All language subtitles for MASH.S02E18.Operation.Noselift.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Where was I?

"To: General Mitchell,
HQ, Seoul.

Subject: Reply to Report

of 'Conduct Unbecoming
a Commanding Officer',

filed by Majors Houlihan
and Burns."

Boy, those two poops
are gonna drive me dippy.

Yes, sir.

All right. Here we go.

While it is true

that, during our recent
Mardi Gras celebration

I did appear as King Neptune,

I wish to point out

that the costume
worn by said King Neptune

covered my body completely
from the waist down,

including your pelvic region.

Including your
pelvic region.

Right, pelvic region.

Furthermore, and to wit--

-To what?
-To wit.

...the rhinestone
I wore in my belly button

offended nobody.

Is "belly button"
one word, sir?

Hmm?

Is "belly button"
one word?

Radar, the good Lord
gave us one belly

and one button
for said belly.

Therefore it is two words.

-Belly...
-Belly...

-Button.
-Button.

-Good boy.
-Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

And, uh, in conclusion,
I think...

a little relaxation
is essential...

for my men and I.

Or should that be "me?"

Should what be "me," sir?

Should "I" be "me?"

Do you have any choice?

Never mind. Where was I?

Ten-hut!

-What is it?
-Sir,

request permission
to return prisoner

Private Daniel Baker
to your custody, sir.

All right, I'll handle it
from here on, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

What are you trying
to do to me?

-Radar!
-Here's his file, sir.

It just
isn't fair, Baker.

I'm goin' flat out
all the time

just trying to run
this squirrel cage

without the aggravation

of you going AWOL
every ten minutes.

It just isn't fair.

Yes, sir.

Well, what is it, son?

You get ice cream
on Sundays,

no bed check, movies.

We had The Thingand The Blob
both in one week.

Yes, sir!

I mean, if it weren't
for the war,

we'd be really
having a good time.

Although what the hell
we'd be doing over here

without a war,
I can't tell you.

So maybe it's just as
well there's one going on,

if you follow
the way I've drifted.

Yes, sir.

Well...

It's more than quite
clear that your case

calls for stern measures.

The only problem is

I'm just not good at
discipline, you know?

I mean, it took me
over six months

to house-break my dog.

Of course, there was
a newspaper strike

at the time.

I just don't know
what to do with you.

Uh, this message
just came in.

Oh, thank you.

I'm gonna send you
to Father Mulcahy.

He can be a big help.

Did you ever hear him speak?

I don't go to
his services, sir.

Oh, I don't, either.
I avoid church religiously.

He's a good man.
A very wise man.

Now, just relax, son.

Okay, Father, but I think
you should know

I'm not a Catholic.

Nobody's perfect, my boy.

If it makes you
more comfortable,

forget I'm a priest.

Let's just kick it around,
as they say, man-to-man.

I can't talk about it.

Well, I'm very good
at keeping secrets.

Why, there are some things
I won't even tell myself.

What is it, son?

You're lookin' at it.

I don't think I follow.

You're starin' at it,

like everybody does, Father,

only you're too polite
to say anything.

If it's your nose--

What else could it be?

There's only the three
of us in here.

My son, we are all made
in God's image.

Well, then He must have
a schnoz the size o' Texas.

Ah, forgive me, Father.

But do you know
what it is to live

with a blower like this?

It's ruining my life.

I think you're making it

the repository
of all your troubles.

I keep running away
to hospitals

to get a nose job,

but they won't touch me.

How about
our doctors here?

They only operate
if you're wounded.

What do I do?
Stick a grenade up my nose?

Not that it hasn't
got room for it.

Come with me, Danny.

His sending you to me

only reinforces my opinion
of Colonel Blake.

Just want to mark
my place.

Uhh...

jawbone of an ass.

Baker, all a nose is
is a nose.

It takes in air,
and breaks up the space

between your eyes
and your mouth.

It has nothing to do with
a person's value or quality.

It's there to
catch a cold through,

or at which look down
on people from. Enjoy it.

You've been given a good,
strong, aquiline nose.

That went back
for seconds.

I like it.
It's got character.

Yeah, it's got a certain
assertive je ne sais quoi.

And it arrives everywhere
five minutes ahead of me.

Hey, you don't have
a copyright on it, ya know.

There're plenty of great
people with big probosci.

You know why Napoleon always
kept his hand down here?

He was scratching his nose.

Ah, look...
I appreciate,

and you're only tryin'
to make me feel better.

It's only true.

But you don't have
to live with the jokes.

"Uh, excuse me, but my bus
is late and it's raining.

Mind if I stand
under your nose?"

"Ever thought of
puttin' it in an attic?"

At my draft board
the guy next to me says,

"You could be IV-F.

Just tell 'em
you're an anteater."

What about it?

The point is, kid,
we're not plastic surgeons.

