Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,002 --> 00:00:03,087
Of all the people
you fucked--my mother?
2
00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:06,007
Hey, somebody had to!
Oh, you piece of shit!
3
00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,509
Take your stuff
and get the fuck out!
4
00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:11,137
Fuck you!
Hey, double fuck you!
5
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,888
And in New York,
6
00:00:12,972 --> 00:00:15,057
that's considered
pillow talk!
7
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:21,147
Hi, folks.
I'm your tour guide Rita,
8
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,315
and we'll be seeing
little vignettes like that
9
00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:25,109
being played out
from improvisers
10
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,986
like Billy and Janet
over there.
11
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,948
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
12
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,659
So here's a fun fact
about my life.
13
00:00:33,743 --> 00:00:35,453
My life partner Kiki moved out
14
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,664
since I adopted
a family of rats
that I keep as pets.
15
00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:40,624
Fuckin' hate my life.
I'm gonna fuckin'
16
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,251
blow my brains out
when I get home.
17
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:44,545
Fuckin' Trump voters.
Trump voting pieces of shit.
18
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,047
Fucking homophobic
pieces of shit.
19
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,215
Fuckin racist.
Home-schooled
20
00:00:48,299 --> 00:00:51,385
fuckin' Sarah Palin
is their beauty icon.
Fuck you!
21
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:53,054
What's more important, right?
22
00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,097
My life partner
or my rat family?
23
00:00:55,181 --> 00:00:56,974
Okay, let's give it up
24
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,351
to these two dipshit
improvisers, right?
25
00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:01,562
Yeah, dipshit improvisers!
26
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,775
Okay, now, movin' on...
27
00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:08,110
Well, as I've said
to many a first date,
28
00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:10,696
welcome to the bottom.
Just when you think things
29
00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:12,156
couldn't get more degrading,
30
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,451
we are improvising
for tourists outside.
31
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,078
I hope my face
doesn't get too chapped.
32
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:18,746
I'm getting new head shots
after this.
33
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,707
New Tinder pic?
No. I'm over Tinder.
34
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,627
Too many nice guys.
I'm so sick of nice.
35
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:27,630
No, these are for work.
I saw an ad for
free head shots.
36
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,256
Hey, do you wanna
get some too?
37
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,592
You know, I would, but
I prefer using the head shot
38
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,469
where I'm still at
my original goal weight.
39
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,179
Sure, people are surprised
when I show up
40
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,263
and I'm no longer 11,
41
00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,057
but I still have hope
in my eyes.
42
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,517
Besides, I have plans later.
43
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,060
Food or TV related?
44
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,187
Both, girlfriend.
I am curling up
45
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:45,106
with my snack blankets
to watch
46
00:01:45,189 --> 00:01:47,900
the Lifetime movie
to end all Lifetime movies.
47
00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:50,986
They are doing a male reboot
of Thelma & Louise.
48
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:53,906
Ah! The reverse
"Ghost Busters'ing" has begun.
49
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,783
Isn't it comforting to know
that at no point
50
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,451
someone at Lifetime was like,
"Maybe people
51
00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,370
"don't wanna watch two men
going around beating up women
52
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,996
until they drive off a cliff
together"?
53
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,623
Oh, next bus.
54
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:05,167
Oh. Time to dance for
more evolution deniers.
55
00:02:05,251 --> 00:02:07,044
And you can take
all your fuckin' shit,
56
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:08,420
you cheatin' pig!
57
00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,172
Hey, it's not my fault
58
00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:12,925
that your father eats pussy
like he was starving!
59
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,010
Hey, fuck you!
Fuck you!
60
00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:21,934
- Thelmo?
- Yeah, Louis?
61
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:23,686
I'm getting
a real knack for this shit.
62
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:26,313
Beatin' up bitches, I mean.
63
00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:28,023
This is bad for women.
64
00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:30,442
Well, signature cocktail,
I did it.
65
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:33,571
I installed your new
Soda Stream showerhead.
66
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,407
Your dream of carbonated
showers to jazz up
your mornings
67
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,992
has become a reality.
Hey, babe,
68
00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:40,077
I need a breather from
the Sweet Snack Blanket.
