All language subtitles for The Big Kahuna 1999 720p BRRip x264 titler

[instrumental music]

[phone hangs up]

[man1] No answer.

- [man 2] Must be out shopping.
- [man 1] God forbid.

[man 2] why do you say that?

[man 1] No reason. It's just something men
say when they talk about their wives.

One guy says, "She must be out shopping."

The other guys says, "God forbid."

- [man 1] It's a joke.
- [man 2] Oh. [Chuckles nervously]

[instrumental music]

So what do you make of all this, Bob?

- What do you mean?
- How's it feel to be out on the road?

[sighs] I can see
where it could be tiring.

Yeah, there's a lot to this job.

You'd never know it,
but there's a lot to it.

[train whistle blows]

[bicycle bell dings]

You seem to have been at this a long time.

Tell you the truth, Bob,

I feel like I've been shaking somebody's
hand one way or another my entire life.

- You're very good at it.
- Well, thank you, Bob.

I mean, judging from what I hear.

Don't qualify it, Bob.

- [man] what time you got?
- [Bob] Quarter to 5.

[man] Hmm. Wonder if Larry got in?

- [Bob] Don't you carry a watch?
- [man] The world is full of clocks, Bob.

Clocks and mirrors.
It's a damn conspiracy.

Not that it matters to me anymore.

All my chances have come and gone
a long time ago.

Why do you say that?

Oh, I'm not complainin'.

Everybody peaks somewhere.
People find their niche.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Bob] Uh, how old are you?

If you don't mind me asking.

[man] I'm 52.

[Bob] Your secretary said
you looked distinguished.

[man] She did?

She said your face had character.

I will give her
the benefit of the doubt

and assume that she meant that
in a favorable vein.

[Bob] Sometimes I wonder what
I'll look like when I get to be your age.

[exhales] Tear my heart out, Bob.

- Oh, no. That's not what I meant.
- That's okay.

I've heard tell of people
living well into their 60s.

I only hope it's true.

[Bob] A-All I mean is,
I wonder how a person attains character.

Whether it's something
that you're born with

that kind of reveals itself
over time, or...

whether you have
to go through certain things.

I never think about it.

For all I know, I could have
a face full of character

and not even know it.

- You think?
- [exhales]

It's a two-edged sword, Bob.

[man] So how long
you been with the company?

[Bob] Six months.

- Straight out of school?
- Yeah.

[man] well, a word of advice:

It's never too early to start thinking
about where you want to end up.

- [Bob] It's a lot to think about.
- [man] Yes, it is.

Pretty soon somebody's gonna be handing
you a cake with 40 candles on it.

Maybe 50.

Bunch of people are gonna jump out
of a closet and yell, "Surprise!"

Like it's something you haven't been
thinking about every waking moment.

- What's that you're reading?
- Penthouse.

Oh.

- Wanna borrow it when I'm done?
- No, thanks.

- You don't want it?
- No, I don't read magazines like that.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Are you one of those that believe
that magazines

like this shouldn't be published?

I'm one of those who believe
they shouldn't be purchased.

[man] That was a very clever answer, Bob.

[Bob] I just said what I thought.

[man] That's what I mean.
you did it without thinking.

Which leads me to believe
you could have a career in marketing.

[inaudible]

[Bob] what's your wife say
about you reading magazines like that?

It's not my wife's concern.

It's not?

No.

We're divorced.

Mind if I ask you what the problem was?

[grunts]
Maybe you better try your wife again, Bob.

Sure.

I just have a real hard time imagining
what it must be like to get a divorce.

The picture becomes perfectly clear...

after a very short period of time.

Believe me, Bob.

[elevator dings]

Oh, excuse me.

- [bellhop] How're you doin'?
- Pretty good. How 'bout yourself?

Can't complain. What floor?

That depends on where you're headed
with all this food.

Fifteen.

- Hospitality suite.
- Yeah.

Hmm, me too. On 16.

Oh, yeah.

[elevator dings]

This is it?

Hi, Larry.

This is fucking it?

What do you mean, "This is fucking it"?
Of course it's it.

What'd you expect?

Phil, buddy,
the operative word was "suite."

Hospitality suite, not Hospitality closet.

There's no room in here.

I did... It's the best I could do.

Where do you expect people to stand,
out in the hall?

What are you bitching about?
It's on the 16th floor.

Look at the view.

Phil, man, we're in Wichita, Kansas.

What does it matter whether we're on
the first floor or the 500th floor?

It all looks the same.

Well, then next time
you make the arrangements.

Murdoch would have had a room
four times this size.

Oh, yeah? Well, Murdoch's not here, is he?

You can say that again.

At least we have something to jump off of
when nobody shows.

Fuck you, Larry.

See? That's what I get
for having aesthetic values.

Foul language thrown in my face.

[Phil] You know Bob from research?

Sure, I know Bob.
How you doing there, Bob?

Hi.

He's on the phone to his wife.

I only hope his wife
does most of the talking.

We've got to conserve
What little oxygen we have.

What is this?

What does it look like?

- You tell me.
- It's hors d'oeuvres.

You call these hors d'oeuvres?

Don't start with me, alright, Larry?

Phil, buddy, these are not hors d'oeuvres.

I don't know what that is.

Carrot sticks, celery sticks,
couple of ranch dressing

and an overgrown cheese ball?

This... This whole thing was
spur-of-the-moment, you know it.

Do you know what
the tool and dye outfit is serving?

I don't know and I don't wanna know.

Shrimp, my friend. Jumbo shrimp on ice.

Oysters on the half shell.
All these weird kind of French cheeses.

These little puff pastries.

That's hors d'oeuvres, Phil,
my friend of many years.

Not this. Downstairs they wouldn't let
a celery stick near the place.

They'd make you check it at the door.

- Well, then go eat downstairs tonight.
- Well, I just might have to.

Jesus Christ!
Bob, can you believe this?

Looks okay to me.

Well, that's exactly my point.
You don't know anything.

No offense, but how many
of these things have you been to?

- Just one.
- This one, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.

Who knows, Phil?
Maybe we'll get lucky

and everyone that walks through the door
tonight will be a first-timer like Bob.

Is there a problem?

No. There's no problem.

Oh, catching up
on your technical reading there, Phil?

Mind your own business, Larry.

Yeah, I'm not condemning.
I'm just saying I noticed.

You should have seen the girl
that sat next to me on the plane.

- Pretty?
- I should say so, and built,

and... Wearing a business suit.

[chuckles] That's right.
You like 'em in business suits.

There's something about a woman
in a business suit that drives me wild.

It's as if they're all tied up
in this neat little package

just waiting for someone to come along

and pull the cord
that sets everything free.

A woman in a business suit
is my idea of art.

What about you, Bob?

What kind of woman's attire
gets your motor running?

I'm sure I couldn't tell you.

No favorites, huh?

Uh, I try not to think about it.

[Larry] You try not?

[Bob] I'm married.

Of course you're married.
We're all married.

Even Phil was married at one time.

I'm just asking you in which direction
your tastes run.

I... [chuckling] I don't know.

Oh.

Let me, uh, ask you
a question there, Bob, seriously.

- What's that?
- Are you gay?

