All language subtitles for MASH.S02E24.A.Smattering.of.Intelligence.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

HOULIHAN:
Slight temperature, Doctor.

He's responding
to the antibiotics.

Okay, continue treatment.

Try to get better by 6:00.

I'm going to the movies
and I wanna have a free mind.

-How come you're
not responding to me?
-Pardon?

I put on something I thought
would drive you wild.

-What?
-Clean socks.

Sir, a helicopter crashed.

There's a broken arm in O.R.

Let's hope there's
a patient attached.

Major, give me a hand.
Later I'll give you one of mine.

-Much pain?
-Not bad.

-Clean up the abrasions.
-Yes, Doctor.

Colonel Flagg's
x-ray, sir.

What happened
to the chopper pilot?

He walked away
without a scratch.

Probably asleep at the wheel.
That makes you nice and relaxed.

Yeah.

Colonel, you got
a fractured radius.

-Congratulations.
-Congratulations?

Yeah, you might have landed
on your head and screwed
yourself into the ground.

Just get on with it, huh?

-Major, expose the arm, please.
-Yes, Doctor.

Oh.

Ever thought of going
into burlesque, Colonel?

-I'm terribly sorry.
-Then try to look it.

-What kind of a place is this?
-What do you care?

We're open 24 hours a day
and the second cup of
coffee is free.

-Morphine.
-No morphine for me.

Well, it's certainly
not for me.

Colonel,
this will be very painful.

-Forget it.
-Perhaps you'd care
to bite on a bullet.

Just do it.

Stockinette, please.

I want to talk
to your commanding officer.

Well, right after we
set this, we x-ray it.

And if it's not right,
we do it again.

Then you can see
my commanding officer,

who's not right,
but he won't let us
do him again.

What's your name, fella?

Dr. Wasserman.

I'm looking for a cure
for V .D.

and I thought this might be
a good place to start.

Ready?

-Uh, sir?
-Yo.

Colonel Flagg is right
outside... inside here, sir.

Oh, Colonel Flagg.

Colonel, I want to talk
to you in private,
without the corporal.

Oh, you can say anything
you want in front of him.

Okay, I will.
Get out.

Yes, sir.

-I see they got
the old wing patched up.
-Yeah.

Care for a belt?

No, thank you.

Hot enough for ya?

-Colonel.
-Colonel?

What's your...
clearance?

Oh, I go through the door
with about an inch to spare.

I mean, security-wise.

Oh, well,
we're a hospital.

Colonel...

I'm gonna have to
trust you.

Well, believe me, you can,
Colonel Flagg.

Major Brooks.

Lieutenant Carter.

Ensign Troy.

Captain Louise Klein?

I'm C.I.A.

C.I.A.? Wow!

That damn chopper crash

may have ruined
a very sensitive mission.

Colonel Flagg was never here.
Tell your people.

You can fill out a file on me
using any one of these.

Right. Uh, just let me
get your names down here.

Don't write.

Memorize. One.

And don't use "Louise."
I'll need that next week
in Tokyo.

Right.

I don't know how long
I'll be here.

That all depends on H.Q.

-H.Q.
-Why did you say H.Q.?
Whoever told you about H.Q.?

-Well, you told me,
Colonel Flagg.
-Who's Colonel Flagg?

I mean, I, uh...
Gee, could...

could I just look
at the cards again?

I forgot who all of you are.

Step outside, Colonel.
I wanna make a call.

All right.
Can I get the number for you?

I don't know
the number.

Then how do you make the call?

I have to throw up.

The number's in a capsule.

Well, I'll just
run along then.

-Colonel.
-Hmm?

-Not a word.
-Oh, don't worry, Colonel.

I don't wanna get in Dutch.

Dutch?

Colonel, I'm authorized
to kill...

without requesting permission
from my superiors.

Oh. Well, I imagine
that cuts down on
the old paperwork.

You'll never know
what hit you.

Your toothbrush
could go off in your mouth.

You could find a tarantula
in your shorts.

We could booby-trap a nurse.

-Hey, sirs.
-And ma'am.

And ma'am.

Boy, did I ever
just hear something
by accident in the office.

You've been giving the wall
a physical again, Radar?

Sit down and tell us.

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly's
high chair, please.

You know that Colonel Flagg?
You fixed his arm?

He's a C.P.A.

No, really. I heard him
tell Colonel Blake to
keep it quiet,

that he's on
a secret mission.

