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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,081 # Terrible Tudors, GorgeousGeorgians 2 00:00:04,121 --> 00:00:05,401 # Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians, 3 00:00:05,442 --> 00:00:07,844 # Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles, Daring Knights 4 00:00:07,884 --> 00:00:10,726 #Horrors that defy description Cut- throat Celts, Awful Egyptians, 5 00:00:10,766 --> 00:00:13,608 # Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes all these from ancient times 6 00:00:13,648 --> 00:00:16,210 # Romans, rotten rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage fierce and toothless 7 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,932 # Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages, 8 00:00:17,972 --> 00:00:19,333 # The Measly Middle Ages 9 00:00:19,373 --> 00:00:21,895 # Gory stories we do that 10 00:00:21,935 --> 00:00:24,417 # And your host a talking rat 11 00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:27,218 # The past is no longer a mystery 12 00:00:27,258 --> 00:00:28,820 # Welcome to.... 13 00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:32,983 # Horrible Histories! # 14 00:00:38,987 --> 00:00:40,910 When people died in Roman times, 15 00:00:40,950 --> 00:00:46,995 we had some really funny ideas about how to give them a good sendoff. 16 00:00:47,995 --> 00:00:52,638 And above all Messiunas was a wise and a noble man 17 00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:58,724 who only ever beat his slaves when it was absolutely necessary. 18 00:00:58,764 --> 00:01:02,366 He will be sorely missed by us all. 19 00:01:02,406 --> 00:01:04,808 But now...for the fight! 20 00:01:04,848 --> 00:01:06,369 CHEERING 21 00:01:06,409 --> 00:01:09,732 Yea! Fight! Fight! Fight! 22 00:01:09,772 --> 00:01:11,413 Go on...fight, fight! 23 00:01:11,453 --> 00:01:12,734 What on earth's going on? 24 00:01:12,774 --> 00:01:14,455 Oh, it's a fight!But why? 25 00:01:14,495 --> 00:01:19,459 Oh, it's the latest Roman thing. You get your two favourite slaves 26 00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:22,382 to fight to the death in front of your graveside. 27 00:01:22,422 --> 00:01:26,585 Whatever for?It's very noble. The loser's like a sort of sacrifice 28 00:01:26,625 --> 00:01:30,108 to the dead man, you know, keep his soul company? 29 00:01:30,148 --> 00:01:33,150 The best thing is, it's really good fun to watch. 30 00:01:33,190 --> 00:01:35,352 So this is catching on, then? 31 00:01:35,392 --> 00:01:40,435 Oh, yeah, friend of mine died last month, had three fights, 32 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:44,159 that means three more funerals and three fights at each one 33 00:01:44,199 --> 00:01:46,841 that makes nine funerals! It's been wall-to-wall 34 00:01:46,881 --> 00:01:49,323 funerals for weeks now. Brilliant! 35 00:01:52,726 --> 00:01:54,846 Which one was that? 36 00:01:54,886 --> 00:01:57,168 Um... Marcus. 37 00:01:57,208 --> 00:02:03,334 We are gathered here today to mark the passing of Marcus. 38 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,775 He was a good slave. I can't believe all this. 39 00:02:05,815 --> 00:02:08,256 Oh, this is nothing. My uncle, Centillus, 40 00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:11,780 had it written into his will that he wanted a fight to the death 41 00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:13,581 between two beautiful women. 42 00:02:13,621 --> 00:02:15,183 Seriously?Yeah. 43 00:02:15,223 --> 00:02:17,064 His funeral's in ten minutes. 44 00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:20,587 It's disgust....can I come?Yeah. 45 00:02:20,627 --> 00:02:25,430 You've got to pretend to be sad until the fight starts.No problem. 46 00:02:29,873 --> 00:02:32,716 It's horrible, but it's true! 47 00:02:32,756 --> 00:02:36,118 Romans loved watching slaves fighting at funerals. 48 00:02:36,159 --> 00:02:39,522 In fact, they loved it so much that someone had the bright idea 49 00:02:39,562 --> 00:02:44,205 of putting the slaves in stadiums and calling them gladiators. 50 00:02:44,245 --> 00:02:45,566 Rat-a-tat-a-ta! 51 00:02:45,606 --> 00:02:49,650 Gladiators were trained in gladiator schools, not like your schools, 52 00:02:49,690 --> 00:02:52,931 but, do you know, it would be funny if they were. 53 00:03:00,417 --> 00:03:01,659 Teacher's coming! 54 00:03:05,662 --> 00:03:09,224 Hail Rome, class! Very good to see you all working hard, 55 00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:11,467 but I'm afraid we must push on. 56 00:03:11,507 --> 00:03:15,669 All right! Someone tell me where we got to yesterday. 