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- Good night, Triangle.
- Good night, Square.
2
00:00:02,763 --> 00:00:06,213
Thanks for showing us
how fun it is to learn.
3
00:00:06,248 --> 00:00:09,552
Do you want to get their pajamas,
or should I...
4
00:00:09,637 --> 00:00:10,749
Ohh.
5
00:00:12,639 --> 00:00:15,975
Next, "Blood Orgy 7:
Rise of the Organ Hoarder."
6
00:00:19,179 --> 00:00:20,382
Aah!
7
00:00:25,418 --> 00:00:26,418
Oh, my God!
8
00:00:26,419 --> 00:00:27,486
Why?!
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00:00:27,487 --> 00:00:28,754
Why?!
10
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:36,074
11
00:00:41,801 --> 00:00:43,669
Are you Daniel Boone?
12
00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:46,071
Who's asking?
13
00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:47,906
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
14
00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:49,842
I just came to see Kentucky,
15
00:00:49,943 --> 00:00:51,777
the fifth-largest tobacco producer
16
00:00:51,878 --> 00:00:55,214
and the third-largest coal
producer in the country.
17
00:00:55,315 --> 00:00:57,383
I feel like I am there.
18
00:00:57,484 --> 00:00:59,551
The only thing more painful
than children's theater
19
00:00:59,653 --> 00:01:01,387
is what's going on
with my back right now.
20
00:01:01,488 --> 00:01:04,256
Why can't you take the pills
that the doctor gave you
21
00:01:04,357 --> 00:01:06,258
so that you can enjoy
your son's tour de force?
22
00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:07,826
I just need a little stretch.
23
00:01:07,927 --> 00:01:09,695
Doctors give you pills
for everything today.
24
00:01:09,796 --> 00:01:11,030
Now we need a volunteer.
25
00:01:11,131 --> 00:01:13,332
Mr. Pritchett,
thank you for your enthusiasm.
26
00:01:13,433 --> 00:01:14,933
- What?
- One of our players
27
00:01:15,035 --> 00:01:16,168
has been kidnapped by his stepfather,
28
00:01:16,269 --> 00:01:17,336
but the show must go on.
29
00:01:17,337 --> 00:01:18,437
Place a star on the flag
30
00:01:18,538 --> 00:01:20,339
every time a territory becomes a state.
31
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,907
Seriously, but do the police...
32
00:01:22,008 --> 00:01:24,643
How 'bout a round of applause?!
33
00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:29,148
Faster, please. We're losing them.
34
00:01:29,249 --> 00:01:30,582
Where are you?
35
00:01:30,684 --> 00:01:33,085
You're missing Joe's tribute
to the 50 nifty United States.
36
00:01:34,721 --> 00:01:36,789
I'm at home in bed with the worst cold.
37
00:01:36,890 --> 00:01:38,490
Afraid the whole family's down.
38
00:01:38,591 --> 00:01:41,326
Might've even lost
a few house plants, yeah.
39
00:01:41,428 --> 00:01:43,162
Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now.
40
00:01:43,263 --> 00:01:44,963
Alright. Take care.
41
00:01:49,366 --> 00:01:51,103
- Aah!
- Phil!
42
00:01:51,104 --> 00:01:54,373
You told me you sold your dad's RV!
43
00:01:54,474 --> 00:01:57,076
And you told me you were
running your 5-mile loop!
44
00:01:57,177 --> 00:01:59,278
This street is on your 3-mile course,
45
00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:01,246
so who are you really mad at, Claire?
46
00:02:02,749 --> 00:02:04,383
Gloria, we are so sorry,
47
00:02:04,484 --> 00:02:06,752
but we're not gonna be able
to make it to Joe's play.
48
00:02:06,853 --> 00:02:08,754
No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had...
49
00:02:08,855 --> 00:02:10,856
well, she had emergency surgery,
50
00:02:10,857 --> 00:02:13,659
and, uh, he and Pepper
dropped off their Great Danes
51
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,294
to our place with no warning.
52
00:02:17,063 --> 00:02:18,931
No! No, stay away from that!
Not the vase!
53
00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:22,501
Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go.
54
00:02:22,602 --> 00:02:24,303
You couldn't just say you had a cold?
55
00:02:24,404 --> 00:02:26,305
Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln,
56
00:02:26,406 --> 00:02:28,474
he could've said, "87 years ago,"
57
00:02:28,575 --> 00:02:30,209
and Hamlet could've said,
"Maybe I'll kill myself."
58
00:02:30,310 --> 00:02:32,177
No, it's the finishing touches
59
00:02:32,279 --> 00:02:34,680
that separate the merely good
from great, Mitchell!
60
00:02:34,781 --> 00:02:36,849
Sweetie, I know
you're really tense about this...
61
00:02:36,950 --> 00:02:38,417
No, no, no!
Don't jinx it, don't jinx it!
62
00:02:38,518 --> 00:02:39,885
Cam is up for head coach
63
00:02:39,986 --> 00:02:41,921
- at the University of Nor...
- Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!
64
00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:44,623
Bup, bup!
65
00:02:44,724 --> 00:02:46,759
Cam is up for head football coach
66
00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:49,295
at the University of
North Central Missouri.
67
00:02:49,396 --> 00:02:50,629
It's his dream job,
68
00:02:50,730 --> 00:02:52,665
and they're supposed to
call him about it today,
69
00:02:52,766 --> 00:02:54,500
and it's making him a little crazy.
70
00:02:54,601 --> 00:02:55,634
In f-fact...
