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1
00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:54,880
♪ America, I love you
2
00:00:54,924 --> 00:00:58,536
♪ You're like
a sweetheart of mine ♪
3
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,539
♪ From ocean to ocean
4
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:04,325
♪ For you my devotion
5
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:08,807
♪ Is touching
each boundary line ♪
6
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:13,595
♪ Just like
a little baby ♪
7
00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,641
HAWKEYE: Sound!
What's with the sound?
8
00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:18,121
TRAPPER: Hey, come on,
let's hear it!
9
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:20,080
Hey!
Hold your bloomers!
10
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:23,735
Draw me another martini.
11
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:25,737
MAN :
Attention, all personnel.
12
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:29,611
Seoul H.Q. reports that rain
is expected this evening.
13
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:34,094
A lot they know.
14
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,671
What's it about?
15
00:01:46,715 --> 00:01:49,805
This girl
goes to the big city
and loses her voice.
16
00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:54,723
Care for a martini?
17
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:56,290
I had an apple
in my tent.
18
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,161
You really know
how to live.
19
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,686
Klinger, what
about the sound?
20
00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:10,521
You ask for sound
and you get water.
21
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,001
That's show business.
22
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,570
Sure you don't
want a martini?
23
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,137
Does it mix
with apples?
24
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,574
-Was Lincoln a car?
-Maybe a sip.
25
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:22,794
Ohh.
26
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,796
Nutritious and
character-building.
27
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,147
♪ And there's a hundred
million others like me ♪
28
00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:37,287
♪ Like me
29
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,510
-What is this?
-Come on!
30
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:43,859
Come on, would ya?
31
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,560
-Listen--
-Let's blow.
32
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:51,519
Wait till the
crowd thins out.
33
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,477
It'll be easier
to get a cab.
34
00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:54,783
The evening
is still young.
35
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,045
You got any plans,
Lieutenant?
36
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:57,351
I'm going
straight to bed.
37
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,917
The best offer
I've had all night.
38
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,397
Bye-bye.
39
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:04,488
An apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
40
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,972
It's 8:30. It's pouring.
41
00:03:10,015 --> 00:03:11,713
No movie.
42
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:13,149
No soft personnel.
43
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:19,199
I'd rather be down in Seoul
hearing Henry's lecture.
44
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:23,333
Colonel Blake reviews
the military position
on the hemorrhoid?
45
00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,074
I'd rather be here.
46
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:27,816
Sitting on my own.
47
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:32,516
I'm gonna get in trouble
for this, sir.
48
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,997
Captain McIntyre and Pierce are
gonna kill me.
49
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,216
I'm in command until
Colonel Blake's absence
50
00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:39,219
is replaced
with his presence.
51
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,786
That still
is coming down.
52
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:44,224
Captain Pierce calls it
his "Wellspring of life."
53
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:47,052
Oh, that's just something
he read in Cosmopolitan.
54
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:49,925
What the hell's
goin' on?
55
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,709
He's takin'
apart the still!
56
00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:53,755
Are you bonkers, Frank?
What for?
57
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:56,105
Don't you use
that tone with me!
58
00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:57,802
Ah, sir,
may I be excused?
59
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,761
I think I'm
getting a sty.
60
00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,806
Yes, yes,
you little coward!
61
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,725
He made me, uh-- I--
62
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,817
HAWKEYE:
Is it broken?
63
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:14,863
Testing, one, two, three.
64
00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:18,519
Ahh! Nectar of the gods.
65
00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,350
Mother's milk.
66
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,439
You two
are alcoholics.
67
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,919
Hopeless,
elbow-bending boozers.
68
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,791
In your ear.
69
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,445
Oh, yeah, boy?
70
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:36,319
"From the Deputy Assistant
Undersecretary of Defense
71
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,843
"on drug and alcohol abuse.
72
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:42,325
"Surveys have shown
that 57.230
73
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:45,415
"of all military personnel
in the Asian Theater
74
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,069
"have a drinking problem."
75
00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:49,767
We do not have
a drinking problem.
76
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,856
-Right, Smedley?
-Righto.
77
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,989
Well, they've
enclosed a test.
78
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,599
Do you think there's
too much vermouth in this?
79
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:57,514
Not for me.
It's a little more ginny
80
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:59,037
than the last batch,
though.
81
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:01,039
Mmm. Maybe, maybe.
82
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,303
FRANK: First question:
83
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:06,697
"Do you think and talk
about drinking often?"
