Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,000
My name is, uh,
Zach Galifianakis, and, um...
2
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,000
I hope I'm
pronouncing that right.
3
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,000
I'm named after my granddad--
my middle name.
4
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:37,000
My name... name
is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
5
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,000
Growing up, my dad was like,
6
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,000
"Zach, you have
a great last name.
7
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,000
"Galifianakis, Galifianakis...
8
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,000
"Begins with a gal...
9
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,000
and ends with a kiss."
10
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,000
I'm like, "That's great, Dad.
11
00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,000
Can we get it changed
to Galifianafuck, please?"
12
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,000
♪ ♪
13
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,000
I think of the... I thought of
14
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,000
the worst character yesterday,
and I'm going to try it,
15
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,000
but I don't know if it'll work.
16
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:14,000
It's the guy that moves
to America from India,
17
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:18,000
and he gets his nines
and his sevens
18
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,000
mix up... mixed up.
19
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,000
"I want to open up
my own 9-Eleven."
20
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,000
It's 7-Eleven!
21
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,000
Oh, God.
22
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,000
♪ ♪
23
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,000
Hey, uh, Zach?
24
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,000
Apparently,
they just intro'ed you.
25
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,000
Oh, shit!
26
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,000
All right, let's hear
a little noise right now.
27
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,000
Going to bring up
your headliner.
28
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,000
Ladies and gentlemen...
29
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,000
Zach Galifianakis.
30
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,000
Thank you.
31
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000
Wow. This is a...
this is a dream for you.
32
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:10,000
It's nice to be on the outskirts
of Chinese Town, and, uh...
33
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,000
Yeah, they changed it
to Chinese Town.
34
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,000
I'm going to start
a little slow tonight.
35
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,000
I drank so fucking much
last night.
36
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,000
Oh, God, I-I just got
to calm...
37
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,000
My... my liver wrote
his congressman
38
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,000
and complained.
39
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,000
And it's...
40
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,000
It's going to be all right,
though.
41
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,000
It's going to be really nice.
42
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,000
When you look like I do,
43
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,000
it's hard to get a table for one
at Chuck E. Cheese.
44
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,000
I went to my stylist, uh,
tonight before the show,
45
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,000
and she was, uh, like, uh,
46
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,000
"Zach, what kind of look
are you going for?"
47
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,000
I said, "Just give me
the AMBER Alert."
48
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,000
"Something along those lines,"
I think is what she said.
49
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,000
I was at the, uh,
Natalie Merchant laser show
50
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,000
the other day, and, um...
51
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:37,000
when I wrote this next
piece of business.
52
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,000
Oh, God.
53
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,000
Last night, I...
all right, I'm going to get...
54
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,000
I... I got so dr...
55
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,000
I... I African-Americaned out.
56
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,000
And, um...
57
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,000
♪ ♪
58
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,000
♪ ♪
59
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,000
Perhaps to really get to know
60
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000
actor and comedian
Zach Galifianakis
61
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,000
you have to go
where it all started,
62
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,000
his birthplace,
the place he grew up,
63
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,000
and talk to the person
who knows him best, perhaps,
64
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,000
his twin brother--
65
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,000
identical twin brother--
Seth Galifianakis.
66
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,000
This is where it all began
for you and your brother.
67
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,000
-That's right.
-On this street.
68
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,000
-Everfair?
-Everfair Terrace.
69
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,000
-1621 Everfair Serrace...
-Uh-huh.
70
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,000
Terrace. Nervous.
71
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,000
But, uh, yeah, this is,
uh, this is it.
72
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,000
-This is where it
started, and... -Mm-hmm.
73
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,000
this is probably
where it'll end...
74
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,000
for me.
75
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,000
My grandma treats me
like a rock star.
76
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:50,000
I guess that's why she
lets me sign her tits.
77
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,000
♪ ♪
78
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,000
It takes forever.
79
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,000
Because I use a pencil.
80
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,000
♪ ♪
81
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,000
Never meet anyone in public
and then, uh...
82
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,000
Never meet anyone on the
Internet, I should say, and...
83
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,000
Let me take that again.
84
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,000
Five, four...
85
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,000
...three...
86
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,000
two...
87
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,000
Action.
88
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:38,000
Tell me a little bit
about yourself, Seth.
89
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,000
Tell me about
the town you live in,
90
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,000
your family here, what
you do for a living. What...
91
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,000
Are you rolling?
92
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,000
Is that how you s... "action"?
93
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000
-You don't...
-Do you say "action"?
94
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,000
You know what,
we're having a conversation,
95
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,000
and ignore the cameras.
96
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,000
I know it's hard to,
97
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,000
because there's one
right over my shoulder,
98
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,000
and I'm looking at one...
99
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,000
here...
100
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,000
and then the lights
seem very unnatural,
101
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,000
and they get a little warm.
102
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,000
But just try to shut
all of that out,
103
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,000
and it's just us
having a conversation
104
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,000
like we did a half an hour ago
105
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,000
-when we met.
-Can you just...
106
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,000
well, do you mind
saying "action"
107
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,000
just before you start,
just to...
108
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:20,000
'Cause I've always
wanted to be, uh...
109
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,000
Like, on the George Lopez show,
I saw the behind-the-scenes
110
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:28,000
of George Lopez, and it was
on Entertainment Tonight,
111
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,000
and... before
he started talking,
112
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,000
somebody was, like...
113
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,000
"Action."
114
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000
So if you'd... I mean,
I'm not... I'm not...
115
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,000
I'm no George... Lopez
or anything like that,
116
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,000
-but I-I... If you'd just do it,
-Right. You're right.
117
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,000
-I think it might kick it in
a little bit better. -Okay.
118
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,000
Action's usually reserved
for film shoots,
119
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,000
when they do film, because it
actually syncs up the sound
120
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,000
and the film, and we're
shooting video today,
121
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,000
so we don't really
need to do that.
122
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,000
But if you insist,
we could do that.
123
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,000
Yeah, it's just one word,
if you don't mind.
124
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,000
- Okay.
- Are you still on the NRA?
125
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,000
NPR... Was it NRA?
126
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,000
It's National Public Radio.
127
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,000
Are you familiar...
Do you get it down...
