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1
00:00:01,252 --> 00:00:03,671
CBS presents
a live televised
musical event,
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,297
Sunday in the Park
with George,
3
00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:07,591
starring the cast of
The Big Bang Theory!
4
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,515
Resist!
Impeach!
5
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,142
Stop this abomination!
6
00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:17,935
Don't ruin
our favorite show!
7
00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,147
Fuck you, Bazinga!
8
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,273
No Bazinga!
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,903
Twenty hours
of community service
10
00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,780
is ridiculous
for what we did.
11
00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,407
If we hadn't
stormed that stage,
12
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,868
people could have
thought that it reflected
Sondheim's intentions.
13
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,911
Community service
is so degrading.
14
00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:37,705
How do you think
Boy George
got through it?
15
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:38,956
Poppers.
16
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,249
Hey, what time is it?
17
00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,585
I need to make my annual
insurance-less pilgrimage
18
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:44,670
to the old therapist
at my college clinic.
19
00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:47,923
You still go to
the free student clinic
for antidepressants?
20
00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:51,010
Ever since I gained
my Freshman 1,500.
21
00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,887
You know, when Josh Gad
optioned my article,
22
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:55,264
I thought I had a chance
at real medical care.
23
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:58,017
But then that fell through,
and now I need my increase
24
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,435
before the holiday.
25
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,645
Ah, yes.
The Passover Bump.
26
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,315
SSRIs are like my own
chemical Moses,
27
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,358
getting me through
a family Seder.
28
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:08,277
Hey!
29
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,280
Do you two outside
janitors know where
the Trump statue is?
30
00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:14,617
Yeah, sure,
and we'd love to tell you.
31
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,827
What you're gonna wanna do
is just...
32
00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:24,752
"I waited over an hour
for my food
33
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:28,631
"but got no help from the
elderly gay man with stubble
34
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,841
"or the unhinged blonde
35
00:01:30,925 --> 00:01:33,135
"with a lot to say
about Area 51."
36
00:01:33,219 --> 00:01:35,805
Fucking transphobic
Yelp reviewer!
37
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:38,182
Look, now that there's a sound
stage in the neighborhood,
38
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,227
daytime TV producers
want their food fast.
39
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,437
Oh, God forbid Wendy Williams
or Maury's assistant
40
00:01:43,521 --> 00:01:45,022
needs to wait
for their eggs.
41
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:46,524
I've come up
with a plan.
42
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,067
It's called
the Nine-Minute Lunch.
43
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:49,235
I think I got
one of those
44
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,153
in the bathroom
of the Phoenix once.
Ugh!
45
00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:52,363
Trash!
46
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:55,199
Look, lunch will be
on the table
in nine minutes,
47
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,283
or it's free.
48
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:59,120
Well, this is
the worst day ever.
49
00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,496
Why? Did Joel Grey's lawyer
50
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,540
serve you with another
restraining order?
51
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,000
Leave that bisexual
octogenarian alone.
52
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:08,254
Joke's on you,
my parents are dead!
53
00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:09,797
My God, are you okay?
What happened?
54
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,674
Is that them in those urns?
55
00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:13,759
No, I'm not okay.
56
00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:15,177
They were murdered
at Dollywood,
57
00:02:15,261 --> 00:02:18,305
and these are just
two-for-one vases
I got on sale.
58
00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:21,225
Even in my darkest hour,
I can't pass up a bargain.
59
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,435
Honey, are you sure you
wanna be at work today?
60
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:24,520
Probably not.
61
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,522
I'm the emotional
equivalent of bareback.
62
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,065
Oh, he gets
the day off,
63
00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,817
but Transarella
has to scrub the floor?
64
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,569
I swear, if I have to hear
one more sis person
65
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,529
complain about their life,
I'm gonna kill myself!
66
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:36,615
Matthew, I know we're
not friends or anything.
67
00:02:36,699 --> 00:02:38,284
And that we don't even
like each other.
68
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,662
But my parents died too,
so if you ever need to...
69
00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:43,038
Monologue?
Thank you.
70
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:44,832
'Twas a Tuesday,
71
00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:47,960
so naturally
Meemaw and Peepaw
were down at Dollywood.
72
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:49,628
Well, there was one last
funnel cake
73
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,422
at the Lil' Loggers
Landing ride,
74
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,757
and my parents died
in the shootout.
75
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,051
I, I'm sorry.
Do white people usually
die like this?
76
00:02:56,135 --> 00:02:57,428
Yes.
77
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,597
Tennessee is
a mandatory carry state.
78
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,973
And now I have
to go down there
79
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,725
to identify
the funnel cake!
80
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:05,936
Does anybody
have a gun I can borrow?
