All language subtitles for MASH.S02E14.Hot.Lips.and.Empty.Arms.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Letter for you, Voskowitz.

Letter from your wife, sir.

Letter for you, sir.

MCINTYRE: Hey, what'd Santa
bring you, Hawk?

Some medical journals
from dear old dad.

I hope they're recent.

From the last batch,
Pavlov was just buying
his first dog.

-FRANK: Yippie!
-Good news from home, Frank?

Your neighborhood
still restricted?

My neighborhood
is not restricted.

There's a Catholic
right across the street.

No, I'm afraid
that's it, Major.
Just the one letter.

Well then, okay.

Uh, you know what I do
to get mail?

I send away for things,
like, uh, samples and stuff.

This morning I got
a free package of oregano

and a house painters'
color chart.

And it isn't even
a heavy day.

-Thank you, Corporal.
-Uh-huh.

-Mail for you, Colonel Blake.
- Momentito.

Uh, Radar,

tell the cook not to handle
the food for the next few days.

The flu again?

Yeah.

Every time he goes to town,
he gets the flu.

-Mail, Radar?
-Yes, sir. Three letters
from your wife.

-Oh.
-And a postcard
from your parents.

They're second honeymooning
at Niagara Falls.

I do hope they don't give me
a little brother or sister.

Yes, sir.

Oh, and that thing
you sent away for.

-Oh?
-The Tobasco Film Company
of Havana, Cuba.

Oh, good.
Just what the doctor ordered.

Anglo Chemicals is at 47 1/2,
thanks to napalm.

I bought it at 39,
and my United Foundry's up too.

They're coming out
with a new automatic rifle.

Betting on destruction
to win, place and show?

I've got a family
to think of.

I've got to
leave them something
in case I get killed.

Frank, the only way
you're gonna get killed
is if you operate on yourself.

RADAR :
Attention, all personnel.

Allied incoming casualties.
Report to surgery.

Now there's a good stock
for you, Frank--

Allied Incoming Casualties.

Oh, go
soak your head!

That'll teach you
to ad-lib with the master.

-Lap sponge.
-Lap sponge.

-Pickups.
-Pickups.

Speaking of which,
what are you doing
after the operation?

-Clamp.
-Clamp.

-Or during the operation?
-HOULIHAN: This is not
a cocktail lounge, Doctor.

You could have fooled me.

You gonna tie that
vessel, Frank?

Roger. Will do.

You might at least try to get
an accurate lap sponge count.

Get up on the wrong side
of the war this morning, Major?

-I counted ten, ma'am.
-There's only nine here.

-There's none in the patient.
-Frank's not finished yet.

It's on the floor.
Next time try to hit the bucket.

We might have had to go
back in on that patient.

-MCINTYRE:
Give me the suture scissors.
-Suture scissors.

You know better than that!
Wipe those off first!

-I'm sorry, Major.
-Okay, close him up.

-Where's that 4-0 silk suture
I asked for?
-They're on the way, Major.

When you come on duty,
you check the supplies,
you understand?

There's no excuse
for running out of anything!

I have an announcement!

One more stupidity
and every nurse goes on report.

And I'd like to make
an announcement.

Major Houlihan and I
are getting married,
right sugar?

-What?
-That's outrageous!

-We are not.
-Then go ahead
and have the baby alone.

-Is it a boy or a girl?
-Give us a chance.
We just met.

-Oh!
-Oh.

What's eating you, Margaret?

At the moment, you are.

I can't help it.
Your ears are so delicious.

What's wrong,
honey bunch?

Trisha Spalding,
that's what's wrong,
honey bunch.

Would you like to tell me
about your Trisha Spalding?

We were in training together.

She married a doctor
I turned down.

And now she has
a beautiful home
with a swimming pool,

two adorable children,
a two-car garage.

Oh, Frank, it all
could have been mine!

-That could have been me!

That house must
have run 40,000.

Forty-five.

I'd have loved him
if I'd have known.

-But no.

I married the Army,
and what have I got
to show for it?

Rotten living conditions,
no social life,

surrounded by insolent doctors

and nurses who don't
give me an ounce of respect.

Darling...

it's only the people
who know you

that don't give you
any respect.

And that's because
you hide all your goodness.

I have nothing.
Nothing!

Well, am I nothing,
Margaret?

You're government issue, Frank.

You came with my mess kit
and my khaki girdle.

-So much for Frank Burns.
-And after you're home,

I'll only be a smile
on your face

your wife won't understand.

Margaret, you're serving
your country in the most
noble way a woman can.