Yeah, it's not
a tough operation,

but it's a specialty.

I mean, we just don't
want to de-nose-ify you.

We want it done right.

It's also against
regulations.

You think this is regulation?

Please!

What happens after the army?

What happens with
the rest of my life?

What about girls?
Ever think of that?

All the time.

Listen, there are a lot
of people who think

a big nose is a sign
of sexual potency.

Sorry, Father.

I just translate things
like that into Latin.

Makes them sound noble.

Will you do it?

I'd even pay.

You sure?

We might charge you
up to a dollar.

50 cents a nostril.

You guys serious?

We will set the trusty,
rusty wheels

of the army in motion.

Have faith, my boy.

Do you guys have any idea

how much hot water
I'm in already?

I mean, I'm in it
right up to my rear bumpers.

-Give us a minute, Henry.
-No.

You know Danny Baker?

Yeah. The kid
that keeps going AWOL.

I swear he's just using us
for his mailing address.

Have you ever noticed
his nose, Henry?

Ooh, that's quite a hooter.

There's one bazoo that's
begging for a salami slicer.

That's the trouble, Henry.

If he could get it bobbed,
his problem would be over.

Cosmetic surgery
is against army regulations.

Another good reason
to do it.

This is the perfect
time, Henry.

We haven't had any
casualties for a week.

You suppose the war is over
and they haven't told us?

Oh, don't be silly.

I was very specific
at the draft board.

I said I need
two weeks' notice

to look for another war.

Henry, you know who's a major
down at Tokyo General?

Who?

You ever hear
of Stanley Robbins?

Yeah, sure,
the plastic surgeon.

He does all those
Hollywood people.

He's doing burn therapy

and a bit of face-lifting
for generals' wives.

He does that?

He's taken out
enough puff

from their eyelids
to make a comforter.

He's an old friend
of mine, Henry.

We did a residency
together.

We could have him
here in an hour,

working on Baker's beak.

Don't tell me.
I don't wanna know about it.

You guys have
my full permission,

and I never said that.

I mean, I'm not even here,
so how could I?

-Radar.
-Sir?

Make an entry in
the daily report

that I wasn't here today,

and bring it to me
so I can sign it.

Sir, if you sign it,
it'll show you were here.

-Then you sign it for me.
-Yes, sir.

-Should I sign your name?
-You'll have to

'cause I'm gonna say
it was a forgery.

Yes, sir.

Well, no sense hanging
around if I'm not here.

Major Stanley Robbins
on the telephone.

Tokyo General.

You sure you can
get him up here?

No sweat. I know just
which button to push.

Hello, Stosh?
Hawkeye Pierce.

I didn't catch you in
the middle of anybody, did I?

Good.

Uh, listen, uh...

No, everything's
very slow around here.

Stosh, I wanna hit you
for a favor.

We got a-- We got a kid
here with a-- with a nose

that's-that's right
up your alley.

He really needs a job.

Oh, you're not free, huh?

Gee, that's a shame.

The Barracuda will
really be disappointed.

Stosh, you and I have
taken out some nurses
in our time,

but this is really
Florence-what-a-Nightingale.

Well, listen,
if you can't make it,

you can't make it.

What?

See you in two hours.

So long, Stosh.

-Uh, question.
-Yeah.

Which nurse is
the Barracuda?

As soon as he finds out,
we'll be the first to know.

Hey, whoa!

Hey, Stosh,
how you doin'?

Hawkeye!
How's the action?

Trapper John McIntyre.

Stanley, pleasure.
Heard a lot about you.

Maybe we can
be friends anyway.

Well, I've seen
the garbage dump.
Where's the camp?

This is it.
Downtown 4077th.

You guys gotta
be kidding.

This is a khaki
slide area.

Home away
from home, Stosh.

If I were you,
I'd call in an air strike

and start all over again.

Radar!

Hi, Hawkeye.
Hi, Trapper.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-She's not the one?
-No, she's not the one, no.

To you
she's not the one.

What's wrong with
a little appetizer?

Radar, you wanna get
the major's bag, please?

Yes, sir.

See that face?
It can be saved.

How's everything
in Tokyo, Stosh?

-Never stops, 'round the clock.
-Rough, huh?

Yeah, sometimes I get
in a little surgery.

Hey, who broke my doll?

I didn't know you guys
had a mental ward.

HAWKEYE: That, Dr. Ripley,
is our commanding officer.

Do I salute
or test his reflexes?

Henry, Major Robbins.
Colonel Henry Blake.

Oh, well, welcome
aboard, Major.

Thank you, sir.

So,

you're the well-known
surgeon to the stars, huh?

Henry's very impressed
with your work, Stosh.

You betcha I am.

Done a lot of pulling
and tightening

on those movie people
out there, have ya?

Which ones?

Gimme a name.
Just one name.

Colonel, you're a doctor.

Gotcha. Ethics.

Then gimme some initials.
I'll take it from there.

S.S.

S.S.?

Um, male or female?

Yeah.

Um, Sylvia Sidney.

No.

Uh, Slim Summerville?

That's beautiful.

Sid Caesar!

Here you go, Stosh.
The VIP Tent.

This is it?

Yeah.

Where do you
flush this room?

Stanley, let's remember
what you're here for.

All right.
Where is she?

The nose first.

Whatever she wants.

I'll go round up Baker.

Hi, kids.
Slip into the wrong tent?

Ah, here are
the very lovely Major
Margaret Houlihan

and the even lovelier
Major Frank Burns.

Major Stanley Robbins.

-Major.
-Major.

Major.

Did anyone ever tell you,
with a little work,

you could have
the jowls of a goddess?

Oh. Major.

Tremendous jowl potential.

Ahem. We've all sure heard
of you, Major Robbins.

You know, jowls
can be the most sensual
part of a woman,

after the soft underside
of the kneecap.

Just relax, Major.
Honey.

Some of this fatty tissue'd
have to come off, of course.

Uh, Stosh?

Um, to what do we owe

the honor
of this visit, Major?

Social. We go way back.

Actually, he built me
in his laboratory.

And it's time for
his 3,000-mile checkup.

Turn your head
and cough.

Nice of you two
to pay your respects,

but, uh, the major
will only here a while,

so if you'll excuse us...

Oh, certainly.
A great pleasure, Major.

If you ever want to reach me,
I'm at Tokyo General.

Just leave the message
"Jowls--" I'll know.

Very exciting type.
Spatulate fingers.

One drink,
they tear you apart.

Save yourself for
the big game, Stosh.

When do I meet her?

As soon as you chop a few
feet off of Baker's nose.

A plastic surgeon
in a field hospital.

Well, don't you think they're
up to something sneaky?

If you do, I do, Frank.

I trust your
sneaky instincts.

How does that one
strike you?

And remember, a nose job
is not a haircut.

If you don't like it,
it won't grow back.

Gee, I-I don't know.

Très sportif.

I bet it cuts down
on wind resistance.

Leave this to me, huh?

You two guys livin' in
the armpit of the universe,

and you're tryin' to help
a world-famous artist?

-Could I see another one?
-Of course.

Gee, I never realized how
hard it is to pick a nose.

Do me a favor, huh?

Big winner.
Very popular number.

This job paid
for two Cadillacs.

I'd call that paying
through the nose.

The wit in this tent
flows like molasses.

All right, all right,
no hurry. There's more.

Hey!

You got taste, kid.

I got that one for
my wife for her birthday.

We're in business.

All right, Hawk,
where's the Barracuda?

Now, come on,
it's been hours.

I'm gettin' a headache.

Stosh, after the operation.
She's not going anyplace.

Yeah, we got her
idling, in neutral.

Watch it.
You happen to be talkin'
about the woman I love.

When can we do this, Doc?
The sooner, the quicker.

Gentlemen, synchronize
your watches.

Operation Noselift
is about to begin.

What am I signing, Radar?

Well, it's concerning
that thing

you don't wanna know
anything about, sir.

You know, the reason
why you're not here today.

-You want me
to sign this pass?
-Yes, sir.

-Someone going somewhere?
-No, sir.

Then, why does someone
who's not going anywhere
need a pass?

Well, if I explain it
to you, then you'll know.

Yeah.

Also this, sir.

-Okay.
-Thank you, sir.

-Radar.
-Sir?

You're not going to wind up
owning my car, are you?

No, sir.
Will that be all, sir?

If you say so.

I appreciate
this pass, sir.

Can I bring you
anything from Tokyo?

Yeah, I'd like one of
those hot-water bottles.

About 37-24-35.

Yes, sir.

All right, Father,
right in front of the baby.

Right down
the middle, here.

Hey, there, Father, baby.

Hey, you got a good,
strong arm there, Father.

Well, you develop
a lot of muscle

wrestling with temptation.

All right, right in the--
Hey, hey, Major Burns.

Very good, Frank.

I want the windows
and those doors covered.

Yes, sir.

We'll just need
the one table.

-Once we start,
nobody comes in.
-Right.

I'm counting on you
to keep quiet about this.

-I'll add it to the list.
-Ah.

Let's get it straight.

Right down the middle!
Burn it in here!

Ha-- Ooh, ooh!

Aah.

-Kid, you okay?
-My nose!

Well, let me see.
Maybe I can help.

I don't think so, Frank.
He needs a doctor.

Corpsman!

What's the big
tzimmes here?

He got hurt playing
catch, poor man.

Lucky for you, young man,

I just happen to be
in Korea against my will.

I think it's broken!

It does look
like a break.

Don't worry, Radar.
We'll set it right away.

