All language subtitles for MASH.S02E20.As.You.Were.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Hey, Radar.
Don't you know another song?

He doesn't even know
that one.

Radar, you could be arrested
for felonious fingering.

MAN :
Attention, all personnel.

Since there are no
casualties again today,

tonight's midnight movie
will be seen at 9:00
this morning.

Also, midnight
will be cancelled.

Ah, good morning,
Colonel Blake.

Improving the outer man,
I see.

Excuse me, Father.
You're blocking the sun.

Hmm? Oh. Oh.
Well, let there be light.

-I don't believe it.
-BURNS: Little to the left.

That's it. Ah!

Steady as she goes.

Frank? What's going on here?

Everything all right
at home, Frank?

Can't talk now.

That ketchup bottle
wants to be just a hair
to starboard.

Ah! All right.

Let me handle this.
I did a year at Bellevue.

What are you
doing, Frank?

Well, if you'll kneel
at the end of the tent

and get the tabletop
at eye level,

you will see that each
bottle of ketchup

lines up behind
the others

as if there's only
one bottle of ketchup.

Now, the same is true
of your condiments,

which, if you will note,

are arranged according
to height and popularity.

There's your ketchup,
your mustard, your relish,

your mayonnaise,
your oil and vinegar,
your salt and pepper

and your sweet and sour
gherkins all in a row.

I think we should do
something with Frank's head
and mail it back to him.

In a jar.

Perfecto!

-KLINGER: Father Mulcahy,
are you in?

And open for business.

Ah, Klinger.
Very smart outfit.

You busy, Father?

Just washing my feet.

Parenthetically,

did you know that it was
the custom on Holy Thursday

for the pope to wash
a poor man's feet?

-So?
-Well, there's
not much chance

of His Holiness
showing up here,

so I thought I'd do my own.

But seriously, Klinger,
what can I do for you?

Well, Father,
it's so quiet around here,

what do they need me for?

I'd like to get your opinion
of this letter.

"Dear General Mitchell,
Here's one more picture
of myself

"to prove I am mentally
unbalanced and deservant
of a psychological discharge.

You will notice
that the dress I am wearing"

-Oh, dear.
-"Is an exact copy

"of the one Rita Hayworth
wore in 'Gilda.'

"At least it's close.
I only saw the picture once

"and I was sewing
from memory.

"I'm a desperate man,
General,

"and unless you give me
the discharge,

"I will send the picture
to your wife

"and tell her you've been
seeing me on the side.

Yours truly, Corporal Klinger,
MASH, 4077th."

-What do you think, Father?
-Klinger,

the Lord moves
in mysterious ways,

but you take the cake.

BURNS:
Hey, get me outta this!

Is anybody there?

Anybody where, Frank?

Get me out of here,
you animals!

-Out of where, Frank?

I'm boxed in!

We all feel that way
at times, Frank.

You guys will
pay for this!

Take it easy, Frank.
The pilot says we'll be
in Chicago in an hour.

Hey, guys, let's, uh,
settle down, huh?

Folks, I'd really
like to get started.

I'd really like
to get-- Uh, Radar?

Quiet!

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Well, being as how we've got
so much spare time on our
hands lately,

I thought I'd deliver
the required commanding
officer's

monthly, uh, orientation
lecture this morning,

rather than wait
for another time,

which while we have it,
why not use it, huh?

So, uh, if you guys
are ready,

why, we'll start
with today's subject.

Which is what, Henry?

I'm going to answer
questions later, Mclntyre.

can you give us the subject
first, just in case

we can't tell what it is
from your talk?

Could you quiet up?

No, seriously, guys,
this is a, uh,

not an easy lecture
to give,

and I'd appreciate the, uh,
fullest of your total
attention on this.

Uh, Radar?

Yes, sir.

-There we go.

I think I'll check
on my candle shipment.

Okay, let's simmer down.
Radar, do you want to...

Yes, sir.

Well, here are
our old friends...

Figure "A" and Figure "B."

Man, woman. Mom, dad.
Boy, girl.

Maggie and Jiggs.

Now, uh, whether a person
be an "A" or a "B,"

he or she
is blessed with a...

-I mean...

Okay, after all, I, uh,
I guess I don't have to

tell you what you Figure B's
are blessed with.

The human body,
you know, can--

whether she be "A"
or he be "B"--

can find itself with
a certain kind of, um,
medical trouble.

What kind of trouble
is that, Henry?

Uh, I'll come to that later.

I may not be awake then.

Now, guys, uh, some
of you are going, uh,

back home to your wives.

Some of you are going back
to your sweethearts.

And some, for all I know,
are going back to both.

I've heard this guy.
He's great.

Irregardless of what
you've got waiting,
I mean, uh,

you owe it to
that waitee to return home

with a clean mind
and a clean body.

