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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,159 --> 00:00:02,694 - Good night, Triangle. - Good night, Square. 2 00:00:02,763 --> 00:00:06,213 Thanks for showing us how fun it is to learn. 3 00:00:06,248 --> 00:00:09,552 Do you want to get their pajamas, or should I... 4 00:00:09,637 --> 00:00:10,749 Ohh. 5 00:00:12,639 --> 00:00:15,975 Next, "Blood Orgy 7: Rise of the Organ Hoarder." 6 00:00:19,179 --> 00:00:20,382 Aah! 7 00:00:25,418 --> 00:00:26,418 Oh, my God! 8 00:00:26,419 --> 00:00:27,486 Why?! 9 00:00:27,487 --> 00:00:28,754 Why?! 10 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:36,074 11 00:00:41,801 --> 00:00:43,669 Are you Daniel Boone? 12 00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:46,071 Who's asking? 13 00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:47,906 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 14 00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:49,842 I just came to see Kentucky, 15 00:00:49,943 --> 00:00:51,777 the fifth-largest tobacco producer 16 00:00:51,878 --> 00:00:55,214 and the third-largest coal producer in the country. 17 00:00:55,315 --> 00:00:57,383 I feel like I am there. 18 00:00:57,484 --> 00:00:59,551 The only thing more painful than children's theater 19 00:00:59,653 --> 00:01:01,387 is what's going on with my back right now. 20 00:01:01,488 --> 00:01:04,256 Why can't you take the pills that the doctor gave you 21 00:01:04,357 --> 00:01:06,258 so that you can enjoy your son's tour de force? 22 00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:07,826 I just need a little stretch. 23 00:01:07,927 --> 00:01:09,695 Doctors give you pills for everything today. 24 00:01:09,796 --> 00:01:11,030 Now we need a volunteer. 25 00:01:11,131 --> 00:01:13,332 Mr. Pritchett, thank you for your enthusiasm. 26 00:01:13,433 --> 00:01:14,933 - What? - One of our players 27 00:01:15,035 --> 00:01:16,168 has been kidnapped by his stepfather, 28 00:01:16,269 --> 00:01:17,336 but the show must go on. 29 00:01:17,337 --> 00:01:18,437 Place a star on the flag 30 00:01:18,538 --> 00:01:20,339 every time a territory becomes a state. 31 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,907 Seriously, but do the police... 32 00:01:22,008 --> 00:01:24,643 How 'bout a round of applause?! 33 00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:29,148 Faster, please. We're losing them. 34 00:01:29,249 --> 00:01:30,582 Where are you? 35 00:01:30,684 --> 00:01:33,085 You're missing Joe's tribute to the 50 nifty United States. 36 00:01:34,721 --> 00:01:36,789 I'm at home in bed with the worst cold. 37 00:01:36,890 --> 00:01:38,490 Afraid the whole family's down. 38 00:01:38,591 --> 00:01:41,326 Might've even lost a few house plants, yeah. 39 00:01:41,428 --> 00:01:43,162 Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now. 40 00:01:43,263 --> 00:01:44,963 Alright. Take care. 41 00:01:49,366 --> 00:01:51,103 - Aah! - Phil! 42 00:01:51,104 --> 00:01:54,373 You told me you sold your dad's RV! 43 00:01:54,474 --> 00:01:57,076 And you told me you were running your 5-mile loop! 44 00:01:57,177 --> 00:01:59,278 This street is on your 3-mile course, 45 00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:01,246 so who are you really mad at, Claire? 46 00:02:02,749 --> 00:02:04,383 Gloria, we are so sorry, 47 00:02:04,484 --> 00:02:06,752 but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play. 48 00:02:06,853 --> 00:02:08,754 No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... 49 00:02:08,855 --> 00:02:10,856 well, she had emergency surgery, 50 00:02:10,857 --> 00:02:13,659 and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes 51 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,294 to our place with no warning. 52 00:02:17,063 --> 00:02:18,931 No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! 53 00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:22,501 Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. 54 00:02:22,602 --> 00:02:24,303 You couldn't just say you had a cold? 55 00:02:24,404 --> 00:02:26,305 Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, 56 00:02:26,406 --> 00:02:28,474 he could've said, "87 years ago," 57 00:02:28,575 --> 00:02:30,209 and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." 58 00:02:30,310 --> 00:02:32,177 No, it's the finishing touches 59 00:02:32,279 --> 00:02:34,680 that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell! 60 00:02:34,781 --> 00:02:36,849 Sweetie, I know you're really tense about this... 61 00:02:36,950 --> 00:02:38,417 No, no, no! Don't jinx it, don't jinx it! 62 00:02:38,518 --> 00:02:39,885 Cam is up for head coach 63 00:02:39,986 --> 00:02:41,921 - at the University of Nor... - Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! 64 00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:44,623 Bup, bup! 65 00:02:44,724 --> 00:02:46,759 Cam is up for head football coach 66 00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:49,295 at the University of North Central Missouri. 67 00:02:49,396 --> 00:02:50,629 It's his dream job, 68 00:02:50,730 --> 00:02:52,665 and they're supposed to call him about it today, 69 00:02:52,766 --> 00:02:54,500 and it's making him a little crazy. 