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1
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:20,681
And today, on And Yet It Lived ,
meet Simeon Pathetica...
2
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,884
...An ape that even evolution passed by.
3
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:41,402
Note the stooped shoulders
and the dull, blank look.
4
00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:47,041
- Can I have your autograph?
- Not today, Peg, I got some big news.
5
00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:52,613
You know how I'm always digging
in my ear with the point of a pencil?
6
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:56,851
- Oh, my, this is good news.
- You betcha.
7
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,953
Well, today, purely by accident...
8
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,090
...I found out that I was using
the wrong end of the pencil.
9
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:07,528
I discovered that if you turn it around
and take off the eraser...
10
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:11,665
...You can get a real kind of
suction action going.
11
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:14,635
Get a load of this, honey.
12
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,578
But, honey, it still has an eraser on it.
13
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:27,681
That's not an eraser.
14
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,119
Oh, my God.
15
00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:37,091
- What's for supper?
- What would you like?
16
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,527
I'd like a nice, juicy steak.
17
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:43,464
Why, that's just waiting for you
on the table.
18
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:50,437
Made you look, made you look.
Al, you'll never learn.
19
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,806
So, honey, I was thinking.
20
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,776
Don't you think we need
a little savings account?
21
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:59,179
You know, like any
moderately successful 13-year-old?
22
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:02,550
Hey, don't kid yourself.
I got plenty of money saved up.
23
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,988
Well, it doesn't matter,
you're not getting any.
24
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,357
I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket-wrench set.
25
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,259
Man, it's gonna be great.
26
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:16,530
I can go around this house and tighten
more nuts than you did in high school.
27
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:27,207
Yes, and I have the trophies to prove it.
28
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,243
Anyway, Al, I've got some news...
29
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:32,012
- ...And I've been waiting for the right--
- Wait, hold it.
30
00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:35,149
I'll bet that's some of the guys
wanting to see my eraser.
31
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:41,655
Al, Peggy, we have a little announcement.
32
00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:45,926
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
33
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,197
Oh, Marcie, that's great.
You're kidding?
34
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,768
Yep, yep, yep.
I knew it right away too.
35
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:57,104
You know how when Michael Jordan's
in the air...
36
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,373
...He just knows he'll do something special?
37
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:03,477
Well, I had the same feeling
when I approached the hoop.
38
00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:07,648
There was no blocking that shot, eh, baby?
39
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:15,222
- Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al?
- Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.
40
00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:19,893
- Don't you have anything to say to me?
- Oh, sure.
41
00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:33,040
You're a dead man. It's all over.
42
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:36,610
Today is the first day
of the end of your life.
43
00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,246
Hey, I'm looking forward to being a father.
44
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:43,617
To hear my child say its first words,
take its first steps.
45
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,820
Yeah, keep that in mind when you're
at the newsstand at three a.m...
46
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:50,491
...Praying they'll be asleep before you
get home with your copy of Heinie.
47
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,261
What a grand jest.
48
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:58,866
Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out
of the house and I'll be free, free, free.
49
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:00,200
Except for her.
50
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:06,373
God, I feel great. I'm almost happy.
Let me revel in it.
51
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:10,144
- I think this is a good time to tell you--
- No, not now, babe.
52
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,945
Once my kids leave the house...
53
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:15,115
...I'll finally be able to do
what every man is supposed to do.
54
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,084
I can watch TV.
55
00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:18,919
I can...
56
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:25,426
Well, I don't know, but it doesn't matter.
57
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:28,662
It's still better than having
a screaming, crapping...
58
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:34,802
...Money-sucking little vampire
bobsledding me to the cemetery.
59
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,504
God, I feel good.
60
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,940
- Honey?
- Yes.
61
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,542
- Guess what.
- What?
62
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,778
I'm pregnant too.
63
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:07,501
Oh, Al, hold me.
64
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:13,173
- How far along are you?
- Five months.
65
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:18,345
Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice
I was getting fat?
66
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,949
Well, yeah.
67
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:26,687
- Oh, hold me.
- Well, no, wait a second, stop.
68
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,824
That can't be right. When? Why?
69
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,793
How?
70
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,630
Wait a second.
Let me check my journal.
71
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:41,668
- Five months ago, you say?
- Oh, Al, isn't it a dream?
72
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,904
It better be.
73
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:50,477
Let's see, now. April, April...
Here we go, April. Week one:
74
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,013
"Sold shoes, watched TV."
75
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:57,117
Week two, "Sold shoes, watched TV, wept."
76
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:01,789
Week three, "Sold shoes,
had a few beers, passed out."
77
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:15,636
"I dreamt I fell in the washing machine,
woke up feeling cheap."
78
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,674
Peg, what in God's green earth
did you do to me?
79
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,811
Well, I couldn't help myself.
80
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:28,448
You looked so cute trying to pull
your underwear up over your head.
81
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:32,719
- Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
- Peggy, this is so exciting.
82
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:37,291
- We can be pregnant together.
- Yeah, Al, congratulations.