You'll be smelling
again in a week.

Get outta my way.

Oh, nice of you to
offer to help, Frank,

but you do realize
we just happen to have

Stanley Robbins here,
one of the best nose men

-in the business.
-That's right.

What an opportunity
to observe!

Uh, well, Robbins
never allows anybody
to watch his work.

Sometimes even the patients
can't get in.

You're talking
very fast, Captain.

Try listening slow.

MAN : Attention.

Major Robbins, report
for emergency surgery.

Major Burns,
report to the CO.

Major Houlihan,
report to Supply.

Those are the major
announcements for the day.

How's it going?

Oh, it's a great
operation.

All we need is a doctor
and a patient.

Sorry.
The door was blocked!

Never mind.
Take your clothes off.

-For a nose job?
-They say that to everybody.

If I sent for you, I would
be the first to know.

Well, can you think
of a reason why you
might send for me?

Rarely, Frank,
if ever even then.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

The whole thing's dumb,
Frank.

Are you calling me dumb?

You said it. I didn't.

-Come on.
-Where we gonna look?

The nurses' quarters.
Try every tent.

By the time he's finished,
there won't be

a misshapen feature
in the whole outfit.

Except for Robbins himself.

Let me go!
Oh! You're an animal!

Let me prove it to you.

Stop it! I'll scream!

You'll scream,
you'll holler,

you'll sing,
you'll become a symphony.

Major! Aah!

How's Radar?

Oh, he's fine, Father.
I'll explain later.

I need Dr. Robbins.

Well,
seek and ye shall find.

They certainly foresaw
every contingency.

Dr. Robbins in here?

I wouldn't be
a bit surprised.

Have you seen--

Oh, my.
Goodness gracious.

Tell me the truth.
What's your nickname?

-It's a lie!
-You're the Barracuda, right?

-What?
-I've known hundreds
of women, Major.

Please be one of them.

I'll crack you across
the face with this!

I knew I could
count on you.

Aah!

Stosh!

Ohh!

I never thought
I'd be glad to see you.

If you chop him
in half,

you'll find your
grandmother inside.

Doctor, please,
let's remember who we are

-and what we're here for.
-MARGARET: Ohh.

Hey, Trap, Major Houlihan
just had her pulses taken
by an octopus.

-Saint George time.

There, there, my Margaret.

Ain't nobody gonna harm y'all

'less'n you leave
old Uncle Trapper's arms.

Oh!

You got
a fast hand, Stosh.

First doctor
in Beverly Hills

to break
the four-minute nose.

-Swab.
-Swab.

You know, if I could
work on your eyes
for half an hour,

you could be a star.

I don't want to be a star.

Then just give me
the half hour.

Stanley, the patient.
Remember?

This guy thinks
he's got problems?

I've had noses that
had to be wheeled in

on two tables.

-Sponge.
-Sponge.

You got a nickname, honey?

What do they call you
around here, hmm?

Well, they called me
Red for a long time,

but it was just
because of my hair.

-Yeah, I'm holding.
-Be advised, Colonel,

General Mitchell
will hear about this

in my weekly
anonymous report.

What are you doing here?

I was drafted, sir.

Your nose is supposed
to be broken.

Uh, yes, well, Dr. Pierce
said it was just a sprain,

and if I keep off it
for a month,

I'll only have to put
liquids in it.

I'm a doctor,
and that's crazy.

I've heard that, sir.

I have bigger fish
to catch than you.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, Major?

Telephone.

It's your wife.
Your anniversary call.

But that was last month.

I just got through.

Louise?

Yes, it's me, darling.
How are you, sweetheart?

Oh, gosh, it's good
to talk to you, honey.

Who the hell is that?

It's my wife!

What? Uh, uh...

Oh, Major Houlihan
just came in.

Hi, Jim!

Beautiful job, Stosh.

Hmm. Beautiful's
the worst I can do.

Back home, that half hour
woulda cost you a grand.

But because I like ya
and respect ya,

it'll only cost you
one big nurse.

Or two small ones,

and I'll
give ya change.

All right, Pierce!

There's nothing wrong
with Radar!

Who did you just
operate on?

Surgery on the nose
can't be hidden, Mister.

He's right, you know.

Everything roger,
Doctor?

Roger and dodger, Doctor.

You'll all be in the clink
soon as we find out

who you performed
surgery on illegally.

Great jowls. Great.

Stosh, you came through
like a trooper.

-We really appreciate it.
-You're thankin' me?

I've been a recipient
of a farewell

I may have to write up
in a medical paper.

If I live. Ciao.

BOTH: So long, Stosh.

Hey, Virginia,
there is a Barracuda.

Uh, girls, uh, anybody here
know, uh, Stanley Robbins?

Do you know anybody
who knows anybody

who knows Robbins?

Does anybody have
a nickname here that...