70 00:02:54,601 --> 00:02:55,634 In f-fact... 71 00:02:55,635 --> 00:02:57,469 C-Claire's always Dad's favorite, 72 00:02:57,571 --> 00:02:59,171 and I-I'm really miffed about that. 73 00:02:59,272 --> 00:03:01,974 Oh, boy. This again, huh? 74 00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:03,676 Okay. No, go on. 75 00:03:03,777 --> 00:03:05,578 - I'm ready. - Oh, my God! 76 00:03:05,679 --> 00:03:08,614 - Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her. - Ah, sweetie! Oh! 77 00:03:08,715 --> 00:03:10,683 Now, may I give you a piece of advice from my first date? 78 00:03:10,784 --> 00:03:12,284 Don't say how much you want to have kids, 79 00:03:12,385 --> 00:03:14,119 and don't cry, because your makeup will run. 80 00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:15,654 I'm more worried about my date running 81 00:03:15,755 --> 00:03:16,956 when he sees you two there. 82 00:03:17,057 --> 00:03:19,091 You'll barely even notice us, okay? 83 00:03:19,192 --> 00:03:21,260 Just be yourself. You are... You're so funny. 84 00:03:21,521 --> 00:03:23,362 Okay, tell that funny story 85 00:03:23,463 --> 00:03:25,364 of the old drunk guy who was kissing the donkey. 86 00:03:25,465 --> 00:03:27,533 Oh, because your family's perfect? 87 00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:29,401 Okay. Oh, my God! That's it! 88 00:03:29,502 --> 00:03:30,502 That's the job! 89 00:03:30,604 --> 00:03:32,237 Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?! 90 00:03:32,339 --> 00:03:34,673 This is the worst thing that could be happ... 91 00:03:34,774 --> 00:03:36,339 Okay, it's just my mediation app. 92 00:03:39,346 --> 00:03:41,847 Okay, you need to control your man. 93 00:03:41,948 --> 00:03:43,248 If he gets bad news tonight 94 00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:45,117 and melts down in front of Randy, 95 00:03:45,218 --> 00:03:47,486 I can kiss "kissing him goodbye" goodbye. 96 00:03:47,587 --> 00:03:49,455 Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha. Come on, let's go. 97 00:03:49,556 --> 00:03:51,824 I understand we all get attached to things 98 00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:53,325 that belonged to our parents. 99 00:03:53,426 --> 00:03:54,493 That's not it. 100 00:03:54,494 --> 00:03:56,362 I'm doing this so you and I can have some adventures. 101 00:03:56,463 --> 00:03:58,297 Can't you see yourself making lists and folding shirts 102 00:03:58,398 --> 00:04:00,199 while we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge? 103 00:04:00,683 --> 00:04:02,268 We're never gonna use this thing. 104 00:04:02,369 --> 00:04:04,637 It guzzles gas, and it takes an hour to park. 105 00:04:04,738 --> 00:04:05,805 Well, then leave it here. 106 00:04:05,906 --> 00:04:07,073 You've always wanted a guest house. 107 00:04:07,174 --> 00:04:09,575 Not one with seat belts at the dining table. 108 00:04:12,079 --> 00:04:13,212 No discussion, Dylan. 109 00:04:13,313 --> 00:04:15,648 We're taking them to see a baby psychiatrist. 110 00:04:15,749 --> 00:04:17,450 Are you still talking about that crazy movie? 111 00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:18,851 Well, it messed them up! 112 00:04:18,952 --> 00:04:20,186 We took them to the park. 113 00:04:20,287 --> 00:04:21,754 Swing set... bored. 114 00:04:21,855 --> 00:04:23,022 Cute squirrels... snore. 115 00:04:23,123 --> 00:04:24,657 Then an old lady walking her poodle 116 00:04:24,758 --> 00:04:26,359 trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, 117 00:04:26,460 --> 00:04:27,860 and these two burst out laughing 118 00:04:27,961 --> 00:04:29,228 like two stoners in a tickle fight. 119 00:04:29,329 --> 00:04:30,896 I'm sure you're both overreacting 120 00:04:30,998 --> 00:04:32,431 the way all new parents do. 121 00:04:32,532 --> 00:04:33,766 No, Mom, we're screwing this up. 122 00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:35,568 At the very least, we need help, 123 00:04:35,669 --> 00:04:37,270 like... like an au pair or something. 124 00:04:37,371 --> 00:04:38,404 That's two nannies, right? 125 00:04:38,505 --> 00:04:39,238 - Correct. - Okay. 126 00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:40,840 Ohh. 127 00:04:40,941 --> 00:04:44,543 Look at how gentle they're being with that butterfly. 128 00:04:44,645 --> 00:04:46,479 See? You two were worrying for no... 129 00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:48,614 - They're tearing it apart. - Oh God! 130 00:04:48,715 --> 00:04:51,250 What do you say we leave the babies with Farrah 131 00:04:51,351 --> 00:04:53,352 and the grown-ups go out and talk about this over dinner? 132 00:04:53,453 --> 00:04:56,055 Great idea. Oh! Four people, though. 133 00:04:56,156 --> 00:04:57,890 Try fitting that in a regular car. 134 00:04:57,991 --> 00:04:59,358 Wait a minute. 135 00:04:59,459 --> 00:05:02,862 What if we took the R... You kidding me?! 136 00:05:02,963 --> 00:05:04,964 Remind me to buy some wheel blocks! 137 00:05:08,602 --> 00:05:10,169 Oh, God. Lily needs my help. 138 00:05:12,873 --> 00:05:14,173 What the hell are you doing? 139 00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:15,975 I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story. 140 00:05:16,076 --> 00:05:17,543 By making an Eeyore sound? 141 00:05:17,644 --> 00:05:19,779 You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed. 142 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,213 That's an offensive stereotype 143 00:05:21,315 --> 00:05:23,549 perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans. 144 00:05:24,219 --> 00:05:25,318 Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing! 145 00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:26,952 It's just Longinus. 