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1
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Monday, 3:00, People's Court .
2
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:25,152
Three-thirty, Wheel of Fortune .
3
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,190
Four o'clock...
4
00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:31,492
...My time.
5
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,895
Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?
6
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:38,265
- He went to get a haircut.
- He didn't need a haircut.
7
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:41,502
I know, but he and his friends
like to sit around there...
8
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:44,605
...And talk about
all they could have been in life.
9
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,575
So it shouldn't be long. Why?
10
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:51,545
Well, he promised to give me
another driving lesson today.
11
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:54,982
Unless you'd like to do it. Please?
12
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:59,487
- Well, what's wrong with your father?
- He won't let me adjust the seat...
13
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,690
...His foot stays poised
over the brake, and he yells out:
14
00:02:02,857 --> 00:02:08,162
"Red light! Stop! Stop! Stop,"
when it's still three blocks away.
15
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:12,099
I just know that my roots
are coming in grey.
16
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,668
You know the most irritating thing of all?
17
00:02:14,869 --> 00:02:17,872
The way he spits out the window.
18
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,908
No, it's instead of listening
to real music...
19
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,410
...He cranks up the oldies station.
20
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,212
Well, don't worry about it, honey.
21
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:29,950
Tomorrow, you'll pass your driving test
and have your very own license.
22
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,558
Well, Daddy's home.
23
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:41,228
I'll go get my jacket and my earplugs.
24
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,131
Peg, sell the house!
25
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:48,202
Why, Al? Did you see a shirt
somewhere you'd like?
26
00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:54,041
Yes. It said,
"Congratulate me. Wife's dead."
27
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,647
In the barbershop,
I got a tip on a horse.
28
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:04,418
It's fate, Peg.
His name is Dr. Footwear.
29
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,156
Get it? Dr. Footwear.
30
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,992
I sell shoes.
31
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,829
He's running this Sunday at Arlington...
32
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:20,134
...But the great part is
he's never won a race!
33
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,138
Al, does this story have a point...
34
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:28,108
...Or does it just sort of
go on endlessly, like our marriage?
35
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:31,145
When you act like this
I wanna throw you on the floor...
36
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:33,314
...And make love to you.
37
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,417
Either that or just
throw you on the floor.
38
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:41,855
Back to the horse. They're holding
him back to run up the odds...
39
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,892
...Which, this Sunday,
will be a minimum of 20-to-1.
40
00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,494
This is our chance to really make it big.
41
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,396
I gotta get some money to bet.
42
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:52,466
Is there anything we don't use
anymore that we can sell?
43
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:56,537
Yes, but who'd want to buy
your toothbrush?
44
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:59,540
You're a big help.
It's like that old saying:
45
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:03,177
Behind every empty shell of a man
is one of your relatives.
46
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,179
Ready to take me driving, Daddy?
47
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,915
What is the big rush
about getting a license?
48
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,751
I mean, do you think
driving a car is glamorous?
49
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,487
Well, not as glamorous
as hitching with pervos...
50
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,790
- ...But I still wanna drive.
- Well, what about the bus?
51
00:04:16,991 --> 00:04:20,594
Yeah, great, crammed together
with a bunch of sweaty strangers...
52
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:25,699
...Who don't speak any English except
for, "Hey, blondie, look at this."
53
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,270
Daddy just doesn't wanna pay
the insurance, dear.
54
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:31,905
No, that's my pleasure, Peg.
55
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,708
Though my rates will skyrocket
because you're underage...
56
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:39,046
...And I'm paying a special rate
for the bumper car queen over here.
57
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:44,518
I know why you don't want me to drive,
and it's not the insurance.
58
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:49,823
Your little girl's growing up,
and you can't bear to let her go, huh?
59
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:55,462
No, it's the insurance.
60
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:59,333
- Take her out, Al.
- Yeah, take her out...
61
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,769
...Buy her clothes. She needs books.
62
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:05,606
Get her some medicine.
When will it all end?
63
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,741
Sure, I get one day off a week...
64
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:12,946
...And what do I wind up doing?
Spending it with my family. Oh, God!
65
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:19,286
Saturday, 11:00 p.m., make love.
66
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,923
11:05...
67
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,993
...Al goes to sleep.
68
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:31,331
11:06, finish making love.
69
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,838
Hi, Mom. If anything should happen to me...
70
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,607
...Don't believe that I jumped
in front of Kelly's car.
71
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:44,411
She's been telling me when she gets
her license, I'm car meat.
