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All language subtitles for Kondom des Grauens.Killer Condom.1996.RUS.GER.DVDRip.XviD.AC3.ENG

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:02,450 Come on, Phyllis 2 00:01:09,763 --> 00:01:13,057 Where are we? I thought you were taking me home? 3 00:01:14,593 --> 00:01:15,981 Evening. What can I do for you? 4 00:01:16,508 --> 00:01:18,826 We'd like a double room 5 00:01:19,155 --> 00:01:21,309 With shower and toilet? - Yes 6 00:01:21,989 --> 00:01:24,101 Room 308. - Thanks 7 00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:25,530 Come on - But... 8 00:01:26,202 --> 00:01:27,861 Hello, Rebecca ! 9 00:01:28,162 --> 00:01:29,636 Hi, Robinson 10 00:01:30,662 --> 00:01:33,635 Got a room? Lover boy wants to show me his dick 11 00:01:34,609 --> 00:01:37,841 Excuse me for asking, but is there a... 12 00:01:38,782 --> 00:01:41,924 Where in this hotel... 13 00:01:42,325 --> 00:01:45,842 is there a contraceptive dispenser? 14 00:01:46,056 --> 00:01:48,465 There are rubbers on every bedside table 15 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,838 It's part of the service 16 00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:52,804 How thoughtful 17 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:58,016 I'm sure you're wondering what all this is about 18 00:01:58,474 --> 00:02:00,044 You see, my dear... 19 00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:04,747 I'm afraid I was lying this morning when I said you'd passed your exams 20 00:02:05,953 --> 00:02:08,149 Lying? - Yes, Phyllis 21 00:02:08,694 --> 00:02:10,737 You're 9 points short: 22 00:02:11,194 --> 00:02:14,267 4 in sociology and 5 in psychology 23 00:02:16,401 --> 00:02:20,076 - But that's terrible! - No, it isn't 24 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,606 You know why? Because I'm your examiner 25 00:02:24,689 --> 00:02:27,092 You're a hard-working girl, Phyllis 26 00:02:27,621 --> 00:02:29,313 You deserve to graduate 27 00:02:30,588 --> 00:02:34,039 I'll just add 9 points to your grade. Nobody will know. 28 00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:36,805 It'll be our little secret 29 00:02:37,613 --> 00:02:40,349 But you have to do something for me 30 00:02:41,707 --> 00:02:44,530 I'm crazy for you - Vice-principal! 31 00:02:44,722 --> 00:02:48,371 I've worshipped you for years. Please take your blouse off. 32 00:02:49,056 --> 00:02:52,832 You can't imagine how long I've waited for this moment. 33 00:02:53,112 --> 00:02:55,663 The years of suffering... 34 00:02:56,258 --> 00:02:57,592 Don't touch me! 35 00:03:03,921 --> 00:03:05,050 Very well. 36 00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:07,566 I don't want to force you, 37 00:03:08,202 --> 00:03:12,555 but under the circumstances I can't help you either. 38 00:03:12,956 --> 00:03:16,829 You're parents will be very disappointed. But you wanted it that way. 39 00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:26,433 I see you're being sensible. That's good, Phyllis. 40 00:03:28,355 --> 00:03:30,886 Don't cry. Please. 41 00:03:31,997 --> 00:03:36,091 Hey, did you know that hotels give out free condoms? 42 00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:38,310 What? 43 00:03:38,311 --> 00:03:41,285 This safer sex campaign must be costing the government billions 44 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:48,155 There... Now just lie down and relax. 45 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:51,730 But... 46 00:03:52,450 --> 00:03:53,450 What... ? 47 00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:16,450 The Killer Condom 48 00:04:39,324 --> 00:04:42,053 This is a non-smoking elevator, you jerk! 49 00:04:44,001 --> 00:04:45,511 Stinks like an ashtray 50 00:04:57,159 --> 00:04:58,440 Morning, Detective! 51 00:05:00,810 --> 00:05:05,762 Hey, Macaroni! Some pimp over on 42nd Street put his mother in a clothes dryer 52 00:05:05,928 --> 00:05:08,646 and threw it out the window. You want the case? 53 00:05:08,858 --> 00:05:11,172 Give him a bottle of aspirin and a coffee first. 54 00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:16,448 That isn't my department. You think I'm a fireman or something? 55 00:05:16,997 --> 00:05:18,781 Damn right! Precisely! 56 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,250 Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr Macaroni! 57 00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:26,069 Morning, Captain - Don't change the subject! 58 00:05:26,814 --> 00:05:30,001 If I send for you, you're to move your ass getting here. 59 00:05:30,255 --> 00:05:31,271 Is that clear? 60 00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:32,898 It's my day off, sir. 61 00:05:35,747 --> 00:05:36,720 See them? 62 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,334 I thought I'd seen everything but this takes the cake! 63 00:05:42,223 --> 00:05:45,088 - Any motive? - No. One had a little coke, 64 00:05:45,259 --> 00:05:47,550 one stinks of advocaat. Nothing major 65 00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:50,579 Fact is, they bit off their clients... 66 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,616 ... genitalia 67 00:05:54,015 --> 00:05:57,494 There's a line of four pricks down the lab 68 00:05:57,671 --> 00:05:59,460 but these girls are playing dumb. 69 00:05:59,761 --> 00:06:03,024 - You said four pricks? - There's a fourth girl 70 00:06:03,246 --> 00:06:06,924 She's no whore, mind. A clean kid from Oklahoma. 71 00:06:08,058 --> 00:06:10,725 There was... all that blood... 72 00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:14,530 and the p... p... penis... 73 00:06:14,630 --> 00:06:17,530 jumped on the floor... and ran under the bed. 74 00:06:17,570 --> 00:06:19,279 It's your case, Macaroni. 75 00:06:19,454 --> 00:06:23,241 I want a report on my desk by this evening, OK? 76 00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:26,644 Is sex always like that? 77 00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:35,861 Look, we've been waiting for over half an hour. 78 00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:38,523 Why are you holding our daughter? 79 00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:41,443 We're not really sure what happened. 80 00:06:41,962 --> 00:06:43,070 Oh my god... 81 00:06:43,651 --> 00:06:47,192 Is she hurt? - Don't worry. Phyllis is OK. 82 00:06:47,894 --> 00:06:51,351 It's just that the whole thing is a little delicate. You see... 83 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:54,204 Get to the point! What happened to her? 84 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,552 I don't want to worry you but... - Listen, Detective: 85 00:06:58,148 --> 00:07:02,842 We didn't fly in from Farmville Oklahoma to listen to your lame excuses. 86 00:07:03,128 --> 00:07:06,930 Either tell us what happened to her or let me speak to your superior! 87 00:07:08,498 --> 00:07:11,865 In a sleazy hotel in one of the worst areas of New York, 88 00:07:12,025 --> 00:07:14,811 your daughter bit off her college professor's penis. 89 00:07:17,399 --> 00:07:18,466 Cigarette? 90 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,651 What was that? 91 00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:27,810 It's a clear-cut case: 92 00:07:28,454 --> 00:07:32,010 When we broke the door down to get in, Phyllis was on the bed screaming. 93 00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:34,866 A man was found unconscious on the floor. 94 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,090 His penis was found under the bed. 95 00:07:42,605 --> 00:07:44,863 There must be some mistake. 96 00:07:45,785 --> 00:07:48,706 That isn't possible... Detective! 97 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:54,060 It might interest you to know that this isn't anything unusual. 98 00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:59,663 Four penises bit the dust in that hotel last night. 99 00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:03,683 And a guy out on 42nd Street put his mother-in-law in a clothes dryer 100 00:08:03,857 --> 00:08:05,559 and threw it out the window. 101 00:08:06,356 --> 00:08:08,610 This is New York, sir. 102 00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:13,400 Things are a little different than in Farmville Oklahoma. 103 00:08:14,201 --> 00:08:18,126 Take Phyllis home with you. She'll only pick up bad habits here. 104 00:08:18,286 --> 00:08:21,748 You know what kids are like. They have to try everything. 105 00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:54,108 What is it people like about this city? 106 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:59,165 I mean, some people go starry-eyed just at the mention of "New York". 107 00:08:59,476 --> 00:09:02,945 New York: The city of cities, the ultimate metropolis. 