All language subtitles for Married With Children S05E11 And Baby Makes Money MULTi 1080p AMZN WEB-DL H264-Mixio_track4_[eng]

There.

Why do we have to go through the
family album and X out the dead guy?

Well, Dad says it helps
at Christmas time.

Never send a present to someone
who won't send one back.

Then we should X out Mom and Dad.

Soon enough, Kel. Soon enough.

Well, I guess it's buenas nachos
to Uncle Stymie.

Yep, Uncle Stymie was the only Bundy
to have died of natural causes.

And to be named after a Little Rascal.

I can't believe this guy
is actually rich.

- Was he a real Bundy?
- Well, Dad explained it to me.

He was the only male Bundy
never to marry.

I just hope Dad's
not too broken up over this.

I mean, Uncle Stymie
was his favorite.

Oh, God, why did it have to be him?
Why did it have to be him?

Was that convincing, Peg?

I wasn't pushing it too much, was I?

I mean, I don't want to seem greedy
at the will reading.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't have
asked for dibs on his gold fillings.

What do you think, Peg?
Hankie, no hankie?

Better no hankie.

It's still crusty from that flu
that hit the family in '84.

What do you think your uncle
was worth?

Bud, how can you put a worth
on the life of a man...

...like Uncle Buckwheat?

- "Stymie," Al.
- What's the difference?

Neither one of them were germane
to the plots.

The point is, he saved all his money...

...and now I'm gonna get it.
Let's go, Peg.

Hey, wait a minute.
You two aren't going.

Why? We loved Uncle Spanky
just as much as the next man.

You don't even know his name.

Look, what Daddy means
is that the sadness...

...would just be too much
for you kids.

They're not coming back.

They're taking the money and leaving.
I know it.

Now, kids, do you really think
we could enjoy this money...

...without sharing it with you?

We're going to this funeral.

All right. But before you do,
I think we should all have...

...a moment of silence
for our dear Uncle...

...Gang.

Amen.

We've been had!

"And so the legacy
I, Stymie C. Bundy, leave you...

...the last surviving male Bundys,
is proof that a male Bundy...

...can achieve greatness.

Did I mention that I never married?

Well, regardless, I'm sure you men
have all become successful...

...in your own ways.

Iggy Bundy.

I'm sure you became the astronaut
you dreamed of.

Lester Bundy. I'm sure
you achieved your dream...

...of becoming a brain surgeon.

Eugene Bundy.

I wonder if you achieved your goal
of becoming bank president.

I did.

And last, and most certainly least,
Al Bundy.

Al, get your hands out of your pants.

You never really had a dream,
but I only hope you had the sense...

...to dump that wild redhead
who stole my wallet.

In conclusion, rather than dividing
my estate between all you vultures...

...I've decided to make
one Bundy really happy.

If it's you, Al, I really love you.

If it's me, I don't even know you.

Therefore, it is my final wish...

...that the first couple to give birth
to a Bundy male...

...named after me...

...and born in wedlock...

...will receive my entire estate.

That sum being $500,000."

This may be a stupid question...

...but why would you hide
your birth-control pills?

- Safety precaution.
- Oh, Kelly.

No, Al.

He got ahold of them once.

He thought they were food
I was hiding in my purse.

So he ate them
while watching a ball game.

He actually kind of liked it because
he didn't have to shave for a month.

I don't get it...

...why take birth control
when you could get 500,000 bucks...

...for a Bundy baby boy?

Plus what the zoo
would pay you for it.

You know, I wouldn't have another baby
if gold dust dripped out of its nose.

I mean, sure, the money would be nice.
But all that trouble.

The screaming and the crying...

...and changing those diapers
three or four times a week.

Well, at least that left
your weekends free.

You'd think.

But you go away for the weekend,
and when you come home...

...they are never
where you left them.

And then, of course,
there's that 10 months of pregnancy.

Ten?

Male Bundys never wanna come out.