-Because, like I like to say,

"Clean is as clean does
and clean does
as clean thinks."

Henry!

Figure "A"just
fell asleep.

Mclntyre, we can do
without the levity.

Will you stop "levitting"?

Well, uh, excuse me.

"Difficult, you ask?"

Of course.

Well, I can understand
that question

having just
asked it myself.

I think it is difficult, men.

Uh, um, I mean, really.
You're, uh...

It's Saturday night.
You got a 24-hour pass.

-You're 20,000 miles from home.
-You can't make it. I tried.

You walk into a bar,
and it's full of "B" girls.

Shh!

Now, you guys know
what I'm talking about, men.

Resist. You know what I mean?
Use your heads.

Use your common sense.
Come on now.

Quit giggling, guys.

-I'm gonna level with you.

Shh!

You've got to
fight temptation.

I mean, now look. Okay.

Whatever you do,
don't run the risk
of catching today's subject.

Are there any
questions at all?

-Radar?
-Uh, sir, I just
have one question.

-What is it?
-Uh, do you suppose
that someday

you could give us
a talk on V.D.?

-Hey! Bravo!
-Hey! Bravo!

Excuse me.

You want that card?

Uh, no.

Packages for you, sirs.

From the Peerless Costume
Company, Philadelphia?

-Hey!

-That's it!
-They got here!

-Yeah!
-Terrific!

Hey, this will liven
the joint up.
Thanks, Klinger.

-Yes, sir.
-Hey, I like it.

-I just made it.
-I don't know how
you do it on your salary.

-Hey.
-Ain't that beautiful?

Frank, you've got
to do it sometime.

Why can't you
face your hernia?

I don't want
to be operated on.

Now is the perfect time.

The O.R.'s quiet,
and they're not busy.

Before I'd let them operate,
I'd wear an iron truss.

Fair is fair.
They're excellent surgeons.

Oh, they're all flash.

I mean, so they save
their patients.

Neither one of them
owns his own car.

Frank, they can relieve
your pain.

Fat lot those two Bulgarians
care about my pain.

Did I tell you
about the boxing?

They didn't
hit you, Frank.

No, they crated me
in my sleep.

No, you never told me.

I don't tell you
half their stunts.

-Did I mentioned the oatmeal
in my gas mask?
-Yes, you did.

How about when they stapled
a whole roll of my toilet paper?

Frank, they're
beneath contempt.

They're not fit to shine
your clusters.

And you're asking me
to put myself into their hands?

Yes. It's true
they're incorrigible.

They're also two of
the very best surgeons
I've ever seen.

Oh? Really?

Well, where do you stand
on yours truly?

-Oh, Frank.
-No, let's have it out.

As professionals.
Nurse to doctor.

How do I rate with you
as a surgeon?

Oh, Frank, don't you
have enough pain?

PIERCE:
Let's see.
You're holding tens.

-Take a card! Pick a card!
-Don't rush me!

What was
the knock card?

Frank, it's for your own good.
You need this operation.

Well, when they have me open,
who knows what they'll stick in.

Oh, they wouldn't.
They're not inhuman.

Pierce?
Mclntyre?

What is it,
Frank?

Take off those masks!

Take off those suits!

We will
if you will.

Where did you get
those costumes?

What costumes?

The costumes
you're wearing.

These aren't costumes.
We stopped shaving last month.

Margaret, how
can I possibly?

Be strong, Frank.
Go ahead.

I want to talk to you
both as doctors.

What's the problem,
Frank?

Well, um, I've
had this condition

that's needed attention
for about ten years.

Why do people
always wait so long

before they go
to their gorilla?

Will you be serious?
This man has a hernia.

Um, I would like to ask you

if you'd consider
operating on me.

One moment.
I'll have to check
with my colleague.

We'll do it...
me and the missus.

-Margaret!
-I'll be here every moment.

If anything should happen,
would you write my wife?

Are you out of your mind?

Evenin', chillun!
How y'all?

Oh, Lord!

Let's hear it now for
that great star

of stage, screen
and surgery...

Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

his dirty fingernails
and his orchestra!

Thank you for that
very fine introduction.
Thank you. Thank you.

And now, ladies and germs,
with your very kind permission,

we'd like to do a little
operation we've had a lot
of luck with.

And we certainly hope
it turns out to be
one of yours.

You said you would be serious!

Oh, quite right.
Give the patient a local.

-Rusty needle, please.
-Oh!

MAN :
Attention, all personnel.

Attention! Incoming wounded!
Incoming wounded!

Well, the party's over.

Aw, Back in business,
damn it!

-Get up, Frank.
-Well, what about my hernia?

Keep it for a few days.
If you like it, it's yours.

Suit up, Frank.
We're promoting you
from patient to doctor.

You can do it.
Just cut along
the dotted line.

