All language subtitles for MASH.S03E06.Springtime.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Doctor, do you want me
to hold that for you?

TRAPPER: Okay.
MARGARET: Sponge.

Frank, not bad.

-HAWKEYE: We need
some suction here.
-NURSE: Suction.

Clean that out.
I can't see it well.

And a small
favor, Margaret?

Could you run your body
over my neck, please?

Hemostat, Doctor.

And some disability pay
from the army.

Or a pair of
corrective shoulders
for terminal stoop.

FRANK:
Oh, cut the cackle, huh?
It's getting on my nerves.

As soon as I'm finished, Frank,
I'll remove him for you.

Well, one would think you'd
have a little consideration.

I've been up for
32 hours, you know.

I've sent for
some coffee, sir.

Oh, you're a doll person.

After the war, I'm having
a bust made of your head.

Or possibly
the other way around.

Chest wound, Doctor.
Marine. Just came in.

Take over here,
will you, Phil?

Is this guy continued
on the next table?

Check the I.V.

Carotid artery.
Gimme some pressure here.

Vascular clamps.

All right,
let's prep him.

Look at the size
of that chest.

You oughta see
his mother.

Am I gonna make it, Doc?

I don't know how
to tell you this,

but you're gonna live.

Even though you might
break our blood bank.

You can level
with me, Doc.

I know
it's curtain time.

Only until we meet again.

All right,
now take a deep breath,

and we'll get you some
stationery so you won't

have to write home on
your chest anymore.

Good night.

Hey, hey. Do you believe

someone has actually ordered
us a genuine spring day.

What a dirty, rotten
trick to put it

in the middle of a war.

I'm gonna put
that sky on hold.

That's just a mural painted
by the North Koreans

-to catch us off our guard.
-Listen.

You and me, we're gonna
grab a couple of nurses,

some of that torpedo
juice, and-- pft--
head for the hills.

Sorry, I'm heading for
the nearest cot, alone.

Right after I get some
new feet from supply.

Are you serious?

After six months of
freezing your noony,

you're actually gonna let
a day like this go to waste?

Here's the coffee
you sirs wanted, sirs.

You're a little late, Radar.
We ordered it last winter.

Give him time.
He takes baby steps.

Save mine.

And take my beautiful day.
I'm having it later.

Uh, excuse me.

Isn't this, uh,
Lieutenant Simmons' tent?

That's me.

Oh...

I didn't recognize you
without your parka and hood.

I've never seen you
in your underneath before.

I mean, it must be
the cotton balls.

Oh, well, I've usually
got these on.

Oh, yeah.

Can't see a thing without 'em.

Oh, really?

Oh, me too, neither.

Radar?

Tanning your tonsils,
Radar?

Sir?

I'm going out and hit
a couple of balls.

I just wanted to tell you that
your, uh, anniversary issue

of Archie Comics arrived.

And I evened your cot legs

so you won't have to sleep
on a slant anymore.

Oh, thank you, sir.
Well, I guess that'll be all.

Thank you.

Flare your nostrils
for me, Frank.

I get so excited
when you flare them.

Margaret, I get so excited
when you say "excited."

Funny thing... war.

Never have so many
suffered so much

so so few could be
so happy.

Oh, Frank, we're so lucky
to be two of the few

and not the many.

I know, darling,
and I love being both of us.

Margaret...

let me press my ears
against your lips.

Frank, we're not alone.

"Breathless, we flung us
on the windy hill."

-Hey, Klinger!
-Shh!

"Laughed in the sun,
kissed in the lovely grass.

"You said, 'Through glory
and ecstasy we pass'."

-Poetry, right?
-Mm-hmm.

That's great the way
they can rhyme and be hot

at the same time.

Rupert Brooke.

I won him
in a poker game.

Is that for me?

Oh, yeah.
Uh, came special delivery.

I thought it might
be important.

I think it's from, uh...

Radar, do you know
what this says?

I couldn't help it, honest.

I held it up to the sun
to shade my eyes,

and some of the words
showed through.

Ha ha!

Ha!

"They have known shame,
who loved unloved.

"Even then when two mouths
thirsty for each other...

f-find slaking."

"Slaking?" Wow!

I've appealed to him
several times, Doctor.

He's not hurting the cat.
He just won't release it.

Sorry I had to wake you.

That's all right, Father.

The nurse I was dreaming
was a rerun anyway.

Well, the cat's someone
to love, obviously.

He's over there.

Where'd he get it?

Must have just
wandered into camp.

He refuses
to let go, Doctor.

My mother had the same
problem with me at
the induction center.

Anything you want to
talk about, soldier?

I think the cat's
got his tongue.

Hey, nobody wants to
take him away from you.

You can hold him
as long as you want.

You better bring
in a psychiatrist.

This is out of my league.
What's his name?

Fluffy.