128
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,000
They-they play it out
in the, like, college towns
129
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,000
in North Carolina,
NPR and stuff, and I...
130
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,000
I mean, it's...
131
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,000
to me it's a bunch of junk.
132
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,000
♪ ♪
133
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,000
Never meet anyone online
134
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,000
and then agree
to meet them out in public.
135
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000
I did that.
136
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,000
And the first thing
the woman says to me is,
137
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,000
"You don't look
like Matt Damon."
138
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,000
And I said, uh, "You don't
look like Penny Marshall."
139
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,000
Your political belief system,
what is it?
140
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000
Is it important to you?
141
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:49,000
And is faith also an aspect
of Seth Galifianakis?
142
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,000
Uh, yes, um, faith is, um...
143
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,000
I'm a youth minister...
144
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,000
and, um, in charge
of youth chili cook-offs.
145
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,000
I'm sorry...
146
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,000
I'm very sorry.
147
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,000
♪ ♪
148
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,000
If you read my blog,
you know I'm a Pilates freak,
149
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,000
and, uh...
150
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,000
♪ ♪
151
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,000
I like to read
the Pubble... the Buh...
152
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,000
Fuck, I goddamn suck!
153
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,000
I don't know...
154
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,000
I... Sometimes I have
a speech impediment,
155
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,000
which is...
156
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,000
it's a hard word to say
if you have one.
157
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,000
I guess.
158
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,000
I like to read the Bible
in public places
159
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,000
so people are
watching me read it.
160
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,000
And I like just
to murmur out to myself,
161
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,000
"Oh, bullshit!"
162
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,000
My agent called me
the other day,
163
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,000
and she was, like,
"Zach, you have an audition
164
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,000
for a Triscuits commercial."
165
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,000
And I said, uh,
"Is there any nudity?"
166
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,000
And she said, "Yes."
167
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:34,000
And I said, uh, "I don't have
to fuck a cracker, do I?"
168
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,000
Hey, that's not true-- I just
wanted to write a joke where
169
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,000
the punch line was "I don't
have to fuck a cracker, do I?"
170
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,000
Which would be different
if I were a black comedian.
171
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,000
♪ ♪
172
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000
Have you seen this show on
Lifetime about that woman...?
173
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,000
These are all old jokes.
174
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,000
I'm gonna do nothing
but new material. Here we go.
175
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,000
Brand-new material.
176
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,000
Have you guys been keeping up
with this Lorena Bobbitt thing?
177
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:56,000
I want to open a maternity shop
and call it "We're Fucked."
178
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000
I'm really tired.
I just got back from St. Louis,
179
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:12,000
and I'm so bus-lagged and, um...
180
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,000
when you have sex
on a Greyhound bus,
181
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,000
it's called the,
uh, 36-inch-high club.
182
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,000
That's my new character--
183
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,000
the serious guy
184
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,000
who surprises you with a belch.
185
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,000
It's my new character
I'm working on.
186
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,000
For five years now, I've been
addicted to cold turkey.
187
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000
And I would tell people
I'm quitting cold turkey.
188
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,000
They're like
"What are you quitting?"
189
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,000
I'm like, "I'm quitting
fucking cold turkey."
190
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,000
I was at Arby's the other day,
and uh...
191
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,000
I was thinking to myself,
192
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,000
"Oh, shit.
I should take someone's order."
193
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000
Then I thought, I should
open up my own restaurant
194
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,000
in the same vein as IHOP.
195
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,000
But I'd like to call it IHOCOC.
196
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:42,000
Which stands for "International
House of Corn on the Cob."
197
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,000
And we sell corn...
on the cob.
198
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:50,000
And our slogan is, "Come on
down; don't be such a faggot."
199
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,000
I can't decide
on the character for the DVD,
200
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,000
so I'm doing
a lot of different looks.
201
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,000
Okay, guys...
202
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,000
This is fucked up, man.
203
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,000
Fucking Bukowski was right.
204
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:39,000
I'll tell you what was wrong
with the Ford administration.
205
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,000
Nobody complains
about the Ford administration.
206
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,000
I rented The Importance of Being
Earnest the other night,
207
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,000
and, um...
208
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:58,000
First of all, I can't believe
they made another Ernest movie.
209
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,000
And it's such a cocky title.
210
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,000
♪ ♪
211
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,000
I bought a, uh, used car
212
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,000
that had a vanity plate
on it already.
213
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:27,000
The vanity plate reads:
"I S-U-X D-I-X."
214
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,000
I sux dix.
215
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,000
And I just tell people
that it stands for,
216
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,000
"I sure xylophone.
Do I xylophone!"
217
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,000
Or "I sell used Xerox,
digital interface Xerox."
218
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,000
You like this one?
219
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,000
I do like that.
220
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,000
You need to try it on?
Is this...?
221
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,000
Yeah.
222
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,000
You do?
These'll fit.
223
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,000
These'll fit.
224
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,000
But why don't
you try this...?
225
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,000
-Wow.
-You like that?
226
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,000
Yeah.
227
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,000
What do you think?
228
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,000
It's nice.
229
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,000
Is it comfortable?
230
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,000
It's comfortable, and I think
it's gonna breathe nice.
231
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,000
Candles!
232
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,000
Leave it on.
233
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,000
The old
dressing-Joe-up-as-a-lady trick.
234
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,000
I do like being
sketched, though.
235
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,000
You know what I mean?
236
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,000
Being in a sketch or being
just, like, sketched?
237
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,000
No, just being sketched.
238
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,000
Specifically caricature.
239
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,000
When that happens
and I'm not...
240
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,000
'Cause then I always...
241
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,000
I always feel...
I always feel thinner.
242
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,000
I was getting ready to say, "Do
they ever run out of pencil?"
243
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,000
Airline food's weird.
244
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,000
Is it cool
if I turn this around?
245
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000
That's my other character
that I'm doing--
246
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,000
the guy that's confused
about the microphone.
247
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,000
That's another guy
that I'm working on.
248
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,000
I have a lot of "chairacters"
that I do.
249
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:36,000
There's no way that this table
came to see me specifically.
250
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,000
I know that you were a little
picked on earlier, but...
251
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,000
Honest to God, did an old...
I mean...
