All language subtitles for MASH.S06E01a.Fade.Out.Fade.in.Part.1.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Waiting
for the Robert E. Lee?

No, sir.
It's Major Burns.

He was due back from R&R
at 2400 hours.

I sent out the daily report
and said he was back.

You've been here all night?

At 0400 I had to go
to the latrine.

So you took
the scenic route.

-Yes.
-Check his tent?

He could have come in

while you were sitting
with Batman and Robin.

No, I checked.

That's not like Burns.

He's a lousy surgeon
and a pain in the butt.

However, he's always
on time.

I know.
That's why I'm worried.

Relax. Cigar?

Won't it stunt my growth?

What have you got
to lose?

Is it habit-forming?

No, I've been smoking
five cigars a day

for 45 years.
Never got the habit.

That's good to know.

So far, so good.

When do I suck?

I'll let you know.

Now.

Couple more times.

There you go.

Nothing like a good cigar
on a bright, clear morning.

Or cream of wheat.

Shockowitz, give me a hand.

Hey, you're a medic.

Battalion aid station
got hit.

Crummy war.

All right.
Pre-op, and move it.

What a mess.

Some of these guys
get clobbered twice--

once on the line
and then again

three hours later
at the aid station.

Their lucky day.

Move him into pre-op.

Father?

So young.

They younger they get,
the older I get.

You're lucky, sergeant.
That's not too bad.

We'll have you out of here
in no time.

Hey, doc, can you
make it a little worse?

I don't want to go
back up there.

We'll see.
Maybe I can drop a stitch.

Medic.

Get him to pre-op,
start an I.V.,

and give him some plasma.

Hell of a time
for Burns to be late.

We can use every inept
surgeon we can get.

When is Margaret due back
from her honeymoon?

Two more days.

Superficial. Post-op.

I wish I was with her.

For crying out loud,
she's with her husband.

I wouldn't peek.

Sirs, one of the wounded
is a doctor.

Dr. Berman, I'm Dr. Pierce.

Don't waste your time,
Doctor.

We just met,
already he's kibitzing.

Right hemothorax,
full of blood.

Don't talk.

Pericardial tamponade,
full of blood.

We'll fix you up,
Doctor.

Fragment... near the heart.

You got a rabbi?

We've got a priest
who loves Al Jolson.

Get him.

Knock that off,
Berman.

Nobody dies around here
without my say-so.

Be careful.

POTTER: How's Berman?

I got a chest tube in.
He's still bleeding.

Can he travel to Seoul?

He may not even
make it to post-op.

Klinger.

What's the matter?

Snapped my garter belt.

Don't expect a Purple Heart.

Special case there.
We need a nice, slow ride.

There you go, Sarge.
Didn't even tingle,
did it?

You're gonna be fine.

Finished already, huh, doc?

Local anesthetic,
seven stitches.

Can't you find
anything else wrong?

You've got a hangnail,

but the manicurist doesn't
come in on Mondays. Klinger.

What am I, the only
medic in the shop?

You're loved, you fool.

Command me, O tall one
with the Presbyterian features.

Bed rest and ambulatory.

Bed rest and ambulatory.

Where the hell is Burns?

If we're lucky,
he deserted.

You don't suppose--

No, no, no, no.

What? What?

No, it's ludicrous.

Come on. What, what?

Well, Margaret's
on her honeymoon in Tokyo,

and Frank's late getting
back from Seoul.

You think Frank
went to Tokyo?

What could he do there?

Put saltpeter
in Penobscott's teryaki?

Klinger. This is crazy.

I got to get
on the horn to I-Corps.

See if we can trace Burns.
We need another surgeon.

Over there.

Just park it there.

Get my bag, corporal.

Major Houlihan,
is that you?

No, it's Amelia Earhart.
Who do you think it is?

You.

Oh, you dumb ninny.

How come you're back so
early from your honeymoon?

-You're not my father.
-No, ma'am.

I sure am glad
to see you, though.

We got a terrible
lot of wounded,

and Major Burns isn't
back from R&R yet.

He isn't?

All right, I'll get changed
and get right over.

Did you have
a good time?

Oh, stuff it.