71
00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,469
C-Claire's always Dad's favorite,
72
00:02:57,571 --> 00:02:59,171
and I-I'm really miffed about that.
73
00:02:59,272 --> 00:03:01,974
Oh, boy. This again, huh?
74
00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:03,676
Okay. No, go on.
75
00:03:03,777 --> 00:03:05,578
- I'm ready.
- Oh, my God!
76
00:03:05,679 --> 00:03:08,614
- Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her.
- Ah, sweetie! Oh!
77
00:03:08,715 --> 00:03:10,683
Now, may I give you a piece
of advice from my first date?
78
00:03:10,784 --> 00:03:12,284
Don't say how much
you want to have kids,
79
00:03:12,385 --> 00:03:14,119
and don't cry,
because your makeup will run.
80
00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:15,654
I'm more worried about my date running
81
00:03:15,755 --> 00:03:16,956
when he sees you two there.
82
00:03:17,057 --> 00:03:19,091
You'll barely even notice us, okay?
83
00:03:19,192 --> 00:03:21,260
Just be yourself.
You are... You're so funny.
84
00:03:21,521 --> 00:03:23,362
Okay, tell that funny story
85
00:03:23,463 --> 00:03:25,364
of the old drunk guy who
was kissing the donkey.
86
00:03:25,465 --> 00:03:27,533
Oh, because your family's perfect?
87
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:29,401
Okay. Oh, my God! That's it!
88
00:03:29,502 --> 00:03:30,502
That's the job!
89
00:03:30,604 --> 00:03:32,237
Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?!
90
00:03:32,339 --> 00:03:34,673
This is the worst thing
that could be happ...
91
00:03:34,774 --> 00:03:36,339
Okay, it's just my mediation app.
92
00:03:39,346 --> 00:03:41,847
Okay, you need to control your man.
93
00:03:41,948 --> 00:03:43,248
If he gets bad news tonight
94
00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:45,117
and melts down in front of Randy,
95
00:03:45,218 --> 00:03:47,486
I can kiss
"kissing him goodbye" goodbye.
96
00:03:47,587 --> 00:03:49,455
Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Come on, let's go.
97
00:03:49,556 --> 00:03:51,824
I understand we all
get attached to things
98
00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:53,325
that belonged to our parents.
99
00:03:53,426 --> 00:03:54,493
That's not it.
100
00:03:54,494 --> 00:03:56,362
I'm doing this so you and
I can have some adventures.
101
00:03:56,463 --> 00:03:58,297
Can't you see yourself making
lists and folding shirts
102
00:03:58,398 --> 00:04:00,199
while we drive across
the Golden Gate Bridge?
103
00:04:00,683 --> 00:04:02,268
We're never gonna use this thing.
104
00:04:02,369 --> 00:04:04,637
It guzzles gas,
and it takes an hour to park.
105
00:04:04,738 --> 00:04:05,805
Well, then leave it here.
106
00:04:05,906 --> 00:04:07,073
You've always wanted a guest house.
107
00:04:07,174 --> 00:04:09,575
Not one with seat belts
at the dining table.
108
00:04:12,079 --> 00:04:13,212
No discussion, Dylan.
109
00:04:13,313 --> 00:04:15,648
We're taking them to
see a baby psychiatrist.
110
00:04:15,749 --> 00:04:17,450
Are you still talking
about that crazy movie?
111
00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:18,851
Well, it messed them up!
112
00:04:18,952 --> 00:04:20,186
We took them to the park.
113
00:04:20,287 --> 00:04:21,754
Swing set... bored.
114
00:04:21,855 --> 00:04:23,022
Cute squirrels... snore.
115
00:04:23,123 --> 00:04:24,657
Then an old lady walking her poodle
116
00:04:24,758 --> 00:04:26,359
trips and gets dragged
through a rosebush,
117
00:04:26,460 --> 00:04:27,860
and these two burst out laughing
118
00:04:27,961 --> 00:04:29,228
like two stoners in a tickle fight.
119
00:04:29,329 --> 00:04:30,896
I'm sure you're both overreacting
120
00:04:30,998 --> 00:04:32,431
the way all new parents do.
121
00:04:32,532 --> 00:04:33,766
No, Mom, we're screwing this up.
122
00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:35,568
At the very least, we need help,
123
00:04:35,669 --> 00:04:37,270
like... like an au pair or something.
124
00:04:37,371 --> 00:04:38,404
That's two nannies, right?
125
00:04:38,505 --> 00:04:39,238
- Correct.
- Okay.
126
00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:40,840
Ohh.
127
00:04:40,941 --> 00:04:44,543
Look at how gentle they're
being with that butterfly.
128
00:04:44,645 --> 00:04:46,479
See? You two were worrying for no...
129
00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:48,614
- They're tearing it apart.
- Oh God!
130
00:04:48,715 --> 00:04:51,250
What do you say we leave
the babies with Farrah
131
00:04:51,351 --> 00:04:53,352
and the grown-ups go out and
talk about this over dinner?
132
00:04:53,453 --> 00:04:56,055
Great idea. Oh! Four people, though.
133
00:04:56,156 --> 00:04:57,890
Try fitting that in a regular car.
134
00:04:57,991 --> 00:04:59,358
Wait a minute.
135
00:04:59,459 --> 00:05:02,862
What if we took the R...
You kidding me?!
136
00:05:02,963 --> 00:05:04,964
Remind me to buy some wheel blocks!
137
00:05:08,602 --> 00:05:10,169
Oh, God. Lily needs my help.