252
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
We may have to move you
in the back.
253
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,000
It's not good for the DVD.
254
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,000
And we're also looking
for a more ethnic crowd.
255
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,000
We... I see now.
That's what...
256
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,000
Uh... We, uh, we
focus-grouped, and, uh...
257
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Shit, this is...
this is hard right here.
258
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,000
Are there any Asians
or blacks in the back?
259
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,000
That's gonna
be the name of the DVD.
260
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,000
That's it, that's the name.
261
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,000
Are There Any Asians or Blacks
in the Back?
262
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,000
Somebody write that down.
I'll never...
263
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,000
I'll never remember it.
264
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,000
No, if you don't mind me,
uh, a'ksing,
265
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,000
wh-what, uh...
266
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,000
You have the worst body language
I've ever seen.
267
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,000
No, no, no, no, no.
268
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000
I mean, you know, that's okay.
I mean, you're being honest.
269
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,000
At least, you know, you're be...
270
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000
you're being honest, and that's
the way you have to be.
271
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000
And, uh...
272
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:05,000
but why sit up front
and ruin my career?
273
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,000
This was supposed to propel me,
this DVD shit.
274
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,000
Goddamn it,
I've got an eye doctor...
275
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,000
whose squint...
276
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000
he's got a look on his face like
he's trying to crack a safe.
277
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,000
During my jokes.
278
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,000
Uh...
279
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,000
can I get you some absinthe
or something?
280
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,000
Is there any...?
281
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,000
Is there some kind of drink
to get this, uh...
282
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,000
this fuckin' motherfuckin'
party, whoo!
283
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,000
I love guys like,
"Let's fucking party!
284
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,000
"Yeah, fuck it up!"
285
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000
I grew up with guys like that.
286
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,000
I hated them so much.
287
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,000
Uh...
288
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,000
But seriously, Dr. Eye...
289
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,000
Do you have stock in Netflix?
290
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,000
What the fuck is, uh...
291
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,000
why up front?
292
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,000
You don't... You haven't...
you just came...
293
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,000
You stumbled on to a
comedy show, right?
294
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,000
No, we came to see you.
295
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,000
-Really?
-Yeah.
296
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,000
We're from Walnut Creek.
297
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,000
From... All the way
from Walnut Creek?
298
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000
Guys!
299
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,000
Wait a minute, wait.
300
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000
So, you didn't come to see me.
301
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,000
You did...
That's a... that's a...
302
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,000
Oh, did you see Out Cold?
303
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,000
Yeah!
304
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,000
It was a snowboarding movie
I did with Lee Majors.
305
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,000
- Um, you look like...
- Everybody Wang Chung!
306
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,000
Yeah, you look like,
uh, my fan base. Uh...
307
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,000
No, honestly,
in-in all seriousness,
308
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,000
uh...
309
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,000
wh-why are you here?
310
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,000
Came to see you.
311
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:21,000
-How do you know about me?
-From over here.
312
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,000
From over where?
313
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,000
This guy over here.
314
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,000
-Somebody told you
to come see me? -Yeah. Yeah.
315
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,000
-Well, who do we blame?
Who is the guy? -There he is.
316
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,000
-Where?
-Right there.
317
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,000
- He's here.
- Oh...
318
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,000
Oh, this guy.
319
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Is that somebody's, uh,
is that your grandson?
320
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,000
Oh, God,
321
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000
I'm fucking great.
322
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,000
I don't know how...
323
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,000
Wait, is... all right,
so this is somebody's...
324
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,000
neighbor... like, is he, like...
325
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,000
slightly...
326
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,000
Explain that; I'd like to know.
327
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Uh,
we were here last week
328
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,000
watching Mort Sahl
with this gentleman, and
329
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:55,000
I told him he should come back
so he could bring his friends.
330
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,000
-Oh, really?
-Yeah, 'cause you were great.
331
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,000
Uh, that's very nice. Uh...
332
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
How was Mort...
how was Mort Sahl?
333
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,000
Fantastic.
334
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000
Fuckin' timing was...
335
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,000
He does too many pussy jokes.
336
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,000
That whole bit he does where...
337
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,000
What was it that Noam Chomsky
said about eating pussy?
338
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,000
Just to prove
339
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,000
that I can be a dirty comedian
340
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,000
but also appeal
to the art crowd,
341
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,000
this next joke is...
342
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:36,000
so... to prove that I
can appeal to the art crowd
343
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,000
but also be dirty.
344
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,000
So, I call my balls
Belle and Sebastian.
345
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Something...
346
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,000
along those lines.
347
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,000
I'm-I'm sorry that, uh...
348
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,000
When I see, uh...
349
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,000
You look like--
and this is a compliment.
350
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,000
I mean this as a compliment.
And I-I really do.
351
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,000
You look like you've never said
the word "dude" in your life.
352
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,000
And I love that.
353
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,000
I... that's what's wrong
with this generation.
354
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,000
They say "dude" too much.
355
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,000
My name is fucking Zach.
356
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,000
Yeah, Zach was pretty good, and
then he went off on a tangent
357
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,000
about "dude" that sucked!
358
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,000
Uh, well, I apologize, sir.
359
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,000
What is your name?
360
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,000
-Carl.
-Carl. Uh...
361
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,000
I'm sorry that, uh,
it's probably not the...
362
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,000
the... the...
363
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,000
what you expected, it's, uh...
364
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000
You know, you got this
fuckin' skateboarder back here
365
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,000
running his mouth.
366
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,000
Take advice from a 14-year-old.
367
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,000
Yeah, you should
come see this next guy
368
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
after seeing Mort Sahl.
369
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,000
Jesus Christ.
370
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,000
If you love Mort Sahl
and his political humor,
371
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:01,000
you're gonna love the
"who ate all the pussy?" jokes
372
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,000
coming from Zatch Gaspifianaski.
373
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,000
That linkage is the worst.
374
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,000
If you love Barry Manilow,
you're gonna love
375
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000
the Insane Clown Posse.
376
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,000
Love them!
377
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,000
They're exactly...
378
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:30,000
Well, they're not exactly alike,
but they're a little bit alike.
379
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,000
But I want everything to be
entertaining for everybody.
