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1
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,044
Kelly, honey, hurry up!
2
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:20,614
Daddy will be home any minute
with our presents.
3
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:24,485
Did you dress for the annual
Bundy Christmas feast at Denny's?
4
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,526
Is this okay, Mom?
5
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,296
I haven't worn it since Grandma's funeral.
6
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:40,301
Well, it did knock 20 percent
off the embalming.
7
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:45,206
Hey, maybe they'll give us a deal
on the Christmas platter.
8
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,142
Okay, come help me
make snow cones for Daddy.
9
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:49,743
Bud, hurry up!
10
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,880
We can't make them without you.
11
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,783
Here's the snow.
12
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,553
- Okay, who wants lime?
- I do.
13
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,222
Hand me the mouthwash.
14
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,231
- I want cherry.
- Okay, give me the cough syrup.
15
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:18,272
Oh, it's really beginning to feel
like Christmas, isn't it, kids?
16
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:21,342
Do you remember
when we couldn't afford snow cones?
17
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,346
Yep. Life is good.
18
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,551
Daddy!
19
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,052
Daddy!
20
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:35,089
- Give me! Give me!
- Give me! Give me!
21
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:38,692
Now, kids, give your father
a chance to relax.
22
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,594
Make room.
23
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,063
Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
24
00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:44,565
Give us our presents!
25
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,400
- I love you!
- Give us our presents!
26
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,469
Family!
27
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:53,107
I think we've fallen a tad short
of the true meaning of Christmas.
28
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,843
It's about love, about family.
29
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:59,580
I think something's rotten
in the state of Denver, Mom.
30
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:04,919
Don't worry. Even a dullard
like your father isn't stupid enough...
31
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,187
...To come home without presents.
32
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:15,462
I don't like the looks of this, Mom.
33
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:20,167
Yeah, he does have that
just-plugged-the-toilet grin on his face.
34
00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:26,807
I think he's empty.
35
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,442
Let's check it out.
36
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:37,184
So, Al, I noticed
you're not burdened down...
37
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,720
...With presents for your loving family.
38
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,023
Are they in the car?
39
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,293
Well, no.
40
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,697
Are they being delivered?
41
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,365
No.
42
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:56,003
Are they invisible?
43
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,644
Well, you guys get
to ask the good questions.
44
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:08,048
If you let me go first, I would have
asked if they were being delivered.
45
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,550
Honey.
46
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:13,520
Okay, Al, enough
of this loving-family crap.
47
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:17,591
What did you do?
48
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,763
Well, I'm going
to be honest with you, Peg.
49
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:27,134
I was coming home with great presents,
when I was surrounded by a band of...
50
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,636
...Bears and Indians.
51
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,941
Normally you wouldn't think the two
would get along, but there they were.
52
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,845
I fought them with everything I had,
but they--
53
00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:40,347
They took all my presents, then they--
54
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:41,915
They flew away.
55
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,586
Daddy, are you okay?
56
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,390
Rest, Kelly.
57
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,825
Snookums...
58
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:55,896
...You know, if you really did
come home with no presents...
59
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,999
...We wouldn't mind, would we, kids?
60
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,701
No, Mom.
61
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,536
I would.
62
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,204
I mean, no, I wouldn't, Mom.
63
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:08,242
We love our Daddy, right, kids?
64
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,913
- Right, Mom.
- Right, Mom.
65
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,483
There. You feel better now, Al?
66
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,019
Yes, I do, Peg.
67
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,256
Then give us our presents.
68
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,658
You do have presents, don't you, Al?
69
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:30,764
And we kissed your hand
and called you Daddy.
70
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,168
The bank closed.
71
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:38,038
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.
72
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,508
It wasn't my fault.
I did everything that I could.
73
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,144
A real Daddy would have
held up a liquor store.
74
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:47,981
They're open till 6, you know.
75
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,818
Now, kids, I'm sure
your father has a good reason...
76
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,020
...For not taking that money out yesterday.
77
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:56,390
Tell us the reason, witless.
78
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,559
I wanted to get that
extra day of interest.
79
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,328
Oh, that would have been, what,
about three cents, Al?
80
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,865
Hey, that would have been
our waitress's tip at Denny's.
81
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:09,036
Thank your father for flushing
another Christmas, kids.
82
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,205
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.
83
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,007
We can still have Christmas
without presents.