I mean the patient,
Father.

We don't know, Doctor.

They brought him in
without dog tags.

Don't get too attached
to this place.

It really stinks.

Even though a lot of people
are sucked in by the lobby.

MAN:
Is that you, Doc?

I certainly hope so.

Well, Doc,
you saved my life.

No one's ever
done that before.

My guess is
nobody's ever had to.

-Lyle Wesson.
-Hawkeye Pierce.

And I'm gonna need that
back by tonight.

Hawkeye Pierce.

You're some kind
of genius doctor.

And I'm gonna
pay you back, Doc.

Anything, you just name it.

If I draw you a picture,
can you have her

under my pillow
by morning?

I'm not kidding, Doc.

I'm gonna pay you back.
You'll see.

Okay, fine.

Okay, you just lie back

and hope the bed
can take it.

-KLINGER: Colonel Blake!
-Dag nabbit!

Colonel!

Colonel, special delivery.

My girl Laverne,
she said yes.

She agreed to marry me!

Klinger, has she
ever seen you?

We've been dating
since high school.

Of course she's seen me.

I mean recently.

Sir, you gotta
let me go, sir.

I just have
to get married.

You're not pregnant,
are you?

-Don't be ridiculous, sir.
-Me?

You're the one who looks
like he just blew out

of Gone With the Wind.

Sir, I only want a small,
quick little wedding in Toledo.

Then a teeny, tiny,
one-two-three honeymoon,

then I'll be right back.

Everyone who believes that,
stand on their head.

You saying I'm lying, sir?

I'm saying you're so desperate
to get out of Korea,

you'd have yourself buried

with a soda straw
through the coffin

so you could breathe.

Forget it.

Hey, Lulu, they got
the volleyball schedule up.

Oh, great. Who am I with?

Terrific. We got
Murphy on our team.

Isn't that great?
And Rogers.

Oh, Ghiardelli.
That's okay.

Looks good.

Oh, Lieutenant Baker,
I'm glad I bumped into you.

Uh, I was noticing
on your file

that you never answered
Question 7

on your health card,
and we need to know.

So, uh, have you
ever had cholera,

diphtheria, bubonic plague,
jungle rot, or not?

Not.

Not. Okey-dokey.

Well, I'll get that off
to Washington right away.

-That's my marine, right?
-How'd you guess?

We just had a total
eclipse of the sun.

Hey, Doc, how you doing today?
Everybody treating you okay?

Oh, the laundry put too
much starch in my cummerbund.

But outside of that.

I'll tell you something.

You're a good ol' guy,
you know that?

Oh, allow me.

After you.

Before me.

Full house.

That's what happens when
Michelin gives you four stars.

Excuse me.

-Boys about done?
-Nope.

You know my mom
always told me

to leave the table
a little hungry.

That way, you don't feel
so stuffed, right?

Yeah, right.

Two just opened up
here, Doc.

Uh, we gotta get
our food, Lyle.

Don't say that.
He'll skewer the cook.

Fellas, you just sit on
down and relax,

and I'll handle everything.

-Two with everything. -I'm busy,
fella.

No, no, no, no.

I said two
with everything now.

Everything is just
what you're gonna get.

How do you feel about
long engagements?

Dear Dad, I'm bringing
home a marine.

He'll be the son
you never had."

I think
you'll enjoy this.

I won't let you down.

Uh, I was wondering if
I could ask you two sirs

about some advice.

Well, what are
parents for?

Come on in.
Make yourself homely.

Sit down.

Oh, thanks.

Little irrigation?

Come again?

Drink, Radar.

Oh, no, no.

What's your problem?
And keep in mind,

we can't work miracles
with height.

Uh, well...

it's about this,
um, woman.

A woman of
the opposite sex, Radar?

Yeah, uh,
Lieutenant Simmons.

You know her?
Nurse.

Simmons?

Uh, short, freckles,
fat glasses?

I can't understand
how you lost your job

at the State Department.

Yeah, that's her usually,

but you should see her
without her parka.

Can you arrange that?

I mean I didn't.

But, uh, she was wearing
this little, uh... uh...

A pair of hands?
She was wearing
two hands?

Uh, no, it was a...

Oh, what's the diff?

For all she knows,
I'm dead.

Why don't you prove
to her you're alive?

Breathe in her face.

I can't because I'm
ignoring her all the time.

HAWKEYE: Why?

Because she's ignoring me.

Ah, but you
ignored her first.

Yeah, that's because I'm trying
to beat her to the ignore.

Radar, you're gonna
cool yourself

right out of business
with her.

Why don't you let her
know how you feel?

Take her to the pictures.

Wow, that's a great idea.

Thanks.
We invented it.

Yeah, we get a two cents
royalty every time

a guy asks a girl
to a movie.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I'll ask her to the, uh...

I-I'll ask her
to the movies.

