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1
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,499
No!
2
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,836
Daddy's home.
3
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:49,343
I hate Christmas.
4
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:52,012
The mall is full of nothing
but women and children.
5
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:54,882
All you hear is,
"I want this. Get me this.
6
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:56,717
I have to have this."
7
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,919
Then there's the children.
8
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,123
And they're all by my store...
9
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:07,461
...Because they stuck the mall Santa
right outside, ringing his stupid bell.
10
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:12,600
As if you need a bell to notice
a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit.
11
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,436
"Ho, ho, ho," all day long.
12
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:20,040
So, nice as can be, I go outside
and ask him to shut the hell up.
13
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:22,309
He takes a swing at me.
14
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:26,714
So I lay a hook into his fat belly
and he goes down.
15
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:31,719
Beard comes off, all the kids
start crying, and I'm the bad guy.
16
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:37,791
Honey, I know what would
make you feel better...
17
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:41,795
...But I'll never leave you,
not in a million years.
18
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:46,000
So, Al, what's the family plan
for Christmas this year?
19
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,135
Five bowls a-flushing?
20
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:51,238
Four 'roids a-throbbing?
21
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:54,642
Three nose hairs waving?
22
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:57,177
Two children starving?
23
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,881
One untouched wife
24
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:13,594
This is what they mean when they say,
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
25
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:17,898
I know last Christmas
you didn't get what you wanted.
26
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,600
I saw your sad little faces.
27
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,570
How? You weren't even home.
28
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,072
You shot pool with your friends.
29
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:29,577
Hey, your faces were
still sad the next day.
30
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:34,248
But this year, it's gonna be different.
Who knows what a Christmas club is?
31
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,651
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank...
32
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:41,221
...To get two percent interest
instead of the normal five?
33
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,159
Yeah.
34
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,829
Anyway, I've got one of these
Christmas club things...
35
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:52,700
...And was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
36
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:57,104
So in addition to our annual
Christmas feast at Denny's...
37
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,676
...This year, we're getting presents.
38
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:05,112
- Oh, I can't believe it!
- Presents! Yes!
39
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,114
Al, this isn't a joke, is it?
40
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,183
Like when we were dating and you said:
41
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,753
"Stick with me, babe,
I'm really going places"?
42
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:17,191
Gee, I remember saying that.
I just didn't think I said it to you.
43
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,627
Anyway, Christmas is not
the time for regrets.
44
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:23,097
That's what anniversaries are for.
45
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,767
Come on. Let's all have
a little Christmas "Whoa, Bundy."
46
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,037
Whoa, Bundy!
47
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,642
That may be carollers.
Bud, hit the lights.
48
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,443
Everybody down.
49
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,649
It's Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
50
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,485
Should I fix us up a stink bomb?
51
00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,855
No, let them in.
They may have presents.
52
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,893
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!
53
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:58,399
Nothing. Empty-handed.
54
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:04,838
Okay, who's got my wedding ring?
55
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,242
Thank you.
56
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:11,078
Anyway, I just came over
to say Merry Christmas.
57
00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:13,881
I won't be here, because
of a previous commitment.
58
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:17,685
Yes, he's spending Christmas
with Mommy, you know.
59
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,857
Why can't you and Mother get along?
60
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,994
The woman hangs her coat on me.
61
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,199
What about your mother
and her little, "Oops! Sorry, Stevie.
62
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,768
I didn't know you were in the shower."
63
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,841
Marcie, you want some coffee?
64
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,010
- Sure.
- Hey, I want some coffee.
65
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:46,680
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
There's only enough for two.
66
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,283
- Kids, you want any?
- Sure.
67
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:54,354
Why are wives jealous of the relationship...
68
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:57,758
- ...Between a man and his mother?
- They see someone cares for you...
69
00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,860
- ...And it eats them up.
- Yep.
70
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,863
My mom left Marcie instructions
on how to take care of me.
71
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,599
Still, one week after we were married...
