All language subtitles for MASH.S08E16.Bottle.Fatigue.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Anybody know
what time it is?

B.J.: Quarter past
catatonic.

POTTER:
I got 20 past.

Maybe we oughta
synchronize our exhaustion.

At times like this,

I feel a debt of gratitude

to that old Kentucky gent

who discovered that you
can do more with barley

than make soup.

You are referring,
of course, to bourbon,

the grape Nehi
of alcoholic beverages.

I prefer something a little
more elegant myself.

Who gives a rat's hat?
So long as it numbs the noggin.

Here we are, folks,
hot off the press.
Last month's bar tabs.

Don't push.
Everybody gets one.

Just put my tab on my tab.

All right, this time
you've gone too far, Igor.

This isn't a bill.
It's a phone number.

-$38.20?

I can't be
responsible for this.

I must have been
drunk at the time.

-I double-checked it, sir.
-$38?

Mine's only 22.
You win falling away.

Well, I'm not surprised,
Pierce,

the way you
bend your elbow.

Give me a double scotch.

That must be
over 150 drinks.

Gin and tonic.

-Bourbon, neat.
-Cognac.

I could have saved this money
and bought a Studebaker.

Big deal. You'd have just
driven it to some bar.

This is just the tip
of the ice cube.

What about Rosie's?
What about the still?

Relax, Pierce.

Even my own alcoholic
consumption's been elevated

since I landed
in this leper colony.

When I go back
to civilization,

it will return to normal
as it will for all of us.

How do you know that?
I don't.

I've never gone home
from a war before.

How do I know I won't set up
a still in my own living room?

Hawk, there's nothing
to worry about. You'll see.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna see now.
I'm not gonna drink anymore.

-I mean it! I quit!

-Ha!
-Oh, I get it.

Stop now, avoid
the Christmas lush.

Pierce, a two-ton bar tab

is no reason
to take the pledge.

Not forever.
Just for a week.

I want to prove to myself
I can do it.

-You want to join me?
-Are you kidding?

I quit not drinking
when I was a kid.

Okay, have it your way.
But I'm gonna put myself
to the test.

♪ There's a bright
golden haze on Korea ♪

♪ There's a bright
golden haze on Korea ♪

♪ The sun is as high
as a drunken G.I. ♪

You know anything
from Naughty Marietta?

-Nope.
-Good. Sing that.

Come on. Wakey, wakey.

Coffee's hot. Get it
before the scum settles.

Pierce, you remind me
of a dog I once had.

He, too, was cheerful
in the morning,

so I gave him to a family
of immigrant Japanese,

and they ate him.

Come on, Marie.

♪ The dawn is breaking

Aah! You filthy swine!

Hee hee hee hee!
Hey, come on.

You don't want to be
late for your hangover.

Hawkeye!

Hawk, you shaved.

Cleaned, pressed.

It's revolting.

What is it, parents' day?

Oh, sure.

Poke fun at the able-bodied.

While you two were
embalmed, I found out

that there's gallons of
hot water at this hour.

I showered twice,
shaved, shampooed.

It's fun getting up
without the wrath of grapes.

Good morning,
men of medicine!
Mail call!

Excuse me.
I seem to have stumbled

into the critical ward.

Actually, they're
rejects from triage.

Sir, you look wonderful.

Where's the souse
we've come to know

and pick up
off the floor?

I'm spending a week
on the wagon.

This is the new
Hawkeye Pierce.

-No preservatives.
-You're quitting drinking?

-Uh-huh.
-I better call my broker

and dump my Seagram's stock.

Corporal, I believe
you mentioned mail.

Would you please complete
your appointed rounds?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Light load today,
postal patrons.

Winchester, C.E.,
three.

Give me that!

Next time I make
this delivery,

I suggest you keep
this man on a leash.

My sister Honoria.

Isn't she the lady wrestler?

Spare me your
delirium tremens wit.

Hey, Beej, come on.
Get up. Get dressed.

We got time to play some golf.

Are you kidding?
I'm in no condition to drive.

See what you've done
to yourself?

Your body is a temple,
and the Philistines
have dropped in.

Dear God in heaven!

What happened
in Boston, Charlie?

Honoria lose the big
tag team match?

How could she have allowed
this to happen to her?

Mother and Father
must be beside themselves.

What's the matter?
Is she sick?

Worse than that.