69
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:42,121
Can you grab the Savory one
from the bedroom?
70
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:44,582
You're welcome.
Yeah, the soda syrup
attachment
71
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,501
was a nightmare to hang,
but...I did it.
72
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:48,752
When's dinner?
73
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:50,713
Uh, America runs on Dunkin,
74
00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:52,965
I'm starting to feel
a little taken for granted
75
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,176
and, you know,
not really listened to.
76
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,011
Mm-hmm. Exactly.
77
00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,679
Don't you feel the new
"Rocky Horror's"
78
00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,014
so much better
than the old one?
79
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,724
The one with Laverne Cox?
80
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,726
They're deleting the original.
Did you know that?
81
00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:04,977
Yeah, yeah, great.
82
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,062
I don't recall
ever feelin' this awake--
83
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:08,814
chainsawin' women's
legs off!
84
00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,275
Hey, nice pictures.
85
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,235
Thanks.
I got new head shots.
86
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,612
Not bad, right?
Yeah.
87
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,031
And they were free.
Free head shots?
88
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:20,117
What'd you have to do,
Promise not to have sex
with a photographer?
89
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,660
Pull a reverse Coco
from Fame
90
00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:24,413
and just keep putting on
more and more clothes
while you cried?
91
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:26,624
Hey, Billy, autograph one
for me.
92
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,834
Once you make it,
I'll hang it on the wall.
93
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:30,753
Aw, thanks, Nate.
You got it.
94
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:33,088
That'll be the only time
Billy's ever hung.
95
00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:36,884
Ooh, snap, snap, Joe Papp,
public theater, water tap,
96
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,427
if he hollers, let him go,
97
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:39,970
Laurie Metcalf,
Margaret Cho.
98
00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:43,015
There you go.
Billy, I'm always
in your corner.
99
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:44,892
I'm sure you're
gonna make it.
100
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,730
Yes, doctor,
the swelling is gone,
101
00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,608
but I'm afraid
so is most of the filler!
102
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,276
Being as thin as I am,
I'm worried
103
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,195
that my skin might crepe.
104
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,948
Okay, I'll text you a picture,
but call me back.
105
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:03,619
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
106
00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,871
You know how difficult it is
107
00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,081
to get a doctor
to call you back.
108
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,791
So where were we?
We were talking about
109
00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:12,044
how my mom puts herself first,
second, and third.
110
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:13,712
That sounds a lot like
my daughter.
111
00:04:13,796 --> 00:04:15,631
I mean, I guess she has
this high-pressure job--
112
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,675
Boom! No longer
like my daughter.
113
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,551
If you knew my daughter,
114
00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,887
you'd realize
how that is very funny.
115
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,764
So my mom's this
big-deal editor, so what?
116
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,975
Slow down, slow down.
Editor? What, for books?
117
00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:27,518
Yeah. My mom
runs Veronica Ford.
118
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,186
Oh!
Like last week, when I got
119
00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:30,980
into that car accident
on the way to our session,
120
00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:32,731
she didn't even pick me up
from the hospital.
121
00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:34,733
I had to get a Chore Rabbit.
The vibrator?
122
00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:36,568
What? No. It's that app
123
00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,487
where you get strangers
to do your tasks for you?
124
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,614
Anyway, my mom left me
at the hospital
125
00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:42,241
'cause she was closing
Steve Bannon's deal
126
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:43,951
to do a sci-fi novel
set out of Yeshiva.
127
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,870
Wait a minute--
You were in an accident
in this neighborhood?
128
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,622
Yeah.
Right outside your office.
129
00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:49,790
Last Tuesday?
130
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,709
Remember?
131
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,335
I called you from
the ambulance and you told me
132
00:04:53,419 --> 00:04:54,920
about your
no-cancellation policy?
133
00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:58,590
Oh, my God.
That could have been me.
134
00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,634
I was gonna move my car
at that moment
135
00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:02,720
for alternate side
of the street parking.
136
00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,055
I could have been killed.
137
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,932
Right. But you didn't
get into a car accident.
138
00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:10,102
I did.
Enough about you, Alexis!
139
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,187
I could have been wiped out.
140
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,815
And then what would I have
to show for my life?