108 00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:06,290 Then they'll tell you about shitty museums and restaurants. 109 00:09:07,535 --> 00:09:12,003 I spent my childhood in Sicily on my family's run-down plot of land. 110 00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:15,296 It was quiet and peaceful and the wind blew through the trees. 111 00:09:15,910 --> 00:09:19,659 I often think about those days when I'm stuck in traffic in New York, 112 00:09:19,842 --> 00:09:22,435 caught between the pedestrians, the fumes and the busy streets. 113 00:09:23,197 --> 00:09:26,719 The streets are a stinking cesspool, a playground for perverts. 114 00:09:26,948 --> 00:09:31,392 Even good girls from Oklahoma end up biting off some guy's dick. 115 00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:34,820 As a cop, you lose touch with reality. 116 00:09:35,003 --> 00:09:37,238 You see nothing but filth and scum. 117 00:09:37,969 --> 00:09:40,736 There may well be good things in this city, 118 00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,659 but it's my job to rummage deep down in the dirt. 119 00:10:40,043 --> 00:10:42,284 - Hi, Luigi. - Hi, Robinson. 120 00:10:42,496 --> 00:10:44,250 Where did it happen? 121 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,950 Room 308. What's with these whores, 122 00:10:48,155 --> 00:10:51,908 biting their Johns' dicks off? They live off those dicks. 123 00:10:52,072 --> 00:10:53,927 OK. Give me the key to 308. 124 00:10:54,456 --> 00:10:56,250 You'll find nothing but blood. 125 00:10:56,413 --> 00:10:58,924 There's blood everywhere. It's going to cost me a fortune. 126 00:10:59,266 --> 00:11:00,920 There's a trail of blood 127 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:06,209 from the bed to the bathroom, and there's gobs of it up the wall! 128 00:11:06,568 --> 00:11:08,415 I can't leave it like that, can I? 129 00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:11,820 I've seen a lot of things in my time, 130 00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:14,866 but this really beats everything! 131 00:11:24,879 --> 00:11:26,251 You've still got one, haven't you? 132 00:11:35,992 --> 00:11:38,146 I'll send the D. A. the bill. What d'you think? 133 00:11:39,521 --> 00:11:41,632 Who's the boy? - What boy? 134 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,890 That's Billy. Quite a good earner, that boy. 135 00:11:47,305 --> 00:11:49,762 Brings in a lot of customers. 136 00:11:50,141 --> 00:11:52,269 By the way, have you found the prick yet? 137 00:11:52,548 --> 00:11:55,723 I looked everywhere: Under the cupboards, behind the toilet. 138 00:11:56,093 --> 00:11:59,384 Quit yacking, Robinson. Give me the key. 139 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,570 What do you want in there, Luigi? 140 00:12:02,813 --> 00:12:04,155 I already told you... 141 00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:07,617 Did you know the little dick-chomper was under age? 142 00:12:11,042 --> 00:12:14,609 If she hadn't bitten down so hard I'd have thought she had baby teeth. 143 00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:27,999 Loogi! 144 00:12:29,385 --> 00:12:31,886 Hi, Bob! What are you doing here? 145 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:33,643 I'm singing. 146 00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:36,540 And I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette now. 147 00:12:37,338 --> 00:12:42,096 This isn't exactly Broadway, but I heard that a famous producer screws here 148 00:12:42,882 --> 00:12:47,479 He'll discover me, take me to Hollywood and I'll end up bathing in champagne. 149 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:50,508 - Good luck. - Loogi! 150 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,602 Don't call me Loogi. It's Luigi! 151 00:12:55,314 --> 00:12:58,458 - Loogi doesn't exist anymore. - I always call you Loogi! 152 00:12:59,616 --> 00:13:02,192 In our night, it drove you wild. 153 00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:04,232 But you want to forget all that. 154 00:13:04,842 --> 00:13:07,541 Exactly. And so should you, Bob. 155 00:13:08,262 --> 00:13:09,634 Don't even think about it. 156 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,836 But I do! Loogi, we've got to talk! 157 00:13:14,531 --> 00:13:16,848 I didn't know we had anything to talk about. 158 00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:18,949 I'm in therapy. 159 00:13:20,390 --> 00:13:21,655 Good. And I'm on duty. 160 00:13:22,813 --> 00:13:24,779 Is that all you have to say? 161 00:13:25,862 --> 00:13:28,141 Look at me, Loogi. You made me what I am. 162 00:13:28,797 --> 00:13:31,477 My therapist says you need me. 163 00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:35,202 That you love me, but you're too proud to show me your real feelings. 164 00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:38,657 He says I remind you of your mother 165 00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:42,187 and that you are plagued by the thought of having slept with your mother. 166 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,842 But Loogi... 167 00:13:44,377 --> 00:13:46,452 I'm not your mother! 168 00:13:46,637 --> 00:13:48,390 - Really? - I'm your boyfriend, 169 00:13:48,605 --> 00:13:51,384 your girlfriend, even your mother, if you want. 170 00:13:51,695 --> 00:13:54,497 Many men have sexual fantasies about their mother. 171 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:57,252 That's Psychology 101 172 00:13:57,678 --> 00:14:01,849 - What sort of a therapist is he? - Remember how wonderful it all was... 173 00:14:02,024 --> 00:14:06,530 What are you talking about, Bob? - You showed me what sex really means. 174 00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:12,826 It was euphoria, ecstasy, passion, lust, pain and happiness! 175 00:14:13,535 --> 00:14:14,770 It was the meaning of life! 176 00:14:16,788 --> 00:14:20,035 It lasted 3 minutes maximum. I fell asleep halfway through. 177 00:14:20,196 --> 00:14:21,449 I was wrong, Bob. 178 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,649 I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette. 179 00:14:26,262 --> 00:14:27,179 And I love you. 180 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,356 Listen, Bob... 181 00:14:28,537 --> 00:14:29,382 Babette! 182 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,010 OK, Babette. 183 00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:34,100 Whatever happened that night, 184 00:14:34,294 --> 00:14:36,885 I can't remember it, and I didn't want it to happen. 185 00:14:37,404 --> 00:14:39,996 You should just forget me and try to get your act together. 186 00:14:42,702 --> 00:14:44,093 You're not a transvestite... 187 00:14:44,914 --> 00:14:46,932 I look like you mother and you love me. 188 00:14:47,124 --> 00:14:49,155 My therapist told me that and it's true! 189 00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:54,012 I've got work to do, Bob. See you. 190 00:14:57,452 --> 00:14:59,189 Loogi! Who is that? 191 00:15:00,447 --> 00:15:01,713 Leave me alone. 192 00:15:02,107 --> 00:15:04,348 Are you having an affair with him? 193 00:15:04,668 --> 00:15:07,874 - I pity you. - Oh, yeah? Well I pity you! 194 00:15:08,036 --> 00:15:10,402 You're just afraid of your feelings! 195 00:15:10,562 --> 00:15:12,645 Stronger personalities intimidate you! 196 00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:15,236 You're nothing but a little Sicilian faggot! 197 00:15:16,156 --> 00:15:18,510 if you call me a faggot again, 198 00:15:18,688 --> 00:15:22,960 I'll squeeze the artificial hormones out of these pathetic tits, got it? 199 00:15:24,018 --> 00:15:25,406 Go on, hit me! 200 00:15:32,162 --> 00:15:34,053 I know you love me. 201 00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:35,731 Who was that? 202 00:15:36,223 --> 00:15:38,151 My mother. Didn't you hear? 203 00:15:38,487 --> 00:15:40,820 Are you a cop or something? 204 00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:43,057 Why? 205 00:15:44,018 --> 00:15:45,505 Don't you screw cops? 206 00:15:45,668 --> 00:15:48,379 Don't know. Never been asked before. 207 00:15:49,344 --> 00:15:51,250 So are you a cop or not? 208 00:15:54,024 --> 00:15:57,855 I have a dick like a cop, I screw like a cop, maybe I am a cop. 209 00:15:58,024 --> 00:16:01,688 Imagine I'm an insurance salesman if it turns you on. 210 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,257 That's... 211 00:16:47,732 --> 00:16:48,570 That's... 212 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,738 Exactly 32 centimetres. 213 00:16:54,290 --> 00:16:55,334 Hey, can we get started? 214 00:16:56,194 --> 00:16:58,329 - That's a real turn-on. - What? 215 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,890 Getting laid by a cop. 216 00:17:28,777 --> 00:17:30,325 That rubber moved. 