All language subtitles for MASH.S02E09.Dear.Dad.Three.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Ooh, what a card.

Right in
the old labonza.

Labonza.

Ahem. Go ahead,
cuddles.

-Take a card.
-Don't rush me.

That's against
the rules.

Frank, you slapped
my wrist.

HAWKEYE:
Dear Dad, the war goes on.

And on and on.

Our biggest
enemy is boredom.

We don't know what
to do with ourselves.

I've taken to writing
obscene prescriptions

and throwing them
into the nurses' tent.

You know it's
boring around here

when Trapper and Frank Burns
do anything together.

Gin. Ahem.

You cheated!

Of course I did.
How else could I win?

Just don't talk to me
for the rest of the war!

How about the next war?

That'll be okey-doke
with me, fella.

Fine, we don't talk
for this war

and World War III.

Moron.

Even though we don't
get along personally,

we do manage to have
a professional animosity.

The O.R. continues
to be a very funny place

if you can learn to laugh as
you throw up.

It's like smorgasbord
in the slaughterhouse.

Everything looks so bad.

Let's do the sigmoid colon

before we go
into the bladder.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Now, in India's
sunny clime,

Where I used
to spend my time

a-servin' of
Her Majesty the Queen,

Of all that
black-faced crew,

the finest man I knew

was our regimental
bhisti Gunga Din.

Tho' I've belted you
an' flayed you

by the livin' God
that made you,

You're a better man
than I am, Gunga Din.

-Metzenbaum scissors.
-Metz.

Are we going to have
poetry in surgery now?

There was a young lady
from Kent

who took off her--

Steady, Henry.

How you doin'?

Okay, Doc.

Okay, that
about does it.

But we need another
unit of plasma.

For me?

Yeah, we got
a special this week.

You take a pint of blood
and then we give you

six free highball glasses
that break easily.

Gimme a bottle of
your best stuff, Ginger.

Yes, Doctor.

Hey, make sure I get
the right color blood,

-eh, Doc?
-Huh?

I wouldn't want any of
that darkie stuff, you know.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Colonel?

Yeah, just a minute.

Collins. Yeah.

Sir, you'd better
look at this.

Where is this guy?

He's in the scrub room.

Radar, you can't
let anybody in here

with a grenade
in his pants.

He's not wearing
pants, sir.

Holy cow.

Collins, take over.
Jones, you assist him.

Houlihan,
we'll need your help.

I want a spinal tray,
a major pack,

and some bone
instruments.

You'll need some
more light in there.

-Outta here, Radar.
-Give me that spot.

Pierce, look at this.

The kid's in the pre-op.
Let's go.

Occasionally, Dad,
we get a kid comes in

with an unexploded grenade

that's been shot
into his body--

something they neglected
to tell us about

in med school.

The procedure is simple.

You operate on
a human time bomb

while your life
flashes in front of you

and you promise God
anything He wants

if He'll keep your patient

from blowing up
in your face.

There must be an
easier way for a surgeon

to make $413.50 a month.

All right, Pierce,
there's...

Get another glove,
honey.

Gimme some towels.

-Towels, towels.
-Right, what'd I miss?

Atta girl. All right,
now you get outta here.

-All your nurses.
-Everybody clear outta here.

-Let's go.
-Forget the sandbags.
Just get outta here.

I think
that's long enough.

Well, we'll soon see.

Scalpel.

All right, take it easy.

Gimme some scissors.

I think
that's long enough.

Well, don't shake him.

Sponge.

-Excuse me.
-Sponge.

Boy, this is
one hot potato.

This kid can't be 18.

Let's see if we
can get him to 19.

Sponge.

There it is.

Who's gonna lift it out?

How about the late me?

Gimme some retraction.

-Got it?
-Yeah.

Then steady.

Easy, easy.

Okay, get it
outta here.

I'm glad to report
that the patient

and the doctors survived.

There followed
another operation

which we natives here
call The Happy Hour.

It's a chance
to meet your neighbor.

It's a chance to do
a little better

than meet your neighbor.

This is nice.

Mmm...

I bet we could dance
great together, too.

It really doesn't hurt?

I've done
a hundred hernias.

You think I should
have it done, huh?

Absolutely.

Take off your dress
and say Ah.

-Radar.
-Hmm?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Everybody says
you're a virgin.

Is that true?