All righty, BS2XYZ, I gotcha.

That's 6:00 p.m. there, 4:00
a.m. here.

Righty-o. Roger Wilco. Over
and out. Ten-four and goom-bye.

Okay, Klinger,
you're all set.

Colonel,
I could kiss you!

You do, and I'll chin
myself on your nose.

You sure this radio
thing's gonna work, sir?

Klinger, BS2 is a ham operator
in Des Moines, Iowa, right?

Now he's gonna pick us
up on his shortwave

and call Laverne, your Laverne,
at the chapel, collect,

in Toledo, so he can patch
her phone into his radio,

which we can hear
on our radio,

in which Laverne
can hear on her phone

and her parents can
hear on their extension.

Simple?

It would have been simpler
to let me go home for this.

If I let you go home, Klinger,
the next time I'd see you,

you'd be a Rockette
at Radio City Music Hall.

Go get shaved
and get into your gown.

Yes, sir!

Oh, excuse me,
Lieutenant.

Uh, I'm measuring
the camp.

Oh.

Uh, you see, uh,
last year we had

2,986 square feet,

and this year
we have 2,863.

And I have to figure out
where we shrunk.

Uh, while we're on
the subject, uh...

did you know that
tonight's movie

is Firstborn
of Godzilla?

The what?

The Firstborn
of Godzilla.

-Oh.
-I saw the original

before Godzilla
ever got married.

Oh, well, I don't go in
for movies much.

I'd rather just stay in
and listen to some music

or read some poetry.

Oh, uh, d-do you
read poetry?

Why? Do you?

Oh, yeah.

I'm always browsing up
on a new poem.

Who's your favorite?

Uh, well, right now
I'm interested in, uh,

a new guy, uh,
Ruptured Brook.

Boy, you guys bucking
for a Section Eight

really get my quills up.

You keep doing that
just because you think

we'll think it's strange.

Well, I'm here
to tell you,

you're not one bit
stranger than I am.

Now, I'm going
to count to five,

and I want you to hand over
that unauthorized cat.

One, two...

three, four.

Showing off for
the patients again, Frank?

Patient?
Hmph. He's not sick.

Just another one
of those crybabies

who's afraid to go back
to the front.

Frank, can I borrow
your doctor's diploma?

They're a little short
in the latrine.

Oh, hardy har.

Look, we know
you love the cat.

Nobody wants to hurt it.

You can come visit it
anytime you want.

We'll take good care of it.
I promise.

Okay?

Wanna give him to me?

Come on,
you can trust me.

Lovely. Thank you.

-Oh!

Okay, everybody,
just keep calm,

and nobody will get hurt.
Especially me.

Now let's be careful.
Don't break the doctor, okay?

Uh, the cat and I have
just talked it over,

and he'd like to come back.

LYLE: Hey, what the heck
is going on here?

Oh, just another fan
gone wild.

Well, don't worry, Doc.
I'll get you out of there

quicker than you can
shake a stick.

No, no, Lyle, Lyle,
don't hurt him. Be gentle.

My life is in his armpit.

Easy, buddy.
Take it easy.

Mr. Kwang, can we have
some sedation here, please?

You all right, Doc?

Thanks, Lyle. I guess
that about makes us even

in the lifesaving department.
In fact, I owe you change.

Oh, that was nothing.

I haven't even begun
to pay you back yet.

What are you gonna do for
an encore, make me immortal?

Well, I like you, Doc.

I like doing things
for you.

You're the greatest.

Lyle, underneath these
exceptional good looks

lurks a really
rotten person, really.

Oh, come on.

I'm the kind of guy
who gets a kick out

of tying knots
in varicose veins.

I once did a postmortem

an hour before
the patient was ready.

SIMMONS:
Who is it?

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.

I can go away
if I'm bothering you.

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, uh, we just got
a new shipment in,

and I was in
the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd stop by.
Here's some candy.

Oh, thank you.

I love chocolate...

even though it makes
my face break out.

Mine too. I mean, uh...

it did before
I turned into a man.

Well, what's that?
Poetry?

Uh, uh-huh.

Well, sit down.
Read me a poem.

Ahem.

Well, I don't know

if I should
in mixed company.

I mean, they got stuff
in here about, um...

you know, slaking
and stuff like that.

Well, I'd love to hear some.

Okay.

I warned you.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, here's one.

Ahem.

"The damned ship--"
Oh, excuse me.

"...lurched and slithered.

"Quiet and quick.
My cold gorge rose.

"The long sea rolled,

"I knew I must think
hard of something

"or be sick."

"Do I forget you?

"Retchings twist
and tie me.

"Old meat, good meals,
brown gobbets, up I throw."

You don't give a girl
a chance, do you?

Huh?

Oh, don't play coy with me,
you heart wrecker.

