Benin,

so I can't come.

Well, your loss.

Today's my fake birthday,

so you'll miss out
on some free cake.

You're lying.

Your voice dropped two decibels
on the word "village."

(laughs awkwardly)
What? You're crazy.

That's your fake laugh.

Therefore, you don't think
he's crazy.

What are you up to?

I detect a faint whiff
of propylene glycol,

so your legs are
recently shaved.

Remnants of a purifying mask.

Charcoal.

Nails painted, hair done.

Nervous glances at your phone.
I've got it.

You're practicing for the LSAT.

No, you dummies.
She's having a boy over.

And she lied to us about it!

This is terrible.

I'm shocked and horrified,
just like a real dad.

So, what's his name?
Where'd you meet him?

Is he exactly like me,
or the complete opposite of me?

'Cause that'll say a lot
about what issues I gave you.

His name is Tyler.
That's all you're getting.

And I'm texting him to cancel.

Absolutely not.

You lied, and you are
punished, young lady.

That boy is coming over
whether you like it or not.

Yep. And we are waiting
right here to meet him.

This is so unfair.

BOTH:
Life's unfair.

(gasps)

We finally got to say it.

All right, I'll order the pizza,

everyone meet back here
in 20 for the show.

BRIAN:
Go.

I pressed the button,
and the car's

-rolling down the driveway.
-(loud crash)

(car alarm wailing)

Never mind, it stopped.

*

Can you believe it?

One of our kids is bringing home
a dating person.

I know.

I hope he does that thing
where he meets me

and he's like, "Nicole,
I didn't know you had a sister."

And I giggle, all flattered,
even though... we both know.

I have a question for Dad.

Why would Nicole
paint her nails for a boy?

Well, buddy,

you see, she's trying
to look her best

to make a good impression
because she likes him.

So, should I do my hair
before our interactions?

Because I like you.

Thank God.

(clears throat)

Uh, but no, no. It-It's
a different kind of like.

It's like how I feel about Mom.

When I see her, my heart races
and I smile.

Interesting.

That happened to me today
at the art museum

when I saw Katherine Holdingham.

Yeah?

Wow, that's great, buddy.
Well...

you've come to the right place.

Your old man knows a thing
or two about the ladies.

First thing, never do that.
(clears throat)

You think you'll see her again?

Perhaps.

I'll go shave my legs,
just in case.

Well, that was almost normal.
I'm taking the "W."

(gasps)
He's here.

Oh, okay, okay.

Uh, how can I look intimidating
when he walks in?

Uh, push-ups?
Oh, no.

Anyone have a gun
I can be cleaning?

You can use my gun.

Thank you, sweetie,
but that's not really scary.

Oh!

We let you use that?!

I'm the fourth kid.
My rules are different.

Do not embarrass me tonight.

Okay, I'm serious.

Relax, we're gonna
leave you two alone.

Yeah, come on, we're not
those type of parents.

-(knock on door)
-You kids have fun.

-Hey, you.
-We were lying.

We're totally those type
of parents.

-So, this is famous Tyler.
-Sup?

I didn't know you had a sister.

Oh, stop.

I'm her mom.

Yeah, I know, ma'am.

I'm talking about
that little girl.

Sup?

Oh, whoa, is that your Vette
parked out there?

Wow, yeah, that's
a pretty sweet ride.

In high school, I had one
just like it...

almost run me over.

Oh, no, it's not mine.

I'm a valet at the mall,
so as long as I keep it running,

I'm technically still
parking it.

He's so humble.
He's not just a valet.

He's also an artist.
Tell them.

(both giggle)

Well, you know
the, uh, "Sunrise" mural

outside of the Billings Library?

Oh. Wow, yeah, that's actually
really good.

Yeah. I graffitied
the penises on it.

BOTH:
Oh.

Those are very... realistic.

Well, I have one, so it's easy.

I, too, have one.

I'm the brother.

I don't need to know your name,
you don't need to know mine.

It's Brian.

But you hurt my sister,
you answer to me.

I respect that.
You know, you're a good brother.

Do whatever you want with her!

Come on, Ty, there's pizza
in the kitchen.

How does he keep his hair
so wet?

Should we be worried about this?

Worried? About Nicole?

