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* Well maybe we won't be
forgiven *

* For all the things
we've said and done *

* But don't you ever give up
or give in *

* 'Cause you know
the show must go on *

* And don't believe them
if they tell you *

* Where you're from is
where you belong *

* Just get up off your knees
and say *

"Fuck you, I'm on my way"

* The show must go on *

(woman)
Emerson, are you there?

(phone line ringing)
Pick up!

(recorded operator's voice)
The party you are calling

is not receiving calls
at this time.

Son of a bitch.

(dialing)

(phone line ringing)

(man)
Hi, it's Emerson.
Please leave a short message.

(beep)
Emerson, hi.

It's Didi, sweetheart.

Um, you were supposed
to meet me here

about half an hour ago
at Frankie and Johnny's.

So just give me a call

and let me know when you're
gonna to be here, okay?

Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am?

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

(cell phone ringtone playing)

(man)
Hello, this
is Harris Chappell.

(man, on phone)
Hey, Chappell!

Wolfie.

(knocking)
Here we go, here we go!

You've done it, Harris!

And you're going to make
the big announcement tonight?

Yes.

I'm just pulling up
to the restaurant now.

And you've got
the financing, right?

Yeah, I'm meeting Didi
and the money guy, Monte Sobel.

He's financing the whole play.

How's "The Moon's a Balloon."

It's was just okay.

You know I loathe the great
American musical.

You hate 'em!
(chuckles)

Back on Broadway, baby!

Well, thank you.

It's lovely being
back in New York.

Maybe after this meeting,
I'll be able to afford it.

All right.

Here you go.

Um, keep the change,
I guess.

Oh, great--
thanks, man.

I forgot how gorgeous
you are.

You are gorgeous when
you're grabbing the hook.

I haven't seen you since you
cast me in that horrible

Bart Liebowitz
nightmare movie.

Sorry, I'll never
forgive myself,

especially since the stupid
studio put it into turnaround.

Oh, no.

It was that Bart Liebowitz,
producer from Hell.

But you know what, darling?

It doesn't matter--
we're still standing.

We are.

This play is--
it's a masterpiece.

Oh, this play is going to
put you back on top.

You will soon be king,
Prince Hal.

Oh, yes.

I know you all,

and will something
something abide

the something
of your idleness.

The idleness.

Where's Monte?

Um...

Monte's not coming,
honey.

What?
Yeah.

He found me in bed

with another man and, uh,

he's not going to
be back in the play.

I'm going to strangle
you right here--

No, no, no,
I have you covered, darling.

What do you mean
you have me covered?

Emerson Todd,
more money than God.

It had better be, because
I'm in a terrible position.

He is going to make Monte...

He's a much better angel
than Monte would ever be.

Let's go inside,
I'm freezing.

Come on.
Excuse me...

No, no, I don't have
any change.

Oh, poor thing
looks hungry.

Well, it's New York.

We're all hungry.

(music playing)

(woman)
Can I have the sirloin, medium?

(second woman)
Really good, really good....

(phone rings)

(man)
Hey, yeah.

Look, I'm at Frankie
and Johnny's.

There he is.

Ah, Mr. Chappell,
my old friend, how are you?

Good to see you--
you look wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Hi there.
Ah, Didi.

Good to see you again.

You look beautiful,
as always.

Oh, stop.
Good to see you again.

These people don't know
who you are.

I know, it just makes me
feel good pretending they do.

Where's Mike?

Very good.

Who's that?

(woman)
My God.

(man)
You know him?

Ricardo, I know everybody.

But that, my friend,
is Harris Chappell.

(man)
His table's not ready.

He didn't make
a reservation.

Oh, all right.

Hey, how are you?

Let's get you folks checked.

Is there a problem?
No, no, no.

(man)
You go to school with these
guys, you think you know them,

and look what happens.

Mr. Carver,
everything okay?

I gotta go.
I'm out of this--

I'm going to have to
get out of here.

Hello.

(phone rings)

Um, your pocket's ringing.

Well, someone's pocket
better be ringing.

You're about to be
a very happy man.

I have to take this.

You okay for time?

My battery's running out.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

May I take your coat?

Emerson, what is
the problem?

I need you down here now!

How we doing, Peter?

It'll just be a few minutes.

Look, I know even though
you've made your money,

your real dream
is to be an actor.

Well, this is your chance!

You've heard of my new drama,

"The Life and Times
of Jackson Sweetwater"?

Who hasn't?

Everybody's talking
about it.

(Harris)
Yeah, that's the point,
keep them talking.

I just wish
it was a musical.

I direct real theater.

I don't direct musicals.

Emerson, listen.
this play is going to be

the biggest serious drama...

...since Tennessee Williams
died.

Or what about Arthur Miller?

Okay, maybe since
Arthur Miller.

Well, I hope you'll be here
opening night...

...waiting for
the rave reviews.

Are you kidding me?

Where else would I be?
Where-- At Sardi's?

I don't think so.

(man)
I would hope not.

Never.

Well, just like
the old days, then, huh?

Just like the old days,
Peter.

Yeah.

So get your sweet,
beautiful ass down here!

Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you.

Come on, Nick, let's
get this guy out of here.

Yeah, I mean, you know
what I'm talking about.

Mr. Carver, you're going
to miss your curtain.

Come back soon.

Sure...okay.

Well, why don't you just
meet me here,

and we'll walk over
together.

Good.

May I take your coat?

Oh, thank you.

Oh...thank you.

Oh, this is fabulous.

It's over 20 years old.

It's my favorite.

Well, I promise to take
good care of it.

Hmm, you're an actress,
right?

How could you tell?

It's what I do for a living.

You a good actress?

Yes, I'd like to think so.

Wrong.

You are a fabulous actress.

(laughs)
Like your coat?

Just like my coat.

And when I come back here,

we're going to talk
about your career.

Look, I know you like it.

I would come over
and do that to you,

but I'd rather
you meet me here first.

**

Hey, Max.

Max!

Harris Chappell.

Hey.

(piano comes back in)

Where's Mike?

Won the lotto.

Retired to Florida.

Oh.

Lot of new faces here.

When was the last time
you were in?

A year ago,
maybe two.

I've been working here
for about a year.

You like it?
I do.

I'm Ricardo.

Harris Chappell.
So I hear.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

What can I get for you?

Well, let's see.

Now, you look like
an intuitive man,

so when you look at me,
what do you see?

A gin martini,
extra dry,

two olives...
Bombay Sapphire.

Well, that's not bad.

You just add two onions,
and you got it.

Oh, a two-onion man.

Yes, I find it adds a certain
zest to the martini.

What are you drinking?

Scotch.

Well, you see,
that's more a man's drink,

but I have a healthy respect
for scotch.

I'm sorry.
Why?

Well, because when I'm not
drinking gin,

I'm usually
drinking scotch.

Ah.
Ricardo...

her next drink is on me,
but make it a gin martini.

Two onions.

Maybe I'm not the kind of girl
who accepts drinks

from just anyone?

Maybe you should.
I do.

You don't remember me,
do you?

Refresh my memory.

Two years ago, you were here
for the Tony awards.

I'm here every year
for the Tony awards,

even when I'm not
nominated.

That table.

2:00 AM.

(laughs)

Oh, it's all coming back to me.

I thought it might.

My apologies.

Oh...

You got a name?
People do.

Yeah, uh...
Nikki.

Nikki?
My name is Nikki.

Nikki Ross,
like the other night.

Oh, pardonne-moi, madam.

You're that Nikki.

You're the writer at the "Post."

I am.
(laughter)

Well, word has it that
you're ready for a leap

after you got your
ass kicked in Hollywood.

That's a bit hostile.

I wouldn't say
I got my ass kicked.

I was spanked.

Oh.

Oh, and now, as I recall,

you know quite a bit
about spanking.

I guess I wasn't just a blur.

But that was then.

Now word has it
that you are directing

the new Malcolm Andrews play.

Word is correct.

So do you see another Tony
in your future?

My dear, if "The Life and Times
of Jackson Sweetwater"

doesn't earn me another Tony,
I'll give all the others back.

Well, aren't we feeling good
about ourselves?

I usually do.

I have another question.