57 00:03:15,709 --> 00:03:17,150 Sir!Yes, Abacus? 58 00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:19,072 Maths, Sir, We were counting 59 00:03:19,112 --> 00:03:22,194 how many criminals heads we could chop off in one contest. 60 00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:25,157 Oh, yes, maths. So, if we're to take... 61 00:03:25,197 --> 00:03:27,318 Sir! Sir!What is it, Overzealous? 62 00:03:27,358 --> 00:03:30,321 when do we get to fight in the Colosseum, Sir? 63 00:03:30,361 --> 00:03:35,925 Colosseum? The Colosseum is for elite gladiators, like me, 64 00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:40,008 masters of the gladitorial arts. 65 00:03:40,048 --> 00:03:43,491 Which of you will become raging retiarius, eh? 66 00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:46,814 With your trident and your net. 67 00:03:46,854 --> 00:03:53,138 Or a vile venator doing battle with wild animals. 68 00:03:53,178 --> 00:03:57,421 You, Overzealous, are not ready for the Colosseum. 69 00:03:57,461 --> 00:04:00,384 What did you get in your last Fighting Wild Animals exam? 70 00:04:00,424 --> 00:04:02,186 Got a "Bee". 71 00:04:02,226 --> 00:04:03,386 You got a "Bee". 72 00:04:03,426 --> 00:04:08,350 Smallest and easiest to fight of all the animals. But what would you do 73 00:04:08,390 --> 00:04:12,153 if you were up against a lion in the arena? 74 00:04:12,194 --> 00:04:13,594 Speak up, boy! 75 00:04:13,634 --> 00:04:14,715 Don't know, Sir. 76 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,195 "Don't know, Sir!" 77 00:04:16,235 --> 00:04:17,958 Na-na-na-na! 78 00:04:17,998 --> 00:04:19,318 Exactly! 79 00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:20,999 Now, where were we? 80 00:04:21,039 --> 00:04:22,120 Maths, Sir. 81 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:26,724 Maths! Good. So, if I was to cut off four men's heads 82 00:04:26,764 --> 00:04:31,848 and add them to the ten slaves arms I cut off the day before 83 00:04:31,888 --> 00:04:32,928 what would we have? 84 00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:36,852 Yes?A great afternoon of entertainment for the people. 85 00:04:36,892 --> 00:04:39,894 Correct answer. Well done! 86 00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:41,696 BELL RINGS 87 00:04:41,736 --> 00:04:43,817 Oh, OK, everyone pack up violently. 88 00:04:45,298 --> 00:04:49,222 And before you go, before you go, make sure you hand in your homework. 89 00:04:49,262 --> 00:04:51,023 GRUMBLING 90 00:04:54,146 --> 00:04:58,188 All right, all right, thank you! Very good, very nice work. A+. 91 00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:05,594 In the First World War 92 00:05:05,634 --> 00:05:08,757 lots of us soldiers had to fight in horrible trenches. 93 00:05:08,797 --> 00:05:14,522 And most of the trenches were full of lice. Ow! 94 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:20,406 Mmm! What's cooking, Soldier? Smells Good! 95 00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:22,687 Fried lice, Sir. 96 00:05:22,728 --> 00:05:25,650 Fried rice? Delicious! 97 00:05:25,690 --> 00:05:27,611 No, no, fried LICE. 98 00:05:27,651 --> 00:05:30,854 Billy's been living in his trench for months without washing, 99 00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:32,015 he's covered in lice. 100 00:05:32,055 --> 00:05:33,375 Ooh, aah, it itches! 101 00:05:33,415 --> 00:05:35,817 Oh, I see. 102 00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:38,379 So we're frying them... 103 00:05:40,421 --> 00:05:41,622 ..for fun! Ha-ha! 104 00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:42,944 That's disgusting! 105 00:05:42,984 --> 00:05:45,905 You think that's disgusting... 106 00:05:48,108 --> 00:05:50,989 Crumbs! They're different colours! 107 00:05:51,029 --> 00:05:54,512 Yeah! I picked up the pale ones from our trench, and the red ones 108 00:05:54,552 --> 00:05:55,993 from the German trench. 109 00:05:56,033 --> 00:05:59,156 It's like they're waging war all over my body, Sir! 110 00:05:59,196 --> 00:06:05,721 BATTLE CRIES AND GUNFIRE 111 00:06:05,761 --> 00:06:07,842 It's not looking good, Commandant! 112 00:06:07,882 --> 00:06:09,283 The British lice have taken 113 00:06:09,323 --> 00:06:11,965 control of the head and are advancing South. 114 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,647 We can't hold onto ze nipples much longer! 115 00:06:14,687 --> 00:06:17,009 We must have reinforcements! 116 00:06:17,049 --> 00:06:20,092 Come on, egg, hatch big! Hatch! 117 00:06:20,132 --> 00:06:22,293 They are over-running us! 118 00:06:22,333 --> 00:06:24,415 Take cover in this shell-hole! 119 00:06:25,216 --> 00:06:27,578 Gerry? We have you surrounded! 