I really don't know.

This guy's a
one-star general.

Thirty years a doctor.

Patient's in pain.

Guess what
his orders were.

"Give him a coffee enema."

Oh. My word.

Then I had to open
my big mouth and say

"With cream and sugar?"

You're kiddin'.

He was afraid he'd get
the wrong-colored blood?

Damned fool.

I was on a plane for
Korea in twelve hours.

I mean,
I shoulda done it.

The-The-The coffee
was already brewed.

I mean, what would
it have cost me, huh?

Well, the enema's loss
was our gain, Colonel.

Why don't we pay Condon--

that's his name--

a little
nocturnal visit?

Nothing violent.

Just a bit of
reverse prejudice.

Capital idea.

A hernia?

No, it doesn't
hurt at all.

Honest?

Snip, snip, it's over.

Ooh.

I understand you're in need
of a medical man here.

I see you couldn't
find one.

Where's Condon?

Number 9 with the bedpan
marked "For whites only."

Got the magic mixture?

Yes, master.

Right this way, Igor,
I will show you.

Ah, terrific.

Still sedated?

Just enough.

Cotton.

Cotton.

Somebody's gotta
pick the cotton.

What'd you use?

Tincture of iodine.

It should last
a couple of days.

Perfecto.

Mind if I dab along?

You do his hands.

Coming to you from
the mess tent now.

Not a bad place to eat
if you like cold dishes

like steak, lamb chops,
stew, soup, coffee.

Makes you long for home.

But then almost
everything does.

Which brings me
to Colonel Henry Blake.

He's a lovely man,
our Henery,

but if this weren't a war,

he'd surely be arrested for
impersonating an officer.

How are we coming, Radar?

Almost, sir.

You sure you know
how to work that gizmo?

Oh, yes, sir, you just
feed the leader through,

catch it
on the sprockets,

and hook it on
the ol' take-up reel.

Glad you know how.

I was never very
good with my hands.

I guess that's why you
became a surgeon, huh, sir?

That's very funny,
Radar.

Thank you, sir.

Given up your plans
to become a sergeant?

No, sir.

Hi, Henry.

-Hi.
-Here you go.

What's this?
What's happening?

Dirty movies in
the middle of the day?

Just sit down
and none of your sass.

Whatever you say, Henry.
It's your theatre.

What are you showing?

Oh, the wife sent some film.

One of my kids'
birthday parties.

Hey, that's great.

Help yourself
to a drink.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, we will.

Any time, Radar.

Uh, yes, sir.

Keep your hands
to yourself, Trapper.

HENRY: That's Molly
at the head of the table.

HAWKEYE:
She's adorable, Henry.

TRAPPER:
Real beauty, Henry.

RADAR: Yeah, she's
really pretty, sir.

Just like her mother,
bright as a penny.

Didn't she get anything
from you, Henry?

I'm her boyfriend.

-Great.

-HENRY: Steady, steady.
-TRAPPER: Hey, hey.

Steady.
That's the Missus.

TRAPPER: Hey, she's
all right, Henry.

All right?

She was Succotash Queen
at Illinois Normal.

How did you
bag her, Henry?

Yeah, what'd you do?
Slip her something
in her succotash?

No, I met her
at a freshman mixer.

Uh, she was with
Buzz Wilensky,

captain of
the football team.

Big, handsome
son-of-a-gun, Buzz.

Uh, she took one look
in my direction.

HAWKEYE: And?

And I begged her
to go out with me.

Proposed to her
on the first date,

right there on the ice.

TRAPPER: You really beat
old Buzz' time, huh?

Yeah, he went on to become

the biggest cement
contractor in the Midwest.

HAWKEYE:
Saved her from a life of
prosperity, right, Henry?

Henry, if you don't give
the command to cry, I will.

Wow.

-Turn it off, Radar.
-Yes, sir.

TRAPPER:
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold it, Henry.

HAWKEYE:
Oh, now the dirty movie.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

why did Lorraine
tack that on?

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, terrific, Henry.

TRAPPER: He actually hit
the ground first time.

HENRY:
Got my shoes wet, too.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! Look at this!

HENRY:
Oh, that's embarrassing.

TRAPPER:
Great-lookin' legs,
though, Henry.

HAWKEYE: You've been
over here too long.

HENRY:
Uh, that's Molly.

She must have
been about 3.