146 00:05:26,953 --> 00:05:29,422 Yeah, we know. You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys. 147 00:05:29,523 --> 00:05:30,790 Nobody cares. 148 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,460 My friend said we should try the potato. 149 00:05:34,561 --> 00:05:35,695 - Lily! - Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 150 00:05:35,796 --> 00:05:36,929 - Hey. - Hi! 151 00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:38,197 Hey, guys! What are you doing here? 152 00:05:38,298 --> 00:05:40,150 Oh, just taking a break from scarring our children. 153 00:05:40,185 --> 00:05:40,867 Now, come on. 154 00:05:40,904 --> 00:05:43,069 Haley and Dylan were having a little bit of a meltdown, 155 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:44,670 and we thought we'd hit Spuds one last time 156 00:05:44,771 --> 00:05:45,771 before they close for good. 157 00:05:45,772 --> 00:05:47,506 I know. It's sad, isn't it? 158 00:05:47,607 --> 00:05:49,275 - Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here... - Yeah! 159 00:05:49,376 --> 00:05:52,278 - ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us. - Yes! Oh. 160 00:05:52,379 --> 00:05:54,814 ? Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ? 161 00:05:54,915 --> 00:05:56,549 ? Spuds' potatoes amaze ? 162 00:05:56,650 --> 00:05:57,917 ? Happy birthday ? 163 00:05:58,018 --> 00:05:59,852 I want to stress that I'm adopted. 164 00:05:59,953 --> 00:06:01,754 Why don't we leave the lovebirds to their date? 165 00:06:01,755 --> 00:06:02,822 Good idea, but you know what? 166 00:06:02,867 --> 00:06:05,558 Spuds is better with more people, much like a vehicle. 167 00:06:05,659 --> 00:06:07,560 Let's... Let's see if they can sit the rest of us together. 168 00:06:07,661 --> 00:06:09,729 - Okay, yeah. Alright. - Okay. 169 00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:16,936 I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot 170 00:06:17,037 --> 00:06:18,554 on Instagram, and... 171 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,841 ...he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, 172 00:06:21,886 --> 00:06:24,110 Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. 173 00:06:24,178 --> 00:06:27,113 And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds 174 00:06:27,214 --> 00:06:28,881 to cushion the blow. 175 00:06:28,982 --> 00:06:31,050 Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up 176 00:06:31,151 --> 00:06:32,685 with four of his wives. 177 00:06:32,786 --> 00:06:33,919 Cam. Cam. 178 00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:35,821 I-I-I just got some bad news, 179 00:06:35,922 --> 00:06:37,390 and I think it's best that you hear it from me. 180 00:06:37,491 --> 00:06:38,591 Oh, I heard. 181 00:06:38,692 --> 00:06:40,025 They're out of the Impossible Potato. 182 00:06:40,127 --> 00:06:41,427 Now, I'm sorry, 183 00:06:41,528 --> 00:06:44,096 you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, 184 00:06:44,197 --> 00:06:46,198 ya better have enough for everyone. 185 00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:50,953 Please just take those pills. 186 00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:53,422 You're more crooked than General James Wilkinson 187 00:06:53,523 --> 00:06:55,824 during the Louisiana Purchase. 188 00:06:55,925 --> 00:06:57,593 We're down to the last state. 189 00:06:57,694 --> 00:06:59,561 It's actually better if I move. 190 00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:04,024 Wow. This is gorgeous. 191 00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:05,734 What do you call this place, again? 192 00:07:05,835 --> 00:07:07,002 Pearl Harbor. 193 00:07:14,444 --> 00:07:15,611 Aah! 194 00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:18,313 Save the flag, boys! 195 00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:27,923 Haley, get off your phone. 196 00:07:28,024 --> 00:07:29,692 The babies are fine with Dylan's mom. 197 00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,894 If you're feeling tense, my dad's old foot bath is in the RV. 198 00:07:31,995 --> 00:07:33,696 Plugs right into the cigarette lighter. 199 00:07:33,797 --> 00:07:35,197 Honey, there could be a money volcano 200 00:07:35,298 --> 00:07:37,299 that plugs right into a white wine fountain in there. 201 00:07:37,401 --> 00:07:38,534 I still wouldn't want it. 202 00:07:38,635 --> 00:07:40,035 I keep remembering things I forgot to tell her. 203 00:07:40,137 --> 00:07:41,670 My kids are already sociopaths. 204 00:07:41,772 --> 00:07:43,873 I don't need to give them a strawberry allergy on top of it. 205 00:07:43,974 --> 00:07:45,107 Oh, I completely, totally get that. 206 00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:46,242 Just gonna turn this off. 207 00:07:46,343 --> 00:07:49,245 You know what? Hey, let... let's all turn off our phones. Come on. 208 00:07:49,346 --> 00:07:51,280 Yeah, you can... No, come on. Live in the moment. 209 00:07:51,381 --> 00:07:53,449 I mean, appreciate the fact that we live in a town 210 00:07:53,550 --> 00:07:54,950 with family and friends 211 00:07:55,051 --> 00:07:56,786 all sitting at the same table where... 212 00:07:56,887 --> 00:07:59,955 Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower planned the D-Day invasion." 213 00:08:00,056 --> 00:08:01,257 Well, that's probably not true. 214 00:08:01,358 --> 00:08:02,425 Sounds like somebody's nervous 215 00:08:02,526 --> 00:08:03,893 about a possible move to Missouri. 