217 00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:33,690 - I swear it did! - Bullshit! 218 00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:34,983 Wait, 219 00:17:35,483 --> 00:17:36,640 I've got some myself. 220 00:17:36,998 --> 00:17:38,232 Black ones are sexier anyway. 221 00:17:38,656 --> 00:17:41,416 Does it matter? You can't feel the difference. 222 00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:43,325 I just don't trust these hotel ones. 223 00:17:52,159 --> 00:17:54,004 What was that? - Some kind of bug. 224 00:17:54,164 --> 00:17:55,535 - Really? - Yes. 225 00:17:55,695 --> 00:17:59,622 A bug? That was the rubber. It hissed at us and ran away. 226 00:17:59,782 --> 00:18:02,528 - You saw it too! - I didn't. 227 00:18:02,688 --> 00:18:06,216 - I'm not stupid. It was the rubber. - Give me my lighter, will you? 228 00:18:06,387 --> 00:18:08,956 - Where is it? - In my pants: right pocket. 229 00:18:13,781 --> 00:18:15,046 - Here. - Thanks. 230 00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:46,861 Hi Luigi. 231 00:18:47,988 --> 00:18:48,899 Hi, Sam. 232 00:18:52,789 --> 00:18:54,319 How's it hanging? 233 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,113 Crookedly. 234 00:18:58,509 --> 00:19:00,379 The beast bit off my right ball. 235 00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,112 What? That gay guy? 236 00:19:03,355 --> 00:19:06,041 No! It was a condom, Sam. 237 00:19:06,756 --> 00:19:10,239 There is a prick-eating rubber up there in that hotel room. 238 00:19:10,674 --> 00:19:11,474 Really? 239 00:19:12,175 --> 00:19:16,232 Well it looks like one anyway. The moment you roll it on, it bites you. 240 00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:24,364 OK, Luigi. I'll tell you what I think: 241 00:19:25,571 --> 00:19:28,530 You've got involved with a drug-crazed criminal call-boy again 242 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,965 who took a good bite in his frenzy. 243 00:19:32,148 --> 00:19:35,049 Or else it was some sick sado-masochistic game. 244 00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:37,967 - Something like that. - No! 245 00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:38,868 No? 246 00:19:38,869 --> 00:19:42,604 Robinson saw him running half-naked out the elevator into the street. 247 00:19:42,851 --> 00:19:43,866 He panicked. 248 00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,206 Have you ever seen a carnivorous condom? 249 00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:48,279 It was hell Sam. You'd have run too. 250 00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:52,450 OK, Luigi. 251 00:19:54,842 --> 00:19:57,022 Oh, sorry. I just wanted to... 252 00:19:57,798 --> 00:20:00,695 Detective Macaroni, smoking is not permitted in here. 253 00:20:01,022 --> 00:20:04,728 If you do not put it out immediately, I shall get very unpleasant. 254 00:20:06,365 --> 00:20:09,171 And that's a pill-box, not an ashtray. 255 00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:13,267 Take the blue ones this evening and the red ones in the morning. 256 00:20:14,462 --> 00:20:17,152 You've passed water. That's a good sign. 257 00:20:17,587 --> 00:20:20,972 It means you're over the worst. - Thanks, Dr Riffleson. 258 00:20:21,797 --> 00:20:23,520 That's what I'm here for. 259 00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:31,359 No, I won't! And definitely not without a rubber. 260 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:34,807 You're so drunk you won't get a boner anyway. 261 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,450 Oh yeah? I always get a hard-on. 262 00:20:38,793 --> 00:20:42,730 Are you serious? D'you really think I'm going to touch your filthy cock? 263 00:21:12,016 --> 00:21:13,568 13 pricks, Sam! 264 00:21:14,018 --> 00:21:17,943 When I was in hospital, 13 guys lost their pricks in that hotel. 265 00:21:18,131 --> 00:21:22,439 - What d'you think is going on? - How do I know? Could be anything. 266 00:21:22,623 --> 00:21:26,099 We've searched the entire hotel. There's nothing there! 267 00:21:26,464 --> 00:21:30,206 It's a condom, Sam. I'm telling you it's a goddamn condom! 268 00:21:30,371 --> 00:21:32,765 The place is full of them! 269 00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:36,470 I refuse to talk about man-eating rubbers. 270 00:21:36,638 --> 00:21:40,629 We have to talk about it, Sam! I saw it! 271 00:21:40,792 --> 00:21:43,723 It's because of that condom that I'm missing my right nut! 272 00:21:43,884 --> 00:21:45,719 And I was damn lucky too! 273 00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:53,487 There's no such thing as killer condoms. 274 00:21:54,041 --> 00:21:55,062 Really? 275 00:21:55,528 --> 00:21:56,733 Then look at this. 276 00:21:59,755 --> 00:22:01,005 What are you doing? 277 00:22:01,291 --> 00:22:02,554 Look at it, Sam. 278 00:22:04,213 --> 00:22:06,765 I've had a hard day, Macaroni. 279 00:22:06,927 --> 00:22:09,731 Spare me the sight of your genitalia. 280 00:22:10,071 --> 00:22:12,530 What do you think did this? A dust mite? 281 00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:14,669 That boy... 282 00:22:15,371 --> 00:22:16,546 It wasn't him! 283 00:22:17,049 --> 00:22:19,690 It was the condom, Sam! The condom! 284 00:22:20,294 --> 00:22:22,112 It's got 13 pricks on its conscience. 285 00:22:22,365 --> 00:22:25,201 13 pricks and one ball. 286 00:22:38,303 --> 00:22:40,346 What do you think I should be doing? 287 00:22:40,887 --> 00:22:43,464 Sending officers out to frisk condoms? 288 00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:45,474 I can see the headlines now: 289 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:49,132 "Police Hunt for Crazed Contraceptive. " 290 00:22:49,314 --> 00:22:52,684 That's OK, Sam. You keep on doing what you always do: nothing! 291 00:22:53,524 --> 00:22:55,964 I'll just have to deal with this psycho myself. 292 00:22:57,102 --> 00:22:58,373 That's not bad: 293 00:22:58,924 --> 00:23:01,608 "One on One: Cop vs. Condom. " 294 00:23:05,616 --> 00:23:09,871 If someone had told me about biting rubbers 3 weeks ago, 295 00:23:10,045 --> 00:23:14,208 I'd have said he was nuts. Now I have no problem with the idea. 296 00:23:14,901 --> 00:23:18,393 We are constantly being confronted by new concepts: 297 00:23:18,578 --> 00:23:19,921 "Internet", "cyberspace", 298 00:23:20,581 --> 00:23:23,829 "BSE", "high-risk groups", "Take That". 299 00:23:24,209 --> 00:23:26,785 Why not "killer condom"? 300 00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:31,334 I order them from a wholesaler in Queens. 301 00:23:32,523 --> 00:23:34,505 Why? Is there something wrong with them? 302 00:23:36,076 --> 00:23:38,727 These rubbers aren't wrapped individually. 303 00:23:38,996 --> 00:23:40,850 That's why they're so cheap! 304 00:23:41,564 --> 00:23:44,730 Did all the incidents happen in the same room? 305 00:23:44,997 --> 00:23:46,877 It began in 308. 306 00:23:47,242 --> 00:23:49,746 But after the sixth guy lost his pecker 307 00:23:49,910 --> 00:23:52,409 I stopped giving the key out. 308 00:23:52,650 --> 00:23:54,066 And it moved to 309! 309 00:23:54,707 --> 00:23:57,340 That boy I was with... 310 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:00,521 - The one who bit your ball off? - He didn't! 311 00:24:00,682 --> 00:24:02,871 - But the cops said... - Bullshit! 312 00:24:03,495 --> 00:24:04,652 Have you seen him again? 313 00:24:04,904 --> 00:24:06,223 He hasn't come back. 314 00:24:07,442 --> 00:24:09,211 Loogi! You're out of the hospital! 315 00:24:10,528 --> 00:24:11,693 Looks like it. 316 00:24:12,295 --> 00:24:14,082 I was so worried about you 317 00:24:14,826 --> 00:24:16,880 - Please, Bob... - It's Babette! 318 00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:20,974 What did that little bastard do to you? Is your dick OK? 319 00:24:22,311 --> 00:24:23,409 It's gone. 320 00:24:26,292 --> 00:24:27,540 Oh my God. I'm so sorry. 321 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,443 That's OK. There's more important things than sex. 322 00:24:30,701 --> 00:24:32,490 Sam said it was one ball... 323 00:24:33,251 --> 00:24:36,461 It bit the dick too. Now it's in some hospital trash can. 324 00:24:37,088 --> 00:24:38,262 That's terrible... 325 00:24:38,887 --> 00:24:39,955 I feel so sorry for you... 326 00:24:40,891 --> 00:24:43,758 It must have been horrible... 327 00:24:46,301 --> 00:24:48,565 You're lying. What's that in your pants? 328 00:24:49,896 --> 00:24:51,085 The bandage. 329 00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:56,004 Very funny! But you won't get rid of me that easily. 330 00:24:57,053 --> 00:24:58,030 See you, Bob. 331 00:24:58,552 --> 00:25:00,301 It's Babette. Babette! 332 00:25:18,892 --> 00:25:21,850 For a moment I thought about going to see Billy. 333 00:25:22,033 --> 00:25:23,851 I couldn't get him out of my head, 334 00:25:24,021 --> 00:25:27,127 Even though I'm not sentimental. 