72
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:08,936
...Guess who was washing his own hair.
73
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,606
Oh, that must be my taxi.
74
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:15,042
Merry Christmas, honey.
Come give me a kiss.
75
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,612
- Come on, Stevie!
- Coming, Mother!
76
00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:22,783
The man's mother came from Cincinnati
to pick him up?
77
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:26,053
Boy, if Weenie Town ever needs a mayor...
78
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:27,955
Peggy, what am I gonna do?
79
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:30,791
We were supposed to go to the party
at my bank tomorrow.
80
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:33,227
I can't go stag.
What will people think?
81
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,596
Marcie, let me give you some advice.
82
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,902
Don't spend time thinking about
things you don't have:
83
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,671
A good relationship...
84
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,107
...Nice hair...
85
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,677
...A good disposition, a woman's body.
86
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:55,482
Think instead
about the things you do have.
87
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:59,520
When you do, let me know, because
I've drawn a blank. Merry Christmas!
88
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,556
Al!
89
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,592
Christmas is no time
to make fun of someone...
90
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,961
...Whose life is crumbling down around them.
91
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:11,298
Do you know how many people
with lives a lot better than hers...
92
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,334
...Commit suicide this time of year?
93
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,638
Now, you should say something nice to her...
94
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:20,507
...Even if you don't mean it.
95
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,611
You look very nice, Marcie.
96
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,780
See?
97
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,283
I'll tell you what you should do.
98
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,518
You should go to that party without Steve.
99
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,654
Get wild. Get crazy.
100
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:35,589
Pretend you're single again.
101
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,258
Dance on the tabletops, chase after men...
102
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:42,429
...Rub your red hair up and down
their chests like a feather duster...
103
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,498
...And then reach out and--
104
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:55,542
And say, "I'm married,"
and go home, like I would.
105
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:57,945
I guess you're right.
106
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,447
I'll go to the party,
but I won't have any fun.
107
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,883
This will be the worst
Christmas I ever had.
108
00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,586
I'll wind up home alone,
sitting in the dark.
109
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:09,723
That is, unless some friends
invite me over.
110
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:17,965
Poor Marcie. I feel so bad for her.
111
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,968
So, Al, we're really gonna get presents?
112
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,137
Yeah! You betcha!
I pick up the money tomorrow morning.
113
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:27,774
This is gonna be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever.
114
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,445
Hit the lights!
115
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:40,153
We know you're in there!
116
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,296
Oh, Al.
117
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:01,074
Come unwrap your Christmas present.
118
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,710
Where is it?
119
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,980
It's me, you feeb.
120
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,483
Oh, Peg, how do you expect me
to get excited...
121
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:13,820
...When you just rewrap the same junk
I didn't play with the year before?
122
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,560
Oh, come on, Al.
Thrill me as only you can.
123
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:24,598
Show Mommy the Christmas club bankbook.
124
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:28,902
Okay, but just this once.
125
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:38,612
- Again, Al, again!
- It's never enough, is it?
126
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:42,215
Oh, you were fantastic. Let's cuddle.
127
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,054
I suppose a shower's
out of the question, huh?
128
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,857
And I don't think deodorant
is tough enough to handle this baby.
129
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,426
I'll get the bug spray.
130
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:09,776
Dad, I couldn't sleep.
131
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,045
I sense you're on the horns of a dilemma.
132
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:16,583
Now, to wit, you have $280.
133
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,952
But how do you split it up?
134
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,522
Well, maybe I can help.
135
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:26,126
You see, I hate to tell you this, Dad...
136
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,029
...But Kelly doesn't love you.
137
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:32,566
Never has, never will.
138
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,535
But you do, don't you, son?
139
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,939
With all my heart and soul.
140
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,108
But back to Kelly.
141
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,777
Now, how can we punish her?
142
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,680
How, how, how?
143
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,082
I know.
144
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:53,020
I bet spending all the money on me,
and nothing on her...
