All language subtitles for Married With Children S03E10 Requiem For A Dead Barber MULTi 1080p AMZN WEB-DL H264-Mixio_track4_[eng]

It was a nice funeral, wasn't it, Al?

Come on, honey.

Come on.

He's dead, Peg. He's dead.

- What am I gonna do now?
- Easy, Al.

- Nobody lives forever.
- I thought he would.

He had a nice full life.

Now, be strong, Al.

You're just gonna have to face the fact
your barber is dead.

Why did it have to be him...

...Who meant so much to so many?

Couldn't it have been somebody
nobody would've missed?

A wretch of a human being?

Why couldn't it have been
your mother?

I'm sure there's still someone alive...

...Who can cut all 12 of your remaining
hairs for a buck and a quarter.

It wasn't the money, Peg.
Tony knew my hair, and he cared.

Remember that time I had
that bad case of dandruff in '83?

Yeah, I remember.

The whole family gathered
some coal and a carrot...

...And we made
Frosty the Dandruff Man.

Tony was there to hold my hand
through that rough time.

Going to Tony was a family tradition.
My father went to him.

I went to him. I took Bud to him.

Until the other kids started calling him
"Bud the Bowl Head."

God, it broke my heart
when Bud refused to go.

I had to tell Tony Bud died.

We wept together. That's the kind of
guy Tony was. Everybody loved him.

Sorry I'm late. I wanted to wait till they
packed the dirt over the old butcher.

That old butcher cried
when you died, Bud.

I'll bet he did.

Who else would let him put a bowl
on their head while he said:

"I'm gonna make you
look like Sinatra."

Bud, your father's right.
We should show a little respect.

Even for the hated dead.

And like my mother said
when I married your father:

"If you can't feel it, fake it."

Yeah, and if you don't care anymore,
marry it.

Now, I'd like a moment of silence
for my barber.

- Excuse me.
- Amen.

Well, now that Tony's worm food,
I can get out of these funeral clothes.

Oh, Dad, you know how I've been
bothering you about a sports car?

Well, forget it. I want a hearse.

I was just cruising around the cemetery
with Boris, the driver. God, was it cool.

On Friday, he's taking me out
and promised to have a dead body in it.

Mom said it's wrong
to use a guy for his hearse...

...So can I have one of my own?
Please?

Well, Al, she has been
doing better in school.

Why am I thinking
they buried the wrong guy?

Cheer up, honey.
Your day will come.

And when it does,
you'll be glad we have that hearse.

Al, I know you were at a funeral, so this
might be a bad time to bring this up...

...But did you come into our yard
in the middle of the night...

...And steal all our roses?

Steve, I've never been
so insulted in my life.

Well, then I guess
this isn't your watch.

So who died?
A close family member?

No, worse, my barber.
And it hit me pretty hard too.

Who am I gonna get to cut my hair?

Why don't you just do
what you do with your lawn?

Park your car on it and let it die.

Thanks, but much like
the hair on your legs...

...I need the help
of a trained professional.

Look, Al, why don't you just
go to my barber.

Well, thanks, Steve,
but I still care how I look.

Dad, why don't you just go to
Kelly's guy, Mr. Albino.

Or you could always go to Bud's guy
at the Pimple Emporium.

Ask for Mr. Squeeze-It.

Look how I live.

Come on, Al.
The kids will think you're serious.

Honey, you're making a big thing
over nothing.

Usually, you're a big thing
who makes nothing.

Anyway, you can get
your hair cut anywhere.

There are thousands of stylists
in this city.

Yeah, stylists.
I want a barber with a barber pole.

With a dog that lays on the floor
and scratches and bites at his fleas.

Where am I gonna see
a sight like that again, Peg?

Look next to me while I'm sleeping.

Why don't you find some guy
with good hair...

...And ask him where he gets it cut.

Sure, I'll compliment him on his hair...

...And he'll compliment me
on my bedroom eyes...

...And we'll live together
and make terrariums.

I'm going upstairs
to be alone with my grief.

Well, make sure
to pull up the Air Wick.

I gave Buck a nice big dish of water.

Now I'm gonna take him
for a walk on Tony's grave.

He didn't go to the funeral...

...But I know he wants to say goodbye
in his own special way.

He's quite a little guy, isn't he?

Gee, Al seems to be taking this
pretty badly.

Death is something you're
never really prepared for.

Well, it does make you think.

One minute you're in perfect health...

