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1
00:01:14,838 --> 00:01:16,540
Yeah, well, I'm not going.
2
00:01:16,706 --> 00:01:20,277
Me neither. Daddy doesn't
like me driving his car.
3
00:01:20,444 --> 00:01:22,646
Well, I'm not going.
4
00:01:22,813 --> 00:01:25,715
He's your husband.
You should pick him up.
5
00:01:25,882 --> 00:01:27,684
Kids, we have been
arguing like this...
6
00:01:27,851 --> 00:01:31,988
...since your father called and said
he had a bad fall and hurt his head.
7
00:01:33,123 --> 00:01:36,193
Now one of us has gotta go get him.
8
00:01:38,825 --> 00:01:41,327
Any volunteers?
9
00:01:43,592 --> 00:01:47,229
Well, I can wait as long as you can.
10
00:01:57,894 --> 00:02:02,199
Hi, honey. We were just deciding
who was gonna go and pick you up.
11
00:02:02,395 --> 00:02:05,465
Why didn't you use the method
you used on our wedding day?
12
00:02:05,628 --> 00:02:07,864
Have a couple of uncles
baseball-bat my knees...
13
00:02:08,029 --> 00:02:10,064
...throw me in the trunk of the car?
14
00:02:11,496 --> 00:02:15,166
Or were they stuck in Wanker County
where, as Einstein would put it...
15
00:02:15,330 --> 00:02:17,599
...everyone's relative?
16
00:02:19,531 --> 00:02:21,834
You kids see why
I didn't want to pick him up?
17
00:02:21,998 --> 00:02:24,868
"How was I injured," you ask?
18
00:02:25,032 --> 00:02:26,667
Well, there I was...
19
00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:30,203
...sloshing through the mall's
wishing pond looking for change.
20
00:02:31,033 --> 00:02:34,203
I spotted a quarter way far out.
21
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:38,937
Why can't they just make a wish
and drop the quarter, huh?
22
00:02:39,101 --> 00:02:42,003
Why do they gotta whip it
way out there?
23
00:02:43,068 --> 00:02:45,637
Well, I guess they think
that dreams really come true...
24
00:02:45,802 --> 00:02:47,938
...the closer you get to the drain.
25
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,537
Anyhow...
26
00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:52,738
...this quarter was
just within my reach...
27
00:02:52,903 --> 00:02:56,707
...when I sIipped
on some wishing-pond slime...
28
00:02:56,871 --> 00:02:59,273
...and took a header
right into the granite statue...
29
00:02:59,437 --> 00:03:01,606
...of the goddess of the malls:
30
00:03:02,705 --> 00:03:04,640
Half-Offeus.
31
00:03:09,673 --> 00:03:12,275
Kids, you almost lost your daddy.
32
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,476
Well, did you get the quarter?
33
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:20,945
No, it was a pull-tab
from a beer can.
34
00:03:21,708 --> 00:03:22,976
Poor Al.
35
00:03:23,142 --> 00:03:26,011
After such a trying night,
you must be hungry.
36
00:03:26,209 --> 00:03:28,077
Yes, Peg, I am hungry.
37
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,510
Very hungry.
38
00:03:35,543 --> 00:03:37,545
Well, goodnight.
39
00:03:37,711 --> 00:03:39,480
Goodnight, sweetheart.
40
00:03:48,113 --> 00:03:49,514
Peg?
41
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,048
Peg?
42
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,515
Peg, I can't sleep.
43
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,915
I keep thinking of
all those dimes and nickels...
44
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,916
...that I passed over
to get to that beer tab.
45
00:04:00,948 --> 00:04:05,219
So typical of my life.
I was just this close to that quarter.
46
00:04:05,615 --> 00:04:07,684
God, my head hurts.
47
00:04:08,049 --> 00:04:10,151
Well, maybe next time
you'll wear a helmet...
48
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,718
...before you go a coin-hunting.
49
00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:14,818
Now goodnight.
50
00:04:16,317 --> 00:04:20,020
You know what would feel good?