Always standing off,
playing hard to get,

while all the time you were
looking right through me.

I didn't see
anything, honest.

Oh, there ought to be a law
against guys like you.

Uh, Lieutenant,

you're bending the book.

Can you still hear me,
Miss Esposito?

Sure can, Father.
Loud and clear.

Oh, where were we?

Uh, she just said the part
about being sick and poor.

Oh, yes.

Then, do you,
Laverne Esposito,

take this, uh, man,
Corporal Max Klinger,

to be your lawful
wedded husband?

I d--

What happened?

Oh, fishhooks.
Interference.

Well, find it.
Find it, damn it!

Oh, sorry, Father.

It's a wedding, son.
I understand your anger.

Well?

Just keep your garters on,
Klinger.

WOMAN: And then you add
a pound of shelled pecans

and a bottle
of lemon extract.

Um, KN5YVJ calling BS2XYZ
in Des Moines.

Come in. Over.

HAWKEYE, TRAPPER:

♪ Da da da da

With our compliments.

Hey, thanks.

That's really nice of you
sirs to get dressed up.

It's from the States.

My grandfather
was buried in this.

Oh. I'm really touched.

I always thought so.

Look, lady, I'm a doctor

trying to marry a soldier
in the middle of a war.

WOMAN: That's sick!

HENRY: Hello?

A little more veil, please.
I can still see your face.

You want my recipe
for never-fail corn bread?

Lady, you are a piece
of corn bread.

Scott! Zelda!
Just in time.

Out of our way.

May I see your
invitations, please?

Friends of the bride
or the bride?

You're out
of uniform!

I am not.
I'm with Fred Waring.

Disgusting!

You have your nerve,
wearing white.

Jealous?

Doc, I've been
looking all over...

for you.

Boy, you guys sure throw
some weird parties, huh?

It's our prom night.

These kids have been
saving up all year for this.

Well, look it, Doc.
Um, I'm shoving off tomorrow

and I thought maybe I could
have your home address.

Maybe we could be pen pals
after the war.

Lyle, it-it would just
be boring for you.

I write everything
in prescriptions.

Come in, Laverne,
wherever you are.

I demand this wedding
be stopped immediately.

Oh, shut up, Major.

Did you hear that?

I certainly did.

Are you gonna let him
talk to you that way?

You're angry
when you're beautiful.

Listen, big nose!

What'd you call him?

Button up, Frank,
and zip up too.

Well, who are you
ordering about,

Mr. Sassing-A-Major-Pants?

I thought the doc
told you to be quiet.

Oh, that's
all right, Lyle.

He never obeys
my commands.

What a report this
is going to make.

That pervert
marrying no one,

a cat living
in the hospital,

and this idiot
insubordinating

his big mouth
whenever he pleases.

Uh, Frank, uh,
I wouldn't, uh...

Oh, shut up!

That's it!

Uh-oh.

MARGARET: Frank!

Let me go,
you big moron!

Put him down!

You can't twirl
an officer!

Oh, this is outrageous!

Aah! Ooh!

I think he's had enough,
Lyle.

We don't want his brain
to rush to his head.

Apologize. No report.

I do! I do!

No report! Please!

Honest!

Frank.

Lyle, you really gotta
stop doing things like that.

It puts people off.

Yeah, you're right, Doc.

I'm always doing
the wrong thing. I'm sorry.

Well, that's okay.
You're a big person.

You deserve
bigger mistakes.

No, Lyle bad person.
Does bad things.

No, you're not.

Lyle good.
Hawkeye bad.

LAVERNE: Hello? Hello?

Hey, hey, I think
I've got her.

Is that you, pumpkin?

-Yes, I'm here, baby.
-No, this--

Miss Esposito, ready?

Would you repeat "I do"?

I do.

-And do you, Max Klinger--
-I do! I do!

You'd better hurry.
She's fading.

Bless, O Lord, this ring in
Toledo that he who gives it

and she who wears it
may abide in Thy peace.

I now pronounce you
man and wife. Amen.

HENRY: Laverne?

-Laverne?

HENRY: Here's to his wife
anyway. We lost Laverne.

Radar, what happened
to you?

I don't know.

I think I've been slaked.

Here's to the biggest
cannon in the war.

And it's a comfort to
know it's in Your hands.

We're safer with
the rain, you know?

One more lovely spring
day like yesterday,

and we'll need
a group lobotomy.

You guys got any
books on poetry?

Radar, come in here.

Your voice is
getting deeper.

Your skin
is clearing up.

Well, I got this friend.

Who is she?

Who says it's a she?

Then who's he?

It's not a he.

Radar, there are only
he's and she's.

Look, he's blushing.

I am not. My cheeks are just
red.

Aw, Radar, come on.
Tell your Uncle Trapper.

And your Aunt Hawkeye.

Why can't you sirs just
act like sirs, sirs?