In the finest
tradition of nursing.
You have your commission.

The war can't last
forever, Frank.

They'll declare peace,
and then where will I be?

Well, there'll always be
another war.

Margaret, let's go to Tokyo
for the weekend.

I don't want a weekend.
I want a lifetime.

A weekend can be a lifetime
if you use it right.

I'm not going anywhere
with you, Frank.

This is the end
of the line for us.

From now on, I'm number one.
Me, Margaret Houlihan.

And believe me, soldier,
I deserve better than you!

-Colonel Blake in?
-Yeah, but he's busy right now.

Come to attention.
Get to your feet.

Put that cigar out.
Get rid of that magazine.

-Yes, sir.
-It's ma'am.

Men are sirs.
Women are ma'ams.

-I'm a woman. I'm a ma'am.
-Yes, sir... ma'am.

Uh, ma'am, sir?

Where is
Colonel Bubblehead?

He gave orders
not to be disturbed.

-He already is disturbed.
-Excuse me.

-Out of my way, Corporal.
-Major, he's watching
a, uh, training film.

And it's pretty rough
in there...

bodies and everything.

Since when do
bodies bother me?

BLAKE:
Pretty good, huh?

TRAPPER:
Not much story,
but plenty of action.

It can't be.

What?

It is. It's Charlie Abrams'
receptionist.

She looks a lot better
in balloons than a uniform.

-HOULIHAN: Colonel!
-Whoops.

That's the most vulgar,
base thing I've ever seen!

Well, Margaret, you can't
come in in the middle.

-It's disgusting!
-The critics panned it, too,

but we're trying to judge it
on its own merits.

Colonel, I'd like to hear
your explanation for this.

Ah, Major,
we're grown men

-a long way from home.
-Oh!

-Oh, for Pete's sake.
-Hey!

And truth to tell,
the only woman I have
to explain anything to

is a 35-year-old, slightly
pigeon-toed mouth-breather

with $2,000 worth
of bridge work.

That I still owe $1,500 on.

I'm certain she would
find that obscene.

Margaret, there's an even
bigger obscenity around here.

It's called the war.
Anyone over 18 is admitted.

Colonel, I want
a transfer.

No transfers are issued until
the camp comes to a full stop.

And watch your step
getting off.

And these two are
at the top of my list.

Hey, we finished
first and second.

They've totally destroyed
my authority with the
nursing staff.

They have made a mockery
of my majority.

What do you know?
We're major mockers.

Simmer down, Pierce.
That's an order.

An order?

Why don't you stop masquerading
as a commanding officer?

You're nothing
but a spineless,

mealymouthed,
fly-fishing impostor!

-He's not an impostor.
-Right.

He's a genuine spineless,
mealymouthed, fly-fisherman.

Pierce, you're
the limit.

That's right.
Go ahead, laugh.

Oh, come on, Major.

You know what they say.
"A laugh turneth away wrath."

Who says that?
I never heard
anybody say that.

Colonel, I am requesting
that you officially

and formally
approve my transfer.

Look, I am glad
this has come up.

Now, I want you two guys
to straighten up and fly right.

I want you to accord
Major Houlihan

the courtesy and respect
"accordable"

to someone who has achieved
her high rank and sex.

I am not looking for
a truce with these two
shower-tent peekers.

You peek into one shower
and you're labeled for life.

-You really wanna leave us?
-I really have to.

-Well. Radar--
-Here's the transfer
papers, sir.

Here you go.

In case you have
any second thoughts,
we'll keep mum about this.

Right, group?

-Right.
-Right.

Whatever was, of course,
has been.

But we are a family, Margaret.

RADAR :
Attention, all personnel.

Effective immediately,
Major Margaret Houlihan
is leaving the 4077th.

There will be wine
with dinner with ice cream
and chocolate sauce.

Well, there are families
and there are families.

-Frank, Margaret's
departure is imminent.
-So?

Well, isn't that un-zinging
the strings of your heart
just a little bit?

None of your business,
Captain Buttinsky.

Frank, one is
a lonely number.

I'll thank you to mind
your p's and q's.

That hurt.

Wanna join us?

We're going over
with a farewell bottle
of "champagne."

No, thanks. There are
more important things to do.

Won't you miss her, Frank?
Those midnight meetings
behind the delousing tent?

Soaping each other
in the scrub room?

Fumbling with the
leather aprons in x-ray?

-Who is it?

-HAWKEYE:
Lord and Ozzie Nelson.
-Go away!

What do you two want?

This is the let bygones
be bygones scene, Margaret.

