All language subtitles for MASH.S02E17.For.Want.of.a.Boot.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

What do you
got there, Radar?

Oh, it's probably a mistake.

Five thousand diapers
and five thousand pairs
of rubber pants.

Well, you're
all set for winter.

Uh-huh.

I'd give $10 for
this war to be over.

Put me down for ten.

Twenty dollars.
How could they turn us down?

We could even go to 25,
but don't tell them that
in the beginning.

Three months ago-- Hey.

Three months ago,
I ordered new boots.
I made it easy.

I said, "New boots
or let me go back to my
old shoe store in Vermont."

Reasonable.

I even offered
to let them resole my foot.

Three months waiting.
I could've had a third
of a baby by now.

You don't have
the hips for it.

I need a thick something.

-What's this?
-Frank's birthday.

I wonder how old he is.

Why don't we saw him
in half tonight
and count his rings?

"To my darling husband
on the day of your birth.

You made a heaven
for me on Earth."

She should've seen Mr. Heaven
on Earth in surgery yesterday

putting a nurse on report
for giving him the instrument
that he asked for.

Thank you, Mrs. Burns,
from the bottom of my foot.

-Hi, Frank.
-Hi, Frank.

That supposed
to be clever?

-Happy birthday, Frank.
-And many more, bunkie.

We were gonna
buy you something,

but we couldn't get
to the 5-and-10 yen store.

Buy me something?
You guys are so full of prunes!

Now I know what to get you:
An electric bra.

That tears it!
Where is it?

What filthy whatever
have you done with
my wife's birthday card?

I don't know
how to tell you this, Frank,
but your wife's birthday card

is having a thing
with my right foot.

That's it!

I want that card out
of your boot pronto!
And that's an order!

You better do what he says.
He could revoke your feet.

-How much do you want
for your boots, Frank?
-What?

I'll give you 50 dollars
and the Ten Commandments
in pig latin.

Go peddle your papers!

There's only one thing
left to do, Hawk.

I think we should go lean
on the supply sergeant.

Very good advice...

from a man who zipped
his fly to new heights.

I got you in here, Doc.
I know. I remember.

-10 1/2 C boot.
-Right. 10 1/2 Charlie.

Here we are. Right next
to Captain Milligan's truss.

He never got it.
He was shipped home weeks ago.

I hope he had somebody
carry his bags for him.

You want the truss
if it comes in?

If it's a 10 1/2 C.

Sergeant Zale, I'm a doctor.

I've been operating for a week
standing on one foot.

I'm warning you,
you're looking at
a desperate flamingo.

-You see that hole?
-So?

I find it a little
mind-boggling

that I can't get
a 10 1/2 C boot.

You want to see
a 10 1/2 C hole?
Look at this. Huh?

For weeks I've been asking
the dentist to fix this,
and he's too busy.

What do you think?

That's a hole.

Unfortunately,
we're not dentists,

-but your tonsils
don't look too good.
-Let us snip 'em out.

No chance!
I need them to chew with.

Sergeant, if we can
arrange your dental work,

you think you just might
be able to expedite
the 10 1/2 Charlies?

You get me a 20/20 mouth,

and I'll find you a pair
of boots so fast it'll
make your feet swim.

MAN : Attention.
Captain Alvin Mercer

leaves for a honeymoon
in Tokyo at 0900 hours.

Any nurse wishing
to be the bride,
please contact the captain.

No experience necessary.

Klinger, stop fidgeting.
Sit back.

It hurts my head.

May I ask why
you're wearing curlers?

I'm going
on guard duty tonight.

Klinger,
when are you gonna wise up?

You been trying to
get out of the army

for six months
now by wearing dresses.

What's it got you?

Two proposals and a hurt letter
from a peeping Tom.

-Who was it?
-I don't undress and tell.

Pierce, McIntyre.

Konnichiwa,
Dr. Fudderman-san.

The sun smiles,
the river laughs.

Can't help lovin'
that man of mine.

Klinger, how can you wear
just a skirt on a cold day
like this?

You think it's easy
being a nut?

-Bernie?
-Open wide.

Bernie, I have to
ask you a favor before
you go down to the pits.

-Yeah, yeah?
-You know the supply
sergeant, Zale?

Zale. Yeah.
What about him?

I want you to give him
his bridge.

In two words:
"uhm-possible."

That's cosmetic work.
I got people here
with sick teeth.

Bernie, look at this.

I don't do shoes.
You'll have to get them
filled somewhere else.

Bernie, I'm at your mercy.
I'm wearing my foot on
my sleeve.

Do Zale's teeth,
and he gets new boots.

Fair enough.
If you help me.

I'm in love.

Just name her.
She's yours.

We'll bring her here
in chains.

We'll even give her a drug
that makes you look tall
and blond.

Gentlemen, it's not a woman.

It's Japan.