380
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,000
I don't like to...
381
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,000
you know, I'm not one
of these, like...
382
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,000
"Fuck you, old man."
383
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,000
It was such an insult,
and it was not supposed to be.
384
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,000
I'm getting older, goddamn it.
385
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,000
I'm getting fatter, too.
386
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,000
You know you're getting fatter
387
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,000
when your socks
don't fit anymore.
388
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,000
Getting fatter really sucks,
389
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,000
'cause I'm extremely
claustrophobic.
390
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,000
I hate elevators.
391
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,000
Oh.
392
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:20,000
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.
393
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,000
You know, you're really scared.
394
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,000
-What floor?
-Basement. Basement.
395
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000
-Basement? Okay.
-You're sweating. -Thank you.
396
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,000
I got to get out.
397
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,000
I'm getting claustrophobic.
398
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,000
-I'll meet you down there.
-Oh...
399
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:43,000
-I'll meet you guys down.
-Okay.
400
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,000
The woman thinks it's her,
that I got out because of her.
401
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,000
-What happens?
-I just, uh,
402
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,000
get this rush over me,
403
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,000
and, uh, I can't deal with it.
404
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,000
Plus, it doesn't help
having Joe in the elevator.
405
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,000
What is... what is the rush?
Explain it.
406
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,000
It's this: You're never
gonna get out of this.
407
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000
You're never gonna get out
of this small box
408
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,000
for the rest of your life.
409
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,000
And you're gonna whittle away.
410
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,000
And...
411
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:21,000
let's face it,
Joe's gonna get hungry.
412
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,000
♪ ♪
413
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,000
♪ ♪
414
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,000
I wish I had the balls
to do that for an hour.
415
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,000
Yeah, we went and saw Zach.
416
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:51,000
It was... it was good at first,
and then, uh...
417
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,000
I don't know, he's
fuckin' losing his mind.
418
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,000
♪ ♪
419
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,000
You know what I found
watching footage of you?
420
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,000
That mental illness
is a theme with you.
421
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,000
-Yeah, it is.
-Are you...
422
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,000
Am I going crazy?
423
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,000
Are you... do you think...
424
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,000
does that come from a thing
425
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,000
that's actually
happening with you?
426
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,000
No. My brother
just always has said
427
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,000
that I was gonna be
in a mental institution
428
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,000
by the time I was...
429
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,000
And he, like, jokes
about it, like...
430
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,000
And it's funny... it's funny.
431
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:25,000
But you know, I think
the human psyche's so fragile
432
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,000
a lot of times.
433
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,000
Can you really trust your mind?
434
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,000
Can you really
trust your mind?
435
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,000
Let's talk about Zach's...
436
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,000
um, technique
437
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,000
-on stage.
-Is that what you call it?
438
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,000
You call it something else?
439
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,000
I don't have... I don't have...
necessarily have a word for it.
440
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,000
It's a bit of
a roller coaster, isn't it?
441
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,000
Because there are moments
where Zach will stop,
442
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:55,000
and we're wondering if he is...
gonna just walk away from it,
443
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,000
as if the whole show's stopping.
444
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,000
But he doesn't disappoint us,
because he picks us
445
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,000
right back up and carries on.
446
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,000
What do you think of the style?
447
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,000
What do you think
of the technique?
448
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000
Well, first of all...
449
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,000
I-I see it, and I've
seen it a few times,
450
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,000
and I'm thinking...
451
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,000
does he every get embarrassed?
452
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,000
Does he have any shame at all?
453
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,000
Does he not know...
454
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,000
that maybe people
don't want to sit through this?
455
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,000
Is that an old joke?
456
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,000
Where did the camera go? Oh.
457
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,000
Um...
458
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,000
Can I get a sausage
smoothie, please?
459
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,000
Can I get a gin and Capri Sun?
460
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,000
Uh, two diet Tequizas?
461
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,000
That's my, uh,
that's my new character,
462
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,000
the guy that orders
stupid things.
463
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,000
This is me at a restaurant
464
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:56,000
ordering, uh, wine, and we'll
pretend this is the menu.
465
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,000
Uh, wha...
466
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:02,000
You know, you always have
a microphone at a restaurant.
467
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,000
Um...
468
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,000
Sir, would you like
something to drink?
469
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,000
Uh, yeah, what were
they drinking in Sideways?
470
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,000
Let me update that,
in case that's not topical.
471
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,000
Uh, yeah,
472
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,000
what were they drinking
in Sideways 2?
473
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,000
Can he be serious?
474
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,000
The only time
I saw him be serious
475
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:37,000
was when...
476
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:38,000
That's a buzz kill.
477
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,000
See, I can, like...
like, that was a joke.
478
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,000
See, you get it? 'Cause
it's a buzz saw, probably.
479
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,000
-Mm-hmm. -And I was, like,
"That's... that's a buzz kill."
480
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,000
-Mm-hmm.
-That's what my students say.
481
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,000
The guys that-that do football
a lot, they're, like,
482
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:51,000
"That's a buzz kill,"
483
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:52,000
and I'm, like,
"What's that mean?"
484
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,000
And they're, like, "Oh,
it just means it's not good."
485
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,000
So that was a buzz kill.
486
00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:00,000
I saw that movie, uh,
Miss Congeniality 2.
487
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,000
It wasn't as good as
I thought it was gonna be.
488
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:12,000
If you love Miss Congeniality 2,
489
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:15,000
you are gonna love
The Corporation.
490
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:18,000
Are you guys getting this?
491
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:19,000
I'm fucking killing.
492
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,000
Are these cameras even on?
493
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,000
Now this is where
my brother and I, um,
494
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,000
really... we really differ.
495
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,000
Mm-hmm.
496
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,000
He's more into...
other people.
497
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,000
And I'm into these people.
498
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,000
Well, you're different
in a lot of ways.
499
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,000
Different in a lot ways?
500
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,000
You and Zach
are very different...
501
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,000
Yeah, we're... The only thing
we have in common is
502
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,000
that we both like the Fugees.
503
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,000
The Fugees?
504
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,000
I mean, do you have a-a memory
505
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:53,000
of-of actually sharing anything
with the Fugees,
506
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:54,000
or was that just...?