141
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,483
I need a legacy,
and you need to
142
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,152
leave your check
on the chair.
143
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,280
What is my legacy?
144
00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:26,535
Nam myoho renge kyo!
145
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,499
Rental agreement...
you like?
146
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:33,959
Oh, look at you!
You dressed up
147
00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:35,669
for Blues Brothers Night also!
148
00:05:35,753 --> 00:05:38,839
Greg is Elwood tonight,
because I'm switching it up.
149
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,300
Actually, click bait,
I'm dressed for dinner.
150
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,385
We have reservations
at Eleven Madison Park.
151
00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:44,845
But I'm about to take
a bath.
152
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:46,847
You should have told me.
Oh, I did.
153
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,641
Get changed!
I have many surprises in store
154
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,934
for our anniversary.
155
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,312
Arthur, you know my philosophy
about anniversaries.
156
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:55,439
I don't think unmarried
couples have them.
157
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,649
It's too arbitrary.
What are we commemorating?
158
00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:00,319
Our first date, moving in,
anal?
159
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,905
It isn't arbitrary.
Today marks the first time
160
00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,907
you referred to me
as your boyfriend.
161
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,909
Granted, it was to make
your roommate
162
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,160
feel bad about
being single...
163
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,162
Oh, right.
Dead Tooth Lisa.
164
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:12,664
Ooh! The horrors
of the human body.
165
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:15,793
The 25th was the day
you said boyfriend.
166
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,336
It was unforgettable.
167
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,463
And the first time
I felt safe.
168
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,423
But, Arthur, I'm about
to fill the tub up
169
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:22,674
with some hot seltzer.
170
00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:24,593
Can't we just
take a rain check?
171
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,970
No!
God damn it!
172
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,889
This mattered to me
as a couple.
173
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,849
I'm your boyfriend,
not your assistant.
174
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,601
I was gonna surprise you
175
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,561
with a suite
at a fancy hotel,
176
00:06:34,645 --> 00:06:37,356
but I got a better idea--
I'm going myself.
177
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,149
Oh...
178
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,276
if he'd led with the hotel
suite, I would have rallied.
179
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,908
Hey, I said no spicy
mustard on my hot dog!
180
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,410
It ain't spicy, pal!
181
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,537
Oh, fuck you!
I want my money back.
182
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:54,248
Fuck you! You're not
gettin' it back!
183
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,167
Here in New York, that's
considered pillow talk!
184
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:02,005
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Those dumb New Yorkers
185
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,298
are animals!
186
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,469
Speaking of animals,
who wants to see photos
187
00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:11,223
of my pet rats dressed up
in graduation cap and gown?
188
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,976
Billy, I can't with this
today--I need help.
189
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,436
I've already blown up
the microwave
190
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:16,603
and broke my new shower.
191
00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:19,064
Arthur went to that hotel
by himself last night,
192
00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:21,150
and he never even called me.
193
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,736
Wait. Are you in an ad?
194
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,658
That's my free head shot.
195
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,869
They can't do that!
196
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,579
Did you sign a waiver?
197
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,123
Well, the photographer
asked me for my autograph
198
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,125
in case I ever
made it big one day.
199
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:40,919
I'm an idiot!
200
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:45,549
I'm an idiot in an
anti-circumcism ad.
201
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,427
So you did
sign a waiver?
202
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,636
Well, yeah.
203
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,138
But then this fucking
asshole photographer
204
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,890
sold my likeness
to the ad agency.
205
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,016
It's ridiculous!
206
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,767
I even gave him
a thank-you blow job.
207
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,353
Ugh! Nothing in
New York is free.
208
00:07:58,437 --> 00:07:59,813
Was it good, at least?
How was his dick?
209
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:00,981
Confusing.
210
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,275
And then this waiver
is insane.
211
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,986
Listen to this. "This agency
can use my likeness
212
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,071
"in all media that has
or hasn't yet been invented
213
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,531
"throughout the universe,
in eternity,
214
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,658
and whatever else
may come after eternity."
215
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,494
The only time
Godless Hollywood
216
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,787
ever evokes the afterlife
is in its paperwork.