81
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,189
Oh, hey, okay, come on.
82
00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:10,357
Come on.
You'll always be my baby.
83
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:12,526
Oh, my real baby's crying.
84
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:16,363
Hey!
Oh, you okay?
Hey.
85
00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:17,656
Hi.
Hey, fella.
86
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,283
Like I said,
87
00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:22,703
I know we're not friends
or anything, but...
88
00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,164
Yeah.
This sale...
89
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,958
did it include furniture?
90
00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:31,337
Depression,
91
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,672
it follows you everywhere
like a shadow.
92
00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,383
Ridshadovan treats
moderate-to-severe depression.
93
00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:39,887
Call your doctor if you're
experiencing suicidal thoughts
94
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,805
that are dissimilar
to the suicidal thoughts
95
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,265
you usually experience
day-to-day.
96
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:45,809
In the dark...
97
00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:51,565
Hey, Mom,
have you heard
of Ridshadovan?
98
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,735
Heard of them? They sent me
a mouse pad and a pubic comb.
99
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,362
Now that I've had
my house renovated,
100
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,405
I want everything
to look perfect.
101
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,658
Speaking of that,
what are you
wearing to the Seder?
102
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,369
I have some notes about
last year's outfit.
103
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,788
I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
104
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,915
You also don't dress
for your complexion.
105
00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,291
Okay, here's who's coming,
106
00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:11,126
and here's what not
to talk to them about.
107
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,962
Uncle Tobey, the ACLU.
108
00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:14,672
Cousin Harry, women.
109
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,883
And as for that angel of
death herself, Aunt Bonnie...
110
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,510
Oh, shit.
What is it this year?
111
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,345
Her on-again
cocaine addiction.
112
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,806
Ugh! Like we need
that bitch to be even
more of an asshole.
113
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,183
God, I hate
that fuckin' bitch!
114
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,310
Me too. I like that
we're getting along...
115
00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:31,105
Moving on. Here's what
not to talk to me about.
116
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,273
Number one, Arthur.
117
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,774
Number two,
Arthur's drinking.
Kessler?
118
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,776
Yes. That's me.
119
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,113
Just a... 17-year-old
120
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,322
college student.
121
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,409
See you girls
at the quad later.
122
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:46,036
We can talk about
vampire novels!
123
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,122
Listen, here's why I'm here.
124
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,416
My serotonin
is in the serotoilet,
125
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,502
and I'm gonna need
you to kick my meds up
a notch.
126
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,838
Oh. Let's see what
you're currently taking.
127
00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,133
Uh...
128
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,467
They still make that?
129
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:02,761
Yikes!
130
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:05,681
Oh, yoy, yoy.
Skimming, skimming.
131
00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:08,100
Skimming.
How 'bout Ridshadovan?
132
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,811
Can we add a splash of that
mixer to the cocktail?
133
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,604
What do you think?
Why not?
134
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,649
They sent me a fanny pack
and a whoopee cushion.
135
00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:16,817
Sounds legit!
136
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,448
It's, uh, Kessler.
137
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:25,034
K-E-S-S-L-E-R.
138
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,493
Hello!
139
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,750
Oh, my God,
she's dead.
140
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:36,587
She died right
in front of me.
141
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,763
I just
want the pad.
142
00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:49,516
Fuckin' rigor mortis
setting in already!
143
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,728
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?
144
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,106
Have a nice day!
145
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:07,910
Can you find me
146
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,454
In the dark?
147
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,832
This is what's called
a grab-bag call.
148
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,876
It's one audition
that we can apply
149
00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,753
to hundreds
of opportunities.
150
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,047
There's so much
content now,
151
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,758
individual auditions
are just not practical.
152
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:25,052
Yeah. Everyone who used to
say, "I don't have a TV,"
153
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,804
are now saying,
"There are too many shows!"
154
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,558
I, I'm sorry.
So I do this one audition,
155
00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:32,935
and then I'm eligible
for what?
156
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,853
Well, let's see what's
on the menu today.
157
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,689
Oh, a recurring on a Seeso
crime procedural.
158
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:40,359
Seeso?
It's on the computer.
159
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,195
Uh, late-night
warm-up comic.
160
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,114
Kevin James's brother.
161
00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:46,907
Oh, sperm donor
to my sister,
162
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,200
who's gonna be
my surrogate
163
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,660
once she pays
her dog's ransom.
164
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,537
You kidnapped
your sister's dog?
165
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,247
I kidnapped
my sister's dog.
166
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:56,041
I need her
to be my surrogate.
167
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:57,668
You know how many
kids she has?
168
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,711
Three.
You know how many I have?
169
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:00,838
Minus two.
170
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,924
So I'll be Charla,
you be Dave,
171
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:06,385
and, uh, let's just
have fun with it.
