All language subtitles for Married With Children S05E18 Oldies But Young Uns MULTi 1080p AMZN WEB-DL H264-Mixio_track4_[eng]

The ever-lilting fragrance
of "Eau de Bring 'Em All On."

It must be Friday, Kel,
because if it was Saturday...

...it would be
"Essence de Free Clinique."

Gee, Bud, it's date night.

Shouldn't you be upstairs practicing
your French kissing...

...on your stuffed Ninja Turtle doll?

Saying, "Oh, Donatello,
your shell is so soft."

Aren't we testy?

Could it be that your date
isn't the only thing that's late?

He'll be here.

I've had guys crawling
on their bellies...

...out of flaming auto wrecks
to go out with me.

Kelly, you might as well hear it
from someone who loves you.

You're hagged out.

Finished. Over.

But keep your chins up, Kel.

Plenty of guys will still call you.

They'll just call you, "Hey, waitress."
"Hey, you with the broom."

"Hey, thief."

Save it, zit-tack-toe.

Your words fall off me like
water off a duck's quack.

There is nothing wrong
with a guy being a little late.

It doesn't mean anything.

Kelly, you're home.

Oh, my God!
You've been stood up.

Oh, my poor baby.

I'll tell you what.
We'll get some Ovaltine...

...watch the Home Shopping Network
and I'll order you a Clapper.

Hi, Al.

Honey, Kelly's been stood up.

Must bring back memories for you,
huh, Peg?

Anyway, I was driving home--

God knows why.

and I hear this song
on that I used to love...

...but can't remember the name.

Why is it when a song
comes on the radio...

...and you're waiting to hear the name,
it's always number six of 40 in a row?

Well, stick with it, honey.

You figured out how to flush the toilet,
you'll figure this one out.

This is a burning question
of our time.

I will not have it trivialized by a woman
who thinks Hunter is engrossing.

Anyhow, the DJ finally comes on.

Instead of telling me the name,
what does he do?

Goes on and on about some
massive pileup on the freeway:

"Twelve dead, twelve dead."

Then he kicks off
about 500 in a row...

...with Bobby Goldsboro's musical
sphincter-lock known as "Honey."

Oh, God, this is what it's like
being home on a Friday night?

Bud, Bud, come here.

Now, listen to this very carefully
and tell me the name of the song.

I don't know what it is,
but if you get the name...

...me and the gang
would sure like to boogie to it.

Get out of my way.

Peg, you're old. You know it.

Clip your nose hairs, Al.

When you were humming, it looked
like a squid was trying to grab the kids.

Gee, none of my family
was any help to me.

How unusual.

Al, must we be the spit bucket...

...in the early-round knockout
that is your life?

As usual,
you need professional help.

So why don't you just call the
oldies station, KFossil...

...and ask the DJ?

I already called.
I got Rick Cool himself.

Gee, Rick Cool, huh?

Did Bobby "23" Skidoo quit?

Al, the suspense is boring us.
Tell us what he said.

He said, "The colors, the colors.

Has anybody seen
my good friend John?"

And he lit up a banana,
then he hung up.

Damn! Right on the tip of my tongue.

Well, then it doesn't have
long to live.

I must have that song.

Maybe it's on the B-side
of a record I have.

Peg, where's my record collection
that I spent my entire youth building?

They were cluttering up your closet...

...so I moved them downstairs
next to the furnace.

Good thinking.

Because nothing brings out
the luster of original records...

...better than intense, searing heat.

Lousy, redheaded,
life-sucking mosquito.

If that's my date,
tell him I am not home.

Why don't you tell him?

Good idea.

I am not home.

Then is it okay if I wait?

Mom, if my mixed-up-at-the-hospital
theory is correct...

...I'd say we just found
Kelly's natural brother.

So just where were you while I was
wasting my life away with my family?

Well, I wanted
to get you something nice.

Garfield Spoils the Picnic.

That crazy cat gets into everything...

...from the potato salad
to the sack races.

No boy's ever
brought me literature before.

Well, my family believes,
"Say it with words."

I just have to get my bag.

Oh, by the way, this is my mom...

...and the troll
that lives under our house.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

And excuse me, sir,
I was just wondering...

...doesn't it get lonely
under the house?

Not when you have a bell and a hat.

Hi, I'm Peggy.
And I know what you're thinking.