217
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,956
Meanwhile, still no Arthur,
and this apartment
218
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,000
is a bigger mess than
How To Get Away With Murder.
219
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,710
I ordered a Chore Rabbit
to help.
220
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,629
Mr. Epstein?
Todd's ready for you.
221
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,507
All right, I gotta go.
Time to play struggling actor
222
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:27,841
that doesn't know any better.
223
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,760
Ah, the ol' "Sharon Lawrence."
224
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,846
I miss Dennis Franz's ass.
Bye.
225
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,182
So you see, as an actor
starting out,
226
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,975
this anti-circumcism
campaign,
227
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:39,645
it could really limit my
opportunities down the road.
228
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:40,812
Do you know what I mean?
229
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,773
Like the Old Spice hot guy
in the towel?
230
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,650
Oh. Yeah, he was
definitely hot.
231
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,276
Yeah. He was really hot.
232
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,070
Oh, did you go to Yale?
233
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:49,363
Yeah. Did you?
234
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,740
I did!
Hey!
235
00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:54,409
Whoa!
Well...
236
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:55,786
since you're a fellow
Yalie...
237
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,247
Oh, my God,
thank you so much.
238
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,457
I really appreciate
anything that you can do.
239
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,834
I'll let you use my phone.
I'm sorry.
240
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:05,504
To call a lawyer to
get you out of your contract.
241
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,339
But good luck,
'cause that shit is airtight.
242
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,632
You're not gonna
help me out here?
243
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,009
What's that expression,
that...
244
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,220
No.
What the fuck?
245
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,596
Why are you being
such a dick?
246
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:15,681
Hey, it's not my fault
247
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,140
you signed something
without reading it.
248
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,600
Okay, so let me
get this straight.
249
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:20,644
Your ad agency
tricks broke actors
250
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,105
into becoming your models?
That is so sad.
251
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,107
Oh, but nothing's sad
about needing free head shots?
252
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,526
They're like 40 bucks.
Or blow the photographer.
253
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,902
Eew! Villain.
254
00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:32,072
Fine! We'll have to
figure this out another way.
255
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,949
Yeah?
Yeah. And by the way,
256
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,617
great ad agency you have here.
257
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,578
I seem to forget
the episode of Mad Men
258
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:40,581
where Don Draper
books the big
anti-circumcism campaign.
259
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,457
It's inspired
an entire movement!
260
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:43,792
Men march down the streets
261
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:46,253
being vocal about how bad they
feel about their cocks.
262
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,546
Oh, good for you.
263
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,798
You've given Reddit users
something to do outside.
264
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,092
Well, on the plus side,
the "Nobody Asked Me" campaign
265
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,969
is more exposure
than you'll ever get,
266
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,887
you sad 40-year-old waiter.
267
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,348
I'm 36,
and the joke's on you,
268
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,434
because Olympia Dukakis
didn't get her big break
269
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,685
until she was 64!
270
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,395
You're just embarrassing
yourself.
271
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,439
Says the 40-something
in skinny jeans.
272
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,274
38, and they're slim fit.
And I'm calling security.
273
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,526
Good! Call security.
What do I care?
274
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,279
I'm the fucking
anti-circumcism guy now!
275
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,281
Fuck you!
This isn't over.
276
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,575
I couldn't agree more.
Hey, fuck you!
277
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,201
Hey, fuck you!
Fuck you!
278
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,286
Fuck you.
279
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,707
Perfect!
What's perfect?
280
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,876
That sexy-ass scene
in Cocoon
281
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,502
where Don Ameche
and Wilford Brimley
282
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:28,712
do a water ballet?
283
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,757
No, you asshole
with a stereotype attached.
284
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,343
No, I'm finally using Facebook
for the way it was intended.
285
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,303
Sharing that sexy-ass scene
from Cocoon
286
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,305
where Don Ameche and Wilford
Brimley do a water ballet?
287
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,723
No!
288
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,559
I'm linking to a fake page
to get revenge on this guy.
289
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:45,103
"Recovery group
for Yale sex offenders,
290
00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:46,521
"and founder
and president Todd
291
00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:48,857
has gone 13 days
without an offense!"
292
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,901
Why not kill him
with kindness?
293
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,612
When they go low,
you go high.
