All language subtitles for MASH.S02E07.L.I.P.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

MAN :
Attention, all personnel.

Tomorrow night's movie
will beFlying Leathernecks,

starring John Wayne,

Ward Bond,
and Maureen O'Hara.

Be sure to see this
with a Marine you love.

I've seen it before,

but that part where
she loses the baby,

that always makes me cry.

Well, they weren't married.
She had to lose it.

Single people
can't have babies.

It's a medical fact
in Hollywood.

Tomorrow night?

The Flying Leathernecks
with John Wayne?

Tonight isn't over yet.

Don't they ever show
anything but war pictures?

I think the army's trying
to prove movies are hell.

Après vous.We're home.

You're pretty fast
with that plural.

I go on duty in
a couple of hours.

I won't spoil you
for the big game.

Tomorrow night.

TRAPPER: A handshake?
That's all you got?

She sounds like a weirdo.

Possibly a fetish.

There's a case
in Kraft-Ebbing.

A woman shook hands
with 400 strange men
in one night.

Her hand is on display

at the Berlin Academy
of medicine and whoopee.

Stop. You're getting me
excited.

I haven't had a handshake
since I was in high school.

Well, my money's
on you, Hawk.

You're the top scorer
in the league.

Disgusting!

Why is it, whenever I come
in here, it's disgusting?

I think that
says it all, Frank.

This is the last straw.

Remind me to order
more straws.

You've been reading
my letter.

What letter, Frank?

This letter
I'm writing to my wife.

I always pull
a hair out of my head

and I place it on the paper,
and that hair is gone.

Maybe your paper
is losing its hair.

Imagine writing
a bald letter home.

Why would we read
your stupid letter, Frank?

I got my own
wife to write.

"My darling,
I'm exhausted.

"I've done eleven
major operations

in the last two days."

You did read it.

You-- You... guys.

We are not.

Doc, can I see you?

It's about
a patient outside.

Oh, I'd like to, Phil,

but right now
I'm on drunk duty.

Major Burns is the ranking
medical officer here.

And as such, I order you
to see the patient.

Please, Hawkeye.
It's important.

Well, if it's
important, uh--

Oh, you write to
your wife, Frank.

Save your hair.

There he is.
That's the patient.

Boy, did his draft board
go crazy.

Hi.

Would you turn on
the headlights?

Step into my office.

He's quiet now,

but he's been crying
constantly, Doc.

A couple of days.

How you doin', pal?

-Ahh.

It's probably just
a touch of colic.

Does that hurt
when I press here?

I don't feel anything.

I think it must
just be colic.

I'll see if I can
get you some stuff

at the dispensary.

He's gonna be all right.

Doc.

There's something else.

I'm being shipped home.

I don't want to leave them.

-You're not married?
-Sort of.

Sort of married is like
sort of a virgin.

She wouldn't-- Uh,

I-I mean, she said
we had to be married first,

so we got married.

You gave her
your dog tags?

You drank out of
the same canteen?

I had the cook marry us.

He used to be
an altar boy.

No wonder everything tastes
like candles around here.

When are you getting
shipped home?

Couple of weeks.

You know what's involved
in getting permission

to marry a Korean?

It takes a couple of weeks
just to find the guy

who tells you
it takes a year.

That's why I came
to you, Hawkeye.

You couldn't just go home
with a Japanese bathrobe

or a turtle with MacArthur
painted on its back?

I'll see what I can do.

-Thanks.
-Oh, hey, Phil.

When it comes time, see me
about the circumcision,

not the cook.

Uh, sir.

Radar, I can't
sign anything now.

I'm sterile.

Oh, Uh, well,
I found the forms

for enlisted men
marrying LIP's, sir.

-Great.
-LIP's?

Oh, that's Army
for the natives, sir.

It stands for Local
Indigenous Personnel.

Leave it to the army
to remind us nobody's human.

Let's see the next one.

Went through the same routine
with Corporal Berlinger.

Remember, sir?

Yeah. Berlinger.
Right.

Yeah. Look, show us the rest
at the table, will you?

Uh, uh, sir?

Uh, the, uh, plane
with John Wayne

didn't get here.

Darn it.

What movie are we
showing tonight?

What have we got on hand?

Uh, well, I could give you
Bonzo Goes to College

or The Thing
That Ate the Bronx.

Uh, show them both.

Preferably
at the same time.

Yes, sir.

What happened
to Berlinger?

Well, he was shacked up

with this very pretty
little local.

-Hmm.
-They wanted to get married.

Boy, look at the chunk
of metal in this kid's belly.

Big enough to be
a '38 Buick.

Okay, thanks, pal.
So?