216 00:08:03,994 --> 00:08:05,561 No, I'm... I'm just pointing out 217 00:08:05,662 --> 00:08:07,863 that there are a lot of really great things here. 218 00:08:07,964 --> 00:08:09,198 Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame 219 00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:11,500 to cut that blossoming relationship short? 220 00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:14,103 Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. 221 00:08:14,204 --> 00:08:16,105 I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old? 222 00:08:16,206 --> 00:08:17,840 I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. 223 00:08:17,941 --> 00:08:19,408 You know, I read on a mommy blog 224 00:08:19,509 --> 00:08:21,928 that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... 225 00:08:21,963 --> 00:08:23,512 - and deejaying. - Okay, you know what? 226 00:08:23,513 --> 00:08:24,780 You two need to be careful 227 00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:27,416 because you can read so much about how to parent, 228 00:08:27,517 --> 00:08:28,851 you miss out on being one. 229 00:08:28,952 --> 00:08:30,586 Mitchell struggled with that. 230 00:08:30,687 --> 00:08:32,588 Just relax. 231 00:08:32,689 --> 00:08:33,756 Aww, sweetheart. 232 00:08:34,271 --> 00:08:35,158 Oh. 233 00:08:35,219 --> 00:08:37,126 - Did you put hair spray in this? - Just a little bit, yes. 234 00:08:37,227 --> 00:08:38,494 I'm gonna put some music on. 235 00:08:38,595 --> 00:08:40,396 - No, Cam, I have to go work. - Dance with her! 236 00:08:40,497 --> 00:08:41,964 - Come on. I don't have time for this. - Put a little boogie in it. 237 00:08:42,065 --> 00:08:43,199 - No, come on, it... - ? Stand up ? 238 00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,201 Just dance. You know you love this song. 239 00:08:45,302 --> 00:08:46,669 Alright. Okay. 240 00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:48,671 Who's the dancing queen, huh? 241 00:08:48,772 --> 00:08:50,739 ?...all over town ? 242 00:08:50,841 --> 00:08:52,541 Put a little boogie in it. 243 00:08:52,642 --> 00:08:53,943 See? Fun. 244 00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:56,111 - Oh, my... - Was that her head? 245 00:08:56,213 --> 00:08:58,280 Sorry. I forgot how that story ended. 246 00:08:58,381 --> 00:09:00,583 It ended with us in the ER 247 00:09:00,684 --> 00:09:03,118 of one of the best hospitals in the world. 248 00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:04,787 Nice having that only a mile away. 249 00:09:04,888 --> 00:09:06,922 I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri 250 00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:08,824 just climbed above Arkansas and Guam. 251 00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:10,693 Okay, give me back my phone. I'm ordering baby helmets. 252 00:09:10,794 --> 00:09:12,027 Stop worrying. 253 00:09:12,128 --> 00:09:13,963 Kids get bonked all the time. 254 00:09:14,064 --> 00:09:16,258 Do you know how many tumbles Luke took? 255 00:09:17,968 --> 00:09:20,002 I think he wants to go out. 256 00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:21,670 Good boy! 257 00:09:21,771 --> 00:09:23,405 Smart dog. 258 00:09:23,507 --> 00:09:25,608 I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that. 259 00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:27,042 I'm gonna play outside. 260 00:09:28,678 --> 00:09:29,979 Ow! 261 00:09:31,248 --> 00:09:32,648 What happened? 262 00:09:32,749 --> 00:09:34,316 And he's fine. 263 00:09:34,417 --> 00:09:35,484 ...ish. 264 00:09:35,585 --> 00:09:38,337 I love the guy, but we're aiming a little bit higher than Luke. 265 00:09:38,438 --> 00:09:40,239 Haley, you kind of want your kids to get knocked around a little. 266 00:09:40,340 --> 00:09:41,374 It toughens them up for things 267 00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:43,247 that we all go through in adulthood. 268 00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:44,644 Daddy wins! 269 00:09:44,745 --> 00:09:46,646 Do you believe in miracles?! 270 00:09:46,747 --> 00:09:49,148 USA! US... 271 00:09:49,249 --> 00:09:50,283 Oh, no! 272 00:09:50,384 --> 00:09:51,774 Oh, geez! 273 00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,353 Oh, my... What was that? 274 00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:55,288 - Was that a person that fell... - I'm good! 275 00:09:55,289 --> 00:09:56,322 Dad?! 276 00:09:56,323 --> 00:09:57,390 Hey, Dad, think fast. 277 00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:00,826 Aren't you being a little... 278 00:10:04,364 --> 00:10:05,698 But this isn't an emergen... 279 00:10:10,537 --> 00:10:12,772 Now it i-i-i-i-is! 280 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,107 I mean, sure, I can no longer taste salt, but... 281 00:10:15,209 --> 00:10:17,009 I know that they're going to get bumps and bruises, 282 00:10:17,110 --> 00:10:19,545 but I'm talking about psychological scars. 283 00:10:19,646 --> 00:10:21,447 I've had some experience with that myself. 284 00:10:21,994 --> 00:10:23,082 - Surpri... - Oh, oh! 285 00:10:23,775 --> 00:10:25,418 No! Oh! 286 00:10:25,519 --> 00:10:26,885 - No! - No! 287 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,022 I'm sorry! 288 00:10:28,057 --> 00:10:29,655 - Nothing's happening! - Oh, my God! 289 00:10:29,656 --> 00:10:31,157 It still haunts her. 290 00:10:31,258 --> 00:10:33,125 Not to be weird, but she still won't let me 291 00:10:33,227 --> 00:10:35,061 mention your names while we're making love. 292 00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:38,364 - Okay. - Well, well, well. 293 00:10:38,465 --> 00:10:41,400 Yes, well, well, well. 294 00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:43,636 I see your cold is better. 