138
00:05:12,873 --> 00:05:14,173
What the hell are you doing?
139
00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:15,975
I'm... I'm trying to get her to
tell that funny donkey story.
140
00:05:16,076 --> 00:05:17,543
By making an Eeyore sound?
141
00:05:17,644 --> 00:05:19,779
You know what?
Not all donkeys are depressed.
142
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,213
That's an offensive stereotype
143
00:05:21,315 --> 00:05:23,549
perpetuated by a bunch
of ignorant Iowans.
144
00:05:24,219 --> 00:05:25,318
Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing!
145
00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:26,952
It's just Longinus.
146
00:05:26,953 --> 00:05:29,422
Yeah, we know.
You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys.
147
00:05:29,523 --> 00:05:30,790
Nobody cares.
148
00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,460
My friend said we should try the potato.
149
00:05:34,561 --> 00:05:35,695
- Lily!
- Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
150
00:05:35,796 --> 00:05:36,929
- Hey.
- Hi!
151
00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:38,197
Hey, guys! What are you doing here?
152
00:05:38,298 --> 00:05:40,150
Oh, just taking a break
from scarring our children.
153
00:05:40,185 --> 00:05:40,867
Now, come on.
154
00:05:40,904 --> 00:05:43,069
Haley and Dylan were having
a little bit of a meltdown,
155
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:44,670
and we thought we'd
hit Spuds one last time
156
00:05:44,771 --> 00:05:45,771
before they close for good.
157
00:05:45,772 --> 00:05:47,506
I know. It's sad, isn't it?
158
00:05:47,607 --> 00:05:49,275
- Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here...
- Yeah!
159
00:05:49,376 --> 00:05:52,278
- ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us.
- Yes! Oh.
160
00:05:52,379 --> 00:05:54,814
? Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ?
161
00:05:54,915 --> 00:05:56,549
? Spuds' potatoes amaze ?
162
00:05:56,650 --> 00:05:57,917
? Happy birthday ?
163
00:05:58,018 --> 00:05:59,852
I want to stress that I'm adopted.
164
00:05:59,953 --> 00:06:01,754
Why don't we leave the
lovebirds to their date?
165
00:06:01,755 --> 00:06:02,822
Good idea, but you know what?
166
00:06:02,867 --> 00:06:05,558
Spuds is better with more people,
much like a vehicle.
167
00:06:05,659 --> 00:06:07,560
Let's... Let's see if they can
sit the rest of us together.
168
00:06:07,661 --> 00:06:09,729
- Okay, yeah. Alright.
- Okay.
169
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:16,936
I'd been following Cam's
competitor for the coaching spot
170
00:06:17,037 --> 00:06:18,554
on Instagram, and...
171
00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,841
...he beat Cam out for the job,
which meant, any minute,
172
00:06:21,886 --> 00:06:24,110
Cam would be getting the
devastating news himself.
173
00:06:24,178 --> 00:06:27,113
And I-I-I couldn't rely on the
joyful environment of Spuds
174
00:06:27,214 --> 00:06:28,881
to cushion the blow.
175
00:06:28,982 --> 00:06:31,050
Although, it is famously
where Larry King broke up
176
00:06:31,151 --> 00:06:32,685
with four of his wives.
177
00:06:32,786 --> 00:06:33,919
Cam. Cam.
178
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:35,821
I-I-I just got some bad news,
179
00:06:35,922 --> 00:06:37,390
and I think it's best
that you hear it from me.
180
00:06:37,491 --> 00:06:38,591
Oh, I heard.
181
00:06:38,692 --> 00:06:40,025
They're out of the Impossible Potato.
182
00:06:40,127 --> 00:06:41,427
Now, I'm sorry,
183
00:06:41,528 --> 00:06:44,096
you advertise the first
potato made entirely of meat,
184
00:06:44,197 --> 00:06:46,198
ya better have enough for everyone.
185
00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:50,953
Please just take those pills.
186
00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:53,422
You're more crooked than
General James Wilkinson
187
00:06:53,523 --> 00:06:55,824
during the Louisiana Purchase.
188
00:06:55,925 --> 00:06:57,593
We're down to the last state.
189
00:06:57,694 --> 00:06:59,561
It's actually better if I move.
190
00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:04,024
Wow. This is gorgeous.
191
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:05,734
What do you call this place, again?
192
00:07:05,835 --> 00:07:07,002
Pearl Harbor.
193
00:07:14,444 --> 00:07:15,611
Aah!
194
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:18,313
Save the flag, boys!
195
00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:27,923
Haley, get off your phone.
196
00:07:28,024 --> 00:07:29,692
The babies are fine with Dylan's mom.
197
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,894
If you're feeling tense,
my dad's old foot bath is in the RV.
198
00:07:31,995 --> 00:07:33,696
Plugs right into the cigarette lighter.
199
00:07:33,797 --> 00:07:35,197
Honey, there could be a money volcano
200
00:07:35,298 --> 00:07:37,299
that plugs right into a
white wine fountain in there.
201
00:07:37,401 --> 00:07:38,534
I still wouldn't want it.
202
00:07:38,635 --> 00:07:40,035
I keep remembering things
I forgot to tell her.
203
00:07:40,137 --> 00:07:41,670
My kids are already sociopaths.
204
00:07:41,772 --> 00:07:43,873
I don't need to give them a
strawberry allergy on top of it.
205
00:07:43,974 --> 00:07:45,107
Oh, I completely, totally get that.
206
00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:46,242
Just gonna turn this off.
207
00:07:46,343 --> 00:07:49,245
You know what? Hey, let...
let's all turn off our phones. Come on.