She's engaged...
to an Italian!

Klinger!

Klinger! Klinger!

What a time for that dolt
to be off playing post office.

All right. Hello?

H-Hello?

Hello? H--

Hello? Of course this infernal
contraption doesn't work.

Why should it?
Wasn't Marconi an Italian?

Hel--Hello.

About time.

I want to place a call
to Boston, Lawrence 8464.

Yeah, Boston, Massachusetts,
you geographic whiz.

Who am I? Who are you?
Sparky, eh?

Well, Sparky, flash this call
through immediately!

I-- It's an emergency!
I need no authorization!

Oh, is that so?
Well, I am a major,

and you are
a supercilious twit

with a name befitting
a cocker spaniel!

Now, for the last time--
Klinger! Thank heaven.

Here, explain to
Alexander Dumb Bell

that I must get through
to Boston immediately.

Boston, Massachusetts?

No! It's spending
the winter in Florida.

Hello? Uh, to whom
do I have the pleasure?

Sparky. Sparky.

Sparky!
Hey, long time no--

Huh?

Well, I, uh-- I can't
talk about it now.

He's standing
right next to me.

All right. I'll tell him.

-Well? Well? Well?
-Sorry.

No personal phone calls
to the zone of interior.

-Matters of military
urgency only.
-This is--

-No exceptions.
-This is military urgency!

My sister has surrendered
to an Italian!

Wow! This could be the end
of civilization as we know it.

Klinger,just get me through to
the telegraph office in Seoul.

No can do. Guerrillas
knocked it out yesterday.

Just relax, sir.

Relax? Are you insane?

How would you feel if your
sister were marrying

a swarthy, dark-haired
olive picker?

She did. And for your
information, Major,

so did my mother
and my grandmother,

not to mention the future
Mrs. Max Klinger,

whoever she is!

Did I say something
to offend him?

Colonel, it is imperative
that I get to Boston.

Boston, Massachusetts?

Yes! Yes!
Boston, Massachusetts.

Now,just hang on
to your homburg, Winchester.

You come barreling into
your C.O.'s bunkhouse,

bellow at him
like a berserk buffalo,

aggravating his anger
and his hangover,

all because you want
to bug out.

How'd you like to be
spending the rest of the war

with a bull's-eye
on your dome?

Perhaps I have expressed
myself with too much pique.

I'm under terrible stress.
You see,

my beloved sister Honoria
has betrothed herself.

Well, congrats all around.
Who's the lucky caballero?

No! No!

No! You don't understand.

The man is Italian.

Okay. Lucky paisano.

Look, I know how much you want
to be there for the nuptials.

But if I let you leave,

people will be wanting
furloughs for Groundhog Day.

Sir, I do not wish
to attend the nuptials.

I wish to prevent them.

How's that?

Surely as a horseman
you can understand.

You do not sire
a fine thoroughbred
with Tony the Pony.

Well, when you put it that way,
I can see your problem.

Permission denied. Good night.

Sir! Consider poor Honoria.

She's young, she's infatuated.
She's an idiot!

Look, boy,

aren't you being a bit
highfalutin on this score?

This is America.

Remember those words inscribed
on the lady with the lamp?

"Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses"?

What do you think
slums are for?

New sheets for old.
New sheets for old.

Excuse me, doctor.
If you're finished,

we'd like to change
the linen.

All through. Change that
dressing this afternoon,

and under no circumstances
is he allowed to flamenco.

-Sí, sí,doctor.
-Okay!

Places, everyone,
for the pagan wedding march.

Nymphs on one side, satyrs
on the other. No mingling.

Excuse me, doctor.
May I dance through?

How am I supposed
to check patients

if you're changing sheets?

We change the linens
every day at 11:30, Doctor.

Well, you could let
a person know, you know?

-So, Hawk, how's
the world treating you?
-That's my pen!

That's my pen.
I've been looking
for that for two days.

I must have picked it up
by accident.

I left that
on my footlocker.

My footlocker.

That is hardly
a bequest

to the general
populace.

I'm sorry. I don't know
what came over me.

I'm sorry. Uh, keep it.

-I'm-- Forget it. I'm sorry.
-Thanks.

I'll be back in 10 minutes.

What-What is that
stench in here?

-Stench?
-The odor.

It smells like sardines
marinating in ammonia.

It's probably
the disinfectant, Doctor.