That's nice.

-MASH 4077--
-POTTER: I got it, Radar.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Colonel Potter here.
Who's this?

I didn't know
you had it.

-I've got it.
-Yes, sir.
You certainly do, sir.

What was your name again,
Sergeant?

Sergeant Williams, sir.
Military police, I-Corps.

Do you have a Major
Frank Burns in your unit?

Medium build, beady eyes,
weak chin?

That's him.

He was involved in an incident
here in Seoul.

And our report says
that while drunk,

he accosted a blonde WAC.

Kept calling her Margaret.

Acted like
he was shampooing her hair

and then begged
to clip her toenails.

Ran off before
we could apprehend him.

Is he there, sir?

No, and he's long overdue.

Keep me posted, Sergeant.

Jackass Burns. Radar.

Yes, sir.
Is he on his way, sir?

On his way
to a Section 8.

He's down in Seoul
flipping his beanie.

Get hold of Colonel Baldwin
at Tokyo General.

Tell him we're desperate
for a surgeon.

I'll be in O.R. If my
legs get me that far.

I think you're tired,
Colonel.

You know, Radar,

you should have gone
to medical school.

Hello, Tokyo.

Hello, Tokyo?

Double pair, royal.

That's 121 points...

and the game.

Damn cribbage.

Ah-ah, Colonel,
for a brief moment

you thought you had me,
but I scooted away.

What's the damage,
Winchester?

Well, in round figures
you owe me $672.11.

Colonel,
I want to thank you

for teaching me
this game.

Colonel?

Colonel Baldwin here.

Yes?

I told you not to call me
when I'm in conference.

Oh, yeah,
that's Potter's outfit.

What did they want?

How long
do they need him?

It's impossible.

Colonel, I made a small error.

You owe me $672.17.

Ha ha ha ha!

It's possible.

Care to put your head
in the noose again?

I'd love to...

but you won't
have time.

For the next 48 hours,

you belong to a MASH unit
that's short a man.

MASH? That's one of those
traveling medicine shows,

-isn't it?
-Right.

Grab the next flight
to Seoul.

Get out to Colonel Potter
at the 4077th.

Why send your best doctor
into a war zone?

Relax. It's just like
two days here...

except for the artillery
and the snakes.

Better get moving, Winchester.

Surely you jest.

Surely you go.

We got a new surgeon
on the way--

a Major
Charles Emerson Winchester.

I knew a Winchester.

I knew an Emerson.

I got an uncle Charles.

At least we won't be
working with a stranger.

Put your finger
on that artery. Scalpel.

Major Houlihan.

B.J.:
Look who's here.

MULCAHY:
What a pleasant surprise.

Uh-oh, Lulu's
back in town.

Keep working, keep working.

I'll take over, Baker.
You look exhausted.

Mrs. Penobscott,
it's a pleasure

to have your finger
in my work again.

How come you're
back here so early?

Shouldn't you be wearing out
your "do not disturb" sign?

Heard you were busy.
More sponges!

Major,
heard you were back.

Baker, get back in here
and help the colonel!

Now I knowyou're back.

Tell us about
your honeymoon.

Just the dirty stuff.

Captains, please--

Mrs. Penobscott's
feelings.

That's what we want
to hear about.

Private Pacetti,
X-ray, hot off the press.

Gloriosky, Sandy,

do I behold the ravishing
Mrs. Penobscott?

Yes, Klinger, I'm back,
so get moving.

Yes, Major Houlihan.

Never heard of anybody coming
home early from a honeymoon.

They had to throw
a bucket of water
on me and the missus.

Did you have
a good time? Clamp.

Clamp. We need more suction.

If you don't want to tell
us about your honeymoon,
Margaret, I understand.

I appreciate that.

I hope you took pictures.

WINCHESTER:
What's happening?

DRIVER: The enemy,
sir-- mortars.

The enemy? Here?

Turn right, right!

Left! Left!

Follow me, sir.

Where?

Take cover.

When do they stop?

When they hit
something.

-Very comforting.
-Hit the dirt!

Good Lord,
what do we do now?

Sit tight, hold your breath,
and pray if you got them.

What about the jeep?