84
00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:08,351
-No, of course not.
-Hell no.
85
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,353
I see what you mean
about the gin.
86
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:12,616
"Do you sometimes
gulp drinks?"
87
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,968
Ahh. Never.
88
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:18,143
"Do you sometimes
forget what happened
89
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:19,536
while you
were drinking?"
90
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:20,494
What?
91
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:25,020
Question number three:
"Do you sometimes forget
92
00:05:25,063 --> 00:05:26,848
what happened while
you were drinking?"
93
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,937
What happened to
question number two?
94
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,199
He forgot it.
95
00:05:30,242 --> 00:05:31,940
He forgets
while we drink.
96
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,986
The answer to question
number three is no.
97
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,641
There's just no
question.
98
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:40,514
You're alcoholics.
You drink constantly.
99
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:42,951
All right, we drink.
100
00:05:42,994 --> 00:05:44,300
We drink so we
can get through
101
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,389
these lousy, stinking,
48-hour days.
102
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,391
We're cold,
filthy, lonely.
103
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:49,740
Scared, bored, tired.
104
00:05:49,784 --> 00:05:51,394
Frightened
and very drowsy.
105
00:05:51,438 --> 00:05:53,048
And on top of that,
106
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,790
Alice Faye goes
to the big city
and loses her voice.
107
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,618
-She didn't.
-Yeah!
108
00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,837
We need a drink.
109
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:03,014
I don't give one
whit about your
personal problems.
110
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:05,669
I hereby declare
this unit dry.
111
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:06,975
Total prohibition!
112
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,064
And that is an
official order!
113
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:15,200
Boy, when you
make it official,
you make it official.
114
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:31,129
Amen.
115
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,186
Nice service, Father.
116
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:47,624
Ah, Klinger, I don't know
what I'd do without you.
117
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:50,366
You're the only one who ever
comes to Sunday services.
118
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,281
You're a highly religious man.
119
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,804
I'm really an atheist,
120
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:56,111
but it gives me a chance
to wear my white gloves.
121
00:06:57,765 --> 00:06:59,984
How's your Section Eight
coming along?
122
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:02,160
I don't think
the dresses are working.
123
00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:05,163
I may have to re-enlist
to prove I'm crazy.
124
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,602
Father, we got a problem.
125
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,299
Frank Burns pulled down
our still and hid it.
126
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:11,909
While we were
in surgery.
127
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,433
Ain't you gonna say
anything about my outfit?
128
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:14,608
Later.
129
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,479
Say something nice
about his gloves.
130
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:17,828
-Huh?
-His gloves.
131
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:20,352
Oh. Uh, I love
your gloves, Kllinger.
132
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,050
Sears catalog.
133
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,530
They were having
a white sale.
134
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,314
You trace your hands
on a piece of paper
135
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:26,576
to give them
your right size.
136
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:27,969
However, if you want
the black ones,
137
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:29,361
which aren't
on the white sale--
138
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:30,754
You really don't care,
do you?
139
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,019
I'm sorry your still
is broken, Hawkeye.
140
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,282
Did you want to pray
for it or anything?
141
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:39,371
Father, what we wanted
was a drink.
142
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:41,199
We've been in
the O.R. all night.
143
00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:43,506
We operated on everything
but each other.
144
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,421
You got some sacramental
wine, Father?
145
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,510
Well, yes, I have.
146
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,295
But the drinking of it is
part of a religious service.
147
00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:51,645
You have to be a priest.
148
00:07:51,688 --> 00:07:53,081
Ordain us.
149
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,517
There isn't time for that.
150
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:57,302
My confession alone
would take a year.
151
00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:59,566
I'm sorry I can't help you.
152
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,263
You'll have to excuse me.
153
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:03,744
It's time for 11:00
Protestant services.
154
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:06,224
Do you want
to pray for booze?
155
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:07,748
I'll try anything.
156
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,533
Oh. Well, how nice.
157
00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:11,969
Go ahead, Father.
158
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:13,101
Ahem.
159
00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,323
My friends,
160
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,238
let's
open our service today
161
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:25,243
by singing Hymn 216
on page 50 of your green book.
162
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:33,208
♪ All things bright
and beautiful ♪
163
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:37,604
♪ All creatures
great and small ♪
164
00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,214
It's true, Margaret.
165
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:40,911
Leadership is
a lonely thing,
166
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,610
but the satisfactions
are overwhelming.
167
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:46,438
Oh, Frank, every day
you remind me
168
00:08:46,482 --> 00:08:48,049
more and more of Dad.