208
00:07:49,346 --> 00:07:51,280
Yeah, you can... No, come on.
Live in the moment.
209
00:07:51,381 --> 00:07:53,449
I mean, appreciate the
fact that we live in a town
210
00:07:53,550 --> 00:07:54,950
with family and friends
211
00:07:55,051 --> 00:07:56,786
all sitting at the same table where...
212
00:07:56,887 --> 00:07:59,955
Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower
planned the D-Day invasion."
213
00:08:00,056 --> 00:08:01,257
Well, that's probably not true.
214
00:08:01,358 --> 00:08:02,425
Sounds like somebody's nervous
215
00:08:02,526 --> 00:08:03,893
about a possible move to Missouri.
216
00:08:03,994 --> 00:08:05,561
No, I'm... I'm just pointing out
217
00:08:05,662 --> 00:08:07,863
that there are a lot of
really great things here.
218
00:08:07,964 --> 00:08:09,198
Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame
219
00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:11,500
to cut that blossoming
relationship short?
220
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:14,103
Actually, I'm not so sure how
much I trust that Randy guy.
221
00:08:14,204 --> 00:08:16,105
I mean, what kind of sicko is
attracted to a 12-year-old?
222
00:08:16,206 --> 00:08:17,840
I wonder if his parents
messed him up, too.
223
00:08:17,941 --> 00:08:19,408
You know, I read on a mommy blog
224
00:08:19,509 --> 00:08:21,928
that bad parenting is a direct
link to future criminality...
225
00:08:21,963 --> 00:08:23,512
- and deejaying.
- Okay, you know what?
226
00:08:23,513 --> 00:08:24,780
You two need to be careful
227
00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:27,416
because you can read so
much about how to parent,
228
00:08:27,517 --> 00:08:28,851
you miss out on being one.
229
00:08:28,952 --> 00:08:30,586
Mitchell struggled with that.
230
00:08:30,687 --> 00:08:32,588
Just relax.
231
00:08:32,689 --> 00:08:33,756
Aww, sweetheart.
232
00:08:34,271 --> 00:08:35,158
Oh.
233
00:08:35,219 --> 00:08:37,126
- Did you put hair spray in this?
- Just a little bit, yes.
234
00:08:37,227 --> 00:08:38,494
I'm gonna put some music on.
235
00:08:38,595 --> 00:08:40,396
- No, Cam, I have to go work.
- Dance with her!
236
00:08:40,497 --> 00:08:41,964
- Come on. I don't have time for this.
- Put a little boogie in it.
237
00:08:42,065 --> 00:08:43,199
- No, come on, it...
- ? Stand up ?
238
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,201
Just dance. You know you love this song.
239
00:08:45,302 --> 00:08:46,669
Alright. Okay.
240
00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:48,671
Who's the dancing queen, huh?
241
00:08:48,772 --> 00:08:50,739
?...all over town ?
242
00:08:50,841 --> 00:08:52,541
Put a little boogie in it.
243
00:08:52,642 --> 00:08:53,943
See? Fun.
244
00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:56,111
- Oh, my...
- Was that her head?
245
00:08:56,213 --> 00:08:58,280
Sorry. I forgot how that story ended.
246
00:08:58,381 --> 00:09:00,583
It ended with us in the ER
247
00:09:00,684 --> 00:09:03,118
of one of the best
hospitals in the world.
248
00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:04,787
Nice having that only a mile away.
249
00:09:04,888 --> 00:09:06,922
I'll have you know that the
life expectancy in Missouri
250
00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:08,824
just climbed above Arkansas and Guam.
251
00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:10,693
Okay, give me back my phone.
I'm ordering baby helmets.
252
00:09:10,794 --> 00:09:12,027
Stop worrying.
253
00:09:12,128 --> 00:09:13,963
Kids get bonked all the time.
254
00:09:14,064 --> 00:09:16,258
Do you know how many tumbles Luke took?
255
00:09:17,968 --> 00:09:20,002
I think he wants to go out.
256
00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:21,670
Good boy!
257
00:09:21,771 --> 00:09:23,405
Smart dog.
258
00:09:23,507 --> 00:09:25,608
I hate to break it to you,
but I think all dogs can do that.
259
00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:27,042
I'm gonna play outside.
260
00:09:28,678 --> 00:09:29,979
Ow!
261
00:09:31,248 --> 00:09:32,648
What happened?
262
00:09:32,749 --> 00:09:34,316
And he's fine.
263
00:09:34,417 --> 00:09:35,484
...ish.
264
00:09:35,585 --> 00:09:38,337
I love the guy, but we're aiming
a little bit higher than Luke.
265
00:09:38,438 --> 00:09:40,239
Haley, you kind of want your kids
to get knocked around a little.
266
00:09:40,340 --> 00:09:41,374
It toughens them up for things
267
00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:43,247
that we all go through in adulthood.
268
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:44,644
Daddy wins!
269
00:09:44,745 --> 00:09:46,646
Do you believe in miracles?!
270
00:09:46,747 --> 00:09:49,148
USA! US...
271
00:09:49,249 --> 00:09:50,283
Oh, no!
272
00:09:50,384 --> 00:09:51,774
Oh, geez!
273
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,353
Oh, my... What was that?
274
00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:55,288
- Was that a person that fell...
- I'm good!
275
00:09:55,289 --> 00:09:56,322
Dad?!
276
00:09:56,323 --> 00:09:57,390
Hey, Dad, think fast.