A nice ice pack.
51
00:04:20,251 --> 00:04:23,488
Al, you always do this.
52
00:04:23,651 --> 00:04:27,255
You get the slightest
little injury and you get all whiney.
53
00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:30,055
Like last summer
when changing the tires...
54
00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:32,455
...and the car fell on you.
55
00:04:33,253 --> 00:04:36,356
Boy, I really got
a lot of sleep that night.
56
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,491
"I can't feel my legs,
I can't feel my legs!"
57
00:04:45,555 --> 00:04:48,158
You are such a baby sometimes.
58
00:04:48,323 --> 00:04:49,858
Now just go to sleep.
59
00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:52,725
Some of us feel okay.
60
00:04:56,857 --> 00:05:00,494
Oh, I can't sleep, honey,
rub my tushy.
61
00:05:20,761 --> 00:05:23,498
Yep, once a mighty athlete.
62
00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:33,832
Peg! Peg, look! Look!
63
00:05:36,630 --> 00:05:38,599
There's nothing there, Al.
64
00:05:38,763 --> 00:05:41,233
Now go to sleep.
65
00:06:27,239 --> 00:06:28,607
Peggy! Peggy!
66
00:06:28,772 --> 00:06:30,374
Peg.
67
00:06:30,539 --> 00:06:33,509
Three little green aliens
came in here.
68
00:06:33,673 --> 00:06:36,076
They stole my sock.
69
00:06:38,508 --> 00:06:41,911
Honey, were they green before
or after they touched your sock?
70
00:06:45,775 --> 00:06:49,112
No, Peg, they stole my sock.
It really happened.
71
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:52,813
Al, sweetheart,
you banged your head tonight.
72
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:55,079
You are having an hallucination.
73
00:06:55,244 --> 00:06:59,081
You're probably seriously hurt
and need medical attention.
74
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,179
Now go to sleep.
75
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,884
Oh, baby!
76
00:07:25,382 --> 00:07:29,386
Well, one of us has got to go
get Daddy at the doctor.
77
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:32,318
Don't look at me, I didn't marry him.
78
00:07:33,983 --> 00:07:36,185
I barely know the man.
79
00:07:37,950 --> 00:07:40,686
Oh, hi, honey. We were just deciding
who was gonna go and--
80
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,487
Well, don't bother, I'm home.
81
00:07:43,851 --> 00:07:45,486
You know, it's funny...
82
00:07:45,652 --> 00:07:47,554
...after a couple of hours, I realized...
83
00:07:47,719 --> 00:07:49,320
...you weren't gonna pick me up...
84
00:07:49,485 --> 00:07:52,522
...so I thought, "Well, you know,
I'm dizzy and my head hurts...
85
00:07:52,686 --> 00:07:55,356
...what better time to take the bus?"
86
00:07:56,254 --> 00:08:01,359
So after five transfers and
a quick jaunt through gang country...
87
00:08:01,754 --> 00:08:03,156
...where we stopped briefly...
88
00:08:03,321 --> 00:08:06,358
...so all the white males
could be singled out and beaten...
89
00:08:06,922 --> 00:08:08,557
...I'm home at last.
90
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,857
Did you bring us a TV Guide?
91
00:08:15,657 --> 00:08:18,793
"What did the doctor say," you ask?
92
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:22,161
Well, don't worry. Though it looks bad
and might have killed me...
93
00:08:22,324 --> 00:08:24,527
...it's just a painful, nasty bruise.
94
00:08:24,691 --> 00:08:26,994
Anybody like to see it?
95
00:08:27,159 --> 00:08:28,960
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
96
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:35,128
Anybody call?
97
00:08:35,994 --> 00:08:40,098
Yeah, the Loch Ness monster
and Bigfoot...
98
00:08:40,861 --> 00:08:43,364
...wanted to know if you were on
for poker tomorrow...
99
00:08:43,528 --> 00:08:45,730
...over at Darth Vader's house.
100
00:08:47,195 --> 00:08:50,498
The Klingons are bringing the chips.