507
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,000
We don't have to talk about it,
if you don't want to.
508
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,000
Let's-Let's move on.
509
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,000
I... I'm sorry. What...?
510
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,000
I bought the Fugees CD.
511
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:06,000
Whenever that...
whenever it...
512
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,000
Whenever it came out,
I was... I was...
513
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:14,000
I had to pick Zach up...
514
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,000
...from the airport once,
and I was, like,
515
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:21,000
"Zach, do you want to listen...
516
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:24,000
listen to this new rap group,
the Fugees?"
517
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,000
He's, like, "Yeah, I..."
518
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,000
I didn't think he'd like it,
519
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,000
'cause he doesn't like anything.
520
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:32,000
What did he say to you?
521
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:33,000
What did Zach say to you?
522
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:36,000
He-He loved it.
523
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,000
He liked it?
524
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,000
He loved it.
525
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,000
Would you say
that was one of the few things
526
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:43,000
that you ever shared
in common then?
527
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,000
At that moment
you knew that, that...?
528
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:47,000
It was the first thing
in a long time
529
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:49,000
that he and I have ever, like,
agreed on.
530
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:51,000
It was a moment that I wish
had lasted forever,
531
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:54,000
but it only lasted
to the end of the song.
532
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,000
He didn't like the other ones.
533
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,000
So we only really...
534
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,000
The only thing that we've really
bonded on so far...
535
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,000
...the last few years
is that one Fugees song.
536
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,000
I don't even know the name
of it.
537
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,000
I like all their songs.
538
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,000
Is there something funny?
539
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,000
I'm sorry.
540
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:20,000
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
541
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,000
Uh, William, was it?
542
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,000
Yeah.
543
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:27,000
What-What is it
that you do for a living?
544
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,000
Um, I work on the Sims II.
545
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,000
It's a video game.
546
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,000
What?
547
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,000
I got bored when you went, "Uh."
548
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,000
So fucking boring, this guy.
549
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,000
That's my new character.
550
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,000
The guy that gets bored
automatically.
551
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,000
"What do you do for...?"
552
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:52,000
"Oh, I, well..."
553
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,000
"Oh, bull! Who gives a shit?!"
554
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:58,000
No one fucking cares,
William. Billy.
555
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,000
No one likes you.
556
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,000
No one!
557
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:09,000
Uh, Sims-- oh, that's
the-the video game, right?
558
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,000
Always to emphasize my boredom,
559
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:23,000
I always put a microphone
next to my mouth.
560
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,000
What the blind...?
561
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:28,000
What the fuck are you doing?
562
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,000
This is personal,
between William and I.
563
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,000
How's my gut look?
564
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:38,000
I'm serious.
This is a very bad position.
565
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,000
Oh, God, I've gotten fat.
566
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,000
And I don't mean P-H-A-T phat.
567
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:52,000
I mean, F-F-F-A-T-T-T fat.
568
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,000
Car horn fat.
569
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:00,000
William?
570
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,000
Yes, Zach?
571
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,000
Uh, so, you're a...
you're an operator
572
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,000
for that Sims game?
573
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,000
No. I do, uh,
3-D models for the game.
574
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,000
Uh, what does that... what does
that mean in... really?
575
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,000
I mean...
576
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,000
Uh, well...
577
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,000
Fucking boring!
578
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:19,000
Seriously.
579
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:21,000
Goddamn it!
580
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,000
This is a DVD.
581
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,000
I need dinosaurs,
582
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:25,000
thunder.
583
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:30,000
Race wars, something.
584
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:32,000
Damn it!
585
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,000
I got to sell
this motherfucker.
586
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,000
Is there anyone more exciting
than William?
587
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,000
What's up with stuff?
588
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:01,000
I spoke to Zach,
589
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:05,000
and he told me
he was here this summer.
590
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,000
It was the last visit he had.
591
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:11,000
And he told me about something
that occurred up to a point.
592
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,000
He said there was a dispute
in the family.
593
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:17,000
What happened
when he was here?
594
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,000
You know what? I-I...
595
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,000
What I'm getting ready
to say, I'd rather not.
596
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,000
It seemed...
I'd rather not do it.
597
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,000
Well, Zach
and I talked about this.
598
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,000
And it seemed to me
like he want...
599
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:28,000
he wanted me to ask-ask Seth.
600
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:31,000
Just ask Seth.
601
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:32,000
-Well, I...
-Why won't you talk about it?
602
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,000
Because I do...
I don't... I don't...
603
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,000
-What happened that day?
-I don't want to be accusatory.
604
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:36,000
Do you do that thing...?
605
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,000
Do you ever do that thing
where's there's like a...
606
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,000
a silhouette of the person,
and then you make their voice
607
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:45,000
like a monster voice
to disguise what... who they is?
608
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,000
Let's go back.
609
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,000
Are you comfortable?
Are you comfortable now?
610
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,000
It isn't much...
Do you want to put that...?
611
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,000
Are you gonna put that...
uh, that monster voice...?
612
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,000
It's either a robot
or a monster.
613
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,000
We can adjust...
614
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:00,000
I suppose
we can adjust your voice,
615
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,000
or equalize it
so that it doesn't sound...
616
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:03,000
Okay, let's...
Then I'm ready to talk about it.
617
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,000
Okay. Um, I want...
618
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,000
Take me back to the night.
619
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,000
You're playing Pictionary,
was it?
620
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:14,000
Um, where is Zach
in all of this?
621
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,000
Mm-hmm.
622
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,000
Zach broke the law that day.
623
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:18,000
It's great to be on stage, guys,
it really is. Um...
624
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,000
I'm, uh...
625
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,000
It's hot in here.
626
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,000
Again,
627
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:30,000
great shirt selection
for the DVD.
628
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:37,000
I went... I went
to the shirt place.
629
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,000
I was, like,
"Do you have anything
630
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,000
to highlight my alcoholism?"
631
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:46,000
I look like a third-grader
who swallowed a penguin.
632
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,000
That's the name of the DVD,
by the way.
633
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:54,000
Actually, I was telling a guy.
I would think it would be great
634
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:55,000
just to name the DVD
after the...
635
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:58,000
Just call it whatever
the new Coldplay album is.
636
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,000
"What's the name of it?"