Shoot.

(laughs)

Is it true that
Malcolm Andrews died

just a few days after
he finished the play?

No.
(clears throat)

Truth is, poor Malcolm
dotted his last "I,"

crossed his final "T"

ten minutes before shuffling
off this mortal coil.

I was there--
I was by his bedside.

I caught the pen as it dropped
from his withered,

arthritic hand.

No!

May I quote you?

Does the "Post" actually
quote people these days?

What else do you think
you know?

I think I know you cast
David Thiel in a major role,

but your lead,
Jackson Sweetwater,

is the biggest secret
in town.

(chuckles)

You have done your homework.

So, why this project?

My "Death of a Salesman."

My "Long Day's Journey
into Night."

Arthur Miller.

Tennessee Williams.

Malcolm Andrews.

And you are-- tsk, tsk, tsk.

Nikki, you're asking me why
I direct this play?

(phone plays musical ringtone)

Oh, you know, I hate musicals,
but I just love Ethel Merman.

Excuse me.

Hello, this is Harris Chappell.

This is Spencer West.

Yes, where are you?

I'm outside.

Why are you outside?

I was waiting for you.

(Harris)
Well, I'm waiting
for you inside.

Okay, I'm coming in.

So who are you meeting?

Hmm...you know,
it's nice to meet you.

We have to do this again.

So...

Who are you meeting?

How old are you?

27.
So, when we--

25 when we did it.
(laughs)

When we did it...

I like older men.

Spank me, daddy.

(sighs)

(giggles)

Spencer?

Mr. Chappell.

No, no, no, call me Harris.

Come on,
let's check this stuff.

All right.

Weren't you cold outside?

(laughs)
There you go.

More?
Yes, more.

Now, Spencer,
this is Sophia.

Sophia Martinelli--
nice to met you.

Sophia, this is...
Spencer West.

Spencer West.

And you are both actors.

I'll take that.

Come on, we have important
matters to discuss.

We're ready for our table.

Uh, yeah, this way,
Mr. Chappell.

Why don't you sit here?

All right.

Alfonso will take
very good care of you.

Thank you, Peter.
Thank you.

A cocktail before dinner?

Uh, yes, my usual.

Your usual?

Yes. Tell Ricardo
it's for Harris Chappell.

And for the young man?

Just water.

No, no, no, no.

You will not have
"just water."

Live a little.

Club soda?
No, no.

With a lime?
No.

Do you drink beer?

I mean, I just turned 21
last week, so...

Well, happy birthday.

Alfonso, a Moretti for this
future Broadway star.

Yes, sir.

Do you really think I'm
gonna be a Broadway star?

Absolutely, as long as
you don't freeze your ass off

waiting outside
restaurants.

I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry about it.

Have you done any work
before in the theater?

I had an audition
to replace someone

in "The Moon's a Balloon."

I saw that this afternoon.

The matinee.
It's one of my favorites.

Really?
You had an audition?

Yeah.

I didn't get the part, but...

Well, that's their
mistake.

Then again, most people
in this business

don't know what
they're doing.

So that's
the Harris Chappell?

I wonder who the kid is.

Who's that good-looking kid
with Harris Chappell?

He is cute.

Yeah, sure is.

I noticed him outside
when met Harris.

Well, his name is Spencer,

and according
to Mr. Chappell,

they have important matters
to discuss.

Oh, of course.

Yes, Harris mentioned to me
we'd be meeting him.

Well, I'll just freshen up
before I join them, then.

Okay.
Thanks.

You know, I want to thank you
for spending the time

to meet with me,
Mr. Chappell.

You're very welcome,
it's my pleasure.

But you really should thank
your father.

How do you two know
each other?

He didn't tell you?
No.

Well, when your dad and I
were, uh, in college,

we worked summers at, uh,

Camp Waunakee,
in New Hampshire.

Is that, like,
a theatrical camp?

(laughs)
I only wish.

No, it was a sports camp.

Anyway, I was playing
third base umpire.

Playing third base umpire?

Yeah, obviously I was
out of my element.

And your dad was coaching.

And there was this play
at my-- my-- my base.

And apparently
I just missed the call.

I was reading a book
at the time.

It was "War and Peace."

And what did my dad do?

Your dad came running
across the field.

He wanted to kill me

What happened?
I ran.

I was really fast
in those days, luckily.

And then you two
just became friends?

We just became friends
at the Whitehorse Inn

over lobsters and beer.

Sweet.

Yeah, my dad said that
you owed him a favor.

That's true.

A favor he's been
waiting to collect on

for over 20 years, but he just
won't take my money.

Why not?

He said he would rather me
owe him a favor.

He would collect on it
sooner or later.

Thank you.

So I guess that's why
you're meeting with me.

No, no, no.

I liked you on the phone
when we talked yesterday.

I wanted to have
dinner with you.

And as I said previously,
I think you are--

Well, you have...
a nice quality.

Perhaps I will
direct you someday.

(Harris)
Who knows?

Well, that would be sweet.

That'd be really sweet.

Well, so,

is this the young man
you told me

you had a meeting
with tonight?

Indeed, it is.
Well...

Had you known who he was,

you could have held your meeting
out on the sidewalk.

Didi Ravenal--
pleasure to meet you.

Spencer West.

Nice to meet you,
Miss Ravenal.

Oh, call me Didi.

Any friend of Harris' is
a friend of mine.

Yes, not necessarily
in that order.

This is much cozier
in here

than out there
on the street, eh?

Yes, it is.

Well, let's not make it
too cozy, my dear.

Did you know that Spencer was
offered a full scholarship

at Cornell for math and science,
and he turned it down?

Well, now I am impressed.

Why did you turn that down?

Um, I-- actually, I kind of
caught the acting bug

my junior year of high school.

I got the lead
in "Guys and Dolls."

Oh, another musical.

(Spencer laughs)

(Harris)
Nathan Detroit will get you
every time.

I have to tell you, I saw your
commercial on the internet.

Really?
What did you think?

I thought you were very,
very good in it.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Well, thanks.

So, what else have you
been doing?

Just auditioning.

I think Spencer's probably
wonderful at auditioning.

Cattle calls, right?

Yeah. Yes, sir.

There's lots of young bulls
at cattle calls.

Uh, from what I've been told.

You know, he's trying to get
an agent, not a stud fee.

Alfonso!

Was that too loud?

You'll have to forgive
my friend here.

She's a...
a little man-happy.

(Spencer)
Man-happy?

Mm-hmm, she got more oats
in her than a Quaker.

Oh, that's interesting.

(man)
Good evening,
Miss Diamond.

Your guests are seated.
Roman.

Do you know who
Nancy Diamond is?

Yeah, she owns
Diamond Artists.

Yes, and, uh...

Do you think that's
a good agency?

I'd say that's
a great agency.

Well, I wouldn't
say much right now

because she
walking over here.

Hello.

Well, hi.
Nancy, it's great to see you.

Nice to see you again.
Thank you.

Hi, Didi, how are you?

Fine, Nancy, thanks.

How's the new play coming?

Oh, it's great.

We're about to make
our big announcement.

I was very disappointed
when you turned down Jack

for the leading role.

Sorry, Jack's a great actor,

but he's not right
for this role.

I would think I represent
somebody who's,

as you put it,
"right" for the role.

Who are you?

Forgive me,
this is Spencer West.

Oh.

It's nice to meet you,
Miss Diamond.

Yes, and who represents you,
young man?

He's actually seeking
representation.

You know, Harris,
if the new play wins a Tony,

you could go back
to Hollywood.

I'm working on
something for you.

Well, that's
very nice of you.

Hollywood was not
good to me.

That's because
you weren't in control.

Bart Liebowitz was in charge,
you took the fall.

Everybody knows that.
Yeah.

Next time will be different.

Well, I appreciate
your support.

Should we get together?

Would you like to have lunch?

I would love to.

End of the week?

End of the week, Roman?
Yes, Miss Diamond.

Yes, that would be perfect.
Thank you.

Great to see you, darling.

Nice to see you.
Nice to see you again, Didi.

You too.

And nice to meet you,
uh, Steven.

Enjoy your meal.

(Nancy)
William, hello.