294
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,238
It always works.
295
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,573
Send him
an Edible Arrangement.
296
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:57,866
Ooh! Blind item.
297
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,452
I once had an edible
arrangement with Clive Davis.
298
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,621
Holy shit! Todd must have
seen the page.
299
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,873
He just wrote back.
"Bad move, old waiter.
300
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,458
You're punching above
your weight."
301
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,418
But how is that possible?
302
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,253
I-I mean,
who's above your weight?
303
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,298
Matthew, you make Peter Tolan
and Milo Yiannopoulos
304
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:15,300
look like the best
we have to offer.
305
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,346
Who is it?
It's Rick from Chore Rabbit.
306
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,807
Wow, already?
That was fast.
307
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:23,433
I just ordered you.
Well, you know,
308
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:24,935
we're not "chore turtles."
309
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,482
Let's take a look around.
310
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,609
Wow.
Uh-huh.
311
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,195
I know, it's pretty bad.
312
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,114
But my boyfriend's
usually the one who cleans,
313
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,033
and I'm the...well,
I'm the funny, arty one.
314
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,286
You hush. You don't ever
have to apologize to me
315
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,705
or explain yourself to me.
316
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:47,290
You ask...and I do.
317
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,418
And I want nothing in return.
318
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:50,669
Wow, amazing!
319
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,088
If I remembered your name,
I would thank you personally,
320
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172
so...instead I say,
321
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:56,049
Rabbit, where have
you been all my life?
322
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,009
Waiting for you to call,
323
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,594
Choremistress.
324
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:05,892
So the first thing is, um,
my showerhead is broken,
325
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:07,477
if you don't mind
taking a look at that.
326
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:08,562
I've been having to use
327
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,896
the ladies' room
at Red Lobster
328
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,398
and wipe down my privates
with a wet nap.
329
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:14,651
The ol' "Sharon Lawrence,"
right? I get it.
330
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,820
And then I have
some laundry as well,
331
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,155
and I'm actually kinda hungry.
332
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,158
Is there any...rule against
ordering more than one Rabbit?
333
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,910
No, that's fine--just push
multiply on the app.
334
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,830
We're here to serve only...
you.
335
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,758
Ms. Ford.
Veronica.
336
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:39,092
Veronica.
337
00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:42,137
Veron--Well, it's very hard
talking to you like this.
338
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,181
I start every day
upside down.
339
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,349
It gets the blood out of
my heart and into my head
340
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,185
where it belongs.
Alex!
341
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,478
Spin me!
342
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,482
Ohh...
343
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:55,942
Be gone!
344
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,779
Officious little queen.
345
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:01,573
Okay, so what is wrong
with my daughter?
346
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,450
You told my assistant
that she may be at risk
347
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:04,910
of harming herself or others?
348
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,953
Yes. And as a mental health
professional,
349
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,873
I take my duty to warn
very seriously.
350
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:13,043
Alexis was at risk of harming
millions of potential readers
351
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,921
when she refused to give you
my book proposal.
352
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:18,965
By the way,
I have a book proposal.
353
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,133
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
354
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,594
Actually,
I have more to say.
Actually, no, you don't.
355
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:23,970
Actually--
Actually,
356
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:25,722
you're never going to
out-actually me,
357
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,098
so stop.
358
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,601
I only sell titles
that dazzle
359
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,895
by authors with buzz:
"Dress For the Job you Want
360
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,814
Or the Blowjob
Your Boss Wants,"
361
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,149
by Roger Ailes.
Rest in power, Rog.
362
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:40,362
"Oops, If I Did It Again.
The OJ 'What If?' sequel"?
363
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:41,738
No one knows who you are.
364
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:44,032
You're in my office,
and I don't know who you are.
365
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,617
Well, once my book
is published,
366
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,202
everyone will know who I am.
367
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,788
I am going to be like doctors
Phil, Laura, and Oz
368
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:52,040
all combined in a tight
little package.
369
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:54,042
Thank you, Pilates,
and strength of character.
370
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,211
Let's discuss
strength of character.
371
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,838
You had the nerve
to get in here
372
00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,298
by lying about my daughter's
mental health.
373
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,635
That is a total...
cunt move.