120 00:06:27,618 --> 00:06:29,739 Come out with all your hands up! 121 00:06:29,779 --> 00:06:32,100 OK! We surrender! 122 00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:37,344 Gentlemen, this body is ours! Huzzah!Hooray!Wizard! 123 00:06:37,384 --> 00:06:40,867 But you German lice can still have some of it.Oh, ya? 124 00:06:40,907 --> 00:06:43,109 Yes, you can keep the bottom! 125 00:06:43,149 --> 00:06:44,190 Ha-ha-ha! 126 00:07:03,565 --> 00:07:06,328 Life really was horrible in the trenches... 127 00:07:06,368 --> 00:07:08,529 for the Germans as well! 128 00:07:11,571 --> 00:07:14,533 Grub's up! It's Ready Steady Feast! 129 00:07:14,573 --> 00:07:16,775 Joining us today is a German soldier 130 00:07:16,815 --> 00:07:20,779 who comes directly from the trenches of the First World War. 131 00:07:20,819 --> 00:07:22,739 Please welcome... Paul Bomber! 132 00:07:22,779 --> 00:07:23,902 APPLAUSE 133 00:07:23,942 --> 00:07:25,062 Ta...No! 134 00:07:25,102 --> 00:07:27,544 Thanks for coming, Paul. I see you've brought 135 00:07:27,584 --> 00:07:28,705 a bag of food with you. 136 00:07:28,745 --> 00:07:32,428 Well, yes und no. Zis is ersatz food, or fake food. 137 00:07:32,468 --> 00:07:35,070 It's what we have to eat in the trenches 138 00:07:35,110 --> 00:07:37,151 now we have run out of real food. 139 00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:39,713 OK. Why don't you show us what you've got? 140 00:07:39,753 --> 00:07:45,358 For sure. So, my first ingredient is ersatz pepper.Pepper? 141 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:49,560 No, ersatz pepper. We ran out of real pepper. 142 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,163 This is just ashes from ze fire. But we are glad of it! 143 00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:57,568 It takes away ze taste of ze bread. What's wrong with the bread? 144 00:07:57,608 --> 00:08:00,249 It is made of beans and sawdust. 145 00:08:00,289 --> 00:08:02,411 Yuk! 146 00:08:02,451 --> 00:08:07,615 And this is ersatz coffee. This we make by mixing 147 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,777 ze nuts with coal tar and sugar. 148 00:08:10,817 --> 00:08:12,498 Hm! That sounds terrible! 149 00:08:12,538 --> 00:08:16,982 Well, it is not so bad, actually. Then we ran out of nuts and sugar, 150 00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:21,505 so we had to mix coal tar with turnips.That is horrible! 151 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:26,270 Well, you think that's horrible, you should try ersatz meat. 152 00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:30,031 Zis we make from spinach, potatoes, und ersatz eggs. 153 00:08:30,071 --> 00:08:31,194 Ersatz eggs? 154 00:08:31,234 --> 00:08:32,314 Potatoes. 155 00:08:32,354 --> 00:08:35,315 So basically it's potatoes with potatoes! 156 00:08:35,356 --> 00:08:37,478 That doesn't sound that bad.Oh, no? 157 00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:43,003 Well, we fry it up using the fat made from boiled-down rats. 158 00:08:43,043 --> 00:08:44,043 Disgusting! 159 00:08:44,083 --> 00:08:46,645 Well maybe I'll have more luck withmy other guest 160 00:08:46,685 --> 00:08:49,407 from the First World War. Please welcome Mick Wall! 161 00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:50,568 APPLAUSE 162 00:08:50,608 --> 00:08:54,411 He was a milkman in 1917London. Mick, what have you got for us? 163 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:58,053 I've just brought in some milk, watered down to make it go further. 164 00:08:58,094 --> 00:09:01,016 Er, it's illegal, but I thought it was a good idea, 165 00:09:01,056 --> 00:09:02,777 what with all the shortages. 166 00:09:02,817 --> 00:09:04,459 Nothing wrong with that. 167 00:09:04,499 --> 00:09:06,300 Ask him where he found ze water? 168 00:09:06,340 --> 00:09:08,222 Where did you get the water from? 169 00:09:08,262 --> 00:09:10,303 Oh, I'd rather not say, really. 170 00:09:10,343 --> 00:09:13,025 But if you do find any brown bits floating in there, 171 00:09:13,065 --> 00:09:16,308 just fish them out. Oh, look! Sausages! 172 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,189 RETCHING 173 00:09:18,229 --> 00:09:19,670 VOMITING 174 00:09:19,710 --> 00:09:23,073 Mmm, might make it taste nicer! 175 00:09:23,113 --> 00:09:25,355 Ya, for sure! 176 00:09:25,395 --> 00:09:27,316 Grub is up!Oh, shut up! 177 00:09:29,037 --> 00:09:34,362 Honestly, that's all true. 100% accu- rat-e! Ha! 178 00:09:34,402 --> 00:09:38,606 Even the bit about making cooking fat from boiling down rats... 179 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:42,088 Do you know what? I think I'm going to get out of here! 180 00:09:47,331 --> 00:09:51,655 Pirates terrorised the world's seas for hundreds of years. 