145
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,989
...Would fix her little red wagon.
146
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,524
So remember, Dad.
147
00:10:57,691 --> 00:11:00,093
This year, when you think Christmas...
148
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,763
...Think Bud.
149
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,742
Come in, Kelly.
150
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:20,047
Hi, Daddy. I just wanted to tell you...
151
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:24,051
...I just got a call from the doctor,
and I'm dying.
152
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,855
Yep, I've got "bulgaria."
153
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,729
The doctor says that it's "terminus."
154
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,368
How much time do you have, pumpkin?
155
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:44,104
Well, I've got till
Christmas morning...
156
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:47,207
...And the only known cure
is a good present.
157
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:51,211
You know, in the 250 to 275 price range?
158
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,981
Gee, then I wouldn't have
any money to get Bud anything.
159
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,819
I know, but it's not like
he loves you or anything.
160
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:02,055
When I think of all the times
that he wished you dead...
161
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:06,493
Well, I just wanted to tell you that, but
whatever you decide is okay with me.
162
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,300
I thought I'd find you here.
What are you doing?
163
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,469
Loving Daddy.
What are you doing here?
164
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,905
Saying hi to the man who gave me life
and his name. Make way!
165
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,908
No! He's my daddy!
166
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:23,977
What is going on here?
167
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,213
- Help.
- Kelly's pretending she loves Daddy.
168
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:29,149
Yeah? Bud's trying to hog
all Daddy's money for himself.
169
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,352
That's it. Both of you, out of here.
170
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:36,857
Daddy is not stupid enough
to believe you really love him.
171
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,526
Now, just stop your whining.
172
00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:42,996
Go on. Get out.
Daddy's getting us all presents.
173
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,731
Go on.
174
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,240
You know, if I were you...
175
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:56,209
...I wouldn't get them anything...
176
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,347
...Because I'm the only one
who really loves you.
177
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,251
Oh, and by the way, Al...
178
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:07,020
...I just got a call from the doctor.
179
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,389
I may be dying.
180
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:14,261
More toaster shakings, Kel?
181
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,897
Please.
182
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,773
Daddy gone?
183
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,508
Mom, it's noon.
184
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,143
Only noon?
185
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,513
God, I just couldn't sleep
from all the excitement.
186
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,223
Oh, look. I can't even eat.
187
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:46,359
I'm so excited.
We're getting Christmas presents...
188
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,862
...And on Christmas.
189
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,465
Well, Mom, I hate to put
a damper on the festivities...
190
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:56,169
...But since Dad's getting us presents,
shouldn't we get him something?
191
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,839
God, it never occurred to me.
192
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,976
Kind of takes the fun
out of the whole thing.
193
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:06,546
Well, I'm not spending any
of my money. I've got expenses.
194
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,816
What, a new shipment of your
favorite perfume come in, Kel?
195
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,752
You know, eau de shore leave?
196
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,755
Go swim in your sheets.
197
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:20,260
Now, kids, we said all this
at Thanksgiving.
198
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,630
What we've got to do
is get Daddy some presents.
199
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:25,899
And as my mom always said:
200
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:29,736
"The best presents are in Dad's closet."
201
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:33,106
Well, I'm gonna give Daddy
something that he's never used before:
202
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,775
His toothbrush.
203
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,278
And I'll get him his underwear.
204
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:42,015
And as his wife, he deserves to get
something special from me.
205
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:46,786
I know. I'll get him his winter coat
that Buck's been sleeping on.
206
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,358
Oh, this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever!
207
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,668
There he is, kids.
208
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:04,371
The man who hit Santa.
209
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,607
Tonight, we'll all come back
and egg his window.
210
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:10,443
Yeah, Santa.
211
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:17,417
Anytime you want it, fat boy!
212
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,388
The bank!
I gotta get to Marcie's bank.
213
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,062
Ma'am, I'm sorry, we're closed.
I gotta get to the bank by 3:00.
214
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:32,065
We won't be but a minute.