172
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,220
"Dave, wow.
173
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,722
"I thought you'd never come
visit me in the hospital."
174
00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,890
I'm leaving you.
175
00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,392
Fuck you!
176
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,644
Hi. Welcome to
the Quiznos Qlinic.
177
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:16,770
Sandwiches or health care?
178
00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,855
Oh, I'm getting a sandwich.
179
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,440
She's seeing
the psychopharmacologist.
180
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,733
Yeah. I have enough
Toasty Points to see
a doctor for free.
181
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,360
Great.
He's just finishing up
with a patient.
182
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,486
White or wheat?
183
00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:25,571
Uh, white, please,
184
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,489
eight inch, turkey ranch,
and Swiss. Thanks.
185
00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:28,824
Sounds good.
God, I can't get over
186
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,534
how weird it is
that the best health care
187
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:31,952
in New York City
is at a Quiznos.
188
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:34,204
Well ever since Trump replaced
the Department of Health
189
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,540
with Jenny McCarthy's blog,
nothing makes sense.
190
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,001
Doctors have to do whatever
they can to earn a living.
191
00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,419
Um, the doctor's
ready for you now.
192
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,212
Thanks.
Have fun!
193
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:44,298
Hi.
194
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,466
Julia Kessler?
195
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,552
Uh... looking at your
blood test results,
196
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,637
I assume you're here
to wean yourself off
197
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,307
the toxic levels
of psychotropic meds
in your body?
198
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,892
Wait, what?
No, no, no, no, no.
199
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,477
I'm here for more
antidepressants.
200
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,187
You see,
Passover is coming,
201
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,189
like winter on
Game of Thrones,
I assume,
202
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:01,398
and I need more drugs
203
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,150
so I can survive my family
during the holidays.
204
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,652
If I give you
more antidepressants,
you'll die.
205
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,821
Your blood
is technically a foam.
206
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,573
So... I, I'm sorry.
What are you saying?
207
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,033
You're not gonna give me
any more drugs?
208
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,117
No.
209
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:13,785
Fuck you!
210
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:19,124
Heller?
211
00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:20,542
Good afternoont!
212
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:22,503
Billy Epstein?
Congratulations.
213
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:23,629
You booked a role.
214
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,172
Oh, my God! Which one?
215
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,674
First I need to read you
the roles you did not get,
216
00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:29,009
starting alphabetically.
217
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,845
AMA Awards Red Carpet host,
218
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,805
Annette Bening's
butt double...
219
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,140
Can you just tell me
which one I got?
220
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:39,102
Interesting way
of gathering information,
but okay, I'll bite.
221
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,355
Larry Wilmore has a new
late-night talk show,
222
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,566
and you're the warm-up comic
for his studio audience!
223
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:47,486
Okay!
All right, amazing!
224
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,614
Um... but I, I'm sorry.
Can you tell me,
225
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,491
did Annette Bening's
butt double people
226
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,326
have any notes
for next time?
227
00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:56,828
Extended Release,
how was the doctor?
228
00:08:56,912 --> 00:08:59,498
Horrible. I maxed out
on antidepressants.
229
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:02,084
But it's Passover.
Yeah, I know.
230
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,670
How am I supposed
to get through Seder
without my little helper?
231
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,213
How'd you know
I was going out of town?
232
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:09,299
No, no, no,
I meant little helper,
like slang for drugs.
233
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,843
Like black beauties
or Imagine Dragons.
234
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,428
Or bennies.
Bennies burritos.
235
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,305
Dexies.
Dexys Midnight Runners.
236
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,266
Uppers, downers,
EastEnders, Skins,
237
00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,434
Winonas, Puerto Rican
French fries,
238
00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:23,105
Liza with a Zs, ludes,
crude ludes with attitudes.
239
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:24,731
You're going out of town?
240
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:25,941
I just found out.
241
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,067
Jesus Christ, Arthur!
242
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,361
I haven't had to sit through
a family Seder by myself
243
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,988
since I was
a witch in college.
244
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,990
You know I depend on
my mother's hatred of you
245
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,117
to pull focus off
my own wrongdoings.
246
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,620
And I love being
your human shield,
but due to budget cuts,
247
00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:40,914
PBS had to relocate
all our productions.
248
00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:42,666
Please tell me
you're not going to LA.
249
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,668
I wish! Louisiana
was too expensive.
250
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,628
No, from here on in,
we're shooting everything
251
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:49,423
at Burt Reynolds'
old dinner theater
in Jupiter, Florida.
252
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:52,801
Oh, Jesus, Arthur!
Why is this happening?
253
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,261
I'll be back
before you know it,
254
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,221
and Billy will be
at the Seder.
