All language subtitles for MASH.S02E12.The.Incubator.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Trapper?

Trapper?

I'm not going to talk
unless you stop screaming.

I'm sorry.

I'll be better after
I shave my tongue.

Does your head hurt?

From the ankles up.

Everything above that,
I leave to science.

I think one of us should try
breathing on a mirror.

Okay.

But do it quietly.

I need a doctor.

-You're a doctor.
-Then I'm the last thing
I need.

Well, at least everybody
cleaned up before they left.

You suppose we died
and we've gone into the army?

Possible.

Who's that?
I don't know him, do I?

That's Dr. Klein.
Eye, ear, nose and guitar.

-Is he alive?
-Yes, but his guts are
in bad shape.

-Shall we wake him?
-No. Look what waking up did
for us.

-RADAR: Morning, sirs.
-Ohh!

What a rotten thing
to say.

Especially first thing
in the morning.

-Wow!
-There were no survivors.

-Is that coffee?
-Oh, yeah, I figured
you'd need some.

Gimme, gimme.

I'll take mine here.

-Is that Dr. Klein?
-It was.

We're gonna wake him
so he can do an autopsy
on himself later.

Oh. Here's your
cases for today.

Radar, I have
the impression

that we woke you
about 3:30 this morning.

No. It was ten to four.

Did we say why?

Uh, you said you wanted
to sacrifice a virgin.

-Did we?
-I was too sleepy.

-Frank?
-Hmm?

-No comment about this?
-About us?

Not today, Doctors.
I'm not playing.

You're not going
to debauch all night,

and then expect me
to cleanse you with
a tongue-lashing.

I'm not your mother.

-Aw, please, Frank.
-Come on, Mom. Please.

No.

HAWKEYE:
You have to.

How are we gonna know
what a great time we had

unless you tell us
how rotten we are?

It's senseless.

You continue to waste
your off-hours
in riotous living

to the detriment of yourselves
as doctors and people.

You know, he's right.

You know, you're right.

I don't have
to take that from you.

We're on a treadmill.
Bandages and booze.

-And broads.
-Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What ever happened
to those two bright-eyed,

and bushy-tailed
young surgeons I once knew?

Was that us?

We're going to get
our tails bushed again.

Come on.
Let's make our rounds.

Twelve hours of I.V.,
then put a ticket
on him to Tokyo.

Yes, Doctor.

Yesterday, remember?
Multiple chest.

Wish you were talking
about a nurse.

Come on, bushy tail.
We got fever.

Nurse, give me
an ice pack here.

Hiya, Rizzo.
How you doing?

My partner and I
operated on you.

Let's stop
this fever stuff.

Yeah, you're gonna
make us look like bums.

We don't need any help
in that department.

He had a full course
of penicillin.
He's not responding.

Let's take some
blood cultures

and see what kind of germ
factory this kid is.

-Nurse?
-Here's the ice pack, Doctor.
Where do you want it?

Take some blood cultures
of Rizzo again.

Rizzo. I did a white count
on him. What's the problem?

We don't know.
Complications. Fever.

Okay. I'll ship this off
to the Tokyo lab.

We'll know what
he has in 72 hours,
then you can treat him.

Seventy-two hours?

The kid's so hot now,
you can fry an egg on his head.

Why don't we have
an incubator here
so we can do our own tests?

Because it would
save time and effort,
and it would make sense.

Can't have any
of that in the army.

All right.
Ship it right away.
Next chopper.

Mark it "soonest." Trap?

Okeydokey!
Now, I want you to

secure legs
"A," "B," "C" and "D"
to the fire bowl.

Then I put rack "A"
into slot "A,"
using washers 1, 2 and 3.

Now all we have to do
is tighten her up

and find our place
for the spits.

And we got
our own barbecue.

Yes, sir.

I tell ya, Radar, I gotta
hand it to the U.S. Army, boy.

They take care
of their own.

You know, sir, I have a friend
down in the 331st Evac.

He says that they just got
a 20-by-40 foot inflatable
swimming pool.

Hey, why don't we
put in for one?

Well, most of the time
it's freezing cold here, sir.

We could stock it with trout.
They're great barbecued.

Oh, yes, sir.
You gonna wanna
use this tonight?

You betcha. I want you
to go see the cook.

He's still
in the hospital, sir.

-Really?
-Captain Pierce said,

he oughta be
on a food-free diet.

Well, then go see
whoever's in charge.

I want a couple of steaks
about yea big.

I'm going to put
those babies on tonight.

Just show 'em the fire.
I like my steaks rare.

Yes, sir.

They gotta scream
when you cut into 'em.

I fix 'em my own way,
you know.

Sprinkle sugar
and pour brandy on 'em.

Uh-huh.

Got a minute, Henry?

Hey, look at this, guys.
Our own barbecue.