374
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:05,929
I love cunt moves.
375
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:10,100
I respect them
and the cunts that move them!
376
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,476
Namaste.
377
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,563
So I'm gonna give you
some free advice.
378
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,857
Every famous shrink
has a catchphrase.
379
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,650
Keep talking.
I'm getting very aroused.
380
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:19,943
Normal or not normal?
381
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,403
I'm the wrong person to ask.
382
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,530
I have to think about plane
crashes to achieve orgasm.
383
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:24,823
Mm-hmm.
384
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:26,783
So do you have a catchphrase?
385
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,326
Yes, of course I do.
386
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:32,455
I...say a phrase
at the end of every session.
387
00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:34,040
Um...
388
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:36,835
"That's amore!"
Awful.
389
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,671
Come up with a good
catchphrase,
390
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,464
and I'll give you
a book deal.
391
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:42,591
Now, get out.
392
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,051
I've gotta Skype with
the Boston Marathon bomber
393
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,720
about his new YA series.
394
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:49,723
Hey, how's your little
feudy-dude thing going?
395
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,683
Did the internet
revenge thing work?
396
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,268
I think so.
I haven't heard a peep
397
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:54,686
outta that asshole since.
398
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,813
I'm just glad to have
all the negativity behind me.
399
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,690
Oh, speaking of
negativity behind me,
400
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,025
did I ever tell you
about the time
401
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,568
Gore Vidal came on my back?
402
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:02,861
Matthew!
Billy.
403
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:04,237
Nate! Oh, this is fun.
404
00:15:04,321 --> 00:15:05,405
Billy!
405
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:10,368
He put me in another ad?!
406
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,454
Are you fucking kidding me?
407
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,122
I must have a selfie!
408
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,541
Oh, come here,
Billy Billboard!
409
00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:17,751
Come to Matty!
410
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,419
Here, Billy!
411
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:20,921
Here, Billy--
412
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,175
Is there anything else
we can do for you?
413
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,761
Maybe just some
personal space.
414
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:28,970
No offense, Rabbit.
415
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:32,349
I'm used to one person
doing all of this for me.
416
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,683
Arthur can do it all.
417
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,852
He's like Justin Timberlake
418
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,563
without having to constantly
prove that he's funny.
419
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,484
Sounds like
somebody wants to eat
420
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:45,528
some brown sugah
out of the box!
421
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,697
Brown sugahhhhh!
422
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,282
Ha ha ha.
423
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,410
It's coming, honey.
424
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,457
Todd, there is a fourth
guy here to see you.
425
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:58,875
You might wanna come out here.
426
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,001
Is he coming?
427
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,837
I'm, like, needing it
hard and raw--Jimmy Jonny,
428
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,255
Jimmy Jonny, Jimmy Jonny.
429
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:05,382
Jimmy Jonny--
What is it?
430
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,549
They say they answered
your ad.
431
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,093
What ad?
432
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,012
Oh, my God, yes!
What the fuck?
433
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,598
Yeah! There's that
dirty party boy!
434
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:17,018
"Tina pass around party
bottom needs raw loads now"?
435
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,478
I didn't write this ad.
If I had,
436
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,729
the copy'd be snappier.
437
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,564
Then who did?
I wanna fuck!
438
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,317
Old Waiter.
439
00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:27,779
And then I keep
trying to drive
440
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:30,573
since the accident,
but I'm terrified.
441
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,368
Well, I have a little
saying about fear.
442
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:36,788
Fear is just something...
not near.
443
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,542
Fear...is not here.
444
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,168
Be not near, fear.
445
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,212
For I am here.
446
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,172
What?
No, I'm sorry, Alexis.
447
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:47,257
Please continue.
448
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:50,260
No, wait--not continue.
449
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,971
Contin-you.
Y-o-u.
450
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:54,931
Oh, that is good.
But part of me wonders
451
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,558
if the accident
was just me subconsciously
452
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,226
trying to get my mom
to pay attention to me.
453
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,437
That's a very interesting
concept.
454
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,230
But seems
a little complicated.
455
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:05,316
Try thinking about that
in quick, marketable sentences
456
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,819
like...how would you
blame your mother
457
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,779
in a more...pithy way?