Oh, and then once they're out,
they never wanna go back in again.

But, you know, for once,
Al is excited about sex.

And I am not gonna dampen
his enthusiasm with little details.

So let me get this straight.

You're turning down half a mil
to have sex with Al for free?

Personally, I would rather drive
back and forth over a speed bump.

But I guess that's just me.

And every other woman
in the world.

By the way, where is the stallion?

Oh, he's out buying Playboy,
Penthouse, Biker Babes.

You know, a little gas for the engine.

How disgusting that a man
should need outside stimulation.

It's so insulting to a woman.

Who do you think of
when you're with Al?

James Bond.

All of them.

- How about you?
- Oh, I like to keep my fantasies simple.

It starts with me in a really tight
short dress at the end of a bar.

At the other end,
they're greasing up Mike Tyson.

He's shadowboxing
and starting to sweat.

Then the scene changes.

It's now Madison Square Garden.

A smoky crowd
throbs with anticipation.

"Go, Marcie!" they buzz.

Tyson turns into George Foreman,
who eyes me like a basket of muffins.

The bell rings.
I try to fight, but I'm powerless.

Then our eyes meet.

He gives me the old one-two.
The crowd is on its feet, cheering.

I'm down. The count starts.

The crowd's screaming, "Get up!"
But I can't.

I won't!

Take me, Mandingo!

And then sometimes
I get a little kinky.

Peg, tonight your name is Guinevere
and you were born in--

Now look what you've done.
You might have cost me $500,000.

What are you doing here?

Collecting smells for the poor.

You have so much.
Couldn't you please spare some...

...for those poor unfortunates
who have no odor to call their own?

Peg, this is not helping Lancelot.

Marcie, I'll call you when we're done.
So you better run home...

...and get by the phone.
It will be ringing in about a minute.

Let's go, baby.

Well, what's wrong, honey?

Marcie looked at me.

I might be shot for the night.

I need some...

I need some incentive.

Incentive. Incentive.

Okay.

We're in a boxing ring.

You're George Foreman and I'm--

Oh, no, no, no, that's my incentive.
Okay.

You want me to run upstairs
and put on a garter belt?

- How about my short pink teddy?
- You're not helping me, Peg.

I need some real incentive.

Okay. Okay, honey. I got it.
Now, just picture this.

You're sitting on the couch
in front of a big-screen TV.

- Forty-inch?
- I wish.

What?

I mean, yeah.

So there you are
in front of this big-screen TV...

...and on top of it
is this nice shiny VHS.

Just look how clear that picture is.

Slow down, baby. Slow down.

And every machine in this house...

...is wired to one
remote-control unit.

And that remote control is yours,
big boy.

Let's go, Peg.

We got things to do,
eyes to blindfold and babies to make.

You know, it may not work
the first time, honey.

I don't care. If it takes a million tries
and a million tears...

...that young'un shall be yours.

And that money shall be mine.

Come on, babe...

...let's go die a little.

"To test for pregnancy,
mix sample A with reagent B."

What's reagent B?

Hi, Daddy. What you doing?

Nothing you need
to know about, honey.

Oh, a home-pregnancy test.

Let me show you.

Now, you just fill the dropper
to the line...

...and then shake the mix
with the anti-HCG conjugate...

...put it back into the stand...

...add the litmus key, and if
the test area, not the control area...

...turns blue, then you have
a positive reading.

I saw the Professor do it
on Gilligan's Island.

Oh, well, that's okay.

Now, it's clear.
What does that mean?

Well, it means
that you can still take PE.

Al. Honey, my temperature's up.

I can't believe it. Two weeks,
and she's not pregnant yet.

It's like having two menial jobs.

- Having fun, Dad?
- Go on with you.

Any Bundys get pregnant yet?

- Nope.
- Good, I still got a shot.

I just can't believe the babes
haven't been calling, though.

I mean, I'm offering me
and a half-million.

I'll even marry the broad.
What more could a girl want?