I love that land,

from the top of Fujiyama
to the bottom of its sea,

where even right now

chubby half-naked
diving girls

are irritating oysters
to produce pearls.

Makes you want to enlist
in the oysters.

I know I'm Japanese.
I was born Japanese.

I have a feeling that
I was kidnapped by a dentist
whose wife was barren

and spirited away
to East Orange.

My life there has only been
prologue to my final destiny:

Underwater dentist
in an all-night bathhouse.

Uh, look, we're good,
but we can't get you
a transfer to Japan.

I only want three days.

I wanna visit a Shinto shrine.
I wanna see the Kabuki.

I wanna spend an evening
with a girl I can think
about in years to come

when my wife
is talking to me.

Okay. We'll see Henry.

FUTTERMAN: Henry?
In the great mouth of life,

Henry Blake is but
a temporary filling.

Okay, sir, uh,
you sign this top form,
then initial all the rest.

-Initial, Radar?
-Oh, yes, sir.

Your initials signify
that instead of signing,
you initialed.

Uh, then you have
to sign this form,

which states that you merely
initialed the forms that
required signing.

Then after you've signed,
you put your initial
where you signed

so that people will know
that you okayed your signature
with your initial.

Radar, tell me the truth.
Do you understand any of this?

Uh, I try not to, sir.
It slows up the work.

Anything else?

Uh, oh! There's these
more here too, sir.

Oh, pooh!

I got a bucket
of golf balls to wash.

Hey. Three nurses
want to transfer out?

Oh, yes, sir.
They're really in tough shape.

It's sad to see 'em
crying in the shower.

Radar, you were supposed
to fix the hole in that tent.

Uh, I did, sir,

but it just took a week
longer than I expected.

Major Houlihan, huh?

Yes, sir.
She's really giving them
a bad time.

The queen of the bedpans
strikes again.

There's also something more
you should know too, sir.

-What?
-Major Houlihan is preparing

a very bad report about you
for General Mitchell.

How do you know that?

Well, when I was cleaning
out her wastebasket

I accidentally came upon
this piece of paper,

which she had been typing
with the wrong side of
the carbon facing.

So I pressed it
with a steam iron

to transfer what she wrote
onto this piece of paper,

and then I could see
what she wrote

without having to hold up
her mistake to a mirror.

That was a terrific
accident, Radar.

Thank you, sir.

"Incompetent, inefficient,
unmilitary."

-She spelled "bungler" wrong.
-Uh, no, that's "bumbler," sir.

Oh, then she got it right.

Boy, that gripes my cookies!
What has she got against me?

I've never done a thing
to that woman.

Maybe that's it, sir.

Oh, no.

Not without combat pay.

Are you in, Henry?

I'm in enough to ask you
to get the hell out.

Bad mood today.

That's right.
I'm in a bad mood today.

-Wow! What ears.
-What's up, Henry?

Houlihan's got
the nurses so crazy,

half of them can't
sleep at night.

Yeah? Which ones?

She's also preparing a report
to General Mitchell,

where I could wind up
shaving patients
before surgery.

I guess this is a wrong time
to ask you for a favor,
huh, Henry?

Not unless you
want it turned down.
Then it's ideal.

-It's for Futterman,
the dentist.
-The closet Oriental.

If you give him three days
in Tokyo, I can get a new
pair of boots.

I'd be lying
if I said I understood that.

I'd also be lying
if I said I cared.

What if we can get
Hot Lips off your back?

I'd give Futterman a week.
He could run for emperor.

It never fails.
One hand washes the other.

You fix that sweetheart,
and I'll give you a bath.

That part of our
relationship is over, Henry.

Henry Blake is a sham commander,
a farcical administrator

and a spineless, irresponsible,
lecherous old beanbag.

Margaret, we're not
gonna get anywhere
if you keep holding back.

-My report is going
to General Mitchell.
-Come on, reconsider.

Henry's less than perfect,
but we are a team.

Yeah, it's just
that he's been in

one too many scrimmages
without his helmet.

-Margaret, what can we do?
-What you can do mostly is not.

Not torment Frank Burns.

All right,
you have our word.

He will never find meat loaf
in his pajamas again!

We'll never add another
number to his dog tags.

He will never again wake up
with nail polish and mascara.

Not good enough, gentlemen.
Not good enough!

-Today is Frank's birthday.
-Yeah, yeah?

I think a surprise party
in the mess tent tonight,

with a big cake
and at least 20 people

and presents

might just stop my report.

-It's a deal.
-It is not!

I have just
run out of hypocrisy.

My dignity tank is
getting dangerously low.

You expect me to drag
20 screaming people
to a party

for Frank Burns and paint
smiles on their faces?

And presents?

Half this camp spends
its time sticking pins

in little Frank Burns dolls.

I will debase myself just
so far for a pair of boots.