So Army Intelligence
started their investigation.

-It's SOP.
-What happened?

Well, they went
into her background.

Suction.
Her family, you know.

Unfortunately,
the wars made a lot
of these girls chippies.

Easy, Henry.

We're out of chippies,
Doctor.

I can give you a retractor.

We'll do the jokes, nurse.

-Yes, Doctor.

Henry, why is it assumed
that any girl

who isn't a blue-eyed,
blonde-haired baton twirler

is automatically a pro?

Forceps.

If you're going to get
on your soap box,

we're going to have
to crank up the table.

Clamp. How about
some retraction here?

Wow, look at that.

This kid's sitting
too close to the war.

-Forceps.
-You're not gonna believe this.

Berlinger's investigation
took a year and a half.

-Happy ending?
-He got married.

-Good.
-To the WAC who did
all the paperwork.

-Bad.
-Yeah.

Henry, I can't let
Walker down.

I know, I know.
Clamp.

We gotta get them married
before their kid

is old enough
to get drafted.

Sponges.

Nice idea, this.

It's better than the movie.

I think once you've seen
something eat the Bronx,

you've seen everything
eat the Bronx.

These sandwiches
are good.

I'm lucky the cook wasn't
marrying anybody tonight.

Is that something
I'm supposed to understand?

Not really.

I like eating outside.

In fact, I like doing
almost anything outside.

Fair enough.
Your tree or mine?

I said almost anything.

In that case,
I may just teach you

to play golf one day.

I'm a 3 handicap.

Then you can teach me
to play golf.

What else are you good at?

And I don't mind moving
your answer indoors.

A couple of things.

But I enjoy things
I'm not good at.

You interest me strangely.

Maybe we could be terrible
at something together.

Well, I'm a rotten dancer,
buit I enjoy it.

Excuse me. I couldn't help
noticing you're a wallflower

because you're
such a rotten dancer.

Everybody wants to take me
to the parking lot,

but nobody wants
to dance with me.

I also want to take you
to the parking lot,

but first I'll
teach you to dance.

Are you any good?

I taugth Sarah Bernhardt
how to dance.

She had a wooden leg.

I had to charge her extra.

The secret is three
little steps.

Step 1.

That was Step 2.

What's Step 3?

Which brings us to Step 4.

I thought there were only 3.

That's just
for regular students.

I think you're ready
for advanced training.

I think so, too,

but I don't think this
is the right classroom.

How about tomorrow?
My tent?

Do you have any records
to dance to?

-No.
-Good. I hate dancing.

Uh, sir?

What is it, Radar?

Uh, I finished the S3 LIP
forms on Corporal Walker.

And the CID called,
and they're sending

a Lieutenant Willis
to investigate.

He should be here
at any time.

That's nice.

I also got four officers
to, uh, sign

the J-19 application
and the character reference.

-Sir?
-Yo.

Uh, John Wayne didn't
show up again.

Oh, rats!

Well, what are
we gonna show?

Have you got
any Bonzos left?

Uh, just one, sir.

Uh, Bonzo Runs
for President.

Well, that sounds good.
Show that.

Yes, sir.

And let's have The Thing
that Ate the Bronx.

I could see
that every night.

Oh, me, too.

Also, sir,
Majors Burns and Houlihan

request permission
to see you.

Permission denied.
Tell 'em I'm busy.

Ahem.

They're here, right?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Major Burns wants to make
a formal complaint,

a very serious
formal complaint.

What is it, Frank?

He feels that
Corporal O'Reilly

has been involved
in the Walker matter

to the exclusion of

every other administrative
function on this base.

-Really, Frank?
-Yes!

Supply requisitions
are not being processed.

Duty rosters are late.
I can go on for an hour.

It's incredible.

I mean, Frank, I-I-I never
saw your lips move once.

How do you do that?

We're running a hospital,
not a marriage bureau.

I'm expecting a CID man
here momentarily.

Then we can dispose
of this Walker matter

quick as a bunny.

Only Captain Pierce could
get action that fast.

Just another example of who's
really running this outfit.

That's pretty strong
stuff, Frank.

It's true. You're nothing
but a golf-playing figurehead.

Now, you watch
your language, Frank,

or I might just have to punch
her right in the mouth.

Frank, are you just
gonna stand there

and wait until the birds come
and cover you with leaves?

I haven't said anything
because I'm livid.

I happen to have
a blood-pressure situation.

If I ever let myself
go... Splack!

Splack?

I want you to know that I agree
with everything I've said.

The army has very clear-cut
guidelines and procedures

for marriage applications.

Marriage is a very
serious business.

It requires careful thought
and consideration.