...And then the next minute,
poof, Al's dead.

Gee, and I'd be left with no income
and no insurance.

- What would I do?
- Get a job?

No, I said, what would I do?

I mean, of course I would remarry...

...But that could take
up to nine months.

And what if Al didn't die
till I was in my 40s?

Then where would I be?

Well, thank God Steve cares enough
to get insurance.

Why, he's worth more dead
than he is alive.

Well, so is Al.

You know, what with food stamps
and welfare and all.

How much is yours worth dead?

A cool mil.

Wow.

What I could do
with a million dollars.

Hey, Marcie,
knowing he's worth that much...

...Have you ever, late at night
while he's sleeping...

...Thought about...?

But all this is pie in the sky.

Peggy, you really should
get insurance for Al.

Honey...

...I thought I was only insured
for $250,000.

Steve, please. This is girl talk.

I know an insurance group that not
only will insure you over the phone...

...But will also raise your coverage
without your husband even knowing.

I thought we discuss
things that affect us both.

This doesn't affect you, Steve.

You'll be dead.

Anyhow, Peggy, all you need...

...Is for Al to give a sample of blood
and urine and you're home.

The urine would be easy.

I could just put a little cup
five feet from the bowl.

But the blood is gonna be tough.

I could use a million, though.

We all could.

Well, we have to go.
Steve has to sweep out the gutters...

...And I'm going to hold
the ladder for him.

- I love you, Marcie.
- That's nice, dear.

First name: Al.

Last name: Bundy.

Sex: not worth mentioning.

Peg, the darnedest thing.

When I woke up,
my neck was bleeding.

And there was a--
There was a jar between my legs.

Well, maybe you dreamt
you were making preserves.

Yeah, that must be it.

Who am I gonna get to cut my hair?
I called all my friends last night.

What did he say?

He said, "I'm still in San Quentin
for killing the wife, but it was worth it."

And the rest of them said that they're
gonna start going to salons.

Hey, Peg, these are plumbers,
construction workers, auto mechanics.

Oh, unlike you.

Skilled illiterates.

Come on, honey.
What's wrong with going to salons?

Do they have regular checker games
in salons, Peg?

Do they run the numbers
in salons, Peg?

Will they laugh in a salon
when you say:

"What do women and dog doody
have in common?

The older they get,
the easier they are to pick up."

Will they, Peg?

- Probably not, Al.
- Then I'm not going.

And I'll tell you something else.
I need a place that'll cut my nose hair.

Tony would. He was the greatest.

He'd really get in there.

Will a salon cut my nose hair, Peg?

- Probably not, Al.
- Then I'm not going.

Then what are you gonna do, Al?

Die broke, Peg.

But first, I'm going to find a barber.
A real man.

A man who likes girls,
but hates women.

Look at him, kids.
He's worth a million dollars.

Get a haircut, Al.

I'm not getting a haircut
until I find a barber.

It's time, Al.

Last night you were snoring...

...And your nose hairs were going
in and out like a trombone.

I'm afraid one day they're gonna
reach out and suck in one of the kids.

Don't you think
I wanna get a haircut, Peg?

You think I like fat
guys in granny glasses...

...Asking me if I like
the new Dead album?

But I'm trying to make
a statement here.

I'm saying, let's not let
the barber disappear.

They've taken everything else
away from us in the name of progress.

They take the pinball machine,
give you video games.

What do I care if a monkey can
make it to the top of a building?

Unless he's going up there to throw off
his wife, doesn't matter to me.

I want flippers. I want steel balls.

And I want my barber, damn it.

Is he brain-dead? Because
we just might be able to collect.

And cartoons. Has anybody
here seen cartoons lately?

No, we're grown up, Dad.

Well, I have, and they stink.

Peg, remember when a mouse...

...Could hit a cat with a frying pan
and flatten his head?

Now you know what they do?
They go into therapy and talk it out.

And you know who's to blame?
Women and pacifists.

And you know where they go
to make my life miserable? Salons.

Come on, family. Can't you get
behind old Dad on this one?

Well, we can't get in front of you,
your nose hairs would spear us.

That's it.

Now, I never thought
this would happen to me.

Life has taken everything else
away from me.

I quit. That's it.
I'm going to a salon.

I hope they buried Tony facedown
so he never has to see my shame.

Because Al Bundy...

...Is gonna get washed...

...And blown.

Hi.

Come in, come in.
What can we do for you?

A first-timer.

Now, sit down. Relax.