295 00:10:43,737 --> 00:10:45,838 Turns out it was, like, an allergy... thing. 296 00:10:45,939 --> 00:10:48,074 And Pepper's Great Danes? 297 00:10:48,175 --> 00:10:50,042 Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs. 298 00:10:50,143 --> 00:10:52,278 They... um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long. 299 00:10:52,379 --> 00:10:53,446 So they're... 300 00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:54,714 they're dead. 301 00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:56,816 I must look like Frederick Seward 302 00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,884 during the Alaska Purchase, 303 00:10:58,986 --> 00:11:01,754 because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything. 304 00:11:01,855 --> 00:11:03,356 Gloria, okay, okay. 305 00:11:03,457 --> 00:11:05,091 We're s... We're sorry... We're sorry we lied to you, 306 00:11:05,192 --> 00:11:06,926 but if it makes you feel any better, 307 00:11:07,027 --> 00:11:09,061 Longinus took this really great photo of you 308 00:11:09,162 --> 00:11:11,130 at the Shakira concert the night that you missed 309 00:11:11,231 --> 00:11:12,732 Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye. 310 00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:13,866 Ohh! 311 00:11:14,868 --> 00:11:16,769 I see that you've been waiting 312 00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:18,271 to spring that attack on me, 313 00:11:18,372 --> 00:11:21,474 just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans. 314 00:11:21,575 --> 00:11:22,808 Is this my life now? 315 00:11:22,909 --> 00:11:24,143 I'm gonna use the restroom. 316 00:11:24,244 --> 00:11:26,512 Will someone order the table-side baked potatoes? 317 00:11:26,613 --> 00:11:28,714 I mean, that's half of why you come here... for the show. 318 00:11:30,384 --> 00:11:32,485 - Public restroom, huh? - Mm. 319 00:11:32,586 --> 00:11:34,754 Shame he can't go in the privacy of his own car. 320 00:11:34,855 --> 00:11:37,189 It's true. The RV does have a bathroom. 321 00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:39,058 And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee, 322 00:11:39,159 --> 00:11:41,027 bear-proof undercarriage food bins. 323 00:11:41,128 --> 00:11:42,895 And how many miles would you say is on it? 324 00:11:42,996 --> 00:11:43,996 Wait! 325 00:11:45,232 --> 00:11:46,799 You're selling her on Craigslist? 326 00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:48,501 And this isn't even a good picture! 327 00:11:48,602 --> 00:11:50,102 This is her bad side! 328 00:11:50,203 --> 00:11:52,338 Hey, look, I get the value of an RV, Claire. 329 00:11:52,439 --> 00:11:55,775 There is so much natural beauty to explore here in California. 330 00:11:55,876 --> 00:11:57,376 The Golden State! 331 00:11:57,477 --> 00:11:58,978 Are you really trying to get out of moving to Missouri? 332 00:11:59,079 --> 00:12:00,346 No, no! 333 00:12:00,447 --> 00:12:04,183 Sounds like what we need is a Missouri Compromise. 334 00:12:04,284 --> 00:12:06,886 Gloria, are you drugging Grandpa's Potato-tini? 335 00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:09,155 You saw how bent over he is. 336 00:12:09,256 --> 00:12:11,424 For some reason, he's scared of pills, 337 00:12:11,525 --> 00:12:13,459 and I can't watch him suffer anymore. 338 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,262 I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs. 339 00:12:16,363 --> 00:12:18,064 Why would French fries mean ladies 340 00:12:18,165 --> 00:12:19,965 and baked potato gents? 341 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,500 Just throw one of them into a skirt. 342 00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,436 So, uh, Dad, 343 00:12:23,537 --> 00:12:26,105 Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back? 344 00:12:26,206 --> 00:12:27,973 I got to get this from all sides now? 345 00:12:28,075 --> 00:12:30,376 I don't like what they do to me, alright? 346 00:12:30,477 --> 00:12:32,645 They make me feel super... 347 00:12:32,746 --> 00:12:34,714 Horny? Constipated? 348 00:12:34,815 --> 00:12:36,315 Emotional. 349 00:12:36,416 --> 00:12:39,151 You know, sometimes you can just ride out a pause, buddy. 350 00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:41,587 Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down. 351 00:12:41,688 --> 00:12:42,888 I took a couple in the men's room, 352 00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:45,558 which is the maximum dose, so strap in. 353 00:12:45,659 --> 00:12:46,726 N-N... 354 00:12:48,328 --> 00:12:49,628 You know, I'm gonna miss this place. 355 00:12:50,797 --> 00:12:52,465 Look, Spuddy Holly! 356 00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:54,066 He just about said it all, didn't he? 357 00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:56,736 "Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise. 358 00:12:56,837 --> 00:12:59,105 Spuds' potatoes do amaze." 359 00:13:00,406 --> 00:13:03,100 - Four pills? Is he gonna be okay? - He can handle it. 360 00:13:03,161 --> 00:13:05,334 Dad lived through the closet scene in the '80s. 361 00:13:05,336 --> 00:13:06,369 So did I. 362 00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:08,738 Oh, my God. He's talking to Lily and Dylan! 