637
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:03,000
"Oh, okay, that's what
we'll name it."
638
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:07,000
But it's actually called
The New Coldplay Album.
639
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,000
Can you guys kill the audience?
640
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,000
Just get rid of them.
641
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:22,000
I think it's better
if I'm just alone.
642
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:23,000
I-I don't need a fucking...
643
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,000
I can... I'll just...
644
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,000
I'll... I will, uh...
645
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,000
We'll do my laughter
at my own jokes.
646
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,000
Noam Chomksy.
647
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,000
Get a load of this guy.
648
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,000
Is what would be on the DVD.
649
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,000
That would be really cool,
wouldn't it?
650
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,000
I'd like to do a few characters
651
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,000
that I've been working on
for a long time.
652
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,000
Uh, this first character...
653
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,000
Sir, do you...?
654
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,000
Do you mind if I...?
655
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,000
This, uh, first character
I've been working on...
656
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,000
I bought...
657
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:15,000
I-I stabbed myself
in the eye with it.
658
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,000
Is anyone taking fucking notes?
659
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,000
The names of the DVDs,
the editing thing.
660
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,000
The...
661
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:30,000
You know you suck
662
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,000
when the camera guys
don't laugh at all.
663
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,000
There's got to be something
664
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,000
you may...
you may laugh at, right?
665
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,000
Do you like racial humor?
666
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,000
Is there any...?
667
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,000
There's got to be something.
668
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:48,000
Um... I want to combine
669
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,000
the NAACP
670
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:54,000
with Mother's Against
Drunk Driving.
671
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,000
It's called...
672
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,000
...Mother's Against the
Advancement of Colored People.
673
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:05,000
Fucking nothing!
674
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,000
Oh, fine. Uh, is there
camping on the beach?
675
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,000
- Yeah.
- Is that okay...?
676
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,000
I can drive my van and
stay in the van type of thing?
677
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,000
Yeah, if you don't
get stuck in the sand.
678
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,000
Yeah, that's-that's what
we were just discussing.
679
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:17,000
You get in soft sand, yes, sir,
you could get stuck.
680
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,000
Gotcha.
681
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,000
Oh, not too bad.
682
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,000
Oh, shit. Here we go.
683
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,000
Oh, I better coast through here.
684
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:28,000
Whoo!
685
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:31,000
Whoo!
686
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,000
-Hello.
-Hi, sir.
687
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,000
Uh, Ranger Kanin,
California State Parks.
688
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:41,000
Reason why
I pulled you over is,
689
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,000
uh, it's 15 miles per hour
on the beach.
690
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:45,000
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it was 35.
691
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,000
Yeah, no,
it's 15 miles per hour...
692
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,000
Okay. Should I go down here?
693
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,000
What was that?
694
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,000
My friend Johnny
and I were coming
695
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:04,000
out of the convenience store,
696
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,000
and there was a guy in his truck
there by himself.
697
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,000
He was in his truck by himself,
698
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,000
and John and I were walking
699
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,000
out of this convenience store.
700
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:17,000
And, uh, the guy rolls his
window down, by himself,
701
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:19,000
and he leans out and he goes,
702
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,000
"Two pussies."
703
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,000
He's like, by himself, and
we started laughing so hard,
704
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,000
and he got so pissed
that we were laughing.
705
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,000
Two pussies.
706
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:35,000
So fucking... How-How brave
of that young man to...
707
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:40,000
"Two pussies."
708
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,000
I wonder if there was, like,
709
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,000
a lot more of us coming out,
like...
710
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,000
"18 pussies."
711
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,000
Like, I wonder what his high is.
712
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,000
Like, what his...
The biggest he's gone.
713
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:56,000
All right, um, now I'd like
to do a few characters
714
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,000
uh, um... that I have actually
been working on,
715
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,000
not the stuff
that you heard earlier.
716
00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:02,000
That was terrible, but, um...
717
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:05,000
This first character that I've
been working on for a while,
718
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,000
is called, uh...
Carl, can I borrow your glasses?
719
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,000
I thought you'd ask me
for the beer at first.
720
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:13,000
Thank you very much.
721
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,000
Carl, shut the fuck up.
722
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,000
I've-I've moved on.
723
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:26,000
I'm just...
724
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,000
completely joking.
Jesus. Okay.
725
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:31,000
This first character is called
"the pretentious illiterate."
726
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:33,000
Here we go.
Pretentious illiterate.
727
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:38,000
Uh, I told you,
I don't know how to read.
728
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:49,000
This next character is called
"the forgetful vegan."
729
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,000
Here we go. Forgetful vegan.
730
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,000
Man, that sure was good
pepperoni pi--
731
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:55,000
Oh, fuck!
732
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,000
This next character is called
"the timid pimp,"
733
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:06,000
and he's on the phone
with one of his hookers.
734
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,000
The timid pimp.
735
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,000
Hi, Amber?
736
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:15,000
H-Hi. It's Mark.
737
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,000
Yeah, I can hold.
738
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:23,000
This next character is called
739
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,000
"the five-year-old who complains
about having a beard."
740
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,000
"The five-year-old who
complains about having a beard."
741
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:34,000
I don't like having a beawd.
It huwts!
742
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,000
My beawd huwts!
743
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:52,000
This next character is called
"the effeminate gay-basher."
744
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,000
Ah, that's good enough.
745
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:02,000
I want to go back.
746
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:05,000
Take me back
to the moment where you and Zach
747
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:07,000
hear the Fugees song.
748
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:09,000
Yeah?
749
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,000
Tell me more.
Tell me what--
750
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:14,000
You know how they say,
uh, you know, uh,
751
00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:17,000
smell is your number one
sensory memory?
752
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,000
Well, it wasn't
just the Fugees song that...
753
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:24,000
sets me off.
He's like...
754
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,000
"Your car-- your car
smells like Funyuns."
755
00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:28,000
And I'm like, "What? My dog?"
756
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,000
'Cause I named my dog Funyuns
757
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:31,000
'cause he likes to eat Funyuns
all the time.
758
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:33,000
His name...
759
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:35,000
He's like, "I didn't know
your dog's name was Funyuns."
760
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:36,000
-Uh-huh.
