All language subtitles for Funny.or.Die.Presents.S02E04.720p.HDTV.x264-CTU

Just kill him!
(Groaning)

I'm trying.

All right, here we go.

(Both screaming)

(Screams)

You know what's
wrong with this country?

It's you.

Simply put, I am better than you.

It's the deer.
They're in on it.

I haven't been this confused since someone
switched my depends with pampers,

and I thought I'd turned
into Benjamin Button.

(Honking)

Sync by honeybunny
www.Addic7ed.Com

Oh! (Chuckles)
How'd that happen?

(Gasps)

Oh, miss Kettlespur here and I,
we were just looking for a plug.

You know, for the...

For the computer.
And her bra got caught.

You know, the usual situation
with a caught bra.

(Chuckles)

Miss Kettlespur, you can go now

and fix that bra that got
caught on the, uh, snag there.

She'll just...
She'll just go and take care of that.

Hello, I'm Ed Halligan, vice
president of Sales and Marketing

here at Funny or Die,
and welcome to another half-hour

of Funny or Die Presents.

It's another half-hour of completely
original short-form comedy

you can only see
right here on HBO.

Of course, that doesn't stop
some of you from asking,

"why would I watch it here, when I can
see it for free on the Internet?"

Well, you need
to shut the fuck up.

You can't see this on the
Internet, because it's not there.

It's only here on HBO, and
you haven't seen it before.

So shut it.

Now.

Here it comes.

Female narrator: Tonight,
on the Funny or Die network,

(sighs)

it's Gert,

Death Hunt, Part 1, starring Rob Riggle,
Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel.

Also, Dave Koechner's
men of unquiet desperation.

(Audience applauding)

Every year, my friends Johnson
and Thoos take me camping.

You know what I hate
about camping?

Everything. Especially
those carpenter ants.

"Oh, so you're a carpenter, huh?

"Well, why don't you
build me a house for camping?"

(Honks)

(Audience applauding)

Thoos, you are gonna
love this ragout.

This is an old family recipe.

It's from France, but I'm sure your people
don't know that much about French stuff.

It's special "gout."

It's gout.

What you say, Gert?

You're trying
to pronounce "ragout."

No, it's "gout."

It's spelled "gout,"
but it's pronounced "goo."

R-a-g-o-u-t.

(Gong sounding)

If that's how you spell "ragout,"

how come when you sign out for
e-mail, you don't "logout,"

or when a batter strikes out, he
doesn't run back to the "dugout,"

and when you're said,
you don't "pout"?

(Honks)

We have bigger fish to fry
than ragout, Johnson.

Did you see the trail back
to the car that Thoos laid?

It's all crumbs.

What are you talking
about, crumbs?

Thoos laid crumbs.
It's bear season.

He's gonna lead the bears
right to us.

Bears love crumbs,

that means I'm gonna be crumbcake!

(Air horn sounding)

(Yells)

Thoos, what are you doing?

He's scaring the bears away.

Bears don't like honks.
They think it's traffic.

(Honks)

This place is not safe.
We gotta go back to the car.

We can't go back to the car. Half the crumb
trail is eaten by now. Plus there's...

(Sounding)

(Stammering) It's...
It's rush hour.

It'd take eight hours to
get back to the city.

(Sounds weakly)

Gert, you're gonna be
in a bear's belly

and you're worried about traffic?

(Gong sounding)

I hate traffic.

Have you ever been on the
freeway at 5:00 P.M?

It's like asteroid traffic.

You know the traffic in movies when
everyone realizes the 'roid is coming?

Uh-uh. I'll take an asteroid in the
face before I'll get in that traffic.

(Honking)

(Audience applauding)

Oh, it's gonna be a long night!

(Gong sounding)

(Audience applauding)

Johnson and Gert:
♪ And that's how the boy went home ♪

(Gong sounding)

S'mores? How about some less.
I'm on a diet.

(Honks)

(Bear growling)

I got it. Let's make ghost
noise to scare the bears away.

I'll go first. Boo.

What? You two
got soft heads?

Let's do this
together. Boo.

Boo.

(Speaking foreign language)

I like it better when
Thoos doesn't speak.

His breath smells like drugs.

(Honks)

Boo.

Boo.
Horse.

Boo.

Boo!

Horse.
(Exclaims)

Beads!
Horse.

I'm good!
(Exclaims)

I'm good!
(Exclaims)

Horse.

G'boo.

I haven't been this confused since someone
switched my depends with pampers,

and I thought I'd turned
into Benjamin Button.

