All language subtitles for MASH.S08E10.The.Yalu.Brick.Road.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

-Not another one.
-I'm afraid so, sir.

NURSE: Ohh!

Lieutenant, your face is
greener than your fatigues.

Why don't you park it
for a bit?

Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Come on, Rizzo. I'll steer.
You just move your feet.

Oh, Colonel,
you know how you feel

after you've been out
all weekend

drinking cheap booze
and eating chili dogs?

-Yeah.
-I wish I felt that good.

You just hang on to the bunk.
I'll get something

that'll put
you and your stomach
back on speaking terms.

I can take the truth, sir.
What is it?

Rabies? Was I bit by a rat?

No, it isn't rabies.
We just got the lab report.

Looks like salmonella.

Sam and Ella? Who are they?

Rizzo, you're sicker
than I thought.

Get some rest.

Colonel,
what's happened here?

Morning, Padre.

You said we were in for
a quiet Thanksgiving,

or I never would've gone
to the orphanage.

Put him over there.

These are our own people,
not casualties, Father.

Let me have your
attention for a minute.

Is there anyone here
who did not have some of
the turkey last night?

Well, folks,

looks like we were bitten
by the bird that fed us.

I'm afraid we're
in for a siege.

You mean Klinger poisoned us

with his
Thanksgiving surprise?

-Looks that way.
-Now I hope I live

just so I can kill Klinger.

This is the first time
I can recall

giving thanks for missing
Thanksgiving.

-Aren't the others back yet?
-No. I'm alone.

I feel like Snow White with
a house full of sick dwarfs.

Perhaps I could be of help.

You bet your bottom collar
you can.

-Pick a patient, any patient.
-Good.

Colonel, Colonel!
Good news--

-Assassin!
-What'd I do?

You poisoned us
with your turkey,
buzzard beak!

What's that
supposed to mean, sir?

It turned out your turkeys
gave everybody the trots.

My turkeys were
first-class birds.
Genuine army issue.

Sure. War surplus.

They came straight from
Sergeant Thomopoulous at
I-Corps Quartermaster.

And if anybody knows turkeys,
it's Thomopoulous.

This was one of
my biggest deals.

You had to go
to Thomopoulous,
didn't you?

I could've got us good turkeys
from a crook you could trust.

Colonel,
it couldn't have been

the turkey
that caused all this.

Really? Why?

We ate it, too.
Need I say more?

-Did you reach the doctors?
-Yes and no.

I missed Majors Houlihan
and Winchester at the 8063rd.

-They should be here
in an hour or so.
-That'll help.

But I contacted
Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt

at the Kansong
Battalion Aid.

Can they get their hands
on the antibiotics we need?

Yeah, but it'll be
three or four hours
till they get here.

Well, have to do.
Oh, uh, by the way, Klinger,

for Christmas
we eat out.

HAWKEYE: Will you slow down
to the speed of sound?

I can't hear myself scream.

B.J.: Klinger said
we had to hurry.

It's only 74 miles
as the jeep flies.

Might be more than that.
We're lost.

Lost? As in
"Where the hell are we?"

We're not totally lost.
We're still in Asia.

You said
this was a shortcut.

It is a shortcut!
Look how fast we got lost.

You nerd! Go back!

Back where?

Back where we weren't lost!

-Watch out!
-Hang on!

-Are you okay?
-Yeah. You?

I think so, yeah.
But remind me to

hang a sign
on your next car:

"Caution: Student Maniac."

Don't complain. I missed
that wreck, didn't I?

Yeah, but I think
you need a little practice
on parallel parking.

Don't be silly.
Give me a hand here,

and we'll get this thing
back on its feet.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing here?

No problem. I saw
some M.P.s do it once.

We just have
to get it rocking.

Push and rock back.
Push and rock back.

Push and rock back.
Push! Push!

-Oh, my God!

Well, what are you
waiting for? Get in.

-Very well.

There you are.

Feeling better, Rizzo?

-Hey, Father.
-Mm-hm?

Can I make a confession?

Certainly, Sergeant.

I murdered somebody...
tomorrow.

Come on.
I'm tryin' to help.

You want to help?
Die on your own.

Klinger,
how are the belladonna and
the paregoric holding up?

Getting pretty low, sir.

Colonel,
you better go lie down.

You're getting kind of blurry.

-Corpsman!
-Yes, sir?

Oh, right here, sir.