363 00:13:09,973 --> 00:13:11,307 I'm Dylan. 364 00:13:11,408 --> 00:13:14,310 You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, 365 00:13:14,411 --> 00:13:16,746 prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. 366 00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:18,314 - There was this one bar I used to... - Let's go. 367 00:13:18,415 --> 00:13:20,216 Let's get you some black coffee. 368 00:13:20,317 --> 00:13:23,019 Peekaboo! George! Poppy! 369 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,088 Hello? Is anybody home? 370 00:13:26,657 --> 00:13:29,247 What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills. 371 00:13:29,282 --> 00:13:31,160 - Who wanted coffee? - Ah, here! 372 00:13:31,161 --> 00:13:32,228 - Ohh! - Ohh! 373 00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:35,231 They're laughing! See? They're psychos! 374 00:13:35,332 --> 00:13:38,134 Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay? 375 00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,137 I actually don't feel anything, which is even more scary. 376 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,972 Don't be scared to feel, buddy. 377 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,674 You could end up running away 378 00:13:44,775 --> 00:13:47,443 from an emotional situation with your kids, 379 00:13:47,544 --> 00:13:50,346 and those are always the most rewarding. 380 00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:51,681 You ask me, you're lucky. 381 00:13:51,782 --> 00:13:53,182 She dumped me by text 382 00:13:53,283 --> 00:13:55,017 while making out with her old boyfriend. 383 00:13:55,119 --> 00:13:56,519 I broke down crying. 384 00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:59,021 My charcoal ran like mascara. 385 00:13:59,123 --> 00:14:01,557 I had to be comforted by the other team's mascot. 386 00:14:01,658 --> 00:14:03,025 Lucky? 387 00:14:03,127 --> 00:14:04,594 Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you. 388 00:14:04,695 --> 00:14:08,431 It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. 389 00:14:08,532 --> 00:14:10,733 I just wish I could say some magic words 390 00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:12,869 or give you a hug, make it all go away. 391 00:14:16,006 --> 00:14:18,074 In a way, he raised me. 392 00:14:18,175 --> 00:14:20,643 Pull yourself together, man! 393 00:14:20,744 --> 00:14:22,445 Haley, um, 394 00:14:22,546 --> 00:14:25,982 I think what your... chemically humanized grandfather 395 00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:28,230 is trying to say is that kids are built to last. 396 00:14:28,786 --> 00:14:30,119 Sure, they... they go through stuff, 397 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:32,288 but they survive, especially when you're around to help. 398 00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:35,224 I miss him. 399 00:14:35,325 --> 00:14:37,260 Yeah. 400 00:14:37,361 --> 00:14:39,662 He was your first real boyfriend. 401 00:14:39,763 --> 00:14:42,632 I keep expecting him to show up. 402 00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:45,735 He used to come by at night, and I'd sneak out to see him. 403 00:14:45,836 --> 00:14:47,270 Yeah, I know. 404 00:14:47,371 --> 00:14:48,571 You knew? 405 00:14:48,672 --> 00:14:52,175 His car is 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler. 406 00:14:52,276 --> 00:14:53,709 And he honked. 407 00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:56,813 I loved that car. 408 00:14:56,821 --> 00:14:58,681 I know it hurts now, sweetheart, 409 00:14:58,782 --> 00:15:02,885 but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having. 410 00:15:08,592 --> 00:15:10,359 Aw. 411 00:15:10,461 --> 00:15:11,894 Well, what happened? 412 00:15:11,895 --> 00:15:12,929 Did he come back? 413 00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:14,831 That... 414 00:15:14,932 --> 00:15:16,165 That was you, buddy. 415 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:18,734 I love this kid. 416 00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:20,236 I remember when he was a baby. 417 00:15:21,152 --> 00:15:23,973 We met my senior year of high school. 418 00:15:24,074 --> 00:15:25,508 Who does everyone think I am? 419 00:15:25,609 --> 00:15:27,143 You know, it's... 420 00:15:27,156 --> 00:15:30,680 Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby 421 00:15:30,781 --> 00:15:32,515 with the cutest little fat folds, 422 00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,567 and then... bam... they're gone. 423 00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,736 But it's okay, because in its place 424 00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:39,205 is this... toddler 425 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,307 with the greatest laugh on Earth. 426 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:43,610 And then one day, the toddler's gone, 427 00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:45,745 and in its place, a little kid 428 00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:49,716 that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. 429 00:15:49,817 --> 00:15:51,451 And this keeps going on like that, 430 00:15:51,552 --> 00:15:54,053 but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 431 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:57,657 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. 