335 00:25:28,156 --> 00:25:30,715 I don't kid myself about love anymore. 336 00:25:30,921 --> 00:25:34,243 I mean, what is love? It all boils down to sex anyway. 337 00:25:35,351 --> 00:25:36,205 It's not about me, 338 00:25:36,967 --> 00:25:39,590 but this enormous thing between my legs. 339 00:25:40,063 --> 00:25:41,130 Still, 340 00:25:41,717 --> 00:25:43,608 I sometimes long for something else. 341 00:25:44,088 --> 00:25:45,354 A little warmth. 342 00:25:45,863 --> 00:25:48,585 Someone who's there when you come home. 343 00:25:54,328 --> 00:25:55,610 Am I disturbing you? -What? 344 00:25:57,675 --> 00:25:59,124 No, I... 345 00:26:00,343 --> 00:26:01,837 I'm a little... 346 00:26:02,214 --> 00:26:05,187 - I can go if you like. - No, it's OK. Come in. 347 00:26:14,722 --> 00:26:16,506 So why are you here? 348 00:26:18,488 --> 00:26:21,042 If we... I mean... 349 00:26:21,465 --> 00:26:25,128 If it hadn't been for that condom... 350 00:26:25,438 --> 00:26:27,360 and we'd... well, you know... - What then? 351 00:26:27,544 --> 00:26:29,847 - I wouldn't have charged you. - Oh yeah? 352 00:26:30,133 --> 00:26:31,706 I don't charge if I enjoy it. 353 00:26:33,156 --> 00:26:36,713 It's your job. You live off that shit. I'd have given you a few dollars for it. 354 00:26:38,046 --> 00:26:39,560 If you want... 355 00:26:40,244 --> 00:26:41,799 I'd like to see you again sometime. 356 00:26:44,338 --> 00:26:45,253 Well... 357 00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:48,370 My nut needs R&R at the moment. 358 00:26:48,736 --> 00:26:51,325 I don't mean sex. We could... - Do what? 359 00:26:52,207 --> 00:26:54,131 Go dancing? Hold hands? 360 00:26:54,455 --> 00:26:57,258 Exchange perfumed love letters? - Well... 361 00:26:57,420 --> 00:26:58,282 Listen, kid: 362 00:26:58,687 --> 00:27:01,133 I'm too old for this sort of thing. 363 00:27:01,636 --> 00:27:03,783 I've given up on great love stories. 364 00:27:04,110 --> 00:27:06,656 - But I only wanted to... - Precisely! 365 00:27:07,757 --> 00:27:09,236 You're hot stuff, Billy. 366 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,301 But I'm tired of burning my fingers. 367 00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:15,670 We can have another go when I'm better. 368 00:27:15,877 --> 00:27:17,178 But that's all, OK? 369 00:27:19,814 --> 00:27:20,851 OK... 370 00:27:21,469 --> 00:27:22,780 I'm out of here. 371 00:27:27,575 --> 00:27:28,956 You're pretty cool, aren't you? 372 00:27:30,181 --> 00:27:31,965 I've been through too much shit. 373 00:27:33,139 --> 00:27:34,283 I'm sorry. 374 00:27:35,152 --> 00:27:36,311 Now go. 375 00:28:09,693 --> 00:28:13,754 How d'you like that, you filthy queen? - Not bad. I've had better. 376 00:28:14,321 --> 00:28:17,206 I don't want to watch two psychos getting it off. 377 00:28:18,575 --> 00:28:22,224 What's the point? - Shut up, I�m trying to concentrate. 378 00:28:22,694 --> 00:28:26,779 I want to hit you. How much is that? - A dollar per slap with the hand, 379 00:28:27,253 --> 00:28:30,897 2 dollars with a belt or whip, and it's cheaper by the dozen. 380 00:28:31,075 --> 00:28:31,884 Damn! 381 00:28:32,829 --> 00:28:34,886 That's Bob! - That's Babette. 382 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,130 Babette? 383 00:28:37,558 --> 00:28:39,741 Do you see that? It's Bob! 384 00:28:40,435 --> 00:28:41,977 What's he doing? 385 00:28:42,499 --> 00:28:45,450 That's disgusting! I don't believe it! 386 00:28:45,776 --> 00:28:48,049 This guy used to be a cop, and now... 387 00:28:48,479 --> 00:28:51,792 That's gross! - The rubber moved. 388 00:28:52,601 --> 00:28:56,295 - Is that all you can say? That's Bob in there! 389 00:28:56,455 --> 00:28:59,873 Pull yourself together, Sam! Yes, it's Bob alright. But so what? 390 00:29:00,510 --> 00:29:04,235 I bet that condom on the bedside table is about to show us it's teeth! 391 00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:08,339 How do you like that, slut? 392 00:29:08,914 --> 00:29:11,996 Let me down. I can't put the rubber on from up here. 393 00:29:12,331 --> 00:29:15,096 I'm a pig! A filthy piece of shit! 394 00:29:15,482 --> 00:29:16,637 OK, forget it. 395 00:29:18,052 --> 00:29:20,220 You chase rubbers. 396 00:29:20,406 --> 00:29:22,969 I'm going to solve this my way: In the office. 397 00:29:28,028 --> 00:29:31,005 Hey! I just got a new delivery of rubbers. 398 00:29:31,182 --> 00:29:34,052 You want to check them? - Shut up! 399 00:29:38,842 --> 00:29:39,606 Bye. 400 00:29:39,794 --> 00:29:42,126 I'm a lowdown little faggot! 401 00:29:42,707 --> 00:29:44,077 Say I'm a lowdown little faggot! 402 00:29:45,885 --> 00:29:49,825 - I'm a lowdown little faggot. - Not you, me! I'm the lowdown little faggot! 403 00:29:49,987 --> 00:29:51,139 Say it! 404 00:29:51,955 --> 00:29:53,094 You're a lowdown... 405 00:29:53,259 --> 00:29:54,896 Now get on with it! 406 00:29:55,972 --> 00:29:58,320 I'm a pig! I'm a pile of shit! 407 00:29:59,007 --> 00:30:01,272 I'm a filthy pig! 408 00:30:03,121 --> 00:30:04,061 Take it off! 409 00:30:04,221 --> 00:30:07,270 - What? - Take the rubber off your knob! Quickly! 410 00:30:07,437 --> 00:30:08,858 - Don't shoot. - Shut up! 411 00:30:15,964 --> 00:30:17,866 Good, now drop it. C'mon! 412 00:30:30,861 --> 00:30:32,820 Shit. Must've been a normal condom. 413 00:30:33,603 --> 00:30:35,666 Sorry to disturb you. 414 00:30:36,133 --> 00:30:37,526 Do carry on. 415 00:30:38,739 --> 00:30:41,142 And don't use that one. There's a hole in it. 416 00:30:42,020 --> 00:30:45,740 Are you nuts? Are you completely out of your mind? 417 00:30:45,900 --> 00:30:47,922 I'm doing my job! - I'm a filthy pig... 418 00:30:48,082 --> 00:30:49,755 - A dirty pig. - Shut up! 419 00:31:20,686 --> 00:31:21,835 Where is it? 420 00:31:32,591 --> 00:31:33,729 Out of the way! 421 00:31:45,951 --> 00:31:47,298 That's a cock! 422 00:31:55,168 --> 00:31:56,295 Congratulations! 423 00:31:56,621 --> 00:31:59,495 Great job! I'm dead impressed with your work! 424 00:31:59,866 --> 00:32:02,705 Maybe they got the story from Robinson or some whore. 425 00:32:03,114 --> 00:32:07,231 I know who tipped the press off: A former policeman called Bob Miller. 426 00:32:07,495 --> 00:32:09,969 who works in that brothel 427 00:32:10,210 --> 00:32:13,490 as a bar slut and curbside hooker! - I've seen it, sir. 428 00:32:13,748 --> 00:32:17,450 It's some kinda goddamn animal. We should take the hotel apart. 429 00:32:17,773 --> 00:32:19,485 I didn't hear that! 430 00:32:19,904 --> 00:32:23,002 I think we've made big enough fools of ourselves as it is 431 00:32:23,336 --> 00:32:25,581 Dick McGouvern's visiting us tomorrow. 432 00:32:25,765 --> 00:32:28,330 I don't want him to see a police force, 433 00:32:28,775 --> 00:32:31,410 that nobody takes seriously anymore 434 00:32:31,583 --> 00:32:34,048 because it's looking for a killer condom! 435 00:32:35,055 --> 00:32:38,130 Then give me permission to investigate on my own, sir. 436 00:32:38,412 --> 00:32:40,005 No, Macaroni. 437 00:32:40,206 --> 00:32:43,164 Forget it! You're to keep your hands off it! 438 00:32:43,644 --> 00:32:45,610 - I can't. - What? 439 00:32:46,313 --> 00:32:49,240 I come from an ancient Sicilian family. 440 00:32:50,951 --> 00:32:54,344 Nobody bites off a Macaroni's jewels and gets away with it. 441 00:32:54,737 --> 00:32:56,331 Nothing and nobody. 442 00:32:56,676 --> 00:32:58,391 I'm warning you, Macaroni: 443 00:32:58,562 --> 00:33:01,810 If you chase rubbers in that hotel one more time 444 00:33:02,384 --> 00:33:04,329 I'm taking your badge away. 445 00:33:04,500 --> 00:33:05,480 Is that clear? 446 00:33:10,423 --> 00:33:12,884 If this costs me my promotion, 447 00:33:13,044 --> 00:33:15,518 you won't need a killer condom to get castrated! 448 00:33:24,746 --> 00:33:26,062 What�s that? 449 00:33:31,902 --> 00:33:33,172 I'm talking to you. 450 00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,588 What does this mean? 451 00:33:38,515 --> 00:33:40,690 I've issued an arrest warrant. 452 00:33:41,012 --> 00:33:43,116 He chewed your plums. 453 00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:46,237 Who knows what he'll do to his next client. 454 00:33:46,635 --> 00:33:49,209 Are you all deaf or something? 455 00:33:50,433 --> 00:33:52,130 Billy's clean! 456 00:33:52,612 --> 00:33:54,697 And you can let the hookers go too. 457 00:33:54,927 --> 00:33:57,946 That damn condom is out there somewhere, 458 00:33:58,539 --> 00:34:02,482 and if someone doesn't do something we'll have more pricks on our hands! 459 00:34:09,710 --> 00:34:10,810 OK, OK... 460 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:12,450 I'll... 461 00:34:13,450 --> 00:34:14,850 Fine... 462 00:34:15,410 --> 00:34:15,890 I'll... 463 00:34:23,435 --> 00:34:25,731 Maybe they were right. 464 00:34:25,973 --> 00:34:28,058 Maybe I do need a vacation. 465 00:34:30,082 --> 00:34:33,633 So what if this thing strikes again. It's not my problem. 