Here's a little poetic
justice for you, Father.

Just put him in this bunk
for a while.

Cover him up.
Check his temp and pulse.

-Can you do that?
-Just watch my smoke, Colonel.

Serves you right, you bum.

Hey, everybody,
Klinger's got it.

Well, Padre, looks like
it's down to just you and--

HAWKEYE:
Well, Kemo Sabe, now what?

Just keep your eyes
and ears peeled,

move along fast,
and keep low.

Good idea.

This is the most ridiculous
war I've ever seen.

-Don't shoot!

What's goin' on here, Beej?

What are you askin' me for?

I think he's surrendering.
Let's put our hands down.

Okay.
You go first.

Thanks. How about
if we just put one down?

Show some guts.
Put 'em both down.

And if he doesn't shoot you,
I'll put mine down.

If he does shoot you,
I'll put yours up again.

Let's put 'em down
together, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Great moment in
military history, Hawk.
We've all captured each other.

The question is,
what do we do with him?

I'm sorry. We're not
in the capturing department.

That's on the third floor
next to linens.

-Let's get out of here.

You just wait right here,

and I'm sure there's gonna
be a commando come along

any minute now who'd love
to take you home with him.

-Okay. Bye now.
-Bye. See ya.

-No! Don't! Don't do that!

-Very nice. Okay.
-Well, we'll see you later.

We've gotta just
move down the road.

-Watch it! Watch it!

-Ah, okay.
-Well, we'll see you
around, okay?

We're just gonna--

Hello, Colonel.

Majors,
thank goodness
you're back.

Pleasure to see someone
who isn't squatting,

doubled up or
lying down.

Colonel, what's wrong?
You look awful.

I'm glad you noticed.
I'd hate to feel this rotten

and have it be
my little secret.

-What's wrong, sir?
-Salmonella!

The whole camp's
down with it.

Klinger got
a Thanksgiving deal

on some low-mileage...
turkeys.

Colonel,
with all due respect,

any fool would know better

than to actually eat
gypsy poultry.

If there's one thing we don't
need around here, Winchester,

it's hindsight.
Now let's get to post-op.

Pierce and Hunnicutt
aren't back yet,

so Mulcahy's
been doing a solo.

He'll be glad
to hand over the reins.

You look like you can use
some rest, sir.

I'll be all right, Margaret.

Colonel, I insist.

You won't do any good if
you make yourself weaker.

Major Houlihan, don't get
your Irish up with me.

-We can handle it.
-And we shall, Colonel,

just as soon as we've
taken a little time to
freshen up a bit.

Uh, fine.
You do that, Winchester,

and I'll have room service
send you over a nice...

turkey sandwich.

So, uh,
you wanna move it now
or move it later?

Oh, moving now, sir. Yeah.

I'd love to give you
a hand, Father.

Is it safe for me
to come in there yet?

I'd say that's
one vote no, Klinger.

If you need me, Father,

I'll be under my bed.

Ah, the Marines
have landed!

Father, you look like
you're pretty busy.

Oh, indeed.

But, Majors,
I don't mind saying

this is an exhilarating
experience.

I've never felt
more useful or needed.

Excuse me.

Apparently the good father's
been most effective, Margaret.

What these, uh, people
appear to need now is
rest and attention.

In other words, nursing.

I'll just pop out
for a quick shower
and a short nap.

Let me know
if a doctor's needed.

Step one foot outside
that door, buster,

and you'll need a doctor!

There are bedpans
to be cleaned,

linen to be washed.

Someone'll have to
turn to in the kitchen.

You can start with the linen.

Start what with
the linen, Major?

Washing it!

Margaret, surely you...jest.

Okay, you can
start with the bedpans

and work your way up.

Absolutely not!

Absolutely and
unequivocally not!

Me wash and clean?
I'm a doctor, not a woman!

Hey, Ralph,
you still there?

-Ralph?

Kathy Harrison's
kid brother.

Whenever we wanted to go
for a walk or the movies,
whatever,

there was little Ralphie
tagging along.

Maybe if we give him
a quarter, he'll go home.

That reminds me, I still owe
that little bandit $300.25.

Pull over here.
I think I see
a parking place.

All right, now, Beej,
we're gonna sit now.

Try not to get lost
on the way down.

Hey,
don't worry about it.

I got us into this,
I'll get us out.

I got a better idea.

I'm gonna
try my road map.