Yeah.
255
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,142
Hey.
Good news, bad news.
256
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:01,727
I'm warming up
for Larry Wilmore,
257
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:02,978
and I can't come to Seder.
258
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,354
Oh, fuck!
259
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,690
Wait, which is which?
260
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,943
Thanks for volunteering here
at the children's hospital.
261
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:12,487
Well, it was mandatory,
as part of our community
service requirement.
262
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:15,032
But it's nice to finally have
a pair of shoes that fits me.
263
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,950
You're gonna
brighten up some lives!
264
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:20,454
These kids are at an age
where they don't know yet
to be scared of clowns.
265
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:24,541
I want a clown name,
you know, just a big,
goofy, harmless clown,
266
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:25,959
someone who doesn't
upset anybody,
267
00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:28,128
totally unmemorable,
no edge.
268
00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:31,840
Hey, kid. I'm Go-Go!
269
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,467
And I'm Mario Lopez.
270
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:37,638
And we're here
to make your last hours
on Earth a little sillier!
271
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,688
So do you have any jokes?
272
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:48,440
Maybe we can read you
some of our tweets.
273
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,941
Oh, that's a good idea.
'Cause we've written
those already.
274
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,234
Yeah, yeah.
Those are already
out there.
275
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,694
Yeah, exactly.
You can't steal them.
276
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:55,781
Uh... no.
Too obscure.
277
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,033
Oh, here's one.
You know Elmo, right?
278
00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,743
Here's one about the guy
who played Elmo.
279
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:00,994
Oh, no, no.
Maybe no tweets.
280
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,205
Hey, kid, um...
281
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:06,124
how long did the doctor
give you to live?
282
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:07,918
I have a broken leg.
283
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:09,878
From the cancer?
284
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:12,214
No. I went
on a ski trip.
285
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,549
You're not dying?
And you're rich?
286
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:15,884
Oh, fuck this!
287
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,719
Ooh, chocolates.
288
00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,429
Hey, that's mine.
289
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,431
Yeah. Come over
and stop me.
290
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,185
Are you clowns
gonna do anything?
291
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:26,937
I'll sign
your fucking cast.
292
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,440
You know what we can do
to fill the time?
Hmm?
293
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,359
We can
brainstorm some ways
294
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:34,486
for you not to jump off
the ledge during Seder.
295
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:37,948
Okay. Non-pharmaceutical
ways of dealing with stress.
296
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,785
My mom goes to our
Sausalito house sometimes
to meditate with Oprah.
297
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,912
Oh, shut up,
Baby Warbucks.
Wait a minute.
298
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:45,247
Meditation, though?
299
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,124
That's just napping, right?
I can do that!
300
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,501
You need to get yourself
one of those meditation apps.
301
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:52,003
That way, you can be
one of those people who feels
superior to other people
302
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,088
because you meditate.
303
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,423
Yes, brilliant.
I'll try it.
304
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,967
Okay, great news, kid,
I left you all the creams
and jellies
305
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,176
in this chocolate
assortment.
306
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,594
Bad news,
I'm taking the rest of it.
307
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:01,388
Look! Mario Lopez
signed your cast.
308
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,186
No. No.
309
00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,564
17.99? Really?
310
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,607
You still owe me ten bucks
for Inland Empire.
311
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,068
No. Ooh!
312
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:20,782
Hey, it's me, Danny Aiello.
313
00:12:20,866 --> 00:12:22,242
Are you ready to meditate?
314
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,827
Yeah!
What a coincidence.
315
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,955
So the hell am I.
Okay, pally, do me a favor
316
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,249
and get yourself
in a comfortable position
317
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,126
and take some deep breaths.
318
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,007
There you go.
319
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,845
And now, we are back.
320
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,680
How do you feel?
321
00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:46,600
Pretty relaxed, huh?
Atta girl!
322
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:50,520
Now you're all meditated,
with me, Danny Aiello.
323
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:51,605
Bye!
324
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,776
Happy Passover, Mom.
325
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,612
Julie, why are you late?
326
00:12:58,695 --> 00:12:59,738
You know, it's funny.
327
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,532
I've been losing track of time
since I started meditating.
328
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:03,950
And I've been
losing money too.
329
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,202
Is that how that works?
330
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,953
As a mental health
profession...
Okay, enough!
331
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,998
Your father is stuck
on the BQE
with a fruit platter.
332
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:11,958
I told him to put Waze
on the phone.
333
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,377
He says, "No. It takes up
too much memory."
334
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,380
What's he doing on his phone,
making documentaries?
335
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,512
Oh, fuck.
336
00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:25,472
Hi, Aunt Bonnie!
337
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,766
Hi, Julie.