That's, uh, Milt Jaffe,
the gynecologist next door.

Oh, that's handy.
Everybody should have
a gynecologist next door.

TRAPPER: I'm afraid to ask
what's on the other side.

-HAWKEYE: Ohh.
-TRAPPER: Yeah. Hey, hey.

-Oh.
-Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe
is loaded for bear.

Oh, wow.

I could see that
all over again.

Mmm.

Why not? Radar?

Uh, yes, sir.

That was very
touching, Henry.

Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

-Tell me one thing.
-Hmm?

Did you and Milt
ever get married?

Radar, how are you doing?

Uh, in a minute, sir.

HAWKEYE: We've just heard
that General Eisenhower

is gonna run
for president.

What some guys won't do
to get out of the army.

Still, some people
make it work for them.

They keep in good
physical shape.

Others occupy themselves
with painting,

finding enjoyment in adding
color to all our lives.

And then there are devotees
of exotic cultures,

who nightly practice their
khaki fertility rites.

Knock-knock.
Anybody home?

Hello, Frank.

Here we are again.

Mmm.

Frank, don't nibble on me
while I'm reading.

-Mm.
-I want to turn a page.

Good, I'll wet
your finger.

Here, turn a whole
lot of pages.

Ohh.

Frank, be honest.
Do you really think of me

as a bag of
desirable bones?

Oh, of course, Margaret.

I have a mind, Frank.
A mind and a brain.

Of course you do.

Let me kiss your brain.

Frank, leave.

And don't slam the door.

Margaret, if I want
this kind of aggravation,

all I have to do is open
one of my wife's letters.

I'm sick to death
of being reminded

that you're
a married man.

Well, how do you
think I feel?

It's not my fault
I'm married.

-She trapped me.
-Ha.

-She did.
-I'll bet.

She did so.

She said she liked me.

And that trapped you?

You should have seen
my skin in college.

I only became a doctor
to clear up my face.

Oh, take your face and--

your married face--
and get out.

Avec plaisir,
Miss Snake-in-the-Grass.

Oh, you should talk,
you two-timing
four-flusher.

-Oh, Frank.
-Oh, Margaret.

Uh, excuse me, Doc.

Uh, not now, soldier.
I'm due in O.R.

There are a lot
of ward people here.

Uh, hey, Miss?

Yes?

What's your problem?

Uh, let me
ask you somethin'.

Did you see me when
I first came here?

Yeah.

Well, am I darker now
than I was then?

I see what you mean.

Are you sure they gave
you the right blood?

Uh...

It's happened before.

They got you down
as white.

Good work, baby.

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

Relax. I won't give you away.

Get outta here.

I'm a lieutenant, soldier.

I don't care
if you are passing.

Watch your mouth.

At the London Zoo,
every day at 4:00,

they have what's known
as the chimps' tea party.

The MASH equivalent is
our monthly staff meeting.

The Pentagon says
it's necessary,

but the kind of
meetings we have

would prolong the war
by at least two years.

Radar, will you call
the roll, please?

Henry, are you kiddin'?
We all know who's here.

Regulations require it.

Well, I can see that.

And it could be that some
of us aren't all here.

Uh, I move that
we take the roll

and then if
somebody's not here,

he's probably
someplace else,

in which case the record
should show it,

unless, of course,
the person making
the record isn't here.

Thank you, Pierce.

-Radar?
-Here, sir.

-Take the roll.
-Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake.

Yo.

Major Margaret Houlihan.

Here.

Major Frank Marion Burns.

Marion.

His folks wanted a boy.

Watch it.
I'm not in the mood for
fooling around tonight.

You hear that, Margaret?

Ahem. Captain
John F.X. Mclntyre.

Hold it. Wait a minute.
We didn't hear Frank's answer.

We don't know if he's here.

Of course I'm here.

Regulations, Frank.

-Radar.
-Here, sir.

No. Ask Frank over there
if he's here.

Oh, yes, sir.

-Major Frank Burns?
-Here.

Captain John F.X. Mclntyre.

TRAPPER: Yo.

Uh, Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce.

Yo-yo.

First Lieutenant
John Patrick Mulcahy.

Here.

Bless this meeting.

And all those
who sail in her.

Radar, will you
read the minutes?

Uh, sir, it happens

it isn't your turn
to chair the meeting.