72
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,448
Oh, Bud, she's just teasing you.
73
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,984
The last time she teased me like that,
I woke up bald.
74
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:56,223
Well, yeah, but then
you got to be Kojak for Halloween.
75
00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:02,196
- Kelly's the worst driver in the world.
- Daddy got a ticket.
76
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:07,201
- Hi, Kelly.
- Hi, car meat.
77
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,604
- Mom...
- Go out and play, Bud.
78
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:14,108
Watch out for cars.
79
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,780
I can't believe this. "Let's have kids."
80
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:22,082
Now I get a ticket.
81
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,486
Driving with your shoes off, Al?
82
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:29,289
We got stopped for a busted taillight,
then he got another ticket...
83
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:31,525
...Because his license expired last month.
84
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:36,130
Oh, Al, that means
it was your birthday last month.
85
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,966
Happy birthday, honey.
86
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,902
You know what this means, Mom.
87
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,972
Dad has to take his driving test
with me tomorrow.
88
00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:47,407
Oh, Daddy's growing up so fast.
89
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,309
Oh, get away from me.
90
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:52,479
Just what I wanna do tomorrow,
spend the day at the DMV.
91
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:57,284
Eight hours in line, with a bunch of
foreigners who smell like vegetables.
92
00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,820
Naturally, I'll be in the wrong line.
93
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:04,224
My line will be the one where
they're barbecuing the Chihuahua.
94
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,862
Mom, Kelly parked on my skateboard.
95
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,864
Oh, did I?
96
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:14,067
Good thing you weren't on it, huh?
97
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,904
- Well, I'm gonna go study.
- Can I quiz you, Kel?
98
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,973
- Sure.
- Where were you last night?
99
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,178
Car meat.
100
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:28,649
What a day off, huh? Next thing you
know, Steve and Marcy will come over.
101
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:37,658
- Guess who.
- I give up.
102
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:40,127
Al, did you know your car
has a busted taillight?
103
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:43,597
And this is my family.
It's a great life, huh?
104
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:46,433
They could pull you over
and ticket you for that.
105
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:50,804
I think they just give you a warning.
Unless they really hate you.
106
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:54,441
- Get rid of them.
- Would you like some coffee?
107
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,310
Well, actually, we can't stay long.
108
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,580
We're going to the nursery
to pick up some petunia flats.
109
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:02,115
Real cool, Steve.
110
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:06,520
Well, it's not the John Wayne movie
your life is, but then again, what is?
111
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,922
Anyhow, your car is blocking our driveway.
112
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,525
I could probably get around it,
but why should I?
113
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,760
Good parking makes
good neighbours, right, Al?
114
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:18,232
You're not really gonna make me
move my car for five feet, are you?
115
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:21,768
Two feet, three inches, Al.
116
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:27,241
Gee, Al, that's about how far
your underwear lands from the hamper.
117
00:08:27,774 --> 00:08:31,411
Well, you say "I do," but you
don't really know what it means.
118
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,947
What are you guys doing?
119
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,883
Studying for my driving test.
120
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,684
Okay, Kel, here's another one.
121
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,653
Okay, walking down the street...
122
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:43,557
...An old man with a dollar
pulls up beside you.
123
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:47,661
You, A, ignore him and keep walking...
124
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:50,030
...B, call the police...
125
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:54,134
...Or C, do what you usually do?
126
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:02,276
Mom, can we get Bud
one of those reflective collars?
127
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:06,880
Like tiny little bull's-eyes in the night.
128
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:11,285
So you're finally getting
your license, huh?
129
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:15,222
You're gonna love it, Kelly.
Driving gives you real independence.
130
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,090
Yeah, I know what you mean.
131
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,992
You know, I was really getting sick...
132
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:22,963
...Of that "put out or get out" stuff,
you know?
133
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,400
Yes, that too...
134
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,504
...But you know, a woman
doesn't know true equality...
135
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:34,007
...Till she has the freedom
to come and go as she pleases.
136
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,743
And don't forget to flirt
with your driving instructor.
137
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:40,881
Then if he makes any advances,
you can sue him for sex discrimination.
138
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,483
How I envy you.
139
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,586
Hey, Steve?
140
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,822
You know that two feet, three inches?
141
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,758
Well, it was just big enough
that a cop spotted me...
142
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,728
...And gave me another ticket
for a broken taillight.
143
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,797
- Well, I warned you, Al.
- Yeah.
144
00:09:56,964 --> 00:10:00,500
You know, me and you
just have to go hunting one day.