338
00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:29,434
Marilyn.
339
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,311
Hello, Bonnie.
340
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:32,854
You're looking
very well.
341
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:35,398
It's natural to expect
a little weight gain,
342
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,025
considering all the damage
343
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,152
the cocaine's done
to your metabolism.
344
00:13:39,236 --> 00:13:41,988
Oh, don't worry.
I'll work it off
with sex.
345
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,406
You remember sex, Marilyn.
346
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,699
Yes, I do, Bonnie.
347
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:47,410
You never forget your little
sister's first paying job.
348
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,912
Oh, you dirty bitch.
349
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,038
Hey, come on, Lola,
350
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,457
I got two potato chip
sandwiches up for table three.
351
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,292
I know Billy's
at his stupid new job,
352
00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:55,627
but where
the fuck is Matthew?
353
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,506
Matthew.
You are two hours late!
354
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:02,634
And you look like Sal Mineo
went to a Hot Topic
355
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,052
right before
he was murdered.
356
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,930
Uh, so? I don't got
parents no more.
357
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,015
So I don't gotta do
nothin' nobody says.
358
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:10,892
I had candy
for breakfast
this morning.
359
00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:12,435
I don't even
give a care!
360
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,437
Is this about you
losing your parents?
361
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,939
That happened on Tuesday.
362
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,524
You're milking this
like it had titties!
363
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,943
And, yeah,
as a transwoman,
364
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,487
I can engage in provocative
biological discourse.
365
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:25,448
This is insane!
Nine-Minute Lunch,
my ass!
366
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,242
Like, where is my cold cut
and grape salad?
367
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:28,827
All right, all right.
Matthew.
368
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,245
Mattman.
369
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:32,414
Mattman,
we know you're upset,
370
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:33,707
but we need you
to help out.
371
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,542
Do you think you could
wait some tables?
372
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,711
You're not my father!
373
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:39,921
Oh, my God.
374
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,591
What are we supposed to do
about our out-of-control teen?
375
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:43,675
Excuse me.
376
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,344
I've waited more than
ten minutes
377
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,096
for my carrot
wrapped in salami,
378
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,640
so I guess that means
I get a free meal.
379
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,437
Hey, Facebook Live,
it's Billy.
380
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,480
I am coming to you
from the set of my new...
381
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,025
Oh, 'scuse me.
My new comedy job.
382
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,569
I am doing comedy for one
of the funniest Larrys
383
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,238
of all time.
Not David. Not Sanders.
384
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,824
Not even Miller.
But Wilmore!
385
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,660
Wilmore!
Larry Wilmore!
Yes, I am.
386
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,537
Oh, my God, Larry, hey.
387
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,997
I'm Billy. I'm the new
warm-up comic.
388
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,499
I was a huge fan
of The Nightly Show,
I really was.
389
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,792
Yeah, well, this is
a little different.
390
00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,711
I'm doing everything
the network tells me to do
391
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,338
for those high ratings.
392
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,506
I just want to
stay on the air.
393
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,634
Let me tell you what
America loves on TV.
394
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,469
Party games
with celebrities,
395
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:29,304
and interviews with
precocious little kids
396
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,097
by black men over 40.
397
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:32,307
You're right.
Steve Harvey.
398
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:33,391
Yeah.
Bill Cosby.
399
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:35,143
Bill Cosby?
400
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,021
When it comes to doing
"the darndest things"...
401
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,106
You think drugging women
and having sex with them
402
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,359
while they're asleep
is a... "darndest thing"?
403
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,402
It's not not the darndest.
404
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,737
No. No, it's not.
405
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,238
Why don't we leave
Larry alone for a sec.
406
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:48,490
Sure, yeah.
Okay.
407
00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:50,116
Oh, my God,
I can't believe this.
408
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,952
Two days ago,
I was serving
mozzarella sticks,
409
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,079
and now I am rifting
with Larry Wilmore!
410
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,956
This is crazy!
I have a question,
by the way.
411
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:57,540
Do I do my stand-up
right at the top?
412
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,125
Because I have
a tight 15 minutes
413
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,377
about a loose Kevin Spacey.
414
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,629
Hey, don't worry about
your "stand-up."
415
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:05,090
Your job is to psych up
those people.
416
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,050
Come over here, clown.
417
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,177
Look at this.
See this?
418
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,888
This is a CD. This is for
the booty-shaking contest.
419
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,391
This is a cannon
that shoots out T-shirts.
420
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,809
Okay.
These are the T-shirts.
421
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,185
Guess where they go?
In the cannon.
422
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,895
In the cannon.
What is this right here?
423
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,689
These are snacks for those
animals up there.
424
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,524
And these are the two
most important things.