Radar, you mean C.I.A.

Wow!

To think I took
his shirt off.

Well, why would you do that?

I had to break his arm, Frank.
He was lusting after Margaret.

Those guys are doped up
most of the time, you know.

Doped up on
patriotism, fella.

-Something we're in pretty
short supply here.
-Amen.

Radar, we're running low.
Get another order of
Yankee Doodle.

Yes, sir.

Gee, what a screwy bunch.

Can you believe
that Frank?

There's talk of making him
the 49th state.

Don't move.
You're under arrest.

Vinny Pratt!
What a small war.

Trapper John McIntyre,
the old dirty doctor.

Vinny Pratt,
Hawkeye Pierce.

Vinny and I go way back.
I introduced him to his wife.

Now you're here
to kill him, right?

-Care for a belt?
-No, thanks.
I'm here on business.

You?

Trap.

Can I talk
in front of him?

Go ahead.
I had his tongue cut out.

Makes it very hard
to lick stamps.

I'm with Intelligence.
G2.

Our people monitored
a call from here.

You have a Colonel Flagg
on some kind of a mission.

His chopper crashed.
He broke his arm.

Oh. That old trick.

What trick? I set the arm.
I saw the x-rays.

Well, believe me,
if I know Flagg,

he ordered the chopper
to crash,

got out and hit himself
with a hammer.

Come on.

It's a switch on the way

he infiltrated the C.I.D.
last year.

He drove his jeep into a wall,
set himself on fire.

Is this guy available
for kids' parties?

Why would this character
wanna infiltrate a hospital?

Well, that's what
I'm here to find out...

what they're up to
and stop them.

I don't get it. What do you
mean "they," "them"?

Aren't "them" all part of"we"?
Isn't "them" "us"?

Steady, pal.

They always try
to make a big score

around appropriation time.

A little showboat
for the Senate.

Now, last year they beat us
out of $20 million.

Oh, you could make that up
out of petty cash.

There must be something
pretty big cooking around here

for them to send Flagg.

My orders are to find out
what that is.

From now on,
I'm Captain Perkins. Priest.

We already
got a priest.

Well, then I'm Captain Stone.

Engineer.

-Colonel Blake?
-Yeah?

There's a Captain Stone out
there that's in here too, sir.

Colonel Blake.

-Captain Stone.
-That's not my real name.

-Oh, boy.
-I'm Major Strauss. G2.

-Hey, what's going on
with you guys?
-"Guys"?

I never heard
of Colonel Flagg.

Let me level
with you, Colonel.

My people wanna know
what Flagg's people are up to.

Why do we have to be
in the middle?

Can't you let my people go?

I expect your full
cooperation, Colonel.

-Look, give me
a break, Strauss.
-Call me Pratt.

-But Stone is definitely out?
-Out.

Man alive,
I'm trying to run a hospital,

be an administrator,
give orders.

I've got no time
for Intelligence,

all this
cloak-and-dagger stuff.

Full cooperation, Colonel.

What's this?

Paid bill from the Happy Hour
Motel, Elkhart, Indiana.

June 1948.

That is your signature,
isn't it,

"Mr. Carl Williams
and daughter"?

Beside the blurred
license plate number?

-So?
-So,

the electric blanket control
in Room 312 was a microphone.

Holy cow!

The doorknob was a camera.

Linda Collins.

That rent-a-car girl
in Houston. Remember?

The A.M.A. Convention
in '49.

They were folding
the chairs by the time
you finally got there.

Hey, where did you
get this stuff?

We've got files on people
who haven't been born yet.

Well, I'd deny it.
And anybody that says
I don't is a dirty liar.

-Uh-huh.
-I mean, who's
gonna believe this?

Nobody except
your immediate family.

I'll leave you a copy.

Hey, this is nothing but
a pack of filthy, lying lies,

which is beneath
my contempt about it,

and you can count on my full
and fearful cooperation.

Hey, how about a little golf?
I need the money.

Don't be so smart,
or I'll x-ray that sandwich

and show you
what you're eating.

-Who you doing?
-Flagg. I wanna see
if I set his arm right.

Can you believe
those guys?

We're a hospital,
and they're playing spy.

I have a good mind
to write my congressman.

With invisible ink,
of course.

Chasing their own tails.

What do you say we make it
a little more interesting?

-Uh-huh.
-Would you tell Captain Stone
I'll see him next, please?