145
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:04,638
Yeah. I'll get you
a pair of antlers to wear.
146
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,374
I thought we were going, Al.
147
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:10,043
We'll make a day of it.
148
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:14,047
Dad, are you sure you don't want
to study for your driving test?
149
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,517
- Driving test?
- Al got stopped earlier.
150
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:21,521
He'd let his license expire, so now
he has to take the test over again...
151
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:24,458
...And we know how well Al did in school.
152
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,461
He's a shoe salesman, you know.
153
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:31,932
I know what you're thinking, Steve,
but you can't have her, she's mine.
154
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,503
Till deer season.
155
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,607
These tests are brutal.
156
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,876
Here's one they'll never get me on again.
157
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,145
How many feet in advance
should you signal...
158
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,148
...Before turning in a business
or residential area?
159
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,883
Who cares?
160
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,919
A cop in one of those areas.
Come on, Al, take a guess.
161
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,588
Two feet, three inches.
162
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,123
At least 100 feet.
163
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,557
- Very good.
- Thank you.
164
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,593
Maybe you'd better study, Al.
165
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:03,330
I've been driving for 20 years.
I don't have to study.
166
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,832
I passed.
167
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,535
I failed.
168
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,275
Congratulations, Kelly.
I'm so proud of you.
169
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,544
Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.
170
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,881
I said, I failed my written test.
171
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:24,084
Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.
172
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:27,187
And, Mom, Dad got another ticket
for a broken taillight...
173
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,956
...And one for driving without a license.
174
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:34,294
Oh, I'm sorry, Al.
Now I'm proud of you.
175
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,164
Yeah. This is a great little town.
176
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,366
Neighbourhood's burning down, no cops.
177
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,201
Robberies every minute, no cops.
178
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,871
I start my car,
here comes the Bundy squad.
179
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,074
Daddy, this is so like you.
180
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,577
Here I've got this great news,
and you have to rain on my parade.
181
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,046
I mean, this is
the happiest day of my life.
182
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:57,250
Well, I'm just glad I could be
a small part of it, Pumpkin.
183
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:02,355
What are you so upset about, Al?
184
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,858
I don't have a license.
What does that mean?
185
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,761
A, better Christmas presents for everyone...
186
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,564
...B, the car will be roomier
with me not in it...
187
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:15,368
...Or C, the breadwinner can't drive
to work, so we'll all starve.
188
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:18,071
So there's no problem
with me using the car?
189
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,907
No, no. Go ahead. Take it.
190
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,844
Just don't get it dirty
because we'll be living in it soon.
191
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:25,412
Thanks, Dad.
192
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:28,648
Al, you can always
take the test again Monday.
193
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,985
You can make it one weekend without a car.
194
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:35,255
I gotta get to work tomorrow.
How am I gonna get there?
195
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:38,758
Between Kelly and me,
there will be no problem.
196
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,229
Well...
197
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:48,168
...A special thanks to everyone who
didn't get up today to drive me to work.
198
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:51,771
That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
199
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,644
Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow.
200
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:01,348
Today, I just get a ticket
for a broken taillight.
201
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,817
Peg, I can't believe this.
202
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:07,754
I got so many tickets, I don't have
any money left to bet on that horse.
203
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:12,792
There's no rush. I'm sure he'll still be
running when you get your license.
204
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,929
Yuk it up, Peg. Will you get me
some juice, honey?
205
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:21,835
I'm sorry, Al. We're all out, and I was
just too bored to go to the store.
206
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,137
Now I'm too tired.
207
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,706
- I'm going out.
- You gonna get me some juice?
208
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,042
No, I'm too busy.
209
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,577
Kelly.
210
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:34,181
Oh, get real, Dad.
Nobody drinks juice but you.
211
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,022
Dad, being without a license...
212
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:46,393
...Does it make you feel
like less than a man?
213
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,996
No, son, that's your mother's job.
214
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,971
Bud, there's this horse
that I wanna bet on.
215
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:01,508
How about lending me
a couple of bucks, pal?
216
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:10,450
No juice, no license, no horse...
217
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,719
...And thou.
218
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,257
Hi, Al. Saw you pedalling in from work.
219
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,993
You didn't study, did you, Al?
220
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,495
You know your bike's
got a broken taillight?
221
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:25,165
- Get lost, Steve.
- Right back at you.
222
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,668
Steve, wait a second!
I didn't recognize you.
223
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,671
Come on in.
224
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,708
- What do you want?
- Well, we're neighbours.