Well, Steven,
that is Nancy Diamond.

I don't care if she said Steven,
that was Nancy Diamond!

She's lassoed her share
of young bulls at cattle calls.

Didi.
What?

I'm simply trying
to educate Spencer

as to what goes on
in this business.

I'll do that,
thank you very much.

Yeah, she's a great agent,
but you're going to have to

put together
a little résumé

if you want someone like
that to sign you.

I think just meeting
her was sweet.

Ah, you use this term,

and I have no idea
what you're saying.

What is--
Sweet?

Oh, I'm sorry, it's like
saying "great," but better.

Mm.
So, Spencer,

besides auditioning, what else
have you done recently?

About a month ago,
I did a workshop

for a musical called
"Angels in Hell."

Angels in...
In Hell.

Aha, that sounds promising.

Then last week I did a student
film about the Civil War.

(Harris)
Civil War is good.

We shot in south Jersey.

I hope that wasn't
a musical.

No.

No, I actually,
I played the grandfather

of a man who's out
looking for his daughter,

who is masquerading as a boy

so she can join
the Confederate Army.

Hmm.

Kind of a "Boys Don't Cry"
period piece.

Yeah, I never thought
about it like that.

Now, listen, Spencer.

Listen to me, now.

When you talk about
your credits,

you have to make them sound
a little bigger than they are.

In other words,
my handsome friend, lie.

Lie?

No, I don't agree--
not lie, no.

But it wouldn't hurt you
to exaggerate a little bit.

What do you mean?

Well, Spencer...

do you know what makes
great theater?

Yeah.

I'll tell you.

It's simple.

You see, a play or movie
is just like life,

except we just take
all the boring parts out.

It's taking a good story
and making a great story,

making it larger than life.

Exaggerating.

Just exaggerating?

Just exaggerating.

Because that's all this
show business really is.

Its just exaggeration.

I have a lot to teach you.

I would appreciate any help
that you could give me.

You have it. Oh--

Any decisions yet?

You'll have to give us
five minutes, Alfonso.

But in the interim, Miss Ravenal
is desperate for a drink.

Desperate, yes.

I would love
a Grey Goose martini

straight up
with some olives.

And I would like it stirred,
not shaken.

We wouldn't want to bruise
the ice.

And make it dirty.

No, we mustn't.

**

Good evening, Mr. Thiel.

That's David Thiel,
a really good actor.

Harris, I need to talk
to you.

Oh, darling, how are you?

What are you
doing here, David?

We're supposed to meet
at the theater?

Well, something's come up.
Can it wait?

No.
Oh, sorry.

This is Spencer West,
this is David Thiel.

Yeah, I know who
Mr. Thiel is.

You are a wonderful actor.

Oh, oh, well, thanks.

Who are you again?

Spencer West.
He's also an actor.

Who isn't in New York?

Oh, have I seen you
in anything recently?

I did something on the web.

What, the new series?
No, the internet.

Fellas, we're not here
to trade credits.

Harris, I need you.

I really need to talk to you
for just a second.

Spencer, don't you need
to use the facilities?

The men's room.

Oh, yeah,
the men's room.

That sounds like a good idea.

I'll order for you.
What do you want?

I'm just going to get
a burger, medium.

No, you can't order
a burger.

Up-and-coming Broadway stars
don't eat burgers.

He's an up-and-coming
Broadway star?

Well, it's--

Oh, wow.
All right!

Larry Lind is coming
over here.

Are you serious?
He's on his way now!

He'll queer the whole deal,
you'll pardon the expression.

Her boyfriend...

Emerson.
Emerson Todd.

Emerson Todd is joining us.

He's putting up the money
to finance the play.

I thought you said it was
Monte something or other.

No, no, no, no.

It was Monte something
or other.

If Larry Lind walks in here,
it'll ruin everything.

I've been trying to keep
his identity a secret

until we make
the big announcement.

Well, darling, Larry is
on his way over here right now

to bitch about the script.

What's wrong with the script?

I think it's magnificent,
but you know Larry Lind.

Do you see that woman
at the bar?

With the extremely
large breasts?

There's only one
woman at the bar.

I was just identifying her,
Jesus.

She's with the "Post."

She's sniffing around
for a story.

If Larry Lind walked in here...
Don't worry.

He's coming in a disguise.

Oh, my God.

Are we ready to order?

Uh, thank you-- what, uh...
Oh, no, no.

I just want another
Grey Goose martini.

I'm not eating anything.

All right, then Spencer and I
will have two Caesar salads,

extra anchovies for on mine,
and two rib eye steaks.

A nice Cabernet for the dinner,
and bring a martini now.

Will Mr. Thiel be joining
us for dinner?

Yeah, I'll have-

No, he's got somebody
he's got to meet in the bar.

You go in there,
and you keep her busy.

Well, it looks like she
just went to the restroom.

Then wait for her
until she comes out.

I can see it from here.

Oh, please, someone help me.

Oh!

Whoa!

Excuse me, this is the--

This is the men's room.

Well, I can see that.

Uh, yeah, excuse me, I...

I came in here because
I wanted to meet you.

And so you picked the men's room
to break the ice?

Well, I couldn't just
come over to the table.

Why not?

I'm a little shy.
You're shy?

Hi, I'm Nikki.

Spencer. I'm just--

Wait a minute, you're
an actor, aren't you?

How did you know?

You look like one.

Have I seen you
in anything?

(laughter outside)

Yeah, I just finished
my first film.

That must have been great.

It's kind of a "Boys Don't Cry"
set in the Civil War.

Sounds very interesting.

It's a very, you know,
provocative piece.

So, um, Spencer...

what brings you
out here tonight?

Oh, I'm having dinner with
Harris Chappell, the director.

Harris Chappell?

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Are you going to be in something
that he's directing?

I can't talk about that.

Oh, well...

Am I interrupting something?

Not yet.

No, no, we were
just talking.

I see.

Spencer, why don't you
meet me in the bar

after you finish
dinner?

I mean, that is,
unless you other plans.

No, I don't have any plans.

Yay.

Okay,
see you later.

Bye .

All right.

I think she likes me.

You do?
You don't?

**

(Didi)
What are you complaining about?

It doesn't matter what he's
complaining about.

He needs to be heard.

(Harris)
That's what I don't understand.

You're the center.

You're the center.

Everything depends on you,
all right?

So just treat him with
respect, okay?

I think you need to call him
and tell him not to come.

I'm not gonna-- he's
on his way right now.

Thanks, Alfonso.
I don't think she went
to the ladies' room.

I think she left
out the back door.

(man)
Harris.

Oh, my God,
Bart Liebowitz.

I had to come over
and say hello.

It's nice to see you.

(chuckles)
Harris.

David, nice to
see you again.

Bart, hi.

Hi. Didi,
you look great.

Thank you--
thanks, Bart.

Everybody,
this is Candy.

Hello, Candy.
Hi.

Delicious.
Edible.

Yeah, she's edible.

She's not
the only one.

I don't believe I know
this young man.

Oh, um...
This is Bart Liebowitz.

Spencer West.

Another one of your
discoveries, Harris?

You're going to be
seeing him around.

I guarantee that.

Mr. Liebowitz, I have to say,
your action sequences

in "Subway to Death,"
they were amazing.

Thank you.

Amazing is my trademark.

Enjoy your dinner.

Yeah, thank you.

Nice to meet you,
Candy.

(Spencer)
Bart Liebowitz.
Yep.

Bart Liebowitz.
The producer?

You worked with Bart,
didn't you?

Twice.
Yeah.

All of Harris' problems
in L.A.

are because of that
little turd, okay?

Didi.
What? I don't like him.

I said it.
Really?

We just didn't see eye to eye--
Just leave it at that.

See eye to eye,
as if that could ever happen!

Harris, that matter
that we spoke about...

Not nice.

It's not his fault.
Should we do something?

He's not very tall.
That matter that
we spoke about?

What matter?
The-- coming in the...

Oh,
the matter!

You head off that problem
in the bar.

Yeah, the large--

I will, uh, deal
with the other matter.

Okay, I'll be
in the bar.

Should I, um?
Oh, yes.

Why don't you go
to the bar with David?

Take your salad with you.

Come with me.
I need some company.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Bye.

All right...

when did this business
with Monte start?

(sighs)

So, you're an actor.

Yes, sir,
Mr. Thiel.

It's David.

Okay, David.

Yeah, I dream about
being onstage

with other great
actors like you.

Well, it's good
to have a dream.

It'll all happen in time.

You just have to, uh, just be
prepared to pay your dues.

And struggle, like I did.

My God, it was eight years
before I landed

my first major role.

Listen, I've got a--

Oh, sorry.
That's okay.

I got a big tip for you.

Might very well be a nice push
to your career.

Thanks.

If you're free later,
why don't you stop by my place,

and I can give you
that pointer.

Oh, I've actually
got plans later.

Harris obviously thinks
very highly of you.

Yeah, it would be unbelievable
to act with you in something

directed by Harris Chappell.

Yeah?

Would you like a drink,
Mr. Thiel?

Oh, yeah.

I'll have a Grey Goose
on the rocks.

Put it on Mr. Chappell's bill
and give yourself a lavish tip,

won't you, Ricardo?

Thank you.
I'll just take a club soda.

Club soda?

Ok, make it a Moretti.

Oh, and, Ricardo,
ask the young lady over there

to come join us,
won't you?

I will.

So how do you know Harris?

Well, I actually just met him
tonight for the first time.

(Harris)
All right, let me
get this straight.

I'm screwed because you
screwed this Emerson kid,

and Monte caught you?

Monte was supposed to be away
on business for a month.

How was I supposed to know
he would miss me so much

that he came back
two days early?

(harsh whisper)
I was depending on you.

Emerson is the answer
to all of your problems.

He makes Monte look
like a piker.

A piker?
Really?

Would I leave you hanging?

All right, I'll bite.

How much?

75 million.

Sweet...Jesus!

How did he make it?

The internet.

The internet!

I swear, the minute
he meets you,

he is going to be
throwing money at you.

All you have to do is offer
to let him read

for a tiny
part in the play.

I found out that
before he made

all that gorgeous
money on the internet,

he was in acting class.

I love this kid,
I love the internet,

I love his
entrepreneurial spirit.

Okay, he's going to meet us here
at 7:00 for dessert.

Oh, oh, great.

Is he bringing a check?

Well, that could take
a day or two.

Well, I can wait.

I love you,
Didi Ravenal hyphen Todd.

Yeah, not enough to marry me.

(chuckles)
Who said I'm marrying Emerson?

75 million?

Not to sound like a bad line
from a Bart Liebowitz movie,

but if you
don't, I will.

I should have married you.

Yes, you should have.

Want to get married now?

Harris!

We can wait until after
the kid's check clears.

I am not going to marry you.

Come on.
Why not?

Because it's too late.

You blew it.

**

You'll always be the love
of my life.

I know.

(tires screeching,
car horns honking)

Hello, Mr. Lind.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Oh.

Larry Lind is walking this way.

He's in disguise--
act natural.

Um...

Hey, Larry.

What a pleasant surprise.

We need to talk.

And hello to you.

Oh, Didi.

I didn't realize that you two
were a couple again.

No, no, we're not.

Ah, I'm glad to know
that you haven't made

the same mistake
three times.

I don't think I like
your sarcasm.

Well, I don't like
your bloody script.

Oh...

Do we have to talk
about this now?

Yes.

Can't it wait till tomorrow?

We're having dinner.

We have an opening
in less than an hour.

An opening?
For what?

"Plastic, Please: The Musical."

What in bloody hell is
"Plastic, Please: The Musical?"

It's a musical
about the environment.

It's a satire.

A friend of mine
is directing it.

We have to go.
Oh, surely you jest!

I mean,
you loathe musicals.

You always have.

So David Thiel says
he wants to talk to me?

That's right.

Hmm.

Easy.

It is supposed to be
very good.

Yes, and people are very
concerned about the environment.

Mm-hmm.
Global warming, fossil fuels.

Cows farting.
Cows farting?

Cow farting--
huge problem.

I don't give a damn about cows
farting or the environment.

A lot of people do, Larry,
a lot of people do.

How's everybody
doing here, huh?

Surely you're not going
to this ridiculous musical?

I gave him your ticket,
I'm sorry.

I'm here to talk to talk
about our play.

All right, I'm going to go
into the bar and join Spencer.

(Didi)
Harris?
Yes?

Please remember that Emerson
will be here at 7:00.

Oh, I will, thank you.

Oh, yes.

Could you take my salad,
because I've lost my appetite.

Thank you.

Who's Emerson?

Emerson is putting up
the money

to produce the play.

Whatever happened
to Monte what's his name?

Monte Sobel?
He's dead.

Dead?

He's dead.

Dead?
He's dead.

Dead?

He's dead.

Thank you.
Dead.

Spencer, may I join you?

Please, yeah.

Feel like I'm at a buffet.

I know what you mean.

Do you need a drink?

What do you think?

I'm Nikki Ross.

Spencer.

Oh, you two know each other?

Yeah, we met earlier, actually,
in the men's room.

Really?

Yeah, she followed me in.

Are you out
of your mind?

Malcolm Andrews is dead,

so he can't make changes
in the script.

I've already spoken
to Matthew Wolfe,

who told me that
he has the authority

to make limited
changes.

Matthew Wolfe is an attorney,
he's not a playwright.

Exactly, which is
why he's going to let me

make the rewrites
where necessary.

Let you...
Let us.

For how much?

Oh, for a few points
on the deal.

By the way, I'll need a few
things added to my contract

before I sign.

This is the name
of my personal trainer,

and this is
my nap schedule

so that you can build
your rehearsals around it.

Oh, and here are my menus
for lunch and dinner

for the first
two weeks.

Nothing for breakfast?

Oh, double burger,
Martell,

gray or black tea
will be fine,

with either a scone
or a Cinnabon.

Cinnabon?
Warmed.

Warmed?
But not hot.

Not...hot.

Anything else?

One last item.

I insist on final
script approval.

(silence)

Excuse me.

He didn't like that.

He didn't like it.

I think it's just fine.

It's just fine, Larry.
Just...

(car horns)

Wolfie,
this is Harris Chappell.

Hey,
great to hear your voice.

What the hell is going on
with you and Larry Lind?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?
What do I mean?

Wolfie, you give him
script approval?

(door creaking, footsteps)
Hey, Ma!

Ma, a little privacy, huh?

Close the door,
why can't you?

He said you agreed to it.

Wolfie, how long have you
and I known each other?

Since camp,
since I was ten.

Uh-huh.
When did you get stupid?

So, Miss Ross, what is it
you do for a living?

I'm a writer for the "Post."

Oh, of course.

I knew your name sounded
familiar.

You read my column?
Oh, no.

I have birds.

I didn't know you were
a reporter.

Something you neglected
to tell Spencer?

No, no,
it's not a secret...

like some other things
around here.

All right, so we
understand each other.

Absolutely, Larry gets no script
approval whatsoever.

Correct.

And you have the right
to make changes to the script

as you see fit.

And I get three points
in the deal.

You get two points.

I'm typing as we speak.

I'll have that paperwork to you
on Monday morning, my friend.

No, no, no.
I don't want it Monday morning.

I need it now.

Get it to the restaurant
in 30 minutes.

But, Harris...

Just put it in the form
of a deal memo.

We'll change it next week.

Ma,
I'm going out.

Oh, God.

He's coming around.

Here he comes.
Here he comes.

Here he comes.

This is turning into
a story conference.

Who were you talking to?

I was just trying
to manage you a ticket

for tonight's
performance.

Perhaps you'll reconsider.

Are you insane?

What has Hollywood
done to you?

Nothing that "The Life and Loves
of Jackson Sweetwater" won't--

"Life and Times,"
not "The Life and Loves."

That title needs work.

Work?
What else needs work?

Well, there are elemental
character changes required.

Required?

You should hear him out.

Of course...
Well, as I see it,
David is playing the role

of the autobiographer,

which ,of course,
is a great a role

and could earn him a Tony.

I couldn't agree more.

What I'm having
a problem with is that

all the men that
cross my path

as I tell the story of the life
of Jackson Sweetwater

seem, how shall I put it,
similar.

Similar?
The same.

I know what similar means.

What I'm suggesting is that

should not some
of those men be gay?

Gay?
Yes, gay.

Flaming?

No, not flaming.

Not flaming?
No.

Low-key, dignified.

(Harris)
Low-key, dignified.

Let me ask you a question.

How many low-key, dignified,
gay coal miners were there

in Pittsburg in 1920?

Oh, I'll bet Pittsburg was
a hotbed for repressed gay sex.
Do you think?

Well,
"Brokeback Mountain."

Mm.

I saw it three times.
Really?

I do think that this modest
alteration to the script will

make my character
that much more compelling,

which is what
this play needs.

More compelling.

Yes, I'm totally committed
to this, and so is David.

I think that Larry has really
got something here.

All right, all right.

So we have eight male
speaking parts, all right?

Now, would one low-key,
dignified, gay coal miner

satisfy you two?

Offhand, I'd say
at least two.

Oh, so you want two?
Or three.

Oh, you want three?

Now, you reali--

(laughs)

This is Malcolm Andrews
we are talking about.

This is a multiple Pulitzer
Prize-winning author.

This is a guy shortlisted
for the Nobel.

Oh, he was old!

Out of his mind when he died.

Understand this, Harris.

Without those changes, you
do not have Lawrence Lind

in this production.

Larry...

And without Lawrence Lind,
you have no production.

I shall expect to hear
from you tomorrow morning.

Jesus, Harris,
you know we need him.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

Didi, Harris wants you back
at the table.

He just needs to talk to her
alone for a few minutes.

Oh, that means I get a few
minutes alone Spencer.

Oh, you lucky girl, you.

I need a drink.

Ricardo, Goose me,
please.

What? What?

Oh, we have a problem.

Larry?

Larry!

He's being a royal pain
in the ass.

But he sells tickets,
and that's what it's all about.

Asshole.

(whispering)
Motherfucker.

(whispering)
Cocksucker.

Got us over a barrel.

Prima donna,
self-important, fuckhead

motherfucker, A.A.R.P.
geriatric piece of--

(woman)
Hi, Didi!

Hi.

(Nikki)
Come on, David,

who was that with you
at Chappell's table?

What are you drinking,
scotch?

Spencer, do you know
who that was?

Come on, why are you
pumping the kid?

Excuse me.

You deserved that.

Come on,
I need this story.

Hey, how's everything going?

Everything's fine.

How long have you been
working here?

Since my junior year
in high school.

I needed to make my own money
for acting classes.

Your parents won't
help you out?

No.

They want me to be
a teacher.

Oh.

I guess that's what you're
studying in school?

Yeah-- no.

I'm taking liberal arts, but my
parents are pretty focused

on what they want me to do
with my life.

Not acting, I guess.

No.

Have you done anything?

Yeah, a few workshops.

I played the Duchess
of Gloucester

in "Henry VI: Part Two,"

even though she's not
in it very long.

Eleanor?
Yeah!

She's got that scene at the end
where she's walking barefoot

with the sheet on,
right before she's banished.

Right?
Yeah, yeah.

It's a very,
very powerful scene.

I also had a small part in that
Beckett play at The Public,

and I did summer stock
last year.

You taking classes
with anyone?

Yeah, Mark McQueen.

He's supposed to be
really good, right?

Yeah, and expensive.

Maybe someday we'll do
a workshop together.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Sir, I'm about to serve
your main course.

Oh, yeah,
I'll be right there.

I think I have to go.

What are you doing
later tonight?

Oh, um...

(Spencer)
I think that I have plans.

Maybe another time.

Yeah, that'd be sweet.

Sweet.

All right.

Who's the lead
in Harris' play?

Can't say.

Oh, come on.

Help a girl out.

We're both
in the same business.

What am I going to do.

Mr. Chappell,
Peter suggests this--

Yes, that's fine,
thank you.

I don't know what
he wants from you.

No, no, no, let's--
let's go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's good, Nicholas.

What an asshole.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's a nice wine.

Are you a wine fan?

I am now.

Cheers.
Salute, everybody.

Cheers.

Cheers.
Thank you.

Oh, hey.

Sorry I'm a little late.

You're not late,
is he, Harris?

No, no, we haven't even
ordered dessert yet.

I'm Emerson Todd.

I'm Harris Chappell.

It's really wonderful
to meet you finally.

She talks about you
day and night.

It is an honor
to meet someone

of your stature
in the theater.

You're very,
very kind.

Would you mind
checking his coat?

Emerson Todd.
Spencer West.

It's nice to meet you,
Spencer.

Have a seat here.

I am so curious
as to your success

at such a young age,
if you don't mind telling me.

Not at all.

Well, I had a germ
of an idea

I thought might work
on the internet,

after seeing Match.com
and eHarmony

grow into
billion-dollar companies.

So I did some research.

Came up with a way to take
the best elements of those sites

and utilize them in a site
with a unique niche.

Unique is very good.

I told you, he's
brilliant, Harris.

All right, well,
dazzle me.

Short people.

What?

Short people.

You need to tell him
the name of your site.

It's called Short.com.

Oh, that's interesting,
isn't it?

I've already licensed Randy
Newman's song "Short People."

Whose?
Randy Newman.

I like him.
Randy Newman is good.

Just imagine this,
Harris,

because there are so many short
people in the world, you know.

See, internet dating is huge.

The way I see it,

short people deserve
companionship

as much as
anyone else.

Companionship is
very important.

Everyone wants to find
that special someone.

Everyone does.

There is no one who would
disagree with you,

tall or short.

I knew you'd get it.

Now, wait, Emerson's
not talking midgets.

No, no, no!
Not talking midgets.

No midgets.

Personally, I think midget
dating would be tasteless.

Could be considered
insensitive, even.

(Didi)
But you know, maybe
just down the road.

You know, something--

Well, how short
do you have to be?

Uh, well...

That's a good question.

I'm still refining
the height...

Oh, sure.

...restrictions.

But I'm thinking under
five feet for females...

Petite.
5'2" for guys.

(Harris)
So if I were to be
on the internet, let's say,

and I'm typing along,
and I just go--

Because I have a computer.

If I were just to go
to Short.com, I would just...

You'd find nothing
at the moment.

What do you mean
I would find nothing?

Tell him more,
sweetheart.

Well, I was purchased by
a pretty big company.

Pretty big.

So my new partners have
closed the site temporarily

so we could do
some work on it.

I see.

But they've already
committed over $3 million

just for upgrades alone.

So, if I-- And I
don't mean to be rude

in any way when
I ask you this--

I'd just assume
that you probably

don't have any
money yet.

Well...
No, see...

(laughter)

It's fine.
Uh-uh, no.

The investors...
I, uh...

His investors...

They gave me a down payment.

Yeah, an advance.

20%.

Which is...

$15 million.

But anyway--

What?
$15 million cash.

(Harris)
Champagne!

Something has happen?
That's for sure.

Oh, Jesus,
what now?

Champagne!
Champagne over here!

Champagne.

Atta boy.

Atta boy.
Exciting, right?

Are you hungry at all?
No.

(Didi)
What would you do
if you just opened a letter

and it said $15 million?

I would produce "The Life and
Times of Jackson Sweetwater."

(laughter, applause)

So explain to me
with the midgets...

No, no, no, it's not--

It's nothing to do
with midgets.

You came in a little late
in the conversation.

And that's not really
the correct term.

No, it's little people.

Sorry for the interruption,

but it looks like you guys
are celebrating something.

We are celebrating.

We're celebrating because Harris
is going to win the Tony

with this new production, then
he's going to come to L.A.,

and he is going to
kick everybody's ass

right out of town.

Really?
We'll see about that.

But I hope you're having
a good time, Candy.

Yeah, well,
thank you, Harris.

Call me.

I might be able to cast
you in my new film.

It's the second
lead, actually.

I think you'd be
perfect for the part.

Come on, Bart.

Hey, Harris, let's not
go there, huh?

I mean, whatever
our differences,

it's mostly
a good thing.

You are a casting genius.
Oh, yes.

Finding big names before

anybody's even heard
of them before.