181 00:09:51,695 --> 00:09:53,376 They were a frightening bunch, 182 00:09:53,416 --> 00:09:55,938 but there was one thing that frightened them... 183 00:09:55,978 --> 00:09:59,501 being sent The Black Spot! 184 00:10:06,627 --> 00:10:10,430 Shiver me timbers! Daggers! Daggers McCaw! 185 00:10:10,470 --> 00:10:13,672 Is that you, you salty sea dog? 186 00:10:13,712 --> 00:10:17,236 No! You must be mistaking me for somebody else. 187 00:10:17,276 --> 00:10:20,357 No, I'm not. Why are you wearing a false beard? 188 00:10:20,397 --> 00:10:21,878 Shhh! 189 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:27,643 I'm in disguise. Me life is in danger. 190 00:10:27,682 --> 00:10:29,805 I tried to stage a mutiny on ship, 191 00:10:29,845 --> 00:10:32,086 and now Captain Grey's baying for me blood. 192 00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:33,728 But he is a fellow pirate, 193 00:10:33,768 --> 00:10:36,890 he wouldn't just kill you, he'd have to warn you first. 194 00:10:36,930 --> 00:10:39,853 By sending you...A LITTLE NOTE! 195 00:10:41,453 --> 00:10:43,415 No, I think you mean by sending me... 196 00:10:43,455 --> 00:10:46,377 THE BLACK SPOT! 197 00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:49,260 Yes, pirate shorthand for... 198 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,102 "We're going to kill ya! 199 00:10:51,142 --> 00:10:53,783 "If you stick around, you'll be killed, 200 00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:57,146 "if you try and run, you'll be killed!" 201 00:10:57,186 --> 00:10:59,987 Thank you, that's making me feel so much better. 202 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,269 But it's fine, isn't it? 203 00:11:01,308 --> 00:11:04,312 Because you haven't actually received The Black Spot. 204 00:11:04,352 --> 00:11:07,875 Not yet, but now I'm out in the open it could happen any moment... 205 00:11:07,915 --> 00:11:10,196 Argh! The Black Spot! 206 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,559 No! No, no, no! I was writing my shopping list earlier 207 00:11:13,599 --> 00:11:16,081 and my quill pen broke, and I spilt some ink. 208 00:11:16,121 --> 00:11:18,603 It's not The Black Spot! Ha-ha! 209 00:11:18,643 --> 00:11:21,524 Right! Oh, my goodness, that's a relief! 210 00:11:21,564 --> 00:11:23,245 For a moment I did think... 211 00:11:23,285 --> 00:11:25,768 The Black Spot! That's a black spot! 212 00:11:25,808 --> 00:11:29,370 No! No, no, no! I was having squid in ink for me dinner, 213 00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:31,732 and a bit must have splashed on my sleeve. 214 00:11:31,772 --> 00:11:37,177 Right! Because for a moment I thought that was actually... 215 00:11:37,217 --> 00:11:39,098 The Black Spot! The Black Spot! 216 00:11:39,138 --> 00:11:42,781 That's warty Wendy, she was born like that. 217 00:11:42,821 --> 00:11:44,422 She's got another one... 218 00:11:44,462 --> 00:11:47,144 It's a black spot! It's a black spot! 219 00:11:47,185 --> 00:11:49,626 It's a black spot! It's a black spot! 220 00:11:49,666 --> 00:11:51,947 It's a black spot! It's a black spot! 221 00:11:51,987 --> 00:11:53,110 It's a black spot! 222 00:11:53,150 --> 00:11:54,630 This could take some time... 223 00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:58,553 It's a black spot!Daggers! It's a black spot!Calm down. 224 00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:02,436 Look, you're not going to get killed unless you receive a note 225 00:12:02,476 --> 00:12:06,840 with The Black Spot on it. And I think if that was going to happen, 226 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:10,963 it would have happened by now. Yeah, I suppose you're right. 227 00:12:11,003 --> 00:12:14,526 Thanks for setting me straight, mate. Anyway, best be off. 228 00:12:16,608 --> 00:12:19,409 Night, Daggers!Night. 229 00:12:19,449 --> 00:12:21,892 Well, what he doesn't know can't hurt him! 230 00:12:21,932 --> 00:12:23,653 DOOR SLAMS 231 00:12:23,693 --> 00:12:25,895 GUNFIRE 232 00:12:25,935 --> 00:12:28,896 Oh, I stand corrected! 233 00:12:44,108 --> 00:12:45,989 The answer is... 234 00:12:46,029 --> 00:12:48,031 B. The pirate cut off his ears 235 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:52,394 and made him eat them sprinkled with salt. 236 00:12:52,434 --> 00:12:55,997 And some pirate behaviour was even more surprising than that. 237 00:12:59,881 --> 00:13:04,044 All right, all right! Listen up, you scurvy scum! 238 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:10,088 It's been many moons since I've had fresh blood aboard my ship. 239 00:13:10,128 --> 00:13:14,251 Now you all know me by reputation. 