How could a woman
barely out of high school herself...

...possibly be the mother
to a teenage daughter?

Actually, I was wondering
if we had trolls under my building.

I mean, sometimes I hear noises.

My dad says it's the pipes,
but now I wonder.

Look. I am not a troll!
I'm a boy, you idiot!

Well, I just "poured" through
my record collection, literally.

Hi, Mr. Bundy.

Vinnie. Vinnie Verducci.
Charlie's boy.

Peg, you remember Charlie?
Charlie, you met him at our wedding.

Oh, yes. A lovely man.

When you see him, ask if he's done
with my mother's cigarette lighter.

In defense of your father,
she was bending over.

He might have thought that someone
had left it in the folds of a couch.

Bud, you ought to start
hanging around this guy.

The girls can't
keep their hands off him.

- What brings you here?
- He's taking Kelly out.

Touch her and I'll hang you
with your own colon.

Hey, Kel, come here.

Five bucks says
this guy won't even touch you.

You're on.

No guy has ever gone out with me
and not touched me.

Vinnie, I'm ready.

Well, honey, we're finally alone.

I know what would take your mind
off that record for a minute.

You can make love to me four times.

Peg, when I said I was after an oldie,
I meant, but a goody.

There must be someone around here
old enough to know that song.

- Hi, Peggy.
- Hi.

Jefferson and I were thinking
of going to the movie.

Well, I don't think
we can go with you.

Well, we didn't want you
to come with us.

But we need to know what's playing
and Al stole our paper again.

How did you know it's me?

We found one of your straws
in our Sparkletts bottle.

Listen, while you're here,
let me let me ask you a question.

See if you can name this song.

You know, when he hums,
the hair in his ears moves in and out...

...like a child's party favor.

Oh, yeah, and the and the nose hairs
sort of spread like a geisha-girl fan.

That's right.
Keep dancing on the minefield.

Now, concentrate.

- "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
- No.

- "Go Tell Pharaoh."
- No! Come on.

This is a song from my youth.

"Look, It's a Wheel"?

Peg, honey, before
we're all knee-deep in your blood...

...why don't you go by the radio
and listen to see if they play my song?

You are just determined to win that
Nobel Putz Prize this year, aren't you?

Listen, I have the perfect plan
to figure this whole thing out.

Now, what we'll do is
we'll just sit here...

...and we'll name every song
ever made until we get it.

Now, I'll start. "Mandy."

- "Dem bones, dem bones, dem--"
- Oh, shut up.

I told you never to play
with this man.

Now, give it up, Al.
I'm sure there is no such song.

It's probably a shoe hallucination.

I mean,
your face is in feet all day long.

Something's gotta give.

Why not something fragile
like your mind?

It is a song. Rick Cool played it.

I heard it
and I will find it or die trying.

Peg, have they played the song yet?

Our next call on "Why Me?"...

...comes once again from Peggy B.,
calling from the Bundy household.

You're on, Peggy.
What's Al done this time?

Well, he heard a song
and he can't remember the name of it.

So he's holding me
and the neighbors hostage.

Help us! Help us!
He's mad, I tell you. Mad!

Mad, am I?

I'm not doing anything
any rational man wouldn't do.

Now, you get that
oldies station back on...

...or the walls will be your tombs!
All of you!

Oh, come on, Al.

The chances of them playing that song
are a million to one. It just--

"Go With Him"! "Go With Him"!

"Go With Him"! "Go With Him"!
That must be the name of my song.

Groovy song, wasn't it?

A lot of people think the name
of that song is "Go With Him"...

...but it's not.

What is it? What is it?

Well, here's our third song
of 5000 in a row.

We're going for the world's record.
Two full years of uninterrupted music.

This is Rick Cool, the fifth Monkee...

...heading home to his depressing
apartment on the poor side of town.

He's Rick Cool
For the middle-aged

Hey, look, Garfield got his whiskers
full of mayonnaise.

Here come the ants.

Oh, enough. I want to talk to you.

Look, the ants are carrying off
the "lasagney."

Oh, grab her.
You've got worse beatings for less.

What are you looking at me for?

If I wasn't so tiny,
I'd be wild-thinging her myself.

You really think so?

- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

I hate my life.

Can't eat. Can't sleep.
Can't bury the wife in the backyard.

I'm beside myself with depression.