Don't look.

He's an idiot,
but he's really stacked.

All right.
Step right up, folks.
The war is back in town.

-Post and pre-op personnel
stand by.
-All right. Come on.

Ambulance drivers report
to their stations immediately.

-Sponge.

MAN: Suture.

Well, they certainly didn't
forget how to hurt each other.
Rib cutter.

-Rib cutter.
-BLAKE: Uh, Sheila, start
another unit of whole blood.

This is gonna be a long one.

MCINTYRE: You doing okay?
All right. Gimme a sponge.

-Come on, move your
pretty bottom, honey.
-Sorry, Doctor.

-Tie that off.
-MAN : Attention.

Due to continuing
heavy incoming casualties,

the mess tent
will remain open all night.

And that ends the 8:00
food warning. Scalpel.

-You got a pretty
good tan, Henry.
-Well, I'm paying for it now.

BLAKE: I hope this guy
doesn't toss in his sleep.

MCINTYRE: Gimme another one.
Hold this. Hold this.

Gimme another clamp.
Hurry up! Let's go! Fast!

NURSE:
We need some more sponges here.

Frank, how do you feel?

I'd be a lot better
without the chatter in here.

Is that nice?
After all the trouble

I went through
lining things up.

-Lining what things up?
-If you get down at the end
of the room,

you'll see the gallbladders
are all in one line.

Then the livers,
then colons...

all the organs arranged
according to height
and popularity.

Oh, can the malarkey!

Hey! Did anyone remember
to light up the Red Cross sign?

BLAKE: Hell's bells.
I just paid the bill.

-Try the three. Hold that.
-Colonel?

-Yo!
-You busy?

Not at all.

I'm just telling this man's
fortune by reading his bowels.

Supply sent me.
We're dangerously low
on whole blood.

Aw, wouldn't that
strip your gears?

For two weeks, we've been
sitting around on our duffs.

While we could have
been bleeding into bottles.

All right. Watch the finger,
will you, Mclntyre?

-I'm sorry.
-Organize some donors, Father.

-Get plenty of blood.
-Yeah, you've just been
promoted to vampire.

-Turn in your cross.
-MCINTYRE: You got that?

-That is my finger!
-All right.

Uh, hello?
Yeah, 789th Artillery?

Yeah, this is 4077th MASH.
Corporal O'Reilly.

Uh, Listen.
We're getting a lot of
near misses here.

Can you find out
who's doing it?

You're doing it?

Listen, buddy.
We're a hospital.

How would you like it
if we fired patients at you?

What?

Those are your orders?

To knock the enamel
off of 500 bedpans?

Who gave you those orders?

Wait a minute.
Hold on. What?

MAN: That's it.
Go take this to the E.R.

This is very
good of you all.

Don't get up too fast, now.
Have some orange juice.

-Oh, Klinger, how good of you.
-It's ridiculous.

A million miles from home,
laying on a table like
a centerpiece

and somebody's
siphoning me for blood.

Well, don't talk too much.
Donating can make you dizzy.

I know. I brought along
a pair of low heels.

MCINTYRE:
Okay, remove that clamp.

We're in the homestretch
now, honey.

Yes, doctor.

-PIERCE: This neighborhood
is going to hell.
-BLAKE: Any minute now.

BURNS: Okay, you close.
I've done the important part.

How'd everything
go today, dear?

Kindly do not
block the aisles!

Oh! Ow!

-What is it?
-My hernia!

-Strangulated, Frank?
-I think so.

-Henry!
-I'm up to my wrists in guts.

-Trap?
-No, I can't.
I got an open chest here.

-Can you close?
-Yes, Doctor.

-Old chromic, right?
-Right.

-Frank, you sure?
-You gotta operate now!

Frank, all the tables
are taken.

I don't need a table!
Do it anywhere!
Do it on the floor!

Frank, if we
do it on the floor,
I'll have to clean it up.

-Somebody throw me a nurse.
-HOULIHAN: Murphy!

-Gimme a hand, will you?
-What are you doing?

-We may not have to operate.
-Well, where are we going?

-The Mayo Clinic.
I know the headwaiter.
-Oh!

Regimental headquarters?

This is MASH 4077th.
Major O'Reilly speaking.

We're getting a mess
of artillery fire here

and I'm told that
you people ordered it.

I want it stopped right now,
and that's an order!

What?

Uh, well, I'm, uh, 19.

Look, buddy, my C.O.
told me to call. He's busy!

Well-- Try who?

All right.
Wait a minute. Hold on.

You think
this will work?

It's been known
to happen, Frank.

The intestine might
slip back into place.

All the blood's
rushing to my head.

I can't understand
the attraction.

Don't worry, Frank.
We'll fix you up.

You'll be walking all over
people again in no time.

-Really?