I'll show you amateurs
how to put on a party.

We're through with parties
for a while, Henry.

Well, you'll never top
last night.

That was a real wingding.

I'd have bet anything
you couldn't get four people
inside a sleeping bag.

Henry, we're going
back into medicine.
You wanna join us?

-Come again?
-Our lab needs an incubator.

Yeah. We could
speed up diagnoses
and treatment by days.

Well, hell!
We just got the barbecue.

I can't pester them
for an incubator.

Tell them we decided
to open up a hospital
instead of a restaurant.

Radar, how do we go about
requisitioning an incubator?

Now just hold it!
I'm sick and tired

of you guys going over
my head down to Radar!

-Oh, I don't mind, sir.
-Well, I do!

Now, look, this little fella's
got plenty of work to do

without you guys heaping
more responsibility on him.

-Go get those steaks, Radar.
-Yes, sir.

Henry, we got
a patient right now

with an infection
we can't identify.

All because we don't
have an incubator.

All right, that's a point.
Why don't you make a note of it?

Put it in my in-basket,
and I'll get right on it.

Henry, leaving
an idea with you

is like abandoning a baby
in a garbage can.

Now, that's unfair.
I do plenty around here
every day.

I just don't make
a lot of noise about it.

Yeah, you're one
of those quiet sleepers.

-What about the incubator?
-We need it.

Those things cost
five or six hundred dollars.

Henry, the war has
been running for two years.

Surely the government must
be showing a profit by now.

All right, all right.
Let's get one.

Now, that's the Henry we all
sing about around the campfire.

-Radar!
-Radar!

-Uh, Colonel Blake?
-Yo.

Captain Sloan from
Quartermaster Corps
here to see you, sir.

-Colonel.
-Captain. Radar, would you--

Captains Pierce and Mclntyre
are on their way, sir.

Fine, fine. Just so long as
they know I want to see them
before they get here.

-Yes, sir.
-Sit down, sit down.

-Care for a drink?
-Never touch it.

-Ah. Smoke?
-No, thank you.

Well, that only leaves sex.

Afraid we can't
help you there.

Say, you guys in Quartermaster
are doing a bang-up job.

I mean, everybody seems
to have plenty of guns
and bullets and stuff.

Wouldn't be much of a war
without you.

-We hold our end up.
-You do that around here,

you get your
temperature taken.

Oh, Captain Sloan,
these are Captain Pierce--

And these are
Captain Mclntyre.

Hi. How are you?
How about a snort, Henry?

-Hey, we took the pledge,
remember?
-Oh.

-B.T.
-B.T.?

Bushy tail.

Surgeons.

Captain Sloan here
is with Supply.

More accurately,
I'm with the 375th Q.M.H.Q.,
COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.

Maybe I'll have
that drink.

Now, the business at hand
is an incubator,

that is if my lieutenant
understood what your colonel
said you captains want.

-Right.
-And we need one
as soon as possible.

-Well, let's see what
the good book says.
-The good book?

The Manual of Supply
and Requisition.

MANSUPREQ.

Um, "inhalator, indicator,
innoculator, infusilator..."

Here it is: 437-stroke-R2,
incubator.

Thar she blows!

"Device for developing
bacterial cultures

at constant suitable
temperatures."

Uh-huh. I see.
That certainly makes sense.

You can't have one.

Beg your pardon?

I checked your B.E.L.--
basic equipment list.

This unit has everything
it's supposed to have.

You're not entitled
to an incubator.

That would be a...
a luxury.

Luxury?

We're not asking for
a jukebox or a pizza oven.

-Oh, those I can let you have.
-No kidding!

Hey, that would be great
on movie nights.

You got any pizza
requisition forms?

Just use the standard S-1798
and write in "pizza"
where it says "machine gun."

-Captain, are you saying no?
-It's my job to say no.

You do it very well.

I imagine you'll open up
a "no" stand after the war.

You ever been flat
on your back in a hospital

and your doctors didn't know
what to do for you?

I've never had
a sick day in my life.

Was that your own idea
or an order?

Can the snottiness, Pierce.
Man's only trying to do his job.

-Thank you, Colonel.
-Sorry, Captain.

"Thank you, Colonel.
Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient.

"You have a temperature
of a 109-stroke-10.

"Afraid you can't
have an incubator,

"but you can have a pizza
with everything to go.

Unless, of course,
you go first."

Let's stay on the ground,
shall we, Pierce?

Does the book allow us
any ground, Captain?

Otherwise, I'm afraid
I'll have to ask you all
to take a step up.

-Into limbo.
-No, you can't have any limbo.

In fact, you can't have
anything-stroke-nothing,

which is not approved by
STATQUOPAC.

Which is enough to make you
reach for AIRSICKBAG.

Just hold it, Pierce!

Captain, I'd like to formally
apologize for the 4077th.

Have you got any
apology forms in there?

We're gonna get that
incubator, Captain.

We're gonna go forth
and part the red tape.

I'll drink to that.

-Will Scotch be all right
for everybody, sir?
-Yeah, fine, Radar. Perfect.

I ran out of ice, sir,
so I used bourbon.

Radar, I want you to get
on the pipe and find us
an incubator.

Don't stop until you
locate one.

-Is that an order, sir?
-Sure sounded like one to me.

Well, everybody,
happy days.

Stroke, cheers.

-I'm going to resect
this intestine.
-I'm with you.

Number ten blade.

Anything that wiggles, Frank,
is one of my fingers.

-Number ten.
-I think it's safer
with Frank, Henry,

if you hold his knife still
and move the patient back
and forth.

I'm doing just fine!

Colonel Blake?

Show it to Pierce.

-Doctor? From Radar.
-Yes.

Can I see the X-ray?
A little higher.

Hey, terrific.
He's located an incubator.

Three of them at
the 728th Evac in Pusan.
A Major Arnold Morris.

-Jackpot.
-Three cherries straight
across. Thanks.

-Hold this.
-All right, I got it.

Aw, jeepers. Whew!

Guess where we're going
after surgery, Henry.

Oh? Without my permission?

Don't we have it?

Of course you do.

You think I'd let you leave
without my permission?

-Ha! An incubator.
-Three.

May I remind you both
that not everybody
you'll meet down there

is going to be lovable
Colonel Henry Blake.

What are you trying to tell us,
lovable Colonel Henry Blake?

Just take my advice.
Don't show up

looking like a couple
of freelance abortionists.

-Shape up.
-Good thinking, Henry.

I'll wear my pinks.
How about you, Mary?

Can we cut the gab in here?

Aw, look at that.

"Maintains temperature
at a constant 37 degrees
centigrade."

The army guarantees it
for a year or two wars,
whichever comes first.

Just think of the germs
we can hatch in that.
Makes your mouth water.

And it's never been used.

These are still
in their crates.

And they're gonna
stay that way.

I'm Major Morris.

-Captain Pierce.
-Mclntyre. 4077 MASH--

My clerk said you wanted
an incubator. No dice.

But you've got three.

That's right.
If I give one away,
I'll only have two.

-What's wrong with two?
-Two is not as good as three.

-But you're not
even using them.
-Who says I have to?

But what do you do
when you want a culture?

I send a smear to Tokyo.

If I use one of these
and it breaks down,

then I'll only have two.

-That's a sick attitude.
-Well, they're mine.

Just lend us one.
Anytime you want,

you can come over
and borrow a cup of germs.

You guys...

rich, young draftee doctors

all dressed up
like drum majorettes.

Rich? Some of my patients
pay me in kittens.

I never made more than
$10,000 a year in my life.

I was a pediatrician
in a women's prison.

Well, look, Major,
we're not here
from "True Confessions."

You're not here
for no incubator neither.
What's mine is mine.

But in triplicate?

He's a three-lane
schizophrenic.

Say, you know, I think I know
how we can solve this problem.

Why don't you guys
just salute and get
the hell on out of here?

Who's your
commanding officer?

Colonel Lambert
is commanding officer
of this base.

Where would we
find him?

Well, nowhere on the base,
that's for sure.

-Got his own house?
-He's got two of them.

One blonde and one brunette.

HAWKEYE:
We've gotten nothing
but static so far, Colonel.

First from a supply captain
who won't tie his shoe
without a direct order.

Then from a Major Morris,
who, in civilian life,

-is known as Leopold and Loeb.
-All we want is an incubator.

For the simple purpose
of practicing better
and more efficient medicine.

Sir, I appeal to your
sense of what's right.

They're full of it.

That'll be all for now.

I think we'll
have lavender

in the bath this
afternoon, my dear.

Okay, Daddy.

-Now, gentlemen, an incubator.
-Yes, sir.

Were you interested
in just the one?

Yes, Colonel.

If I'm not mistaken,
that lists for 627.50,
F.O.B., Inchon.

Freight, handling,
re-stenciling.

An even thousand
should handle it.

-A thousand dollars?
-Cash.

Ah!

Preparing a little doggie bag
for Switzerland, Colonel?

That was a perfect
diagnosis, Doctor.

Wait a minute.
You sell incubators?

Oh, yes.
Sterilizers, ice cream makers,

pontoon bridges, jeeps,

and, with a week's notice,
the odd B-52.

The crew is extra,
of course.

If you're looking
for a real bargain,

I can let you have
a half-million rolls
of toilet paper,

which I happen
to be sitting on.

-Bravo, Colonel.
-Thank you.

Have you ever thought of
opening your own country?

-You're a thief!
-Of course.