466 00:34:36,527 --> 00:34:39,068 And Billy? What do I want with a call-boy? 467 00:34:39,582 --> 00:34:42,515 A guy who bares his ass to anyone for a few bucks? 468 00:34:48,953 --> 00:34:51,457 - What's going on here? - Hello, detective. 469 00:34:51,811 --> 00:34:52,610 Well? 470 00:34:52,770 --> 00:34:55,147 - We're looking for the boy. - But he isn't here. 471 00:34:55,769 --> 00:34:57,921 Seems to have left in a hurry. 472 00:34:58,262 --> 00:34:59,704 Did Sam Hanks order this search? 473 00:35:00,535 --> 00:35:01,362 Yeah. 474 00:35:01,561 --> 00:35:05,179 Sir, he said we should find that hustler... The one that bit off... 475 00:35:05,467 --> 00:35:06,971 your ball. 476 00:35:08,173 --> 00:35:10,453 It's been sorted out, now clear off. 477 00:35:11,170 --> 00:35:14,090 - But we're not finished. - Clear off! I'm dealing with it. 478 00:35:48,310 --> 00:35:52,214 Hi, Billy. It's Jack. You know, from the newspaper ad. 479 00:35:52,604 --> 00:35:55,876 I just wanted to say you were great. Give us a call. 480 00:35:56,230 --> 00:35:58,924 But not on the weekend because of my wife. Bye! 481 00:36:00,791 --> 00:36:04,480 Hi, This is Robert. Can I see you again? I really fancy your sweet ass. 482 00:36:05,672 --> 00:36:08,335 Hi, Billy, it's Carl. How are you doing? 483 00:36:08,676 --> 00:36:11,198 Like to go for a coffee some time? 484 00:36:11,728 --> 00:36:16,008 I've thought about my sexual fantasies. Can we meet? 485 00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:20,114 I've bought myself an army uniform. Give me a call. Bye! 486 00:36:23,717 --> 00:36:28,094 I felt like an idiot. What the hell did I want with the boy? 487 00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:32,799 Instead of dreaming about romantic love I should be out there solving the case. 488 00:36:34,818 --> 00:36:37,196 Sure, New York can get damn cold sometimes. 489 00:36:37,532 --> 00:36:41,580 But I'm Sicilian. I don't need this emotional crap. 490 00:36:42,789 --> 00:36:44,963 If I think about it, I don't even need sex. 491 00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:57,278 I watch a porno video, have a relaxed jerk-off and take a shower. 492 00:36:57,446 --> 00:36:59,924 What more do I need? 493 00:37:09,684 --> 00:37:11,358 That's all I need. 494 00:37:18,350 --> 00:37:20,089 Come out, Macaroni! 495 00:37:27,495 --> 00:37:29,882 Are you nuts? What do you want? 496 00:37:30,085 --> 00:37:32,319 I want you to get out of the bath and sleep with me. 497 00:37:33,237 --> 00:37:35,096 Are you out of your mind? 498 00:37:35,533 --> 00:37:36,754 Throw the goddamn knife away! 499 00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:37,722 No! 500 00:37:38,035 --> 00:37:39,269 You want to kill me or something? 501 00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:42,234 - Throw the knife away! - Shut up! 502 00:37:47,079 --> 00:37:47,894 OK, OK. Listen Bob... 503 00:37:48,676 --> 00:37:49,546 Babette! 504 00:37:49,836 --> 00:37:52,183 Listen, I don't know what your therapist said... 505 00:37:52,343 --> 00:37:54,373 Bullshit! I know what I want. 506 00:37:54,594 --> 00:37:55,993 I want you, and you want me. 507 00:37:56,310 --> 00:37:57,889 Do you really believe... ? 508 00:38:00,377 --> 00:38:01,794 What was that? - Don't try it. 509 00:38:02,865 --> 00:38:04,650 You've brought the goddamn condom! 510 00:38:04,890 --> 00:38:06,603 Of course I've brought condoms. 511 00:38:07,372 --> 00:38:09,694 - Where did you get them? - The hotel. They've got plenty. 512 00:38:10,837 --> 00:38:13,610 Babette, you've brought the killer condom! 513 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:20,722 Now stay cool. 514 00:38:21,381 --> 00:38:25,192 Forget our affair. Let's deal with this first. 515 00:38:28,068 --> 00:38:29,461 I don't believe you. 516 00:38:38,005 --> 00:38:39,334 Stay cool, Babette. 517 00:39:01,768 --> 00:39:04,144 Are you crazy? That's real crocodile leather! 518 00:39:26,086 --> 00:39:26,909 Damn! 519 00:39:27,139 --> 00:39:29,319 - What was it? - The killer condom. 520 00:39:29,542 --> 00:39:32,761 My God, it was after your prick! And it was in my handbag! 521 00:39:32,945 --> 00:39:34,788 Shut up and help me. 522 00:39:37,606 --> 00:39:39,979 It was all so terrible... Forgive me... 523 00:39:41,374 --> 00:39:42,966 I only wanted... 524 00:39:43,394 --> 00:39:45,063 Come here, you bastard. 525 00:40:29,808 --> 00:40:31,447 Are you there, Bob? 526 00:40:31,918 --> 00:40:33,403 The name's Babette. 527 00:40:33,617 --> 00:40:36,644 OK, Bob... Babette. You've got to help me. 528 00:40:36,811 --> 00:40:39,517 - Give me that hose behind you. - What hose? 529 00:40:40,085 --> 00:40:44,568 The hose behind the stove. Connect it to the gas and give it to me. 530 00:40:48,558 --> 00:40:50,256 What are you waiting for? 531 00:40:52,506 --> 00:40:54,993 - I'm sorry. - Forget it. 532 00:40:55,417 --> 00:40:56,397 Just help me. 533 00:40:59,574 --> 00:41:02,322 You know... I thought about you all night and... 534 00:41:02,577 --> 00:41:04,176 That's touching, 535 00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:07,444 but if you don't hurry, we'll never get this thing. Understand?! 536 00:41:07,604 --> 00:41:09,265 Don't shout at me! 537 00:41:16,395 --> 00:41:19,089 - You got it? - Yes, I've got it. 538 00:41:19,565 --> 00:41:21,744 OK, get in position. 539 00:41:26,226 --> 00:41:27,160 Ready? 540 00:41:27,619 --> 00:41:28,476 Ready. 541 00:41:34,060 --> 00:41:34,964 Come on. 542 00:41:37,039 --> 00:41:38,891 Time for din-din. 543 00:41:44,490 --> 00:41:46,810 I'd get castration anxiety if I were you. 544 00:41:47,710 --> 00:41:50,174 I'd penis envy if I were you. 545 00:41:56,584 --> 00:41:57,694 Come and get it. 546 00:41:58,509 --> 00:42:00,254 Nice penis... 547 00:42:00,927 --> 00:42:02,366 Yum, yum! 548 00:42:18,271 --> 00:42:19,083 Turn it on! 549 00:42:21,562 --> 00:42:22,409 Turn it on! 550 00:42:22,569 --> 00:42:23,798 OK! It's coming. 551 00:42:26,817 --> 00:42:27,930 Right, that's enough. 552 00:42:29,893 --> 00:42:32,018 How d'you like that, you bastard? 553 00:42:34,124 --> 00:42:35,329 I said that's enough, Bob. 554 00:42:35,533 --> 00:42:36,555 It won't go off! 555 00:42:36,770 --> 00:42:39,221 Turn the damn gas off, Bob! 556 00:42:43,810 --> 00:42:47,523 - Turn the gas off! - You'll have to fix the faucet first. 557 00:42:47,683 --> 00:42:51,032 - Look at it, Bob ! - I can't help it... 558 00:42:55,180 --> 00:42:56,962 So what is it, Wilma? 559 00:42:57,339 --> 00:43:00,088 It's made of human epithelial cells 560 00:43:00,330 --> 00:43:02,903 underlaid with peritropic membranes. 561 00:43:03,164 --> 00:43:06,224 Although it looks like normal rubber, 562 00:43:07,210 --> 00:43:10,241 it's actually a complex organism 563 00:43:10,409 --> 00:43:13,348 with a subcutaneous layer of chitin. 564 00:43:16,435 --> 00:43:18,700 It has everything it needs: 565 00:43:19,386 --> 00:43:21,468 Microscopic nerves... 566 00:43:21,835 --> 00:43:25,192 a mass of brain tissue spread evenly throughout the body... 567 00:43:27,126 --> 00:43:28,366 That's disgusting. 568 00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:30,356 It's teeth... 569 00:43:30,770 --> 00:43:33,750 are sharp as razor blades, but apparently flexible. 570 00:43:35,066 --> 00:43:38,235 So what does it mean? Is it some kind of animal, or what? 571 00:43:38,691 --> 00:43:42,693 Hard to say. it isn't really an animal because it doesn't eat the dicks. 572 00:43:42,887 --> 00:43:44,637 No guts. 573 00:43:45,235 --> 00:43:49,451 It gets the energy for forward motion from its own body cells. 574 00:43:50,076 --> 00:43:51,454 It's artificial. 575 00:43:53,481 --> 00:43:56,251 Artificial? You mean someone made that thing? 576 00:43:56,907 --> 00:43:58,236 Probably. 577 00:43:58,417 --> 00:44:01,943 I'd say it was a cross between a giant worm, a jellyfish and a piranha. 578 00:44:02,832 --> 00:44:06,012 Geneticists make a new discovery every few weeks. 579 00:44:06,310 --> 00:44:09,038 Only recently an ancient professor 580 00:44:09,198 --> 00:44:11,390 won the Columbus Prize for his work. 581 00:44:11,657 --> 00:44:14,606 All I can say is: Consult an expert. 582 00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:19,421 I prefer conventional cases like the guy behind you. 583 00:44:19,734 --> 00:44:24,166 His 400-pound girlfriend suffocated him when she sat on his face. 584 00:44:25,248 --> 00:44:29,181 Was it sex or murder? She's playing innocent. 585 00:44:29,685 --> 00:44:33,288 But luckily he got some pubic hairs in his mouth. 586 00:44:33,448 --> 00:44:35,682 Thanks for your help, Wilma. 587 00:44:36,783 --> 00:44:39,941 Look at this! It's full of pubes! 588 00:44:40,978 --> 00:44:43,203 We should show it to the professor. 589 00:44:43,539 --> 00:44:46,590 Luigi, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. 590 00:44:47,181 --> 00:44:49,565 That's OK. I wouldn't have either. 591 00:44:49,733 --> 00:44:53,551 - But I don't like how you treated Billy. - The boy's a hustler! 592 00:44:53,751 --> 00:44:56,394 He steals and he does drugs. 593 00:44:56,555 --> 00:45:00,632 - A little grass... - Was he really so good that you want to marry him? 594 00:45:00,875 --> 00:45:04,584 You can do a darn sight better than sticking money up his ass. 595 00:45:04,954 --> 00:45:06,484 You're a real man! 596 00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:09,087 Women adore you! You should give it a try. 597 00:45:09,255 --> 00:45:12,494 Quit bugging me, Sam! I'm not interested in women. 598 00:45:12,672 --> 00:45:15,342 I like firm male asses, not pissflaps. 599 00:45:15,509 --> 00:45:18,210 And let's get this clear: I want to be tolerated! 600 00:45:18,669 --> 00:45:21,623 To be accepted and understood! Got it? 601 00:45:22,500 --> 00:45:25,170 OK, OK... 602 00:45:25,298 --> 00:45:28,421 Serious? You'll never say that shit again? 603 00:45:28,836 --> 00:45:32,295 I'll never mention it again. Promise. 604 00:45:33,170 --> 00:45:35,450 OK. 605 00:45:56,319 --> 00:46:01,028 I've lived in this town for 20 years. I still don't know if it's right for me. 606 00:46:02,048 --> 00:46:04,192 Sure, I had to leave Sicily back then. 607 00:46:05,049 --> 00:46:08,323 If I'd stayed, I'd be the Macaroni family butcher now 608 00:46:08,554 --> 00:46:11,707 spending all my days turning donkeys into salami. 609 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:15,864 My only leisure activity would be shooting birds with a shotgun. 610 00:46:18,733 --> 00:46:19,881 Mama! 611 00:46:20,557 --> 00:46:25,295 She really wants a Sicilian wedding. Of course the bride must be a virgin. 612 00:46:27,067 --> 00:46:30,251 OK, so I've got myself a career in New York. 613 00:46:30,670 --> 00:46:33,196 I've worked my way up to detective. 614 00:46:33,643 --> 00:46:37,722 Even so, Mama wouldn't be very happy if she knew how I live my life. 615 00:46:47,889 --> 00:46:50,047 And me? Am I happy? 616 00:49:04,491 --> 00:49:05,700 America 617 00:49:06,404 --> 00:49:09,909 must regain its values, 618 00:49:11,251 --> 00:49:13,042 it's belief in God 619 00:49:13,768 --> 00:49:15,993 and it's morals. 620 00:49:22,833 --> 00:49:24,781 I want to take office 621 00:49:25,382 --> 00:49:28,321 to heal our society again. 622 00:49:29,229 --> 00:49:32,494 I want people to realize 623 00:49:32,815 --> 00:49:36,733 what a wonderful country God has given us. 624 00:49:37,024 --> 00:49:40,973 In order to thank him for this 625 00:49:41,585 --> 00:49:46,134 we must make this country strong again. 626 00:49:52,690 --> 00:49:55,583 Each of us who has healthy hands 627 00:49:56,196 --> 00:49:58,647 is called upon to do his share. 628 00:50:00,250 --> 00:50:01,458 We've had enough! 629 00:50:01,784 --> 00:50:05,773 Enough of scandals, drugs and perversity! 630 00:50:06,227 --> 00:50:10,205 We stand for the politics of order 631 00:50:10,695 --> 00:50:13,083 and of peace. 632 00:50:13,963 --> 00:50:15,022 United! 633 00:50:15,373 --> 00:50:18,027 For a clean America! 634 00:50:36,315 --> 00:50:38,987 - What is this? - Buy your own! 635 00:50:39,148 --> 00:50:42,690 I don't see why everyone here should help themselves to my make-up. 636 00:50:42,850 --> 00:50:45,430 Look what you've done! I'm on in a moment. 637 00:50:50,431 --> 00:50:51,753 Hi, Babette. 638 00:50:56,308 --> 00:50:58,221 I was just passing... 639 00:50:58,624 --> 00:50:59,862 So I thought I'd stop by... 640 00:51:00,245 --> 00:51:03,901 See how you were doing after that nightmare. 641 00:51:04,849 --> 00:51:08,293 We've both seen a lot as policemen... I mean we've been through things... 642 00:51:08,645 --> 00:51:12,366 But that was something else! 643 00:51:14,973 --> 00:51:17,313 And I... I just wanted to thank you. You were real cool. 644 00:51:17,473 --> 00:51:19,126 - Is that for me? - Yes... 645 00:51:20,058 --> 00:51:23,420 Tamara, darling: Would you open it? My nails aren't dry yet. 646 00:51:28,316 --> 00:51:30,084 You know what used to be here? 647 00:51:31,481 --> 00:51:33,164 - What? - A church. 648 00:51:34,940 --> 00:51:38,690 - And what does that mean? - Don't ask me. You're the cop! 649 00:51:39,793 --> 00:51:42,089 It's a travel iron. 650 00:51:49,805 --> 00:51:54,095 You have so many clothes now. I thought that if you ever went on tour... 651 00:51:54,255 --> 00:51:55,024 Thanks. 652 00:51:55,583 --> 00:51:58,013 I hadn't expected such a romantic present. 653 00:51:58,369 --> 00:52:00,989 - I can exchange it... - No. 654 00:52:01,805 --> 00:52:04,866 It's really lovely. 655 00:52:05,632 --> 00:52:06,573 Honestly. 656 00:52:07,231 --> 00:52:10,360 Now my stuff won't get wrinkled. Thanks a lot. 657 00:52:12,839 --> 00:52:15,961 I'll be off, then. 658 00:52:16,512 --> 00:52:19,559 Well I'm busy too. I'm on in a bit. 659 00:52:20,896 --> 00:52:22,794 - See you, Bob. - Babette! 660 00:52:25,156 --> 00:52:26,161 Of course: Babette. 661 00:52:44,294 --> 00:52:45,643 Hey Luigi! Did you see? 662 00:52:45,804 --> 00:52:48,065 That boy that bit your ball off... 663 00:52:48,225 --> 00:52:51,210 - What room is he in? - 302. Should I call him? 664 00:52:58,004 --> 00:52:59,570 Hi, Billy! Are you guys still following me? 665 00:52:59,873 --> 00:53:02,690 I'm not following you. I just want to talk. 666 00:53:03,255 --> 00:53:04,525 I'm busy. 667 00:53:05,336 --> 00:53:07,396 - Wait downstairs for me. - Not now! 668 00:53:08,648 --> 00:53:10,087 OK. I'll be down at the bar. 669 00:53:48,047 --> 00:53:50,215 Hey, what are you playing at? 670 00:54:11,822 --> 00:54:13,360 Damn place is full of crazies! 671 00:54:41,370 --> 00:54:46,370 Now it's going up again! - Up, down... - I wish they'd make up their minds. 672 00:55:05,011 --> 00:55:08,244 - Yes, here in the elevator! - How do I know? 673 00:55:09,614 --> 00:55:13,337 It isn't coming down anymore! I'm damned if I'm walking! 674 00:56:06,458 --> 00:56:08,597 What's going on? 675 00:56:08,850 --> 00:56:12,712 - Hey, Robinson! Your brothel's falling apart, man! - Shut up! 676 00:56:48,630 --> 00:56:49,570 Well done. 677 00:56:51,450 --> 00:56:53,250 Yeah. Well done! 678 00:57:15,976 --> 00:57:19,743 It gets worse every night. I hardly know where to put them all, 679 00:57:20,129 --> 00:57:21,374 but you can see that yourself. 680 00:57:21,542 --> 00:57:25,111 - Detective Macaroni? - Bulowski. Frank Bulowski. 681 00:57:42,729 --> 00:57:47,251 I was tired. I couldn't work it out. Couldn't put the pieces together. 682 00:57:48,202 --> 00:57:51,738 Every morning when I wake up, it all seems like a bad nightmare. 683 00:57:52,341 --> 00:57:56,259 But then I reach for my groin and face the absurd facts once more. 684 00:58:04,732 --> 00:58:08,840 I now realize just how lucky I am that the condom only got my nut. 685 00:58:09,312 --> 00:58:11,639 I mean, what can a man do in New York 686 00:58:11,835 --> 00:58:14,365 if he's lonely and hasn't got a dick? 687 00:58:27,010 --> 00:58:29,289 When my baby's President, 688 00:58:30,111 --> 00:58:32,377 will he still have time for me? 689 00:58:35,304 --> 00:58:39,314 When your baby's President, he'll take you on every state visit. 690 00:59:20,071 --> 00:59:21,694 What's that? 691 00:59:31,682 --> 00:59:33,165 Isn't it cute? 692 00:59:34,642 --> 00:59:36,523 Maybe it's one of those things 693 00:59:36,805 --> 00:59:39,146 we read about in the newspaper. 694 01:00:13,938 --> 01:00:15,821 Read all about it! 695 01:00:17,257 --> 01:00:19,492 Killer condom strikes again! 696 01:00:20,786 --> 01:00:22,439 This time it's McGouvern! 697 01:01:01,810 --> 01:01:03,080 Morning, Luigi. 698 01:01:03,562 --> 01:01:05,430 You look terrible. 699 01:01:05,659 --> 01:01:07,672 I've got a foul taste in my mouth. 700 01:01:08,333 --> 01:01:09,818 Here, smell this. 701 01:01:12,121 --> 01:01:15,257 - Anything new? - I'm working on it. Give me 10 minutes. 702 01:01:15,950 --> 01:01:16,950 OK. 703 01:01:18,694 --> 01:01:20,232 - Hi, Sally. - Luigi! 704 01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:23,195 - What brings you here? - The captain asked me 705 01:01:23,358 --> 01:01:25,465 to come over and have a chat with our mutual friend. 706 01:01:25,687 --> 01:01:28,801 Isn't that right, Porky? You love talking to me. 707 01:01:29,213 --> 01:01:30,242 I'm not saying anything. 708 01:01:33,001 --> 01:01:34,823 I don't rat on my friends. 709 01:01:49,823 --> 01:01:54,536 OK! OK! It was Jack Collin's idea, but he wanted to work with Rich Bitch. 710 01:01:54,726 --> 01:01:56,986 So Bruce Winnegan shot Frank Collins. 711 01:01:57,168 --> 01:01:59,457 Killer Angel's also in on the deal. 712 01:01:59,621 --> 01:02:01,839 Only he's working for Larry King. 713 01:02:02,002 --> 01:02:04,587 They're packing the stuff in bags... 714 01:02:05,115 --> 01:02:07,197 Went quicker than I thought. 715 01:02:07,357 --> 01:02:09,933 I hear you're chasing contraceptives. 716 01:02:11,012 --> 01:02:14,034 Would you do me a favor before you go? 717 01:02:14,253 --> 01:02:16,663 - You know I don't touch condoms. - I know. 718 01:02:17,317 --> 01:02:20,155 There used to be a church where the Hotel Quickie now stands. 