84
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:18,178
Daddy, Christmas without presents
is like Thanksgiving without pizza.
85
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,016
Oh, well, I suppose there are
a lot of families much worse off...
86
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,585
...Than us at Christmas.
87
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:28,722
Of course, they're all living
in trees and worshipping sticks.
88
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,891
But let's make the best of it.
89
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,093
Let's go to Denny's. I have eight bucks.
90
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,062
That's enough for three of us to eat.
91
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:37,397
I guess we'll all have to draw straws.
92
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:41,568
I don't mind that. I don't think I should
have to do it, since I work all year--
93
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,239
I am gonna buy presents on the 26th.
--But I think to be fair...
94
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,907
...I'll have to...
95
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,244
Bring me back some pie crust.
96
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:58,152
Well, Buck, old friend.
I guess it's just you and me, huh, boy?
97
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:04,892
Fine.
98
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:06,560
Fine.
99
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:09,997
I don't care.
100
00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:11,899
I'm enjoying my holiday.
101
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,276
Just they dogs.
102
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,381
Just the man who's losing his mind.
103
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,853
Oh, please, somebody shoot me.
104
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,624
Hey, Bundy!
105
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:41,161
My family got me a new TV set
for Christmas.
106
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,863
What are you getting?
107
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:46,133
If I was one of the guys
at the post office...
108
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,368
...I'd be unwrapping your wife.
109
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,543
Excuse me, Marcy.
110
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,911
I'm Al.
111
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,848
Do you know where I live?
112
00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:03,584
Why didn't you let me in the bank, Marcy?
113
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:06,620
I was going to.
114
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,756
But I got so sleepy.
115
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,326
I guess I fell asleep.
116
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,328
But you gotta see this.
117
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:18,298
Some bimbo got so smashed
she Xeroxed her behind.
118
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,469
Everybody got one.
119
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:26,840
Imagine the humiliation when she
shows up for work Monday morning.
120
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:30,644
Yeah, it's a Christmas to remember,
all right.
121
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,412
Well, let's get you home.
122
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:36,116
Now, we'll hail a cab.
Tell him to take you to dock 43.
123
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:40,687
Walk up to the first toothless man,
show him this picture, you're home.
124
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:44,391
Thank you, Al.
125
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,593
Don't tell anybody...
126
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,597
...But I'm gonna go throw up
in your next door neighbor's mailbox.
127
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,768
Look at this scrawny little thing.
128
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,875
Let's see how the lights work.
129
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,255
That's just great.
They hang there all year long.
130
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,724
The one lousy time you want them to work...
131
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,761
Well, it's a wonderful life.
132
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,031
I don't know.
133
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:28,435
Sometimes, I think it might have
been better if I was never born.
134
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,210
Hey, buddy. You all right?
135
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:42,749
There you are. Yeah.
136
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,286
You're okay.
137
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,122
You're gonna be fine.
138
00:09:52,326 --> 00:09:55,829
Well, thanks, buddy. Who are you?
139
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,065
I'm a guardian angel.
140
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,668
Matter of fact, I'm looking
for an Al Bundy.
141
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:04,771
- Do you know an Al Bundy?
- I'm Al Bundy.
142
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,175
No!
143
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:12,713
Could you stop playing Nintendo
up there for a minute?!
144
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:16,383
What kind of a mess have you gotten
me into?! What have you done to me?!
145
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,329
There, there, buddy.
How about I go get my gun...
146
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:32,566
...And shoot you with a nice silver bullet?
147
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,167
Would you like that, buddy?
148
00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:38,138
You'll just have to give me
a minute with this, Bundy.
149
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,674
I thought I was here to save a human soul.
150
00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:44,945
That's all right. Never mind.
Hold on a minute.
151
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,851
Oh, thanks a lot!
152
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:54,488
You can turn water into wine, but you
can't send me with any booze, huh?
153
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,024
Love you!
154
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,895
Oh, I get it.
You're one of my wife's relatives.
155
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,400
I've never seen one upright before.
156
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,940
No, much like a neutered dog,
you don't get it, Bundy.
157
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:18,879
Read my lips.
I'm your guardian angel.
158
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:22,049
Oh, I see. Hell, I gotta apologize.
159
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,584
I just thought you were a nut.
160
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,487
Well, I'll get my guitar and call Elvis.
161
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,656
The three of us will rock in the New Year.
162
00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:35,429
Hey, it's no sleigh ride
for me either, Bundy.