432 00:15:57,758 --> 00:15:59,192 Until they grow up. 433 00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:02,528 And then... in a moment, 434 00:16:02,630 --> 00:16:06,199 all those kids you fell in love with 435 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,234 walk out the door at the same time. 436 00:16:09,103 --> 00:16:10,136 Jesus. 437 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,537 Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. 438 00:16:11,639 --> 00:16:13,806 I'm just saying it goes fast. 439 00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:16,409 Like the expression... 440 00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:18,845 "You never know the last time you pick up your kid." 441 00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,446 The point we're making, Haley, 442 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:22,548 is that it's natural to worry over your kids. 443 00:16:22,650 --> 00:16:24,617 It... It just means that you love them. 444 00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:27,387 So, I'm always gonna feel like I screwed them up somehow? 445 00:16:27,488 --> 00:16:29,022 Kind of. 446 00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,190 I mean, eventually, you'll be able to laugh at it... 447 00:16:31,292 --> 00:16:34,360 probably around the time that you're reassuring your own children 448 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:35,762 that they didn't screw up their babies. 449 00:16:36,602 --> 00:16:37,663 Thanks. 450 00:16:37,665 --> 00:16:39,799 No, actually, thank you. 451 00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,235 It's nice to know, as parents, that we can still have... 452 00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:43,369 Dad? 453 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,305 I miss picking up my little girl. 454 00:16:45,406 --> 00:16:47,473 And it won't be the last time, damn it! 455 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:48,841 - Oh! - You want a piggyback ride, honey? 456 00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:50,243 No. No. No. 457 00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:51,611 - You sure? - Okay, I'm calling it. 458 00:16:51,712 --> 00:16:52,779 Oh, my gosh! 459 00:16:52,780 --> 00:16:53,780 Okay, this is it! 460 00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:54,847 Uh... 461 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:55,982 Hello? 462 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,386 - The French fries were only okay. - Sorry about that. 463 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,522 - Took a minute getting Jay to his car. - Mm. 464 00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:04,641 He saw a cloud that looked like his old football coach, 465 00:17:04,742 --> 00:17:06,943 - and he didn't want to be alone. - Ohh! 466 00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:09,312 - Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh? - Yeah. 467 00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:10,480 Yeah. 468 00:17:10,581 --> 00:17:12,816 By the way... 469 00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:15,685 I got a response to my Craigslist ad. 470 00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,554 Oh. Oh, that was fast. 471 00:17:17,655 --> 00:17:18,721 Yeah. 472 00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:20,523 Yeah, really nice couple, 473 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,058 soon to be empty nesters... 474 00:17:22,159 --> 00:17:24,761 three kids, two new grandkids. 475 00:17:24,862 --> 00:17:26,930 Wife's a little high-strung. 476 00:17:27,031 --> 00:17:28,531 Husband's a bit of an oddball 477 00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:30,433 with an infectious lust for life. 478 00:17:30,534 --> 00:17:32,202 They sound like weirdos. No sale. 479 00:17:32,303 --> 00:17:34,237 Phil, I'm talking about us. 480 00:17:34,338 --> 00:17:35,472 We should keep the RV. 481 00:17:35,573 --> 00:17:37,273 That is amazing. 482 00:17:37,374 --> 00:17:39,442 What changed your mind? 483 00:17:39,543 --> 00:17:43,012 I think it was hearing all those stories tonight. 484 00:17:43,114 --> 00:17:44,347 And the kids'll be gone soon. 485 00:17:44,448 --> 00:17:46,649 We'll probably spend a lot of time on the road. 486 00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:49,519 Might as well do it in the height of luxury... 487 00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:53,022 with a carpeted bathroom and a four-in-one game table. 488 00:17:53,124 --> 00:17:54,657 - You're incredible. - Mm. 489 00:17:54,758 --> 00:17:56,659 What did I do to deserve a wife cool enough 490 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,729 to let me keep my dad's RV and his newborn parrot? 491 00:18:00,207 --> 00:18:03,233 - His newborn what? - Mmmmmwah. 492 00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:05,168 - Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8... - Mmmmmm. 493 00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:13,443 That was not the call I was expecting. 494 00:18:13,544 --> 00:18:15,512 Sweetie, I know. 495 00:18:15,613 --> 00:18:18,114 I-I saw the other coach celebrating on Instagram, 496 00:18:18,215 --> 00:18:20,550 uh, drenching himself in Gatorade... in the house. 