425
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,442
This is the prank call
templates,
426
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:26,403
and these are
the clapter suggestions.
427
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,363
I'm sorry, "clapter"?
428
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,407
Clapter. That's when one
of your jokes doesn't work,
429
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,534
you don't get a laugh,
you say something
very obvious
430
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,369
that everyone understands
is correct.
431
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:36,079
That way, at least
you get applause.
432
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,497
Oh. So basically
the show bible
433
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:38,832
for Real Time
with Bill Maher.
434
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,041
Don't riff!
435
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,876
Welcome to Seder,
everybody.
436
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,086
Happy Passover!
437
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,504
Happy Passover.
438
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:45,964
Happy Passover.
439
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,048
Hello, Marilyn.
440
00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:49,342
So glad I could be here
from the other promised land,
441
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:50,719
Jupiter, Florida.
442
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,638
What was that?
443
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:55,223
Since I landed in Florida,
444
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,892
there's been a steady stream
of gunfire and explosions.
445
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,271
Judi... viewers... Bush!
446
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,982
Is he really doing that,
or am I just detoxing?
447
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,484
Both. That'll do, pig.
448
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:08,194
Hello!
Can you hear...
449
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,863
Can we please start
the Seder?
450
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,448
The sooner we start,
the sooner we get to eat.
451
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,742
Oh, Julie, please,
just eat.
452
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:15,035
I mean, who could blame you
for stuffing your face
453
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,703
when you got a mess
of a mother like that?
454
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,663
Don't you tell me
why my daughter overeats.
455
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,999
I'll tell you
why my daughter overeats.
456
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,167
Impulse control.
457
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,251
Impulse control?
458
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,754
That's right.
I call it neglect!
459
00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,505
Everything about
her is screaming,
460
00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:29,382
"Look at me!
Look at me!"
461
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:30,842
My parenting
has absolutely
462
00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:33,386
nothing to do
with her desperate
need of attention!
463
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,263
Denial. Denial. Denial.
What do
you know about kids?
464
00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,516
The only kids you know
are the ones you've blown!
465
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,143
Seacrest out.
466
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,813
What's going on
with Mattman?
467
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:45,482
Well, Maury,
468
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,318
Matthew used to be
the sweetest boy.
469
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,987
But, you know,
this last one day
470
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,739
has just been a nightmare.
471
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:53,907
Aw!
472
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:57,410
Well, maybe we can
end this nightmare
right now.
473
00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:59,287
Mattman, come on out!
474
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,289
You don't know me!
475
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:04,125
You don't know me!
I do what I want.
476
00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,086
You can't handle all this!
477
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:07,295
- Sit down, sit down.
- Shut up!
478
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,464
Mattman, you think
it's neat to be rude?
479
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:10,590
It's not neat.
480
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:11,800
I think it's neat
as fuck.
481
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,927
I don't got parents
no more, so I decide
482
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,470
what the fuck to do,
what the fuck I want.
483
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:18,389
Oh... boo!
484
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,266
Denise, you wanna
tell him something?
485
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:21,851
Matthew...
486
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:26,064
yes, there's an addition
to our family.
487
00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:27,649
There's a new ingénue,
488
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,527
but you will always be
my Broadway baby.
489
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,028
Aw!
490
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:35,740
You gotta think about
the 1989 revival of Gypsy.
491
00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:38,743
Yes, Linda Lavin
was a great replacement,
492
00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:42,997
but Tyne Daly is on
the cast album, right?
493
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,001
Thank you for putting it
in my terms.
494
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,212
I'm gonna kill
that baby.
495
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,296
Wait, what?
496
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,301
Uh, okay, party people.
497
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,763
How 'bout a prank
phone call?
498
00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,348
It's just gonna go
to voice mail.
499
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,559
No one picks up
their phone anymore.
500
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,396
What's up with
the crowd, man?
501
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,732
They're acting like
I didn't just play
beer pong with Joan Didion.
502
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:10,817
That segment was terrific.
503
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:13,111
And just so you know,
the medic on the set,
she said that she can
504
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,863
absolutely reattach
that finger.
505
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:15,947
Yeah, all right, whatever.
506
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:18,366
But I think
we made a big mistake
with this warm-up guy.
507
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,410
Oh, fuck.
508
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,953
God, they hate me.
509
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,289
Uh, all right,
time for some clapter.
510
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:26,583
Uh...
511
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,960
Okay, guys, so, um,
512
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:32,172
you know,
Osama Bin Laden
is still dead.
513
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,634
And, uh,
let me just ask you.
514
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,721
How many of you here
hate AIDS?
515
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:44,767
And now the easiest
clapter of all,
516
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,770
give it up for
Larry Wilmore!