Don't worry about it, sir.

It's paid for.

Better stay put, Major.

Now we can go.

How?

A.T.

A.T.?

Alternate transportation.

You're on your own now, sir.

I'm going back
to headquarters.

Good luck to you.

Extra, extra,
read all about it.

Latest news
in the Stars and Stripes.

"U.S. Enters War in Korea."

Get your latest news
right here.

-Excuse me.
-It's a little shack
on the compound

marked "latrine."
immediate seating
in the mezzanine.

It isn't that.
I want to ask you something.

Go.

Are you a guy or a hairy
broad with a deep voice?

I'm all man, Clyde.
The clothes are a dodge.

A what?

If I keep wearing
women's clothes,

maybe they'll
give me a Section 8
and send me home.

Oh. How long
you been at this?

Two years April 22.

-It's not just a dodge.
-What do you mean?

If you've been dressing
like this for two years,

you area Section 8.

That's what I keep telling them.

Let me tell them.
I'm a lawyer.

Captain Schaeffer,
adjutant general branch.

I'm telling you,
I can get you a discharge.

Captain, if you can help,
I'm your slave.

No problem.

Oh, captain, my captain.

Set me free, and for
the rest of your life

I'll bring you
belly dancers--

their navels stuffed
with chopped liver.

120 over 80, sergeant.
You're perfect.

Hey, listen, Doc,

I'm sure there's something
inside that you missed, huh?

It hurts...
right about here.

Comes with the territory.

That's our
canned corn beef.

But, Doc, I don't
want to go back.

Can't say as I blame you.

Would you like to talk
to Father Mulcahy?

Okay, but I'm an atheist.

-Really?
-Swear to God.

Uh, let's check
Private Leland's chart.

How you feeling,
Doctor Berman?

Critical.

I know you've got
a chest tube in

and the lung's re-expanded.

I repaired the laceration
of the ventricle,

so there's a weak area
in the myocardium.

In other words,
a ventricular aneurysm.

Yeah, it looks that way.

So it's good night, nurse.

You just rest and stabilize.

And if necessary,
we'll tackle the aneurysm.

You doctors are all alike.

Did you tell him
about the aneurysm?

Yeah.

Going to try it?

None of us have ever
seen that operation.

What are you gonna do?

I think I'll hide
in the woods

till the war is over.

I got it.
You got it.

I know I've got it.

Potter here.

Yeah, Sergeant.

Oh, not Burns again.

He was on this bus,

and he sat down next
to a Red Cross lady.

He tried to bite off
her buttons.

He kept hollering,
"Margaret! Margaret!"

Is that his wife?

No, just a well-built ship
that crossed his wake.

Have you got him locked up?

Not exactly, sir.

You see, the lady screamed,
and the bus stopped,

and he jumped out the window.

Look, Sergeant,
do me a favor.

When you finally lasso him,
put him in a padded stall.

For your trouble.

Put this toward
some shock absorbers.

You staring at me, Corporal?

Oh, no, sir.
No, I'm sorry, sir.

It's just that we don't
get too many strangers
around here standing up.

Charming place.

An inflamed boil
on the buttocks of the world.

What isthat odor?

Uh, north wind--cesspool,
east wind--latrine.

The wind is from the south.

Oh, that's the kitchen.

Sir, are you the doctor
we've been waiting for?

It's quite likely.

Major Charles Emerson
Winchester-- surgeon.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly,
company clerk.

Uh, should I get
your bags, sir?

Of course.

Where will I find
your commanding officer?

In his commanding office.

Uh, this way.

Ooh!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Do you mind?

Not at all.

-Skoöal.
-Anita Ekberg.

Ingrid Bergman.

Sonja Henie.

Uh, sir, this is

Major Charles
Emerson, uh...

-Winchester.
-Winchester.

Radar, don't talk
with your hands full.

Welcome to MASH 4077,
Doctor.

Doctors Pierce,
Hunnicut.

-Hawkeye.
-Doctor.

-B.J.
-Doctor.

Major, you have no idea
how glad we are to see you.

This is our first break
in 36 hours. Have a snort.

Thank you, no.

Uh, got your papers,
Winchester?

