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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:20,681 And today, on And Yet It Lived , meet Simeon Pathetica... 2 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,884 ...An ape that even evolution passed by. 3 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:41,402 Note the stooped shoulders and the dull, blank look. 4 00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:47,041 - Can I have your autograph? - Not today, Peg, I got some big news. 5 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:52,613 You know how I'm always digging in my ear with the point of a pencil? 6 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:56,851 - Oh, my, this is good news. - You betcha. 7 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,953 Well, today, purely by accident... 8 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,090 ...I found out that I was using the wrong end of the pencil. 9 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:07,528 I discovered that if you turn it around and take off the eraser... 10 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:11,665 ...You can get a real kind of suction action going. 11 00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:14,635 Get a load of this, honey. 12 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,578 But, honey, it still has an eraser on it. 13 00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:27,681 That's not an eraser. 14 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,119 Oh, my God. 15 00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:37,091 - What's for supper? - What would you like? 16 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,527 I'd like a nice, juicy steak. 17 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:43,464 Why, that's just waiting for you on the table. 18 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:50,437 Made you look, made you look. Al, you'll never learn. 19 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,806 So, honey, I was thinking. 20 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,776 Don't you think we need a little savings account? 21 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:59,179 You know, like any moderately successful 13-year-old? 22 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:02,550 Hey, don't kid yourself. I got plenty of money saved up. 23 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,988 Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any. 24 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,357 I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket-wrench set. 25 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,259 Man, it's gonna be great. 26 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:16,530 I can go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school. 27 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:27,207 Yes, and I have the trophies to prove it. 28 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,243 Anyway, Al, I've got some news... 29 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:32,012 - ...And I've been waiting for the right-- - Wait, hold it. 30 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:35,149 I'll bet that's some of the guys wanting to see my eraser. 31 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:41,655 Al, Peggy, we have a little announcement. 32 00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:45,926 Jefferson and I are pregnant. 33 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,197 Oh, Marcie, that's great. You're kidding? 34 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,768 Yep, yep, yep. I knew it right away too. 35 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:57,104 You know how when Michael Jordan's in the air... 36 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,373 ...He just knows he'll do something special? 37 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:03,477 Well, I had the same feeling when I approached the hoop. 38 00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:07,648 There was no blocking that shot, eh, baby? 39 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:15,222 - Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al? - Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father. 40 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:19,893 - Don't you have anything to say to me? - Oh, sure. 41 00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:33,040 You're a dead man. It's all over. 42 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:36,610 Today is the first day of the end of your life. 43 00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,246 Hey, I'm looking forward to being a father. 44 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:43,617 To hear my child say its first words, take its first steps. 45 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,820 Yeah, keep that in mind when you're at the newsstand at three a.m... 46 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:50,491 ...Praying they'll be asleep before you get home with your copy of Heinie. 47 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,261 What a grand jest. 48 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:58,866 Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, free, free. 49 00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:00,200 Except for her. 50 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:06,373 God, I feel great. I'm almost happy. Let me revel in it. 51 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:10,144 - I think this is a good time to tell you-- - No, not now, babe. 52 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,945 Once my kids leave the house... 53 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:15,115 ...I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to do. 54 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,084 I can watch TV. 55 00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:18,919 I can... 56 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:25,426 Well, I don't know, but it doesn't matter. 57 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:28,662 It's still better than having a screaming, crapping... 58 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:34,802 ...Money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the cemetery. 59 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,504 God, I feel good. 60 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,940 - Honey? - Yes. 61 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,542 - Guess what. - What? 62 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,778 I'm pregnant too. 63 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:07,501 Oh, Al, hold me. 64 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:13,173 - How far along are you? - Five months. 65 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:18,345 Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice I was getting fat? 66 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,949 Well, yeah. 67 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:26,687 - Oh, hold me. - Well, no, wait a second, stop. 68 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,824 That can't be right. When? Why? 69 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,793 How? 70 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,630 Wait a second. Let me check my journal. 71 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:41,668 - Five months ago, you say? - Oh, Al, isn't it a dream? 72 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,904 It better be. 73 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:50,477 Let's see, now. April, April... Here we go, April. Week one: 74 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,013 "Sold shoes, watched TV." 75 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:57,117 Week two, "Sold shoes, watched TV, wept." 76 00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:01,789 Week three, "Sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out." 77 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:15,636 "I dreamt I fell in the washing machine, woke up feeling cheap." 78 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,674 Peg, what in God's green earth did you do to me? 79 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,811 Well, I couldn't help myself. 80 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:28,448 You looked so cute trying to pull your underwear up over your head. 81 00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:32,719 - Well, I'm not made of stone, you know. - Peggy, this is so exciting. 