517
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,817
You know, it's great
that Larry has a new show,
518
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,486
because nobody watched
his old show.
519
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:59,449
Oh... ha-ha.
Maybe I should riff.
520
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,118
Right? I mean, Larry
always kept it 100.
521
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,996
Unfortunately, he kept it
at 100 viewers.
522
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:11,836
He used
my own words to slam me?
523
00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:15,298
He's using my words
to slam me.
524
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,092
Uh, Hey, Larry,
will more people
525
00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:19,886
watch your new show?
526
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:23,097
I'm gonna fucking
kill that guy.
527
00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:25,433
Relax. Remember what
Danny Aiello taught you?
528
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,935
Yes. Breathe.
All right.
529
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,311
This next segment
is bulletproof.
530
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,729
You talk to a kid.
It's very easy.
531
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,105
I got it, I got it,
I got it.
You got it?
532
00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:33,691
Okay, we're back
in three, two...
533
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:38,738
Hey, all right.
534
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,698
This next totally
original segment
535
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:43,785
is called Little Kids Say
Dumb Things to Big shot Larry.
536
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:47,372
So everybody please help me
welcome Mikey Blazina!
537
00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:50,583
Hey, how's it going?
538
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:55,797
Oh, fuck.
539
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,091
Hey, Mario Lopez!
540
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,426
Check it out,
audience.
541
00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:02,845
He's already saying
some dumb shit.
542
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,890
That clown wrote on my
leg cast that I was gay,
543
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:07,517
so the kids at school
beat me up,
544
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,227
and now I have
this arm cast!
545
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,855
Who, the "not funny
T-shirt giving out
motherfucker" over there?
546
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,608
And he ruined
Bazinga in the Park
with George!
547
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:16,859
He what?
548
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:18,569
Okay.
549
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,446
Tell the set medic
to leave the premises
550
00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:21,906
with Joan Didion's
frozen finger.
551
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:24,242
I want this piece of shit
to bleed to death
552
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,576
while I punch
his teeth out.
553
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:31,499
Oh!
554
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,626
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
555
00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:37,422
You want a T-shirt?
Beg, motherfucker!
556
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,801
Okay, pally,
do me a solid.
557
00:21:41,884 --> 00:21:45,555
Ask yourself,
what are you afraid of?
558
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:46,639
My mother.
559
00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,057
What's in the way
560
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:49,934
of your happiness?
My mother.
561
00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:51,477
Well, I got news
for you, friendo.
562
00:21:51,561 --> 00:21:54,397
You gotta become the thing
that's getting in your way.
563
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,024
But I'm afraid of
becoming my mother.
564
00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:58,192
It's time to swim
through the pain.
565
00:21:58,276 --> 00:22:00,028
Now, I don't know
how to swim.
566
00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:05,658
Marty Scorsese said
that's why he never cast me
in any of his movies.
567
00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:07,035
But I know he was lying.
568
00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:10,663
What does he fuckin' make,
Esther Williams movies?
569
00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:13,624
Now that you're
good and relaxed,
570
00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:15,835
write down
my routing number.
571
00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:20,423
Hey.
572
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,674
Bonnie? What the hell!
573
00:22:21,758 --> 00:22:24,427
I saw you duck in here,
all stressed out.
574
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,054
Now, come on.
575
00:22:26,137 --> 00:22:28,890
Give your Aunt Bonnie
a nice, fat line
576
00:22:28,973 --> 00:22:31,976
of that tasty kosher
for Passover booger sugar.
577
00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:33,436
What the hell
is wrong with you?
578
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:35,563
You can't get through
one meal without drugs?
579
00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,565
Your mother
drove me to it.
580
00:22:37,648 --> 00:22:39,567
I get it.
I completely relate.
581
00:22:40,234 --> 00:22:42,945
But... you know what?
Maybe it's time for us
582
00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:45,156
to become the thing
that's getting in our way.
583
00:22:45,782 --> 00:22:47,742
We already opened
the door for Elijah.
584
00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:48,868
Where were you, Julie?
585
00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:50,953
Oh, just upstairs,
helping out,
586
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:53,247
being the selfless
daughter I always am.
587
00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:55,833
By the way, dear,
I had some notes
588
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:58,169
about the blouse
you chose to wear tonight.
589
00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:00,129
I'm concerned it's not
the most flattering
590
00:23:00,213 --> 00:23:02,131
to your... bra fat area.
591
00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:04,634
I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
592
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:07,011
What's that? I couldn't
hear you over all the makeup.
593
00:23:07,095 --> 00:23:09,680
Lorna, would you pass whatever
food is in front of you?
594
00:23:09,764 --> 00:23:11,808
Please be careful.
Small bites.
595
00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:14,185
Try to exercise
some impulse control.