Margaret, I know what
disinfectant smells like.

That's more like
infectant.

Four more days of his sobriety
is gonna drive me to drink.

He got mad at me this morning
'cause he didn't get any mail.

No wonder. Who'd want
to write a grump like that?

For your information,
Corporal,

Captain Pierce is not
behaving like a grump

just for the fun of it.

When a person
gives up drinking,

it has a physical effect
on the body. It's temporary.

For the time being,
we can be understanding
and supportive.

I got a better idea.

We tell him he needs
a malaria shot,

and we fill the hypo
with booze.

-Hawkeye.
-What's the matter,
you can't sleep?

Not in a Vic Tanny
Health Club.

It's just that I'm
so restless.

If somebody would open
an all-night bowling alley,

I'd make him rich
beyond his wildest dreams.

♪ Lucky, lucky, lucky me

♪ I'm a lucky son of a gun

♪ I work at--

Buona note, capitanos mios.

Well, well, it's the leaning
tower of pompous.

Who does that Rosie think
she is, calling me a rummy?

I was "shipping sablis."

How rude.
What you are is a wino.

Thank you for upholding
my honor.

Oh, geez, Charles,
not so close!

That breath could trip
a land mine.

Hey, guys? See me in my bunk?

See that darkness outside?

Those are the unmistakable
signs of night.

Why don't you leave
the talking to the crickets?

-Sorry, Beej.
-My lips are seals.

I don't believe this.

Who told you you could rehearse
the Thomas Edison pageant?

I must finish this letter
to Hon-- Hon-- my sister.

You've written her
three days in a row.

What are you trying to do,
get bulk mail rates?

I am trying,
you unamusing little man,

to prevent a wedding
which begins

"Hey, do youse
take this woman?"

Spoken like a true
patriot, Charles.

Red neck, white sheet,
and blue nose.

For crying out loud,
I'm trying to sleep here.

Well, you've got your bankie.
What do you want, a lullaby?

Oh, great, Charles.
Have another drink.

Face up to your
problems face down.

Why not? I'm sure
this swill is better

than anything they will serve
at my sister's wedding.

This is just the thing,
you know, to wash down

an elegant repast of pizza,
ravioli, and scungilli.

Before you start writing
poison pen blessings, Charles,

why don't you lie down
and dry out?

Because inebriation
will enable me

to form the words
that will sway my sister.

Perfect. Right now,
you're an expert at swaying.

Dear Dodo.

Dear Charles!

On behalf of Honoria
and myself, shut up!

Shh. People are sleeping.

I await with bated
garlic breath

the announcement of your
firstborn-- colon--

To Honoria and Vito
"The Big Knife" Machete,

a 12-pound,
10-ounce organ grinder.

When you mail that,
you'd better wear a disguise.

Why don't you dress up
as a human being?

No one will recognize you.

-All right! That does it!

That does it!

I've had it with
your sanctimony

and your bigotry.

What I need
is some tranquility,

like in a machine-gun nest.

A football locker room.

No.

A hyena's cage.
No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

The inside of a fisherman's
boot in Newark. That's it.

The potatoes,
on the other hand--

Son, I think
it'd be a lot easier

getting these vittles down
without the nasal appraisal.

I call 'em as I smell 'em.

It's just swell
having you around, Hawk.

If you're not
gonna let me sleep,

the least you can do
is let me eat.

Go ahead, eat.

But if your senses had the
sense that my senses have,

you wouldn't touch that stuff
with a 10-foot fork.

Since the veil of alcohol
has been lifted from my brain,

I've discovered
a whole new world out there,

and you have no idea
how disgusting it is.

Look, Captain, I understand
what you're going through.

It's admirable. It's noble.
It's an inspiration to us all.

But I think I speak
for the entire congregation

when I say shut up!

-Oh, is that so?
-Yes, that's so!

We've had it up to here
with your teetotaling tantrum.

Oh, I get it. You want me
to start drinking again,
don't you?

-That's not what I said.
-Oh, that's what you want.

Oh, Hawk,
don't be paranoid.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you?

The old Dr. Pierce
from Souse Korea.

He was all the rage
with that cute little
wobble in his walk,

not to mention
his rosy cheeks
with eyes to match.

That's what you want,
isn't it, Margaret?

If everything's so damn clear
to you, Mr. Keen Senses,

how come you haven't noticed

that I'm the one
who's been defending you?

That is, up till now.

Well, you don't
have to get huffy.

I don't know, Pierce.

I think she's got a good
case for the huffs.

Excuse me, Doctor.

Ah, Lieutenant Mendenhall,

as I live and breathe heavily.

Tonight's
duty roster's out.

-And?
-And I'm not on it.

Do we still have
that date?

We certainly do.
I'll call the supply room,

and book a romantic
corner crate for two.

Mmm, you are so cute.

-See ya.
-Okay.

After you're through
snuggling,

could you save a little cute
for the rest of us?

Oh, good afternoon,
Major.

That is your opinion,
Father.

-Hmm?
-Entre, sir?

-What is it?
-Italian meatballs.

No! My sister's marrying one.

You know, Major,
perhaps it's not my place,

but I'd like to point out
that the Italian people

have given the world
a great deal:

art, culture,
the Renaissance.

I hope
you'll reflect on this

and try and accept
the situation.

Thank you, Father,
but the closest I can
come to acceptance

is when I console
myself with the fact

that at least she's not
marrying an Irishman.

Why is everyone so testy?

So this is the Hawk's
famous love nest.

Mmm.

Interesting place.

And not easy
to get into, either.

I had to give a big hunk
of this stuff to the head rat.

Thank you.

-You know what's amazing?
-Hmm?

I'm having
a really swell time,

and I haven't even had
one drink.

-You don't mind if I, uh--
-No, no, no, no, no.

It's just that I'm
having such a good time
not drinking, you know?

Mmm. Well, as long as
you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, I am. I am. You know,

you could go easy
on that stuff, too.

Huh?

Well,
that's your third glass.

But who's counting?

Well, this is a switch.

Most guys think
it gets you in the mood.

Yeah, well, I can get in
the mood the regular way.

I don't need to get
my moods out of a bottle.

But you are in the mood?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But you need some kind
of artificial stimulation
just to get in the mood?

What?

Well, what kind of
a relationship do people have

if they have to get numb
just to feel something?

-You know?
-Wait a minute.

What's with you tonight?

I came here because you seem
like a really terrific guy--

Warm, tender,
great sense of humor.

Oh, sure. I bet after
a couple of belts of that,

you'd say the same thing
to J. Fredd Muggs.

Dr. Pierce, if you recall,

this little tête-à-tête
was your idea, not mine.

You gave me the impression

we were going to have an
intimate, romantic evening.

Now, if I had known

that I was going to get
a temperance lecture,

I would have made a date
with someone more fun,

like a cadaver.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for the American Society

for the Advancement
of Bigotry and Button Noses.

Klinger--my constant reminder
that Darwin was right.

Major, your snide remarks

at the expense of swarthy
peoples everywhere

shall cease and desist,

or you'll never see this
letter from your sister.

-Give me that.
-Ah, ah. Not until you say

-"Olive skin makes good kin."
-Give it to me!

Oh! Okay, okay.

I'll settle for
a kind word about olives.

Mmm! Miracle of miracles,
the wedding's off.

What happened? Your family
have the groom beheaded?

How da-- His family
intervened.

They forbade him from marrying
out of their faith. Oh!

Don't you just hate
narrow-minded people?

Klinger, I must get a wire
to my sister immediately.

MAN :
Attention, everybody.
Incoming wounded.

Get yours while they last.
Tell your friends.

Can't stand it when
people drop in uninvited.

-Major?
-Yeah, I'm coming.

I--I'll be right there.

I've got a prisoner
on the gurney, Doctor.

-Over here, Klinger.
-Thank you.

Our next contestant comes
all the way from Peking.

His interests include
moo goo gai pan

and collecting and trading
American prisoners.

How about a big
MASH welcome for--

Just get him on the table.

Klinger,
what the hell is this?

This guy's pants
are still on.

Don't blame me,
o surly surgeon.

I don't peel 'em.
I just push 'em. Corpsman!

All right, never mind.
It's too late now.

Just don't do it
next time, all right?

-Wait! Wait!

Pierce, what the hell
are you doing over there?

This crazy lunatic's
got a live grenade!

-How the hell did he
get a grenade in here?
-Don't panic.

He's holding the handle,
and I'm holding him.

-Somebody give him a hand.
-No, no! Stay back.

All right, listen up.

Everybody who doesn't have
to be here, skedaddle pronto.

-Go on.
-Just hold on tight, son.

Your fingers are all
that's standing between
us and kablooey.

Just think of me
as five little Dutch boys.

-Easy! Take it easy!

B.J.: Somebody get on
the gas and get him under!

I'll do it!

The tank's broken!
The gauge snapped off!

I'll get an ether mask. Roy!

Keep calm. I'll be right back.

How long do you think
you can hold on?

-For the rest of my life.
-Okay, Pierce,

we gotta put the pin
back in that grenade.

-Where is it?
-Search me.

Use something else,
you dolt.

A needle, swab,
anything!

This is no time
for experimenting.

That's a Commie pineapple!

We gotta find the pin
it came with.

Okay, anybody with a free hand,

get down on your knees
and look for that pin.

And for God's sake,
find it fast!

Father, as long as you're
down there--

I'm praying already, sir.

You got us all wrong.
We doctors.

We're good guys.
Look at the white hats.

Pierce, whatever you do,
try and calm that boy down.

Calm him down? What do you
want me to do, sing him a song?

Music hath charms, Hawk.

♪ Hush, little baby,
don't say a word ♪

♪ Papa's gonna buy you
a mockingbird ♪

Feel free to join in
if you know the words.

That's the ticket, Pierce.
Keep singing.

♪ If that mockingbird
don't sing ♪

♪ Papa's gonna buy--
Papa's-- ♪

What-What does Papa buy?

A diamond ring.
♪ A diamond ring

Everybody!

♪ If that diamond
ring don't shine ♪

♪ Papa's gonna buy you--

CHARLES: A silver mine.
Silver mine.

Where the hell is Klinger
with that ether?

♪ If that silver mine
goes broke ♪

Father, what are you
doing down there?

I found it! I found the pin!

-Well, get it up here!
-Well, move your damn foot!

You're standing on it!

♪ Papa's gonna buy--

CHARLES:
Uh, a cart and bull.

-♪A cart and bull ♪
-Hold him steady.

For God's sake,
hold him steady.

HAWKEYE:
Okay, stop singing.

♪ Papa's--

I got it! I got it!

Now you show up.
Where were you a minute ago

when we needed a baritone?

Hello?

This is Major Charles
Winchester, MASH 4077.

Uh, I wish to send a telegram
to Honoria Winchester,

30 Briarcliff Lane, Boston.

Yes. Massachusetts.

Ready?

My dear sister...

An incredibly profound
experience

has served to intensify

the significance
of your last letter.

It made me realize
with keen awareness,

how precious is life

and the loved ones
with whom we share it.

You are about to receive
several boorish letters

which I deeply regret sending.

Please attribute them
to greatness of distance,

and narrowness of mind.

I finally realize
to my shock and shame,

that you are no longer
the naive little sister

that I left at home.

I wish I could be there

to share the pain
you must feel.

It's only now that I have
begun to comprehend its depth.

Stop.

Love, Charles.

Got it?

Thank you.

Padre, finding that
needle in the haystack

makes you man of the hour.

Well, thank you, Colonel.

I'd like to think I was
motivated by heroism,

but when it comes
right down to it,

I was saving my own hide.

I'm just glad my hide
was so close to yours.

Well, I'm buying
a round of drinks,

and they're all for you.

Oh, thank you, sir.
I'll have a scotch, please.

-Bourbon.
-My usual times two.

Got any ouzo?
I'll have a beer.

-Scotch, neat.
-Same here.

Hawk, did I
hear you right?

Pierce, you hopping
off the wagon?

I just spent five minutes
serenading a guy

who was holding our lives
in the palm of his hand.

Oh, Hawkeye,
don't give up now.

You've only got two
more days to go.

Let the boy make up
his own mind, folks.

If Carrie Nation had been
in that O.R. with us,

she'd be getting a little
juiced herself about now.

Gee, Hawk, I thought
you were gonna make it.

Look, I admit it.

I need this drink, all right?

I'll be back when I want it,
not when I need it.

Dr. Winchester, I presume.
Fancy meeting you here.

He's so innocent.
Almost like an angel.

Who'd believe
a little while ago

he tried to make angels
out of all of us?

Nothing to worry about
anymore, Charles.

We sent his clothes out

to be cleaned, pressed,
and exploded.

Isn't there anyplace
in this camp

I can go to get
a decent night's sleep?