240 00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:21,096 Black Bart, the most bloodthirsty pirate ever to sail the seven seas. 241 00:13:21,136 --> 00:13:27,942 But I don't know any of you, see, so to avoid any misunderstandings 242 00:13:27,982 --> 00:13:33,026 I'm gonna tell you how I runs things on my boat. 243 00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:35,348 LAUGHTER 244 00:13:35,388 --> 00:13:36,789 Bones! The rule book. 245 00:13:38,991 --> 00:13:40,993 RULE ONE! Fighting... 246 00:13:41,033 --> 00:13:42,993 Ah-ha!A-ha! 247 00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:47,077 No fighting! It's anti-social, 248 00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:50,360 and it's a good way to lose an eye, isn't it, Mulligan? Hmm? 249 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,882 So they'll be none of that. If you have a quarrel 250 00:13:52,921 --> 00:13:57,445 you settle it on shore like gentlemen. Is that clear? 251 00:13:57,485 --> 00:14:00,887 RULE TWO! Games! 252 00:14:00,928 --> 00:14:03,089 Ha-ha!Ha-ha! 253 00:14:03,129 --> 00:14:07,453 They'll be no games. I don't want to see any gambling on my ship. 254 00:14:07,493 --> 00:14:10,735 Save your money for a rainy day, people. 255 00:14:10,775 --> 00:14:13,578 After all, if you look after your pieces of eight, 256 00:14:13,618 --> 00:14:18,181 your doubloons will look after themselves, won't they, gents? OK. 257 00:14:18,221 --> 00:14:22,144 RULE THREE! We settle everything democratically. 258 00:14:22,184 --> 00:14:27,308 We take a little vote, and if you don't want to do it, we won't do it! 259 00:14:27,348 --> 00:14:31,111 No-one's going to force you. As for treasure, we divide that up equally. 260 00:14:31,151 --> 00:14:34,835 No squabbling about treasure, boys, come, come. 261 00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:39,437 RULE FOUR! Bedtime is 8 o' clock sharp. 262 00:14:39,477 --> 00:14:41,999 Busy day pirate-ing the next day, 263 00:14:42,039 --> 00:14:46,604 and I don't want to see any of you lads over-tired. All right? 264 00:14:46,644 --> 00:14:47,924 What? 265 00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:50,806 What if we breaks any of those them rules? 266 00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:54,609 Do we get sent to bed early with a smacked botty? Ha-ha! 267 00:14:54,649 --> 00:15:00,174 No! We maroons you on a desert island. 268 00:15:00,214 --> 00:15:07,138 We leaves you there with no water to drink, no fruit to eat, 269 00:15:07,178 --> 00:15:12,302 no animals to kill, no trees for shade. 270 00:15:12,342 --> 00:15:15,385 We leaves you with a bottle of rum and a loaded pistol. 271 00:15:15,425 --> 00:15:17,547 Now the choice is yours. 272 00:15:17,587 --> 00:15:20,830 You can starve to death, slowly, 273 00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:26,554 or you can end it all, swiftly... BANG! 274 00:15:26,594 --> 00:15:31,518 Well, that's more like it! Ha-ha! 275 00:15:31,558 --> 00:15:34,239 Wonderful! I'm glad you're all having so much fun. 276 00:15:34,279 --> 00:15:39,724 This is great, but it is five to eight, guys, so beddy-byes! 277 00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:49,652 Ah, 'tis all true! Ah-ha! 'Tis 100% accu-rat-e! Ha-ha-ha! 278 00:15:49,692 --> 00:15:52,934 Many pirate rules weren't as tough as you'd expect, 279 00:15:52,974 --> 00:15:56,817 oh, no, in many ways they were just great big cissies! Though, actually, 280 00:15:56,857 --> 00:16:00,060 I wouldn't recommend saying that to a pirate's face! Ha-ha! 281 00:16:04,262 --> 00:16:09,827 Guess what we used for tools in the Stone Age, eh? Give up? 282 00:16:09,867 --> 00:16:13,190 Stones! It was the Stone Age, 283 00:16:13,230 --> 00:16:16,353 and it's amazing what you can do with a stone. 284 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:20,956 New from Stone Age tools comes a brand new set of Stone Age tools. 285 00:16:20,995 --> 00:16:23,358 Yes, it's the all-purpose Stone Age tool set 286 00:16:23,398 --> 00:16:26,600 for all those Stone Age tasks that need doing around the cave. 287 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,322 Including...sharp stone, 288 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,844 useful for cutting, and... 289 00:16:30,884 --> 00:16:34,967 sharp stone, good for slicing. Plus... 290 00:16:35,007 --> 00:16:38,169 sharp stone, for chopping. 291 00:16:39,411 --> 00:16:40,531 And now... 292 00:16:40,571 --> 00:16:42,332 introducing blunt stone, 293 00:16:42,372 --> 00:16:44,495 great for hammering! 294 00:16:44,534 --> 00:16:49,738 And that's not all, because order today and get this sharp stone... 