- Larry!
- What? I'm just asking.

He seems to be missing one of the
fundamental characteristics

of the American male,

which I could understand if he were,
you know, but you're not.

I mean, at least you think you...

Aren't you married?

I just see no reason
to let my eyes go wandering

when God's given me
a wonderful woman to be my wife.

Oh, I see.
You're a spiritual man, then.

That's a part of it.

So do they blind you
when you get saved, do they?

Jesus said if you look at
a woman with lust,

it's the same as committing adultery.

He did?

He must have never seen a woman
in a business suit.

If he had, who knows?

We might have
a different kind of religion,

one where lusting is a sacrament.

Hey! I thought you weren't interested
in my hors d'oeuvres.

I'm just tasting, Phil.
I'm not actually partaking.

I'm just gonna make sure
that nobody's gonna gag.

Well, don't eat the whole thing up.

You know why you're here,
don't you, Bob?

No. Not exactly.

Jesus Christ. No wonder this company
is spiraling into the shit can.

You're here for cosmetic purposes, Bob.

What do you mean?

You're here to represent research.

Technical support.
The brains of the company.

- Me?
- Absolutely.

But I don't have that much experience.

That doesn't matter.
You, as a person, don't really matter.

It's what you represent.

Am I supposed to be doing anything?

Nope. Just stand there and look wise,
or sit. It's entirely up to you.

You'll do fine, Bob.

Jeez, I hope so.

You know, when you think about it,
to tell the truth,

Nobody's really here.

You think you see people walkin' around
those hallways? You don't.

What you see is functions.

That's the nature of a convention.

What Larry means is,

if you look at it in the standpoint
of why we're here,

what we are is more important
than who we are.

Well, that seems kind of impersonal.

Of course it's impersonal, Bob.

Why do you think they hold conventions
in places like this?

Is there anything about this place
that smacks of personality to you?

Still, it seems a shame.

It's not a shame, Bob.

[sighs]

So who do they have you
working for these days?

Uh, Professor Young.

Jim Young?

Yeah. You know him?

We've met.

- Tremendous guy.
- Oh, really?

[Larry] How so?

He's got... what, 20, 30 patents?

I think he's even
a deacon in his church.

And all that makes him tremendous?

Well, the patents alone.

Listen, Bob, no offense. I can see
that you admire the man and all.

But let me tell you a little something
about Jim Young.

[Bob] what's that?

He's an idiot!

- What?
- He's a moron, Bob.

I wouldn't trust the guy to wax my car.

How can you say that?

I've met him, remember?

I've gotten an earful of Jim Young
on more than one occasion.

I can tell you for a fact
the guy is full of shit.

Well, I don't think so
and I work with him every day.

Well, maybe you just don't know
what to look for.

Maybe I just have different standards.

Listen, Bob. You got a minute?
I wanna tell you something.

[sighs] Sure.

There are people in this world, Bob,

who look very official,
while they're doing, what they're doing.

And do you know why?

Why?

Because they don't know
what they're doing.

Because if you know what you're doing,

you don't have to look like
you know what you're doing.

- It comes naturally. You follow me?
- Sure.

Okay, so now, do you know
how you can tell the difference?

No.

All right, the way you tell is...

A little voice pops up
in the back of your mind

to say that this guy who's sitting before
me, or she,

is lying through his teeth
and telling me stories.

Now, once you get
that little piece of information,

what do you do?

Uh, I don't know.

Here's what I would do.

I would say, "Buddy, I've heard
a lot of horseshit in my time",

"'cause God knows I'm a salesman"

"and we all have to wade through our share
of the snow to get to the cabin,"

"but you... take the cake."

"I don't believe you have the first idea
what you're talking about."

"Your children admire you, I'm sure,"

"as we all hope they do."

"And maybe your wife doesn't know,"

"but I know."

"And my knowledge forces me
to call you on the fact"

"that you are a goddamn cock-sucking liar
from the word go!"

And then I would sit down
and finish my soup.

[scoffs]

You would not.

Phil, have you
or have you not ever heard

or seen me doing
what we were just talking about?

Yes.

There, you see?

That's why there's hope, Bob,
because there's people like me who listen.

- When was this?
- [Larry] what do you mean, "when"?

Are you doubting a man that sits there
reading Penthouse to expand his mind?

Are you gonna question that?

It was a couple years ago. We were
having lunch with a purchasing agent.

You see?

- And you actually said that?
- Word for word.

It was not word for word.

In principle, Phil.

I'm speaking to the boy in principle
because after all,

he's a bright young man and he understands
the meaning of a concept.

So what happened?

What do you think happened?

What would you expect to have happen?

- The guy got angry.
- The guy got furious.

He just sat there through the rest
of the meal fuming, not saying a word.

Did you lose the account?

Of course we lost the account.

Bob, you can't speak to a man like that
and expect to keep the account.

And if you do...

If you say that to a man
and he puts down his fork

and he says, "Bob..."

"you are absolutely right."

"I have been faking like I know what I'm
talking about from the moment I sat down,"

"and I'm sorry."

"Not to you, because I don't owe you
anything, but to myself."

"Because I want to be the best human being
I can possibly be,"

"and I want to be honest above all else."

Well, then you forget about the account,
you forget about everything.

You shave your head,
you put on a saffron robe,

you sell pictures of this guy
at the airport,

because he has no fear
and he's just proved it.

He deserves to be worshipped.

Wow.

"Wow" is right, Bob.
"wow" sums it up quite nicely.

I mean, I can't believe
you actually said that.

- Do yourself a favor, Bob.
- What's that?

- Don't ever become one of those people.
- No, I wouldn't.

I don't want to have to confront you
at lunch one day like that other guy,

but I will, for your own good,
because I like you.

Sure.

- You all right, Bob?
- Yeah. I just need to use the restroom.

Want me to fix you something
while you're on the throne?

No, thanks. I just need to go.

- [Phil] who wound you up?
- [Larry] Nobody wound me up.

I'm just excited, that's all.

We're gonna do some
business tonight, Phil.

There's business in the air.
Do you smell it?

It's the kind of air that makes
account ledgers grow.

There's only one account ledger
that matters to us tonight.

We're gonna get that one too.
You watch.

Fuller's gonna come walking
through that door.

He's gonna take one look around.

He will be so overwhelmed

with the fact
that he's on the 16th floor overlooking

all of Wichita, like some ancient king
surveying his fiefdom.

Larry predicts, that he will say,
"You talk to me about moxie?"

"Anybody with the aesthetic wherewithal"

"to pick this, of all places,
for a hospitality suite"

"must certainly have
the right line of industrial lubricants"

"for my plant in Gary."

"What would it take to get you guys
to sell me everything you could make?"

"How much can I pay you personally,
as a bribe?"

- He's gonna say all that, is he?
- Word for word.

You know what I'm gonna say to him?
"Mr. Fuller, you are absolutely right.

"We do have the right line of industrial
lubricants for your application,

"and I personally would be proud
to handle the account myself.

"But there is one thing I ask of you,
as a favor,

to help us get better acquainted."

- What's that?
- That you take me as your concubine.

Or Phil, if you think he's better looking.

You really think he's gonna go for us?

- He has to, Phil.
- What if he doesn't?