225
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,677
Can't two neighbours just sit and talk?
226
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:40,647
What do you wanna talk about?
227
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,784
How would you like
to increase your money 20-fold?
228
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:48,922
Already did. I bet you wouldn't
pass your driving test.
229
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,692
That's a good one. No.
230
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:56,363
I am the proud possessor
of some information...
231
00:14:56,529 --> 00:15:01,101
...That I could be persuaded
to sell to you for twe...
232
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,069
Fifty bucks.
233
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:06,273
Just what does the twe...fifty
bucks buy me, Al?
234
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:10,477
It's the biggest insider tip of all time.
It's on the stock market.
235
00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:12,846
Well...
236
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,781
...I'll give you 25.
237
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:18,585
Deal. I was only kidding.
It's really a horse.
238
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,421
- Give me my money back.
- He's coming in at 20-to-1.
239
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,591
It's better than stock,
where you just make two-to-1.
240
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:27,927
This is 20-to-1, Steve. It's 20-to-1.
241
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:31,264
His name is Dr. Footwear.
242
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,167
Get it? Dr. Footwear, see?
243
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,703
I sell shoes.
244
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:40,440
- Anyway, he's guaranteed to win.
- Nothing is guaranteed.
245
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,878
Wrong. As long as I live in this world,
I'm guaranteed to wallow in misery...
246
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,780
...But this horse is going to win.
247
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:51,184
All you have to do is take me down
there, and we'll both take limos home.
248
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:52,652
Well, what time is the race?
249
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,854
- Two o'clock. Pick me up at noon?
- No can do.
250
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:58,224
- Marcy and I are going to a baby shower.
- What?
251
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,627
It's the boss's daughter's baby, Al.
252
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,163
- So you can't take me to the track?
- No.
253
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,998
Get lost.
254
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:08,335
Well, enough male bonding.
255
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,337
I guess I'll...
256
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,539
...Drive over to the gas station.
257
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:16,743
I don't really need gas.
I just like to drive around.
258
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:22,048
So, what are you gonna do, Al,
pop a few wheelies in the living room?
259
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,686
Twenty-to-1, Steve!
Who needs you? I'll get there myself.
260
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:30,156
Twenty-to-1, that's 500 bucks.
261
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,793
The family can buy
a lot of nice stuff for 500 bucks.
262
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:36,930
Then again, so could I.
263
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,266
All right, everybody!
264
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:43,203
Announcement, announcement.
265
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:46,106
Today at 2:00, I have
a horse race at Arlington.
266
00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,574
I will be there.
267
00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:49,509
The only question before us is...
268
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,946
...Which one of you dependents
is going to take me?
269
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,648
Well, Al, all I have to do
is go for a manicure.
270
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,685
They're having a special,
11 for the price of ten...
271
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:01,888
- ...But I should be back in an hour.
- Kelly?
272
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:07,360
Well, two guys are fighting over me
down by the train tracks today.
273
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,364
You know, it really wouldn't look right
if I wasn't there...
274
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,366
...But I'll be back in plenty of time.
275
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:17,303
Good. Now, I'm going to say this slowly
so that you'll both understand.
276
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,340
It is very important
that we get to the track.
277
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:25,311
Promise me, promise me
that you will be back in time.
278
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:30,083
Al, if it's important to you,
we will both be here.
279
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,119
The horses
are approaching the starting gate.
280
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,357
Hi, Al. I knew you were home.
I saw your bike out front.
281
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,559
How come you're not at the track?
282
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,829
For the same reason
I'm not out with sleazy blonds.
283
00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:46,466
I'm married with children.
284
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:50,103
I wish I knew you were stuck here.
We left the baby shower early.
285
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,173
Her water broke,
and we headed for the hills.
286
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:57,243
We were by the track, so I figured,
what the hell. I put $100 on that horse.
287
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,512
That's the biggest bet I ever
made in my life.
288
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,848
Well, at least we can listen
to it together.
289
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,884
I gotta tell you,
I got warned off that bet.
290
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:07,320
Horse is going through
some personal problems...
291
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,689
...Getting married or something like that.
292
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,525
I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling kind of guilty.
293
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:16,095
I'll buy $25 of your bet
out of friendship.
294
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,598
Lick my shoe out of friendship.
295
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,066
And they're off!
296
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,501
Is that a "no," Steve?
297
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,137
Bailey Boy in the lead,
with Darling Kim second.
298
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,306
Mama's Problem third, then Satin Lover.