169
00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:49,616
The colonel?
170
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:53,750
Your natural leadership,
the receding hairline,
171
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:56,318
those two warts
on your back.
172
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:58,581
I could've gotten an
appointment to West Point,
173
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,105
but my congressman
was a Lithuanian.
174
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,933
Foreign.
175
00:09:02,977 --> 00:09:04,413
Help me a minute.
176
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:11,376
-What?
177
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:15,119
You should've seen
those hooch hounds
178
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,599
Pierce and McIntyre
179
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,122
when I outlawed
alcohol on this post.
180
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,603
Hmph!
They were furious
181
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:23,258
when I took away
their glug-glug.
182
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:26,043
You... deactivated
their still?
183
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,915
-And mothballed it.
-And outlawed--
184
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:30,352
And they claim
they're not alcoholics.
185
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:35,052
These childish, silly
reasons for their drinking.
186
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,707
"I'm cold, I'm bored,
I'm frightened."
187
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:40,971
Frank?
188
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,671
Darling.
189
00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:46,716
I have a confession
to make.
190
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:52,592
Margaret!
191
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,332
It's an heirloom given
to Mother by Father
192
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,551
on their bridal night.
193
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,815
"To my buttercup
from Alvin.
194
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:01,426
"The best things are
worth waiting for.
195
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:03,124
Bottoms up."
196
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,430
Well, it's very nice
to carry fruit juice,
197
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:07,345
lemonade, whatever.
198
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:10,261
Frank, I carry brandy.
199
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,785
I didn't hear that!
200
00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:13,700
Sometimes I can't
make it without it.
201
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:16,050
I'm cold
and frightened, too.
202
00:10:16,093 --> 00:10:19,009
My baby.
203
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:22,099
Don't take away
my little "nippy" bottle.
204
00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:25,320
It's only got
a drop or two in it.
205
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:26,974
It's all right, darling.
206
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:30,412
In-- In your case,
it's nerve medicine.
207
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,242
-Oh, shoot.
208
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:40,074
What is it, Coropral?
209
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,206
Uh, uh, the, uh...
210
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,643
Well? What is it?
211
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,819
The daily report
needs to be signed, sir.
212
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:46,950
Ohh.
213
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:53,435
I didn't see anything
unusual, sir.
214
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:12,976
Come on, come on,
fingers.
215
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,717
I'm trying to find
the right key.
216
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,023
That looks right.
217
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,415
My wife's car.
218
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:20,462
What are you doing
with it over here?
219
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,377
She's a lousy driver.
220
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,422
What's that for,
her chastity belt?
221
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:27,164
-Get off it.
-Well, you won't
let her drive.
222
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,604
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.
223
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:35,346
Lousy Frank's hidden
every drop in the camp.
224
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:36,434
He's a fink, Frank.
225
00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,741
A frink is what he is.
226
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,569
But we'll get around him,
227
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,310
or my name's not
whatever my name is.
228
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,573
Potassium
permanganate. Huh.
229
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:47,489
It'll kill you, but
you won't have fungus
of the stomach.
230
00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,012
I need the real thing.
231
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:23,873
How about a little
light, Margaret?
232
00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:25,919
Don't wanna
strain your eyes.
233
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:28,791
Uh... I was just...
234
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:31,620
checking... supplies.
235
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:34,449
-A tireless worker.
-A beautiful soul.
236
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,581
You're the woman
my mother always
hoped I'd be.
237
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,496
Give us a shot,
Margaret.
238
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,194
Shot?
239
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:43,763
This is just...
medicine.
240
00:12:43,806 --> 00:12:46,200
Tell us what it is.
We'll get the disease.
241
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,904
Well, that makes it 100%.
242
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:56,601
This place
is now bone dry.
243
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:57,777
Yes, sir.
244
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:03,521
The, uh, men detest me,
don't they?
245
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:04,958
Oh, no, sir.
246
00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:06,133
Oh, you can
tell the truth.
247
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:07,699
They hate me,
don't they?
248
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,527
Just your guts, sir.
249
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:11,181
Well, this is
for their own good.
250
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,009
They don't have
to love me.
251
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:15,316
Well, I'm sure
they'll be very happy
to hear that, Major.
252
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,754
You don't have to stand
there talking to me.
253
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:19,973
Go to sleep.
254
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:22,932
I can do both
at the same time.
255
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,760
Good night, Corporal.
256
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,893
Good night, uh, sir.