497 00:18:20,651 --> 00:18:22,519 There was a rug. Who's gonna clean that up? 498 00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,187 Not him, I bet. 499 00:18:24,288 --> 00:18:26,523 I'm reading from your face that you didn't know until I just told you. 500 00:18:26,624 --> 00:18:27,824 Now I'm just talking out of nerves. 501 00:18:27,925 --> 00:18:29,159 Damn it! I... 502 00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:31,327 I didn't get it?! 503 00:18:31,428 --> 00:18:34,697 I mean, I know I'm hard to read, but I really wanted that job. 504 00:18:34,798 --> 00:18:37,267 I'm so sorry. C-Come here. 505 00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:39,068 Wait, is that why you were selling California 506 00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:40,603 all night long to me? 507 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,272 Because you wanted to soften the blow when I heard? 508 00:18:42,373 --> 00:18:45,175 - Yeah. - Well, that is weirdly sweet. 509 00:18:45,276 --> 00:18:47,076 - I'll be there in a second. - Okay. 510 00:18:47,178 --> 00:18:50,780 - Um... - Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed. 511 00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:52,515 - Ha ha! - It totally broke the ice. 512 00:18:52,616 --> 00:18:53,983 We've been having so much fun! 513 00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:55,218 Oh, honey! I'm so happy! 514 00:18:55,319 --> 00:18:56,553 Thanks. Me, too. 515 00:18:56,654 --> 00:18:58,488 He asked if I could go outside and get ice cream. 516 00:18:58,589 --> 00:19:00,557 - Can I? - O-Of course, yes. 517 00:19:00,658 --> 00:19:03,293 But just make good choices about the toppings. 518 00:19:03,294 --> 00:19:05,128 Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax. 519 00:19:07,198 --> 00:19:10,066 Well, now, there's a small victory at least, right? 520 00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:13,003 First date was a success, and we get an assist. 521 00:19:13,104 --> 00:19:14,604 S... Uh, sorry... football term. 522 00:19:14,705 --> 00:19:16,106 Eh, except it isn't. 523 00:19:16,207 --> 00:19:17,841 Uh, by the way, what was that phone call you got? 524 00:19:17,942 --> 00:19:20,710 Oh. Uh crazy. 525 00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,112 Our adoption agency. 526 00:19:22,213 --> 00:19:23,446 From years ago? 527 00:19:23,547 --> 00:19:27,217 Y-Yeah, apparently, uh, they were migrating the database, 528 00:19:27,318 --> 00:19:30,754 and somehow, our profile got accidentally reactivated and... 529 00:19:30,855 --> 00:19:32,055 and somebody picked us. 530 00:19:32,156 --> 00:19:33,623 Wait, picked us? 531 00:19:33,724 --> 00:19:35,859 A-As in there... there's a baby? 532 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,193 I know. Wild, right? 533 00:19:37,295 --> 00:19:39,195 W-Well, you... you told them no? 534 00:19:39,297 --> 00:19:41,398 Well, it felt wrong until I talked to you about it, 535 00:19:41,499 --> 00:19:43,600 but, yeah, I-I'll... I will. 536 00:19:43,701 --> 00:19:44,701 I'll tell 'em. 537 00:19:46,437 --> 00:19:48,238 It was really fun telling those stories tonight. 538 00:19:48,339 --> 00:19:49,406 Yeah. 539 00:19:49,407 --> 00:19:51,274 Really puts losing a job in perspective. 540 00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:52,876 You know, none of our best memories 541 00:19:52,977 --> 00:19:55,312 have anything to do with work. 542 00:19:55,413 --> 00:19:57,380 They all have to do with that little girl right out there. 543 00:19:57,481 --> 00:19:59,482 Well, you know, she's not so little anymore. 544 00:20:01,018 --> 00:20:03,286 Oh. Oh, I think we're about to have a hand-holding moment. 545 00:20:08,326 --> 00:20:09,893 You know, we got pretty good at this parenting thing, 546 00:20:09,994 --> 00:20:11,027 didn't we? 547 00:20:13,842 --> 00:20:17,367 Um... so, uh, we... we have to tell the agency tonight? 548 00:20:19,503 --> 00:20:23,673 Well, technically, we have 24 hours to, uh... decide. 549 00:20:23,774 --> 00:20:24,808 Okay. 550 00:20:32,871 --> 00:20:35,211 Jay. I'm sorry. 551 00:20:35,312 --> 00:20:37,380 I will never drug you again. 552 00:20:37,481 --> 00:20:39,916 But it was so nice to see you so open and honest. 553 00:20:40,017 --> 00:20:42,400 Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe." 554 00:20:42,435 --> 00:20:43,452 Who's that? 555 00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:47,323 It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. 556 00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:51,093 I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. 557 00:20:51,195 --> 00:20:53,362 Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. 558 00:20:53,464 --> 00:20:54,664 I love you! 559 00:20:54,765 --> 00:20:57,591 I know. We had this conversation four times last night. 560 00:20:57,626 --> 00:20:58,301 Really? 561 00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:01,804 Um, maybe you should check your call history. 562 00:21:03,507 --> 00:21:04,841 Oh, no. 563 00:21:05,943 --> 00:21:07,710 You inspire me. 564 00:21:07,811 --> 00:21:09,345 And I think I'm rude to you sometimes 565 00:21:09,446 --> 00:21:11,247 because I'm scared of that, Phil. 566 00:21:11,348 --> 00:21:13,082 This is a long way of saying 567 00:21:13,183 --> 00:21:16,452 I think I finally have a best friend. 568 00:21:16,553 --> 00:21:18,154 You inspire me. 569 00:21:18,255 --> 00:21:19,522 And I think I'm rude to you somet... 570 00:21:22,426 --> 00:21:24,501 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 570 00:21:25,305 --> 00:21:31,588 42183

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