295 00:16:49,778 --> 00:16:52,180 absolutely free! Be the sharpest 296 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:55,583 tool in the box, buy the all-purpose Stone Age tool set, today! 297 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,825 Warning! Sharp stone is sharp and can cause injury. 298 00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:00,627 Aargh! 299 00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:04,109 Sharp stones and...blunt stones! 300 00:17:06,832 --> 00:17:08,232 Yeah! 301 00:17:08,272 --> 00:17:11,996 Sharp stones, and blunt stones, were all the tools humans had 302 00:17:12,036 --> 00:17:16,279 for two million years, until some clever-clogs discovered metal in... 303 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:19,921 wait for it...yes, the Bronze Age! Ha- ha-ha! 304 00:17:19,961 --> 00:17:22,683 Imagine coming third before the Bronze Age, eh? 305 00:17:22,723 --> 00:17:25,406 All you'd have got is a stone medal! Ha-ha-ha! 306 00:17:40,057 --> 00:17:42,499 The answer is... 307 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,783 We find out much of what we know about Stone Age man 308 00:17:47,823 --> 00:17:50,344 from what has been found in Stone Age graves. 309 00:17:50,384 --> 00:17:53,587 Here's what we think Stone Age burials were like. 310 00:17:54,228 --> 00:17:58,192 'You join us on this, the saddest of days. 311 00:17:58,232 --> 00:18:01,353 'The great chief of our Stone Age tribe is dead. 312 00:18:01,393 --> 00:18:04,116 'And so with all due reverential pomp and ceremony, 313 00:18:04,156 --> 00:18:06,277 'his body is laid to rest... 314 00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:07,999 'in a ditch. 315 00:18:08,039 --> 00:18:12,321 'His adoring wife, there, clearly upset by the tragic occasion, 316 00:18:12,361 --> 00:18:16,085 'as well she might be. She is going to be buried with him.' 317 00:18:16,125 --> 00:18:17,926 SCREAMING 318 00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:22,329 'And now the chief's loving son comes to pay his respects 319 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,491 'to his late, deceased father.' 320 00:18:24,531 --> 00:18:28,854 Ugh! Like to say, few words... 321 00:18:28,894 --> 00:18:33,058 Ugh only know few words. Father! 322 00:18:33,098 --> 00:18:38,623 You dead! Me now big chief! Ha-ha-ha! 323 00:18:38,663 --> 00:18:43,346 As is traditional on such occasions, the mourners throw in some objects 324 00:18:43,386 --> 00:18:46,508 that the chief might need in the afterlife. 325 00:18:46,588 --> 00:18:49,911 His bow and arrows, a necklace of seashells 326 00:18:49,951 --> 00:18:55,075 and a little extra something to really confuse the archaeologists 327 00:18:55,115 --> 00:18:59,198 who dig him up in years to come. And finally we go to the memorial 328 00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:02,680 that commemorates the tragic way the chief lost his life. 329 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,923 Me push mammoth off cliff! Whee! 330 00:19:05,963 --> 00:19:11,167 Splat! Chief splattered! Ha-ha-ha! 331 00:19:11,207 --> 00:19:15,732 An extra arm really has been found in a Stone Age burial pit. 332 00:19:15,772 --> 00:19:20,494 So have loads of other weird things like extra teeth, seashells, 333 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:24,898 and even a dead cat! Mind you, that's how I like my cats, dead! 334 00:19:33,265 --> 00:19:35,026 Fight your way through history! 335 00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:41,510 You are a Viking, the most terrifying warrior the world has ever known. 336 00:19:41,550 --> 00:19:43,913 It's time for you to invade Britain! 337 00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:48,797 'Head-chopping axe, 338 00:19:48,837 --> 00:19:50,358 'skull-crushing hammer, 339 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,359 'gut-slashing sword. 340 00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,040 'Selection complete.' 341 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:58,564 Choose the mightiest British warrior to fight, or just go to Britain 342 00:19:58,604 --> 00:20:01,047 and butcher some defenceless monks! 343 00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:02,848 'British monk selected.' 344 00:20:02,888 --> 00:20:07,051 Re-create the battles of the brave Viking warriors. 345 00:20:12,055 --> 00:20:13,736 'Selection complete'. 346 00:20:16,458 --> 00:20:19,781 How many unarmed British monks can you slaughter? 347 00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:23,503 How much treasure can you steal? 348 00:20:24,785 --> 00:20:27,466 How many British monasteries can you destroy? 349 00:20:28,988 --> 00:20:30,709 'Select new British monastery.' 