82 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:37,291 - We can be pregnant together. - Yeah, Al, congratulations. 83 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,793 This is great. Gee, our kids'll grow up together... 84 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,496 ...And they'll be old enough to leave the nest together. 85 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:48,001 Gee, I'll be in my 50s when that happens, and you'll be, what, 102? 86 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,308 Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful. 87 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,444 The pitter-patter of little feet after 18 years. 88 00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,948 This is truly a joyous day for us all. 89 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,733 What did you do? 90 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:23,203 Can't you control your animal urges? 91 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,039 Of all the bonehead blunders a middle-aged man... 92 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,742 ...With no income can make. 93 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:32,746 God, you leave him alone for one second... 94 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,850 Did you not know the evil implications of your deed? 95 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:42,356 Bad Daddy. Bad, bad. Bad. 96 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,627 So, Mr. Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50... 97 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,497 ...What are we gonna do now? 98 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,299 I'll tell you what we're gonna do. 99 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,335 We'll be living off the scraps of scraps. 100 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,405 Slipping in puddles of baby juice. 101 00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:02,175 Our home and our clothes smelling of the befouled buttocks... 102 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,913 ...Of a child born out of middle-aged lust. 103 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,449 Oh, shame. 104 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:15,289 As if what you did wasn't bad enough, but with our mother, for God's sake. 105 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:23,063 Well, this is one fine "How you doing? Fine, thank you." 106 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:29,970 - Hi, kids. Did Daddy tell you the news? - Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy. 107 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,506 Happy, happy. 108 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,509 Now, kids, I don't want you to be jealous of the baby... 109 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,577 ...Because I'll always have time for you. 110 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:41,315 After all, you were my first. 111 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,884 I was your first. 112 00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:48,956 Really? Oh, well. What's important now is the baby. 113 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:54,328 - Did you congratulate your father? - Oh, sure. 114 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,997 - Way to go, Dad. You sure know. - Yeah. Oh, you-- 115 00:09:57,164 --> 00:10:00,734 - You old dog. You old... - That's great. It's just fabulous. 116 00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:05,739 Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I've got a hankering... 117 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:08,542 ...For a nice cream-cheese- and-coffee-grind sandwich. 118 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,446 - We love you, Mommy. - We love you, Mommy. 119 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,614 - You stink. - You stink. 120 00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,985 Do you think it's safe for Mom to have a baby at her age? 121 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,354 I mean, what is she, a million? 122 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:28,161 All right. Now, listen up, everyone. Just because I'm pregnant... 123 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:31,365 ...I don't want you to think I'm gonna be demanding or anything. 124 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:34,201 Your lives won't change a bit. 125 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:42,609 "And here's a picture of Mr. Rooster. Cock-a-doodle-doo.'" 126 00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:47,948 Honey, not to me, to the baby. 127 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:55,322 "And the duck went quack, quack. And the dog went bow-wow. 128 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,025 - And the family went to--" - Excuse me, honey. 129 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:03,263 What, are you guys on vacation? Rub, rub. 130 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,802 Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed. 131 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:25,318 Bundy, Bundy. 132 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:29,890 Bundy, you're gonna be a superstar! Just don't blow it, kid. 133 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:33,827 Come on, coach. What could possibly stop me? 134 00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,896 Hi, honey. 135 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:41,835 - Oh, Al, are you as happy as I am? - Well, how could I be? 136 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,771 Well, you should be happy. It's your baby too. 137 00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:48,942 Oh, happy, I thought you said am I as heavy as you are. 138 00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:54,047 Now, stop teasing me. You can barely tell that I'm pregnant. 139 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,852 Get over there. 140 00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:05,459 Bologna and Miracle Whip. Want some? 141 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:11,465 Gee, Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell. 142 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:15,902 Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you? 143 00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:18,939 Oh, come on, Al. 144 00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:23,343 If you don't, the baby won't see you fail till you take it to work. 145 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:31,952 That was a good one, wasn't it? Yes. We got Daddy good, huh? 146 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:35,155 So, what do you say, Al? Are you ready? 147 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:38,125 Oh, sure, I'm all afire. 148 00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:40,393 I don't know what turns me on more... 149 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,963 ...That sexy failure talk or the bologna shrapnel... 150 00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:46,099 ...Hitting me in the eye at 90 miles an hour. 151 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:55,041 Oh, all right, you big sissy. We don't have to do it. 152 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,944 - Good night. - Good night. 153 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,182 Jeez. 154 00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,785 - Al? - What? 155 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,755 Let's talk about the baby. 156 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,893 Why, did he do something cute? 157 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:17,764 You have a terrible attitude. I am not talking to you anymore. 158 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:21,101 You stink. Good night. 159 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:25,839 Al? 160 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,643 What should we name the baby? 161 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,845 The Reaper? 162 00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,019 Well, what if it's a boy? 163 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,623 Well, we could name it after my father. 164 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:46,760 I don't wanna name it Town Drunk. 