719 01:02:20,250 --> 01:02:21,050 - Really? 720 01:02:21,108 --> 01:02:25,100 - I need to know how long it was there, who had it bulldozed and why. 721 01:02:25,340 --> 01:02:29,419 - And get me a photo of the church. - Sure, his balls were pretty fat, 722 01:02:30,786 --> 01:02:33,138 but his weenie wasn't all that big. 723 01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:36,128 In fact, it was pretty small. 724 01:02:36,710 --> 01:02:41,050 He once confessed that was the reason he was running for President! 725 01:02:41,231 --> 01:02:42,653 Isn't that funny? 726 01:02:49,741 --> 01:02:51,378 Good idea. Ciao! 727 01:02:51,917 --> 01:02:53,293 What is this? 728 01:02:54,181 --> 01:02:55,684 You mean you don't know? 729 01:02:56,401 --> 01:02:58,070 What don't I know? 730 01:02:58,567 --> 01:03:02,431 Fear of castration is growing among the people of New York. 731 01:03:02,595 --> 01:03:07,248 In the past few days a number of cases have been reported to the police. 732 01:03:07,496 --> 01:03:10,794 All the male victims speak of contraceptives 733 01:03:10,961 --> 01:03:14,759 that turn out to be unknown and dangerous creatures. 734 01:03:15,233 --> 01:03:19,749 Eye witnesses say they initially look like condoms. 735 01:03:20,125 --> 01:03:22,797 They can be rolled on like a condom. 736 01:03:22,959 --> 01:03:26,820 It's now come to light that the police were not surprised 737 01:03:27,009 --> 01:03:30,077 by the recent attack in the hotel room of Republican candidate McGouvern. 738 01:03:30,241 --> 01:03:32,660 McGouvern lost almost all his genitalia 739 01:03:32,823 --> 01:03:37,006 under unknown circumstances. 740 01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:40,847 You knew about it? You knew about this killer condom? 741 01:03:41,104 --> 01:03:43,137 Well, not exactly... 742 01:03:43,324 --> 01:03:45,502 We've had a few cases like this... 743 01:03:45,976 --> 01:03:49,039 But they involved queers and hookers... 744 01:03:50,337 --> 01:03:52,345 I never thought... 745 01:03:52,540 --> 01:03:53,729 I mean... 746 01:03:54,460 --> 01:03:58,230 - It won't affect his campaign, will it? - Campaign? What campaign? 747 01:03:58,511 --> 01:03:59,516 Do you think 748 01:03:59,677 --> 01:04:03,012 that the people will elect a man without reproductive organs 749 01:04:03,192 --> 01:04:05,385 as the President of the United States? 750 01:04:08,581 --> 01:04:11,878 What have you found out about these little monsters 751 01:04:12,066 --> 01:04:14,148 that apparently look like condoms? 752 01:04:15,398 --> 01:04:16,580 Well... 753 01:04:17,183 --> 01:04:20,298 They're made of a sort of rubber... 754 01:04:20,651 --> 01:04:23,063 But of course it isn't really rubber... 755 01:04:23,508 --> 01:04:24,703 And they... 756 01:04:24,985 --> 01:04:29,252 They've got a very thin skin... And they're... 757 01:04:29,499 --> 01:04:30,367 Lubricated? 758 01:04:35,607 --> 01:04:37,617 And banana-flavored! 759 01:04:43,210 --> 01:04:47,032 What's the police doing at the moment to tackle these killer condoms? 760 01:04:50,220 --> 01:04:51,914 Professor Boris Smirnoff 761 01:04:52,076 --> 01:04:54,690 was born in 1923 in Vaclavitiv, Russia. 762 01:04:55,181 --> 01:04:58,649 He immigrated to the US in 1943 and studied natural sciences here. 763 01:04:59,079 --> 01:05:00,410 In 1956, 764 01:05:00,650 --> 01:05:04,116 he was awarded an honorary doctorate for his work in biochemistry. 765 01:05:04,311 --> 01:05:06,462 3 years later he became the head 766 01:05:06,631 --> 01:05:07,922 of a rubber and plastics lab. 767 01:05:08,085 --> 01:05:10,964 In '62 he won the Science Academy Award for developing 768 01:05:11,224 --> 01:05:13,630 a special rubber solution 769 01:05:13,970 --> 01:05:18,175 used mainly to produce false limbs but also for contraceptive sheaths. 770 01:05:19,141 --> 01:05:21,682 For several years, he's been concentrating on genetics. 771 01:05:22,345 --> 01:05:24,939 His family doesn't know where he is. 772 01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:29,850 Publishers wait in vain for his papers. He's failed to turn up at lectures. 773 01:05:30,867 --> 01:05:33,473 He's sent postcards from the Bahamas. 774 01:05:33,636 --> 01:05:36,776 But they just say that the weather's nice and he's feeling good. 775 01:05:37,028 --> 01:05:40,081 His daughter says he always hated nice weather 776 01:05:40,708 --> 01:05:42,486 and only felt good when he was working. 777 01:05:43,976 --> 01:05:45,533 Look at that. 778 01:05:46,960 --> 01:05:49,926 - So? - Look at the guy behind him. 779 01:05:50,770 --> 01:05:52,435 - Who is he? - Exactly. 780 01:05:52,930 --> 01:05:55,238 Nobody knows, but he's always behind Smirnoff. 781 01:05:56,101 --> 01:05:58,105 - Bodyguard? - Negative. 782 01:05:58,428 --> 01:06:01,436 Smirnoff's daughter thought he was the cook. 783 01:06:01,734 --> 01:06:04,250 The party guests thought he was a colleague. 784 01:06:05,982 --> 01:06:07,931 But nobody knows this man. 785 01:06:10,987 --> 01:06:12,595 What is this? 786 01:06:12,850 --> 01:06:15,842 - There's this professor who may have been kidnapped... - Really? 787 01:06:16,492 --> 01:06:18,250 And you play Cluedo? 788 01:06:19,899 --> 01:06:22,970 A presidential candidate got his dong bitten off 789 01:06:23,148 --> 01:06:25,130 and you're watching videos! 790 01:06:25,705 --> 01:06:27,123 - Sir... 791 01:06:27,290 --> 01:06:29,518 - We had a total of 18 cases last night. 792 01:06:29,859 --> 01:06:32,570 Some in brothels, but most on the gay scene. 793 01:06:33,006 --> 01:06:36,730 that means the knob-eaters are multiplying. 794 01:06:36,970 --> 01:06:40,689 Before they get someone on the Upper East Side 795 01:06:41,015 --> 01:06:43,747 I want you to get to grips with it! - That's what we're doing. 796 01:06:44,371 --> 01:06:47,650 Starting tonight I want a plant on the gay scene 797 01:06:47,891 --> 01:06:50,851 checking out what's going on. That's your job, Macaroni. 798 01:06:51,038 --> 01:06:53,691 - That's not a good idea. - Really? 799 01:06:54,172 --> 01:06:57,157 And why not? You know your way around. 800 01:06:57,572 --> 01:07:01,486 That's the problem: I'm well known. Everyone knows I'm a cop. 801 01:07:02,114 --> 01:07:03,180 Then you do it, Sam. - What? 802 01:07:06,388 --> 01:07:09,847 You get dressed up like a homosexual and check the scene out. 803 01:07:10,325 --> 01:07:12,382 Or are you well known too? 804 01:07:12,553 --> 01:07:14,104 - No, sir... - Good! 805 01:07:14,411 --> 01:07:17,594 I don't want to see any more hookers or drug addicts. 806 01:07:17,771 --> 01:07:20,370 I want reliable witnesses. Is that clear? 807 01:07:22,330 --> 01:07:24,556 Macaroni, get him dressed up. 808 01:07:26,510 --> 01:07:30,024 - The boys will love you. - I don't want anyone loving me. 809 01:07:30,211 --> 01:07:31,889 This is ridiculous! 810 01:07:32,155 --> 01:07:35,222 You want me to walk around dressed like this and ask: 811 01:07:35,426 --> 01:07:39,354 "Excuse me, have you seen a rubber that bares it's teeth from time to time?" 812 01:07:39,731 --> 01:07:42,695 Be careful who you have sex with 813 01:07:43,084 --> 01:07:45,393 and always check the condom first. 814 01:07:45,555 --> 01:07:48,162 - What? - It happens faster than you think. 815 01:07:50,197 --> 01:07:52,918 Won't they ask me if I want to? 816 01:07:53,093 --> 01:07:56,613 If one of them wants you, you haven't got a chance. 817 01:07:57,257 --> 01:07:59,816 Haven't got a chance? What do you mean? 818 01:08:00,518 --> 01:08:03,583 Gay men are still real men. They know what they want, Sam. 819 01:08:06,323 --> 01:08:08,791 Here, take this hanky. 820 01:08:10,615 --> 01:08:12,729 Leave it hanging out of your right back pocket. 821 01:08:14,676 --> 01:08:17,205 What? Why should I? 822 01:08:17,619 --> 01:08:18,876 It's code. 823 01:08:19,259 --> 01:08:23,863 It means, "I don't want sex tonight, so leave me alone." 824 01:08:25,116 --> 01:08:26,465 And that works? 825 01:08:27,558 --> 01:08:29,841 It's the only thing that works, Sam. 826 01:09:05,830 --> 01:09:07,370 Holger, darling! 827 01:09:39,850 --> 01:09:42,097 I'm a pig... 828 01:10:05,822 --> 01:10:08,444 Sometimes this city is like a cancer 829 01:10:08,604 --> 01:10:12,270 that grows and grows, ever nearer to its own destruction. 830 01:10:12,887 --> 01:10:17,540 Maybe I'll always be a stranger here because I spent my childhood in Sicily 831 01:10:18,077 --> 01:10:19,813 right by the sea 832 01:10:20,166 --> 01:10:23,745 with my loving Mama singing sad songs by the fire... 833 01:10:25,798 --> 01:10:28,771 Where are you, you Sicilian faggot! 834 01:10:39,552 --> 01:10:42,371 Yellow hanky in the right pocket, eh? 835 01:10:42,624 --> 01:10:46,580 That perverse gorilla pissed up my leg because he thought that's what I like! 836 01:10:46,848 --> 01:10:49,423 I'm married! I have a kid! 837 01:10:49,634 --> 01:10:52,011 I'm not used to that shit! 838 01:10:52,770 --> 01:10:55,480 Stop laughing, damn you! It isn't funny! 