We brought you a little
"champers."

Fifteen minutes ago
was a very good year.

It's especially
for you, Margaret.

Trapper stomped on
the grapes himself

with his own two
reasonably-clean feet.

He really knows how
to sell wine.

Miz Margaret.

Miz Hawkeye.

Now that you're
going, Margaret,

all that stands out
are the good things.

If I could remember one
I'd mention it.

Fighting, they say,
is a form of loving.

I guess we've shown
about as much love
for you as we could

without actually knocking
your teeth out.

We'll miss you in our hearts.

And in the shower.

-I'd like to propose a toast.
-Hear, hear.

Here's to Captains Pierce
and Mclntyre.

To their all-night binges,

to their secret
nurse ceremonies,

to their planting of
microphones in sleeping bags,

to their childish switching
of names on latrines,

all of which goes
into my special report
to General Mitchell,

which culminates in a detailed
account of your Thanksgiving

"Come as Your Favorite
Nude Pilgrim" party.

This stuff isn't champagne.
Champagne tickles my nose.

This stuff eats it away.

-Come.

Oh, uh, Margaret.

Let me get my robe.
I'm in my underwear.

How nice for both of you.

You writing a letter
to your wife, Frank?

Is there anything in there
about you-know-who

who used to be
your you-know-what?

-Margaret, I don't like
to see you bitter.
-Tough toenails.

Here are your things, Frank.

Your picture of us at Osaka,

your love letters,
your mother's date card
and Bimbo.

Margaret, Bimbo is ours.

Bimbo is only
a dog... stuffed.

Take the hint, Frank.

Margaret, this is
so unlike you.

No, it's not.
If I'd have been more like me,

you maybe would
have liked me more.

-You've been drinking!
-Correction.

I am drinking.

Margaret, that's liquor!

Right, Reverend Davidson.

I'm celebrating
a brand-new life.

Six months away
from this snake pit

and I'll be a colonel.

I know a lot of generals,
you know, Frank?

I know you know them,
Margaret.

And a few lieutenant colonels

and one pretty nifty
warrant officer

who used to be a masseur.

-Do you want a slug, Frank?
-This does not become you,
Margaret.

Oh. What
becomes me, Frank?

Hanging around
delousing tents,

meeting in laundry trucks?

Frank, I believe you have
my leather-bound copy
of the army officers' guide,

my cuticle scissors,
tweezers,

and my Doris Day scrapbook.

I would like them back, please.

This is a terrible way
for two friends to part,
Margaret.

"Two friends," Frank?

What are you doing,
rehearsing a letter
to your wife home?

"Darling, did I mention
my friend Major Houlihan

"has been transferred?

You would have liked him.
Swell guy."

-They're out of champagne.

-I think you've had
enough, Margaret.
-Who asked you?

Ferret face.

Uh, read that
back, Radar.

Oh, yes, sir.

"Tobasco Film Company,
Box 245, Havana, Cuba.

"Dear sirs,

"Thank you
for your recent shipment.

"I would like to order
some additional film
from your catalog--

"Number 467,

-"'Paulina Paris
and her Pelican.'
-Her Pelican.

-"Also, number 26... 216,
-216. Right.

TOGETHER: 'Francine Laflame
and her Tassles in the Air.'"

-Uh, sir?
-Hmm?

Do you think they could get
anything of Flash Gordon?

Maybe next time, Radar.
Read on, will you?

Yes, sir. "Enclosed please
find a check for 29.95

"to cover the cost of film,
postage and handling.

"Please send
as soon as possible.

Sincerely yours..."

Oh, uh, uh, uh, just sign
your name again, Radar.

You know. I mean,
it might not look
too good if I, uh...

Well, you know.

-Just sign your name.
-Yes, sir.

-I'll get this out right away.
-And get that out
right away, please.

Colonel,
I just wanted you to know

that I was preparing
my final report before I go,

which I haven't done yet.

Uh, how do you get
into this thing?

Is there something
you want?

I thought a little farewell
drink... Major, Colonel.

Looks like you've already
been dipping your bill.

You sure you won't
reconsider, Major?

No, I've thought it over

and I definitely would
like another drink.

Okay.
Scotch and water okay?

That's fine.
You can skip the water.

-Okay.
-Okay.

You know, Major,
you're making a mistake.

This outfit may be
a bit of a booby hatch,

but we do
awful good work together.

Yeah, I can't
fight you there.

Cheers.

I need army discipline.
I need a sense of order.

Can't you understand
that, Colonel?