163
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,799
Usually, on Christmas,
I'd be over at Moses' house.
164
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:42,002
I'd be out by the pool,
waiting for the new guy...
165
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:46,306
...To jump off the board.
And then Mo parts the water.
166
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,342
Now, that's Christmas!
167
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,478
That's Christmas, man.
168
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:54,014
Yeah, but I sort of fell from grace.
169
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:57,651
They-- They caught me scalping tickets
to a Jimi Hendrix concert.
170
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,255
And here I am.
But enough about me.
171
00:12:02,456 --> 00:12:05,659
What's it gonna take to convince you
that I'm your guardian angel?
172
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,761
Fly around and play a harp.
173
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,565
Hey, I'm an angel, not Tommy Tune.
174
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,036
I see it's the old standby, huh?
175
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:20,207
Tell you what, make a wish.
Anything, off the top of your head.
176
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,275
Make my Christmas lights work.
177
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,323
That's amazing.
178
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,893
You are an angel. I want another wish.
Aren't you supposed to get three?
179
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,729
Hey, don't be a wish pig,
Bundy, all right?
180
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:44,998
You want three wishes? Get a genie.
181
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:50,570
Besides, anything I can't get a receipt
for comes out of my own pocket.
182
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,573
Come on.
Just give me one more.
183
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,776
Turn the lights back off,
and give me the Hee Haw girls.
184
00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:03,617
I've been sitting around
waiting for them to die myself.
185
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,355
I know you think you got it tough.
186
00:13:08,522 --> 00:13:11,958
Your wife doesn't respect you.
Your kids think you're a failure.
187
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,195
A good day for you is when you don't
come across any new foot diseases.
188
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:18,265
Believe me, I sympathize.
189
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,568
But you think your life reeks?
Take a whiff of mine, pal.
190
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:25,705
My wife gained 100 pounds
for every year we were married.
191
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:28,875
We had two kids. I think
she ate them. I don't know.
192
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,746
I hated driving home so much...
193
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:35,782
...I had vanity plates written up
that said, "Hit me."
194
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:40,387
But despite it all, she loved me.
195
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,389
You know how I know?
196
00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:45,392
Because she told me!
197
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,427
Oh, yeah, when I was at work...
198
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:50,997
...She loved my father,
my brother, my bookie.
199
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,700
But when I found my
grandfather's teeth in my bed...
200
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:57,671
...Under the pillow, then I knew
there was trouble in paradise.
201
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,841
That's when I did what any
other man would do, Bundy.
202
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,177
I canceled my insurance,
and I hung myself.
203
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,146
Showed her, huh?
204
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,987
And you're here to help me, huh?
205
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:18,024
That I am, my man.
206
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,061
See, if I help you, I get my wings.
207
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:24,664
And that means a lot up there,
especially with the chicks.
208
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:29,336
If I get wings, I get to pick up
on the girls who died young.
209
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:34,708
That sounds great for you,
but what are you gonna do for me?
210
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,776
Show me that my life can only get worse?
211
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:39,512
What are you gonna do?
Give me more wives? More kids?
212
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,015
Make me a--?
Make me a White Sox fan?
213
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,019
No, Bundy. We're gonna take a little trip.
214
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,356
Just like you wondered,
I'm gonna show you...
215
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:53,059
...What it would've been like if you'd
never been born. Let's party.
216
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:24,491
Peg! It's me. And my angel.
217
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:30,997
She doesn't know you're there, Bundy,
just like when you're having sex.
218
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,972
Wait a second. She's cooking.
219
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,143
She told me she was allergic to fire.
220
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:44,911
Gee, that's weird.
221
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:47,947
I guess after I died,
women started lying, huh?
222
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,350
Boy, I tell you...
223
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:54,654
...If they ever start using sex
to get what they want, I'm out of here.
224
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:04,931
Hello, Mother.
225
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:08,468
Oh, you're home a trifle late, dear.
226
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:12,005
Oh, yes, I know.
Regrettable, but necessary.
227
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,974
I had to stop on the way home
to soundly thrash a bully...
228
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:18,678
...Who was making lewd comments
to some female school chums.
229
00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:23,850
Oh, Mother, when will men
realize that the delicate flower...
230
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:27,187
...Of womanhood must be allowed
to bloom in freedom?
231
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,990
You're such a fine young man.