This is this road
right here.

You know? These are us.

I'm the tall one.

-Ah!
-Hey!

I told you
he'd understand.

Okay, we want to go
from here...to there.

MASH 4077, see?

Ah.

I told you he'd know
just exactly where to go.

It's hopeless.
Let's just go.

Forget the map.
You know how tough
those things are to fold.

-Wha--?
-Huh?

Uh, Beej, quick.
Give him a quarter.

Ralph, was it
something we wrote?

-All right. Okay.

B.J.: Oh, boy.

I think we just got
bigger problems

than being lost.

-Funny. All of a sudden,

I understand him perfectly.

Remember, only your name,
rank and serial number.

And if they ask nicely,
MacArthur's home address.

-Shh!
-Shh.

Hi, guys. Nice day.

How about those Dodgers,
huh?

Beej, the way I see it,

they're talking
about shooting us.

Ah, then that explains
the guns.

My entire life
just flashed before my eyes,

and I don't like
the ending.

That guy talkin' to Ralph
looks mean.

You don't get that job
because of a winning smile.

Did what I think
just happened happen?

I think Ralph
just saved our necks.

Oh, Ralphie,
you sneaky devil.

When these arms
come down,

you're gonna get
a great big hug.

The Bowery Boys
are out of sight.

This is fantastic!

This is dangerous.
Let's get outta here.

♪ This is the way
we wash our sheets ♪

♪ Wash our sheets,
wash our sheets ♪

♪ So early
in the morning ♪

Must you?

Oh, I'm only
too happy to, Major.

There just nothing quite
like the feeling of being
needed, is there?

No.

This close to China,
and I am doing laundry.

Major, when I say
I want clean sheets,

I want them clean,
not battleship gray.

Major, I have slaved
over this cesspool

until my back aches
and my hands--

my hands are prunes!

Please, Major,
at a time like this,

the less said about prunes--

Obviously, Major,

I was not put upon this earth
to scrub bed linens.

I hereby abdicate
my tub and washboard.

That suits me fine,
Mr. I'm-a-doctor,
not-a-woman,

because there's
a stack of bedpans

outside of post-op
with your name on 'em!

Hah!
I'd sooner do the Lindy
with Eleanor Roosevelt.

-Well, a-one and a-two--
-Majors, please!

I'm up to my epaulets
in sick people,

and he whines about
doing a little laundry.

Just a moment.

I am trying to remember
that you are a woman,

and a fellow officer.

Don't patronize me,
skinhead!

You're not in charge here,
bimbo!

-Bimbo?

Hold it.
No offense, Majors,

but we just can't afford
to act like nincompoops.

There are sick people here,

and the three of us
are all we have.

You're absolutely right,
Father.

I'm sorry, Major.

-My apologies as well, Major.
-Thank you, Major.

You're welcome, Major.

What'll it be,
sheets or bedpans?

♪ Here's the way
we scrub our sheets ♪

♪ Scrub our sheets,
Scrub our sheets ♪

-Let's get this off quick.
-Ralph, give him a hand here.

-All right, he's clear.
Put it down.

Just our luck--
another foreigner.

-This place is loaded with 'em.
-New rule.

From now on,
no invading the country

if you don't speak
the language.

Nothing seems to be broken.

Just relax, farmer.

We'll have you back
in the dell in no time.

Allow me to
introduce ourselves.

That's Ralph. I'm Pierce.

This is Hunnicutt.

You probably know each other
from driving school.

I didn't get your name.

Yeah, well, that's a little
tough to remember.

How about if we just
call you Fred for short?

Let's see if we can
get him up and try it out.

All right, sir?

Put your weight
on this one, all right?

Okay, here we go.

-Up you go.

Okay, first thing is, Fred,
you're out of today's game.

Yeah, and the second thing
is we gotta get him home.

That can't be too far, can it?

How do we do that?

Simple. I figure,
uh, he'll be carried

by all those who got us
lost and walking.

Ah-ha.
My mother always told me

never to pick up strangers.

Ohh! Now I know why.

Winchester, you creep!

Do you see what
I just did to that tent?

Well, next it's gonna
happen to you!

You seem vexed.

Three seconds, Mister.

If you're not hard at it
in three seconds,

you're gonna drown
in rice gruel!

Uh, mistake, Margaret.
A mistake. I swear it.

I was making the bed with
those nice, clean sheets--

-One.
-I slipped.