- If he doesn't go for us?
- Yeah.

Then I think what we do is;
We get up tomorrow morning,

we pack our bags,
we catch the breakfast flight home,

we wander into the office
around half past 2,

and then we hang ourselves
in the bathroom by our tie.

Do you know what he looks like?

- No. You?
- I haven't the foggiest.

What about Bob?

Bob. How's Bob gonna know
what he looks like?

Oh, yeah. Well, it doesn't matter.

That's one of the great things
about conventions.

All God's children wear name tags,
especially a guy like this.

He probably had one
specially made in neon.

"Dick Fuller". You know, "President."

"Nickname: El Kahuna Grande."

[Larry] I'm only hoping
he's wearing a ring I can kiss.

- Phil, what is that?
- It's a coat rack.

I know it's a coat rack.
What's it doing in here?

It's for coats.

Who the hell's gonna bring a coat?
We're all in the same damn hotel.

Get it out of here. There's little enough
room in here as it is.

I wanted to be prepared.

If I don't have a coat rack,
you're gonna say,

"Phil, where's the coat rack?"

Now we know where it is.
It's out in the hall.

Is he all right in there?

- I don't think he's feeling very well.
- Really? How come?

Maybe it's nerves.

Or maybe he just couldn't
take the likes of you.

What?

Especially when you come at him
with both barrels like that.

What, me?
Nah, I was just talkin' to him.

- He's a good kid.
- 'Course he's a good kid.

I wouldn't waste my time
with him if he wasn't.

That's the last thing I need to do

is grease another asshole
for the lubricant industry.

Besides, he reminds me
of you in a lot of ways.

No, he doesn't.
He reminds you of yourself.

Yeah, but I take after you,
so it all works out.

I don't want any of these bozos
making long-distance calls.

Well, take it off the bill.

Or who knows?
Maybe he's just basking in the experience.

- Going to the bathroom?
- Yeah. Have you been in there yet?

- No. Why?
- It's terrific, man.

It's the only thing I like about this
place.

They got a spotlight over the john.

That and there's mirrors on three sides,

so you can actually watch yourself
wiping your own ass.

Is that a major goal of yours?

Well, I think it's something everybody
should experience

at least once in their lifetime.

Do you realize what
the ancient kings of Egypt

would have given if they'd been able
to watch themselves

wiping their own asses?

Plenty! But they couldn't
because the technology was unavailable.

- They had mirrors.
- Oh, hand mirrors, Phil.

Little bitty jobs.

You try watching yourself
wiping your own ass with a hand mirror.

You might...
You can't see anything.

You might as well
be watching somebody else.

No, no, no. To do it right you need
the full-fledged wall-to-Wall mirrors.

Then you get the total picture.

Reminds you you're not much different than
anybody else

when it comes down to it.
Gives you a sense of humility.

Whatever you say.

Oh! The door is jammed.

- I put a call in.
- Oh, Christ.

Hey, you feelin' any better, Bob?

Yeah. Just, uh,
just a little queasy is all.

What? Did Phil have you working
on the floor all day?

Some of it. [Kicks table]

- Workin' the booth?
- Uh, yeah.

No wonder. You should've told him
to go fuck himself.

I hate workin' the booth.

- I thought it was kind of interesting.
- There's no closet in here.

That's why I got the coat rack.

[Larry] Yeah, well, anything's interesting
for a while, Bob.

Dental surgery is interesting
for a while,

But some things get old in a hurry.

- It's somethin' that has to be done.
- Ah! Well!

There you are, Bob.
Words handed down from on high.

[deep voice] It's something
that has to be done.

Larry, let me bum a cigarette off you.

Well, you could ordinarily, Phil,
but not anymore.

- I gave it up.
- You did not.

- I swear to God.
- When?

Couple of months ago. And you would too,
if you knew what was good for you.

Fuck you, Larry. You're not my wife.

You're right, Phil. I'm not your wife.

And it's good of you to point that out

because, as close as we are,
I sometimes forget.

You know, Bob's got more sense
than the two of us put together.

You've never smoked a cigarette
in your life, have you, Bob?

No, I haven't.

I bet you don't drink much either, do ya?

An occasional beer now and then.

- Yeah, but nothin' hard, right?
- No.

And correct me if I'm wrong,

But I'm willing to bet...
I'd even lay money...

that never in your life

have you walked into a strip joint,
walked up on the stage,

grabbed the dancer,
threw her down on the ground

and fucked her brains out,
in front of everybody.

- I never what?
- Jesus Christ, Larry.

Just answer the question, yes or no.

No. I... I've never even been near
a place like that.

See, that's what I was saying.
you oughta apply for sainthood, Bob

Competition's not as stiff as it used to
be. You got a good chance of gettin' in.

- You Catholic?
- No.

- Episcopalian?
- No.

- What then?
- Uh, Baptist.

Oh, well, that is a problem.

But they must have something like that,
shouldn't they?

For people who go through their
whole lives without doing anything.

Not as far as I know.

Well, damn it.
Then it's time to change religions, Bob.

Go someplace you're appreciated,
where there's a chance to move up.

You let me know if it happens.

[Bob] You'll be the first.

Remember it was my idea.

I get dibs on the concessions:
Little plastic statues, things like that.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna run down to the bar.
I'll be right back.

I'll go with you.

Uh, no, no. You better stay here.

Have to have somebody
keep their eye on Larry,

make sure he doesn't
sublet the joint.

When you're there,
why don't you stop on 15?

And see what it's like with people
who know what they're doing.

That is, if you can live with the shame.

And bring me back some shrimp!

What a nut.

- Him or you?
- Him.

The guy cracks me up.

He's not the one I would exactly
call a nut around here.

That's just because you don't know him.

You want a carrot stick, Bob?

How long have you
and he worked together?

That depends on what you mean.

- Do you want a carrot stick, Bob?
- No, thanks.

Well, in geologic time, we just met.

However, in dog years, we go way back.

How 'bout human years?

- Human years?
- Yeah.

We've known each other a while.
Why do you ask?

- He strikes me as an interesting guy.
- Oh, that's one hell of a guy.

Bob, if you're looking
for somebody to admire, pick Phil.

Not that asshole Jim Young.

How long has he been divorced?

I don't think he is officially,
I think it's still pending.

But don't quote me
'cause I don't really know.

I think it's a shame
he has to get divorced.

Well, he doesn't have to, Bob.

I mean, he's making a choice
to gain something.

- Like what?
- His freedom, I guess.

Still, it seems like an awful lot
to give up.

Well, sometimes, Bob,
you gotta chew your leg off

to get out of life's traps.

I guess.

Phil's gone through a lot of changes
in the last couple of years,

And I don't just mean the divorce.

Really? How so?

Well, he used to be a...

I don't know.

One day he'd be ridin' the clouds,
the world was a beautiful place,

And he was just happy to be in it, and...

the next day,

you wouldn't even know
you were talkin' to the same person.

It was like somebody
let the air out of him.

You got the impression that at any moment
he could pull out a gun and shoot himself.

[Larry] And even then,
he was real personable.

He just...

I don't know. I got the feeling that
something inside of him

had kind of... collapsed.