Brad Pitt.
Tom Cruise.

Ok, well, that's very
generous of you to say.

He's right,
and you know what?

Emerson, I think he could
maybe hook you up.

Oh, are you in
the entertainment business?

I am.
Well, the internet.

and he's got the most
unique site.

And I just think you're
going to find it fascinating.

Call me.

Okay.
Thank you.

Arrivederci.

Arrivederci, Candy.

Ciao.

Well, you're bad.
I know.

(Harris)
You are wonderfully bad.

I'm just as bad as they come.

All right.

To "The Life and Times
of Jackson Sweetwater"

for bailing us out.

Congratulations.

So, Emerson, have you always
been involved with the internet?

No.
As a matter of fact,

I used to be
an unemployed actor.

Oh.
Yeah, used to be.

(Emerson)
Harris tells me
you're an actor.

He's a very good actor.

Oh, I get it.

You are good.
Very, very good.

Didi told me you were
planning on keeping

the identity of
your lead a secret.

Very clever.

Well, I'm nothing
if not clever.

So Spencer's your
leading man.

That's great.
Congratulations.

This is awesome.
I heard Bart Liebowitz.

He said you're
a casting genius.

Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise,
Spencer West.

I know "The Moon's a Balloon"
is one of biggest hits

to hit Broadway in years.

Spencer looks like he just
walked off that stage.

Well, he did.

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

Sure.
Yeah.

So I assume you're going
to take advantage

of that young,
hip, sexy walk-in.

Walk-in?

Yeah, Harris, he's always
a couple of steps ahead

of everyone in town.

Excuse me, this a play written
by Malcolm Andrews,

and the lead is
77 years old.

Pure genius--
casting against type.

I love it.

That's great.

I-- I--

I don't know what to say.

Except...

Didi tells me that
you studied acting,

So I would be ver--
I would like you very much

to read for an interesting
role in my play.

Would you like to do that?

I would be honored.

Give me the script.
Call me up.

Well, to us, to us.
Right on, absolutely.

Harris, that's a wonderful
thing to do--what a great idea.

You know anything
about coal mining?

I do, as a matter of fact.

My grandfather was a coal miner
in Pennsylvania.

What was his name?
Cecil.

Wow. Hey.

What do you know?

(door opens)

Oh, it's you again.

You really seem to like
meeting me in here.

I like you, Spencer.

Now, will you please
tell me what's going on?

Well, what do you mean?

Everyone at your table just
seemed so, "Aah," excited.

(door opens)

Uh, Spencer,
are you okay?

He's fine.

You know this is
the men's room?

So then, what brings you
in here, honey?

Spencer, you're needed
at your table.

Oh.
Yeah.

Spencer, the whole world
just wants you.

That's exciting.

Yeah.

Is it out...?

Yeah.

Do you know why I find this
project so exciting?

No, no, tell me.
It's so different.

It's like the way Didi has
explained it to me,

I'm confident that your
interpretation of, uh...

"The Life and Times
of Jackson Sweetwater."

Yes.

I'm sure
your interpretation

of "The Life and Times
of Jackson Sweetwater"

is going to set a new
standard for Broadway.

It is.

Kind of like your website for
short people is going to...

(Emerson)
Great.

Now, tell me about the music.

The music?

(tray of dishes crashes
to floor)

Yeah, Harris, tell him
about the music.

Music is, uh...

Didi knows how much
I love musicals.

Come on.

Uh, music is--
Music is...

Music is, uh...

Would you like me to...
Oh, please.

He's so modest.

Harris is going
to put in

a gospel choir
from Mississippi.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm just checking if we
need another bottle.

Yep!
A gospel choir?

Yeah, I just want to provide
a context for the entire plot,

and just, well--

I want to make the main
character more compelling.

What a brilliant idea.

Oh, thank you.
What's it called again?

"The Life and Times
of Jackson Sweetwater."

Okay, Harris, don't take this
the wrong way,

but I don't think that
title fits a guy like Spencer.

No?
No.

Well, we could
change that.

We could?
Yeah.

We could?

How about "The Adventures
of Jackson Sweetwater"?

To be honest...

I like it.
Wait--

(Harris)
Excuse me...

"The Adventures of Jack Sweet."

Here's what I have--
Excuse me.

Have you considered
just "Jack Sweet?"

Ah, sweet.

Sweet. Sweet.

That's it!
That's your new title!

Sweet!

Short and sweet.

The musical,
awesome.

(Didi)
I love it.

(Lind)
Chappell!

Stand aside!

Thank you.

Harris,
Wolfie informs me...

Let's go outside.

Oh?
Listen to me, please.

You have to listen.
Where are we going?

Hello, William.

Harris--
Harris, I need--

What am I doing out here?

I just want to talk
to you for one second.

Now, listen.

My friend,
you have to listen to--

I just got off the phone
with Matthew Wolfe.

Didn't what I say to you earlier
bloody well register?

Larry.

Yes?

Have I ever told you
what an ass you are?

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, coming from you,
the Failure of Broadway.

What the hell happened
to you in Hollywood?

Why can't you direct?

Why can't you just get
something together for once?

Why, we've been fed up
waiting for you!

That's all we're doing is
waiting, waiting, waiting!

May I say one thing?
Yes.

Hack!

(Harris, loudly)
You're a hack!

Get to an old-age home,

find a chair,
and sit the fuck down!

(Lind)
You son of a bitch!

I've had you up to here!

Damned amateurs.

Wankers!
Bunch of wankers.

All of them,
bloody wankers!

(door slams shut)

(music playing)

Was Lawrence Lind that just
rushed out of here in a huff?

Men's room.

Spencer!

Spencer.
Harris?

Oh, I'm glad you're in here.

Well, I'm constantly being
asked to leave the table.

What's the matter?

Spencer, we have
a little predicament.

Oh.

Lawrence Lind?
Are you delusional?

What a minute.

Huh, I really, uh...

Why don't you just tell
Emerson that there's been

a huge misunderstanding.

I'm not going
to be the lead...

Spencer.

This is insane.

(knocking on door)

What?

Nikki, why--

Hey, Nick.

Glad to see you doing your
business standing up these days.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What was that
supposed to mean.

I thought they knew.

You mean that Nikki's
really a Nick?

What the hell does that matter?

What matters is Emerson thinks
that you are playing the lead.

But Lawrence Lind is
playing the lead.

Lawrence Lind is a genius.

Lawrence Lind has quit.
Quit?

Lawrence Lind has quit.

Come here.

Spencer, I want you
to play the lead.

I told you it was crazy.

No, you've never seen me act.

I have seen you act.

I saw you in that
shaving cream commercial.

You were wonderful.

Thank you, but...

We'll just keep you
lathered up.

Girls like me
in lather, but...

Guys.
There are guys, now.

Kind of like Nikki,
only in reverse.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Guys?
Yes, and they're gay, too.

Gay guys?
Yes.

And they better like you
lathered, too.

(mutters)
Come on!

Didn't you say you had
an audition

for that "Moon's a Balloon"
the other day?

Yeah, but...
Audition for me.

Can you sell a song?

Are you nuts?
You told him what?

I thought you would be tickled
pink to invest in his play.

With money?

**

How did you get your job?

Is there anything that I can do
to get the truth out of you?

Anything?
You got a brother?

Honey, trust me.

I have everything that my
brother has, only bigger.

Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry for the interruption.

My name is Harris Chappell.

(applause)

And-- Oh, wonderful.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I would like to introduce
this evening

a marvelous young talent.

His name is Spencer West.

That's the gentlemen
sitting right there

at the piano,

and he has a little gift
for you this evening.

A little gift?

Perhaps it's a lot more.

You be the judge.

Spencer, take it away.

(microphone feedback)

Sorry.

(clears throat)

(music playing)

(stops playing)

(music begins again)

* Well I ain't got nothing
to sell *

* I ain't got
much that I can tell *

* I just got myself

* And, baby, I hope I got you

**

* And I don't know
if there's a God above *

* But I believe in Heaven

* And I believe in love

* Oh, believe in me, baby

* And I can believe in you

**

* Out in the city
and into night *

* I'll be your shadow

* If you'll be my light

* Oh, turn it on, baby

* You know I can shine
with you *

**

He's great, right?