277
00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:00,826
Aren't you being a little...
278
00:10:04,364 --> 00:10:05,698
But this isn't an emergen...
279
00:10:10,537 --> 00:10:12,772
Now it i-i-i-i-is!
280
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,107
I mean, sure,
I can no longer taste salt, but...
281
00:10:15,209 --> 00:10:17,009
I know that they're going
to get bumps and bruises,
282
00:10:17,110 --> 00:10:19,545
but I'm talking about
psychological scars.
283
00:10:19,646 --> 00:10:21,447
I've had some experience
with that myself.
284
00:10:21,994 --> 00:10:23,082
- Surpri...
- Oh, oh!
285
00:10:23,775 --> 00:10:25,418
No! Oh!
286
00:10:25,519 --> 00:10:26,885
- No!
- No!
287
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,022
I'm sorry!
288
00:10:28,057 --> 00:10:29,655
- Nothing's happening!
- Oh, my God!
289
00:10:29,656 --> 00:10:31,157
It still haunts her.
290
00:10:31,258 --> 00:10:33,125
Not to be weird,
but she still won't let me
291
00:10:33,227 --> 00:10:35,061
mention your names
while we're making love.
292
00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:38,364
- Okay.
- Well, well, well.
293
00:10:38,465 --> 00:10:41,400
Yes, well, well, well.
294
00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:43,636
I see your cold is better.
295
00:10:43,737 --> 00:10:45,838
Turns out it was, like,
an allergy... thing.
296
00:10:45,939 --> 00:10:48,074
And Pepper's Great Danes?
297
00:10:48,175 --> 00:10:50,042
Oh, uh, well, you know,
they're big dogs.
298
00:10:50,143 --> 00:10:52,278
They... um, and they don't,
uh, uh, live long.
299
00:10:52,379 --> 00:10:53,446
So they're...
300
00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:54,714
they're dead.
301
00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:56,816
I must look like Frederick Seward
302
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,884
during the Alaska Purchase,
303
00:10:58,986 --> 00:11:01,754
because, apparently,
you think that I'll buy anything.
304
00:11:01,855 --> 00:11:03,356
Gloria, okay, okay.
305
00:11:03,457 --> 00:11:05,091
We're s... We're sorry...
We're sorry we lied to you,
306
00:11:05,192 --> 00:11:06,926
but if it makes you feel any better,
307
00:11:07,027 --> 00:11:09,061
Longinus took this
really great photo of you
308
00:11:09,162 --> 00:11:11,130
at the Shakira concert
the night that you missed
309
00:11:11,231 --> 00:11:12,732
Lily's clarinet recital
because of pink eye.
310
00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:13,866
Ohh!
311
00:11:14,868 --> 00:11:16,769
I see that you've been waiting
312
00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:18,271
to spring that attack on me,
313
00:11:18,372 --> 00:11:21,474
just like Andrew Jackson in
the Battle of New Orleans.
314
00:11:21,575 --> 00:11:22,808
Is this my life now?
315
00:11:22,909 --> 00:11:24,143
I'm gonna use the restroom.
316
00:11:24,244 --> 00:11:26,512
Will someone order the
table-side baked potatoes?
317
00:11:26,613 --> 00:11:28,714
I mean, that's half of why
you come here... for the show.
318
00:11:30,384 --> 00:11:32,485
- Public restroom, huh?
- Mm.
319
00:11:32,586 --> 00:11:34,754
Shame he can't go in the
privacy of his own car.
320
00:11:34,855 --> 00:11:37,189
It's true. The RV does have a bathroom.
321
00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:39,058
And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee,
322
00:11:39,159 --> 00:11:41,027
bear-proof undercarriage food bins.
323
00:11:41,128 --> 00:11:42,895
And how many miles
would you say is on it?
324
00:11:42,996 --> 00:11:43,996
Wait!
325
00:11:45,232 --> 00:11:46,799
You're selling her on Craigslist?
326
00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:48,501
And this isn't even a good picture!
327
00:11:48,602 --> 00:11:50,102
This is her bad side!
328
00:11:50,203 --> 00:11:52,338
Hey, look,
I get the value of an RV, Claire.
329
00:11:52,439 --> 00:11:55,775
There is so much natural beauty
to explore here in California.
330
00:11:55,876 --> 00:11:57,376
The Golden State!
331
00:11:57,477 --> 00:11:58,978
Are you really trying to get
out of moving to Missouri?
332
00:11:59,079 --> 00:12:00,346
No, no!
333
00:12:00,447 --> 00:12:04,183
Sounds like what we need
is a Missouri Compromise.
334
00:12:04,284 --> 00:12:06,886
Gloria, are you drugging
Grandpa's Potato-tini?
335
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:09,155
You saw how bent over he is.
336
00:12:09,256 --> 00:12:11,424
For some reason, he's scared of pills,
337
00:12:11,525 --> 00:12:13,459
and I can't watch him suffer anymore.
338
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,262
I hate it when they get cute
with the bathroom signs.
339
00:12:16,363 --> 00:12:18,064
Why would French fries mean ladies
340
00:12:18,165 --> 00:12:19,965
and baked potato gents?
341
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,500
Just throw one of them into a skirt.
342
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,436
So, uh, Dad,
343
00:12:23,537 --> 00:12:26,105
Gloria says that you won't
take pills for your back?
344
00:12:26,206 --> 00:12:27,973
I got to get this from all sides now?
345
00:12:28,075 --> 00:12:30,376
I don't like what they do to me,
alright?
346
00:12:30,477 --> 00:12:32,645
They make me feel super...
347
00:12:32,746 --> 00:12:34,714
Horny? Constipated?
348
00:12:34,815 --> 00:12:36,315
Emotional.
349
00:12:36,416 --> 00:12:39,151
You know, sometimes you can
just ride out a pause, buddy.
350
00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:41,587
Anyway, the pain got so bad,
I broke down.
351
00:12:41,688 --> 00:12:42,888
I took a couple in the men's room,
352
00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:45,558
which is the maximum dose, so strap in.
353
00:12:45,659 --> 00:12:46,726
N-N...
354
00:12:48,328 --> 00:12:49,628
You know, I'm gonna miss this place.
355
00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:52,465
Look, Spuddy Holly!
356
00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:54,066
He just about said it all, didn't he?
357
00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:56,736
"Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise.
358
00:12:56,837 --> 00:12:59,105
Spuds' potatoes do amaze."
359
00:13:00,406 --> 00:13:03,100
- Four pills? Is he gonna be okay?
- He can handle it.
360
00:13:03,161 --> 00:13:05,334
Dad lived through the closet scene
in the '80s.
361
00:13:05,336 --> 00:13:06,369
So did I.
362
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:08,738
Oh, my God.
He's talking to Lily and Dylan!
363
00:13:09,973 --> 00:13:11,307
I'm Dylan.
364
00:13:11,408 --> 00:13:14,310
You know, Randy,
you remind me of a young me,
365
00:13:14,411 --> 00:13:16,746
prowling Saigon with
a Vietnamese beauty.
366
00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:18,314
- There was this one bar I used to...
- Let's go.
367
00:13:18,415 --> 00:13:20,216
Let's get you some black coffee.
368
00:13:20,317 --> 00:13:23,019
Peekaboo! George! Poppy!
369
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,088
Hello? Is anybody home?
370
00:13:26,657 --> 00:13:29,247
What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills.
371
00:13:29,282 --> 00:13:31,160
- Who wanted coffee?
- Ah, here!
372
00:13:31,161 --> 00:13:32,228
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
373
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:35,231
They're laughing! See? They're psychos!
374
00:13:35,332 --> 00:13:38,134
Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay?
375
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,137
I actually don't feel anything,
which is even more scary.
376
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,972
Don't be scared to feel, buddy.
377
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,674
You could end up running away
378
00:13:44,775 --> 00:13:47,443
from an emotional
situation with your kids,
379
00:13:47,544 --> 00:13:50,346
and those are always the most rewarding.
380
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:51,681
You ask me, you're lucky.
381
00:13:51,782 --> 00:13:53,182
She dumped me by text
382
00:13:53,283 --> 00:13:55,017
while making out with her old boyfriend.
383
00:13:55,119 --> 00:13:56,519
I broke down crying.
384
00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:59,021
My charcoal ran like mascara.
385
00:13:59,123 --> 00:14:01,557
I had to be comforted by
the other team's mascot.
386
00:14:01,658 --> 00:14:03,025
Lucky?
387
00:14:03,127 --> 00:14:04,594
Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you.
388
00:14:04,695 --> 00:14:08,431
It sucks, and sometimes it's
got to suck for a while.
389
00:14:08,532 --> 00:14:10,733
I just wish I could say some magic words
390
00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:12,869
or give you a hug, make it all go away.
391
00:14:16,006 --> 00:14:18,074
In a way, he raised me.
392
00:14:18,175 --> 00:14:20,643
Pull yourself together, man!
393
00:14:20,744 --> 00:14:22,445
Haley, um,
394
00:14:22,546 --> 00:14:25,982
I think what your...
chemically humanized grandfather
395
00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:28,230
is trying to say is that kids
are built to last.
396
00:14:28,786 --> 00:14:30,119
Sure, they... they go through stuff,
397
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:32,288
but they survive,
especially when you're around to help.
398
00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:35,224
I miss him.
399
00:14:35,325 --> 00:14:37,260
Yeah.
400
00:14:37,361 --> 00:14:39,662
He was your first real boyfriend.
401
00:14:39,763 --> 00:14:42,632
I keep expecting him to show up.
402
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:45,735
He used to come by at night,
and I'd sneak out to see him.
403
00:14:45,836 --> 00:14:47,270
Yeah, I know.
404
00:14:47,371 --> 00:14:48,571
You knew?
405
00:14:48,672 --> 00:14:52,175
His car is 30 years old
and doesn't have a muffler.
406
00:14:52,276 --> 00:14:53,709
And he honked.
407
00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:56,813
I loved that car.
408
00:14:56,821 --> 00:14:58,681
I know it hurts now, sweetheart,
409
00:14:58,782 --> 00:15:02,885
but that's how you know it was
a relationship worth having.
410
00:15:08,592 --> 00:15:10,359
Aw.
411
00:15:10,461 --> 00:15:11,894
Well, what happened?
412
00:15:11,895 --> 00:15:12,929
Did he come back?
413
00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:14,831
That...
414
00:15:14,932 --> 00:15:16,165
That was you, buddy.
415
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:18,734
I love this kid.
416
00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:20,236
I remember when he was a baby.
417
00:15:21,152 --> 00:15:23,973
We met my senior year of high school.
418
00:15:24,074 --> 00:15:25,508
Who does everyone think I am?
419
00:15:25,609 --> 00:15:27,143
You know, it's...
420
00:15:27,156 --> 00:15:30,680
Thing about babies, you...
you fall in love with a baby
421
00:15:30,781 --> 00:15:32,515
with the cutest little fat folds,
422
00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,567
and then... bam... they're gone.