Gee, what swell gloves.

Calf.

Oh.

Where you from, Charlie?

Charles.

Oh.

We're pretty informal
up here.

We get very close.

I don't intend to be here
long enough to get chummy.

I'll drink to that.

I'll join you.

Impressive, doctor.

Harvard Med,
Massachusetts General.

What were you doing
in Tokyo?

Demonstrating new
surgical techniques.

Up here, it's strictly
meatball surgery.

Patch them up
and get them out.

Huh, that's rather
primitive, isn't it?

We've got
a 98% survival rate, cowboy.

Charles.

No offense intended, Colonel.

Offense accepted, Major.

Ah, look, we're all
a little tired.

Let's not get off
on the wrong foot.

Doctor Berman is going
into heart failure.

-He can hardly breathe.
-Let's go.

Ventricular
aneurysm.

Why the panic?

Can you do anything
about it?

I've done
at least a dozen.

Successfully?

No offense
intended, Major.

Offense accepted.

Let's hang out
your shingle, Major.

CHARLES:
More light
on the heart.

More suction.

There's your aneurysm.

Now, the main difficulty
here, gentlemen,

is that the aneurysm
may have a clot in it.

If you don't do this
very carefully,

it could break off
and go to the brain.

Then it's goodbye, Charlie.

Sorry. Charles.

So that's how you do this--
you oversew the aneurysm.

Mm-hmm.

Good work, Remington.

Winchester.

Oh.

Still with us, Hunnicut?

100 over 70.

Beautiful, doctor.

Voilà.

We're ready
to close.

Fine work, doctor.

Considering
the circumstances,

I would say
extraordinary.

Major Winchester, sir,
may I ask a question?

You may.

Could I stop by sometime
for a cup of ego?

Wasn't that wonderful?

Such marvelous
technique.

The whole family
has gifted hands.

Mother's a concert pianist.

My dad can get an olive

out of the bottom of a jar
with one finger.

-And leave the pimento behind.
-Oh, yeah.

Frontline humor, I suppose--
crude and boorish.

You got to admit, though,

these jokers
will make you laugh.

Colonel, sir,
I got Major Burns
on the telephone.

-He's calling from Seoul.
-About time.

You coming, Margaret?

It's an obscene phone call.

Crude and boorish.

Crude and Boorish--
a great act.

He plucked chickens.

And she jumped through
an awning.

Burns?

Not so fast.

Yeah? Yeah.

-Uh-huh. You are?
-What's up?

I should have listened
on my own phone.

An opportunity missed
is an opportunity lost.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

A writer of note.

Writers of notes
get famous?

Please! I'm on
long distance.

Okay, Burns,
I'll take care of it.

Right, Major. Right.

The same to you.

What's the latest
on Burns?

This one's a doozy.

He saw an officer
and a blonde

walking down the main drag,
and in his state...

-Bombed?
-Boiled.

Mistook them
for Penobscott and Houlihan.

Well, this couple went
into a public bath,

stripped down,
and got in the water.

A man and a lady
in the same water?

Baptists.

Oh.

Frank jumps in with them,
still in uniform.

Wow.

Grabbed the woman
and started crying.

Suddenly he realizes

he's in the water
with the wrong couple.

Mrs. Kester hollered
bloody murder.

Wait a minute.

You mean brigadier general
and Mrs. Kester?

In the buff.

They're holding Burns
for psychiatric observation.

Perfect.

And then...

hang on to your skivvies.

He's being transferred
out of here.

Transferred?

Out of here?

Frank is being transferred?
You mean for good?

-That's right.
-Holy cow.

They can't do that to us.

There's so much more
we wanted to say to the fink.

-All of it rotten.
-Do you realize

this reduces the enemy
to just North Korea?

This calls for a toast.

You, too, Radar.
Special occasion.

Thank you, sir.

A toast.
What shall it be?

Something tender.

Something
sentimental.

Right.

Goodbye, ferret face.

Make him permanent
and it's a deal.

Good.

Oh, really?

I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there?

I was there,
but now I'm in person.

Where's Winchester?

He's getting ready to leave.

I want to talk
to him, pronto.