-Mm-hmm. You got it.
-Okay.

Captain Stone?

Yeah, would you sit right
there at the table, please.

-Engineer?
-I hear he moonlights
as a priest.

His name is not Stone.
It's really Martinez.

How do you know,
Colonel Flagg?

My name is not Flagg.
Ask your C.O. It's Carter.

Uh-huh.

Can I trust you, Pierce?

If that's who I am.

I'm with the C.I.D.,

although I told your boss
I was with the C.I.A.

It throws people off
who think I'm with the C.I.C.

I'll go along
with you there.

If his people sent Martinez,
then there's something big
brewing here.

-Hmm. Probably.
-I'm not leaving
till I find out what it is.

Well, I can't give you
a medical excuse.

I did too good a job
on your arm.

-You did, huh?
-Mm-hmm.

Well, now I can give you
a medical excuse.

All right, Corporal,
read back what you've got.

Uh, yes, sir.

"To the Far East
Export-Import Company,

27 Zapata Circle,
'Ti-joo-ana', Mexico."

-Right. Go on.
-Yes, sir.

"Mary had a little lamb. Stop.

My dog has fleas. Stop."

Good. There's a bit more.

Mairzy doats
and dozey doats,

and I'll be home
for Christmas.

You got that?

Uh... Uh, just a moment, sir.

Uh, okay.

Sign it:

Your loving son,

Queen Victoria.

Really?

You told me to keep you up
on what he's doing.

-"Mary had a little lamb."
-He knows I'm here.

-How?
-I'm Mary.

I hate to tell you this, Mary,
but your dog has fleas.

Mm-hmm. We're both
on the same trail.

But he's waiting
for me to bird-dog.

You do, and
you'll clean it up.

Can this man be trusted?

He's true-blue.

-I wanna use him for messages.
-He's perfect.

He fits into any envelope.

Aw, come on.

I can't surface.
He's got me tagged.

I'm G2.

You're to keep him under
covert surveillance.

Colonel Flagg?

-Queen Victoria.
-Major Carter.

They're all him.

Or her, as the case may be.

I think I understand.

Then you're the only one.

Go, son.

Radar. If you're captured,
you'll have to eat those
binoculars.

What's Flagg's target?

What's his caper?

Could it be a patient?
A nurse?

A doctor?

-Hello, Frank.
-TRAPPER: Hi, Frank.

A lot you care.

Oh. I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.

Oh. Old buddy of mine.

Captain Stone, engineer.

Major Burns, doctor, surgeon.

Staff paranoid.

Uh, what brings you
to the 4077 th, Captain?

-Survey mission, Major.
-Oh.

Corps of Engineers believes
that army surgical hospitals

can not only be mobile
but amphibious.

I've had that idea
for a long time.

Put the hospital, the O.R.,
the lab, the whole shebang
up on pontoons

and head for the high seas.

We could call ourselves
the "Titanic."

Captain, I'm afraid
your friend here
and his friend here

derive some
perverted pleasure

from playing down American
ingenuity and know-how.

That's true.
I was among those

who said this hospital
would never fly.

I love this country more
than both of you put together.

I'll tell ya,

when that flag goes up
the pole every morning,
I go with it.

We have a hell of a time
at night folding him
and putting him away.

Oh, hooey balooey.

Well, good luck on
your project, Captain,
and... anchors aweigh.

-Pretty gung ho.
-♪ And I don't care

You know, I sometimes
wonder about Frank

and his wall-to-wall
patriotism.

You know,
they say Benedict Arnold

used to be the first one
to stand whenever Washington
came into the room.

But the minute
Washington left,
he started throwing erasers

and tried to take over
the country.

There is the type
who protest too much.

-That's right.
-Oh, yeah.

I think I'll have a little
look-see into his file.

-MCINTYRE: Right now?
-No.

If I ask the colonel
to see the major's file

and they're co-subversives
in sub-security profile,

they'll do the old
dossier switcheroo,

and I'll chalk up a zilch.

Boy, I wish you came
with English subtitles.

He means he'll sneak into
the files tonight. Right?

It's called
breaking and entering.

Good thing
you're a cop.

Otherwise, that's
illegal. You know?

FLAGG:
I've asked you to have
a drink because I need help.

Now, from the complaints
I've heard,

you're my kind of people.

Military, dedicated...

and a little bit fanatic
about good sense.

That's us.

I think
I can trust you. I'm...

I'm with the C.I.C.

-Not the C.I.A.?
-No.

I just tell people that
so they'll think
I'm with the C.I.D.

I think I understand.

Now, you people got yourself

a snootful of security
problems around here.

Either of you know
a G2 man named Stone?

He's an engineer.
You're crazy, buddy.

You call me that again, friend,

I'll reach into your throat
and pull your heart out.

Please, Frank.
I've seen him
with his shirt off.

I've got to know who
or what this Stone's after.

Then you should
see my file.

He's kept a complete list
of everybody in this camp

who's ever been disloyal,
subversive

or promoted ahead
of certain other doctors

just because they showed off
by saving more lives.

I'd like to have
a glimmer at that.

Radar!

-I'm not, sir.
-You're not what?

You're eavesdropping.

Corporal.

Sir?

How'd you like
a nose full of nickels?

Not a whole lot, sir.

-Do you like the jukebox, son?
-Oh, yes, sir.

Well, if you don't get lost,
I'm gonna put your head
through the glass

and pull it out through
the coin return.

Anything else, sir,
before I go to the latrine?

-Disappear.
-Mm-hmm.

I heard him.
He's going into
Major Burns' file.

Well, looks like we're gonna
have a doubleheader tonight.

We should let Flagg go first.
He's the senior crazy.

-Do you know
what he said to me?
-Wait a minute.

Hawk, shall we make
Frank's files a little
more colorful?

Good idea, Raleigh.
What'd he say to you, Radar?

He said he was gonna
shove nickels up my nose.

No kidding.
What song was he gonna play?

Is that the signal?

Either that or Marlene
Dietrich's back in town.

Go, tiger.

FLAGG:
Burns, get up!
Let's go, mister!

-What is it?
-You're under arrest
as a subversive.

I don't know what game
you're playing,

but I've got enough pictures
of your file

to have you executed
for the rest of your life.

-Subversive?
-Can't be.

He's got every record
Kate Smith ever made.

Get dressed.
You're coming with me.

Hold it, Flagg. He's mine.

You'll have to take
a number and wait.

Or call ahead.

Everybody wants to arrest
Frank Burns this time of year.

Arrest me?
What for, for heaven's sake?

-You're a communist.
-He's a fascist.

I'm not either.
I'm nothing.

We'll vouch for that.

I've got a list here
of 17 left-wing organizations

and charities you've
contributed to.

I never gave
a dime to charity.

I believe every man
has the right to be poor.

That doesn't explain
these communist front groups.

Those were just a front
for these.

Aha.
There's a new front moving in.

This shows your radical
right-wing activities,

from being an usher
at a Bund meeting in 1939

to pledging $25
to a Martin Bormann
telethon in Argentina.

There's more here,
Comrade Burns.

What?

Frank, you're entitled
to one phone call
to the Kremlin.

Do you deny
that last month in Tokyo

you attended a performance
of the Russian Ballet?

What's wrong with
going to the ballet,
for Pete's sake?

That's how you people operate.

Today you're dancing in Tokyo,
tomorrow all over Washington.

You gotta keep on your toes
with the Russian Ballet.

How about
this little item?

Running a linen laundry
for the Ku Klux Klan?

I never! It's a lie!
They're all lies!

-Well, somebody's lying.
-MCINTYRE: That's right.

And we know who it is.

It's us.

You two were so intent
on finding some breach
of security, some leak.

You don't need the real thing.
You guys are self-leaking.

Trying to protect your jobs
until you get to the old
spies home.

You could do
ten years for this.

What, for simple
doctor's file doctoring?

You can't arrest us.
We got a run-of-the-war
contract.

Choppers! Choppers, sirs.
Incoming wounded.

Fellas, it's been
both a privilege
and a nightmare meeting you.

Trap, I owe you one.

You really hit me
below the belt.

Come see me.
I do hernias.

Let's get to work, Frank.

Say "sieg heil" or
"or-chi-chornya"
to the nice gentlemen.

You've slandered one
of the finest Americans
since my father.

Buy you a cup of coffee, Sam?

Why not?

FLAGG'S VOICE: The following
is a joint surveillance report,

C.I.A., G2, relative
to personnel investigated,

MASH 4077th.

Captain Benjamin Franklin
Pierce.

Captain John Mclntyre.

Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake.

Major Margaret Houlihan
and Major Frank Burns.

Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

Final recommendation,
MASH 4077th:

Strongly suggest
continued observation.