350 00:20:30,749 --> 00:20:33,031 But it's not all just kill, kill, kill! 351 00:20:33,071 --> 00:20:34,913 You take monks as slaves, too. 352 00:20:38,995 --> 00:20:40,677 Warrior! 353 00:20:53,207 --> 00:20:55,768 Being a Viking wasn't all fight, fight, fight. 354 00:20:55,808 --> 00:20:59,451 We liked to look good, too. And what you are about to see 355 00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:03,335 are all genuine Viking beauty treatments. 356 00:21:03,375 --> 00:21:08,058 Historical hairdressers! "Hair", there and everywhere! He-he! 357 00:21:10,579 --> 00:21:12,621 Oh! What is it with you Vikings 358 00:21:12,661 --> 00:21:15,944 that you're always coming in on a Saturday?It's tradition. 359 00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:18,826 You know Vikings like to do their grooming on Saturdays 360 00:21:18,866 --> 00:21:20,948 Look, can I just have a hair wash? 361 00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,508 Does it look like I can? 362 00:21:22,548 --> 00:21:26,312 I mean, some of these Vikings made their appointments weeks ago. 363 00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:27,592 OK, OK. Eyebrow tidy? 364 00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:31,516 No! Shelley's run off her feet moustache-trimming as it is. 365 00:21:31,556 --> 00:21:35,199 Look, please! I've got a longship raid for a fortnight from Wednesday, 366 00:21:35,239 --> 00:21:38,401 I just want to look my best. Look, you know us Vikings 367 00:21:38,441 --> 00:21:40,603 take our grooming very seriously. 368 00:21:40,643 --> 00:21:43,806 Oh, all right, I've got a cancellation Tuesday morning. 369 00:21:43,846 --> 00:21:46,969 I can fit you in for a hair wash, dye and a plait then. 370 00:21:47,009 --> 00:21:49,409 I dunno, it's cutting it a bit fine, Suzanne. 371 00:21:49,449 --> 00:21:52,772 I'll see if Shelley can book you earwax removal at the same time. 372 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,453 She's got a new Viking ear spoon. 373 00:21:54,493 --> 00:21:57,816 Shelley! Show him your new ear spoon. 374 00:21:57,856 --> 00:22:00,978 Oh, that is brilliant! Cheers, Suzanne, I'll see you then. 375 00:22:01,018 --> 00:22:02,340 Aah! 376 00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:04,261 Eric, that's you done. 377 00:22:04,301 --> 00:22:06,823 Now, who's next for a hair wash? 378 00:22:06,863 --> 00:22:08,384 I am! 379 00:22:08,424 --> 00:22:11,427 Oh, I hate Saturdays! 380 00:22:13,949 --> 00:22:16,030 Vikings were incredibly clean. 381 00:22:16,070 --> 00:22:20,274 They really did like to wash and groom themselves every Saturday. 382 00:22:20,314 --> 00:22:23,316 They had earwax spoons and everything. Ha-ha-ha! 383 00:22:25,317 --> 00:22:27,039 I just stirred my tea with that! 384 00:22:31,401 --> 00:22:35,325 We didn't just have silly wigs in Georgian times, 385 00:22:35,365 --> 00:22:38,288 we also had some silly tax laws. 386 00:22:39,289 --> 00:22:42,692 And now it's time for our fairy tale series, where all the stories 387 00:22:42,732 --> 00:22:45,333 are re-told in different historical settings. 388 00:22:45,373 --> 00:22:46,493 Today... 389 00:22:49,377 --> 00:22:54,980 And the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the stick house down. 390 00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:57,182 So the little pigs ran as fast 391 00:22:57,222 --> 00:22:59,705 as their little trotters would carry them, 392 00:22:59,744 --> 00:23:01,906 to their little piggy brother's house 393 00:23:01,946 --> 00:23:05,429 which was made of very strong brick. 394 00:23:05,469 --> 00:23:07,550 But this was Georgian times, 395 00:23:07,590 --> 00:23:12,714 and the little piggy in the brick househad bricked up all his windows 396 00:23:12,754 --> 00:23:15,916 so he wouldn't have to pay the new window tax, 397 00:23:15,956 --> 00:23:19,479 which meant he didn't see his little piggy brothers. 398 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,522 And they were both eaten up by the big, bad wolf. 399 00:23:23,562 --> 00:23:25,764 The end. 400 00:23:25,804 --> 00:23:31,128 It's true. Many Georgian people bricked up their windows like this 401 00:23:31,168 --> 00:23:34,852 to avoid the window tax. We Georgians had silly taxes 402 00:23:34,892 --> 00:23:39,415 because we had stupid politicians and we had stupid politicians 403 00:23:39,455 --> 00:23:41,697 because we had silly elections. 404 00:23:45,339 --> 00:23:49,662 Number one, turn up at the polling station. 405 00:23:49,702 --> 00:23:51,745 Number two, go home if you're a woman. 406 00:23:54,186 --> 00:23:58,550 Number three, go home if you don't own any property. 407 00:23:58,590 --> 00:24:00,191 I own property! 