Both parties need
time to think about it

to protect the sanctity
of the institution.

I know in my own case

that only cool
deliberation beforehand

made my marriage
a great union

that will endure forever.

Oh, Frank!

Well, Frank, win a few,
lose a few.

Don't take too much off, Sol.

Regina's crazy about me
the way I am.

Who can blame her?

Can I have the car
tonight, Dad?

I'm afraid not, Andy.

You'll only drive out
to some lonely spot

and start shaking hands.

Nah, that was just
the first date.

We're way past
the handshake stage.

Oh, you figure the earth's
going to tremble tonight.

Also, stars will fall
in Alabama.

On a scale of 10,
I'd say this is 9 3/4.

Your problem is
that you lack confidence.

Would you like
a little tonic, sir?

Why not? I know
I smell great the way I am,

but a little better
wouldn't hurt.

You don't have any tonic.

No, but I have a date. Bye.

I would remind you, sir,
you're a married man.

That's only an ugly rumor
started by my wife.

There you go, Frank.
Write your heart out.

Captain Pierce?

Yo! Come in.

Lieutenant Willis,
CID, Tokyo.

You live here?

Oh, well, you came
at a bad time.

We just had the place
cleaned up.

Pierce, I've been assigned
this Walker deal.

Oh, that was fast.

I'm going to have
to interview you.

Okay, I get up early
or I get up late.

You name it.

I was thinkin' of now.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant,
I have an appointment.

Why the stall?

This is a hospital.
Doctors and nurses.

Where you have
doctors and nurses,

you have a lot
of operating going on.

Some of it even
in surgery.

Your story has
touched my heart, Doc.

But I have fractured
my tail getting up here.

So when do you want
to do it?

Now or never?

Let me put it this way.

I respect how intimidated
you make me feel.

Can I offer you one?

Home-made hooch?

This is wonder booze,
the elixir of life.

Keeps us going.

As long as you're pouring.
Thanks.

First off, I want as much
dope as you can give me

about this Walker guy.

Happy days.

Cheers.

Whoo!

What's in this stuff?

Oh, a little bit of this,
a little bit of that,

a lot of dreams.

Klinger, you got it.

Oh, the cook fixed it
up very nice.

Be careful,
don't spill the gravy.

Listen, will you
do me a favor?

Take it over
to Lieutenant Hoffman.

Tell her, uh, I'll be
there in a half an hour.

-Unavoidable, okay?
-You got it.

Lieutenant.

What's that?

Corporal Klinger.
He's bucking to get out.

I wouldn't take him out
for a $50 bill.

That's highly irregular.

Well, it's harmless.

Okay. Tell me about Walker,

and tell me about the broad.

Uh, if you don't mind,
can we refer to her

as "Kim" and/or
"the young lady"?

Do you know why
those young ladies

want to marry our guys?
Huh?

You think they're really,
uh, crazy about us, right?

Gee, I don't know
why anybody would want
to marry an American

to get away from poverty
and dysentery and starvation?

You just can't
please some people.

You a Republican
or a Democrat?

Who are you
investigating?

I've got to know
your character

if you're vouching
for his.

I tell ya...

a lot of wrong thinking.

A lot of wrong thinking
in this man's army.

Got some more of
this turpentine?

All you want.

So I'm taking out
all my shoulder pads.

I really feel that natural
look is much more soft,

and it helps
the bustline.

It's been almost
an hour.

Well, he did
say it was unavoidable.

How about a little
more chicken?

It's delicious.

Do you have trouble
sleeping with curlers?

Lieutenant, I've given you
a lot of information.

Unless you're writing
a novel about Walker,

it seems to me
that ought to be enough.

I'll tell you somethin'.

I don't see how we can
leapfrog the procedure.

Nothing special here.

Lieutenant?

There's a baby.

You're kidding.

The shackup has produced
a shacklet.

Walker wants to take the girl
and their child back home.

That's what the rush
is about.

They got a kid and
they're not even married?

It's been known
to happen.

Are you crazy?

You call me down here

and tell me the guy
has a baby.

Ooh...

Gimme some more.

Anybody we know?

That is
unfortunately not

the late Lieutenant
Willis, CID.

What happened?

He came here
investigating Walker.

I told him
about the baby.

You nuts?

Well, I'm
an old-fashioned idiot.

I think two people
who have a child

have a right
to get married.

Well, you sure
fouled up Walker.

Your friendly
neighborhood CID man.

That's a real picture.

Almost suitable
for framing.

What do you think?

It's worth a try.

You get started.
I'll be right back.

Oh, it's you.

I'm sorry. I just came
over to apologize.

The coq au vin
was delicious.

Well, why not?
Vintage chicken.