We go on a rotation basis.

By golly, that's right.

Okay, Radar. Who chaired
the last staff meeting?

-Uh, I did, sir.
-Hmm?

None of you showed up.

But the one before that,
Major Burns did.

And that makes it
Major Houlihan's turn.

Right. Uh, Major Houlihan,

it's your turn
to chair the table.

-I'll take your seat,
and you take mine.
-Fine.

Let it go.

Sorry, Burns.

Um...

Yeah, here's your gavel.

Well, now,
as chair of the month,

I hereby call this
staff meeting to order.

You want to re-bless
the meeting, Father?

We will now hear the minutes
of the last meeting, Corporal.

Uh, I didn't take any.
I was the only one here.

Uh, oh, excuse me.
We do have the minutes

for the meeting before
the last meeting's minutes.

-Read them, Corporal.
-Yes, ma'am.

Ahem.

"Minutes of the last
monthly staff meeting,

which was held
six months ago.

"The motion was made

"that the officers
of this unit

"hold a yearly reunion

"once a year
after the war is over.

"The motion was defeated

"when it failed to receive
even one vote.

"The meeting was soon
declared a shambles

right after
Captain Mclntyre

unscrewed Major Burns'
clusters."

Ah, those were the days.

The purpose of these meetings

is to exchange
information and ideas

for the efficient military
performance of this unit.

The continued abuse
of this forum

by certain of the staff

only reinforces
my low opinion of them.

-Frank?
-Hmm.

You know, in this light,

you look just like
Joan Crawford.

-MARGARET: Colonel Blake!
-Here, sir.

Captain Pierce
is out of order.

I thought you were
guaranteed for a year.

Order!

Look, darling, you wanna meet

and talk about vein grafts
and arterial surgery

or trauma or cardiac arrest,

I'll be as serious
as you want.

But if we're here
for the purpose

of improving our
military efficiency,

I for one couldn't care less

whether the border rocks are
painted red, white, or blue

or whether we form a committee

to study the question of
camouflaging our latrines

or to take Frank's suggestion
of having lifeboat drills

in case we're attacked
by the Korean Navy,

which they don't
even have one of.

Really?

Everything we say here
concerns the war!

Fine. I make a motion
that the war be ended.

I second the motion.

You can't end the war
just like that!

Of course you can!
There's a motion on the floor.

-Let's vote on it.
-You've all heard the motion.

-Those in favor,
raise your right hands.
-Aye!

-Those opposed?
-Nay!

The ayes have it.
Let it be recorded

that the war was ended
on this date at 9:32 p.m.

Okay, last man to
the unemployment office
is a rotten egg.

Corporal, I--

Hiya, boy.

Ready for
a little lunch?

Now I gotta talk
to you, Doc.

Why don't ya have
some food first?

Best medicine
in the world.

-What is it?
-Just what you ordered:

fried chicken
and watermelon.

I never ordered that.

Hey, what are you guys
tryin' to doing to me?

Did you give me the wrong
color blood or not?

All blood is the same.

Ever hear of
Dr. Charles Drew,
soldier?

Who's that?

Dr. Drew
invented the process

for separating blood
so it could be stored.

Plasma.

He died last April
after a car accident
in North Carolina.

He bled to death.

The hospital
wouldn't let him in.

It was for whites only.

See you, fella.

How far away it all seems:

fun, affection, tenderness.

More later, Dad.

It's time to go
on the night shift.

HAWKEYE: Well, Dad,

another day,
another Happy Hour.

Not too much.
I'm praying later.

Look, I'm your
commanding officer.

I can promote you
in the field,

or we can go
back to my place.

Doc?

I, uh, gotta join
my outfit.

I, uh, I just wanna thank
you for patchin' me up.

No charge.

And, uh,

also for givin' me
a lot to think about.

Lieutenant.

Good luck.

One of the happier
Happy Hours, Dad.

Excuse me.
Come on over.

I want you to
meet my friends.

Hey, Hawk. This is
Nurse Anna Lindstrom.

-Oh, hey.
-Hi.

She's with
the Swedish unit.

I thought you two
might hit it off.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

-Have a seat.
I'll get you a drink.
-Okay.

♪ So don't forget, folks

♪ That's what you
get, folks ♪

♪ For makin' whoopee

What is that? Whoopee?

I'll be with you
in a minute, darling.