257
00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:30,070
♪ I wish there were
a radio way up in heaven ♪
258
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:33,073
♪ So I could say hello
to Mother every day ♪
259
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,075
I didn't know
you could sing.
260
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,859
Was I singing?
I thought I was dancing.
261
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,434
What the devil's
going on in here?
262
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,784
Frank, baby!
263
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,525
♪ Come on in,
take off your skin ♪
264
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,266
♪ And rattle around
in your bones ♪
265
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:53,963
♪ Come on in,
take off your skin ♪
266
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:55,443
♪ And rattle around--
267
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,097
♪Rattle around
in your bones ♪
268
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,231
-Major Houlihan!
-Whoop!
269
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,886
This really cuts me
to the quick!
270
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,409
That's quite
all right.
271
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,498
His quick could
use some cutting.
272
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:10,893
Well, let me
have that.
273
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,462
Where did this
liquor come from?
274
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,856
Oh, shh! It's a secret.
275
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,248
Yeah, don't tell anybody.
276
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:19,684
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't tell anyone.
277
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:21,991
As your commanding
officer, I insist!
278
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,340
Shh!
279
00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:24,951
Okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
280
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,651
You take eleven
string beans, one onion,
281
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:33,611
half a radish,
and four "banamas."
282
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,442
You mix it all up,
and you, uh,
283
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:41,402
and you let it, uh,
soak for, uh, six weeks.
284
00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:42,882
HAWKEYE: Days.
285
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,187
Days.
286
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,581
You-You better
write this down.
287
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:49,758
Then you look
around and you find
the tallest tree,
288
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:52,761
and you hang the stuff
in an "emena" bag.
289
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,983
And you let it lay
there for 18 weeks.
290
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,201
-TRAPPER: Days.
-Days.
291
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,991
-That tears it!
292
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,383
From now on, anyone--
293
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:07,819
anyone caught
294
00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:09,691
with any kind of
intoxicating beverage
295
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,301
will be severely
disciplined!
296
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,477
-Oh, no-no one!
297
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,957
Well, we'll
drink to that!
298
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:17,917
All right--
Oh, boy.
299
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,661
Who was that?
300
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,018
Have you ever given a lecture
on temperance, Father?
301
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:33,671
On the evils of drink?
302
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:36,022
Well, no, I haven't.
303
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,893
But on the
troop ship,
304
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:41,592
I was asked to
give a lecture on,
uh, the sex thing.
305
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:42,811
Good!
306
00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:44,639
Well, being celibate,
307
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:46,380
I didn't feel qualified.
308
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:48,599
They called in
a Protestant.
309
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:52,952
He had a film...
about two sailors.
310
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:56,259
One was from
Cleveland, ostensibly,
311
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:59,610
and the other from
a small rural area.
312
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:02,048
The city boy decided
to stay on his ship
313
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:04,224
and write his
high school sweetheart.
314
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:07,618
Lovely young girl, with
a megaphone on her chest.
315
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:09,794
Father, please,
this is important.
316
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:12,014
The country boy
got mixed up with
a young lady
317
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:15,757
who lived in
a trailer with three
other young ladies
318
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,498
and a man with a whip.
319
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:19,935
Father--
320
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:23,156
Broke his wristwatch
and everything.
321
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:24,635
Father Mulcahy.
322
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,246
Ahem.
323
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:30,815
I need a fire-and-brimstone
lecture on the evils of drink.
324
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:32,078
Can you do it?
325
00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:34,254
Well, I'm sure I can.
326
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:37,387
But no one ever comes
to any of my services,
327
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,346
so I'm not very magnetic.
328
00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:41,478
Oh, they'll be there.
329
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:44,438
It'll be a general order.
No one will be excused.
330
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:47,702
Well, I'll try, sir.
331
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,530
I won't be alone.
332
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,576
He'll be by my side.
333
00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:56,798
If He only had a film.
334
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:04,110
Move your thumb and put
a retractor here instead.
335
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,546
I don't have
three hands.
336
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:06,982
Ask a nurse to do it,
Doctor.
337
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,592
More suction.
338
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:11,856
If I want more suction,
I'll ask for more suction.
339
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,728
More suction.
340
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:15,904
That boy
was full of shrapnel.
341
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:18,428
You're kidding. I thought
he swallowed the egg money.
342
00:17:18,472 --> 00:17:19,951
You did a good job,
Doctor.
343
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:21,736
Who asked you?
344
00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:24,608
Dr. Schweitzer's in a hurry
for his organ lesson.