Army surplus '39.

Look, I-I just need
a little more time,

but I'll be back, okay?

And then exactly
at midnight

we'll take off our masks
and go to pieces.

Oh, come on.

That's just a deposit.
You get the rest later.

The rest goes like this.

Mmm. Terrible.

How do you feel?

Pierce, remember?

Who's that?

That's Walker?

Uh, that's McIntyre.

Captain McIntyre,
Lieutenant Willis.

Please don't get up,
even if you can.

I warned you.
This stuff is murder, huh?

How long have I
been here?

About two hours.

And three nurses.

A brassiere?

Or earmuffs, depending
on the weather.

Lieutenant's uniform, sir.
Cleaned and pressed.

Oh, good.

TRAPPER:
The corporal does nice work.

We got out all
the stains, sir,

except for the mascara on
your Good Conduct ribbon.

-Thank you, Corporal.
-You're welcome, sir.

Your, uh, pictures will
be ready in 20 minutes.

Pictures of me and the girls?

A little memento of
your visit to the 4077th.

All beautifully bound
in an album...

engraved "Kill".

Pictures...

lipstick on the shirt...

a bra...

What was in the booze?

Nothin'.

Which is more than we
can say for the bra.

A setup so I'd okay
the Walker application.

Right.

Forget it.

You're calling our bluff?

I framed more guys
in my lifetime

than you'll operate on.

Yes, I'm calling
your bluff.

Yeah, how can you be sure
it didn't happen?

And if it did happen,

we might send the
pictures to your wife.

Or your commanding
officer.

It never happened.

You're right.

We don't have any pictures.
It never happened.

But how can you
be sure?

And if we make
a case out of it,

proof or not,
it goes on your record.

Hey, Lieutenant.

You're right,
don't sign it.

Take a chance.

Yeah.

What do I care if Walker
marries some bimbo?

Let's see him
get an apartment

when he gets back
to the States

with a Korean wife.

How about
a little drink?

On top of this?

I'll tell you something,
the way you guys operate,

I wouldn't mind if you
took care of my hernia.

With or without pictures?

REGINA:
Here we are.

HAWKEYE:
Plural at last.

You make me nervous.

I'm doing my best.

I've been nervous since
the first time I saw you.

You got a remedy,
Doctor?

Take two aspirin
and go to bed.

I don't have
any aspirin.

Well, we can skip
the first part.

A toast first.

To the beginning.

And the middle
and the end.

Boy, when you make a toast,
you don't fool around.

-Hawkeye?
-Yes. Whatever.

You never told me what all
the unavoidable delay

tonight was about.

Couple of people I know
wanted to get married.

And I-I expedited
the paperwork.

Oh, that's sweet.
You're a sweet man.

I love your perception.

Why a bad time?

The, uh, the army
wasn't sure the girl

was good enough for one
of their draftees.

C'mon... just...

You know Phil Walker?
Over in X-ray?

Her name is Kim.

Personally,
I prefer Regina...

Kim? Isn't that
a Korean name?

No, not necessarily,

but in this case it is,
which works out fine

'cause Kim is Korean.

You fixed it so someone
could marry a Korean?

That's why you stood me up?

Who stood you up?

You don't see this adorable
person sitting here,

lips at the ready?

I just want to make sure

I have all the facts,
that's all.

What is this, an interview
for Stars and Stripes?

Fact one Phil loves Kim
and Kim loves Phil,

so much so they created
fact two, a baby.

Now Phil is being
shipped home

and he wants to take
his wife and baby with him.

Pretty complicated, huh?

And so you had to arrange
for a marriage between

one of our guys and a gook.

Kim is Korean.

Well, it's a matter
of semantics.

What are you--

What are you trying
to tell me?

You don't care
for LIP's?

Not when they marry
our people.

Our people?

Since-Since I'm one of them,
now, who-who are we?

Whites, silly.

Oh, us. Of course.

What are you doing?

I think I want
my handshake back.

You're built,
Lieutenant. You--

You've got a body I'd like
to take a lifetime

getting to know,
and once I've learned it,

I'd like to start
at the top and go down

to the bottom again,
but, uh...

but somewhere in that
luscious chemistry

are some pretty
unappetizing ideas.

I don't think I can
take the mix.

Good night,
Lieutenant Hoffman.

Make that goodbye,
Lieutenant Hoffman.

I forgot my wine.

I-Is that all?

No, actually,
there's one more thing.

MULCAHY:
...in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

The ring, please.

Your mommy and daddy
are getting married.

-"With this ring..."
-With this ring, I thee wed.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Hey, guys! Guys!
I caught the bouquet!

Well, don't look at me.