101
00:08:53,796 --> 00:08:55,098
Thank you, Peg.
102
00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:58,567
Must you tell them everything
that goes on in the bedroom?
103
00:09:00,430 --> 00:09:05,369
One thing happens in five years
and I'm not supposed to talk about it?
104
00:09:06,798 --> 00:09:09,968
Honey, Cop Rock's on tonight,
so we're going to the movies.
105
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,101
Come on, kids.
106
00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:20,637
We're just gonna go pick up Marcie.
And honey, we may be a little bit late.
107
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,971
It seems the octopus people
have run amuck downtown...
108
00:09:25,135 --> 00:09:27,371
...and you know
what that does to traffic.
109
00:09:30,936 --> 00:09:33,772
Dad, if there's any trouble...
110
00:09:33,936 --> 00:09:35,638
...blow on this ring.
111
00:09:35,803 --> 00:09:38,273
The alien police
will come and save you.
112
00:09:44,804 --> 00:09:46,973
What the hell are you looking at?
113
00:09:47,772 --> 00:09:49,374
Maybe I didn't really see them...
114
00:09:49,539 --> 00:09:53,242
...because if a great dog like you
didn't sense their presence and bark...
115
00:09:53,406 --> 00:09:55,775
...then I must be going crazy.
116
00:10:09,708 --> 00:10:12,478
Oh, this is okay.
117
00:10:14,177 --> 00:10:15,444
See, I...
118
00:10:15,609 --> 00:10:18,112
I've had a head injury.
119
00:10:18,277 --> 00:10:20,078
You're not really here.
120
00:10:23,378 --> 00:10:24,746
Nope.
121
00:10:24,912 --> 00:10:27,781
I don't see anyone at all.
122
00:11:05,485 --> 00:11:07,287
Help me.
123
00:11:09,219 --> 00:11:12,155
Moon men have my socks.
124
00:11:15,153 --> 00:11:16,922
Over.
125
00:11:23,388 --> 00:11:25,190
Al!
126
00:11:25,388 --> 00:11:27,523
Al!
127
00:11:28,022 --> 00:11:30,624
Well, guess he's not home.
128
00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:32,357
Well, he couldn't be far.
129
00:11:32,956 --> 00:11:35,091
The stench of failure
is still in the air.
130
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,663
Kids, I think you better go upstairs
and pack a bag.
131
00:11:53,826 --> 00:11:56,196
Your father may be going away.
132
00:11:57,793 --> 00:12:01,397
I just know he's gonna linger on
and eat away at our savings.
133
00:12:02,594 --> 00:12:04,863
Come on out of there, sweetheart.
Come on.
134
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,763
Come on.
135
00:12:16,729 --> 00:12:18,464
Well, now look what you've done.
136
00:12:18,630 --> 00:12:21,233
Oh, he sells shoes.
What's the difference?
137
00:12:23,897 --> 00:12:25,232
Come on, sweetheart.
138
00:12:25,398 --> 00:12:28,267
Marcie just did that because
she loves you.
139
00:12:28,432 --> 00:12:32,503
No, I did it because he calls me
"Sergeant Carter Hair."
140
00:12:32,832 --> 00:12:34,134
Come on, honey.
141
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,402
Come on over here
and sit on the couch...
142
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,969
...and tell us what happened.
143
00:12:39,533 --> 00:12:41,202
You'll laugh at me.
144
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:43,903
We won't laugh at you.
145
00:12:44,801 --> 00:12:48,939
Well, the moon men came back,
and took my socks.
146
00:12:52,835 --> 00:12:56,839
Isn't it funny how UFOs
always visit idiots?
147
00:12:58,137 --> 00:13:00,406
I guess they went up
to the last idiot and said:
148
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,839
"Take us to your leader."
149
00:13:03,604 --> 00:13:04,872
Look, you gotta believe me.
150
00:13:05,038 --> 00:13:08,141
They came and took the socks
off my feet, they measured my head...