I know from out there it must
have looked as though--

-Two!
-And I'm working.

I'm working.
Looking for sick people.

Anyone under there
need a doctor?

How dare you!

How dare you sleep while
this whole camp is in bed!

You sure he's not
wearing spurs?

-B.J.: Hi.

Must be Mrs. Fred.
Hi, honey. We're home.

His wagon broke
and he took the
4:15 Hunnicutt.

Easy. Easy. Here you go.
Here you go, Fred.

What is this?

I told you I'd
get us outta here.

Lost in the wilds of Korea,

I lead you straight to Honest
Fred's used motorcycle lot.

Vroom, vroom.

Now who are we gonna get
to drive this thing?

Pierce,
this is your lucky day.

You're looking at
"Spokes" Hunnicutt,

Mill Valley's finest
surviving motorcycle rider.

-Oh, yeah?
-We got no problem.
We got one problem.

Whoo! Whoo!

You wanna take
a slug of this

before you waste it
all in there?

Uh-huh.

Ah, Fred, you're
a very generous fellow.

-Here you go.
-Okay, thank you, Ralph.

-Thank you, Fred.

-What? What?

Of course
you can come along.

Would Bob Hope and Bing Crosby
leave without Dorothy Lamour?

We can't break up a set.
Climb aboard.

-Yahoo!
-Thank you.

Climb aboard, Ralph.
Plenty of room.

Just you, me,
and El Destructo.

You can teach me
the Korean word for-- Yaah!

-Slower!

Ah, Colonel.
Should you be up?

How's it going, Padre?

Oh, couldn't be better,
Colonel.

Couldn't be better.

Indomitable.
The man is indomitable.

Colonel, am I gonna have
to have a fight with you?

Oh, I hope not, Major.

Sir, you really
ought to be in bed.

Major, believe me,
I wouldn't be here

if I couldn't handle it.

Things have... stabilized.

Are you sure, sir?

-I wouldn't--
-I'm fine.

Now, uh,
any signs of septicemea

or any other
complications here?

No. Things seem to be
in hand at the moment.

Well, then maybe
you can take a break

while I watch over
the place for a bit.

If you insist, sir.
You can check Igor for me.

By the way, uh,
where's Winchester?

Well, he finished
his rounds,

and now he's supposed
to be putting clean sheets
on all the bunks.

I'd like to see that myself.

Now then, son, feeling
a little more fit, are ya?

-I've been better, sir.
-The best way to beat
this thing

is just...
put it out of your mind.

Get up on your feet
as soon as you can.

You must be feeling
a little better.

Except for my stomach, sir.

It's kind of like
being on the ocean.

Up... and down...

and up... and down.

Uh-huh.

And then it gets up
into my head,

and starts spinning

around and around,
you know?

Son, you don't have to--

About the only thing
I can do--

-Private.
-Sir?

Move over.

-Go away! The other way!

Look out!

You brainless twits!
Look what you've done
to my laundry!

-Your laundry?
-Get this filthy motorcycle
off my sheets!

-Who is that man?
What's he doing?

Shame on you, Charles.
You don't recognize

the international
signal for touchdown?

That man is a
North Korean soldier.

Right, Charles.
He came to pick up
his laundry.

Good thing it was ready,
or he'd have shot you.

-You're back!
-Did you bring
the antibiotics?

-Margaret, did you miss me?
-It's about time you two
showed up.

What'd you do,
stop off at the beach?

-Who's this?

-Ralph.
-We've been going crazy here!

I don't know what
all the fuss is about.

I thought it was
a piece of cake.

Don't say cake.

Well, you know us.
Neither rain nor sleet

nor snow nor broken jeep.

Nor kidnap nor surrender
nor dark of lost--

The jabbering lamp
is out, boys.

Get over to post-op
post haste.

You better come too, Charles.
We'll need your expertise.

Some of the patients
might need fluffing
and folding.

Well, come on, Ralph.

We've come this far together.
Don't be a stranger.

Besides, there's a whole
ward full of people

you haven't
surrendered to yet.

Sparky? Klinger.

Klinger!

Listen. I know.

Hook me through
to H.Q. Supply, will you?

And hurry!

Sparky, come on, pal!

Attaboy. H.Q. Supply?

Sergeant Thomopoulous,
please.

Thomopoulous? Klinger.

You know that turkey
you sold me?

Stuff it!