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1
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:58,275
Here you are, Radar.
2
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:01,583
Hey, mail call!
3
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:04,803
Oh! Oooh! Ohh!
4
00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:06,109
Ah, come on, guys.
5
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,024
WOMAN: Radar!
Come on, Radar!
6
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:11,114
-RADAR: Come on, guys.
-Ruba!
7
00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:23,909
Hey, hey, hey! A bonus.
8
00:01:23,953 --> 00:01:27,043
My two girls, Hawk.
Kathy and Becky.
9
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:31,569
"Dear Daddy, We hope
you like these cookies.
10
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:33,919
"We made them ourselves.
Nobody helped us."
11
00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:35,269
I wish somebody had.
12
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:39,403
Wow.
I can't believe it.
13
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,839
How they've changed.
14
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,841
They must be
a head taller.
15
00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,278
And where have I been?
16
00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:45,975
You won a free trip
to Korea.
17
00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:48,151
All the slop you can eat
18
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,458
and this suite at
the Waldorf Toilet.
19
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,506
From my sister and her
ten dancing fingers.
20
00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:02,034
For the man who
has everything:
21
00:02:02,078 --> 00:02:04,167
a sweater
with a guest room.
22
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,649
Mail call, sir.
23
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,738
Ooh, good-oh.
24
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,049
Regimental Headquarters.
25
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:19,400
"For your eyes only.
Top Secret."
26
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,749
Is it?
27
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:22,359
I didn't think so.
28
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:29,279
"On your next leave
in Tokyo,
29
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,716
"remember Madame Wank's
Casa de Massage.
30
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,937
Special prices on
back-walking this month."
31
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:37,418
Back-walking, sir?
32
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:40,247
Yeah.
33
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,944
This girl takes
her sandals off
34
00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:45,165
and walks on
your bare back.
35
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:47,732
Oh.
36
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,475
Hey, this is from my wife.
37
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:52,607
Yes, sir.
38
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:54,435
Oh, boy,
I hope it's a cake.
39
00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:56,567
Lorraine makes a sour cream
and chocolate job
40
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:59,266
that you could take
intravenously.
41
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:02,356
She stirs in the sour cream
with the melted chocolate.
42
00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:04,532
The topping is about
two inches of frosting,
43
00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:07,230
and that cake
is as light as air.
44
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:10,886
With their bare feet?
45
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:13,410
She's kidding!
46
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:18,459
Check stubs, bank checks,
canceled checks.
47
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:19,982
20,000 miles from home,
48
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:24,160
and she wants me to
balance her checkbook.
49
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:27,337
Here's a vet bill. $236.
50
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,253
For treating
a 15-year-old cat.
51
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:32,864
What'd she do,
give it a facelift?
52
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:34,388
Wow.
53
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,481
Look at those beauties.
54
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:43,745
I guess I'm boring when I
talk about my kids, huh?
55
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,616
No. As a matter of fact,
56
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:47,444
that's the only time
you're not boring.
57
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:49,272
I knew you'd understand.
58
00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:52,841
-Hi, Frank.
-Hello, Frank.
59
00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:54,712
That'll be the day.
60
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,326
Had a letter from
the little woman, Frank?
61
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,980
More important than that.
From my stockbrokers.
62
00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:04,809
Henderson,
Landers, and Flynn.
63
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,422
I bet they'd fit
in my sweater.
64
00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:11,425
"Dear Major... inform you...
portfolio..."
65
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,601
He got a letter
written in mumble.
66
00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:16,908
Ha! Hot-diggity-dog!
67
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:19,128
They're sending him
his Captain Midnight ring.
68
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:22,653
You're looking at a man
who is $2,000 richer
69
00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:25,047
than he was a month ago.
70
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,570
What happened, Frank?
71
00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:28,659
Did you die and leave
yourself a lot of money?
72
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:29,965
Unlike some people,
I don't waste my time
73
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,575
drinking and chasing women.
74
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:34,012
We're thinking of chasing
only drinking women.
75
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,188
Eliminates one process.
76
00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:37,320
TRAPPER:
Quiet, will you?
77
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,931
The man is trying
to be dull.
78
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:42,630
Go ahead, Frank.
Dull away.
79
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:45,328
All I want to say is that
my stock portfolio
80
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:48,940
has just about doubled
since the war started.
81
00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:50,290
Which war, Frank?
I've been in two.
82
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,900
I just can't get enough.
83
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:54,511
I'm talking about
the Korean conflict, smarty!
84
00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:56,339
If you had any brains,
you'd know war
85
00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:57,775
always increases
stock prices.
86
00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,560
He's right, you know.
87
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:03,259
Oh, yeah? Then what
happened to my 10,000
shares of Gestapo?
88
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,436
Oh, I can't talk to you guys.
89
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,959
Promise?
90
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:10,962
You're so dedicated,
so noble.
91
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:12,660
Wouldn't dirty
your hands with money.
92
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,618
Are you cereal, Frank?
93
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:16,881
I come from a long line
of money-grubbers.
94
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:19,406
My great-grandfather
Tombstone Pierce
95
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:21,103
made his fortune selling
whiskey and hors d'oeuvres
96
00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:22,278
to the Indians.
97
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,108
Whiskey and hors d'oeuvres,
Gracie?
98
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:30,112
He always said "What's
a drink without a nosh?"
99
00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:32,070
Aaw.
100
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:35,726
Well, Frank Burns is gonna
look out after number one.
101
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,337
I'm not gonna be
a surgeon forever.
102
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:39,426
Or for that matter,
even ever.
103
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:42,342
Oh, go soak your head!
104
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:45,867
I wish somebody
would tear him down
105
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,434
and put up
a human being.
106
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,087
He's not worth
the trouble.
107
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:50,785
No, no, I think he is.
108
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,743
As a matter of fact,
I think he's ready
109
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:55,093
for a little
humility therapy.
110
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:57,792
If you will notice,
I take pen and ink in hand,
111
00:05:57,835 --> 00:06:00,882
and soon, gentle reader,
Frank will discover
112
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:03,101
a letter which may
well change the course
113
00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:04,929
of his mean little life.
114
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,975
How can you be
sure he'll find it?
115
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,456
Quite simple.
I'll hide it.
116
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:16,376
Who is it?
117
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,421
Major Burns.
It's about that, uh,
118
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,815
exploratory
we mentioned earlier.
119
00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,947
Just a minute,
Major Burns.
120
00:06:27,038 --> 00:06:30,085
Come in, Major Burns.
121
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:32,957
Margaret,
I want to talk to you.
122
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,698
Talk to me, Frank.
123
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,744
I got a letter
from home today.
124
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:39,660
I got something in
mail call today, too.
125
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:42,619
Oh, Margaret, your
toe-straighteners came.
126
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:47,407
Frank, sometimes you
can be such a stupe!
127
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:50,888
I sent away for
these sheer hose
128
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:52,455
and these spike heels
129
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,979
just to make myself
more attractive to you.
130
00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:57,155
You didn't have
to do that.
131
00:06:57,199 --> 00:07:01,159
I'd find you attractive
if you were naked.
132
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:04,032
Thanks a whole bunch,
Frank.
133
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,555
What's your news?
134
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,732
My investments are
beginning to pay off.
135
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:11,300
Before long, my ship will
be coming into Easy Street.
136
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:15,609
Mrs. Frank Burns.
137
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,175
Where?
138
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,394
I was just trying
it out for size.
139
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,091
Beg your pardon?
140
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:21,571
Well, you always said, Frank,
141
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,225
if ever you were rich enough,
142
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,140
you would think about
getting a divorce.
143
00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:27,011
Now, hold it.
Just a minute, fella.
144
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:30,275
Nobody said I was rich.
I said I was doing well.
145
00:07:30,319 --> 00:07:33,061
What's the difference between
rich and well, Frank?
146
00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:35,455
Well... well is okay,
but to be rich,
147
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,805
you've gotta be a lot
weller than only well,
148
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,763
no matter how swell well is.
149
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,852
Frank... Frank,
you're double-talking.
150
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:45,465
I can always tell.
Your upper lip disappears.
151
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:48,206
Margaret, I swear to you,
I'm not rich enough
152
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:51,079
to afford a wife
and an ex-wife.
153
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:53,864
That's a pity, Frank.
154
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,998
You see, these shoes also
come in clear plastic,
155
00:07:57,041 --> 00:08:00,523
and you can see what each
little toe is up to.
156
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,439
-Really, Margaret?
-Really.
157
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,573
Just think, Frank,
when the war is over,
158
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:10,794
you can go back to your wife
and her sensible shoes.
159
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,843
I'll get rich,
I promise you.
160
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:18,149
I will!
The first chance I get.
161
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,327
Sir, Corporal Klinger
wants to see you.
162
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,634
Oh, no, not Klinger.
Not today.
163
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:26,418
Uh, I think you
should see him, sir.
164
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,116
He's got a new dress.
165
00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:32,990
Well, if he's fussed, okay.
166
00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,165
Klinger!
167
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:37,299
Sir.
168
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,998
Klinger.
169
00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:43,740
Klinger...
170
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,134
Is that it?
171
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:48,353
Yes, sir.
172
00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:51,618
Uh, Klinger, the rifle
makes me nervous.
173
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,402
Actually,
the purse does, too.
174
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:55,404
Just sit down, take
a load off your heels.
175
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,321
What's your problem,
176
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,323
which I may have tattooed
on my forehead?
177
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:03,325
Got this in mail call
today, sir.
178
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:04,805
What is it?
179
00:09:04,848 --> 00:09:06,458
A letter from my mother.
180
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:09,940
"Dear Son..."
181
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,682
You obviously haven't
sent her a recent picture.
182
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,558
"I hate to bother you
in the middle of a war,
183
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:21,038
but I have
some terrible news."
184
00:09:21,082 --> 00:09:22,997
Your father
is very sick."
185
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,307
"If he knew I was
writing to you,
186
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:31,222
"he'd be very angry.
187
00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:33,398
Fortunately for us,
he's in a coma."
188
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,967
-Klinger...
-Sir, please.
189
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:41,406
"We know your colonel
has a good heart,
190
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:43,104
"and surely he'll
let you come home
191
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:45,062
"for your father's funeral,
192
00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:49,284
"or his 65th birthday,
whichever comes first.
193
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:51,503
"I will close this letter
now, son of my heart,
194
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,636
"because my tears are
making the paper soggy
195
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,638
"and hard to write on
196
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,988
Your loving, aggravated,
brokenhearted mother."
197
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:06,344
Uh-huh. Here we go.
198
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,651
Father dying, right?
199
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:09,957
Yes, sir.
200
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,310
Father dying last year.
201
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,227
Mother dying last year.
202
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,623
Mother and father dying.
203
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:29,367
Mother, father,
and older sister dying.
204
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:33,197
Mother dying
and older sister pregnant.
205
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:38,072
Older sister dying
and mother pregnant.
206
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:43,164
Younger sister pregnant
and older sister dying.
207
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:48,212
Here's an oldie
but a goody--
208
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:51,825
Half of the family dying,
other half pregnant.
209
00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,700
Klinger, aren't you
ashamed of yourself?
210
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,702
Yes, sir.
211
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,444
I don't deserve
to be in the army.
212
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:39,742
HAWKEYE: Dear Dad,
213
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,223
Thank sis for
the sweater she made me.
214
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:44,138
It's almost as nice
as the socks she knitted,
215
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,357
one of which I use
as a sleeping bag.
216
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:49,534
On to more
important things.
217
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,497
Senator Maggerd's stock tip
about Pioneer Aviation
218
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:58,805
sounds like the opportunity
of a lifetime.
219
00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:01,808
When Pioneer announces
its new defense
department contract,
220
00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:04,158
a small investment could
grow into millions.
221
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,294
Please sell all my assets
222
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,557
and buy all the Pioneer
stock you can.
223
00:12:12,601 --> 00:12:14,864
At $2.00 a share
it's a steal,
224
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:16,605
especially,
as Senator Maggerd says,
225
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,433
it's sure to go as high as--
226
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,684
-Corporal.
-Sir?
227
00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:54,164
I wanna make
a stateside call.
228
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:56,210
It's a New York number,
Canal 7-9000.
229
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:57,689
Uh, yes, sir.
230
00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,561
I'll get on it first thing
tomorrow morning.
231
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:00,997
Well, I don't want it
first thing in the morning.
232
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:02,694
I want it first thing now!
233
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,609
Uh, well, I can't get--
reach them now, sir.
234
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,394
I'll be calling 'em
yesterday.
235
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,091
That's ridiculous!
236
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,354
Oh, no, sir,
they're 16 hours behind us.
237
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:13,357
Our today is
their yesterday.
238
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:14,968
It's 5:00
in the afternoon!
239
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,360
Well, that's here, sir.
240
00:13:16,404 --> 00:13:18,580
Back there it's
1:00 yesterday morning.
241
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,538
Everyone's gone
to bed and said, uh,
242
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:21,844
"See you tomorrow,"
243
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,454
which, by the time
their tomorrow comes,
244
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:24,891
will be our yesterday.
245
00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:26,762
Isn't it 16 hours
later there?
246
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,416
No, sir.
247
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:30,418
Well, what if it is?
248
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,942
When would it be now there
if it was our today here?
249
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,596
You see, we don't
have the same now, sir.
250
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:35,945
By the time their now
becomes our now,
251
00:13:35,989 --> 00:13:37,338
this'll be then.
252
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,038
Okay.
253
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:43,648
I think I got
a bead on it.
254
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,433
In order for me
to talk to them
255
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,174
at 9:00 in the morning,
their time,
256
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:49,219
what time does it
have to be our when?
257
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,178
Uh, 1:00 our tomorrow
morning will get you
258
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:53,658
9:00 their today
there, sir.
259
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:54,877
Then that's
what we'll do.
260
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,009
Yes, sir, as soon
as I get a circuit.
261
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:58,272
There's a two-day wait.
262
00:13:58,315 --> 00:13:59,621
I can't wait two days!
263
00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:02,363
That'll be...
three days ago!
264
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,494
Right.
265
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:08,412
Um, can you send a cable?
266
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,420
Shoot, sir.
267
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,946
This is to Henderson,
Landers, and Flynn.
268
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:22,992
Prescott Building.
269
00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:25,299
Wall Street, New York.
270
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:26,648
Okay.
271
00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:28,432
Sell immediately
entire portfolio
272
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:31,000
at market regardless
of cost.
273
00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:33,350
Use proceeds, buy immediately
all shares possible
274
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:36,701
of, uh, Pioneer Aviation.
275
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:39,400
-Pioneer Avia--
-Shh!
276
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:40,967
And sign it
"Major Frank Burns".
277
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,577
Yes, sir.
278
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:44,361
And not a peep out
of you about this, Radar.
279
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:45,536
Oh, yes, sir.
280
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:48,626
Here, um, this is for you.
281
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,846
Thank you, sir.
282
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,369
You got 50 cents change?
283
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,504
-No, sir.
-I'll give it to you later.
284
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,475
Trapper, don't you think
that's quite enough?
285
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,477
Just one more chorus,
Father.
286
00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:18,526
Is something troubling
you, my son?
287
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,745
I'm not Catholic, Father.
288
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:24,532
Well, um,
all in good time.
289
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:26,969
Which is more than we can say
for your piano playing.
290
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:35,673
20,000 miles from home,
not to have them around,
291
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:38,502
not to share
their growing up...
292
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:40,069
Just wait, Father.
293
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:43,246
Wait till you
have children.
294
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,596
Well, I...
295
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,468
I'm sure it'll all work out.
296
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,875
-Hawkeye?
-Huh?
297
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:06,226
You got a second?
298
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:09,011
Yeah, for you, any time.
299
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:13,450
I need help with something
that came in the mail call.
300
00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,104
-Oh?
-Yeah.
301
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,889
Uh, I wrote this letter
to this girl,
302
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,717
and she wrote right back.
303
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:22,590
Sounds serious, Radar.
304
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:26,420
I saw this ad in the Captain
MarvelAnnual for pen pals.
305
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:28,378
And I sent in a quarter,
and they sent me
306
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:30,815
the name and address of someone
to write back and forth to.
307
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:34,297
Oh? Who is this two-bit friend
of yours?
308
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:39,172
MaryJo Carpenter
from Port Salut, Montana.
309
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:40,782
Very nice, Radar.
310
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:44,133
A girl, right?
311
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:46,092
Oh, she's terrific.
312
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:48,485
Uh, listen.
313
00:16:50,139 --> 00:16:52,489
"Dear Captain O'Reilly:
314
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:59,844
"Your first letter plus snapshot
arrived this morning.
315
00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:05,415
"I really got lucky.
Six foot two, smooth black hair,
316
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:08,810
terrific looker,
and a surgeon to boot."
317
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:13,206
"Boy, did I get
my quarter's worth."
318
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,512
Six foot two?
319
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,079
Black hair?
320
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,299
I got it out of your files.
321
00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:21,475
Radar, why?
322
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,480
Because I got brown hair
and I'm 2'6".
323
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:27,959
What's gonna happen if you
ever run into this--
324
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,613
this letter person?
325
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:30,832
I won't.
326
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:33,922
"Now that we've exchanged"--
327
00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:35,402
Wait a minute.
How are you gonna explain
328
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:36,881
the difference in your looks?
329
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,623
Uh...
330
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,843
Well, I'll tell her
I got hurt in the war.
331
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,453
Or I stepped on a mine.
332
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:44,933
With your face?
333
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,066
Look, we're just pen pals.
334
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,328
Will you-- Will you listen?
335
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:49,764
Mm.
336
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:50,982
Ahem.
337
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,462
"Now that we've exchanged
338
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,682
"pictures
and general info,
339
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,640
"I wish you would
write me and let me know
340
00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,251
"how you feel about things
341
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,775
"and life,
et cetera, et cetera.
342
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,778
"I feel very strongly
about feelings.
343
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:05,780
"As soon as I
get your feelings,
344
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:07,825
"I will send you mine.
345
00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:09,175
MaryJo Carpenter."
346
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:10,741
Then what's the problem?
347
00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:12,134
Well, what are my feelings?
348
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,614
How should I know?
349
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,616
Well, wait.
No. You gotta know.
350
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:18,358
I mean, she wants
to know my feelings,
351
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,142
and they've gotta sound
like the kind
352
00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:23,058
that come out of the face
I sent her the picture of.
353
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,191
Radar, you can't
send her my feelings.
354
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:26,801
You have to send her yours.
355
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,846
But I don't know
what my feelings are.
356
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:32,372
Nobody ever asked me
my feelings before.
357
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,200
You've got 'em, Radar.
Everybody does.
358
00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:37,028
-I have?
-Of course.
359
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,337
Can you give me a hint?
360
00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:43,165
Are you in, sir?
361
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:47,561
No, no, Klinger.
This is a film of me.
362
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:50,433
I died about
a hundred dollars ago.
363
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:54,611
Sir, I'd like to talk
to you about something.
364
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,787
You want to re-enlist, right?
365
00:18:56,831 --> 00:19:00,182
Sir, I have
to confess...
366
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,837
I'm a Communist.
367
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,448
An atheistic, Marxist,
card-carrying, uh--
368
00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,623
Bolshevik.
369
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,059
No, honest!
370
00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:10,279
-You are not.
-I am, too,
371
00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:12,238
you imperialist dog!
372
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:15,415
Klinger... I've never
hit a woman before.
373
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,156
Sir!
374
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:20,507
What do I have
to do to get out?
375
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,465
That's your problem,
Klinger.
376
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,075
I've got a desk
full of my own.
377
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:25,164
Out!
378
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,079
Just think
of it, Margaret!
379
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:30,734
It could be a fortune,
maybe even a million!
380
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:34,434
A m...million!
381
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,000
Oh, Frank!
382
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,480
Say "a million" again,
and then kiss me quick.
383
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,656
BOTH: M...Million!
384
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:42,964
Oh, Margaret,
you'll have everything.
385
00:19:43,007 --> 00:19:45,749
I'll cover you with furs,
perfume, earrings!
386
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:48,056
I'll buy you French
handmade bloomers!
387
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:50,058
-Oh, Frank!
-I'm with you.
388
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:51,146
Let's write her right now!
389
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,061
-Who?
-Your wife.
390
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:55,846
Oh, we can't write her now.
We'd wake her up.
391
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:58,240
-What?
-It's 16 hours earlier there.
392
00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:01,504
If I write her today,
I'll ruin her whole yesterday.
393
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:06,770
Frank, a millionaire can
afford a wife and an ex-wife.
394
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,946
Don't you realize
if there's a divorce,
395
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:11,645
she gets half
of everything?
396
00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:14,691
Frank, your lip
is disappearing again.
397
00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:17,128
Margaret, I've thought
of everything.
398
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:18,826
You can have
your own apartment,
399
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:20,306
and we'll make it
close to my office,
400
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:21,524
you know,
for lunchtimes.
401
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:22,786
Uh-huh.
402
00:20:22,830 --> 00:20:24,484
And I'll pay the rent.
403
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:28,357
And let's say, um, $100
a month for an allowance.
404
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:31,142
I get $400 a month
now as a major.
405
00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:34,233
Margaret, I can't bid against
the United States Army.
406
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,409
I mean, you'll have
your own room and board,
407
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:39,107
and $25 a week clear.
408
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,544
If you invest that
in a Christmas Club--
409
00:20:41,588 --> 00:20:43,546
Get out, Frank.
410
00:20:43,590 --> 00:20:45,505
Out?
411
00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:47,724
You and your
Pioneer Aviation!
412
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,509
Shh, no one's
supposed to know!
413
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:53,382
Pioneer Aviation!
Pioneer Aviation!
414
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:56,167
Pioneer Aviation!
415
00:20:57,691 --> 00:20:59,649
"Dear MaryJo:
416
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:02,435
"Received your letter
and read same.
417
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,698
"You asked me
what my feelings are,
418
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:07,309
"and I believe
what follows are those.
419
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:09,964
"Two things are
number one with me.
420
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:11,879
"Being kind to everyone,
421
00:21:11,922 --> 00:21:14,273
"regardless of race,
creed or sex,
422
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:16,797
if you'll excuse
that four-letter word."
423
00:21:18,668 --> 00:21:22,368
"And also being honest.
Speaking of which,
424
00:21:22,411 --> 00:21:24,326
"I have to tell you,
425
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:27,677
I'm really not a captain,
only a corporal."
426
00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:33,553
"And I am not a doctor,
although I was once a patient.
427
00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:37,208
"Am enclosing a more
recent picture of me,
428
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:38,732
"which will give you
a better idea
429
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:42,475
of the color of my hair
and real length."
430
00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:45,216
"I'll watch for your feelings
431
00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:47,697
"by return mail.
432
00:21:47,741 --> 00:21:50,700
Your pen pal,
Radar O'Reilly."
433
00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:57,185
It any good?
434
00:22:00,275 --> 00:22:02,277
I dub thee 6'2".
435
00:22:20,295 --> 00:22:23,037
Uh, was it
something I said?
436
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,169
I'm gonna grab a Jeep,
437
00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:27,737
drive to Seoul, and catch
the first plane home.
438
00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:30,349
Right after they
shoot you for desertion,
439
00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:32,351
you'll get a ticket
for drunk driving.
440
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:34,178
You got eight rolls
of toilet paper
in there now.
441
00:22:34,222 --> 00:22:36,311
I don't wanna go home
empty-handed.
442
00:22:37,747 --> 00:22:40,054
I gotta see my daughters.
443
00:22:40,097 --> 00:22:43,449
Do you know how long it's been
since I made love to my wife?
444
00:22:43,492 --> 00:22:45,276
At least one daughter ago.
445
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,148
Trap, leaving a war
in the middle
446
00:22:47,191 --> 00:22:48,845
is very upsetting
to those who invited us.
447
00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:51,108
Hey, listen.
448
00:22:51,152 --> 00:22:53,720
I don't like a movie,
I get up and leave.
449
00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:56,679
I don't like the war.
I'm going.
450
00:22:56,723 --> 00:22:59,465
Oh, come on, Trap.
You gotta stick around
to see how it ends.
451
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:01,858
Oh, but it doesn't end.
It's continuous.
452
00:23:01,902 --> 00:23:03,294
When it finishes here,
they take it on the road.
453
00:23:03,338 --> 00:23:07,255
I can catch it
anytime, anyplace.
454
00:23:07,298 --> 00:23:09,257
Hey, let me
buy you a drink.
455
00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:15,611
You guys in blue...
456
00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:17,396
you're doing
a hell of a job.
457
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:22,139
Trap, you'll never
make it home.
458
00:23:22,183 --> 00:23:23,924
Lots of guys do.
459
00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:27,014
I know one guy shipped
himself home in a harp case.
460
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:28,581
That took a lot of pluck.
461
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:36,066
See you in
the funny papers.
462
00:23:36,110 --> 00:23:40,201
-Trap.
-Hey, Hawk, out of the way.
463
00:23:40,244 --> 00:23:41,985
I don't want
to use violence.
464
00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:43,726
Then I will.
465
00:23:49,123 --> 00:23:50,211
Stop him, Frank!
466
00:23:50,254 --> 00:23:51,647
Uh, hey, Frank,
467
00:23:51,691 --> 00:23:53,214
your message service called.
468
00:23:53,257 --> 00:23:54,476
Your brain won't
be ready for a week.
469
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,391
Oh, buzz off.
470
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,871
I can buy and sell you.
471
00:23:57,914 --> 00:24:00,308
Oh, you're so smart.
472
00:24:00,351 --> 00:24:03,006
You got in on
Pioneer Aviation.
473
00:24:03,050 --> 00:24:04,704
I don't know anything
about Pioneer Aviation!
474
00:24:04,747 --> 00:24:06,096
I never saw that letter.
475
00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:07,750
What letter, Frank?
476
00:24:07,794 --> 00:24:10,013
The one I don't know
anything about.
477
00:24:10,057 --> 00:24:12,973
The one that was
under the pillow?
478
00:24:13,016 --> 00:24:14,627
That's the one.
479
00:24:14,670 --> 00:24:16,106
Read this, Trap.
480
00:24:16,150 --> 00:24:17,325
You gotta be kidding.
481
00:24:17,368 --> 00:24:19,109
My eyes are
in my duffel bag.
482
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:20,850
It's to his stockbroker.
483
00:24:20,894 --> 00:24:22,939
"Buy immediately
all shares possible
484
00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:24,898
of Pioneer Aviation."
485
00:24:27,509 --> 00:24:29,032
What's so funny?
486
00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:30,643
There is no
Pioneer Aviation!
487
00:24:30,686 --> 00:24:32,035
I made it up!
488
00:24:32,079 --> 00:24:34,690
-Why?
-To help you look foolish!
489
00:24:36,213 --> 00:24:37,606
I don't need your help.
490
00:24:51,577 --> 00:24:53,143
MAN: Hot stuff!
Gangway! Coming through.
491
00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,320
You gotta get
some more of those.
492
00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:58,366
Get that in.
I can't see.
493
00:24:58,409 --> 00:24:59,802
How's your head?
494
00:24:59,846 --> 00:25:02,588
Fine, if only this guy
wouldn't bleed so loud.
495
00:25:02,631 --> 00:25:04,285
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
496
00:25:04,328 --> 00:25:06,069
Kelly, we need some
more sponges here.
497
00:25:08,985 --> 00:25:10,291
Sponge.
498
00:25:10,334 --> 00:25:12,206
Margaret,
you must believe me.
499
00:25:12,249 --> 00:25:13,729
I'm truly sorry.
500
00:25:13,773 --> 00:25:15,078
Sponge, doctor.
501
00:25:15,122 --> 00:25:16,645
Margaret,
I'll do anything.
502
00:25:16,689 --> 00:25:18,255
I'll get down
on my knees.
503
00:25:18,299 --> 00:25:19,605
I'll kiss your feet.
504
00:25:23,217 --> 00:25:25,393
My tent, 8:00.
35412
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