299
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:31,578
B Movie, Floridora, and Prince Harris.
Bringing up the rear, it's Dr. Footwear.
300
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:33,713
- I'm last?
- He's gonna win.
301
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,182
- He's last, Al.
- I didn't bet on him.
302
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:40,286
Into the first turn, it's Darling Kim,
Bailey Boy and Satin Lover.
303
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,388
Dr. Footwear is way behind.
304
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,225
- He's way behind.
- He's gonna win.
305
00:18:45,859 --> 00:18:49,262
No, he's not. Steve, give me $25
of your bet right now.
306
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:50,864
- What do you say?
- O--
307
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:53,166
Here comes Dr. Footwear on the outside!
308
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:56,536
- Lick my shoe, Al.
- He's making a tremendous move!
309
00:18:56,703 --> 00:19:00,073
Coming into the clubhouse turn,
it's Darling Kim, Satin Lover...
310
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,442
- ...And Dr. Footwear!
- Come on, Dr. Footwear!
311
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:05,578
Trip and die, Dr. Footwear!
312
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,213
They're in the home stretch!
313
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,616
Neck and neck,
it's Darling Kim and Dr. Footwear!
314
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:12,886
Dr. Footwear and Darling Kim.
At the finish line, it's...
315
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,655
...Darling Kim by a nose!
316
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,257
He did it! He did it!
317
00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:19,759
You lost, and I didn't!
318
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,596
Wait! The steward's inquiry light is on.
319
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,398
- He won.
- Forget it, Al.
320
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,166
They never disqualify a horse.
321
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,836
No, they don't,
but give me 25 bucks of the bet.
322
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:34,173
And they're taking down number eight.
Darling Kim is disqualified!
323
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:37,243
And the winner, paying 2290, is...
324
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,712
...Dr. Footwear!
325
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,048
Twenty-two hundred and 90 dollars.
326
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,983
I just won over two grand.
327
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,685
Al, I love you...
328
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,687
...And you owe me $25.
329
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:52,225
I can't wait to tell Marcy we can
invest in mutual bonds. Oh, man!
330
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,861
Peg, you got the greatest
husband in the world.
331
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:58,364
Why? What happened to Al?
332
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:03,670
Oh, hi, honey. I'm here.
Let's go to the track.
333
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:07,073
- Peg, what time is it?
- Five after 2:00.
334
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,908
You know what time the race was?
335
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:12,478
Two, but nothing ever starts on time.
336
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,348
Dad, you ready to go?
337
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,017
Family, sit down.
338
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:22,055
What I have to say
will be short and sweet.
339
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,091
You stink.
340
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,896
I left a knife fight just to hear that?
341
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,031
No, this too.
342
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:34,968
Right now,
your daddy's a little irritated...
343
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:40,640
...Because you cost your daddy
500 frigging dollars...
344
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,944
...But more important than that--
Not more important, but as important...
345
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,814
...You've shown me how little you care.
346
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:51,584
So tomorrow, when I go to get my license--
347
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:55,788
- Who's taking you, Dad?
- I'll crawl on my face.
348
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:02,962
And when I come home, your daddy
is not going to give you anything.
349
00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:06,532
Not a smile, no money, no food.
350
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,701
I won't lift a finger to help any of you...
351
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:13,906
...And I don't expect any of you
to lift a finger to help me.
352
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:16,676
From now on, we have a new Bundy rule.
353
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:20,013
Every man for himself.
354
00:21:23,549 --> 00:21:26,252
Yeah, Mom,
Al passed his driving test...
355
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:30,323
...And then the instructor
drove over his foot.
356
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:34,560
Yeah. Al's gonna be stuck
around the house for a while.
357
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:38,364
Drive? With that foot?
358
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:42,468
Oh, you're so right, Mom.
This is not gonna be easy for me.
359
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:47,473
What's that ringing?
That's just Al with his bell.
360
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:51,077
Daddy, you don't need the car, do you?
361
00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:58,051
- What, Al?
- Honey, can you get me a beer?
362
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:01,187
Hold on, Mom.
I gotta get something for Al.
363
00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:04,557
What? The garden is blooming?
364
00:22:04,724 --> 00:22:07,627
Tell me all about it.
365
00:22:08,428 --> 00:22:11,464
Don't you know
I'm sitting here in pain?
366
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:17,070
Hold on, Mom.
I gotta take this upstairs.
367
00:22:17,236 --> 00:22:21,641
I can't hear a thing.
Al, hang this up when I get upstairs.
30080
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