458
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:12,782
Yoo-hoo, Rabbit.
459
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,492
I want a...
460
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:17,162
Actually, that sounds good.
I want a Yoo-Hoo.
461
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,621
Yes, Rabbitmistress.
462
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,749
But I've laid some snacks
out for you.
463
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:23,418
Why don't you come out
and take a look?
464
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:26,963
Not a fan of
walking to snacks, Rabbit.
465
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,301
Hi. Um...
466
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,428
why don't you come over
and sit down
467
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,221
and put your feet on me?
468
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,349
Where are the other Rabbits?
I sent them away.
469
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,226
You said there were
too many people here.
470
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,936
Well, there's still
one too many.
471
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,022
But Rabbitmistress,
I'm not a people.
472
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,982
I'm a human table.
473
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,942
Use me as you will.
474
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,611
Now, why don't you
get over here,
475
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,363
put your feet on me,
and eat your fucking snacks.
476
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,543
Oh, God.
477
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:08,004
Everybody's got
a catchphrase but me.
478
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:11,716
"Me."
What about "me"?
479
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,635
Don't leave me out.
480
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,637
Hey, me, it's me!
481
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,055
Ugh!
482
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,808
Oh, God, please let this
be a protest
483
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,351
and not an ethnic parade.
484
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,186
No one asked me!
485
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,479
No one asked me!
"No one asked me."
486
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:25,605
No one asked--
487
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:27,649
No one asked me!
488
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,068
That's it!
489
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,986
Condolences to your cocks,
490
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:33,988
but I have my catchphrase.
491
00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,406
No one asked me.
492
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:37,659
Wait a minute--Billy?
493
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,832
You!
You!
494
00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,543
Our lobby has bedbugs because
of those tweakers you sent.
495
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:47,919
You made me the face
of Syphilis.
496
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,546
This isn't even close
to being even!
497
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,256
Dude, I'm no longer
welcome at the Yale Club.
498
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:52,382
They think I'm a sex offender.
499
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,508
What'd I ever do to you?
500
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,510
Huh? Besides get free
head shots?
501
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,887
Oh, my God, I am over
you hot actor types
502
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,681
thinking that the world
owes you something.
503
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,850
Well, maybe the world
does owe me something!
504
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,602
Wait. You think I'm a hot
actor type?
505
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:05,770
What are you doing here?
506
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,731
I was gonna plant
this KKK robe
507
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,901
and this...Trump/Pence
sticker in your office
508
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,154
so that your coworkers think
you're a racist piece of shit
509
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:15,238
and you get fired.
510
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,615
No way.
I was pissed!
511
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:20,285
No, I mean, I was
on the way to the cafe
512
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:21,786
to do the same thing.
513
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:24,038
Wait a second.
How'd you know where I work?
514
00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,915
I might have Facebook
stalked you a little bit.
515
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:29,627
Brilliant idea,
the Yale Group thing.
516
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,546
And 13 days
since my last offense:
517
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:32,839
very nice detail.
518
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,966
I may have Facebook stalked
you a little bit too.
519
00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:36,926
Looked like you had
a fun time in Cabo.
520
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,179
Ah, I needed a vacation
from that vacation.
521
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:41,764
Aw, see, I hate
when people say that.
522
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,141
Me, too!
That was a test!
523
00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,935
You're really fucked up.
You know that?
524
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,645
You're really fucked up.
525
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,860
And here in New York,
526
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,737
that's considered
pillow talk!
527
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:58,990
Come on!
528
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:04,162
No, no, no, no, no.
Stop moving around.
529
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,496
Just relax-eat.
530
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,832
Uh...oh...
That's right.
531
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,709
Too much spicy mustard
on the hot dog!
532
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,794
This is not what I wanted.
533
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,213
You know what's next.
534
00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,131
Your seltzer bubble bath.
535
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,175
I used diet Cola syrup.
536
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,968
Before you get in,
I'll put a lemon wedge in
537
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,720
so you know it's not
regular Coke.
538
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,972
I don't want a bath.
I want Arthur!
539
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,141
What the hell?
Pixy Stix pour!
540
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,479
Arthur, help!