Did you ever have anything
you were so close to...

...it was on the tip of your tongue,
but you just couldn't quite get it?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Al, honey, if you're gonna bring
the Preparation H to bed...

...could you at least remember
to put the top back on?

I mean, God...

...it just takes me forever to scrub it
out of the sheets with your toothbrush.

I got bigger things
on my mind now, Peg.

That song is haunting me.

You know, Mr. Bundy,
if you're really looking for a record...

...my father knows
every oldie ever made.

Oh, no, Al. Please.

If my feelings
mean anything to you...

...you will not invite that man
to my home.

Go with him

Mighty familiar, Al.
You came to the right guy.

- Do you know the song?
- No.

But I do know the complete theme
to The Patty Duke Show.

And why not?
They're both Patty Duke.

Charlie, you're still the same clown
prince of unemployment you were...

...when those shoes
and shirt were in style.

It's that cigarette lighter that I found
in a couch at your wedding, right?

Let me explain about that.

To you, that lighter was just a sterling
silver antique cigarette lighter...

...with your mother's initials on it,
in pure gold with one diamond.

But to me,
it was a keepsake of the memory...

...of the most beautiful bride
I'd ever seen.

A memory that remained with me
long after I hocked the lighter.

And if I may say so, Peggy...

...that beauty has not faded one bit.

Really, Charlie?

That's so sweet.

Hey, it's right from the heart.

I mean, when I look in your face...

...the only words that come
to my mind are...

Final Vinyl.

That's the store you have to go
to get that record, Al. Final Vinyl.

Peg, didn't I tell you
that this man was great?

By the way, Charlie,
how about that 20 bucks you owe me?

You know, it's only been 10 years.

I must take my leave now.

Come, Vincent.

Goodbye to you, Al,
and to your two lovely daughters.

- Charlie?
- Yes, enchantress?

My watch.

I was gonna get it engraved for you.

Till we meet again.

- Did you get anything?
- No.

Too bad. They got some nice stuff.

"Green Door" by Jim Lowe.

"Wolverton Mountain," Claude King,
aisle three.

"Any Day Now," Chuck Jackson,
aisle four.

Peg, this guy's a genius.
We're home.

Never heard of it. Next.

What a surprise.

Thank you.

Not even this, huh?

What is it?

Is Oprah right?

Are you a big fat woman?

All I wanted was a 45.
A stinking 45.

The record or the gun.

I'll even settle
for the damn malt liquor.

Just this once, can you show that
you can love even Al Bundy?

That's it. That's my song.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll be back for only one more request.
It involves a thunder bolt and:

That's my song.
That's my song.

That's "Anna." "Anna" on the jukebox.
I want it. How much is it?

Since you're a good customer,
and obviously a ranting, raving loon...

...you can have it for $60.

Sixty dollars? For a record?

Look, you must look at my husband
and mistake crazy for stupid.

He is not paying you
$60 for a record.

And if he does, I will kiss your--

Peg, this is the best $60 I ever spent.

Except for the day before
the day I met you...

...this is the happiest day of my life.

Peg, I'm going to play this record over
and over again until my ears bleed.

Honey, where's my record player?

With all your stuff.
In a box in the corner of the basement.

Honey, come with me while I get it.

I want you to share my joy.

After you, my love.

Well, at least you're acting
like a gentleman.

I'm just not sure why.

Thank you, honey.

I couldn't remember
which step was loose.

Well, another great night.

Look, you have to tell me right now.

Why do you keep asking your
shoulders if you should go for it?

I mean, are they magic shoulders?

If shoulders are talking about me,
I have a right to know.

No, there's nothing on my shoulder.

Some say not even my head.

But I digest. Nothing.

'Tis just as the poet said,
"'Twas the wind."

No. "'Twas the Raven."

No. Actually, "'Twas a quoth."

Oh, enough.

If I wanted intelligent conversation,
I'd still be dating my teachers.

Now, kiss me or I will kill you.

- Now, that didn't hurt, did it?
- No.

Actually, it ranks right up there
with finding money in the street.

Well, then what took you so long?

Well, actually,
I was afraid of your father.

But as we all learned from that moving
Jimmy Piersall story...

...you've nothing to fear
but fear strikes out.

Churchill, I believe.

And besides, your father likes me.

I think we're gonna be great friends.