596
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:15,269
I'm sorry.
597
00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:17,063
God, I'm the worst.
598
00:23:17,146 --> 00:23:18,648
What are you two,
Freaky Fridaying?
599
00:23:19,232 --> 00:23:22,443
You know, I once made
Barbara Harris watch
600
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:23,986
while I blew her husband.
601
00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:27,949
And on that note,
so ends another Passover.
602
00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:29,867
Oh, by the way,
603
00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:32,036
your friend
in the computer
needs help.
604
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,955
Wait a minute.
605
00:23:34,038 --> 00:23:36,916
It's over?
I survived the Seder?
606
00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,669
Mom, Danny Aiello
was my Passover Bump!
607
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:41,796
Aah!
608
00:23:41,879 --> 00:23:42,880
She's found me!
609
00:23:42,964 --> 00:23:44,215
My depression
has found me!
610
00:23:44,298 --> 00:23:45,299
Who the hell are you?
611
00:23:45,383 --> 00:23:46,426
You can see her too?
612
00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:49,470
Damn it, Flipper,
I told you to text me
613
00:23:49,554 --> 00:23:51,139
when you were
around the corner.
614
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:54,100
Bonnie, is that your
drug dealer that you
invited here?
615
00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:57,687
No. She happens to be
my tennis instructor.
616
00:23:57,770 --> 00:24:00,648
Bullshit! I've seen you
at my old college campus
downtown.
617
00:24:00,731 --> 00:24:03,901
Probably. I sell a lot
of drugs to students.
618
00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:05,069
You want my
pager number?
619
00:24:05,153 --> 00:24:07,196
Get the fuck
outta here. Go! Go!
620
00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:09,782
- Come on.
- Trash.
621
00:24:09,866 --> 00:24:12,743
I'm sorry the holidays
have to be so difficult.
622
00:24:12,827 --> 00:24:15,621
Me too. But we can
agree on one thing, though.
623
00:24:15,705 --> 00:24:17,999
Aunt Bonnie is a total
waste of space.
624
00:24:18,082 --> 00:24:20,168
A true
human dumpster.
625
00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:23,129
Wanna finish
those macaroons?
626
00:24:23,212 --> 00:24:24,213
I sure do.
627
00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:25,381
One more thing.
628
00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:28,217
If a couple of guys
show up asking for me,
629
00:24:28,301 --> 00:24:31,679
Javier and his cousin Carlos,
both about 19,
630
00:24:31,762 --> 00:24:33,723
tell them to meet me
at the Days Inn
631
00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:36,476
near JFK
and bring the poppers
632
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:37,810
but forget the rubbers.
633
00:24:37,894 --> 00:24:39,020
Happy Passover.
634
00:24:40,062 --> 00:24:42,106
Never brag on social media
635
00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:44,150
about a job
you haven't started yet.
636
00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:47,153
What are our fake friends
saying online?
637
00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:49,447
"Hey, asshole, I hear
your new job's a hit.
638
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,824
"In the face.
From Larry Wilmore."
639
00:24:51,908 --> 00:24:54,702
So, how 'bout you?
You're gonna continue
meditating?
640
00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:57,663
No, I don't think so.
I mean, yes, it really helped.
641
00:24:57,747 --> 00:24:59,165
But then I was going through
my bank statement,
642
00:24:59,248 --> 00:25:01,250
and I realized
I was hypnotized
643
00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:04,045
into sending Danny Aiello
nearly $700.
644
00:25:04,128 --> 00:25:06,631
Ugh! God, our lives suck.
645
00:25:06,714 --> 00:25:09,383
At least after this,
our community service is over.
646
00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:11,719
In the middle
of fuckin' nowhere.
647
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:13,095
Big Fuckin' Bang!
648
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,264
Hey!
Hey!
649
00:25:16,599 --> 00:25:18,100
Hey!
650
00:25:18,184 --> 00:25:19,685
Fuck you!
Fuck you,
651
00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:21,062
Big Bang
piece of shit!
652
00:25:21,145 --> 00:25:22,146
I got news for you.
653
00:25:22,230 --> 00:25:24,273
Bazinga ruined Bazinga!
654
00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:28,152
Thought it'd be easy
655
00:25:28,236 --> 00:25:30,738
Thought they didn't know
656
00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:35,117
You thought it was
the only way to go
657
00:25:36,369 --> 00:25:38,579
Another way out
658
00:25:38,663 --> 00:25:41,040
Found on the way home
659
00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:43,000
Thought you were living fast
660
00:25:43,084 --> 00:25:45,461
But you were living slow
661
00:26:00,726 --> 00:26:03,646
Wah! Wah Wah! Wah!
Oh, my God!
49062
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