Original subtitles

Damn! I know that man has money hidden here somewhere.

Well, I can't find any...

...and I have searched my eyes to the bone.

Well, I know it's here somewhere.

Bud, you were downstairs for two hours. Didn't you find anything?

Absolutely nothing.

I brought these down with me.

Now, I know he has hidden money.

I got a sign from above.

This morning, the bacon strips on my Grand Slam breakfast...

...were in the shape of dollar signs.

You had a Grand Slam breakfast?

Oh, well, didn't I take you two with me?

Oh, I know, I just ordered things I knew you'd like.

Did I have the sausage?

A double order.

Okay, kids, let's go back to work.

I know he has money here somewhere.

Now, who wants to check his underwear drawer?

All right, I'll check his underwear.

After all, he has only one pair.

Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Appropriate for you, Bud.

And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Appropriate for you, Kel.

All right.

Whoa, money!

Hi, Dad.

Save the effort for the bathroom, Dad.

I saw the money.

Pretty crafty, hiding it in the one place even Mom has always feared to tread.

It's not what you think.

You're not gonna go somewhere without us?

Well, then it is what you think.

But, son, I'm going to a shoe convention.

I thought after your failed beer-induced "shoe d'état" back in '87...

...you were barred from the conventions for life.

I was, but Jim Thompson wasn't.

And that's my new name.

- Dad-- - Call me Jim.

Jim.

Surely even a dull man has asked himself:

"Why would anyone go to a shoe convention?"

Stay on the cutting edge of the shoe business, son.

To exchange shoe information.

To find out new shoe technology.

To bounce shoe groupies on my knee.

And more importantly...

...and this you must never tell your mother...

...this year, it's in L.A.

L.A.? Home of Hollywood, sunshine and huge man-made hooters?

And let's not forget their world-famous shoe stores.

Oh, and what about the city's culture?

I've been saving up all my money. Oh, look what I already bought.

I'm gonna put it on the front of the old Dodge to trick the chicks.

Now, son, remember, you must not utter a word...

...to any member of the family.

I swear, Dad. When do we leave?

"We," son? I seek fun. I go alone.

Now remember, son, you're the man of the house now.

And remember, silence for the brotherhood of men.

Mom! Dad's got his money and he plans to spend it without us!

I knew it! I knew it!

- The bacon never lies. - Yes, he's going to L.A.

L.A. We're going to Long Island?

No, honey, it's Los Angeles we're going to.

No, you're not! I'm going alone.

- Well, can we drop in on Hef? - No!

- Can we go to Garfield's house? - No!

Oh, Al, can I buy a bra at Fredericks of Hollywood?

Hell, no!

Now, hear me, all of you.

I'm going alone.

You can scream, you can cry-- Peg, you can threaten me with sex.

You're not going.

I, Jim Thompson, have spoken.

Beautiful country, isn't it?

It smells in this car.

That's America you're smelling, kids. Just look at its majesty.

Daddy, are we there yet?

Don't bother your father while he's driving, Kelly.

Are we, Al? Al, wake up.

Oh, come on!

Where are we?

Kill 'em in the air, hey, Zeke?

I thought you was Zeke.

Maybe I am.

Go on inside and sauté us up a varmint.

Hey, look! There's something you don't see every day.

People.

- Are we alive? - What do I know?

Last thing I knew we were on Route 666...

...and now we got a broken axle in our car.

Nice driving, pumpkin.

It was not my fault.

I saw a sign that said "Dip" so naturally I looked at Bud...

...the next thing I knew, we were airborne.

Look, Al...

...seems like we happened upon a shoe salesman convention after all.

All right, all right, let me handle this.

Excuse me, six-tooth...

...you know where I can get a car fixed?

Gas station, I reckon.

Is there one around here?

Oh, yeah. You just can't see it for the hurly-burly of the traffic...

...but it's right across the street.

Peg, why don't you do the talking?

They speak your language. They're like your relatives.

Look, gentlemen, there is a cool 25 cents in it for you...

...if you can haul our car to a station.

Well, normally it would be $400.

But we'll do it for 200...

...if you let us take our picture with you, leopard woman.

Oh, Al. The rubes think I'm sexy.

Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.

How much money we got?

- Cash or in the bank? - Either.

- Including the traveler's checks? - Yes.

Five dollars.

Five dollars? Where did the rest of my money go?

Well, I guess one of us shouldn't have stopped at Oklahoma Nude.

Well, pardon me for seeing America.

I guess the only thing left to do...

...is to wire Marcie and tell her we need money.

She may not take kindly to that...

...since we borrowed her tires late last night while she was sleeping.

Just tell her the kids are sick and are near death. Come on.

Daddy, we are dying of thirst. Buy some pop.

Look at this. A nickel.

How do these rubes make any money?

I don't see any bottle opener.

You will, when we see $5.

Five dollars for a bottle opener?

- You people are crooks. - Yep.

But we ain't thirsty.

Well, here you go.

Yeah, kids, this was a good idea. God, it's hot.

Oh, that's good.

Well, Marcie's money ought to be here any minute now.

Oh, let me get these shoes off.

Thank you.

Have you considered our proposal?

I couldn't possibly marry you all.

We didn't say "marry."

You wouldn't survive one night.

I guess not.

Hey, nice catch there, young Zeke.

Yep, but he killed his better with his feet.

Well...