-And I said,
761
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,000
"Yeah, I named my dog Funyuns
'cause he eats Funyuns
762
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:39,000
-all the time."
-Mm-hmm?
763
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:42,000
He goes, "No, I was just
talking about Funyuns."
764
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,000
So every time I feed my dog,
I think of Zach.
765
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,000
That draws me in
more than any Fugees song.
766
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:48,000
It's always Fugees and Funyuns.
767
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:53,000
I'm part of this great
organization, um,
768
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:55,000
that I just want
to talk about for a second,
769
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:57,000
and then I'll get back
to the jokes.
770
00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:59,000
What we do is we
train homeless people
771
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:02,000
to become assistant managers
at Banana Republic.
772
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:07,000
It's a great organization,
except the name sucks.
773
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,000
It's called "Homeless Bananas."
774
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:19,000
Carl, give me a subject
to riff on,
775
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,000
and let me see if I can do it.
776
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,000
Just, uh,
something that's bugging you
777
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,000
or something
you don't like, or...
778
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,000
Besides me. Um...
779
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,000
Something-- something
along those lines
780
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:34,000
that gets on your nerves or you
think is fodder for comedy.
781
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:38,000
Um, how about President Bush?
782
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:39,000
President Bush. Let's do that.
783
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:41,000
Here we go.
784
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:47,000
We have a president who said...
785
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:53,000
"The French don't have
a word for entrepreneur."
786
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:02,000
President Bush.
I hate him so ma... badly.
787
00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:05,000
Let me take it again.
788
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:07,000
Pres...
789
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,000
President Bush.
790
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,000
I hate him so much
791
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:13,000
that I was shopping
for bumper stickers,
792
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:16,000
and I found one--
793
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:19,000
an anti-Bush thing--
and I had to put it over
794
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:22,000
my "Single and lovin' it"
bumper sticker.
795
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:31,000
But that's how much I hate Bush.
796
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:32,000
How many minutes do you want me
to do on Bush?
797
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,000
Just, like... I can do, like 15.
798
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:36,000
A minute more.
799
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:37,000
A minute more? Okay.
President Bush.
800
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,000
My, uh...
801
00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:41,000
I come from
a political family, actually.
802
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,000
I really do. Um...
803
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,000
My, um, uncle Nick
804
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:47,000
ran against Jesse Helms
in North Carolina
805
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:51,000
in '72 and, uh...
806
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:52,000
It's true.
807
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,000
And, um...
808
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,000
my uncle was winning,
809
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:57,000
and then Jesse Helms came out
with this slogan--
810
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,000
Nick Galifianakis
was my uncle's name--
811
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:05,000
and Jesse Helms came out
with a slogan that said, uh,
812
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,000
"Vote for Jesse.
He's one of us."
813
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:11,000
Uh, meaning, he doesn't have
a freaky, long last name.
814
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,000
And it turned the election,
815
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,000
and, uh,
I hate... I hate the right.
816
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:17,000
I hate them with a passion.
817
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,000
Yeah.
818
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:19,000
They're in front of you.
819
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,000
You know,
it looks like it's about
820
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:27,000
to fucking break apart
at any second.
821
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:32,000
It's got too much oil in it.
822
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:33,000
It'll calm down in a second.
823
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:35,000
Come on, van.
824
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,000
Please?
825
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:40,000
Is it even turning over
at this point?
826
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,000
I don't understand.
827
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:45,000
It's just temperamental.
828
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:56,000
I'm going to see
if I can trade in
829
00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:00,000
a couple of my jokes
to get him to fix it.
830
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:03,000
Does he have a piano here?
831
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,000
♪ ♪
832
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,000
Growing up,
I was the only straight guy
833
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:42,000
in an all-gay high school.
834
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,000
And the kids would taunt me
and yell out things like,
835
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:47,000
"Hey, Zach. Where you going?
To go get some pussy?"
836
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:57,000
I hate to be gross, but the only
time it's good to yell out,
837
00:48:57,000 --> 00:49:01,000
"I have diarrhea!" is when
you're playing Scrabble.
838
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:10,000
Because it's worth
a shitload of points.
839
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:16,000
I MapQuested
my neighbor's house,
840
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:19,000
and it just said,
"Stand up and turn around."
841
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:28,000
That show, The Amazing Race--
842
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,000
is that about white people?
843
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:57,000
At what age do you tell
a highway it was adopted?
844
00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:04,000
I think around seven,
because they start thinking,
845
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:07,000
"I don't look
like the Kiwanis Club."
846
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,000
Guys, you know when
847
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:12,000
you're giving your girlfriend
oral pleasure,
848
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:14,000
and you look up and she's
reading The Economist?
849
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:23,000
My girlfriend looks a little bit
like Charlize Theron
850
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,000
and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
851
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:34,000
I think that sign
in neighborhoods,
852
00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,000
"Slow Children Playing"
is so mean.
853
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:52,000
I went to my high school reunion
not too long ago,
854
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:55,000
and, uh...
855
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:58,000
it was... it was...
it was something else.
856
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,000
It, um...
857
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:02,000
Well, I was homeschooled.
858
00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:07,000
So it was just me
next to a bowl of punch
859
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:10,000
listening to Kool & the Gang.
860
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,000
And I couldn't believe
how fat I'd gotten.
861
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:17,000
My brother has A.D.D.,
which is weird
862
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:19,000
because he drives a Ford Focus.
863
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:23,000
I told my brother that joke
and he didn't laugh,
864
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:25,000
because he got distracted
by a squirrel.
865
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:34,000
♪ ♪
866
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:47,000
♪ ♪
867
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:48,000
Oh.
868
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:50,000
♪ ♪
869
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:05,000
I once put an Altoid
in my asshole.
870
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:07,000
♪ ♪
871
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:09,000
And... Oh, that's it.
872
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:13,000
♪ ♪
873
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,000
I hate celebrities,
all of them.
874
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,000
♪ ♪
875
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:22,000
I hate... I think
that's the poison...
876
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:24,000
Carl, actually, that's
the other poison in this country
877
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:28,000
besides the Bush administration,
in my opinion...
878
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,000
is the celebrity.
879
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:41,000
I know the irony in saying that,
880
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:43,000
when there are
five cameras on me.