Really good.

**

* I'll save up my money
and I'll buy us a home *

* I'll build us a life
with every dollar I own *

* Depend on it, honey

* I'm spending it all on you

**

* 'Cause I ain't got a clue
what the future holds *

* And I don't even know
if we'll get old *

* But I'll love it all

* If, baby, I just got you

**

* Yes I'll have it all

* If, baby, I just got you

**

(song ends, applause)

Can I sell a song?

That's wonderful.
They love you.

Spencer West!
Thank you.

Spencer?

That was phenomenal.

Thanks.

This has been
a very weird night.

Hey, I wanted
to ask you something.

Why are you having dinner
with Todd Emerson?

You mean Emerson Todd?

No, Todd Emerson.

He's in my acting class.

(Spencer)
Your acting class?
He's an actor?

(Sophia)
Not a very good one.

But he's claiming to be
an internet millionaire.

Short.com.

An internet millionaire?

His parents had to send him
rent money last month.

Are you kidding me?

What the--

Okay, um, listen, I need to
get Didi away from the table

so I can talk to her alone.

You know what, I think
you are going to have

a wonderful working relationship
with Harris as well.

Can you sing?

As a matter of fact...

Oh, my goodness!

Spencer, you were fantastic!

Oh, thank you.

I mean, talk about hiding your
light under a bushel!

Thank you, Didi.
Excuse me.

Didi, the girl
in the coat room,

she needs to ask you something,
if you don't mind.

Oh, right now?

Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

I'll be right back, honey.
Okay.

That was really amazing.

I mean, you've got talent.

So, why are you really here?

What do you mean?

Look over at the girl
in the coat check.

Right over there.

She look familiar?

There's no Short.com, is there?

I didn't know Sophia
worked here.

There's no money.

There's not even
an Emerson Todd.

Spencer, look, really, this has
nothing to do with you, okay?

You have ruined my life.

Look, this all
just happened!

How did this happen?

Look, I'm in an acting class
with Sophia, okay?

Now, Mark McQueen,
our teacher,

he gave us this assignment
to go out into the world

and create the role you've
always wanted to play

and, well,
become that person.

So you became Emerson Todd,
an internet mogul?

I always wanted to be
an internet mogul.

Wow.

But I had no idea
it would go this far.

You know, I was just
doing my homework.

Seriously, your homework?

See, I was role-playing
when I met Didi in that--

You know, that fancy bar
at the Gramercy Park Hotel.

Before you know it,
we were in bed together,

which is something
I'm actually pretty good at.

Okay, get to the part about
how you ended up here tonight.

We'd been dating, Didi and I,
and then she tells me

her best friend is the famous
director Harris Chappell.

So she's like,
"Come on down.

I'll get you a part
in the new play."

But when I get here,
she tells me

she wants me to back the play
with my internet millions.

Oh, fuck.

One thing led
to another and...

Well, you got to tell Didi.

Are out of your mind?

Nope, not up for debate.
Didi!

That was weird.

Emerson, he's actually--

He's got something that he
wants to tell you.

Right?
You okay?

Are you okay?

You tell her, please?
Nope. Nuh-uh.

It's okay.
Well?

One of you tell me something.

Can't be that
bad... right?

(laughs)
Um...

You two seem to
be having fun tonight.

What do you mean?

I've been watching whatever
it is that's going on.

It's been interesting.

You two get, like, a two-act
comedy out of this.

(Harris chuckles)

Do you hear what he said?

We're in real trouble,
Chappell!

Don't worry about it.

I can make this all work.

Chappell...
Look, Wolfie is coming over

with some paperwork
that's going to allow me

to make changes
in the script.

I'll just age
this production down,

and I'll just give it
a "Moon's a Balloon" feel.

What about Larry?

Larry hasn't signed
his contract yet,

so there's no problem.

Well, I hate to sound
selfish, but what about me?

Well, now, it's obvious that
your part, the autobiographer,

that doesn't work with
a 21-year-old lead.

The character hasn't had time
to lead his life.

So, that's it?
I'm out?

You're going to throw away
a 20-year friendship

for some kid you met
an hour ago?

I hadn't thought of it
that way.

Well, you should.
Harris...

let's just take a deep breath
and figure this all out.

Yes, but I have
figured it out.

You see, I'm going to take
Emerson's money,

and I'm going to
rewrite the script.

I'm going to add
some gospel music,

and I'm going to return
triumphantly to Broadway

with "Sweet,"
starring Spencer West.

I give up.

Wait, wait, wait.

David, I do have a
part for you.

You do?

Yes, I do.

Now, honestly, do you think
you could play the part

of the director of
a Mississippi gospel choir?

I'm David Thiel...

two-time Tony winner from...

(southern drawl)
Savannah.

And I believe
I could, y'all.

(claps)
It's perfect.

Have you figured out how you're
going to stage musical numbers

in a mine shaft
200 feet under Pittsburg?

Didi...

You have a much better chance
of living if you don't speak.

Ah, Chappell!
Wolfie.

I got it.
Oh, great.

That Monte character come up
with the money yet?

Not exactly.

Whoa, whoa, what do you mean
"not exactly"?

That doesn't even sound
like the word "yes."

Things got complicated.

Complicate--
Look, Harris,

Let me tell you what
is not complicated.

You took a million bucks
on the option

for the film rights for
the "Jackson Sweetwater" play

with the understanding that
it was fully financed.

A million isn't so much.

Well, it sure is
if you spent it already,

and the financing isn't
in place.

It's called fraud.

Harris, you'll go to jail.

All right, I got
someone else in place.

Now, David's at the bar.

Go have a drink with him.
Okay.

Oh, does he know
what's going on?

You don't even know
what's going on-- Go.

I don't even know
what's going on, go.

I hate you.

No, no, no, no.

Emerson, I was going to bring
the distinguished

British acting legend,
Lawrence Lind, to Broadway.

But after listening
to you tonight,

and seeing the crowd's reaction
to Spencer's performance,

I've decided to give Spencer
the leading role

in the slightly revised
Malcolm Andrews musical "Sweet."

Congratulations, Spencer.

Your Broadway star is
about to shine.

No, no, no.
Please, don't say anything.

Would you please come here
for a second?

It just keeps getting worse.

Harris, I really don't want
to sound ungrateful...

Then don't.

...but I haven't even
read the play.

You will,
when I rewrite it.

Yeah, but this is crazy.

No, it's show business!

I'm not sure I'm
a good enough actor.

Shh, shh.

I am a great director.

Chappell, can you come here
for a minute?

Harris, here is my ticket.

I'm going home.

It's been a very
long evening.

(quietly)
Harris...

I want you to meet someone.

Yes, we already met
in the men's room.

The men's room?

There's a lot going on
in that men's room.

You have no idea.

Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening.

Oh.

Spencer.

Mr. Thiel.

You're gonna
knock 'em dead.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're Emerson?

Yes.

Harris Chappell is going
to deliver

the biggest hit
on Broadway.

I'm sure.

Sweetheart.

Bye.

Have a lovely evening.

Thank you, my dear,

and the same to y'all.

Y'all.

(door opens, shuts)

Y'all.

Didi, what are we
going to do?

Nothing.

We're going
do nothing tonight.

We're going to pretend that
everything is the same,

and then tomorrow,
I'm going to tell Harris

that life as he knows it
is over.

Didi...
Don't touch me.

(chuckles)
Don't touch me.

When you're ready, sir.

Why can't he just find
another investor?

I'm going to be needing this

for the souvenirs
I'll be taking later.

Spencer, help me.

Help you?
I don't even like you.

Oh, what a great evening
so far,

and it's only 7:30.

By the way,
David's gone home

to work on his
southern accent,

so you're coming
with us tonight.

Dinner's on me.

What?
Wow, Peter...

Yes, yes.

That's magnificent.

My friend, thank you
so very much.

I want to welcome you back
to New York.

Thank you, it's great
to be home.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your
great service.

Your welcome.
Good night.

Harris, I really hope
you won't be too upset,

but I've just received
a text message,

and I've got to run
to an urgent meeting.

I hope it's a short meeting.