232
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:34,461
I knew it would pay to breastfeed you
till you were nine.
233
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,236
Do you need any money, dear?
234
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:47,073
Oh, no. I could never take money from you.
235
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,909
You and Father have given me
the greatest gift of all:
236
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,644
The gift of life.
237
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,780
Would he feel it if I kicked him?
238
00:16:55,949 --> 00:16:59,786
No, but for a little extra cash,
I could give him your dog's face.
239
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,323
- Would you take an IOU?
- Not from you.
240
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,126
Hello, Mama!
241
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,597
I'm home from college.
242
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,202
College?
She flunked lunch in high school.
243
00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:21,941
Good news. They're publishing
my poetry in French.
244
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,878
Oh, Budrick.
245
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,014
You look fabulous.
246
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,417
You really must be popular
with the ladies.
247
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:35,188
Well, I've broken a few hearts,
but gained some good friends.
248
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:40,059
And you, dear sister,
are you still frigid?
249
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:46,733
Yes, but pleasures of the flesh
muddy the thinking.
250
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,334
She's right, you know.
251
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,737
I saved myself for marriage.
252
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,473
Oh, come on!
253
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,643
The football team retired her jersey.
254
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:07,420
I mean, what kind of guy would
marry her if she wasn't putting out?
255
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:14,594
- It's Daddy!
- It's Daddy!
256
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,164
- Oh, family!
- Oh, Daddy!
257
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,533
Dear heart!
258
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,971
There they go again.
259
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:29,008
- Know those wings you been wanting?
- Yeah.
260
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:32,178
You think you can make a pair
out of this guy's kidneys?
261
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:34,881
Hey, don't worry about him.
I checked into his future.
262
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:38,117
By the time he's 60,
his stomach is so ulcer-ridden that--
263
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,619
Oh, that's you.
264
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,556
Sorry, man. Sorry.
265
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,625
So how was your day, honey?
266
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:49,329
Oh, wonderful as every day since we met.
267
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:53,166
Am I the only one who can taste the bile?
268
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,537
Oh, by the way, dear,
I didn't have a chance...
269
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,372
...To finish the Christmas cookies.
270
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:02,308
I had a run-in with a shoe salesman today.
271
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,945
There she goes. She's leaving him.
No one can resist a shoe salesman.
272
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:08,715
I was only trying on shoes
for a couple of hours...
273
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,650
...And he barked at me.
274
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:14,420
He was a rude, smelly,
uneducated, little man.
275
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:18,458
Imagine, a grown man selling
shoes for a living.
276
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,029
But let us remember the old adage:
277
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:27,967
"I lamented I had no shoes until
I saw the man who sold them."
278
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,506
I'll bet you're all wondering
where your presents are.
279
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,341
Oh, Father...
280
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,644
...You needn't get us anything.
281
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,112
What?!
282
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:41,548
Oh, yes.
283
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,484
Your love and guidance
all these years means more to us...
284
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,553
...Than any store-bought bauble.
285
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:51,658
I-- I just love you guys so much.
286
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:56,329
Well, gee, this was fun.
287
00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,732
What do we do next?
288
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,769
Go back in time to the day
I should have been conceived?
289
00:20:02,936 --> 00:20:04,971
Watch my father invent the condom?
290
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:12,245
No. No more time travel for me.
291
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,480
It gives me the runs.
292
00:20:14,948 --> 00:20:18,618
You're the one that wanted to see what
life would be like if you weren't born.
293
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:20,753
So grin and bear it.
294
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,091
Family, I have a little announcement.
295
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:29,262
I do have a special Christmas
present for everyone.
296
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:33,099
I've watched you all suffer
in this hovel for years...
297
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,734
...But over the years...
298
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:39,138
...I've been saving, and that,
along with Mommy's sewing money...
299
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:41,741
...Has allowed me to buy us a new house.
300
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,910
A mansion, really.
301
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:47,380
So how about joining me
in a "Whoa, Jablonski."
302
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:50,717
Whoa, Jablonski!
303
00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:53,386
Whoa, Jablonski?
304
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:57,624
Oh, Norman, what a special Christmas.
305
00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:00,994
Let's just stand here and love each other.
306
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,895
Kids.
307
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,835
- I love you.
- I love you.
308
00:21:09,002 --> 00:21:10,837
- I love you.
- I love you.
309
00:21:11,004 --> 00:21:13,506
- I love you.
- I love you.