165 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,130 Well, then don't ask me. 166 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:55,268 - Al, can we afford this baby? - No. 167 00:13:56,436 --> 00:14:00,807 I didn't think so. Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. 168 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,076 Good night. 169 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,626 - Al, Al, Al. - Al? 170 00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:21,094 - Al. - Al? 171 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,230 - Al. Al. - Al? Al? 172 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,298 What? 173 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,734 Honey, you know, I was just thinking. 174 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:31,238 If you wanted to get an extra job, you know, after the baby was born... 175 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:34,007 ...Maybe you could get one delivering newspapers. 176 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,076 You know how they throw them on the porch? 177 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:39,212 You'd be really good at that because you used to play football. 178 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,314 You remember? 179 00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:51,458 Oh, hi, honey. You wanna come and join us? 180 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,728 We were talking about breast swell. 181 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,866 Well, congratulations, Marcie, you finally get to go bra shopping. 182 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,308 Oh, Al, I don't have to tell you... 183 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,679 ...How much easier it is to lug around small things. 184 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,251 Now, Al, if you have nothing to add to the conversation... 185 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,886 ...Just please go sit down. 186 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:25,892 Not here. Can't you see we're pregnant? 187 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:29,963 Now, go sit over on the stairs in case I need something. 188 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:36,703 This is my home and I will not be relegated to sitting on stairs. 189 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:42,676 I go anywhere I want! Anybody got a problem with that? 190 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,747 You two are on thin ice! 191 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,785 Who are you gonna tell the baby he is? 192 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,821 Well, for the first ten years... 193 00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:58,325 ...Bud and Kelly thought he was the dim-witted handyman. 194 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,760 So why change what works? 195 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:06,299 Well, at least I have no complaints. My Jefferson can't do enough for me. 196 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,536 Would you believe, right now, he is out getting me a pie. 197 00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:13,139 Sometimes he is so good to me it just brings tears to my eyes. 198 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,209 Well, here it is. 199 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:20,313 I drove 50 miles holding it up so the cherries didn't settle on the bottom. 200 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,516 This is not a large. 201 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,456 Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your child? 202 00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,192 Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin... 203 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:36,696 ...And get me a real pie, mister, or you don't love our baby! 204 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:45,905 Okay, honey, I'll be right back with another pie, you stinking, slimy... 205 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,413 He spoils me so. 206 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,250 Well, my Al spoils me too. 207 00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:00,220 Al, get me some water. 208 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,866 Look, it's Harry Hormone. 209 00:17:14,768 --> 00:17:18,071 Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad? 210 00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,675 - Hey, Mom, we made the list. - Oh, good idea. 211 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,279 I'll have Jefferson make one for me. What kind of list is it? 212 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:30,450 Well, see, I'm gonna be the best mother in the world to my new baby... 213 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:33,820 ...So I asked the kids to make a list of everything they never had... 214 00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:37,724 ...So I'll know everything to do for my little "precious-wecious." 215 00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:40,427 Although, I can't imagine what they'd put on this list. 216 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:43,897 I mean, they had everything they could possibly want as babies. 217 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,667 But let's just see what they thought they didn't have. 218 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,103 "Milk. 219 00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:54,674 Immunity vaccinations. 220 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:59,045 Love." Oh, you scamps. 221 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:04,684 - "Rednig blicks"? - That's "reading blocks." I wrote that. 222 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,523 Well, I think that's a good idea. 223 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:13,927 Bud, why don't you be in charge of helping the baby with those. 224 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,395 Thanks, kids. 225 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,163 Mom, you-- You're just kidding... 226 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,632 ...That this kid's gonna get the stuff we didn't. 227 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,035 I mean, you're gonna love us all the same, right? 228 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,171 Oh, well, of course I will. 229 00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:30,910 We were a family before the baby, and we'll be a family after the baby. 230 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,346 Now, you're sucking up all the baby's air. 231 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,548 Go sit with your father. 232 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,488 I was just born to be a mother. 233 00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,762 Look how far down the chain of love we are. 234 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,632 She's got us sitting with him. 235 00:18:54,367 --> 00:19:00,073 Oh, what an odious mess we weave when first we practice to conceive. 236 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:04,344 Now, kids, I know you think this is bad for you. 237 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,213 But in a little while, you'll be up and out of the house... 238 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,315 ...And on your own in just two, three... 239 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,788 ...30 years. 240 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:21,928 So as you can see, the only one whose life has truly ended is... 241 00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,963 ...Daddy. 242 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,566 That's true, yeah. 243 00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:52,345 Oh, my God, what have I done? 244 00:21:53,212 --> 00:21:55,815 You still don't know, do you? 245 00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:59,085 Kids, no matter what the future might bring... 246 00:21:59,252 --> 00:22:01,087 ...It's nice to know that we're a family. 247 00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:05,625 We'll go through things together. Who'll give me a "Whoa, Bundy"? 248 00:22:07,026 --> 00:22:09,862 What do you want from me? I wasn't even awake. 20463

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