(Honks)

Horse.
Banana.

Thoos: Horse.
Let's make ghost noise to scare...

Horse.
Johnson: That's enough.

We don't even know if there's
any bears out there.

This is all based
on a crumb assumption.

Come on, Thoos,
we are out of here.

Every year you do this.
You're just afraid of the woods.

Oh, no, I'm not
afraid of the woods,

I'm afraid of the horns,
the crumbs, the bears.

Hey, Thoos, man,
what's the problem?

Let's bump, man!

(Growls)

(Screams)

Aah! The bear ate
my friend Thoos!

(Audience applauding)

(Audience laughing)

(Audience cheers)

(Audience continues laughing)

(Bell dings)

(Announcer reading)

(Toilet flushing)

Dude, the celestine prophecy
will fuck you up.

I read that, I had to be alone
for, like, three weeks.

Oh, my God!

I mean, we forget
how shit used to be.

There were people
who were just thinkers.

There were thinkers and
there were seers. Seers.

And now, who's even doing that?

No one. Seeing. Like, who's thinking?
Who's seeing?

Like, we're not taking
time to think or see.

No, I know.

I know. I read that during
hunter-gatherer times...

Mmm-hmm. ...
The people with add, that they were...

The knights, like,
the watch people,

and the, like, the sacred
protectors of all the...

Like, tribes.

That makes...
That makes sense. I know.

They give them a job, you know?

So, I guess I should just be, like,
free and run through the forest.

Did you really let Chris
finger you on Friday?

Yeah.

Which finger?

That's his favorite.

(Exhales)

Male narrator: Uh, now presenting
the world premiere

of a motion picture
(Clears throat)

produced specially
for Funny or Die,

the movie of the week.

Tonight's movie, Death Hunt.

(Fires)

(Rifle firing)

Did I get it?
Is it dead?

He'll die one day,
maybe a heart attack,

or deer ticks.
Maybe he'll get hit by a car.

Clay: (Laughing)
I gotta tell you guys,

I don't know how I feel about
killing God's creatures.

Will you please
shut the fuck up, man?

This is the one time of year
we get to see each other.

I flew everybody in just to
relax and kill some animals.

Lionel: Why can't we just
go back to Dollywood?

Clay: I had a lot of fun
at Dollywood.

You know what? A horse penis looks
exactly like what you'd think

a horse penis looks like,
okay? So can we drop it?

Clay: No, what are
you doing?

We gotta pray.
No, no.

(All protesting)
No, we're praying.

(Sighs deeply)

Hello, lord,
it's Clay, your favorite.

I want to thank you, lord, for this wonderful
bounty that you've bestowed upon us.

All: Amen.

And also, lord, I want to thank you
for this time with my friends.

All: Amen.
No, not yet.

Friends like Brad, here, lord,
thank you so much for Brad.

Thank you for blessing him with the
financial wealth that he enjoys

and the independence. But, lord, I also
ask that you help him with his sin.

Help him with
the sluts and whores

and the filthy garbage
that he hangs out with.

Okay.

Help him with the finger-fucking
and the asshole-fucking.

Help him with the
fornication and the sodomy.

Help him with the whores and the
shemale that did this to his face.

No, I cut myself shaving. I cut myself shaving.
Lionel: Shemale?

Clay: Brad, please?
I'm talking to God.

And also, to my friend Lionel!

Sweet Lionel.

Lord, I ask you to help him,

so that he can stop wetting
the bed like a total pussy.

That... that was
one time.

You're a grown man, Lionel.

It was at summer camp.
Help him, God.

And, lord, my veterenarian
friend, Terry. Terrence.

Terry.
Terrence.

Lord, help Terry understand the
difference between a real doctor

and someone who
does cattle abortions.

Why would I ever
do a cattle abortion?

Lord, finally, I want
to thank you for me.

Lionel: Come on.

For making me physically
superior to everybody here.

I am the best.
I know it.

All: Amen, amen.
Hold on.

Amen.
(Kisses)

Terrence: Amen.
That was a great prayer. Thank you.

Hey, Brad, everything cool here?

Yeah. (Tisks) Man,
these European razors.

Terrence: Buy American.

Check it out.
Take one, pass it around.

Clay: What are these?

Only the latest in campfire
grilling technology.

The pocket spit.

Just because we're living in the present,
doesn't mean we can't have the tools

of the future. Gervin.

Did you just slip your company's
slogan into casual conversation?

Actually, it's not
the official slogan,

but our company's giving us a $10,000
bonus if we come up with a new one, so...