- [bartender] what can I get you?
- Change for the cigarette machine.

Crown Royal on the house.
Poured one too many.

- No, thanks.
- It's all right, really.

No, no, thank you.
Just the change. Thanks.

[Bob] Things you don't know
about a person.

[Larry] That's why God gave us
eyes and ears, to find out,

except for some things
that are none of our goddamn business.

Sure.

Ask me whatever you want about Phil.

I'll be glad to tell you,
if I think you're being sincere.

But... don't ask him.

He's been through a lot.
He doesn't need to be pressed.

- How long have you been married, Bob?
- Six months.

- You love your wife?
- Do I love my wife?

Why wouldn't I?

Well, people get married
for a lot of different reasons, Bob.

You seem like
a real principled guy to me.

So?

Well, I've known people.
I'm not saying you're one of them.

It's just I've known them
who were real principled,

and then they met somebody else
who was real principled,

and then the two of them got married,

only to find out one day
it was their principles that got married.

Two of them
just kind of came along for the ride.

Oh.

Love has a lot of counterfeits,
Bob, not to get too deep.

Sure.

Hey, speak of the devil,
where's my shrimp?

[chuckles]

[Phil] Eat a carrot
if you're so goddamned hungry.

Have a cheese ball.

I don't want any cheese ball, alright.
I want some shrimp.

Then call room service and get some.

I would, but I don't want
to embarrass you

[whispers] in front of the boy.

Believe me, Larry,
as long as I've known you,

nothing you could possibly say or do,
could ever embarrass me in the least.

You see what I have to put up with?
Twelve years now.

But one day, no more.
I'm comin' to work with an Uzi!

You're gonna read about us
in the newspapers the next day.

- You sure I can't fix you something, Bob?
- Yeah, maybe just a cola.

- Give me an ashtray.
- All right..

How 'bout you, Phil? What'll you have,
a Black Russian? Martini with a twist?

- I'll have a 7Up.
- A 7Up?

7Up with a twist of lime.

You feelin' all right there, Phil?

- I quit drinking.
- You did? When?

Recently.

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

I don't smoke, you don't drink,

and Bob here, wouldn't think about
lusting after a woman.

Between the three of us,
we're practically Jesus.

Which reminds me,
who's gonna bar tend tonight?

- I figured Bob would.
- Me?

Yeah. You mind?

Like I said, I'm not accustomed
to drinking hard liquor.

Nobody's asking you to drink it, Bob.

- We're asking you to serve it.
- I won't know what I'm doing.

It doesn't matter, Bob.
All you do is pour stuff in a glass.

See? Now you know bar-tending.

What about the formulas?

Formulas. They're called recipes.

We'll send out for a book. That's all.

What if somebody wants something exotic?

Oh, that's perfect.
The only reason people order exotic drinks

is to show how sophisticated they are.

If they have to tell you how to mix it,
it's all the better.

It makes them feel like experts.

Plus Larry and I are gonna
have our hands full.

Well, the brains of the company will try.

That's all we ask for, Bob,
is that you try.

Gentlemen, here's to the profound,
religious experience

that comes from doing a job well

- and being grossly underpaid.
- Happy days.

- Happy Jesus.
- Happy...

Amen.

What time is this thing
supposed to start tonight?

Seven.

You hungry?

- I could probably eat, I guess.
- What do you feel like?

Maybe we oughta go on downstairs.

Yeah, that's what we'll do
That's exactly what we'll do.

We'll go downstairs,
we'll fill our bellies full of hotel food.

We'll oogle the waitresses
a little... or not.

And then we'll come back up here
and we'll show Bob the ropes.

We'll teach him what it's like
to do business.

I'm looking forward to it.

You think you're ready
for the big time, Bob?

Well, I guess
there's only one way to find out,

that's to throw me in the water,
see if I can swim.

Oh, I think you're missing
the point here, Bob.

We're about to throw you off a cliff
and see if you can fly.

- [Phil] You got a tag on your pants.
- [Larry] I just bought it.

[Phil] Take the little strings off.

[Larry] Jesus Christ.
You got any scissors?

[Bob] The brains
of the company will try.

You are saved!
You are saved!

[sounds of a party]

Drinks on the house!

[jazz music]

There you go!

We save with Jesus!
Drinks for everyone on the house.

Line 'em up.
Line 'em up, boys and girls.

You need a light?

- [lady] So... [laughs]
- Yeah, you want a Gin Fixer.

Did you say Gin Buck or Gin Fix?

It's... [murmuring]

What did you want?

Uh... I'll give you this, some of this.

[sighs]

Phil?

Phil, Phil, Phil!
Do you know what time it is?

- I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
- It's 9:30!

So what?

What do you mean, "So what?"
We started at 7. He's not coming!

He said he'd be here.

Well, he's kidding, because he's not here.
He's not here.

- Well, what do you want me to do?
- Act a little concerned.

I'm concerned.

Oh, really?
'Cause you hide it really, really well.

Well... just... have faith,

would ya?

Just once.

Have fa... Ha...

Have faith.

[loud talking]

[cheering]

[man] Hey, thanks a lot, buddy.

[background chatter]

[man] This is the finest champagne...

[jazz music]

[Phil] That son of a bitch...

talked to me about basketball
for nearly two hours.

And all he did was exhibit

that he doesn't know
the first thing about the game.

What? You think you can get me
a smaller glass?

- How 'bout a little thimble or somethin'?
- They're all dirty.

Give me that bottle.

That's what I love about these things.

It kills me about these things...

Is that you get a guy
away from his wife for a couple days.

You pour a couple of drinks into him,

He, all of a sudden, becomes
the world's foremost expert on sports.

That's why God created wives, Bob.

So that they could show men
when they're bein' assholes.

I mean, you get a guy away
from his wife,

for any length of time,

and he hasn't the first idea
how to behave.

Take it from me.

The Bible said God created Eve
as a help mate.

- As a what?
- A helper.

Suitable to meet his needs.

I don't know anything about that, Bob,
but what I do know is this:

God created women to be mirrors,

so a man could see what an ass he is.

I mean, you talk to me about souls?

A man does not know
what his soul looks like.

Hasn't any idea what his soul looks like

until he gazes into the eyes of the woman
that he's married to.

And then, if he's any kind
of decent human being,

he spends the next
couple days throwin' up.

Because no man, no honest man,

can stand that image.

Go ahead, take your shoes off
and be comfortable. Everybody's gone.

I thought you said
you didn't like being married.

Well, I didn't,

But that doesn't mean
I don't recommend it.

[sighs]

There's a lot of things in this life, Bob,
that are good for you...

that are not necessarily pleasant.

Like circumcision.

Well, it's about time.
Where the hell have you been?

What do you mean,
where the hell have I been?

While you've been sittin' here,
strokin' every swingin' dick

that walked through that door,

I've been in search
of the Grand Kahuna!

[clattering]

- The what?
- The savior, Bob.

Εl Presidente.

The man who, with one small utterance,
one tiny ejaculation of sound,

could make this company big with child.

Did you find him?

Phil, use your intuition here
for a second.

Use that God-given gift you have
for smelling out the truth of a situation.

Do I look as though I found him?

- No.
- Good. You still have it.

[Bob] who are you guys talking about?

We're talking about the Grand Kahuna, Bob.

The great white wha... Did you ever read
The Old Man and the Sea?

- No.
- Oh well then forget about it.

We're talking about a man
who represents, as an entity...

the largest single account
this company has

or probably ever would have seen.

- Potential account.
- Oh, potential yeah.

It's good of you to point that out, Phil.
Potential!

What could have been.

Because it was our job, compadres,

to turn that potentiality into reality,
to have it show up in the coffers,

to court this gentleman,

to promise him favors, if necessary,
to get him on our side.

But did we succeed in this regard
or did we fail?

Let's see a show of hands.

We'll be all right.

Yeah, of course we'll be all right.

Once they drag our bodies from the river
and send our spirits to the moon.

Then, sure.
It's the intermediate stuff, Phil.

It's the actual process
of being skinned alive and set fire to.

That's the difficult part.
The rest is duck soup.

You had to go searching for this guy?

We had to, Bob.

We weren't supposed to,
but yes, we had to.

He was supposed to
have shown up here tonight.

Someone was supposed to
have lured him up here for a drink.

What are you lookin' at me for?

I done my job.

- You phoned him?
- You're goddamned right I phoned him.

And you spoke to him direct?

- I talked to his secretary.
- [stifled grunting]

He was on a long-distance call.

She assured me that he'd be here.

Oh, she assured you?
Guess what? She was joking!

She probably had her secretary friends
gathered around the speaker phone saying,

[whispers] "watch this."

I bet she does stand-up on the side.

Something probably just happened.

I think it's rather obvious
that something "happened."

Maybe he just pulled up sick
at the last minute.

Oh, no, no, he's here. He's here, alright.

No, I've heard his name bandied about
all night long in the present tense.

He's here, my friends.
He just isn't here!

If you get my subtle nuance.

Well...

we just have to...

figure out some other way, is all.

Phil, are you deaf?

We lost the man.

He was invited, but he did not come.

We're like the dinosaurs
when the climate changed.

There is no longer any reason
for us to roam the earth.

Why can't you just
schedule an appointment...

and go and see him?

You don't schedule
an appointment with this guy, Bob.

He's the president.
He refers you to his people.

So why not go see his people?

Because they're all dildos,
every single one of 'em.

Sometimes you have to
go past the smaller minds.

You have to cozy up to someone
a little higher on the ladder who can say,

"I would really like to try
some of this new product.

Either buy some and try it
or get the fuck out because you're fired!"

Gonna put another call into his secretary
in the morning.

Phil, are you not hearing
a word I'm saying?

I realize it's human nature to think
we stand another chance with this guy,

but it's fantasy, man.

We're gonna go back to Chicago tomorrow,
and Evans is gonna say,

"Hey, Phil, Larry, Bob,

"come into my office.

"I have something for ya.

"Bend over." [groans]

So what do you think, Bob?
Do you wanna do this for a living?

I don't know,
I thought it was kind of interesting.

Oh, yeah? How so?

You get to hear
a lot of interesting stories.

That you do. They're far outweighed

by the horse shit that flies
across the room all night long,

but they're there
to listen for if you want.

Are there always this many people?

It just looked like a lot of people, Bob,
'cause the room's so damn small.

Larry.

Sorry, the carrot stick's
gone to my head.

I met a guy who started
talking to me about dogs.

What about dogs?

[Bob] Just that he's always owned one.

He told me that one way or the other,
he's owned a dog his entire life,

Most of them German Shepherds.

That's not that unusual, Bob.
A lot of people have dogs.

Oh, I know, but that got us started
on all sorts of things.

Turns out he had to have his last one
put to sleep 'cause it bit someone.

So then he started telling me about
the one before that...

and the one before that. [Chuckles]

And before we knew it,
we traced his entire life...

through this series of dogs.

Mostly German Shepherds.

I wish to hell Murdoch was here.

[Bob] Who's Murdoch?

Dale Murdoch.

The best damn marketing rep
this company has ever seen.

[scoffs]

God, Jesus, what a talent.

- [Bob] Successful?
- No, more than just successful, man.

This guy... he had the gift.

You know how, like, when you're watching
athletes do what they're doing.

It's like they're remembering
something they've always known,

instead of something they had to learn.

That's what it was like with Murdoch,
except only with people.

- Where is he now?
- Who, Murdoch?

- Yeah.
- Oh, he's gone on to his great reward.

Oh.

Yeah, I heard he's down
in Florida somewhere.

Last I heard, somebody said
that he had a whole chain of Burger Kings.

I wouldn't doubt it if it was the biggest
goddamn chain in the state.

But the days of Murdoch are behind us.

Now it's the days of Larry and Phil.

Phil and Larry and Bob,

Three guys who are about
to be royally fucked up the ass.

We'll be all right.

You think so, huh?

Sure.

Well, I hope you're right, for our sake,

because letting Mr. Fuller slip through
our fingers like this

could be construed
as an act of incompetence.

It makes us look pretty damn bad.

- Did you say Fuller?
- Yeah.

- Dick Fuller?
- Yeah. Dick, Richard.

Why, you know him?

That was the guy I was talking to.

What are you... what?

The guy with the dogs!
That was Dick Fuller.

Oh, get out of here.

No, I'm serious.
Look, he even gave me his card.

- Oh, son of a bitch!
- Let me see it!

I thought you checked
everybody's name tag.

I did check everybody's name tag,
anybody that wasn't wearing a name tag,

I came right out and said,
"what's your name?"

- He wasn't wearing his name tag.
- What?

No, he wasn't wearing his own.
I think it was someone else's.

Why on earth would he be wearing
somebody else's name tag, Bob?

Beats me. Looks like he had
a couple of drinks before he got here.

Maybe he swapped it someone.

I got the impression
he wanted to be left alone.

He was awful broken up about the dog.

I do not fuckin' believe this. We had
Dick Fuller right here within our grasp,

but we let him
slip through our fingers!

- Sorry.
- It's not your fault, Bob.

We had him, we had him. He was ours.

Next time, you ask people's names,
whether they're wearing badges or not.

I'll give you
a little piece of information.

There will be no next time for us,
my friend.

We had Dick Fuller
within our sphere of influence,

and we let him... Walk out of here
without hearing from us

a word of what we had to say.

We'll be all right.

What did you guys talk about, Bob?

Just... I don't know, stuff.

Could you be a little more specific?
Did you talk sports, weather, what?

Dogs mostly.

That's it? Nothing else?

That and stuff about our families.
He asked about my wife.

- Your wife?
- Yeah.

What did he want to know about your wife?

Nothing, he just asked.

Did you tell him he could have her
if he wanted,

in consideration for throwing
a little business our way?

Larry.

Well, what?
What did you talk about, Bob?!

[sighs]

Just... I don't know. Religion some.

You talked to the president
of one of the largest manufacturing firms

in all of the Midwest about religion?

Is that who he is? I didn't know.

Okay, wait, wait. What did you say to him?

What exactly did you tell him
about religion?

[sighs]

We just talked.

- You didn't contradict him, did you?
- No.

Well, thank God.

That's the first rule about
talking religion at a convention

is, "Do not contradict the client."

No, I take that back.
That's the second rule.

The first rule about talking religion
at a convention is "Don't."

- Don't... Don't what?
- Don't do it.

Well, we seem to have survived.

- Did you contradict him?
- No.

Well, then that's why, Bob.
That's the reason you survived.

I thought it was a nice chat.

How did you end up talking about religion
with Dick Fuller... in the first place?

It just came up with the stories
of his dogs dying and all.

You told him his dogs were in heaven?

No.

You told him his dogs were in hell?

Of course not.

Well, then what, Bob?
What exactly did you say to the man?

[Bob sighing]

We just... we started talking.

The thing about the dogs
was just a lead-in.

I mean, it got us talking
about life and death.

It was a lead-in, Bob?

Sure.

Which implies, does it not,
that you were...

looking for the opportunity
to talk about life and death?

Sure, I-I guess so. Sure.

No, don't say sure. It's not like "sure."
How am I supposed to know?

Bob, I mean, most...
Most people, you know, don't go around

looking for opportunities to strike up
conversations with total strangers

about life and death and religion
and things of that ilk.

- Some people do.
- Some people, yeah.

I guess there's some people,
and apparently you're one of them.

But most people, no, Bob.
Most people...

If you ask about life and death,

they say, "Hey, life is good.
Death is bad. The end."

They don't go around
looking for opportunities.

Well, then I guess I'm not most people.

Bob, I... That's probably true.
I would say that's very safe to say.

Look, I just think it's important
to let people know what you believe.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

If I had known that you were supposed to
get in touch with the guy,

then I would have told you,
I would have alerted you somehow.

It's not your fault, Bob.

[Larry] Phil!

How was he to know?
He was just talkin' to the guy.

Talkin' to the guy, yes.
But listening? No, I don't think so.

At least not for the opportunities
to advance the interests of the company.

Maybe if the conversation had stayed on
a more temporal plane,

then just maybe, perhaps,
it might have worked itself around

to the subject of where lubricants
might have been mentioned!

You don't know that.

Oh, come on. I think
the odds are a hell of a lot better,

but as it was, the conversation
was not allowed to have a natural course,

because somebody was at the helm
directing it. Am I right, Bob?

Sounds to me like the guy just wanted
to be left alone.

Well, that is not the point
and you know it.

Phil's right.
He practically came out and said it.

Well, guys, friends, compadres,
it was our task at hand

to overcome that desire of his
for a little while,

to garner his interest,

and I submit to you
he did not want to be left alone.

If he had, he would have stayed
in his hotel room all night long.

He would not have gone
cruising the hospitality suites

in search of conversation.

I submit to you
he did not wish to be left alone,

but only not to talk business.

- In which case we're out of luck anyway.
- Oh, now, Phil. Come on.

There's ways around that,
and you know it.

Not to badger the man, but to let him know
what we came here to tell him.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm sorry.

There's no good to be sorry, Bob.
It doesn't do us any good now.

What else can I do?

Nothing, there is nothing you can do now
at this juncture!

Nothing.

Did he happen to mention
where he was staying?

Somewhere in the hotel.

This hotel?

Yes.

What are you gonna do, Larry?
Bang on his door after midnight?

I'm just asking. Is there a crime in that?
Because I'm thinking

that maybe tomorrow morning we could...
you know,

run into him in the coffee shop
downstairs accidentally.

- We don't know what he looks like.
- Well, Bob does.

I'd be willing to do that.

What's all this business
on the back of his card, Bob?

That's where he was going
after he left here.

What, what, what?

Some kind of private party
at the hotel down the street.

Well, what are we doing here? Let's go!

We can't.

- Why not?
- It's by invitation only.

So?

So, I think he'd get mad
if we all showed up like that.

He made a big point
about how private it was.

That's the least of our worries.
If he gets mad, we'll deal with it.

Come on. Grab your coats.

- No, not so fast, Larry.
- What?

I think Bob may be right.

I mean, we don't want to
barge in on this guy.

Phil!

Well... Well, think about it.

Do you really want to piss this guy off
by crashing some exclusive party,

not to mention whoever else
might be there?

What do you suggest we do?
Stand around here in a circle jerk

while the account of a lifetime
slips through our fingers?

No, no.

Well, what then?

I think we send Bob.

What?

Look, he gave you that thing
as an invitation, right?

Yeah, he said it would get me in.

Phil, Phil, Phil!
Don't do this to me, man.

What choice do we have?

That is our only legitimate way in there.

Besides, he knows Bob.

They talked. Bob's got an in.

You are putting our future
in the hands of a kid.

Nah, it's gonna be all right.
Give me your card.

- Oh, Jesus Christ...
- Give me your card.

All right.

Now, here's what I want you to do.
Sit down!

Listen to me.

I'm listening.

All right, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to go down the street

and see if you can find Mr. Fuller.

If you're fortunate and he is still there,

I want you to give him our business cards.

Tell him that we are very anxious

to meet with him...

as soon as it's humanly possible.

- You got that?
- As soon as humanly possible.

Okay. Tell him we'll be around the hotel
all morning tomorrow.

He can reach us here
or at the numbers on these cards.

All right, here. Ask him...

Ask him to please get a hold
of either Larry or me,

because we would like
to speak to him very briefly...

about business.

Business, just business.

Explain to him we know
that he's very busy.

It won't take up much time,

but there are a few things
that we need to discuss.

Now, do you have that, Bob?

- Yeah, I'll try.
- All you have to do... Listen to me.

All you have to do
is give him the cards and leave.

What if he wants to talk?

Well, then you talk as long as he wants.

Forty days and forty nights,
if you have to, until he tires of it.

Then you come back here
and tell us what happened.

You'll wait up?

Till the next fiscal quarter.
Beyond that, I can't make any guarantees.

Don't worry about it.
You're gonna do fine.

Yeah, you'll do fine, Bob.

I'm sorry for doubting you.
Of course you'll do fine.

If you follow those instructions
to the letter...

- you'll do great, you understand?
- Yes.

Okay, good. Now go. Time's a-Wasting.

- I'll see you guys later.
- Okay, and hurry! But not too fast!

Because you'll work up a sweat
and he won't want to come near you.

[under breath] Okay.

Do I, uh...

Do I strike you as
a particularly religious man, Phil?

Not in the slightest.

Then why am I seized with a sudden,
overwhelming desire to...

pray?

[applause, whistling on TV]

[man on TV] I should let it dry,
but I'm a little impatient.

I wonder if he found him.

[exhales] He found him.

What makes you so sure?

[sighs]

He hadn't have,
he would've been back by now.

Not necessarily.

It'll be all right.

Yeah.

Phil, can I ask you something seriously?

Yeah.

Are you on some kind of medication
I should know about?

What makes you think
I'm taking medication?

Because I've never seen you
this relaxed before.

I almost get the impression
that you just frankly don't give a shit.

I don't.

No, I know that.

We all don't give a shit
to a certain extent.

What I'm saying is
it's like you don't care.

I'm tired, Larry.

Well, I recognize that.
It's been a very long day.

That's not what I mean.

I get what you're driving at,
and I sympathize. I do.

We all know you've been
going through a lot lately, Phil, and...

for a long time
I've been meaning to state outright,

if you need anything at all,
you don't hesitate to call, day or night.

I would've said something sooner,
but I-I thought maybe it was understood.

I assumed as much.

Well, you were right, too,
and I hope you know I mean it.

I've been thinkin' about
makin' a few changes.

Like what?

I don't know. Just changes.

Well, you sure that's wise, Phil?

I mean, you've had an awful lot
of changes imposed on you in recent days.

Maybe it's time for you to just, you know,
let things settle.

I've been toying with the idea of...

pursuing a... different line of work.

Something other than marketing?

Yeah.

Well, speaking as your friend,
Phil, as one who knows you...

intimately, as it were,

I-I think that's a bad idea,

Dare I say an entirely shitty idea.

Why?

Well, because "A," you were born for this.
You have a gift.

I'm not Murdoch.

Well, nobody's Murdoch.

Murdoch doesn't exist.
He's what we pumped him up to be.

"B," I don't exactly relish the idea of
goin' out on the road with somebody new.

It was gonna happen sooner or later.

No, it wasn't.

I was always hoping we'd end in a kind of
murder-suicide thing.

[sigh]

[quiet chatter]

[Phil sighing]

I've been thinking about...

a lot of other things lately too.

Well, Phil, if something's bothering you,
get it out.

I mean, it doesn't do any good
to let things fester.

What exactly have you been...

thinking so much about?

Life.

Life?

And death.

Jesus, not you too?

What is it with everyone
suddenly thinking about life and death?

Is there something going on

that nobody's telling me
that I should be told about,

like sunspots or something?

Is there a plague coming
to wipe us from the globe?

Strange things happen.

No, they don't.

Not unless they're printed first
in USA Today.

Jesus comes again, he's got to give 'em
two days' notice.

Time to work up one of them little graphs.

I've been thinking about God lately, too.

Wondering.

About God?

Yeah.

What about him?

I don't know.

Haven't you just wondered about God, ever?

Well, yeah. Everybody wonders about God
every now and then.

It's just some of us don't dwell on it,
you know?

I give it a place.
I believe what I believe.

- Which is what?
- How the hell should I know?

When I was a kid,
I had a dream about God.

I dreamt...

I found him hiding in a closet

in the middle of a burnt-out city.

This city was destroyed by fire...

or some kind of explosion.

And...

there in the middle of it...

was a coat closet...

standing there all by itself.

And I walked up to the closet
and opened the door...

and inside was God,

hiding.

I remember he had a-a big lion head.

But I knew it wasn't a lion.

It was God.

And he was afraid.

And... I reached out my hand...

to lead him out of the closet,

and I said,

"Don't be afraid, God."

"I'm on your side."

And we stood there,

the two of us,

holding hands,

looking out over the destruction.

It was just after sunset.

I don't know why,
but I've always had this...

haunting feeling...

that I had some kind
of mission here on earth.

A mission?

Yeah.

What kind of mission?

I have no idea.

Well, I'll tell you what your mission is.

Your mission is the same as mine...

To be a... liaison between parties.

Things like that don't bother you, huh?

What do you mean? Dreams?

Questions about God.

Well, I figure, you know...

I'm gonna find out sooner or later.

My wondering about it
isn't gonna change anything.

You know, in the meantime, why lose sleep?
I get precious little as it is.

But you still wonder, don't you?

I'm human, Phil.

I know.

We're all very tired, Phil.
You know, it's the nature of the business.

You've been under
a lot of stress lately, too.

Is that what it is?

Yeah. You're damn right that's what it is.

You need a vacation.

I just had a vacation.

Well, it didn't do any good,
so you need another one.

You know, maybe just a good, hot date.

- [chuckling] Yeah?
- Yeah.

You need, uh, what's-her-name, the blonde.

- Susan.
- [chuckles] Yeah. Susan.

That's what you do.
That's exactly what you do.

You call her up,

you tell her you made reservations
in the dells,

you buy yourself a gross
or two of condoms,

and then the two of you
go at it like hamsters in heat.

You forget about work.
You forget about everything.

You know, you just go on up there
and get your ashes hauled.

[no audible dialogue]

Do you love me, Larry?

D-Do I love you?

Yeah.

Well, it depends on what you mean, Phil.
I mean...

If you're asking, am I willing
to have your children, well, then, no,

I probably don't love you.

Why do you ask?

It's just a question.

How could I not love you?

You have good hygiene.
You're a snappy dresser.

You don't talk with your mouth full.
What's not to love about that?

Forget it.

What brought that on?

Well, when I was a kid,

there was a Bible verse that I learned.

And Jesus said,

"Greater love has no man than this:"

"That he lays down
his life for his friend."

Are you asking,
would I be willing to die for you?

I guess so.

Well, that's pushing things
kind of far, Phil.

I mean, what situation
could possibly come up

that I would be called upon
to die for you?

- Beats me.
- [chuckles]

I mean, what? You're saying, "Hey, hey."

"Larry, take a flying leap
off the balcony"? No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't ask you.

Well, even if you did,
I'd say, "Phil, my friend",

"we've enjoyed a long
and happy relationship"

"these last I-don't-know-how-many years,"

"but in answer to your request,
no, fuck you,"

and then I would dismiss myself,
no hard feelings.

Right. You should.

I don't know who I love.

There's a lot of people I like.

But love?

That's a whole different story.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

Oh!

He's here!

I told you.

So.

What?

How'd it go?

Okay.

Did you find him?

Yes, I-I found him.

[Phil] And?

And we talked.

And?

And nothing. We just talked.

Well, what'd you talk about, Bob?

Bob, what did you talk about?

We talked about Christ.

You talked about...

Jesus.

Did you mention, perhaps,
What line of lubricants

Jesus would have endorsed?

- Larry...
- What did you say to him, Bob?

We just... discussed things.

Concerning Jesus?

- Concerning a lot of things.
- In relation to...

- Jesus.
- Jesus.

Yes, I see.

[claps hands] So the subject of lubricants
didn't come up, I take it.

Well, the nature of the conversation
steered itself away from that.

The nature did?

All by itself?

Yes.

So, conversation was
just kind of going along,

and then, you know, on its own,

and then suddenly,
sort of out of the blue,

and before you knew it,
you were just there talking about God

or Jesus... Excuse me.

It was just two people talking.

I'm about to say something to you, Bob.

It's not something I say
to a lot of people,

because I have to truly
mean it and believe it.

Because to me, it's like
telling somebody to go to hell.

That's what it means to me.

- What is it?
- It's that I don't believe you, Bob.

- You don't...
- Believe you.

Yes, I'm having a hard time
convincing myself

that what you just said is true.

- It is true.
- Perhaps.

But I'm having a hard time.
Do you understand?

Larry. Come on.

Leave me alone!

[Larry] will you please...

I'm trying to deal with things here, okay,
so just don't interrupt me again.

It's all right, Phil.

See? It's all right.

Now, Bob, I'd like to ask you a question,

and I'd like a straight answer.

- Can you give that to me?
- Yes.

Who... raised...

the subject of Jesus, honestly?

I did.

You...

Yes.

Mentioned Jesus first.

Yes.

Why?

Because it's very important to me...

that people hear about Jesus.