No. Come on, Kay.

Trust me, a-as someone
who's been manipulated

by her many, many times,

she's working an angle
with this guy.

(laughs)
Ty... use a plate!

That's her real laugh.

There's no angle.
She likes that guy.

I wonder if he has a brother.

Look at this punk's Instagram.

-Let me see.
-I don't like it.

A guy like this only wants
one thing.

All guys that age
only want one thing.

Yeah, but I'm worried
he could actually

figure out how to get it.

Oh, he could get it.

They growing 'em good
these days.

I'm in the damn room.

No, Mike's right.

This is the guy you throw
your teaching career away on,

not your first boyfriend.

He's gonna break her heart.

Your first love should be
a good experience.

Well, lucky for me,
I married my first love.

Mine was Doug.

Mine was also Doug.

Remember how sexy he was?

-The motorcycle.
-The mesh tank.

BOTH:
The frosted tips. Oh!

(scoffs)
Whatever. Doug.

What kind of sexy guy
has a name like Doug?

Yeah, you tell 'em, Irwin.

And I fell hard for him.

Then he cheated on me.
Destroyed my confidence.

-Took years to get it back.
-Mm.

Went through a bunch of Dylans
and Damons and Daryls.

Just an endless parade of Ds.

I know how this hurts me.

Can you please explain
how it helps our daughter?

Don't worry, I am gonna
talk to Nicole

and convince her that Tyler
is a bad idea

before she gets
her heart broken.

(phone chimes)

Oh, Doug accepted
my friend request.

Girl!

Will you not disrespect me
in front of our white friends?

Thank you for bringing me
to the museum, Dad.

And thank me,
since it's this bad boy

that got us in free.

You folks need a map?

-Thanks, but we're...
-Aah!

Oh, my God.
I-I'm so sorry.

So, you think
Katherine Holdingham

is gonna be here again?

She's here all the time.

(chuckles):
Oh... an older woman.

All right.
You should go talk to her.

That won't be strange?

No, not at all.

But feel free to ask me that

about every other instinct
you have.

Okay, so that guard's
in pretty bad shape there.

Gonna need your statement
for the incident report.

Look at your brother, Bri.

I feel like Marc and I are
finally on the same page.

And now, with my guidance,
he's...

Hi.

...talking to a painting.

Because Katherine Holdingham
is actually

Katherine Holding Ham.

And she's a painting.

(phone chimes)

Hey, Nic.
What you doing?

Texting Tyler.

He just sent "Hey, girrl"
with two Rs.

He's so funny.

So, is Tyler, like...
your boyfriend?

Unofficially, yes.

But officially, he says
he's not into labels.

Mm. Well, if I had
to label that,

it'd probably be something like,
I don't know, red flag.

I mean, are you sure
about Tyler?

I mean, don't you want somebody
who's smart or ambitious

or respects the terms and
conditions of the valet ticket?

That's why I like him.

He challenges the status quo.

Just by taking the cars,

he's upending our very
definition of ownership.

And what's he challenging
with the penises?

He's making a statement about
the role of sex in society.

Feels like the statement is
"I can only draw penises."

Look, it's fine.
You don't like him.

But I don't care. Because when
I'm with him, I'm happy.

You just don't get it because
you don't know him like I do.

Oh, believe me.

I know him better
than you ever will.

Come on.
We're taking a field trip.

-Why are we at a mechanic?
-This isn't a mechanic.

It's a cautionary tale.

Hey, Doug.

Is that Kay Mollen?

Look at you.
Like a Mercedes-Benz.

Doesn't matter how many miles
are on you, you still look good.

I hate the part of me
that kind of likes that.

Anyway, there's someone
I'd like you to meet.

Oh, I see. Been here before.

Hi, sweetie. Uh, I know
I've missed a few birthdays,

I can't promise I'll be...

God, no. I just wanted
to introduce Nicole

to my first-ever boyfriend.

Uh... "boyfriend."

Whoa, babe, I told you 20 years
ago, I'm not into labels.

That includes "dad."
You call me Doug.

You know, Doug has
a very artistic soul.

How's the band?

Arcade fire.

You were in Arcade Fire?

No, that's how
our last gig ended.

Yeah, rock and roll
burned it down!

Actually, the court ruled
it was our bassist.

Anyway, I really liked Doug,
but it ended badly.

DOUG:
Yeah.

You broke my heart.

No, you broke my bicycle,

banging Jenny Furman on it
at my sweet 16.

Oh, yeah, that was a good party.

I banged Jenny Furman
at that party.

Right, I just...

Hey, am I crazy, or is there
still something here?

Meet me in the tire room,
five minutes.

I got a bicycle back there.

Now, you get
why I brought you here?

-I can't believe it.
-Well, believe it.

I had no idea you could
pull such a smoke show.

No! What?
That's not the takeaway.

I knew you could get guys
like Dad, but him?

I've literally never been
more impressed by you.

No, I...

Well, yeah, I did all right.

I want to hear everything.

There's so much I can
finally learn from you.

No, that's really not...

You know what,
let's go get coffee.

Yo, I'm looking
for somebody named Doug.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey.

I just picked up dinner.

We're having ham.

Ha, ha, very funny.

Because I helped Marc
fall in love with a painting

of a girl holding ham.

No.

Just felt like ham.

What's this about our son?

Nothing, ham sounds great.

Marc will love it. So...

how's it going with breaking up
Nicole and Tyler?

Actually, I talked to Nicole,

and we came up
with a better plan for Tyler.

We're gonna fix him.

Oh! Yeah, okay, well,

worked on my old Doberman.

No, no. Look.

I told Nicole
my concerns about Tyler.

And we realized, between
her brains and my experience,

we can turn Tyler into a decent
guy who won't break her heart.

Okay.

Okay. (stammers)

So, instead of breaking them up,

you are milking it so that

you can spend
more time with her.

-No.
-That's your "yes" no.

Fine.

But she's actually listening
to me for once.

We're, like, bonding.

Imagine Brian comes
to you and wants

to toss the old pigskin around--
what are you gonna do?

I'd assume
there was a pig carcass

lying somewhere in our house.

But, yeah, I mean, I guess

if it was football,
I'd be excited.

Well, Tyler's our football.

Look, I wouldn't be doing this
if I didn't think it could work.

(groans) Fine.

And, you should know,

I took Nicole to see Doug.

Did he at least get fat?

Yes.

That's your "no" yes!

So, a painting, huh?

That's a new one.

Is she hot, at least?

She's like a modern six,
Renaissance nine.

But it's still weird,
and it's my fault

for telling him
to go talk to it.

I was just trying
to connect, you know?

I thought he was doing
something normal.

Normal hasn't lived here
in a long time, Mike.

Well, I learned my lesson.

Now I just got to keep him
away from that museum.

Well, I don't know.

You know, half the reason
Rita married me

was 'cause her parents hated me.

They forbid her from seeing me.

There were a lot of

"over my dead bodies"

and "not under my roof."

And "No, everyone else stay,
he leaves.

"No. Stay where you are.

"Don't feel bad for him.

"Put down the rolls.

"You sit.

"You down, he leaves.

"And lock the door
on your way out.

"And start with the top lock
'cause it's a tricky door.

"You got to lift up
and pull out.

'Cause it's been swollen
since the rain."

There were a lot of those?

The point is, if you forbid it,

you'll only drive him to that
painting's ham-holding hands.

No, you got to act
like you're cool with it,

and then maybe
he'll lose interest.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Mm-hmm.

-Thanks, Irwin.
-Mm-hmm.

Hey, listen, if you
ever need my help, I...

I got Doug in my trunk.

Most people go
for the lead guitarist,

but let me give you a tip.

The drummer's
usually in better shape

and the backstage passes
are the same.

That's brilliant.

Mom, you're awesome.

I know this is weird,

but could you write
that on a mug, glaze it,

and make sure
I'm buried with it?

Oh, by the way,

I got through that whole Tyler

to-do list you gave me, yeah.

Even got him to take
"Vape Lord" off his résumé.

Wow, this was supposed
to take you all week.

-How'd you find time
to do it all?
-Oh, it wasn't hard.

I mean, I did have
to quit Model UN, but...

Wait, you what?!

You can't quit Model UN.

What are you, North Korea?

I'm trying to save Tyler
from a fate worse than Doug.