Why should the sergeants
have all the fun?

More tea? Why don't you try
one of these rice cookies?

How much?

I like you.

You have a nasty streak
of morality.

But I like you.

I'm gonna let you
have that incubator...

for $627, cost.

Plus ten percent
for tolerance.

Colonel, unlike you,
we're a nonprofit organization.

Our outfit is a bunch of
little khaki church mice.

I'd like to help you.
Really, I should.

But if I started doing my duty,
where would I wind up?

Well, Trap?
Onward and upward?

That would lead you
to General Mitchell.

General Maynard M. Mitchell.

Honest, true-blue
as the day is long

and about as interesting
as a five-pound bag
of fertilizer.

Ladies and gentlemen,

General Mitchell will
now answer your questions.

Thank you. Uh, Mr. Bowman.

General, today's
news handout

contains casualty figures
and bomb tonnage.

Is there anything
you can add?

No. Only I would add
that there's nothing to add.

General, what can you tell us
about the rumored peace talks?

I'm glad you
brought that up,

and I want to caution you
and all members
of the press here

that any irresponsible
leaks in this area

may lead this war
to a premature peace.

General, can you tell us
why MASH units never
get any incubators?

Our people have this question
under scrutiny at the moment.

Now, if this scrutinization
should yield negative,

then I feel that we must
maximize our efforts. Next.

Sir, I don't want to
minimize your maximize,

but why aren't field
hospitals properly supplied
with incubators?

Field hospitals which
surprisingly attract a great
number of wounded people.

That question has
a lot of buckshot in it.

I'm sure the answer will too.

Let me say this.
The United States Army is

the best equipped
fighting force

since the Roman legions
crossed the Alps into Spain,

each man carrying his mess
kit full of gazpacho.

Let's move on.

I think we've
let enough fresh air

into this incubator picture.

In any case, I wouldn't
want to dwell on it for...

-Security reasons.
-Exactly.

-You have a question?
-Yes, I do.

Why don't you answer
his question?

-Are you two together?
-In all kinds of weather.

-Are you reporters?
-We're doctors.

With a MASH unit.
The ones that don't
have incubators.

Identify yourselves.

Captain John Mclntyre,
4077th MASH.

So am I, except
I'm Captain Pierce.

-Who's your commanding officer?
-We'd rather not say.

He'd like to go through
the war anonymously.

I wonder if you
doctors understand

going through channels,
militarywise-speaking.

Sir, we started
with a captain,

went on to a major,
then to a colonel.

On the way, we've encountered
oral compulsiveness,

raging paranoia
and a colonel

who's shipping Korea
to Switzerland
one dollar at a time.

Which makes you
the next contestant, General.

And the subject you've
chosen is incubators.

And we need one.

General, what about
this incubator situation?

-What was the name of that
colonel you mentioned?
-Now just a minute!

This is a press conference!

The last thing I want to do
is answer a lot of questions!

-What exactly is an incubator?
-It grows germs.

General, are we involved
in germ warfare?

That's a lie!

Holy cow!

Insubordination,
conduct unbecoming officers,

violations of Articles 13
through 27,

with a repeat on 26.

Oh, that must be
"altering salute by
placing thumb on nose."

Henry, there's
something you should
know about those charges.

Yes. We're guilty.

I'll tell you
what else you are.

You're under arrest.
General's orders.

Swell. What do we tell
the casualties?

We only operate
on visiting days?

You gonna lock
us up, Sheriff?

If you guy didn't
outclass every bit of
surgical talent in Korea,

your tails would have been
in handcuffs a long time ago.

Henry, it's no crime,
or it shouldn't be,

for doctors to try to get
decent medical equipment.

Did you really yell,
"Give me an incubator
or give me death"?

Well, it doesn't sound
like anything now.

Yeah. You had
to be there.

Now, look, what the general
doesn't understand is,

I can't take you guys
out of action.

I've got to do something
to punish you.

So I'll leave it to you.

What's a suitable punishment?

Why don't you try spending
a lot of time with us, Henry?

Maybe that's where
we went wrong.

You know how
a kid misses his dad.

A marine company has been
trying to take Hill 19 again.

You guys better suit up.

Let's hope nobody needs
a sample sent to Tokyo.

Wow. Did you really call

a one-star general
a "NINCOMPAC"?

-Hey, sirs? No, wait, look.
-Not now, Radar.

Ta-da!

-Hey!

Happy germs, sir.

Radar, how?

A little wheeling and dealing,
a little horse-trading.

A little of this for that.

And we went all the way
up to a general.

And a little corporal
shall lead them.

You just gotta learn
to start at the top.

Um, uh, sir?

We do have just a little
bit of a problem here.

-What?
-Well, he wants steak
for tonight.

-Barbecued.
-So?

Can you set this thing
for rare?