You mean, that...

That he died for their sins?

Yes.

Okay, Bob. Let me restate the question.

Understanding that it was...

very important to our being here

that we meet with
and speak to Mr. Fuller

concerning... the lubricant situation,

why did you instead...

choose to talk to him about Jesus?

[exhales]

Because I think it's more important.

Even though we're at a convention
where it's more customary to...

talk business.

Yes! I understand, Larry.

I just don't see the crime in speaking

to, uh, another human being
as another human being.

I didn't mention work or lubricants
or anything like that

because I didn't want him
to think I was using...

the subject of religion to cozy up to him,

to get him to sign some contract.

I didn't want him
to think I was insincere.

But you were insincere, Bob,
in a much greater sense.

If we're nothing but functions here,
then why don't they just send robots?

They don't send robots, Bob,
for the simple reason,

they haven't invented one yet.

The day comes when they can build a robot

to do what we do and make it work,

then that's exactly what they'll do,

precisely.

But until that day, they send us.

They say, "Hey, Bob, Larry, Phil",

"why don't you go on down to Wichita
for a couple of days?"

"Don't worry about your room and board.
We'll take care of that."

And for a couple of days, Bob,

we lose our identities

here in Wichita,

and we become... the hands of the company,

shaking all the other hands before us.

What you did...
The reason you were insincere,

is that you cut off that bond.

It would be like the hand just sort of
breaking away from the arm and saying,

"Oh, you know what?
I have this thing out here to do"

"that has nothing to do with you."

- The Apostle Paul said...
- Please don't do that.

I'm trying to have conversation with you.
Don't bring the Apostle Paul in.

I'm trying to do something else.

I don't see how we can have
a conversation like this

if I'm not allowed to bring up
the subject of God.

We're not talking about God.

I'm talking about
something bigger than God.

- Bigger than God?!
- At issue, Bob, is not your belief in God

or your desire to spread that belief.

At issue is what we're here to do.

Which is what, Larry? Which is what?!

We're here to sell lubricants, Bob!

Industrial lubricants!
We're not here to save souls.

We're not here to go chasing women either,
but that doesn't seem to stop you.

How dare you throw that back in my face?

How dare you, you little pipsqueak?

There is nothing wrong
with admiring the scenery

while you're doing business,

as long as you're doing business!

And for your information, son,

fifteen years,

not once have I cheated on my wife.

If you look at a woman with lust,
it's the same as...

No, it's not!
There's a hell of a difference...

That's not what Jesus said...

How do you know what Jesus said,
for Christ's sake? Were you there?

- No, somebody wrote it down in a book.
- Larry.

If somebody handed it down,
you believe it, yeah, sure.

Transcriptions are true!

It doesn't mean I'm right or you're right.
We weren't there!

Larry.

- The Bible specifically says...
- Don't you quote scripture to me, Bob!

Do not do it!

I go back to what the Apostle Paul...

The Apostle Paul was not sent to Wichita
to hawk...

[shouting over each other]

Larry! Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

[grunting]

Larry. Larry!

With or without the account,

we'll live.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

[Larry] Yes.

We'll live.

[Phil] we'll live.

I believe I just said that.

I'm suddenly very conscious
of the lateness of things.

What time do you want to get together
in the morning?

[sighs]

It does... Doesn't matter.

What time?

7:30.

Make it 8:00.

Fine, 8:00.

Forgive me, Bob, for...

behaving as though I were your father,

of trying to give you
a little something of...

what I am.

It's all right.

[Phil] Larry.

Good night.

[door closes]

There's somethin' I wanna say to you.

And I want you to listen very closely,

because it's very important.

The man we just chased from here...

We didn't chase anybody.

The man who just left the room

a moment ago

is a very good friend of mine.

Is it because I've known him
for a long time?

Well, there are a lot of people

who I've known for quite a while.

And some of them
I wouldn't let wipe my dog's ass.

Others, I can take or leave.
They don't matter to me.

But Larry matters very much,

the reason being

I can trust him.

I know I can trust him.

He's honest.

Is he honest

or is he just blunt?

He's honest, Bob.

He's blunt as well.

That sometimes is part of being honest,

Because there are a lot of people
who are blunt, but not honest.

Larry is not one of those.

Larry is an honest man.

You, too, are an honest man, Bob.

I believe that...

That somewhere down deep inside of you

is something that strives to be honest.

The question that you have to ask yourself

is, "Has it touched the whole of my life?"

What does that mean?

That means that you preaching Jesus

is no different than Larry
or anybody else preaching lubricants.

It doesn't matter whether you're selling
Jesus or Buddha or civil rights

or how to make money in real estate
with no money down.

That doesn't make you a human being.

It makes you a marketing rep.

If you wanna talk to somebody honestly,

as a human being,

ask him about his kids.

Find out what his dreams are,
just to find out.

For no other reason.

Because as soon as
you lay your hands on a conversation,

to steer it,

it's not a conversation anymore.

It's a pitch,
and you're not a human being.

You're a marketing rep.

[sniffles] Forgive me
if I respectfully disagree.

We were talking before about... character.

You were asking me about character.

And we were speaking of faces.

But the question is much deeper than that.

The question is,

"Do you have any character at all?"

And if you want my honest opinion, Bob,
you do not,

for the simple reason

that you don't regret anything yet.

You're saying I won't have any character

unless I do something I regret?

No, Bob.

I'm saying you've already done
plenty of things to regret.

You just don't know what they are.

It's when you discover them,

when you see the folly
in something you've done

and you wish...

that you had it to do over,

but you know you can't,

'cause it's too late.

So you pick that thing up
and you carry it with you

to remind you that life goes on.

The world will spin without you.

You really don't matter in the end.

Then you will attain character.

Because... honesty

will reach out from inside

and tattoo itself all across your face.

Until that day,

however,

you cannot expect to go
beyond a certain point.

[sighs] May I go now?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

[sighs] Hmm. Hmm.

Good night.

[phone rings]

[ringing continues]

Hello?

No, you just missed him.

What's that?

I love you too.

Yeah.

[Baz Lumberman recites over music]
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not understand the power and
beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back
at photos of yourself

and recall in a way you can't grasp now.

How much possibility lay before you

and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future,

or worry, but know that worrying

is as effective as trying to solve
an algebra equation

by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life

are apt to be things
that never crossed your worried mind,

The kind that blindsides you at 4:00 P.M.
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless
with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people
who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy.

Sometimes you're ahead,

sometimes you're behind.

The race is long, and in the end,

it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know
what you want to do with your life.

The most interesting people
I know didn't know at 22

what they wanted to do with their lives.

Some of the most interesting
40-year-old I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.
You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll have children.
Maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken
on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it
or what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument
you'll ever own.

Dance,

even if you have nowhere to do it
but in your own living room.

Read the directions
even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.

You never know
when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They're your best link to your past
and the people most likely

to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with the precious few
you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps
in geography and lifestyle,

for as the older you get,

the more you need the people you knew
when you were young.

Live in New York City once,
but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once,

but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Don't mess too much with your hair

or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,

but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
from the disposal,

wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts.

And recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

[vinyl skipping]

[rock song starts playing]