That's more important than
sharing fake nuclear technology

with pretend China.

No, it's...

You shouldn't give up
on the things you love

for some guy who's
just gonna screw you over.

I messed up.

This was a mistake.

What do you mean?

This was your idea.

I was being selfish.

I know better than anyone,

you can't change
Tylers or Dougs.

I was just excited
to be spending time with you.

You have to stop seeing Tyler.

End of discussion.

No.

I can make my own decisions.

I'm too smart to let myself

get manipulated like you did.

Excuse me?

Ever think maybe
the problem wasn't the guys?

Oh. Then who was it?

If the broken
bicycle seat fits...

Okay, you are grounded.

And for the record,

they didn't break the seat,

they snapped off the handlebars.

All right, buddy,
go hang with your painting.

I'll just wait back here
and try to find a statue

I can set up with your brother.

Actually, I think it would be
good for you to talk to her.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm good.

I can just, you know...

Hey.

Dad, I know you
don't understand,

but I would like you to try.

Okay.

I am...

cool with that.

Hey there.

I'm just, uh, gonna pretend
to talk for a minute,

because I told
my son I would, so...

And, yep, he's watching, so...

(chuckles)

Ah, things you do
for your kids, right?

You have kids?

I see you have some meat.

But you also have such sad eyes.

Well, I guess I'd be sad, too,
if I had a ham in my hands

for 200 years and couldn't
eat it. (laughs)

Or maybe you wish
the ham was something else?

Yeah.

Yeah, I get that.

See, I have this brilliant kid.

Oh. You know Marc.

Anyway, sometimes
I wish he was just, like,

a regular dummy, you know,
because then I'd...

then I'd understand him.

I mean, you connect better
with him than I do.

Maybe it's that...

flicker of hope in your smile.

It's kind of reassuring,
actually.

Like, maybe there's
hope for me, too.

Boy... (laughs)

Tell you, I feel better
just standing here.

I feel calm

and inspired

and...

Oh, my God, I get it now.

I get art!

Marc, I understand.

You-- you're not attracted
to the painting.

-Huh?
-You like it because you
feel a connection to it.

And now I do, too.

Which means
I'm connecting with you.

That's nice, but I think
you're weirding people out.

I need backup in room two.

We got another weirdo
who wants to pork a painting.

"After the empire's massacre,
Genghis returned to Mongolia

-with the heads
of his conquests as a..."
-Hey, Nik.

We need to talk about yesterday.

Mom, we were about to get
to what the heads were for!

Wait.

Nicole, what's wrong?

Nothing, I'm still mad at you.

No. When you're mad,
you like to be alone.

(laughs)
You're being ridiculous.

And that's your fake laugh,
so I'm not ridiculous.

What's going on?

Tyler screwed her over.

Really?

I give her dessert.

She's on my payroll.

What happened?

I skipped my Illuminati
of Tomorrow meeting,

so that Tyler could
pick me up from school,

but he never showed.

So, I took an Uber to his house.

Where I caught him making out
with another girl.

(groans)

Sweetie, I am so sorry.

I don't understand.

I'm supposed to be smart.

How could I be so naive?

'Cause it doesn't matter
how smart you are,

the heart is dumb.

But I promise

you are going
to have an easier time

with heartbreak than I did,

because you have something
that I didn't.

Potential.

Good to know Nicole is
still in there, but no.

You have me!

Look, we can go get

mani-pedis and eat ice cream,

and all that crap,
or we could skip

to what'll really
make you feel better...

revenge.

Leila, charge

the walkie-talkies and round up
all the toilet paper.

Can we put pantyhose
on our faces?

Yeah, just grab
the ones from last time.

Yes!

Okay, so the thing you need
to understand is that it's not

about the art, it's about
how it makes you feel.

Oh, well, right now
I'm feeling tricked,

because you said
we were doing something fun.

Okay, wait until you see her.

She's right over he--

Uh, sorry, excuse me?

Where's the painting
that was here?

Oh, that was just on loan.

So, she's gone?

Oh... buddy,

I'm sorry.

I know it hurts, but...

you'll find another painting
that makes you feel

just like Katherine did.

But it's not gonna be today.

Let's get out of here.
(clears throat)

-Really?
-Oh.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson
are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.