Hah!
A party for Frank Burns?

I think I'll start with
a few hors d'oeuvres,

followed by baked ham
and hot biscuits.

If they'll stay hot.
That's the only problem.

-Radar, what are you doing?
-Sorting the mail.

-Otherwise known
as a sneak preview.
-Anything for us?

No. What do you
guys want, sirs?

A birthday cake
for Frank Burns.

What, are you gonna
start bein' nice to him now?

Yeah, we thought
we'd try it.

If he likes it,
we can always stop.

Well, what do you
need me for?

Why don't you talk
to the cook?

We had a little
falling out.

We sent a sample
of his stew to the lab.

It came back marked
"benign no traces of food."

Look, Radar,
you do this for us,

and I promise you I'll
find a cure for shortness.

Now, that's not funny!

Hey, you know
he's only joking.

Yeah. In our hearts,
you're six-foot-three.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just kinda edgy lately.

Guess it's my,
uh, loneliness.

Which one is she?

That new first lieutenant.
The big blonde lady.

Murphy?
The wonder nurse?

She's two people
taller than you.

Be smart, Radar.
Start in the boys' department.

Work your way up
to the men's floor.

Give us a little time.
We'll find you something
in 32 regular.

I don't have time.
The Medical Journal says

a man's best years
are between 19 and 25.

-Right now I'm at my peak,
physically.
-Oh.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Hey, Radar,
forget about Murphy.

What about, uh, uh,
Nurse Anderson?

She's built like
a brick hospital.

-Murphy.
-Well, what about
Nurse Jacobs?

She's offered her body
to science time and time again.

TOGETHER: Murphy.

Please, fellas, I'm tired.
I'm in no mood for kidding.

Murphy, we just
need a little favor.

Why didn't you say so?
The answer's no.

Look, we need to borrow
your body for an evening.

And your heart doesn't
have to be in it.

Is that unreasonable?

I wish somebody
would make me that offer.

We have this terrific friend
who's really anxious to go
out with you.

He's sort of a shy,
Gary Cooper-ish type.

Well, he's a little more
"ish" than "Cooper."

But he's extremely bright
in the head, where that
kind of thing counts.

-Warm and witty.
-Excitingly average.

-Okay.
-Okay?

What kind of a turndown
is that?

He can meet me in my tent
after ward duty.

Don't you want to know
how you'll recognize him?

Oh, I'll know.
He'll be the one
with the dryer.

The what?

Part of this deal
has to be that I have
a hair dryer.

I'm tired of walking through
this war with wet hair.

And that's all
there is to it?

Listen, for a hair dryer,
I'd even go out with
Radar O'Reilly.

We can't send a kid
like Radar up with
a girl like that.

Maybe if I took
a real hot bath,

I could fit
into his clothes.

-75 bucks.
That's as high as I go.
-Nope.

All right, a hundred bucks
and I'll throw in a nose job.

Are you implying my nose
is too big?

Not at all.
I'll even add to it
if you want.

I'll give you a nose
that'll need a tie clip.
I need this dryer.

There's only one thing I want,
and everybody knows it.

Klinger, it's not in our power
to give you a discharge.

Ah! I looked it up.
If I can get four officers

that'll sign that I'm
a nutcase, I can get out.

I'd sign a paper certifying
you're an English sheepdog.

Providing you stay
on the paper.

I knew you guys
would do it!

When it comes to crazy,
you're tops.

But what's the use?

Majors Burns or Houlihan,
they wouldn't sign.

Now, wait a minute.
Maybe we can soften them up.

-We're giving him a party.
-For his birthday.

The same guys that glued
his head to a pillow last week?

Hey, trust us.
We'll get him mellow.

-He'll sign your nutso-gram.
-You get ready for the party.

And tell me what you're
wearing so we don't clash.

-What is it?
-Open it up!

Ohh!

It was my father's.
He was cavalry.

A riding crop!

My mother gave it to him
on their wedding night.

Margaret, you're
a dreamboat!

-Frank!
-Giddy-up!

-You're silly.
-Ohh!

Margaret, I'm so grateful
you remembered my birthday.

I'm not the sort of person
whose birthday people seem
to remember.

I'm just sort of there
year after year.

-Oh, Frank.
-Yeah.

When I was little,
my mother used to send out
30 birthday invitations

just to get four kids
to show up.

I know. You told me.

Why don't people
like me, Margaret?

Well...

-Have some wine, Frank.
-They don't, you know.

I've gotten thank-you notes
from people I said
I'd never see again.

-Well, do you know
what we're gonna do?
-Hmm?

We're going over to the mess
tent for a birthday dinner.

Just the two of us.
Just you and me.

Just the two of us.
Isn't that sad?

-Majors at two o'clock!
-Okay, everybody get down!

Be quiet! Hide! Shh! Shh!