Someone will be with you
in a minute.

So, what do you think
about those Bears?

Well, if people wouldn't feed them,
they wouldn't raid the campsites.

Yeah, that's what I think
about the White Sox.

Hi.

You get your hair done here too?

Ever since I could find
an old man to pay for it.

- Do you like it?
- Oh, yes.

- Are you rich?
- No.

Hi, I'm Murphy.
What can I do for you?

Do you know how to dance
in a cage?

- I mean, no, I need a haircut.
- Well, come with me.

That's a nice place
you got there.

You know, my old barber used
to charge $1.25.

- How much are you guys?
- Sixty dollars.

No, seriously.

Aren't we woolly?

Yeah. You guys really aren't $60,
are you?

Well, you know our motto,
people are suckers.

I'm not supposed
to say that to the customers.

Oh, well. Just relax.
Leave your head in our hands.

We'll start with
a nice scalp massage.

Alrighty.

My name's Bundy. Al Bundy.

Oh, that's good.

Funny, I was kind of worried
coming over here...

...You know, not being a sissy
and anything...

...But if I'd have known you were...

If I knew you were gonna be doing me,
I'd have been here years ago.

I wish you would've said that
when I was single.

Mom, how long do we have to
sit here in the dark?

Until your father
comes out of the bushes.

He won't come in the house
unless he thinks we're sleeping.

Well, what if he looks like a geek?

Can we laugh?

Kelly, he's your father.

Of course we can.

I think I smell him coming.

Well, how do you like it?

You look like a fruit, Al.

Thanks, Peg.

Pretty cool, Dad. It gives you that
no-closet-can-hold-me look.

Now, leave Dad alone.

You're still gonna wear
men's clothing, aren't you?

Oh, honey, we're just teasing.

You look fantastic.
Doesn't he, kids?

- Great.
- Yummy.

See, it's unanimous.

By the way...

...Your nose hairs
look somehow longer.

They moussed them.

But they wouldn't cut them.

The important thing is, I...

I feel cool.

Good night.

Some...

Some sex tonight, Peg?

No, thanks.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late, but I had a rinse,
mousse and protein pack.

Watch that cigar, man.
You're gonna get smoke in my hair.

And Mr. Freddy says
it's hell on my conditioner, man.

Mr. Luscious won't let me
put on my construction hat.

Ruins the integrity of the cut.

You look good, Al.

Yeah, we're studs.

What are we gonna do tonight?

Put on our baby-dolls,
drink a few beers...

...And give each other spankings?

How's about shooting some pool?

Oh, no. The severity of the neon
will ruin the highlights in my hair.

Bowling?

No, we'd get beat up.

Well, what can we do that won't
put any stress on our hair?

We could go see La Cage Aux Folles .

It's really a fine play.

You're a plumber, Louie.

I was never really comfortable
as a plumber.

Louie, excuse us a second.

Look at-- This place is a mess.

Look, it's all over for Louie,
and, Russ, you're slipping.

But we got a chance.
Here's what we gotta do:

We go out and find a fire hydrant.

We turn that sucker on.

We stick our heads in the hole
and wash the gay away.

You mean go outside without nets?

I think we better hurry.

And afterwards, no matter how
long it takes, we find a barber.

A real barber. Let's go.

Louie, come on.

We're going dancing.

- I want a steak.
- I want beer.

- I want a woman.
- I'm not dressed for dancing.

Well, kids, your Daddy's
worthless again.

The insurance company found out
he was a shoe salesman.

They refused to cover him
because of the high suicide rate.

So in other words, dead or alive,
we still starve.

Then why do we keep him?

Without him, we'd have to get jobs.

And Buck seems to like him.

Where is Dad?

Oh, he and the rest of the think tank
are out searching for a barber.

Mom, you can be square with me.

I mean, I know Kelly is
Dad's natural daughter.

But me, I was just some
one-night stand with a cool guy, right?

I heard that.

I'm not Dad's either.

- Are too!
- Am not!

- Are too!
- Am not!

Kids! Stop that.

You're both Daddy's kids.

Peg, I did it! I found a barber!

But not just any barber.

I found Tony's dad in Cicero.

He's 97 and half-blind...

...But he's taught Tony
everything he knows.

He even trimmed my nose hairs.
Look, look.

Now, that's old-world craftsmanship
right there.

Now, I know you think I'm crazy...

...But there's nothing like
going to a real barber.

Even though his hand
shakes a little.