345
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:31,441
I'm not worthy of you,
Frank.
346
00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:34,140
You try, Margaret.
That's what counts.
347
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:37,404
I'm willing to forgive.
I'm willing to forget
348
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:40,450
because it's something
I'll always remember.
349
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,017
Oh, Frank.
350
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,672
You're so above average.
351
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:47,849
MAN :
Attention!
352
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:50,199
Father Mulcahy's
temperance lecture
353
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:52,245
is scheduled
for 13:00 hours.
354
00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:54,247
No personnel
will be exempted,
355
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:56,423
by order of
Major Frank Burns,
356
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,381
temporary commander
and surgeon.
357
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,818
This is one personnel
that's not goin'.
358
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,125
The instrument has
yet to be invented
359
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,214
which can measure
my indifference
to that remark.
360
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:08,130
You use my razor?
361
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:11,264
I've had several complaints
about my armpits.
362
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:15,442
You've got "Field and
Stream" mixed in with
my Joys of Nudity.
363
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:16,399
Big deal.
364
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,273
I'd rather see
a naked girl than a canoe
365
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,623
built in
a dentist's garage.
366
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:25,147
This blade is dull.
367
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,193
Well, if the blade fits.
368
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,412
Always a shot,
always the needle.
369
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,980
Mr. Glib,
never at a loss for words.
370
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:34,156
Run up an alley
and holler "fish."
371
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,158
Oh, clever.
Very clever.
372
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,203
Aah!
373
00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:39,901
"Field and Stream"?
374
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,598
How can you read this stuff?
375
00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,034
Listen, I'm so bored,
376
00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:44,906
I'm rereading
my draft notices.
377
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:47,952
"How to Wrap a Grizzly
Bear for Mailing."
378
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:50,303
You used my towel.
379
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:51,826
I left a quarter.
380
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:53,915
"Popular Mechanics"?
381
00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:55,221
Save that.
382
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:57,223
I'm making a lamp
out of a lawn mower.
383
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:01,314
You know somethin'?
384
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:04,404
You're a slob.
A slob! A real slob!
385
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:06,057
-I'm a slob?
-Yeah!
386
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:07,755
Whose toenails are
always under my bed
387
00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:09,191
with nobody in 'em?
388
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,845
So they jump
when I cut 'em.
389
00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:12,586
Point your feet
out the door.
390
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:25,903
You don't suppose it's true?
391
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,732
-What true?
-That we're alcoholics.
392
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:32,388
If I thought that,
I'd rent myself out
to a firing squad.
393
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:34,216
Right. Very good.
394
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:36,784
I can take it or leave it.
395
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:39,178
Then why are you afraid
to go to the lecture?
396
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,528
-Five bucks.
-Deal.
397
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,836
After you used
that filthy towel?
398
00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:52,452
KLINGER: It's really
filling up, Father.
399
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:55,759
Already?
I can't believe it.
400
00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:59,328
Oh, sweet Mary.
401
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:01,200
I've never had an
audience this size.
402
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,289
You're shaking, Father.
403
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:06,292
Well, drinking is
not my best subject.
404
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:08,990
"Turning the Other Cheek,"
"The Prodigal Son."
405
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:11,862
Oh, I'm better
with the standards.
406
00:20:11,906 --> 00:20:13,995
Father, maybe
a little bracer?
407
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,126
Somethin'
to calm you down?
408
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:16,476
You have anything
around here?
409
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,826
Oh, in my desk...
410
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,959
there's a bottle
of some sorts, I think.
411
00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:26,399
The gift
of a young marine.
412
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:31,317
A thank you for a very
successful confession.
413
00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:34,320
This'll get you there.
414
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:35,843
And back.
415
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:42,371
Frank, what a turnout.
416
00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:44,591
Lemmings must be
directed to the sea.
417
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:45,896
You're magic
with a phrase.
418
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:50,292
Winston Churchill said
419
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,729
men can move mountains
with words.
420
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,340
His mother was American,
you know.
421
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:56,342
Well, so was mine.
422
00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,084
Frank, look at the door.
423
00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,569
How about sucking
in your shoulders?
424
00:21:06,613 --> 00:21:08,005
Pardon my build.
425
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:10,486
RADAR: Hi.
426
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:13,489
Move your keister.
427
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,276
Couldn't just
slide over, huh?
428
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,581
Go mail a bear.
429
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,805
Sound!
Where's the sound?
430
00:21:24,848 --> 00:21:26,110
Will you move over?