423
00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,736
But it's okay, because in its place
424
00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:39,205
is this... toddler
425
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,307
with the greatest laugh on Earth.
426
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:43,610
And then one day, the toddler's gone,
427
00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:45,745
and in its place, a little kid
428
00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:49,716
that asks the most interesting
questions you've ever heard.
429
00:15:49,817 --> 00:15:51,451
And this keeps going on like that,
430
00:15:51,552 --> 00:15:54,053
but you never get the
chance to miss any of them,
431
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:57,657
'cause there's always a new kid
to take the place of the old.
432
00:15:57,758 --> 00:15:59,192
Until they grow up.
433
00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:02,528
And then... in a moment,
434
00:16:02,630 --> 00:16:06,199
all those kids you fell in love with
435
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,234
walk out the door at the same time.
436
00:16:09,103 --> 00:16:10,136
Jesus.
437
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,537
Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer.
438
00:16:11,639 --> 00:16:13,806
I'm just saying it goes fast.
439
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:16,409
Like the expression...
440
00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:18,845
"You never know the last
time you pick up your kid."
441
00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,446
The point we're making, Haley,
442
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:22,548
is that it's natural to
worry over your kids.
443
00:16:22,650 --> 00:16:24,617
It... It just means that you love them.
444
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:27,387
So, I'm always gonna feel like
I screwed them up somehow?
445
00:16:27,488 --> 00:16:29,022
Kind of.
446
00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,190
I mean, eventually,
you'll be able to laugh at it...
447
00:16:31,292 --> 00:16:34,360
probably around the time that
you're reassuring your own children
448
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:35,762
that they didn't screw up their babies.
449
00:16:36,602 --> 00:16:37,663
Thanks.
450
00:16:37,665 --> 00:16:39,799
No, actually, thank you.
451
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,235
It's nice to know, as parents,
that we can still have...
452
00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:43,369
Dad?
453
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,305
I miss picking up my little girl.
454
00:16:45,406 --> 00:16:47,473
And it won't be the last time, damn it!
455
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:48,841
- Oh!
- You want a piggyback ride, honey?
456
00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:50,243
No. No. No.
457
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:51,611
- You sure?
- Okay, I'm calling it.
458
00:16:51,712 --> 00:16:52,779
Oh, my gosh!
459
00:16:52,780 --> 00:16:53,780
Okay, this is it!
460
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:54,847
Uh...
461
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:55,982
Hello?
462
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,386
- The French fries were only okay.
- Sorry about that.
463
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,522
- Took a minute getting Jay to his car.
- Mm.
464
00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:04,641
He saw a cloud that looked
like his old football coach,
465
00:17:04,742 --> 00:17:06,943
- and he didn't want to be alone.
- Ohh!
466
00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:09,312
- Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh?
- Yeah.
467
00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:10,480
Yeah.
468
00:17:10,581 --> 00:17:12,816
By the way...
469
00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:15,685
I got a response to my Craigslist ad.
470
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,554
Oh. Oh, that was fast.
471
00:17:17,655 --> 00:17:18,721
Yeah.
472
00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:20,523
Yeah, really nice couple,
473
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,058
soon to be empty nesters...
474
00:17:22,159 --> 00:17:24,761
three kids, two new grandkids.
475
00:17:24,862 --> 00:17:26,930
Wife's a little high-strung.
476
00:17:27,031 --> 00:17:28,531
Husband's a bit of an oddball
477
00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:30,433
with an infectious lust for life.
478
00:17:30,534 --> 00:17:32,202
They sound like weirdos. No sale.
479
00:17:32,303 --> 00:17:34,237
Phil, I'm talking about us.
480
00:17:34,338 --> 00:17:35,472
We should keep the RV.
481
00:17:35,573 --> 00:17:37,273
That is amazing.
482
00:17:37,374 --> 00:17:39,442
What changed your mind?
483
00:17:39,543 --> 00:17:43,012
I think it was hearing
all those stories tonight.
484
00:17:43,114 --> 00:17:44,347
And the kids'll be gone soon.
485
00:17:44,448 --> 00:17:46,649
We'll probably spend a
lot of time on the road.
486
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:49,519
Might as well do it in
the height of luxury...
487
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:53,022
with a carpeted bathroom and
a four-in-one game table.
488
00:17:53,124 --> 00:17:54,657
- You're incredible.
- Mm.
489
00:17:54,758 --> 00:17:56,659
What did I do to deserve
a wife cool enough
490
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,729
to let me keep my dad's
RV and his newborn parrot?
491
00:18:00,207 --> 00:18:03,233
- His newborn what?
- Mmmmmwah.
492
00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:05,168
- Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8...
- Mmmmmm.
493
00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:13,443
That was not the call I was expecting.
494
00:18:13,544 --> 00:18:15,512
Sweetie, I know.
495
00:18:15,613 --> 00:18:18,114
I-I saw the other coach
celebrating on Instagram,
496
00:18:18,215 --> 00:18:20,550
uh, drenching himself in Gatorade...
in the house.
497
00:18:20,651 --> 00:18:22,519
There was a rug.
Who's gonna clean that up?
498
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,187
Not him, I bet.
499
00:18:24,288 --> 00:18:26,523
I'm reading from your face that you
didn't know until I just told you.
500
00:18:26,624 --> 00:18:27,824
Now I'm just talking out of nerves.
501
00:18:27,925 --> 00:18:29,159
Damn it! I...
502
00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:31,327
I didn't get it?!