Real short.
Yes, yes.

Real short.
(chuckles)

I'll call you on Monday

to arrange to read
for the part.

I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you very much.

Spencer, it was nice
meeting you.

And congratulations.

Thank you...
Mm-hmm.
Really...

Didi, uh...

(Emerson)
I'll call you later.

Okay, I want to know
what's going on.

Oh, Nikki.

Oh, come on!
Something is up.

Harris, give a girl a break.

You owe me.

Okay, but you can't release it
until next week.

Harris!

But my column comes
out on Monday.

Harris.
Okay, here it is.

Wait, Harris,
what are you--

Spencer West is the playing
the lead in my play.

I knew it, I knew it,
I knew it!

Of course you knew it, because
you are an instinctive,

investigative,
scotch-drinking reporter.

And my editor thinks
I didn't have what it takes.

Oh, but, honey, we all know you
have more than what it takes.

Oh!
Can I get a picture?

Absolutely.
Let's do it.

No.
No pictures.

I don't think a picture
is a good idea.

I think you should ask Sophia
to come with us tonight.

She's working.
All right.

Just ask her, or maybe
I'll talk to Peter.

Good night.
Thank you.

Do you want to go to
the theater with me tonight?

I don't know,
I have ask.

How did it go with Todd?

Yeah, I'll tell you later.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Is everything all right?

Yes!

It's just all the excitement
kind of made me dizzy.

What a great, great,
great night.

Hey, darling, will you meet
me for brunch tomorrow?

There's something I
want to talk to you about.

Tell me now.

No, no,
I want to save it.

(door opens)

(chuckles)

You don't look so good.

Something wrong?

This should be the best
night of my life.

I was just offered the lead
in Harris Chappell's new play.

I know.

You know?

How do you know?

(chuckles)

What's funny?

Oh, it's nothing.

You've heard the phrase,
"When it rains, it pours"?

Of course.
Hmm.

Well, earlier this evening,

I was with Wolfie
in the bar,

there was this man who'd been
sitting there all evening.

It turns out he runs
a theater investment fund.

You're kidding?
Mm.

I suggested that my partner
and I might be interested

in putting up the money
to produce it.

I saw you perform.

You were fantastic.

He all but wanted to write
a check to produce the play.

Harris, that's fabulous!

But Harris turned me down.

I told him,
"Thank you,

but we already have
an investor."

Some internet mogul.

(chuckles)

Well.

Wait, do you have
a second?

Odd though, isn't it?

Mommy.

Harris said
you had talent.

Didi, can I talk to you
for just a second?

This is really important.

Hi.

Well, hi, Ms. Martinelli.

How are you doing?

Um, fine.
How are you doing?

Oh, it's been
a great night.

Oh.

Oh, mother!

What?

All right, I met this guy
in the men's room.

What? What is with
the men's room in this place?

Do they all have L.B.L?

What do you mean?
Light bladder leakage!

Peter said I can go
with you guys.

Oh, good, Spencer's going
to be very happy.

Why are they outside?

I have no idea.

So he's going to come
see the premiere tonight?

Yeah.

Spencer, this is great.

I want to meet him.

Oh, they're coming in.

I can go.

Sweet.

Daddy, Spencer and I,
we're just going to be

in the bar for a moment--
we'll be right back.

(Harris)
Okay.

I'll get our coats.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me...um--

I'm Didi Ravenal.

I know who you are.

I'm close friends
with Harris Chappell,

and I wanted
to say thank you.

Rib eye, medium-rare?

Table ten.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Harris.

I've really outdone
myself this time.

What have you done?

Well, I just got
off the phone

with my people
on the coast,

and if you win the Tony,

there is a three-picture deal
waiting for you in Los Angeles.

Okay, like I told Spencer,
it's not a done deal

until I get my partner
on board,

but I think Monte is going
to love it.

He is...

Monte!
Darling!

Oh, my God,
it's Monte Sobel!

I'm glad you finally
got here.

Monte Sobel?

(Monte)
Traffic was atrocious.

You missed
quite an evening.

I'm so sorry.

You know, it's getting late,
so we probably should--

Oh, no, no.
You all right?

I'll know in a minute.

Monte Sobel,
this is Didi Ravenal.

Monte, such a pleasure
to meet you.

And I'd like to
introduce Spencer West.

He's the young man starring
in Chappell's new play.

Spencer, this is my partner
Monte Sobel.

Nice to meet you.
Aha.

So, you're Harris Chappell's
big secret.

I-- Yeah.

You have a very,
very good look, young man.

Thank you.

So, Monte, I think
we should produce

Harris Chappell's
new play.

And, you know, I would do
just about anything

to get you boys
involved.

Well, then I can't imagine
not producing it

with Chappell directing

and a fine young man like
Spencer starring in it.

I haven't told you anything
about it yet.

Well, it is
Harris Chappell.

Darling,
don't look now,

but that is Monte Sobel
in the bar.

Not so bad, right?

I told you he'd love it.

(Nikki)
Monte!

Nick!

I mean Nikki!

My God, what a lovely young
woman you've become.

You know her?

Sweetie, you've been spending
too much time in Chicago.

That's the guy?
Yes.

And they love Spencer
so much,

they are going to give you
all the money that you need.

Now, wait a minute.

So we have two
full investors?

Can we do that?

Darling, this a night
for celebrating,

not for comprehending.

So we're fine?

As sure as my name is
Didi Ravenal, baby.

It isn't, really.
Shh!

I cannot thank you guys
enough.

This is--

Harris, this is
unbelievable.

I would like for you
to meet Monte Sobel.

Nice to finally
meet you, Monte.

Oh, the pleasure is mine.

We'd better
all get started.

I don't want to miss
the curtain.

You know how
I love musicals.

As do I.
Go.

**

Ahh.

The lullaby of Broadway.

(Harris)
All right, here we go.

Here we go.

Time to see some plastic
sing-and-dance.

(Sophia)
This is so exciting.

Mm-hmm..

All right, come on.

Spencer, Bart told me he
has a role for you

in his new movie,
"Elevator to Hell."

You'll need an agent
when his people call.

Sweet.

Thank you.

Roman, put that away.

Nancy, so great
to see you.

Like you.
Mwah.

I've so missed you.

Enjoy that show.

Peter, thank you!

Thank you!

Okay.
Good night.

I've got to call my dad.

Not a bad evening
for you.

The lead
in a Broadway musical,

Bart Liebowitz' new film,

and Nancy Diamond is
going to sign you.

Don't forget about
my date with Sophia.

And your date with Sophia.

Hey, Dad.

Dad, yeah, we're just heading
to the theater right now,

but I've got something I really
need to tell you and mom.

Hey, Jim.
Chappell.

We're even.

* Plastic please

**

* Plastic please

* Paper or plastic?

**

We're still good
with Monte, right?

Harris, would I
leave you hanging?

* Plastic please

(Spencer)
Wait, Emerson?

* Plastic please

Hey, Chappell!

**

* Plastic please

* Paper or plastic?

* Latex, nylon, Styrofoam,
bubblegum *

* Disposed as we leave

* Plastic please

* Cellular, cellulite,
Gore-Tex, Paperwhite *

* I'm in a color dream

* Plastic please

* Please, please, please
please, please *

(flatulence)

**

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, when He washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* He washed my sins away

* Oh, happy day

* What a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, when He washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* He washed my sins away

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, what a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* He taught me how

* Taught me how

* To watch

* How to watch, fight
and pray *

Good God!
Oh, Lord!

* Fight and pray

* Oh ho

* And we're rejoicing

* And we're rejoicing

* Each and every day

Good God!
Oh, Lord!

* Every day

* Every day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, it was a happy day

* It was a happy day, yeah

* I want to jump and shout

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed
your sins away *

* Oh, happy day

* When I get to Heaven

* Oh, happy day

* Ain't gonna put me out, no

* Hold on
don't forget that day *

* Gonna be a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Gonna see my mother there

* Oh, happy day

* Gonna see my father there

* Jesus came and washed
my sins away *

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, when He washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* He washed my sins away

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, it was a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* It was a happy day

* Oh, happy day

Good Lord!
My God!

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day *