83
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,793
This is great. Gee, our kids'll
grow up together...
84
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,496
...And they'll be old enough
to leave the nest together.
85
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:48,001
Gee, I'll be in my 50s when
that happens, and you'll be, what, 102?
86
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,308
Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful.
87
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,444
The pitter-patter of little feet
after 18 years.
88
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,948
This is truly a joyous day for us all.
89
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,733
What did you do?
90
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:23,203
Can't you control your animal urges?
91
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,039
Of all the bonehead blunders
a middle-aged man...
92
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,742
...With no income can make.
93
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,746
God, you leave him alone for one second...
94
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,850
Did you not know the evil implications
of your deed?
95
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:42,356
Bad Daddy. Bad, bad. Bad.
96
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,627
So, Mr. Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50...
97
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,497
...What are we gonna do now?
98
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,299
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
99
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,335
We'll be living off the scraps of scraps.
100
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,405
Slipping in puddles of baby juice.
101
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:02,175
Our home and our clothes
smelling of the befouled buttocks...
102
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,913
...Of a child born out of middle-aged lust.
103
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,449
Oh, shame.
104
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:15,289
As if what you did wasn't bad enough,
but with our mother, for God's sake.
105
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:23,063
Well, this is one fine "How you doing?
Fine, thank you."
106
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:29,970
- Hi, kids. Did Daddy tell you the news?
- Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.
107
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,506
Happy, happy.
108
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,509
Now, kids, I don't want you
to be jealous of the baby...
109
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,577
...Because I'll always have time for you.
110
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:41,315
After all, you were my first.
111
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,884
I was your first.
112
00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:48,956
Really? Oh, well.
What's important now is the baby.
113
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:54,328
- Did you congratulate your father?
- Oh, sure.
114
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,997
- Way to go, Dad. You sure know.
- Yeah. Oh, you--
115
00:09:57,164 --> 00:10:00,734
- You old dog. You old...
- That's great. It's just fabulous.
116
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:05,739
Well, I don't know about anybody else,
but I've got a hankering...
117
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:08,542
...For a nice cream-cheese-
and-coffee-grind sandwich.
118
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,446
- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
119
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,614
- You stink.
- You stink.
120
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,985
Do you think it's safe for Mom
to have a baby at her age?
121
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,354
I mean, what is she, a million?
122
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:28,161
All right. Now, listen up, everyone.
Just because I'm pregnant...
123
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:31,365
...I don't want you to think
I'm gonna be demanding or anything.
124
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:34,201
Your lives won't change a bit.
125
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:42,609
"And here's a picture of Mr. Rooster.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.'"
126
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:47,948
Honey, not to me, to the baby.
127
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:55,322
"And the duck went quack, quack.
And the dog went bow-wow.
128
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,025
- And the family went to--"
- Excuse me, honey.
129
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:03,263
What, are you guys on vacation?
Rub, rub.
130
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,802
Thanks for everything,
Johnny Appleseed.
131
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:25,318
Bundy, Bundy.
132
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:29,890
Bundy, you're gonna be a superstar!
Just don't blow it, kid.
133
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:33,827
Come on, coach.
What could possibly stop me?
134
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,896
Hi, honey.
135
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:41,835
- Oh, Al, are you as happy as I am?
- Well, how could I be?
136
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,771
Well, you should be happy.
It's your baby too.
137
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:48,942
Oh, happy, I thought you said
am I as heavy as you are.
138
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:54,047
Now, stop teasing me.
You can barely tell that I'm pregnant.
139
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,852
Get over there.
140
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:05,459
Bologna and Miracle Whip.
Want some?
141
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:11,465
Gee, Al, I don't know about you,
but I'm horny as hell.
142
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:15,902
Well, so am I, but you don't see me
bothering you with it, do you?
143
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:18,939
Oh, come on, Al.
144
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:23,343
If you don't, the baby won't see you fail
till you take it to work.
145
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:31,952
That was a good one, wasn't it? Yes.
We got Daddy good, huh?
146
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,155
So, what do you say, Al?
Are you ready?
147
00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:38,125
Oh, sure, I'm all afire.
148
00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:40,393
I don't know what turns me on more...
149
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,963
...That sexy failure talk
or the bologna shrapnel...
150
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:46,099
...Hitting me in the eye at 90 miles an hour.
151
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:55,041
Oh, all right, you big sissy.
We don't have to do it.
152
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,944
- Good night.
- Good night.
153
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,182
Jeez.
154
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,785
- Al?
- What?
155
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,755
Let's talk about the baby.
156
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,893
Why, did he do something cute?
157
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:17,764
You have a terrible attitude.
I am not talking to you anymore.
158
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:21,101
You stink. Good night.
159
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,839
Al?
160
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,643
What should we name the baby?
161
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,845
The Reaper?
162
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,019
Well, what if it's a boy?
163
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,623
Well, we could name it after my father.
164
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:46,760
I don't wanna name it Town Drunk.
165
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,130
Well, then don't ask me.
166
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:55,268
- Al, can we afford this baby?
- No.