Why don't you call me Henry,
for pete's sake?

That's really swell
of you, Pete.

Do you know that you look just
like my father before he died?

Well, a lot of people
have said that.

It's funny how you only
get to know people
after they're gone.

I feel real close
to you right now.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, that scotch
you just poured is rye.

That's okay.
The champagne
I just had was gin.

Sir, we just got word,

a company of Marines
has been hit pretty bad.

-The choppers evacuating?
-Yes, sir. Should be here
in about 45 minutes.

Okay, alert all
personnel on O.R.

-Both shifts?
-Yeah, both shifts.

Get every patient out
of the hospital that can walk.

-That's basically everything.
-We'll need every bed
we can get.

Oh, my goodness.
It's an emergency.

It's a good thing
I'm a nurse.

-What's cooking, Henry?
-A lot of hurt people
coming in... Marines.

-Could be a long stretch.
-Marines? That means youngsters.

Boy, I'd give $50
to see a varicose vein.

-Okay, give me the money
and I'll drop my pants.
-Everything's ready, sir.

-Did you make sure...
-Every available bed's
available.

-Okay, call and make sure
that the helipad is clear.
-Yes, sir.

Okay.

Oh. Corporal.

I wonder if I can see
Colonel Blake?

I wonder if you can, too.

Maj. Margan Houlihet
reporting for duty, sir.

Boy, drunk as a skunk.

-She's tanked.
-A fine time to make
a drinking debut.

Where are
the casualties, sir?

Now just hold your horses.
They're not even here yet.

Well, then let's
go get 'em, sir.
I'll drive.

Major. Major, dear,
you're drunk.

Oh, I'm not so think
as you drunk I am.

You'd better go
to your tent, Major.

I can't operate
in my tent.

You're doing okay so far.

-Aw, go salute yourself!

That's it.
Come on.

We better get her
out of here. Sober her up.

-We're gonna need her tonight.
-Why us?

Well, because--
Because there are a lot
of people around here

who might enjoy seeing
this get on her record.

-And we wouldn't?
-Ah, come on, now,

I think you guys are
in a different league.

Besides, I'm ordering
you to do it.

-Please?
-You said the magic word.

-HOULIHAN: Where are we going?
-MCINTYRE: Never you mind.

What are you doing?

New surgical procedure.

You have to scrub up
from head to toe
in your clothes.

That's ridiculous.

I like it.

More.

You wanna know something?

You really wanna
know something?

-No.
-Okay.

-What?
-I really could
have gone for you.

Well, it's been known
to happen.

Not you. Him.

That curly blond hair
and that crooked smile.

And you're really built, too,
you know, you son of a gun.

And there you were
out of uniform, unshaven,

no sirs, no salute,
no nothing.

That's when I fell
in love with him.

So, where did that leave me?

I turned to that no-lip,
chalk-skinned,

sniveling wife lover.

-Frank Burns.
-Yes.

Did either of you
ever kiss Frank?

Not me.
How about you?

I was hoping maybe
this New Year's Eve.

I probably shouldn't be
telling you this,

but Frank Burns
is a lipless wonder.

Come on now.
Down the hatch.

Ow!

What was that?

A load of B-1 to get you
on your feet again.

And I didn't
get you anything.

-Richardson.
-Lap sponge.

-Number ten blade.
-Gonna do a little
cutting, Frank?

Well, as long as I'm there,
I thought I'd go after
the appendix.

That's not the appendix, Frank.
That's my pinky.

And I'm very fond of it.

Oh.

-Forceps.
-Forceps.

Doctor? Doctors?

Hmm?

I'm grateful to you
for helping me.

-Don't mention it.
-To anyone.

We have reputations
to protect. Suction.

-Suction.
-You know something, Trap?

-Huh?
-You really are built,
you son of a gun.

Here's some more coffee,
Margaret.

Thanks, Frank.

Feeling any better?

Please.

I'd have to be dead
three days to feel better.

Poor darling angel.

Shut up, Frank.

Whatever you say.

I'm just so glad
you're not going anywhere.

That's so true, Frank.

Hi, kids.
Mind if we join you?

Margaret?
Margaret?

I wanna tell you how much
last night meant to me.

I just wanna know that
you're not playing games.

He means it.
I saw him carving your
name on a patient.

What?

All those years I wasted
taking showers by myself.

-Now hold on!
-Watch it, Trap.

-He's got a scalpel
in his sock.
-I do not!

How do you talk so well
with no lips?

Will you listen to that?

Terrific, isn't it, sir?

Yep, it's nice having
the children all together again.