215
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:34,801
Hurry up, Mama!
216
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:52,152
14.95, you say?
217
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:53,920
Yes!
218
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,755
Please hurry!
219
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:59,125
Mama has the money.
220
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,398
I don't have any money.
221
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,167
Well, who has it?
222
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,206
Mom!
223
00:17:51,004 --> 00:17:53,006
There he is, guys!
224
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,941
No!
225
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:07,220
Needed some help, eh, Horowitz?
226
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:10,957
I guess you're not Santa enough
to face me alone.
227
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:13,827
Remember, I know when you're sleeping.
228
00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:17,130
And I know when you've had beans.
229
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:34,581
What did you get us for Christmas, Daddy?
230
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:37,350
Well, family, the bank was closed.
231
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,619
I have no money for presents.
232
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,755
You still love me, though, right?
233
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:56,503
- I want toys!
- Just a minute, honey.
234
00:18:56,669 --> 00:19:00,139
- Mommy wants to get some shoes.
- Toys, toys, toys!
235
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,509
- Oh, kids. You gotta love them.
- Toys!
236
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:05,211
Put a cork in it, demon!
237
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:10,083
What I wouldn't pay to get rid of him
for an hour so I could shop in peace.
238
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,471
- Water.
- Shut up.
239
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,279
- You'll never get away with this.
- Oh, won't I?
240
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:43,883
You be quiet, or I'll send you to the
bathroom dungeon like little Bobby.
241
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,223
Hey, Bundy, we want some entertainment.
242
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:54,627
Okay, I'll tell you a nice Christmas
story. Gather around Uncle Al.
243
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,230
All right, that's close enough.
244
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,732
All right, here we go.
245
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,901
'Twas the night
Before Christmas
246
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,070
And all through the house
247
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:08,007
No food was a-stirring
Not even a mouse
248
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:11,778
Stockings were hung
'Round Dad's neck like a tie
249
00:20:11,945 --> 00:20:15,214
Along with a note
That said, "Presents or die"
250
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,819
Children were plotting
All night in their beds
251
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:24,624
While the wife's constant whining
Was splitting his head
252
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:28,261
But Daddy had money this year
In the bank
253
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:32,865
Then they closed up early
Now Dad's in the tank
254
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,835
Then all of a sudden
Santa appeared
255
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:39,672
A sneer on his face
Booze in his beard
256
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:42,642
"Santa," I said
As he laughed merrily
257
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:45,979
"You do so much for others
Do something for me"
258
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,948
"Bundy," he said "You only sell shoes
259
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:53,353
Your son is a sneak thief
Your daughter's a flooze"
260
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,190
"Ho, ho," Santa said
"Should I mention your wife?
261
00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:01,227
Her hair's like an A-bomb
Her nails like a knife"
262
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:06,232
And he climbs up the chimney
That fat piece of dung
263
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,535
He mooned me two times
He stuck out his tongue
264
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:14,641
And I heard him exclaim
As he broke wind with glee
265
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:19,579
"You're married, with children
You'll never be free"
266
00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:28,087
Now, who wants to hear
about the red-headed grinch...
267
00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:30,356
...That stole Uncle Al's life?
268
00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:33,993
- There he is!
- He depressed us.
269
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,296
- Oh, you beast!
- No! Hey!
270
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:43,269
And here's your money back.
271
00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:45,638
And yours.
272
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:47,840
And yours.
273
00:21:48,007 --> 00:21:49,575
And yours.
274
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:51,678
- And yours.
- Thank you.
275
00:21:51,878 --> 00:21:55,782
Okay, Franklin, say goodbye to Uncle Al.
276
00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:59,018
Good boy!
277
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:03,556
Attention, shoppers.
The mall is now closing...
278
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:07,193
...So that our merchants can get home
and be with their loving families.
279
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:08,928
Thank you for shopping with us.
280
00:22:09,095 --> 00:22:12,398
Merry Christmas, and good night.
21779
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