-What was that?
-Nothing, Frank.

The folks down the block
wanna kill us.

-Oh!
-It's for the pain, Frank.

Oh!

You have so much to do,
and I'm a bother.

-Yes, Frank, you're a bother.
-I'm a pest and a nuisance.

Yes, Frank, you're a pest
and a nuisance and a bother.

You're only saying
that to make me feel good.

Right, Frank.

It was naughty of you
to pack me in a crate.

I could have suffocated.

No chance.
We made airholes.

And we put lettuce in.
And a carrot.

And some shredded newspaper
in case you had an accident.

Fred?

Yes, Frank.

Do you think
the principal saw us?

Corporal.

-Let me see if
I've got this right.
-All right, go ahead, Father.

-Forceps.
-Forceps.

You want a B.L.T.
on wheat toast.

-Hold the mayo.
-Right. And a chocolate shake.

All right,
let's tie this vessel,

then we'll start
on the bladder.

-Right.
-Chocolate shake.

-Thick.
-You got it.

Come on, sweetie.
Let's go.

-Trapper, can I take your order?
-It's about time.

I've been trying to get
a priest for half an hour.

Oh, this is not
my table.

If my hands could talk,
they'd scream.

I'm raw from
all this scrubbing.

Why don't you
see a doctor?

How would you like
a swift kiss in the mouth?

-How is he?
-He's fine.

But he may never move
the piano again.

We got him on his head
and sedated.

If it doesn't reduce itself,
I'll have to operate.

-That's very decent
of you, Pierce.
-Well, I owe it to him.

-Of course.
-After all,
he gave me his place

in the lifeboat
when the Titanic went down.

I vowed I'd save his life
one day, since he gave
his up for mine.

Oh!

How's Frank?

He's on his head
at a 45-degree angle,

talking through
his belly button.

-How's business?
-Jumping. I'm taking a break.

Eh, shut up.

Rough, huh?

Plenty.

Want a puff?

Thanks.

-I'm taking ten minutes.
-I'm on ten minutes.

Between us, we got
20 minutes. Let's go!

That's what I said, soldier,
Lieutenant Colonel O'Reilly.

I wanna know where you
division people come off

shelling so close
to a hospital.

Would you repeat
that, Sergeant?

Rizzo? Tony?

Tony, this is Radar.

Hey, listen.
What are you guys doing?

Change your fire,
will you?

About 15 degrees west.

Come on, Tony.
Do it, huh?

And move your azimuths!

Metzenbaum scissors.

Sirs!
Sirs, got a minute?

-What is it, Klinger?
-A pregnancy problem, sir.

Klinger. Klinger!

Who is he, Klinger?
He's got to marry you.

Come on. There's
a Korean lady out here.

We timed her.
She's in labor.

All right.
Get her on the last table.
Houlihan?

I'll take care of it.

Now we're
delivering babies.

Hope it's not a boy.
They'll draft him.

All right, gangway.
Got a hot major here.

PIERCE: All right, put him
on the second table there.

-What's his story?
-He's zonked out of his skull.

Hi, gang. Shall we open
our presents now?

He's prepped and ready.
You wanna do him?
I'm not scrubbed.

Yeah, okay.
George, you wanna--
you wanna take over for me?

How you doing, Frank?

Honest, Dad,
the maid's a liar.

Terrific.
Kocher, please.

-Frank, are you all right?
-Yes, Mother.

-KLINGER: Colonel Blake?
-Be right there.

-PIERCE: Oh, what is this?

Go ahead. It's all yours,
George. Take over.

BLAKE: Just sewed a towel
to this guy's stomach.

-All right, put him under.
-He said he wanted to watch.

Well, then we'll
invite him by later.

Go ahead. Fill him up.

We're gonna
have a baby here.

-MCINTYRE: Well, I'm ready.

What did I say?

BLAKE:
They got the generator.

-PIERCE: I need light.
-BLAKE: All right. All right.

Let's not panic
until it's necessary.

I said west, Tony. West.

BLAKE: You're doing just fine.
Take deep breaths.

MCINTYRE: Okay, next body.

NURSE: That was your
last body, Doctor.

MCINTYRE:
You're much too modest, kid.

BLAKE:
Well, looky here.

-Margaret.
-You're all right, Frank.

-I am?
-You're fine. It's all over.

-What's that?

You and Margaret
are the parents of
a five-pound baby hernia.

Attention.
Attention, all personnel.

No casualties expected
for indefinite period.

A.F.R.S. announces
the release

of Nazi war criminal
Alfred Krupp.

Everybody's goin' home
but us.

♪ You'll never know ♪

♪ Just how much

♪ I miss you

♪ You'll never know

♪ Just how much I care

MCINTYRE:
Two martinis, please.

PIERCE: And don't
spare the bananas.

You come here
often, honey?