Oh, check this one out.

Gervin backpacks,
light as a feather,

an eagle's feather.

Go America.
Go Gervin.

♪ Go-go-go Gervin ♪

Yeah, that's bad. Don't do that one.
It sucks. Not that one.

It's too long.

Gentlemen, hello!
All: Hello!

Huntin' some deer?
All: Yeah.

That's not a problem, is it?

The only problem I see is there
aren't enough deer carcasses around.

(All chuckling)

I'm not joking.

Shoot some fucking deer, men.

Uh, okay.

I'm sorry, did you need to see our
hunting licenses or something?

I don't care
if you have a license,

just as long as you have a gun,
and a healthy hatred of deer.

You really, uh, hate deer, huh?

Yeah, I do.

It all goes back to 9/11.

I was working the petting
zoo, deer section,

when I heard about what happened

with the airplanes
and the towers...

Yeah, we know.
(All agreeing)

Unfortunately, by then, it
was too late to do anything.

If I had known earlier I could
have made a difference.

I could have prevented it.

But you're a park ranger.
In Montana.

Yeah, it's not your fault.

I know.

It's the deer.
They're in on it.

In on what?

The conspiracy.
This goes deep.

But you city slickers
don't have a fuckin' clue.

Two words:
Sleeper cell.

(Screaming)

(All screaming)

(All yelling)

(Screaming hysterically)

Clay: Someone's
shooting at us!

Brad: No shit, retard.

No offense to retards.
Some of them are nice.

He thinks we're animals.

We're not animals! We're not animals!
We're not animals!

We're hunters!
We're hunters!

Oh! Holy shit, they shot Lionel.

I see that!

(Screams)

We gotta get out of here, man.

An arrow!
A fuckin' arrow!

You go get the guns and the
beer, I'm gonna get Lionel.

(Lionel continues screaming)

Lionel: They put an arrow
in my fuckin' hand!

Fuck you!
A fuckin' arrow!

You shot me with a fuckin'...

A fuckin' arrow!

Lord, make my feet
swift like the gazelle.

Clay: Brad, wait up.

Lionel's been hit.

Gotta keep moving.
Clay: I can't!

I think he might be dyin'!

Fuck him, he's always been dead weight.
Let's go.

What?
Let's go.

Lord, please take Lionel

into heaven and forgive
him for his sins.

I'm not dead.
He needs a doctor, not a priest.

I just saved his life.
Terrence: Did you?

You're not a doctor.
Yeah, I am,

but for animals.
Let me hear your heartbeat.

Only four of his five
chambers are working.

Humans only have four chambers.

Get it out!

Hey!
(Chuckling)

(Screams) Oh, God! Put it back in.
Put it back in.

Dogs don't normally
bleed this much.

(Shushing)
Shut up! Shut up!

What? Someone's coming
from over there.

Let's ambush him.
There's four of us and only one of him.

I don't know. The lord says we
should turn the other cheek.

Terrence: The lord never
had arrows shot at him.

You can turn the other cheek.
I'm gonna put this motherfucker down.

He's right.
When he comes over the hill

we'll get the jump on him.
It's our only chance.

Fire!

Fire!
(All yelling)

Terrence:
How are we missing?

Gervin copes never miss.

Shot through the heart,
and who's to blame?

Gervin scopes give all
other ones a bad name.

Shut the fuck up.
What, you don't like it?

Clay: He's the devil.

All right, we're sitting ducks up here.
We've gotta blow.

Follow me.

Come on!

(Thudding) (Bone breaking)

(Terrence screams)

Terrence: Oh, my God!

Clay: Terry, Terry!

Are you okay?

I broke what would be
on a horse its femur.

It's a femur on a person, too.

Then I broke my femur.

Tell us what to do to help you.

There's nothing you can do.

I'm a lame horse.

Go on, kill me.

What? No. No.
No. No, no.

Don't leave me to that maniac.
Don't leave me to that maniac.

Just kill me,
and save yourselves.

Kill me and save yourselves.

Let me do this, all right?
I'm closest to God.

I've got the longest
trip to hell.

Okay, how you gonna do it, Clay?

I'm gonna do it
like Cain to Abel,

with my hands.

Good night, friend.

(Both yelling)

(Neck cracks)

Ow, that hurt really bad!
(Shushing)

Shh. Here we go.
Goodbye, friend.

(Screaming)

Aah, that hurts!
That hurts!

(Shushing)

It... (Screaming)

What are you doing, man?
Just kill him. That hurts! My neck!