This Chore Rabbit
541
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,065
is a doormat submissive into
non-consensual humiliation,
542
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:34,317
and he's pampering me
against my will!
543
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,443
You're a liar!
544
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:37,487
Hey, get away
from my girlfriend, Rabbit,
545
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,780
or I'll treat you respectfully
546
00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:40,114
and insist on paying you
for your time.
547
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:43,576
Come on!
O-Okay. Hey...
548
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:44,953
How 'bout really quick,
you guys just
549
00:20:45,036 --> 00:20:47,330
roll me up in the carpet here
and take turns stepping on me?
550
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:48,456
Not today, buddy.
No!
551
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,250
Come on, let's go.
All right.
552
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,335
Jeez. Um, hey, pal,
553
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:54,003
what about 200 bucks
554
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,297
to let me clean your toilet
with my face?
555
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,758
I can do that.
Find an online community.
556
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:00,176
Okay...
Out!
557
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,011
"Out"!
Leave the apartment.
558
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,889
I am leaving the apartment.
Okay.
559
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,058
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
560
00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:08,977
You were right, I was wrong.
561
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,938
I don't want a manservant.
I want you.
562
00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:14,774
Really?
Yes, really.
563
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:16,067
Oh, thank God.
564
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,112
I tried to enjoy myself
alone at the hotel,
565
00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:21,406
but by the second day,
I found myself
trailing a maid,
566
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:22,699
helping her turn down beds.
567
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,742
And after she tried
to Taser me,
568
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:26,577
I realized,
"I shouldn't be here!
569
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,414
"I'm happiest at home!
570
00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:31,457
Taking care of you."
571
00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,376
Remember when you said
that our anniversary
572
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,044
was a day that you felt safe
573
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:36,421
and that you'll always
remember it?
574
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,381
You remember that?
Yeah.
575
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,341
I...made space in my brain
576
00:21:40,425 --> 00:21:42,719
after deleting the lyrics
of a Spin Doctors song.
577
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:44,345
Anyway, I was thinking,
578
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:46,806
I feel safe today, now,
579
00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:49,267
and I'll certainly
never forget this.
580
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:51,269
So we just make today
our anniversary.
581
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:52,895
I think that sounds perfect.
582
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,398
I blew up the microwave
583
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,233
and both dogs are missing.
584
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:58,776
Let's make love.
585
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:04,574
I'm glad things worked out
with you and Arthur.
586
00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:06,409
Yeah, me, too.
Although I forgot
587
00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:08,328
what our new
anniversary is already.
588
00:22:08,411 --> 00:22:09,912
I'm sure he'll remind me.
What about you?
589
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:11,914
Are you gonna
see Todd again?
Tomorrow night.
590
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:12,999
Really?
Yeah.
591
00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:14,792
He's not too nice, is he?
592
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:17,670
He's...the worst.
593
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:19,756
Oh, Billy,
I'm so happy for you!
594
00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,177
Just, uh, don't look
over there.
595
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,679
What?
Just don't look over there.
596
00:22:31,601 --> 00:22:33,311
It's hard to see them
together.
597
00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:35,021
Hey, where are you going?
598
00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:37,732
Oh, please, like you've never
met a guy with syphilis
599
00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:39,442
who wishes he was uncut!
600
00:22:40,234 --> 00:22:42,278
Oh, you're leaving now too?
What a loss!
601
00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,615
My friend's dick is great.
It's more than great!
602
00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:47,742
Good, now I can spread out.
603
00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:50,203
I can spread my syphilis dick
out all over the train!
604
00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:52,288
And I can air out
my clitoral hood!
605
00:22:56,459 --> 00:22:57,919
Todd and I made out outside.
606
00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,462
You did?
Yeah!
607
00:23:00,630 --> 00:23:02,215
Thought it'd be easy
608
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:04,926
Thought they didn't know
609
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,721
You thought it was
the only way to go
610
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:12,767
Another way out
611
00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:15,186
Found on the way home
612
00:23:15,269 --> 00:23:17,146
Thought you were
living fast
613
00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:19,524
But you were living slow
614
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:36,207
La la la la!
615
00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:37,750
Oh, my God!
45214
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof