All language subtitles for MASH.S02E21.Crisis.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

MAN :
Attention!

Senior surgical staff
and Father Mulcahy

report to
Colonel Blake's office

on the double.
Shake it, sirs.

Oh, will you be
serving drinks, sir?

Radar, this is not
a social function.

It's probably the
most serious meeting
I've ever had to call.

This is going to
take all my resources

to guide us through
these rocky waters.

This'll be a real test
of my leadershipmanship.

So...

no booze.

Yes, sir.

Colonel.

Morning, Father. Take a pew.

We're here, Colonel.

Good. Just park
your heinie.

This better be important.
Major Burns is very busy.

It's important.

He certainly
hopes so.

These senseless
meetings

have wasted
enough of his time.

You're in very good
voice today, Frank.

Be sure to wind him up
for the question period.

Hi, Henry.
Skull session?

Where's Pierce?

He'll be along in a minute.

He's giving a nurse
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Ten-hut!

Aw, come on, Pierce.
Can the tomfoolery.

-Morning, Father.
-Good morning.

-Comfortable?
-Yes.

This your
first flight?

All right, people.

I'm gonna give it
to you straight.

Starting right here and now,

we're all going to have to put
our shoulders to the wheel,

our noses to the grindstone.

We've got to hunker
down and pull together,

all for one and one for all.

Welcome to the Henry Blake
Cliché Festival.

I happen to be
serious, McIntyre.

Then stop talking
in samplers.

Our supply line's been cut.

Who did that?

The other side, Frank.

We can't do everything
ourselves.

Radar, will you
read a partial list

of a few of the things we
won't be getting for a while?

Uh, yes, sir.

Ahem.

"Fruit, vegetables,
assorted food,

"fuel oil,
blankets, bandages,

linen replacements,
toilet paper."

-Oh-oh!
-That hurts.

"No mail call,
no electrical parts,

"no flares, no winter
clothing, no playing cards,

no shuttlecocks"--

That does it.

How do they expect
us to fight a war

without shuttlecocks?

If they can fly wounded
in here on choppers,

-why not supplies?
-If Regimental's right,

the fighting's
shifted to the North,

and we won't be
getting any casualties.

That's the same Regimental
that said to Custer,

"One last stand
and then you can go home."

I think HQ knows
what it's doing, buster.

It's galling to hear
officers ridicule command.

I'm not an officer.

Two guys from
the draft board

caught me with
a big butterfly net.

There you go.

There's your lounge
lizard at war.

That one
I gotta write down.

We've all had it
too good too long.

What would have
happened in 1776

if the Minutemen on
their way to Concord

had stopped to worry
about toilet paper?

So we would have
had independence
ten minutes later.

All right, people, let's
put a lid on the bickering.

We're all in this together.

I think this entire unit

should go on immediate
red alert.

Now that makes
good sense.

-I would make it
conditional, however.
-On what?

On what does
"red alert" mean?

Emergency situation.
Drastic measures.

Distribution of power.

Watch it, Henry. This is
how they got the Tsar.

I know what to do,
Pierce.

-Here you go, sir.
-Radar, gimme this
clipboard I got here.

All right, during
this situation of, uh...

Red alert.

Red alert.

The following people
will be in charge

of these things
that they'll, uh,

that they'll be
in charge of.

Uh, fruit, vegetables,
assorted food--

Major Frank Burns.

Here, sir!

He could've fooled me.

Burns, you'll be in
charge of conservation,
distribution,

and the possible
rationing of food.

-Captain McIntyre--
-Yo.

Heat and electrical
power.

Captain Pierce,
maintenance

and general service
and supplies.

Major Houlihan, you will
look after the nurses.

Margaret, I'll trade you
my maintenance

for your nurse
looking-after.

Down, Pierce.

Okay. Now, Radar will
be the housing officer.

Now, before this is over,

we may have to double up
or triple up to save heat.

Radar will decide
who sleeps with who.

Radar, I'd like to see you
right after the meeting.

What's my assignment,
Skipper?

Oh, uh, Father Mulcahy,
of course.

Um... ah!

You'll be in charge
of morale.

"I" for Isaiah, 26.

I-26.

"N" for Nazareth.

N-37.

Bingo! I got it, Father!

All right. Let's review.

What have you got there?

Bingo, sir.
"Nazareth" put me over.

Those are coffee beans.

We're facing a possible
food shortage,

and you're playing
with people's beans.

Father, I'm surprised
at you. Really, Father.

Well, I only thought
for morale purposes--

Lay off the father, Major.

Will you stay out of this?

Where did you get
that mink coat?

I paid for it myself.

"What did you do
in the war, Daddy?"

"Oh, I was latrine
officer, son.

My outfit never made
a move without me."

Hey, should we
leave in the staples?

Damn the staples, man.
This is war.

Everyone has to live
dangerously.

-Hey! Close the door!
-What are you--

Okay, guys,
put it right in here.

What's going on?

New sleeping
arrangements

by order of
Corporal O'Reilly,

housing officer.

Hey!

By order of
Captain McIntyre,

heating officer.

-Radar.
-Sir?

I wanna dictate
an order.

Radar, um,
am I getting taller,

or is the room
shrinking?

Oh, uh... uh, somebody
cut the legs off, sir.

Oh, that's dirty pool.

Well, well, they'll burn
anything to keep warm, sir.

I know, but to cut off
a man's legs

and steal his drawers...

Okay, take an order.

Uh, we're out
of paper, sir.

They burn that, too?

Well, uh...not
right off.

Attention! Due to shortage
of oil and wood,

tonight's movie will be
burned at 1800 hours.

Where did you get
that wood, soldier?

My sister
sent it to me, sir.

Oh.

Ah.

Come in, Frank!

Hi. Is the lady
of the house in?

What are you selling?

That depends.
What are you buying?

Oh, Frank.

You have the perfect
personality in a crisis.

I've got something
better than that.

Oh, Frank, it's so cold.

Wait.

Frank, a baked ham!

-Shh!
-Where did you get it?

As food supply officer,
I was checking the supplies.

I requisitioned it
on a chain of command
priority basis.

-You swiped it.
-Right.

Oh, Frank, how can we eat
when others may go hungry?

We're leaders, Margaret.
We need to be strong.

The others will be weak
because they haven't eaten,

but we'll be strong

because we've got the food
they didn't get.

Frank, when you say it,
it makes so much sense.

You've eaten all
the pineapple, Margaret.

Oh, Frank,
I hate to admit it,

but war can be exciting.

Oh, yes, when God
is on your side.

Who is it?

TRAPPER:
It's the heating officer.

You can't come in!

HAWKEYE: Then we'll
huff and we'll puff,

and we'll blow
your nurse down.

-One-- Just one moment!

That hot plate has to go.

-Who says so?
-He does.

-He's in charge of heat.
-And just who are you?

I'm his helper. He doesn't
like to heat alone.

We're cutting down on
the use of electricity,

except for the hospital.

Has somebody been operating
on a pig in here?

What a dumbbell question.

HAWKEYE:
Trap, you smell it?

Unless I'm mistaken,

we've interrupted
a luau-ectomy.

Take the hot plate
and get out.

-No, no, no!
-Hey!

Frank, let go of that.

I got you covered.

Hello, hello, hello.

-What is it?
-Mr. Minuteman here

has climbed down
off the Washington Monument

long enough to do a little
Valley Forge gorging.

I'm deeply ashamed.

Major Houlihan
had nothing to do with it.

I alone perpetrated
this awful act of greed.

Major, what happened
here tonight

will never
leave this room.

What about the ham?

The ham will have to be put
back from whence it came.

Of course. I'll do it.

No, we'll do it.

How do we know
you're not gonna eat it?

You can give us
a saliva test later.

Captain, Captain.

BOTH: Yeah, yeah.

You're both most gracious.

Say no more, ma'am.

Frank, we'll expect
a hundred dollars
every Tuesday.

Small bills, unmarked,
in a plain envelope.

Oh, you.

We are not.

All personnel must begin
sleeping together tonight.

Check bulletin board

to determine
the sex of your tent.

What's for dinner?
Brick again?

I've gotta heat my cot.

When all this is over,

I'm going to invent
an electric bedpan.

-Yeah, sure.
-Oh, you scoff.

They laughed
at Orville Wright

when he invented
his brother Wilbur.

Said he would never
get him off the ground.

Uhh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Guess I'm your bunk buddy for
tonight.

Welcome aboard, Father.

This is quite a hotel
you have here.

This is where the Ritz
hit the fan.

Where do I sleep?

On anything
that doesn't move.

And if you pray
in your sleep,

please try to mumble.

Of course.

Well, I guess I'll
just brush my teeth now

and hit the old sack.

Roger, Father.

Hi. This is where I'm
supposed to be tonight.

I'm not so sure.
You either need an escort

or you have to wear a necktie.

Where do I park it?

Do you like to
read at night?

Yeah.

Take the cot
next to Frank.

He gives off a glow.

-That one right there.
-Oh.

I never slept in
an officer's tent before.

We'll try to be kind.

Chickie. The house dick.

What's the idea
of the gun, Frank?

It's classic.
The enemy cuts off
your supply lines,

lets you get
cold and hungry,

and then they go right
for your soft underbelly.

That's why
the rifle, fella!

Just like you
to panic, Frank.

Who's panicking?

Well, do you see
anybody else pressing

the soft-underbelly
button?

What's he
doing in here?

Sharing our tent.

Not on your nelly!

You won't catch me sleeping
with an enlisted man.

-Frank.
-Hmm?

Just wrap yourself
in the flag

and go to sleep.

And don't get in bed
with that gun.

That's an order!

A captain can't give
a major an order!

Then it's a threat.

Oh, that's different.

This was a great war
till you guys showed up.

Colonel Blake's party.

Ah, we have your
reservation, sir.

A single bed for yourself
and a cradle for your son.

-Har-har.
-Let's not have

a lot of tongue wagging
in here tonight.

Which bed
should I take, sir?

Oh, well, let me face away
from everybody, Radar,

-on account of my snoring.
-Yes, sir.

Oh, lovely.

Henry, you're joking.

Joking? Ha-ha-ha.

I could be on the
Olympic snoring team.

I snored the siding
half off of my house.

I even got
a fan letter once

from the seismograph
people at Fordham.

How are we supposed
to sleep with that?

Well, if it
gets too bad,

just do what
my wife does.

-What's that?
-Hold me close.

Oh, rats!

I have to go to the sandbox.

Well--

Ow!

Klinger, excuse me.

-Excuse me, sir.
-Sorry.

Ohh!

-Hey, power boss.
-TRAPPER: Yeah.

Can we afford a
little night music?

Yeah, about 30 minutes.

What kind of cold cream
is that, Corporal?

Crème de Menthe.

-My wife uses it.
-Oh?

On her corns.

Oh, Frank, you're all
romance, you devil.

Ah, shut your face!

Any of you sirs
want anything

before I do my nails?

Yeah, what do you say
we all observe

about eight hours of silence?

Excuse me, Burns.

Better keep the brass
monkeys in tonight.

Well, I guess
we're all here.

Our Heavenly Father,

we thank Thee for seeing
us through this day

and ask Thy divine
help for tomorrow.

Same time, same station.

Sorry, Father.

That's quite all right.

Humor, too, is one
of His creations.

It's been years.

Let me see if I can
recall that prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

a bag of peanuts at my feet.

If I should die
before I wake,

give them
to my brother Jake.

MAN :
Attention, all personnel!

Incoming wounded.

Heavy casualties
expected inside the hour.

All personnel on full alert.

They said there weren't
going to be more casualties.

Frank, if I were you,
I'd sue North Korea

for every penny they've got.

All right, everybody,
up and at 'em.

We got ourselves
a new ball game.

All the food,
all the fuel--

patients get
first priority.

Let's move!

I knew all this
was too good to last.

Hello, Regimental?

Uh, yeah, hold on
for Colonel Henry Blake.

Sir, Regimental!

HENRY: Regimental?

Henry Blake here,
MASH 4077th.

Say, uh, we're runnin' out
of just about anything

you guys would care to name--
fuel, rations.

Uh-huh... Yeah.

And newspaper is selling
for one dollar a page.

A dollar a page. Uh-hmm,
yeah, Stars and Stripes,

anything we can get
our hands on. Right.

Now, look, buddy,
what do you say you get on
the stick down there, huh?

Yeah. I--

I realize-- Yes.

Now, wait-- Hey.

Ho-- Just lis--
Now look, buddy,

I bought a lot
of war bonds,

and you are now
talking to a pretty
upset stockholder.

Pickups and scissors.

Pickups, scissors.

-Chisel.
-Yes, Doctor.

Yeah, there you go.

For guys who aren't
supposed to be wounded,

they're doing
a pretty good imitation.

-Kelly clamp.
-Kelly.

Frank, you're
magnificent under stress.

Thank you.

MAN : Attention,
all surgical personnel.

Electrical power
will be cut by 10%.

And please use whole blood

only when absolutely
necessary.

Try not to bleed,
huh, fella?

Can you believe that?

All they can send us
is casualties.

Everything else
they run out of.

Okay, clamp
that artery.

It's bleeding
against orders.

This place ought to be called
Benedict Arnold Hospital!

Hey, Frank made a joke.

I think we ought to get
a second opinion on that.

-Sponge.
-Sponge.

♪ Comrades, comrades

♪ Ever since
we were boys ♪

♪ Sharing each
other's sorrows ♪

♪ Sharing each
other's joys ♪

"Uninhibited nurse interested
in Nietzsche, Freud,

"Beethoven,
and Pre-Colombian art

"will spend evening
with anybody

with five pieces of wood."

"Hungry? Cold?
Tired of it all?

"Come to Tent 9.

"Change into
something comfy,

"put on mask and wait.

No appointment
necessary."

Uh, sir, we're gonna have
to set up in here tonight.

It's a smaller tent,
less heat required.

I understand, Radar.

Uh, Radar, what's
the poop on the overall
situation, status-wise?

Oh, we're not too bad, sir.

Uh, the, uh, food's
holding out,

and the fuel's okay.

We are having
a little trouble

with the, uh,
T-paper shortage.

Oh?

People are breaking
into the fortune cookies.

And I really feel that we
girls have held up our end

of this critical situation

in true-blue
American fashion.

When this is over,

I will personally
send in a commendation

for those who have acted in
the Yankee Doodlest manner.

Good night, girls.

NURSES:
Good night, Major.

KLINGER:
Good night, Major.

Klinger! Out!

HAWKEYE:
Frank, stop swinging.

Well, I can't help it.

What time does this tent
land at Ellis Island?

Hey, can we put a lid
on the chatter?

I'd like to get
some shuteye.

FRANK:
Hear, hear.

-Radar?
-Sir?

You wear boots to bed?

Well, just in case
I have to, uh...

you know.

Aw, Radar,

I wish
you hadn't said that.

-Henry?
-Hmm?

Not again?

Mm-hmm.

I'd give $5.00 if somebody'd
go to the latrine for me.

I'd go.

That'd be 2.50, Henry.

No sense fighting it.

Henry, I think you're ready
for your 3,000-mile check.

Ha-ha.

-Hi!

-Guys and sirs.
-Ohh.

Hi.

Klinger, you promised
to be home by 10:00.

Major Houlihan threw me
out of the nurses' tent.

She found out I was a man.

You gotta get up pretty
early in the morning

to fool Major Houlihan.

Look out, folks.

TRAPPER: Bring back
a copy of tomorrow's
New York Times.

Oh, that's very
funny, McIntyre.

Maybe there's
a review of the war.

Just our luck,
it'll be a hit

and we'll be here
for five years.

Just go to sleep,
will ya?

Radar, save my place.

TRAPPER: Hey, let's
everybody go to sleep fast

before he comes back.

Could you believe that
snoring he did last night?

Speaking of noise,
why don't you shut
your yaps?

Martha, we're
going to have to move.

The people upstairs
are impossible.

Oh, knock it off,
you foul balls.

Now, now, fellows, this
should be our finest hour.

Father, your cross
keeps sticking me.

Oh! Forgive me, son.

Frank, why aren't you
sleeping with a blanket?

None of your beeswax.

Everybody else
is freezing.

It's my metabolism.
I'm hyperthyroid.

Very low blood pressure,

very low
body temperature.

That comes from being
dead for two years.

Hey, his feet are hot.

What are you
doing with hot
feet, Frank?

His socks
are hot, too.

You keep your nose
out of my socks!

He's wired.
Look, a battery!

They're hunting socks.
I got a bra like that.

Maybe I'll sleep
in the nurses' tent.

What am I saying?

Share some
of that heat, Frank!

Don't you dare unplug me!

Hey, what the
hell's going on?

Frank's tootsies
are wired and he
won't share them.

-His what?
-They're hunting socks, sir.

At this hour?

I'll get the bingo cards
set up for breakfast.

Take off his socks!

Oh, for crying
out loud!

Father, it's cold
out there.

Want my stole?

Oh, why,
thank you, my son.

We're desperate,
Frank!

-Yeah, give us your socks!
-No!

Well, then,
put your feet in my
pocket for an hour.

Are you crazy?

Give me your toe, Frank.
Lemme hug your ankle.

Hey, hey, hey!
Now, come on!

Let's not turn
into animals.

Gimme that back!

McIntyre!
Pierce!

Those are my socks!
Those are my batteries!

-Whoa!
-RADAR: Aah!

Henry, did you
call Regimental yet?

Yes, I called Regimental,

and they said they're
doing their best.

You know,
there are people
at the Alamo

still waiting
for supplies.

Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe!

♪ The boys are marching

Kocher.

Here you go.

-Major.
-Yes, Doctor?

You're dedicated
to the sanctity
of the human life?

Of course.

-Blow in my ear.
-What?

I'm so cold, I think
my pilot's gone out.

-3-0 chromic.
-3-0 chromic.

I don't know whether
to close this patient

or crawl inside him.

-Sir?
-Yo.

I got some great news.

Well, tell me what it is,
and then burn it.

Uh, Regimental called.

Collect, right?

No, they sent us
a ton of stuff,

a whole truck full.
Oil, warm clothes,

steaks, hotdogs,
hamburgers, firewood,

everything we need.

Yeah, all right,
settle down, people.

That stuff'll be out
there waiting for us.

First things first.
Forceps.

Ha-ha! I told you
the army'd come through!

Right again, Frank.

My one regret is
I didn't live to see it.

-Metzenbaum scissors.
-Metz.

Uh-huh.

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Now don't get me
wrong, Corporal.

I'm very grateful
for all the supplies.

Yes.

I mean, you guys
saved our lives.

You're welcome.

No, it's-it's
just my office.

Uh, it's my office.

Yeah, well, you see,
during the recent crisis,

people had this
aversion to freezing,

so they just burned anything
that didn't move or salute.

Isn't it?

I mean, I'm talkin' to you

from deep inside
a real big empty.

Uh-huh.