151
00:13:08,305 --> 00:13:10,840
...then went to the laundry basket
and took socks there.
152
00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:13,241
Does that sound like
the ramblings of an idiot?
153
00:13:16,006 --> 00:13:18,108
Ask Buck, he was here.
154
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:22,008
Ask Buck?
155
00:13:22,174 --> 00:13:23,809
Okay.
156
00:13:24,007 --> 00:13:25,542
Ah, Buck?
157
00:13:25,708 --> 00:13:27,210
Honey?
158
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:30,578
Why don't you tell us
what you and Daddy saw.
159
00:13:37,143 --> 00:13:39,879
Well, he says he can vouch
for five aliens...
160
00:13:40,044 --> 00:13:43,247
...but, you know, he's nothing
without his calculator.
161
00:13:44,144 --> 00:13:46,680
We're sorry, Al.
We shouldn't have doubted you.
162
00:13:46,844 --> 00:13:50,181
You know, UFO Digest has pledged
to pay one million dollars...
163
00:13:50,345 --> 00:13:53,448
...to anyone with real proof
of aliens having visited.
164
00:13:53,613 --> 00:13:56,749
And with your dog's testimony
and your standing in the community...
165
00:13:56,913 --> 00:13:59,349
...why, that million's
as good as yours.
166
00:14:02,414 --> 00:14:05,550
All right, laugh if you will,
but answer me this:
167
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,616
If there weren't any aliens...
168
00:14:07,782 --> 00:14:10,251
...how do you explain these?
169
00:14:13,616 --> 00:14:17,954
Well, if we were in Russia,
I'd say Chernobyl.
170
00:14:43,254 --> 00:14:44,855
Al.
171
00:14:45,387 --> 00:14:47,823
Honey,
when you fell into that pond...
172
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:52,159
...just exactly how long
were you underwater?
173
00:14:54,256 --> 00:14:55,891
Peg, haven't you learned yet...
174
00:14:56,056 --> 00:15:00,227
...that nothing reveals itself
in this bedroom when you're talking?
175
00:15:03,158 --> 00:15:06,228
You know, you've been sitting
there for three hours doing nothing.
176
00:15:06,391 --> 00:15:10,529
If you're gonna do that, why don't
you get a job at the post office.
177
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:16,562
Come on, boys,
get me out of here.
178
00:15:34,362 --> 00:15:35,863
Get off me, Buck!
179
00:15:44,931 --> 00:15:46,199
They're not coming.
180
00:15:47,131 --> 00:15:48,933
I give up.
181
00:16:10,668 --> 00:16:12,670
They have to be used, huh?
182
00:16:17,970 --> 00:16:21,240
Of course, the other ones were new.
183
00:16:21,770 --> 00:16:23,806
You...
184
00:16:23,971 --> 00:16:25,739
You guys mind if I take your picture?
185
00:16:33,138 --> 00:16:34,840
Say "millions."
186
00:17:11,346 --> 00:17:14,449
Whoa, alien!
187
00:17:18,946 --> 00:17:20,448
Guys, just one more thing.
188
00:17:20,614 --> 00:17:24,084
You sure you don't want the redhead
for your intergalactic zoo?
189
00:17:27,982 --> 00:17:30,618
I don't blame you. Well...
190
00:17:30,781 --> 00:17:33,184
...live long and prosper.
191
00:17:33,349 --> 00:17:35,551
I know I will.
192
00:17:37,617 --> 00:17:39,085
I'm rich!
193
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:41,619
I'm gonna get the millions!
194
00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:43,819
Did the aliens come, honey?
195
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:47,652
No.
196
00:17:48,751 --> 00:17:50,186
Well, you woke me up.
197
00:17:50,352 --> 00:17:52,387
Rub my tushy.
198
00:17:53,552 --> 00:17:55,387
Rub it yourself.
199
00:18:01,153 --> 00:18:03,889
Pictures come and I never go home
200
00:18:04,054 --> 00:18:06,991
Pictures come and I never go home
201
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:10,258
One blonde, two blondes
Three blondes, ah
202
00:18:10,421 --> 00:18:13,324
Pictures come and I never go home
203
00:18:13,489 --> 00:18:18,194
Hey, Mr. Telly-Man,
we don't need the whole song.