-Hawkeye, is that your hand?
-Is what my hand?

Pipe down! Shh! Quiet!

-Say, what's--
-Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, this isn't all for me.

Sure it is,
you silly goose.

Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.

Well put, Henry.

Frank, It's very hard

to tell people
how much you like them.

Very hard. Some people
even harder than others.

Frank, this is
a very tough case.

Thank you.
Colonel Blake's
stretcher, please.

Hey, come on, Henry.
There's a bottle dying
to meet you.

Aw, you two palookas.

-Thanks, Pierce.
-A deal's a deal.

-Speech, Frank! Speech!
-Yes!

Uh, I'm not, uh,
much at speechifying.

Uh, this party's
really thrown me for a loop.

I'd, uh, just like to say

that I think you're all
a bunch of swell eggs.

Uh, of course, a few of
the eggs are a little cracked.

Biggest horse's patoot
in the army.

Uh, Frank,
we have some presents for you.

-Radar, give Frank a drink.
-Yeah, come on.

Not too much, Frank.
It makes you sluggish.

Now, this first present
is from all the gang at X-Ray.

It's practical
as well as ornamental.

A pair of lead-lined
jockey shorts.

Let's see
what else we have here.

-Hey!

Tomorrow morning, Doc,
in regards to my teeth?

The dawn awakens the soul.
The soul summons the spirit.

What time?

Soon as I get back
from the latrine.

Be in my chair,
10:00, mouth open.

-Don't be late.
-You got it.

A rare gift, Frank,
from old Heidelberg.

A medical student's
specimen stein.

Margaret, this is
the best party I ever had.

Major Houlihan seems
in good spirits.

She's gonna be one peroxide
pussycat from now on.

And you can thank
yours anonymously for that.

Really?

How'd you like to come
to my tent and thank me
in person?

You're married,
aren't you?

Well, that's all right.
So's my wife.

Hey, Klinger,
what time you got?

Five to eight.

Jeez, I gotta get outta here.
I got a date.

Yeah? With who?

Nurse Murphy.

You gonna work
without a net?

Now may we have the, uh--

They love you, Frank.

It was their hatred
that fooled me.

Make a wish, Frank.

Pierce, Mclntyre,

this is the happiest night
of my life, buddies.

You want to share
the happiness, Frank?

-With the whole world.
-Sign this.

-With the whole world.
-Sign this.

Sure. What is it?

Never.

You're asking me to let
a pervert out of the army?

Oh, right, Frank.
By all means,

let's keep the perverts
in the army.

Anyway, Klinger's
not a pervert.

How do you know?

Because I'm one,
and he's never at the meetings.

-That's despicable!
-Hey, she's tearing up
my crazy papers!

Hey, what are you doing?

-Hey! What's going on here?

And what are
you doing here?

But didn't they tell you?
I'm your date.

Only if you
plug yourself in

and blow on my hair.

Frank, this is your party,

and you're going to enjoy it
whether you like it or not.

Now, come on.
Everybody's watching.
Cut the cake.

I can't.

Act like a man, you twit!

A deal's a deal!

Wait. Before we operate
on that cake,

I would like to get
a second opinion.

This will all go into
my report to the general,
Colonel Drunky John.

Henry, go fall down
on somebody. Margaret--

-It'll all be reported!
-Oh, boy.

If I don't see you
before I leave,

thank you
for the three-day pass,
Colonel-san.

In case you haven't
heard, Captain,

there's a war going on-san.

Henry, wait a second!
I gotta talk to you.

-Henry, may I talk to you?
-When did I lose control?

See ya bright
and early, Doc.

Forget it. Sleep late.

And learn how to
gum your food.

I'm not going into your mouth
unless it catches fire.

-I appeal to you
as a fellow doctor.
-Bernie, please!

-We're sorry
about Pearl Harbor!
-It'll never happen again!

-Don't go, Sergeant.
-Out of my way, sir.
That's an order.

He's got to
have those boots.

Look, we made a deal.
He didn't come through.

Do you know what I did?

How I degraded myself,
how I groveled,

how I humbled,
how I cheapened myself

all for a pair of miserable,
lousy army boots?

I swear to you,
as dedicated as I am

to the sanctity and
preservation of human life,

if I had a gun
at this moment,

I would send my head
across the tent!

A gun takes six weeks.
There's a terrific waiting list.

Look, look Sergeant,

what if we got you
the appointment
with the dentist?

Yeah. I happen to know
he's not going to Tokyo.

But if we got him
a three-day pass,

then Hot Lips
won't report Henry.

On the other hand,
if we get Radar
a date with the hair dryer--

Let's get some chow.

You go.
I don't feel like it.

Tough breakin' in, huh?

It takes awhile.
I'll do it.

Well, you gotta
start sometime. Come on.

Okay.

Wonder what garbage
they got for us today.

What's the difference?

Fore!