431
00:21:26,154 --> 00:21:27,547
Lard butt.
432
00:21:37,121 --> 00:21:38,949
Excuse me.
433
00:21:38,993 --> 00:21:41,300
Better be good, Father.
Ziegfeld's out front.
434
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,440
Ahem.
435
00:21:55,270 --> 00:22:00,231
My friends, let me quote
from Leviticus 10.
436
00:22:02,669 --> 00:22:06,803
"Do not drink wine
or strong drink, thou,
437
00:22:06,847 --> 00:22:09,632
"nor thy sons with thee
438
00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:13,027
"when ye go into
the tabernacle of
the congregation,
439
00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:15,334
lest ye die." Ahem.
440
00:22:15,377 --> 00:22:19,381
"It shall be a statute
forever throughout
your generations."
441
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:23,777
My friends, the Lord
said this to Aaron
442
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:28,085
after the passing away
of his beloved sons
443
00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:30,131
Nadab and Abi'hu.
444
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:40,141
It's rather warm in here.
445
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:43,536
Radar, would you open one
of the stained glass windows?
446
00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:55,069
My friends...
447
00:22:56,592 --> 00:23:01,031
let me quote...
Leviticus 10.
448
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:08,735
"Do not drink wine
or strong drink, thou,
449
00:23:08,778 --> 00:23:10,737
nor thy sons with thee."
450
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:12,782
-We saw this.
-Shh.
451
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:15,742
Friends, let me
tell you something,
452
00:23:15,785 --> 00:23:18,571
however compulsory it may be.
453
00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:23,010
There's no film.
454
00:23:24,838 --> 00:23:27,101
I am live.
455
00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:31,235
Now back to where we were
when you last heard from me.
456
00:23:31,279 --> 00:23:35,414
It was with Leviticus
on the tenth, I believe.
457
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,201
"Drink thee not...
458
00:23:41,985 --> 00:23:45,032
"nor thee, thou sons...
459
00:23:45,075 --> 00:23:46,860
lest ye die..."
460
00:23:48,383 --> 00:23:51,691
"Nor congregate at
the corner tabernacle."
461
00:23:51,734 --> 00:23:55,434
I'd like to take
a short sabbatical...
462
00:23:57,653 --> 00:23:59,176
or a cup of coffee.
463
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:05,618
Or I wonder, is there
a doctor in the tent?
464
00:24:05,661 --> 00:24:07,489
-Father, are you all right?
-Ow-ow!
465
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:08,795
Get your big feet
out of the way!
466
00:24:08,838 --> 00:24:09,970
My big feet?
467
00:24:10,013 --> 00:24:11,798
Please don't rise.
468
00:24:13,887 --> 00:24:14,975
Ow!
469
00:24:15,018 --> 00:24:17,064
Frank stepped
on my foot.
470
00:24:31,557 --> 00:24:33,080
That's it, everybody.
471
00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:34,560
The 18th Amendment
has been repealed!
472
00:24:39,956 --> 00:24:42,002
Have I ever told you folks
473
00:24:42,045 --> 00:24:44,178
the one about
the prodigal son?
474
00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:52,186
Okay. Cut that.
475
00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:53,448
Retraction.
476
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,319
-Suction, please.
-Yes, Doctor.
477
00:24:56,669 --> 00:24:57,757
Very nice,
478
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,715
Very neat.
479
00:24:59,759 --> 00:25:02,196
Thank you, Doctor.
480
00:25:02,239 --> 00:25:04,111
Pierce, McIntyre?
481
00:25:04,154 --> 00:25:06,200
-Yo?
-We're still here, Frank.
482
00:25:06,243 --> 00:25:07,680
Now tell the truth.
483
00:25:07,723 --> 00:25:09,595
Don't you feel better
for drinking less?
484
00:25:09,638 --> 00:25:11,248
Absolutely.
485
00:25:11,292 --> 00:25:12,989
My skin is clear,
my eyes are bright,
486
00:25:13,033 --> 00:25:14,556
my tummy loves me again.
487
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,690
Good. Now just
remember, moderation.
488
00:25:17,733 --> 00:25:19,256
No more secret drinking.
489
00:25:20,344 --> 00:25:21,824
Right.
490
00:25:21,868 --> 00:25:23,130
Have you made
the incision, Doctor?
491
00:25:23,173 --> 00:25:24,218
Yep.
492
00:25:24,261 --> 00:25:25,959
Nurse, two straws, please.
34019
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