408 00:24:00,231 --> 00:24:04,434 Yes, but you're still a woman and therefore feeble-minded. Go home! 409 00:24:06,115 --> 00:24:09,198 Number four, check that one of the candidates 410 00:24:09,238 --> 00:24:12,641 is the lord of the manor's son. Are you the lord of the manor's son? 411 00:24:12,681 --> 00:24:15,323 Daddy, am I the Lord... Yes, you are. 412 00:24:15,363 --> 00:24:16,363 Yes, I am. 413 00:24:16,403 --> 00:24:19,686 Number five, vote for the lord of the manor's son. 414 00:24:19,726 --> 00:24:21,367 But what if I don't want to? 415 00:24:21,407 --> 00:24:23,690 You have to, there are no other candidates. 416 00:24:30,134 --> 00:24:33,697 Hang on, isn't voting supposed to be secret?Certainly not, 417 00:24:33,737 --> 00:24:37,220 we have to make sure you voted for my son. 418 00:24:37,260 --> 00:24:42,184 And finally, congratulate your new member of parliament. 419 00:24:42,224 --> 00:24:43,745 Congratulations. 420 00:24:43,785 --> 00:24:47,388 Thank you. Now give me all your money, I've just put the taxes up. 421 00:24:50,470 --> 00:24:53,272 Ha-ha! That's my boy! 422 00:24:56,834 --> 00:25:01,798 Georgian elections really were very corrupt and members of parliament 423 00:25:01,838 --> 00:25:05,762 weren't paid, so only rich men could afford to become one. 424 00:25:05,802 --> 00:25:08,243 And who would they stick up for in parliament? 425 00:25:08,283 --> 00:25:14,209 Well, their rich friends, of course. That stinks! And not in a good way. 426 00:25:16,610 --> 00:25:19,132 Please welcome to Horrible Histories 427 00:25:19,172 --> 00:25:22,974 the four King Georges of the Georgian era with Born 2 Rule. 428 00:25:26,337 --> 00:25:31,102 # I took the throne of England just cos I was protestant 429 00:25:31,142 --> 00:25:35,825 # A German, a prince whose English stank, King George number one 430 00:25:35,865 --> 00:25:41,428 # I like to argue, now that's clear, especially with my father, here 431 00:25:41,468 --> 00:25:45,993 # And when he died of diarrhoea I fought with my son 432 00:25:46,033 --> 00:25:51,636 # I broke records with my 60 year reign 433 00:25:51,676 --> 00:25:56,800 # And I broke the scales with my giant frame, ha 434 00:25:56,841 --> 00:26:01,365 TOGETHER: # Born to rule over you 435 00:26:01,405 --> 00:26:03,886 # King George Four... 436 00:26:03,926 --> 00:26:05,207 # Three,One, 437 00:26:05,248 --> 00:26:06,648 # AndTwo, 438 00:26:06,688 --> 00:26:11,572 TOGETHER: # You had to do what we told you to 439 00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:16,417 # Just because our blood was blue 440 00:26:20,539 --> 00:26:23,062 # I was a hunk, girls adored me 441 00:26:23,102 --> 00:26:25,062 # Ladies all swooned before me 442 00:26:25,102 --> 00:26:31,308 # They would do anything for me or I'd have their husbands killed 443 00:26:31,348 --> 00:26:33,350 # Had a war with Prince Charles, Bonnie 444 00:26:33,390 --> 00:26:35,671 # Everyone said that I was f-f-funny 445 00:26:35,711 --> 00:26:37,872 # I spent everyone's money 446 00:26:37,912 --> 00:26:40,915 # Our subjects were not thrilled 447 00:26:40,955 --> 00:26:42,436 # I was the sad one 448 00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:45,198 # And I was the bad one 449 00:26:45,238 --> 00:26:47,239 # I was the mad one 450 00:26:47,279 --> 00:26:49,562 # And I was the fat one 451 00:26:49,602 --> 00:26:55,007 TOGETHER: # We were born to rule over you 452 00:26:55,047 --> 00:26:57,688 # Georges one, 453 00:26:57,728 --> 00:27:00,210 # Three,fourand two 454 00:27:00,250 --> 00:27:04,933 TOGETHER: # England's kings, though we were German, too 455 00:27:04,974 --> 00:27:06,174 # Him, 456 00:27:06,215 --> 00:27:07,496 # Then him, 457 00:27:07,536 --> 00:27:09,136 # Then me, 458 00:27:09,177 --> 00:27:10,858 TOGETHER: # Then you 459 00:27:10,898 --> 00:27:11,779 # We were born... 460 00:27:11,819 --> 00:27:14,581 TOGETHER: # To rule over you 461 00:27:14,621 --> 00:27:16,142 # Born to rule 462 00:27:16,182 --> 00:27:20,346 #Gorged on fruit then I died on the loo 463 00:27:20,386 --> 00:27:23,388 # People hated us... 464 00:27:23,428 --> 00:27:25,510 TOGETHER: # And we hated them, too 465 00:27:25,550 --> 00:27:30,113 # Born to rule over you 466 00:27:30,153 --> 00:27:34,155 # Born to rule over you 467 00:27:34,195 --> 00:27:39,159 # Me, I was as batty as a bonkers kangaroo 468 00:27:39,199 --> 00:27:44,884 # Me, I would have been more at home in a zoo 469 00:27:44,924 --> 00:27:52,371 TOGETHER: # Now, now our song is through, yeah 470 00:27:52,411 --> 00:27:56,854 # Georges! # 471 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:08,103 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 37349

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