A spine-crushing accident?

A bald spot.

A weekend in Des Moines
with Orville Redenbacher...

...and his really cool grandson?

I know you're just kidding.

Because I'm cool.

I am. I know I am.

I took the quiz in Boys' Life.

Come on, Peg!
Tell me what I wanna hear, baby!

Five hundred thousand dollars,
baby!

Half a mil!

What if they do have another baby?
It'll be so confusing.

I mean, what would that be to me?

A tutor?

Well, I hope they don't do it.

I remember before you hatched
I used to get some attention.

I like to think that
if you were never born...

...that I would've been the one
who was able to read.

There, that should have done it.

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing?

I'm...

...taking fertility pills.

There. All fertile. Where's Daddy?

Oh, he's out back
getting some exercise.

Al. Honey, my temperature
is higher than it's ever been.

Daddy said he can't do it anymore,
you're killing him.

Oh, come on, Al, just one more time.
You'll never have to do it again.

Daddy says that he can
"snordly heath."

"Hardly breathe."

Al, it's half a million dollars.

You could get cable
with that kind of money.

He says, "Let's boogie."

Do you want your Gatorade, Daddy?
Okay.

Brace me.

God, he's light as a feather.

Hello, I'm looking for Mr. Al Bundy.

I was Al Bundy.

I'm personally letting the heirs know
that the race is over.

Thank God. Who won?

- I did.
- You're not a Bundy.

I am now. Right after the will reading,
I married Eugene.

Come, Eugene.

This is the product of our greed,
Stymie Jr.

I got Eugene a kind of
work-release program...

...and work he did.

Honey, I'll be out in six years.

You'll hold the money for us,
won't you?

Of course, darling.

Now, just don't get shot
trying to escape or something.

Then what would I do?

So long, Uncle Eugene.

Well, there's another fruitcake
we won't have to send at Christmas.

Well, at least it's over.
But I don't get it.

A thousand times, and nothing.

I barely touched her
and I had you two.

Well, at least my appetite came back.

Al, it's planting time.

I'd like to plant a shovel
right between her barren eyes.

But first, some food. Then I'll be able
to watch TV sitting up again.

Hey, I remember these.

Tasty, crunchy, good for snacking
right out of the box.

Daddy, don't eat those.
Those are birth-control pills.

No, they're not. They're fertility pills.
Mom's been taking them.

Al, I'm waiting.

Leave me.

- Dad--
- Leave me.

Be right there, honey.

I just wanna check
your last test first.

Gee, I hope it's positive.

Oh, I have a good feeling
about this one.

Oh, for joy! For joy!

We are blessed!

We're what?

We're what?

We did it, babe!

Well, that's impossible.
That can't be.

I mean, not that I'm not
really happy.

Oh, God.

There, there, my little baby oven.

Don't you ever touch me again.

Diapers and doodie.

"Feed me, wash me.

Unlock my door."

Oh, my life is truly over.

- Well, at least there's the money.
- Oh, honey, I forgot to tell you.

I found out today
that someone beat us to it.

But, honey, why should we worry?
We have a love child on the way.

Wouldn't it be great if we got twins?

I feel fat!

Oh, honey, that means
just more of you to love.

Like 100 pounds.

Gee, I hope you don't get
morning sickness again.

You know, isn't it, like,
every day around this time?

- I don't feel so good.
- Oh, it's gonna be lots of fun.

And you'll be beautiful.
What with that glow...

...and the varicose veins
and your nose swelling up...

...like a Christmas wino.

But, honey, as I recall, pregnancy
was the happiest time of your life.

Well, that and the three years
it took you to lose the weight.

Al, you are a pig!

Yeah, but it won't be me squealing
those 40 hours during labor.

What--? What's the matter, honey?
You look kind of pale.

How about some nice clams
and peas?

Tomorrow I'll shrink all her clothes.

Oh, mother of God!

You can't buy that for half a mil.