204
00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:21,525
- May I help you?
- Gimme my pictures.
205
00:18:21,690 --> 00:18:26,262
I got planes to catch, cars to buy,
and families to leave.
206
00:18:27,258 --> 00:18:30,694
- Name?
- Bundy, but it'll soon change.
207
00:18:31,791 --> 00:18:33,059
Gimme my pictures.
208
00:18:33,225 --> 00:18:36,195
Bundy, Bundy.
209
00:18:36,492 --> 00:18:40,630
Is that "Al Bundy"?
36 exposures? 1600 ISO?
210
00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:42,695
Yes, yes.
211
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:48,430
This has only happened one other time
since we've been at this location.
212
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:50,796
- What happened?
- Well, do you know anything...
213
00:18:50,961 --> 00:18:52,730
- ...about film developing?
- No.
214
00:18:52,895 --> 00:18:54,697
Well, neither do we.
215
00:18:55,895 --> 00:18:57,464
But we learn as we go.
216
00:18:57,630 --> 00:18:59,698
Today we learned
that when the machine jams...
217
00:18:59,863 --> 00:19:03,100
...you don't use a flashlight
around negatives.
218
00:19:04,564 --> 00:19:05,965
Were they anything important?
219
00:19:11,698 --> 00:19:14,101
When's your court date, Al?
220
00:19:14,266 --> 00:19:15,900
Thursday.
221
00:19:16,399 --> 00:19:17,934
Congratulations...
222
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,035
...it's not every day
a Bundy gets arrested...
223
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,969
...for assaulting a Photorama clerk.
224
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,103
Of course, you were in the right.
225
00:19:26,268 --> 00:19:30,138
I mean, he did lose your photos
of those little green guys.
226
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:33,071
That's right,
play with the piranha.
227
00:19:34,369 --> 00:19:36,604
Honey, I'm gonna go
see your lawyer.
228
00:19:36,769 --> 00:19:38,904
He may not realize
that a previous judge...
229
00:19:39,069 --> 00:19:41,905
...already declared
you legally stupid.
230
00:19:42,070 --> 00:19:43,438
It may help your defence.
231
00:19:48,671 --> 00:19:50,273
What are you looking at?
232
00:19:50,438 --> 00:19:52,674
You know they were real,
you were here.
233
00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:55,108
If you could talk
you'd back me up, wouldn't you?
234
00:19:55,273 --> 00:19:56,674
Yeah, right.
235
00:19:56,839 --> 00:19:58,507
Mad men, they lock up...
236
00:19:58,673 --> 00:20:01,242
...mad dogs, they shoot.
237
00:20:04,574 --> 00:20:06,442
Of course.
238
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:11,478
You guys came to see the pictures,
didn't you?
239
00:20:13,975 --> 00:20:16,044
Well, the Photorama guy
lost them.
240
00:20:22,977 --> 00:20:24,812
No, no. No more pictures.
241
00:20:24,977 --> 00:20:28,481
No, I broke my camera
over some guy's head.
242
00:20:28,711 --> 00:20:31,614
You guys, there's something
you gotta know about me.
243
00:20:31,778 --> 00:20:34,648
Even if I took more pictures of you
it wouldn't come out right.
244
00:20:34,812 --> 00:20:36,614
Everything I do is wrong.
245
00:20:36,779 --> 00:20:38,447
Nothing I do seems to matter.
246
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:40,215
I don't know, I try...
247
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:43,983
...but just seems like Al Bundy
wasn't meant to count.
248
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,449
You want my socks?
249
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,056
Would you guys mind
coming on Geraldo with me?
250
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,625
You gotta go, huh?
251
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,627
I understand.
252
00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:08,868
Oh, guys, just one more thing.
253
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:10,436
Why my socks?
254
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,866
...Al Bundy.
18715
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