310
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:15,808
I love you.
311
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:19,879
Now, that's the straw that
broke the camel's back.
312
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:22,215
I'm sorry, Bundy. I failed you.
313
00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:24,717
I was supposed to show you
why you should live...
314
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:27,353
...But I can't think of one darn reason.
315
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,355
I'll never get my wings now.
316
00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:34,894
Know what kind of woman you get in
heaven driving around in a '78 Pinto?
317
00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:39,032
The same kind of woman you get
down here driving around a '78 Pinto.
318
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:42,135
God, I'm depressed.
319
00:21:44,037 --> 00:21:46,372
Well, that's better.
320
00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:52,445
Wait a second.
321
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:55,081
I wanna be back with my family.
322
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:57,583
Why?
323
00:21:57,750 --> 00:22:00,687
Look at them. They're happy.
324
00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,722
Not a care in the world.
325
00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:04,691
You think I'm gonna let that happen...
326
00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:07,727
...After all the grief they put me through?
327
00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:10,596
I want to live!
328
00:22:11,264 --> 00:22:12,999
Bundy, are you serious?
329
00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:16,469
That means I'm gonna be an angel!
I'm gonna get my wings!
330
00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:18,671
I'm gonna be a real angel!
331
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,339
But first--
332
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:23,142
First I'm gonna go take
a look at my ex-wife.
333
00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:25,311
You really did love her, huh?
334
00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:29,649
No. No, I just wanna put a package
of Ding Dongs just out of reach...
335
00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,384
...Of her porkpie fingers.
336
00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:35,321
And then, as she oozes that
thousand-pound bulk...
337
00:22:35,488 --> 00:22:37,857
...Over the table,
lifts up three of her chins...
338
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,526
...So she's able to put
one of them into her mouth...
339
00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:44,063
...I'm gonna turn them into me!
A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
340
00:22:44,263 --> 00:22:45,665
How do you like that, Thelma?
341
00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:47,700
Daddy's home for Christmas!
342
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:49,802
You pig! You slut!
343
00:22:49,969 --> 00:22:51,771
Take a bite of this, Shamu!
344
00:23:00,513 --> 00:23:02,749
Al, get up!
345
00:23:05,818 --> 00:23:06,819
Peg.
346
00:23:07,754 --> 00:23:09,622
You know me?
347
00:23:09,789 --> 00:23:12,158
Well, of course, I know you.
348
00:23:12,358 --> 00:23:14,627
Why do you think
I didn't help you up?
349
00:23:16,095 --> 00:23:17,930
Come on, kids, let's go inside.
350
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:20,199
Knowing your father,
he'll catch pneumonia...
351
00:23:20,366 --> 00:23:23,803
...Cough on us, and we'll all get sick.
Out of the way, Al.
352
00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:26,506
- Yeah, you rotten...
- God.
353
00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:34,914
Bud, quick--
354
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:38,251
What's more important, love or money?
355
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:41,454
Well, money, Dad.
I can always rent love.
356
00:23:42,622 --> 00:23:45,324
Kelly, quick--
What's the color of an orange?
357
00:23:45,491 --> 00:23:46,926
No multiple choice?
358
00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:50,696
You mean, just straight
off the top of my head?
359
00:23:50,863 --> 00:23:55,034
No. Don't worry about it, pumpkin.
Peg, bake me some Christmas cookies.
360
00:23:55,201 --> 00:23:57,603
- Drop dead, Al.
- All right!
361
00:23:59,505 --> 00:24:02,108
Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood.
362
00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:05,511
You know, they raised the Christmas
platter at Denny's 50 cents.
363
00:24:05,678 --> 00:24:09,482
So we had to go to the Spud Hut
for their Holiday Tater Feast.
364
00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:12,685
Thanks a lot, Al.
365
00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:15,288
This is the worst Christmas
I've ever had.
366
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,256
Yeah, me too. This reeks.
367
00:24:19,759 --> 00:24:22,028
Just a regular orange?
368
00:24:24,063 --> 00:24:26,032
I've got my family back.
369
00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:30,269
Okay, heaven, I'm back.
370
00:24:30,436 --> 00:24:32,572
Open up the gates.
371
00:24:32,738 --> 00:24:34,607
What do you mean, where's my badge?
372
00:24:34,774 --> 00:24:36,876
It's in my luggage.
373
00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:38,878
They lost my luggage?
28708
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