167
00:13:56,436 --> 00:14:00,807
I didn't think so.
Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.
168
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,076
Good night.
169
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,626
- Al, Al, Al.
- Al?
170
00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:21,094
- Al.
- Al?
171
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,230
- Al. Al.
- Al? Al?
172
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,298
What?
173
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,734
Honey, you know,
I was just thinking.
174
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:31,238
If you wanted to get an extra job,
you know, after the baby was born...
175
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:34,007
...Maybe you could get one
delivering newspapers.
176
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,076
You know how they throw them on the porch?
177
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:39,212
You'd be really good at that
because you used to play football.
178
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,314
You remember?
179
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:51,458
Oh, hi, honey.
You wanna come and join us?
180
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,728
We were talking about breast swell.
181
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,866
Well, congratulations, Marcie,
you finally get to go bra shopping.
182
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,308
Oh, Al, I don't have to tell you...
183
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,679
...How much easier it is
to lug around small things.
184
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,251
Now, Al, if you have nothing
to add to the conversation...
185
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,886
...Just please go sit down.
186
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:25,892
Not here. Can't you see we're pregnant?
187
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:29,963
Now, go sit over on the stairs
in case I need something.
188
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:36,703
This is my home and I will not
be relegated to sitting on stairs.
189
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:42,676
I go anywhere I want!
Anybody got a problem with that?
190
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,747
You two are on thin ice!
191
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,785
Who are you gonna tell the baby he is?
192
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,821
Well, for the first ten years...
193
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:58,325
...Bud and Kelly thought
he was the dim-witted handyman.
194
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,760
So why change what works?
195
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:06,299
Well, at least I have no complaints.
My Jefferson can't do enough for me.
196
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,536
Would you believe, right now,
he is out getting me a pie.
197
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:13,139
Sometimes he is so good to me
it just brings tears to my eyes.
198
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,209
Well, here it is.
199
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:20,313
I drove 50 miles holding it up so
the cherries didn't settle on the bottom.
200
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,516
This is not a large.
201
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,456
Is this all you think of me?
Is this all you think of your child?
202
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,192
Well, you just march yourself
right back to Wisconsin...
203
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:36,696
...And get me a real pie, mister,
or you don't love our baby!
204
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:45,905
Okay, honey, I'll be right back
with another pie, you stinking, slimy...
205
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,413
He spoils me so.
206
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,250
Well, my Al spoils me too.
207
00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:00,220
Al, get me some water.
208
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,866
Look, it's Harry Hormone.
209
00:17:14,768 --> 00:17:18,071
Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad?
210
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,675
- Hey, Mom, we made the list.
- Oh, good idea.
211
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,279
I'll have Jefferson make one for me.
What kind of list is it?
212
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:30,450
Well, see, I'm gonna be the best mother
in the world to my new baby...
213
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:33,820
...So I asked the kids to make a list
of everything they never had...
214
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:37,724
...So I'll know everything to do
for my little "precious-wecious."
215
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:40,427
Although, I can't imagine
what they'd put on this list.
216
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:43,897
I mean, they had everything
they could possibly want as babies.
217
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,667
But let's just see what they thought
they didn't have.
218
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,103
"Milk.
219
00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:54,674
Immunity vaccinations.
220
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:59,045
Love." Oh, you scamps.
221
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:04,684
- "Rednig blicks"?
- That's "reading blocks." I wrote that.
222
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,523
Well, I think that's a good idea.
223
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:13,927
Bud, why don't you be in charge
of helping the baby with those.
224
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,395
Thanks, kids.
225
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,163
Mom, you--
You're just kidding...
226
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,632
...That this kid's gonna get
the stuff we didn't.
227
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,035
I mean, you're gonna love us
all the same, right?
228
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,171
Oh, well, of course I will.
229
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:30,910
We were a family before the baby,
and we'll be a family after the baby.
230
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,346
Now, you're sucking up all the baby's air.
231
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,548
Go sit with your father.
232
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,488
I was just born to be a mother.
233
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,762
Look how far down the chain of love we are.
234
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,632
She's got us sitting with him.
235
00:18:54,367 --> 00:19:00,073
Oh, what an odious mess we weave
when first we practice to conceive.
236
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:04,344
Now, kids, I know you think
this is bad for you.
237
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,213
But in a little while, you'll be up
and out of the house...
238
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,315
...And on your own in just two, three...
239
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,788
...30 years.
240
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:21,928
So as you can see, the only one
whose life has truly ended is...
241
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,963
...Daddy.
242
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,566
That's true, yeah.
243
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:52,345
Oh, my God, what have I done?
244
00:21:53,212 --> 00:21:55,815
You still don't know, do you?
245
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:59,085
Kids, no matter what the future might bring...
246
00:21:59,252 --> 00:22:01,087
...It's nice to know that we're a family.
247
00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:05,625
We'll go through things together.
Who'll give me a "Whoa, Bundy"?
248
00:22:07,026 --> 00:22:09,862
What do you want from me?
I wasn't even awake.
20463
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