503
00:18:31,428 --> 00:18:34,697
I mean, I know I'm hard to read,
but I really wanted that job.
504
00:18:34,798 --> 00:18:37,267
I'm so sorry. C-Come here.
505
00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:39,068
Wait, is that why
you were selling California
506
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:40,603
all night long to me?
507
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,272
Because you wanted to soften
the blow when I heard?
508
00:18:42,373 --> 00:18:45,175
- Yeah.
- Well, that is weirdly sweet.
509
00:18:45,276 --> 00:18:47,076
- I'll be there in a second.
- Okay.
510
00:18:47,178 --> 00:18:50,780
- Um...
- Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed.
511
00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:52,515
- Ha ha!
- It totally broke the ice.
512
00:18:52,616 --> 00:18:53,983
We've been having so much fun!
513
00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:55,218
Oh, honey! I'm so happy!
514
00:18:55,319 --> 00:18:56,553
Thanks. Me, too.
515
00:18:56,654 --> 00:18:58,488
He asked if I could go
outside and get ice cream.
516
00:18:58,589 --> 00:19:00,557
- Can I?
- O-Of course, yes.
517
00:19:00,658 --> 00:19:03,293
But just make good choices
about the toppings.
518
00:19:03,294 --> 00:19:05,128
Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax.
519
00:19:07,198 --> 00:19:10,066
Well, now,
there's a small victory at least, right?
520
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:13,003
First date was a success,
and we get an assist.
521
00:19:13,104 --> 00:19:14,604
S... Uh, sorry... football term.
522
00:19:14,705 --> 00:19:16,106
Eh, except it isn't.
523
00:19:16,207 --> 00:19:17,841
Uh, by the way,
what was that phone call you got?
524
00:19:17,942 --> 00:19:20,710
Oh. Uh crazy.
525
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,112
Our adoption agency.
526
00:19:22,213 --> 00:19:23,446
From years ago?
527
00:19:23,547 --> 00:19:27,217
Y-Yeah, apparently, uh,
they were migrating the database,
528
00:19:27,318 --> 00:19:30,754
and somehow, our profile got
accidentally reactivated and...
529
00:19:30,855 --> 00:19:32,055
and somebody picked us.
530
00:19:32,156 --> 00:19:33,623
Wait, picked us?
531
00:19:33,724 --> 00:19:35,859
A-As in there... there's a baby?
532
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,193
I know. Wild, right?
533
00:19:37,295 --> 00:19:39,195
W-Well, you... you told them no?
534
00:19:39,297 --> 00:19:41,398
Well, it felt wrong until
I talked to you about it,
535
00:19:41,499 --> 00:19:43,600
but, yeah, I-I'll... I will.
536
00:19:43,701 --> 00:19:44,701
I'll tell 'em.
537
00:19:46,437 --> 00:19:48,238
It was really fun telling
those stories tonight.
538
00:19:48,339 --> 00:19:49,406
Yeah.
539
00:19:49,407 --> 00:19:51,274
Really puts losing a job in perspective.
540
00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:52,876
You know, none of our best memories
541
00:19:52,977 --> 00:19:55,312
have anything to do with work.
542
00:19:55,413 --> 00:19:57,380
They all have to do with that
little girl right out there.
543
00:19:57,481 --> 00:19:59,482
Well, you know,
she's not so little anymore.
544
00:20:01,018 --> 00:20:03,286
Oh. Oh, I think we're about
to have a hand-holding moment.
545
00:20:08,326 --> 00:20:09,893
You know, we got pretty good
at this parenting thing,
546
00:20:09,994 --> 00:20:11,027
didn't we?
547
00:20:13,842 --> 00:20:17,367
Um... so, uh, we...
we have to tell the agency tonight?
548
00:20:19,503 --> 00:20:23,673
Well, technically,
we have 24 hours to, uh... decide.
549
00:20:23,774 --> 00:20:24,808
Okay.
550
00:20:32,871 --> 00:20:35,211
Jay. I'm sorry.
551
00:20:35,312 --> 00:20:37,380
I will never drug you again.
552
00:20:37,481 --> 00:20:39,916
But it was so nice to see
you so open and honest.
553
00:20:40,017 --> 00:20:42,400
Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe."
554
00:20:42,435 --> 00:20:43,452
Who's that?
555
00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:47,323
It's probably good to be
emotional every now and then.
556
00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:51,093
I should probably practice
letting it out without a pill.
557
00:20:51,195 --> 00:20:53,362
Hey, I was proud of you
in that show you did.
558
00:20:53,464 --> 00:20:54,664
I love you!
559
00:20:54,765 --> 00:20:57,591
I know. We had this conversation
four times last night.
560
00:20:57,626 --> 00:20:58,301
Really?
561
00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:01,804
Um, maybe you should check
your call history.
562
00:21:03,507 --> 00:21:04,841
Oh, no.
563
00:21:05,943 --> 00:21:07,710
You inspire me.
564
00:21:07,811 --> 00:21:09,345
And I think I'm rude to you sometimes
565
00:21:09,446 --> 00:21:11,247
because I'm scared of that, Phil.
566
00:21:11,348 --> 00:21:13,082
This is a long way of saying
567
00:21:13,183 --> 00:21:16,452
I think I finally have a best friend.
568
00:21:16,553 --> 00:21:18,154
You inspire me.
569
00:21:18,255 --> 00:21:19,522
And I think I'm rude to you somet...
570
00:21:22,426 --> 00:21:24,501
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
570
00:21:25,305 --> 00:21:31,588
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