...what do you do around here for fun, ZZ Tops?

All right, Kelly. All right, hold it, hold it there.

All right, partners, you wanna see more, put another nickel in.

Can we have the little boy stand on his head some more?

I can't get enough of that.

Well, the boy's a little dizzy...

...so I'm gonna have to up the price to a dime.

Well...

Bud, go ahead.

That was only worth a nickel.

But you have the girl there shake her behind again...

...and we'll call it even.

Daddy, I have heat probation.

When is Marcie gonna wire us the money? It's been seven hours.

- Howdy, Zeke. - Hi.

Well, just made the last trip I'm ever gonna take to that mine.

Got plenty of money.

All I needs now is a car to get me to the big city.

Hey, $6 million enough for a good city woman?

Barely.

Oh, got a rock in my shoe.

Damn nuggets are everywhere.

- Hey, that looks like real gold. - Hold it now!

Anybody here wanna take this here mine off my hands?

How about you, young Zeke?

Not me.

Accountant says I got to curtail my spending this quarter.

How about you, Zeke?

Not me. Bad back.

Can't bend over and pick up gold anymore.

That's why I got this here bottle opener.

Besides, I ain't got a car to trade you.

- Daddy, we have a car. - Don't look too anxious.

Dad, Dad, what if it's a scam?

Only one way to find out.

Gold!

Listen, mister, all I got is the car, the kids and the wife on my back.

Please, what do you say? You wanna sell?

Well, I don't know. You look like a nice fella.

Gold would just ruin your life.

And you've already got it all:

A wife, kids...

You must have more than this.

Besides, you don't know what gold does to a man's soul.

It turns families into mobs. It brings hatred and violence.

Turns brother agin sister. Husband agin wife.

So it'd be just like my life now...

...except I'd have gold in both fists and I'd be saying, "Yippee, yippee."

Well, all right.

Like my Daddy used to say, "You can lead a horse to water...

- ...but you know he'll make a mess." - What does that mean?

It means a horse is a horse, of course, of course...

...but no one should drink with a horse, of course.

Well, a couple of years in them mountains...

...you'll be laughing your tochis off at that one.

Kelly, give the nice man Daddy's car keys.

It's the Dodge parked out back with "Producer" on the license plate...

...and an odometer that reads seven million miles.

A Dodge is a damn fine car.

Ran over my wife with a Dodge.

Well, I could always buy a new Dodge for that.

- Come on, kids, let's pick some gold. - No, wait! Wait!

Wait, son. You need mules...

...and picks and guns for bandits.

And a horse, of course, of course.

You don't see the humor, son?

Well, you're gonna need supplies, and it's gonna take money.

It's Marcie, getting out of her cab.

Kids, cripple up. Al, die.

Peggy, we came as fast as we could. Are the children all right?

Gee, I thought you were gonna wire the money.

We decided we should come in case you needed help.

- You did bring the money, didn't you? - Well, yes, yes, it's right here.

Oh, my God! Poor Al.

- Look, he's decomposing already-- - Give me that.

He's alive. It's a miracle!

No, no. A miracle would be like finding a rock shaped like Ricky Schroeder.

You mean to tell me your kids aren't even hurt?

Well, growing up like this, you can't exactly say we're healthy.

Go play with the Zekes, kids.

How dare you call us and tell us Al was killed.

The whole neighborhood was dancing and singing:

"Ding-Dong! The Shoe Man's Dead."

It's a cruel hoax, Peggy.

Why would you do such a thing? Why? Why?

For gold.

Look, Marcie, a gold nugget.

Oh, don't tell me you fools have gold fever.

It's the 1990s, for God's sake.

What kind of idiot still gets gold fever in this day and age?

It's real gold.

I love it. I kiss it. I worship it.

And if it'll do me the honor, I'll marry it.

Oh, gold, thou art my master.

Command me!

Well, I guess it's real all right. Where did you get this?

From the man with the flies.

Yeah, yeah, and I got it off him.

You see, we bought the mine...

...but we don't have enough money for supplies.

Let me take care of that.

I don't know, old timer.

You know...

...this nugget just doesn't look like it's worth that much.

It's really worth a whole lot.

So how many more are there up there like this?

Well, there's enough to keep you and your little fella here...

...in baseball cards for the rest of his life.

Get your lice-ridden hands off me, Festus.

I am his wife.

Well, if I'm gonna go to the big city I guess I'd better get liberal.

So how much you asking for your prospecting equipment?

Well, $200 and the little lady's bracelet.

Oh, it's my mother's bracelet. It's impossible--

Done. Done.

All right.

- We're rich. - You're half-rich.

We got the map, you got the supplies.

That means we're partners, eh?

Partners?

- Partners. - Partners.

Well, it looks like the Bundys and the D'Arcys...

...are off to them there hills to search for gold.

Will Al strike it rich and finally be able to afford his own bathroom...

...with toilet paper as soft as a mother's kiss?

Will Peggy strike it rich and be able to get her own platinum credit card...

...carried in the loincloth of a Nubian god?

Will Jefferson dump Marcie and elope with his nugget?

Will Marcie ever be able to detach young Zeke's hound dog from her leg?

Will Kelly trade all her gold nuggets for a shiny new nickel?

Will Bud steal her nickel?

Will anyone find out Buck had all his friends over...

...while he had the house to himself and partied till he puked?

We'll find out next week on Married With Children.