I'm trying!

All right. All right, here we go.

(Screaming)

You're not killing me! You're not killing me!
What's wrong with you?

Fuck it.
(Screams)

(Terrence babbling incoherently)

(Terrence screaming)
Oh, that hurts!

(Screams)

(Screams)

Hmm.

That good.

(Guitar rock music playing)

Welcome back to Juggalo News.

Now, for the latest in jacked-up,
psycho-ass financial advice,

we turn to stackin' dat cash,
with Shits Von Biggenheim.

Here's what I'm saying.
That's not the point.

Think about it.
That's a no-dealer.

Gotta make the move.
Come on!

Hey-oh, and welcome,
I'm Shits Von Biggenheim.

There's a lot of dope
investment opportunities

for y'all out there
to stick in your portfoles,

as long as you're not
a retard about it.

Give me a call toll-free
and I'll help your ass out.

Fugly p in council bluffs, Iowa,
you're on stackin' dat cash.

Hey, Shits, love the show.
Thanks so much.

I was wondering. I'm all broke and shit,
so what the fuck?

Well, if you are in
a financial hole,

you need to take stock
of how you got there.

For example, have you made any
loans to bitches recently?

Yeah, a few.
Okay, well, try the direct approach.

Just go to them and say, "give
me my fucking money, bitch."

I know you'll see
some returns real soon.

Homicyclops in Brownsville,
Texas, spit me some questions.

Hi, I'm thinking about starting a small
meth business.

Do you have
any advice?

That's a very smart move.
There's a lot of money in meth right now.

My only advice,
keep your overhead low,

and if you live with your
parents, lock up your lab.

G-zus Kryst of Stabzareth from
Barstow, California, hello.

Hey, Shits. You got mad love for
any auto stocks right now?

I don't know if
I'd call it mad love,

as long as these companies keep
pumping out these unreliable cars

that cater exclusively to fags.

But I am cautiously
optimistic about Fulkswagen.

They're about to drop
their Assblaze CS500.

Now, this is a mid-size
sedan, 60-inch wheels,

custom batwings, and
in-cabin faygo sprayers.

They're gonna sell
a dumpload of these bitches,

so I say cop that shit.

(Voice reading)

Well, that's gonna do it for
stackin' dat cash this week.

Hey, keep an eye out for my
new dating advice segment

tappin' dat ass.
I'm out, Butthorns.

Coming up next,
allegations of steroid abuse

among the East Detroit Dope Sox.

Plus, phats cockstrangla reports live
from the Gaza Strip, right after this.

Welcome back
to your lives, America.

You know what's wrong
with this country?

It's you.

Simply put, I am better than you.

Speaking of second-best,

Gerry Flesvig, my producer.

Come on, Flesvig.
Feed me, Flesvig.

Feed me.

All right, you're on the
air with Jack Prichard.

Man: Hey, Jack,
you're better than me.

Good, caller.

How can I improve your life?

I don't know what I know.

I want to matter but I can't.

I want friends.
I want people to like me.

I want to be pathetic.

Get your balls back, Steve.

You disgust me.

Someone probably owns you,
and you don't even know it.

This is Jack Prichard.

And you're welcome.

Great show, Jack.
So refreshing.

Really kicked my sack in.

The phone lines
are still blowing up.

Let's go out and celebrate, Flesvig.
Get our feed bag on.

Somewhere high-end.
You pick it.

Oh, Jack, uh...

It's all right, Flesvig.
I don't bite on the first date.

You've earned it.

My treat.
It's...

(Stammering) It's not that, um...

Some of us are going out
for Mike's birthday.

Would you like to come?

No.

(Inhales sharply)

(Breathing heavily)

Man: Thank you.
Happy 21st.

Oh! (Chuckles)
No, I wish. I wish.

Hey, guys, you ready to go out?

Mike: Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Cell phone rings)

Woman: (In singsong voice)
Let's do this.

(All laughing)

Oh!

Oh, good, Flesvig.

Stick around, I wanna go
over tomorrow's show.

Hey.

Don't eat until I come out.

(Spanking continues)

Well, that's the end of that.

I think we all know how the rest
of the night's gonna play out.

A few drinks
down at the lamplighter.

Some early hits on
women out of my league.

Some desperate groping in the
bathroom with the usual barfly.

Throwing up, blacking out,
and some time in detox.

But, I'll be back on my
feet again next week.

(Chuckles)

See ya then.

Sync by honeybunny
www.Addic7ed.Com