881
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:48,000
But somebody has
to get the message out.
882
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:55,000
'Cause who gives a fuck?!
883
00:52:57,000 --> 00:52:59,000
Okay, I can't do that anymore.
884
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:07,000
Fuck most celebrities.
885
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,000
I almost got
fuckin' Kangaroo Jack.
886
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:15,000
Almost.
887
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:19,000
Goddamn it!
888
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,000
If I'd got Kangaroo Jack,
889
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:30,000
I wouldn't be singin'
to fuckin' bald Carl here!
890
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,000
That would have been
my ticket out!
891
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:46,000
No! Instead I got to sit here
and entertain you fucks!
892
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:50,000
I think you're pretty funny.
893
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:54,000
Well, these things
happen sometimes.
894
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,000
What's it like...
895
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:59,000
to come up with stuff like that?
896
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:00,000
Great question.
897
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:02,000
-I get this a lot.
-Uh-huh.
898
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:05,000
And if you weren't so fat,
I would answer it.
899
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:08,000
William, not funny.
900
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:10,000
Yeah, William!
Why are you laughing at me?
901
00:54:10,000 --> 00:54:12,000
-Hey, fuck you! -Do you even
know who the fuck I am, William?
902
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:15,000
-No, I don't. -Do you even
know who the fuck I am?!
903
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,000
-Yes! Let it go!
-So you'll just laugh at me
904
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:18,000
because he makes a fat joke?
905
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,000
Because you fuckin'
love his shit?
906
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:23,000
You don't even know
who the fuck I am, William!
907
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:25,000
So fuckin' shut up!
908
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:28,000
Let's go to Speck's!
909
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:31,000
Joe, that was
really good facting.
910
00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:36,000
So, tonight I thought
as a little, uh...
911
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:39,000
if you'll just allow me
to be a little self-indulgent,
912
00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:43,000
um, I thought that what
I would do...
913
00:54:43,000 --> 00:54:45,000
is I would actually talk
about my-my childhood.
914
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:49,000
And, uh, it's kind of
a performance piece,
915
00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:52,000
so, uh...
916
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:55,000
uh, just, uh, sit back
and this is the end of the show.
917
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,000
Thank you very much for coming.
918
00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:18,000
♪ ♪
919
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:30,000
♪ I believe the children
are our future ♪
920
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:34,000
♪ Teach them well
and let them lead the way ♪
921
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:40,000
♪ Show them all the beauty
they possess inside ♪
922
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:46,000
♪ Give them a sense of pride ♪
923
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:49,000
♪ To make it easier ♪
924
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:54,000
♪ Let the children's laughter ♪
925
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:57,000
♪ Remind us how ♪
926
00:55:57,000 --> 00:56:00,000
♪ We used to be ♪
927
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:05,000
♪ Everybody's
searching for a hero ♪
928
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:09,000
♪ People need someone
to look up to ♪
929
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:16,000
♪ I never found anyone
who fulfilled my needs ♪
930
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:18,000
♪ A lonely place ♪
931
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:20,000
♪ To be ♪
932
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:22,000
♪ And so I learned ♪
933
00:56:22,000 --> 00:56:25,000
♪ To depend on me ♪
934
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:26,000
♪ I decided ♪
935
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:29,000
♪ Long ago ♪
936
00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:34,000
♪ Never to walk
in anyone's shadow ♪
937
00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:35,000
♪ And if I fail ♪
938
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,000
♪ If I succeed ♪
939
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:41,000
♪ At least I live
as I believe ♪
940
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:45,000
♪ No matter what
they take from me ♪
941
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:48,000
♪ They can't take away ♪
942
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:51,000
♪ My dignity ♪
943
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:52,000
♪ Because ♪
944
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:56,000
♪ The greatest ♪
945
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:58,000
♪ Love of all ♪
946
00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:04,000
♪ Is happening to me... ♪
947
00:57:05,000 --> 00:57:07,000
♪ I found ♪
948
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:12,000
♪ The greatest ♪
949
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:14,000
♪ Love of all ♪
950
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:18,000
♪ Inside of me ♪
951
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:21,000
♪ The greatest ♪
952
00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:26,000
♪ Love of all ♪
953
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:30,000
♪ Is easy to achieve ♪
954
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:37,000
♪ Learning to love ♪
955
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:39,000
♪ Yourself ♪
956
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:42,000
♪ Is the greatest ♪
957
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:44,000
♪ Love ♪
958
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:46,000
♪ Of all ♪
959
00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:54,000
♪ And if by chance that
special place ♪
960
00:57:54,000 --> 00:58:00,000
♪ That you've been dreaming of ♪
961
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:09,000
♪ Leads you to a lonely place ♪
962
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:12,000
♪ Find your strength ♪
963
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:16,000
♪ In love. ♪
964
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:25,000
My name is Zach Galifianakis.
965
00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:29,000
Thank you very much
for coming out.
966
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,000
Seth, thank you
for being so open with us...
967
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:34,000
and spending all your time
with us this afternoon.
968
00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:36,000
I think we have
a better understanding
969
00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:38,000
about your twin brother.
970
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:42,000
And I hope that you can sort of
mend the fence a little bit.
971
00:58:42,000 --> 00:58:44,000
-Maybe. Is that your hope?
-Yeah. I hope so, too.
972
00:58:44,000 --> 00:58:46,000
That's... my goal in all this.
973
00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:50,000
Hopefully, he'll see the tape
and the program, and he'll...
974
00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:52,000
he'll want
to come to his senses,
975
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:53,000
and I'll meet him halfway.
976
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:56,000
It doesn't look like
it's gonna happen, does it?
977
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:58,000
I-I-I don't know.
978
00:58:58,000 --> 00:59:01,000
I think that this
kind of thing is, uh...
979
00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:04,000
you know, maybe this is...
he sees this as a reaching out.
980
00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,000
You know?
981
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,000
Um... sometimes you
got to reach around
982
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:11,000
and, you know, and tug at it.
983
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,000
♪ ♪
984
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:14,000
Mm-hmm.
985
00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:18,000
♪ ♪
986
01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:16,000
♪ ♪
987
01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:37,000
♪ ♪
70704
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof