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1
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:56,230
Dear Uncle Abdul...
2
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,451
Sorry it's been so long
since I've written you...
3
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,540
but I have a new job here.
4
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:05,326
I've been busier than
a one-armed paperhanger.
5
00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:07,328
-Get it?
6
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:10,809
But seriously, right now
there's a cease-fire, so--
7
00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:12,159
We got wounded.
8
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:14,074
Huh? What are you talkin'
about?
9
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:16,119
How'd anybody get wounded?
10
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:18,774
A bunch of our boys
on a routine patrol
11
00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:22,386
accidentally runs into
a bunch of their boys
doin' the same thing.
12
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,259
And everybody feels obliged
to start pullin' triggers.
13
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:28,305
-Klinger, take a memo.
-Okay, but I won't sit
on your lap.
14
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:31,091
To all Unit Commanders,
Korean Theater, both sides.
15
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:35,051
Dear Dummies: A cease-fire
means that firing ceases.
16
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,357
Won't work, Hawk.
17
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,749
Cease-fire
only works in a war.
18
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,011
This is a police action.
19
00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:40,926
You can take it from me,
boys and girls,
20
00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,319
this is a war.
21
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,582
It's my third,
and, God willing, my last.
22
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,976
A war by any other name
would smell just as rotten.
23
00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:49,152
This little set-to
is different, though.
24
00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:51,894
Seems like the reasons we're
here aren't as clear.
25
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:54,897
Quite true, Colonel.
There's no feeling of unity,
26
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,247
no brave slogans
to rally around,
27
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,336
like, uh,
"Remember Pearl Harbor."
28
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,251
Exactly, Padre.
In the last fracas,
29
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,644
people seemed to care.
30
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:04,428
We were all fighting it
together.
31
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:06,169
And in W.W.I,
32
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:10,217
people went around singing
♪ Over there, over there
33
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:14,830
That's what this war needs--
its own song. Let's see.
34
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:17,441
♪ How ya gonna keep 'em
down on the farm ♪
35
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,835
♪ After they've seen Pusan
36
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:22,968
Sounds familiar,
but not bad, Pierce.
37
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:24,405
Not bad? It's terrific.
38
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,015
And who could forget
39
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,887
♪ Mademoiselle from
Panmunjom, Ouijongbu ♪
40
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:32,064
Pretty good giggle,
Hunnicutt.
41
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:35,329
You really can come up
with 'em once in a while.
42
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,374
Oh, you're just laughing at him
'cause underneath that mask
43
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,463
he's got on
a funny nose and mustache.
44
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,813
Can the correspondence,
Klinger.
45
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,772
-But, sir, I'm--
-No buts. Let's skedaddle.
46
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:46,992
Sophie's at her best
just after breakfast.
47
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:49,691
I'll be back, Unc.
Make yourself at home.
48
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:53,129
There is nothing more grand,
more classically military
49
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,218
than the equestrian officer.
50
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:57,351
What could be more noble
51
00:02:57,394 --> 00:03:00,571
than the soldier
astride his trusty steed?
52
00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:02,530
I really hate this, sir.
53
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,793
I feel stupid dressed up
like a colonel.
54
00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:06,055
Tough patooties.
55
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:07,448
You didn't use to mind
56
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,276
dressing up
like a colonel's wife!
57
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:12,366
Now straighten up!
Throw out that chin!
58
00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:13,976
My chin is out, sir.
59
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,760
Then suck in that nose.
60
00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:17,980
Arch that back!
61
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:20,287
Remember, this
is a self-portrait.
62
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:22,854
That's me you're being.
63
00:03:22,898 --> 00:03:27,816
I'll fill in my own hard-bitten
but lovable face later.
64
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:30,253
-Something funny?
65
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:32,342
It's just a letter
from my dad.
66
00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:35,302
Ah. More racy tidbits
from Crabapple Cove?
67
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:38,566
He mentions a terrific old joke.
Always used to kill me.
68
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,440
That good, huh?
69
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:47,314
Possibly the funniest
clean joke of all time.
70
00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:53,581
Well, are you just gonna sit
there hogging all the guffaw,
71
00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:54,799
or do I get to hear it too?
72
00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,975
All right.
Okay, but don't blame me
73
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:59,326
if you fall off
that stool laughing
and break your klavey.
74
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,241
Just tell me the joke.
I'll worry about my own
klavey.
75
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:04,896
Okay, here it is. Here it is.
76
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:07,290
This guy owns a circus, see?
77
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,901
And one day he's in there,
uh, checkin' out the big top,
78
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:14,297
and this scrawny little guy
walks in-- walks in the door.
79
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:16,691
He walks over to the boss,
and he says,
80
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,693
"Are you the boss here?"
81
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,695
Guy says,
"Yeah. What do you want?"
82
00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:23,915
He says, "I'd like to join
the circus. I got an act."
83
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,222
The guy says, "Oh, yeah?
Well, let me see what it is."
84
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,311
So this little guy goes over
to the center pole,
85
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,313
and he starts
climbing up the pole.
86
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,576
And he goes all the way up.
He climbs up and up and up.
87
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:35,753
He goes all the way up to the
very peak of the big top.
88
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:39,061
And he looks down,
and he takes a deep breath,
89
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:42,020
and he leaps off, and he
starts flapping his arms.
90
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:44,762
And he starts flying!
And he flies all around
the big top!
91
00:04:44,806 --> 00:04:46,198
He goes all the way
around the place.
92
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,852
He goes around
the center pole. Pshew!
93
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:50,115
He goes loop-de-loop
through the trapezes.
94
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,683
Whooo! Whooo! Whooo!
Then he gets all the way up,
95
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:55,120
and he takes a nosedive
right down to the ground.
96
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:57,819
Ahhhh!
Flapping his arms like mad.
97
00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:59,821
And he lands right next
to the boss.
98
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:04,478
And he says,
"Well, what do ya think?"
99
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:08,133
The boss says,
"That's all you do?
Bird imitations?"
100
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:09,744
Ha ha ha.
101
00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:13,095
Get it?
102
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,489
Bird imitations.
103
00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,360
Yeah, I get it. It's cute.
104
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:22,800
Cute? You give the world's
funniest joke a smirk
and a cute?
105
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:25,803
That's like saying Ava Gardner
has pleasant features.
106
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:28,240
Hawk, I'm sorry. I didn't
think it was all that funny.
107
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:30,068
Certainly nothing
to write Korea about.
108
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:31,766
What is the matter with you?
109
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,681
When I tell that joke,
I get screams.
110
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,944
Well, I hate to smirk and run,
but I'm due in post-op.
111
00:05:35,987 --> 00:05:37,424
See you later, Uncle Miltie.
112
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,121
You wouldn't know a good
joke if it leaped up
113
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:41,036
and bit you
on the funny bone!
114
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,737
Father, you're a pretty
funny guy, as priests go.
115
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:49,261
Did you hear that fantastic
joke I just told?
116
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:52,003
I did notice you
jumping about quite a bit,
117
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,789
but, uh, I see a great
deal of that here.
118
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:56,834
Frankly, I wasn't paying
much attention.
119
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:58,314
This guy owns a circus, see?
120
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,098
Uh, Hawkeye, uh,
121
00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:03,406
my mind is kind of occupied
with something else just now.
122
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,235
-Could it wait?
-Yeah, sure, I guess so.
What are you doing?
123
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:09,107
After our little discussion
in O .R., I--
124
00:06:09,151 --> 00:06:12,241
I took it upon myself
to write a Korean War song.
125
00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:14,722
You did? Really?
Well, let me hear it.
126
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:17,072
Well,
I've only just started.
127
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:19,901
And I've never done
this sort of thing before.
128
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:22,294
Well, all right, all right.
I'll--
129
00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:24,601
I'll play you
what I've got so far.
130
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,169
It's sort of a love song.
131
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,779
Oh.
132
00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:31,521
♪ Oh, my dear
133
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:34,437
♪ I can't wait to see ya
134
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:40,443
♪ But I'm here
in South Korea ♪
135
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:44,534
♪ The picture you sent
was quite an eyeful ♪
136
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:49,974
♪ I've taped it
to my trusty rifle ♪
137
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:55,153
-What do you think?
-Well--
138
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,939
It's no "Halls of Montezuma,"
is it?
139
00:06:57,982 --> 00:06:59,810
No, but it rhymes a lot.
140
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:02,160
-You know what they say
141
00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:05,163
about people who sit by
themselves and giggle
in the middle of a war.
142
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,078
Forgive the chortling
143
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:10,038
and grab a seat, Pierce.
144
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,040
You're a man
who fancies a good joke.
145
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:15,260
Well, I heard me a doozy
this morning.
146
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,741
And every time
I think about it,
147
00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:21,179
I start up again--
148
00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:23,181
busting my slats.
149
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:25,270
Well, come on, Colonel.
Spill it.
150
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:27,838
I wanna get a laugh out
of something besides
what's on my tray.
151
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:31,842
Okay, here goes. There's this
fell-- this fellow, see?
152
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:33,844
-Yeah.
153
00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:36,499
-Is lunch that funny?
154
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:41,243
The colonel is about
to regale me with a joke.
155
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:45,465
Sit down, Klinger.
I can regale two
for the price of one.
156
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:49,469
Anyway, there's this fellow
who owns a circus.
157
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:52,036
And one day, he's
checkin' out the big top.
158
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:54,865
And this scrawny
little guy comes in
159
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:56,345
who wants
to join the circus.
160
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,781
Yeah, that's right.
161
00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,783
Oh, sure, you must've
heard it too.
162
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:03,091
So did I. B.J. told me.
Funny joke!
163
00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,789
Well, he hit me with it
a while ago in post-op.
164
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,271
I can just see that little guy
flappin' around the big top.
165
00:08:11,926 --> 00:08:14,232
Poor guy.
"That's all you do?"
166
00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:16,234
BOTH: "Bird imitations?"
167
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:23,590
The way he tells it kills me.
168
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,069
With the--
169
00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:27,028
Ahhhhhhh!
170
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:29,334
And he pulls out of the dive
at the last possible minute,
171
00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:33,164
flaps to a stop, and says,
"Well, how'd you like it?"
172
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,036
And the circus boss says,
173
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:37,125
"That's all you do?
Bird imitations?"
174
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:42,260
That's wonderful, yes?
175
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,045
-Funny!
-Thanks.
176
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,656
Quite right, Pierce.
He doth sometimes
show a spark of wit.
177
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,441
-Wit my joke, he doth.
-Your joke?
178
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,705
You created
that wondrous anecdote?
179
00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:53,707
Well, no, but I have
the Korean rights to it.
180
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,578
Ahhh. Aha!
181
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,014
And you resent Hunnicutt
182
00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:58,842
basking in the glow
of your spotlight, eh?
183
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:02,411
Well, I'm sure
you'll settle it like children.
184
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:05,109
Excuse me. I have pressing
business.
185
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,111
"So what'd you think of it?"
186
00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:09,505
"That's all you do? Bird
imitations?"
187
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:15,163
Hi, there!
Remember me, your gag writer?
188
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,773
Hawk, it's only a joke.
189
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:19,254
Only a joke?
I tell it to you,
190
00:09:19,297 --> 00:09:21,212
and you look at me like I
read you the obituaries.
191
00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:23,127
The next thing I know,
you're gettin' big laughs
all over camp,
192
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:24,955
telling the same joke.
193
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,827
Well, it's not exactly
the same joke.
194
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,480
-I tell it better.
-Huh.
195
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,178
Some people can tell a joke,
and some can't.
196
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,572
Are you tryin' to tell me you
tell jokes better than I do?
197
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,965
-Maybe it's the funny mustache.
-Uh, doctors,
198
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:38,490
if I can just
interrupt this important
medical consultation--
199
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:41,145
Yeah. I never say no
to anybody with his own
infantry support.
200
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,234
-Who-- Who's your friend?
-Says his name is Eddie.
201
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:44,627
He just walked in
off the line.
202
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,716
-He's a little confused.
-Uh-huh.
203
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,066
-Hi, Eddie.
-Hi.
204
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:51,547
-What can we do for ya?
-Is Hank here?
205
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,897
-Who?
-Hank's his buddy.
206
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,683
I'm supposed to go
wherever he goes.
Is he here?
207
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,642
Uh, I don't--I don't know,
Eddie. You, Beej?
208
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,731
I don't know, either.
What makes you think
he'd be here?
209
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,298
Well, he got shot.
210
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,908
Well, we get a lot
of that here.
211
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:07,955
MAN:
Hey, Eddie, is that you?
212
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:10,392
Dave.
213
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:15,397
I'm--I'm tryin' to find Hank.
You seen him?
214
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,227
Yeah. He's right over there
in the last bunk.
215
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,881
He's got hit pretty bad.
216
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:24,362
Well, is he okay?
217
00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:25,668
Doc?
218
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,757
-Yeah.
-How's Hank?
219
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,672
You talkin' about
Corporal Fleming?
220
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,413
-That's him.
-Well, he's still unconscious,
221
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:33,197
but he's gonna be fine.
You remember, Hawk?
222
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:35,112
He's the kid who got all
the shrapnel in his neck.
223
00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:37,245
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He lost a lot of blood,
but he'll be all right.
224
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,465
I'm gonna go
sit with him, okay?
225
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,685
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
226
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:48,691
Hey, soldier,
is that kid all right?
227
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:51,520
Eddie? Well, sure.
228
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:54,523
He's just a little slow.
You know.
229
00:10:54,566 --> 00:10:56,656
What do you mean slow?
230
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,920
He's just not too bright.
231
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,792
Uh, back in Basic,
Hank was the squad leader,
232
00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:05,621
and they sorta made him
responsible for Eddie.
233
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,493
He helped him on tests
and kept him outta trouble.
234
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:09,930
That sort of thing.
235
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:12,454
Wait a minute.
You tryin' to say
236
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,151
this Eddie has some
sort of mental problem?
237
00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:16,893
No. No, Eddie's okay.
238
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:19,635
He's just not as smart
as some people.
239
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,639
What the hell is a kid
like that doing in combat?
240
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,163
Maybe there were no openings
on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
241
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,774
Does your C.O.
know about this?
242
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:30,733
Oh, sure. Everybody does.
243
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,735
Most of us sorta
look out for Eddie.
244
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,998
And he's a pretty good soldier.
245
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:38,262
When Hank got hit,
Eddie took care of his wound,
246
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:41,396
picked him up
and carried him back
to Battalion Aid.
247
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:45,748
I guess he must've just
followed the litter jeep
down here.
248
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,402
Eddie's fine...
249
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,186
as long as he stays
with Hank.
250
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:50,361
That's gonna be
kinda tough.
251
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,278
Day after tomorrow,
Hank goes home.
252
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:02,504
Klinger, where is
my footlocker?
253
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:03,940
I suppose in your tent.
254
00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,942
I have just come
from my tent.
255
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:08,597
What I have in there
can no longer be called
a footlocker,
256
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,035
because you cannot call
something a locker
if it doesn't lock!
257
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:14,124
What I have in there
is a foot-opener!
258
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:17,824
And some disgusting
deviant in this camp
has done just that!
259
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:21,871
Opened it! Violated
my personal, private,
intimate belongings!
260
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:24,787
The major wouldn't be
imagining things, would she?
261
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,790
Klinger, I know violating
when I see it.
262
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,792
Now I requested
a new footlocker.
263
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,489
I wanna know why
I haven't got it yet.
264
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,578
-They turned ya down.
-Turned me down!
265
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,450
Major, I told you
it was a long shot.
266
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,539
I-Corps says they'll only
replace a footlocker
267
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:39,106
if it's damaged in combat.
268
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:41,499
That's ridiculous!
This is a hospital unit.
269
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,632
What kind of combat
do we see here?
270
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:46,069
Well, I don't make the rules.
I just live by 'em.
271
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,158
It's the good old American
sense of fair play.
272
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:49,986
Don't give me that
garbage, you clown!
273
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,597
What am I supposed to do
with my personal belongings?
274
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:54,948
I got a hope chest
I'm not using anymore.
275
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:57,820
How would you like to find
yourself stuffed inside it?
276
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,474
Klinger, the time has come.
277
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:01,128
Oh, sorry, Major.
I didn't know you were here.
278
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:02,869
What the hell are you
supposed to be?
279
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,696
This happens to be the finest
280
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:07,264
in autumn hunting attire
from Abercrombie & Fitch.
281
00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:09,310
Well, you look like
an overgrown bagpipe.
282
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,051
Thank you.
283
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,922
Major Houlihan and I were
just winding things up.
284
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:14,837
Excellent. I have
the rest of the day off.
285
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,404
Sorry, ma'am,
but duty calls.
286
00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:18,449
This is a business matter
of the utmost importance.
287
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,147
What about my footlocker?
288
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:23,933
I am sorry about that,
but my hands are tied.
289
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:27,197
To the hunt, Major!
290
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,156
Hi, doc.
291
00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:31,462
Am I gonna be okay?
292
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,638
Well, I wouldn't do any
heavy yodeling for a while,
293
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,597
but other than that,
you're fine.
294
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:36,859
Great.
295
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:40,950
Uh, let me see.
Anything else?
296
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:44,562
Um, oh, yeah. Yeah.
297
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:50,133
We're gonna send you down
to an evac hospital today.
298
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:52,135
You're headin' home.
299
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:53,484
-What?
300
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:54,877
Are you serious?
301
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,879
Yeah, yeah.
302
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:59,360
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
303
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,536
I love telling people that.
304
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:04,800
I just wish they didn't have
to get shot to hear me say it.
305
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,585
By the way, you got a visitor.
306
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:11,067
Rise and shine.
Time for roll call.
307
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:12,112
Huh?
308
00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:17,552
Eddie? Is that you?
309
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:20,642
Hank.
310
00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:26,039
Hi, Hank. You all right?
311
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,388
Yeah.
312
00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:28,998
Eddie wrapped a field bandage
on your wound
313
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:30,565
and carried you down
to Battalion Aid.
314
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,610
Probably saved you
from bleeding to death.
315
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:38,051
-Hey, Eddie, thanks, buddy.
-That's okay.
316
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,662
I told you, didn't I?
317
00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:42,925
You're gettin' to be
a hell of a soldier.
318
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,362
Yeah, well...
319
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,060
it'll sure be good
when you're better
320
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,539
and we're together again.
321
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,628
Eddie, listen--
322
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:54,545
Doc, I'd like to take care
of this myself, okay?
323
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:56,417
Yeah.
324
00:15:01,465 --> 00:15:03,380
Major, we've been
out here for three hours,
325
00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:05,208
and you haven't shot
one lousy pigeon.
326
00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:07,080
Quail, you Lavatch.
327
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,386
What do you say we just
forget about the 20 bucks?
328
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:11,475
You don't pay me anything
if we go home right now.
329
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,347
Now? Empty-handed?
330
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,740
Klinger, ever since
my trusty shotgun arrived,
331
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,351
I have been waiting
for this chance.
332
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,701
And if you were
a proper bird-flusher,
333
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,311
we would now be back in camp
334
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,052
with a covey
of delicious fowl.
335
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:24,924
Don't blame me.
I'm flushin' my face off.
336
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,577
You're the one
who missed twice.
337
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:28,579
Missed? Missed?
338
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:31,147
If you recall, you tripped
and jostled my arm.
339
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:35,412
You clumsy clot.
Now keep a sharp lookout.
340
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:38,154
Try this one, Abdul.
341
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:40,287
Remember yesterday
I was a colonel's body?
342
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:42,289
Well, today
I'm a major's bird dog.
343
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:43,725
Silence, Kling--
344
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:47,120
Klinger, look ahead there,
in that clearing.
345
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:48,643
It is indeed our quarry.
346
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,821
Good boy.
347
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,866
Okay. I'll flush
the little bugger.
348
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,347
-Then can we go home?
-I promise you.
349
00:15:57,391 --> 00:16:00,089
If I bag one bird,
you will be off the hook.
350
00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:04,093
Now, big fella.
351
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:05,834
Tally ho! Yoiks!
352
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:10,970
Eureka!
353
00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:15,887
Holy Toledo!
354
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,454
Either that bird
hit a land mine,
355
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:20,588
or you just shot down
a kamikaze pigeon.
356
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,155
I don't care what you say.
I'm getting outta here!
357
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:24,679
Maj--Major!
358
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,813
Major!
359
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:30,990
I kinda wish
you weren't leavin'.
360
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:35,298
We've been together
a long time.
361
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:37,083
You ain't kiddin', pal.
362
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,041
It's a good thing too.
363
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:41,957
If we hadn't been together
when I got clomped,
364
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,393
I might not have made it.
365
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:45,743
I'm scared.
366
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:49,269
I ain't never
been alone before.
367
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:55,057
You know me--dummy.
368
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,581
You're not a dummy.
369
00:16:57,625 --> 00:17:00,932
You're good. You're tough.
370
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:03,065
You got nothin'
to be scared of.
371
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:07,069
Besides,you ain't
gonna be alone.
372
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,289
From now on,
you and me are buddies.
373
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,728
We worked it all out,
didn't we?
374
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:17,906
Yeah, we did.
375
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,343
Then don't sweat it,
or I'll come back over here
376
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:22,389
and knock you around.
377
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:26,262
Can I write you?
378
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,438
You better.
379
00:17:28,482 --> 00:17:30,310
We got room for one more.
380
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:31,920
Anybody else with tickets
for the bus tour?
381
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,313
I'm ready to go,
doc.
382
00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:35,271
-Thanks.
-Don't mention it.
383
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:37,752
All part of
the Fun Fiesta package
here at Camp Patchemup.
384
00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:41,190
And don't worry about Eddie.
He's gonna be okay.
385
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,887
I'm glad to hear that.
386
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,802
I just hope all
the Eddies over here
387
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:45,934
have buddies like you.
388
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,718
Thanks for everything, Eddie.
389
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,285
Take care of things,
huh, Dave?
390
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,244
It's a deal.
391
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:52,419
Bye, Hank.
392
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:59,426
Hey, he's gonna be fine.
How are you doing?
393
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:03,256
Oh, I'm all right.
We worked it all out.
394
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:06,955
Eddie's gonna hitch
a ride up to the unit
and talk to the sarge.
395
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,523
You stick with him
for a couple of days,
and then I'll be back.
396
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,916
-Right?
-Right.
397
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,875
Before you shove off,
come to the mess tent.
398
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:15,529
You can pick up an order
of cramps to go.
399
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,489
Specialty today
is ambush stew.
400
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,535
It'll attack you
when you least expect it.
401
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:25,321
Ambush stew.
402
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:27,280
You're funny.
403
00:18:30,457 --> 00:18:32,850
-Klinger! Hold it right there!
-Oh, no. Now what?
404
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:34,069
Where have you been?
405
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,507
Oh,just out making
an ass of myself.
406
00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:39,422
It's a rare gift he has.
407
00:18:39,466 --> 00:18:41,685
I've had it with you,
that footlocker,
408
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:44,253
and every debased pervert
in this camp!
409
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:46,516
No longer is mere
violating good enough.
410
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,431
Now we're up to stealing!
411
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:49,824
Don't take it out on me,
Major.
412
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,173
I didn't do anything.
413
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,175
That has nothing
to do with it!
414
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,351
If you were man enough
to stand up to I-Corps,
415
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:58,137
the creeps in this camp
wouldn't be stealing
my underwear!
416
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,834
Probably just some
secret admirer
417
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:02,097
who has difficulty expressing
himself verbally.
418
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:05,274
Major, my heart bleeds,
but I told you,
419
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:08,190
I-Corps won't replace
a personal item
420
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,887
unless it's
damaged in combat!
421
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:13,064
Aaah! What-- Don't-- I--
422
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:15,893
Of course, Corporal.
423
00:19:15,937 --> 00:19:18,113
Oh.
424
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,289
Excuse me, Major Winchester.
425
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:32,823
There I was in my tent.
426
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:34,608
Suddenly, a sniper
leaped out at me
427
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:37,306
and fired two shots!
Bang! Bang!
428
00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:40,570
Without hesitation,
my valiant footlocker,
429
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:43,747
flung itself in
the direct line of fire,
430
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:48,012
giving its life
that I might live.
431
00:19:48,056 --> 00:19:52,713
So take this
worthless piece of junk
and get me a new one!
432
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:54,715
And make it quick,
or I'll use the same technique
433
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,457
to replace
a defective company clerk.
434
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:01,678
Thank you, Major.
435
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,680
And he lands right next
to the big guy.
436
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:06,553
And he says,
"Uh, so, what do ya think?"
437
00:20:06,596 --> 00:20:10,165
And the circus guy says,
"That's all you do?
Bird imitations?"
438
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:14,517
-I remember that.
-I don't know, Pierce.
439
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:17,172
Well, now look, I know you've
seen this about a dozen times,
440
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,435
but I mean, who tells it
better, me or B.J.?
441
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:22,743
Well, that's just it.
It's hard to say.
You flap pretty good.
442
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:25,267
-Uh-huh.
-But Hunnicutt has a certain
443
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:26,790
lilt in his voice.
444
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,749
There. You see?
I have lilt.
445
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:31,882
Who cares about lilt?
Does Red Skelton have lilt?
446
00:20:31,926 --> 00:20:34,189
Does Jackie Gleason
have lilt?
447
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,886
This is a visual joke here.
448
00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:37,758
It's moves that count,
not lilt.
449
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:39,412
I must admit, Pierce,
450
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:41,979
you create the illusion
of flight admirably.
451
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:43,198
There.
You see what I mean?
452
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,765
But Hunnicutt brings
453
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:48,029
a wonderful panache
to the telling.
454
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:51,250
There you have it.
You can't beat
lilt and panache.
455
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:54,688
Feh on panache!
What do you think, Margaret?
456
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:56,864
Don't get me into this.
457
00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:58,344
I think it's a stupid joke.
458
00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:00,563
Nobody can fly just by going--
459
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,783
There must be an objective
opinion around here somewhere.
460
00:21:02,826 --> 00:21:04,959
-Hey, Klinger!
-Yeah. What?
461
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,961
You seem to be a
disinterested bystander.
462
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:08,702
I certainly am.
Very disinterested.
463
00:21:08,745 --> 00:21:10,138
We need the answer
to a question
464
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:12,183
that's been plaguing man
for centuries.
465
00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:13,402
What is it?
466
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:15,230
Who's the funniest
guy in this camp,
467
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:16,492
me or B.J.?
468
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:18,320
You interrupt
an important letter
469
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,148
to ask me a stupid
question like that?
470
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:21,584
-Uh-huh.
-Yeah, tell us
471
00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:22,803
once and for all,
who's the funniest?
472
00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:25,893
-It's no contest.
-Ahhh.
473
00:21:25,936 --> 00:21:27,242
Neither one of ya.
474
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:28,896
What are you talking about?
475
00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:31,333
You guys don't even
make the first cut.
476
00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:32,769
I'm tryin'
to tell my uncle
477
00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:34,380
what kind of a place
I work in.
478
00:21:34,423 --> 00:21:36,860
Doctors,
nurses, savin' lives.
479
00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:38,558
I got a commanding officer
480
00:21:38,601 --> 00:21:39,907
who dresses me up
in his clothes
481
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:41,474
and sits me
on a horse named Sophie
482
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:43,127
so he can paint
his own picture.
483
00:21:43,171 --> 00:21:45,347
There's a priest
writing war ditties,
484
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:47,349
and a snooty major
who pays me 20 bucks,
485
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:49,003
to follow him
out in the woods
486
00:21:49,046 --> 00:21:51,222
and watch him blow up
a pigeon with a land mine.
487
00:21:51,266 --> 00:21:52,876
And if that doesn't
do it for ya,
488
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,880
I got a head nurse
who shoots unarmed luggage.
489
00:21:56,924 --> 00:22:00,884
All you two guys do is walk
around all day tellin'jokes.
490
00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:04,453
What the hell's
so funny about that?
491
00:22:04,497 --> 00:22:07,413
See, Unc? It's no wonder
I never got a Section 8.
492
00:22:07,456 --> 00:22:09,415
There's nothing special
about me.
493
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,242
Everybody here is crazy.
494
00:22:12,853 --> 00:22:15,334
How's the war song
coming, Father?
495
00:22:15,377 --> 00:22:17,858
Well, I'm not sure really.
496
00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:20,295
Tell me what you think.
497
00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:26,606
♪ There's no one
singing war songs now ♪
498
00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:30,523
♪ Like people used to do
499
00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:32,655
♪ No "Over There"
500
00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:35,223
♪ No "Praise the Lord"
501
00:22:35,266 --> 00:22:39,401
♪ No "Glory, hallelu"
502
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:44,885
♪ Perhaps at last
we've asked ourselves ♪
503
00:22:44,928 --> 00:22:51,152
♪ What we should
have asked before ♪
504
00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:54,590
♪ With the pain and death
505
00:22:54,634 --> 00:22:58,333
♪ This madness brings
506
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:04,165
♪ What were we ever
singing for ♪
507
00:23:09,213 --> 00:23:10,606
Amen.
508
00:23:17,961 --> 00:23:19,441
Wonder how Eddie's doing.
509
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:21,182
As long as he has friends
like Hank and Dave,
510
00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:23,489
he'll be just fine.
511
00:23:23,532 --> 00:23:26,100
Think maybe you and I
could learn something
from them, Hawk?
512
00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:30,321
We have been acting
kind of stupid
toward each other
513
00:23:30,365 --> 00:23:32,454
the past couple of days,
you know that?
514
00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:35,152
With all the pressure
and idiocy of this war,
it's no wonder.
515
00:23:35,196 --> 00:23:37,503
-Maybe we oughta call a truce.
-Good idea.
516
00:23:37,546 --> 00:23:39,505
Okay, no more rivalry.
517
00:23:39,548 --> 00:23:41,811
No more tryin' to outdo
each other all the time.
518
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:44,161
Tryin' to top each other
is just silly.
519
00:23:44,205 --> 00:23:46,207
You're absolutely
right, pal.
39019
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