839 01:10:56,320 --> 01:10:58,098 Calm down, Sam! 840 01:10:58,448 --> 01:11:00,495 I'm sorry. 841 01:11:00,687 --> 01:11:05,348 It was a joke. How was I to know it would really happen? 842 01:11:06,677 --> 01:11:09,343 Thank God I didn't give you a red hanky. 843 01:11:09,602 --> 01:11:11,818 - A red hanky? What does that mean? 844 01:11:12,373 --> 01:11:13,859 - Fist fucking. 845 01:11:14,549 --> 01:11:16,970 Let's get a coffee. - I don't want any! 846 01:11:17,621 --> 01:11:19,590 You can solve this case by yourself. 847 01:11:19,866 --> 01:11:21,414 This scene is too... 848 01:11:21,834 --> 01:11:23,227 Damn, I want out! 849 01:11:24,936 --> 01:11:26,584 You can't leave me now! 850 01:11:27,111 --> 01:11:31,169 And whatever you think of those boys, they only want to have fun. 851 01:11:31,336 --> 01:11:33,468 Now they're being attacked by rubbers 852 01:11:33,628 --> 01:11:35,078 and we have to stop it! 853 01:11:39,019 --> 01:11:40,873 I need you, damn it! 854 01:11:47,942 --> 01:11:49,950 OK, but no more yellow hankies. 855 01:11:50,961 --> 01:11:52,540 - No more yellow hankies, OK. 856 01:11:53,024 --> 01:11:56,104 And no red ones either. No hankies at all! 857 01:11:56,824 --> 01:11:58,311 OK, no hankies at all. 858 01:12:11,058 --> 01:12:12,836 What are you all staring at? 859 01:12:13,041 --> 01:12:15,413 Never heard of male bonding? 860 01:12:29,941 --> 01:12:32,782 Nobody pisses up my leg. Nobody! 861 01:12:33,903 --> 01:12:34,991 I know. 862 01:12:56,752 --> 01:12:59,633 What's wrong with her? - Can anyone translate this? 863 01:13:03,795 --> 01:13:05,327 Something about a condom. 864 01:13:07,242 --> 01:13:08,831 Where? Where? Where? 865 01:13:09,771 --> 01:13:11,655 Where condom, Senora? 866 01:13:12,013 --> 01:13:14,174 Listen to me! Where condom? 867 01:13:17,810 --> 01:13:18,705 Hospital? 868 01:13:19,813 --> 01:13:21,652 Condom in hospital? 869 01:13:22,940 --> 01:13:25,923 Show me where it is, Senora. Come on, get up! 870 01:13:28,233 --> 01:13:29,879 I'm going over there. - But why? 871 01:13:30,041 --> 01:13:31,663 - I've got a strange feeling. 872 01:13:36,575 --> 01:13:39,857 Can't anyone here translate what this woman is saying!? 873 01:13:42,370 --> 01:13:43,826 What's she saying? 874 01:14:10,543 --> 01:14:12,045 Detective Macaroni. 875 01:14:14,536 --> 01:14:17,233 Even dedicated policemen have to sleep now and again. 876 01:14:17,393 --> 01:14:20,162 It isn't good for their health if they don't. 877 01:14:27,257 --> 01:14:28,435 Is Cop here? 878 01:14:30,648 --> 01:14:32,448 - Who? - You know who I mean. 879 01:14:33,150 --> 01:14:37,841 Detective Macaroni just left. And he won't be back for some time. 880 01:14:38,335 --> 01:14:39,277 Where did he go? 881 01:14:45,121 --> 01:14:48,795 Listen, boy. Your cop's already got his hands full 882 01:14:49,040 --> 01:14:51,685 without you waving your ass in front of his nose. 883 01:14:58,264 --> 01:15:00,195 What is it? What about this man? 884 01:15:01,498 --> 01:15:03,115 What about the man? 885 01:15:03,442 --> 01:15:05,526 Doesn't anyone here understand her? 886 01:15:05,689 --> 01:15:08,686 She says she saw the Asian man in the hospital chapel. 887 01:15:08,956 --> 01:15:11,458 He had one of the condoms with him. 888 01:15:11,945 --> 01:15:13,590 Right, come with me. 889 01:15:13,858 --> 01:15:15,635 O'Brian! We're going to the hospital. 890 01:15:16,365 --> 01:15:17,487 Come on! 891 01:15:17,852 --> 01:15:20,119 And you're coming to translate. 892 01:15:21,427 --> 01:15:24,770 Ellie, make us two coffees, please. Take a seat. 893 01:15:26,385 --> 01:15:29,766 Sorry to disturb you at this hour, 894 01:15:30,140 --> 01:15:31,350 but that woman 895 01:15:31,822 --> 01:15:35,353 whose nose was bitten off by a condom... 896 01:15:36,332 --> 01:15:37,221 Yes? 897 01:15:38,370 --> 01:15:40,777 She turned up at my precinct office this evening. 898 01:15:41,554 --> 01:15:44,612 She was very upset, so I thought I'd come by. 899 01:15:44,772 --> 01:15:46,411 What did she say? 900 01:15:47,544 --> 01:15:50,850 I'm not really sure. I think she saw a condom. 901 01:15:53,283 --> 01:15:54,034 Here? 902 01:15:54,300 --> 01:15:56,798 In the chapel, if I'm not mistaken. 903 01:16:00,446 --> 01:16:03,659 Detective, every night this woman dreams about condoms jumping in her face. 904 01:16:03,819 --> 01:16:07,696 She desperately needs her medication and tranquilizers. 905 01:16:07,890 --> 01:16:08,908 Where is she? 906 01:16:13,343 --> 01:16:16,730 Does an Asian man, a Chinese man, work here? 907 01:16:18,325 --> 01:16:20,566 Not that I know of. Why? 908 01:16:22,623 --> 01:16:24,055 Nothing special. 909 01:16:24,533 --> 01:16:27,010 I just thought I saw a Chinese person. 910 01:16:29,100 --> 01:16:32,242 There are over a billion Chinese living on this planet, Detective. 911 01:16:33,020 --> 01:16:35,639 You may well have seen one of them. 912 01:16:40,626 --> 01:16:43,198 She says we should go to the chapel. 913 01:16:43,383 --> 01:16:45,724 How can you understand her? 914 01:16:55,213 --> 01:16:57,370 Are you married? 915 01:16:58,070 --> 01:16:59,626 Me? No. 916 01:17:07,256 --> 01:17:09,594 Maybe you should consider getting yourself a wife. 917 01:17:10,512 --> 01:17:14,344 It is very important for a man like you to have someone who cares for him 918 01:17:14,793 --> 01:17:17,470 when he comes home at night. 919 01:17:19,165 --> 01:17:20,628 I prefer to live alone. 920 01:17:22,510 --> 01:17:26,005 But the good Lord created two types of being 921 01:17:26,165 --> 01:17:30,125 that they may find one another and share their lives. 922 01:17:30,834 --> 01:17:32,236 That may well be. 923 01:17:35,876 --> 01:17:37,847 I have to go. 924 01:17:38,276 --> 01:17:39,960 You're very lonely, aren't you? 925 01:17:41,252 --> 01:17:43,146 Good night, Dr Riffleson. 926 01:17:43,332 --> 01:17:46,521 I'll accompany you out. I have to go that way anyhow. 927 01:17:55,120 --> 01:17:56,861 I'll send the woman back to you. 928 01:17:58,889 --> 01:18:02,771 But don't let her escape again. - Don't worry, it won't happen again. 929 01:18:29,510 --> 01:18:31,282 What was that? - What? 930 01:18:31,598 --> 01:18:34,941 - I heard a shot. - A shot? I didn't hear anything. 931 01:18:45,914 --> 01:18:49,688 - What's that screaming? - Probably the woman on the first floor. 932 01:18:50,366 --> 01:18:52,556 Whenever the pain is too much... 933 01:20:38,794 --> 01:20:40,550 Professor Smirnoff? 934 01:20:43,200 --> 01:20:45,048 You've arrived at last! 935 01:20:45,597 --> 01:20:48,247 Have you brought me my red jelly? 936 01:20:48,817 --> 01:20:51,420 Red what? - Red jelly. 937 01:20:51,910 --> 01:20:54,375 Don't pretend you don't understand. 938 01:20:56,254 --> 01:20:59,080 You're a policeman, aren't you? 939 01:20:59,521 --> 01:21:02,417 Promise me you won't harm her. 940 01:21:02,742 --> 01:21:06,624 I need my red jelly. I can't live without my red jelly. 941 01:21:07,178 --> 01:21:09,017 Who shouldn't I harm? 942 01:21:09,316 --> 01:21:12,611 Want to know what I do here? 943 01:21:13,484 --> 01:21:14,624 I'm all ears. 944 01:21:16,003 --> 01:21:17,960 I'm Professor Smirnoff! 945 01:21:18,291 --> 01:21:19,194 I know. 946 01:21:19,702 --> 01:21:22,042 Tell me, who's keeping you here? 947 01:21:22,856 --> 01:21:24,705 I created all of this! 948 01:21:24,890 --> 01:21:26,954 Look: 949 01:21:27,331 --> 01:21:29,935 This trusting little creature. 950 01:21:30,202 --> 01:21:32,292 Bon voyage, Boris! 951 01:21:34,609 --> 01:21:36,650 Want to know how 952 01:21:36,896 --> 01:21:39,240 - I created it all? - Yes, Professor. 953 01:21:39,782 --> 01:21:44,823 I simply crossed larvae of the species Psammechinus Miliaris, Cetalia Simplex 954 01:21:44,983 --> 01:21:48,253 and an extremely halophilic Ikosaeder virus. 955 01:21:49,170 --> 01:21:51,665 When their pronuclei fuse, 956 01:21:51,826 --> 01:21:54,989 the strongly acidic phospho-ribosilic 957 01:21:55,151 --> 01:21:58,454 formimino-amido-imidazol carboxamide 958 01:21:58,732 --> 01:22:01,204 phospho-ribosilic isomerase... 959 01:22:15,370 --> 01:22:19,543 ...and centripedal laticin filaments, thus producing artificial beings 960 01:22:19,710 --> 01:22:22,849 capable of independent, deliberate movement 961 01:22:23,090 --> 01:22:24,774 and, just like human beings, 962 01:22:24,934 --> 01:22:28,668 enjoy taking in food such as red jelly. 963 01:22:29,185 --> 01:22:33,210 By biting off the genitals of innocent men. Why, Professor? 964 01:22:34,384 --> 01:22:36,510 They give me red jelly for it. 965 01:22:38,678 --> 01:22:40,943 Who does? Who gives you red jelly, Professor? 966 01:22:41,927 --> 01:22:44,592 I give the professor red jelly! 967 01:22:44,838 --> 01:22:46,699 Any other questions, Detective? 968 01:22:46,875 --> 01:22:50,547 - Dr Riffleson! - Precisely. Now give me your gun. 969 01:22:51,886 --> 01:22:55,760 If you don't give me your gun he'll blow your sick little brain out! 970 01:22:57,612 --> 01:22:58,674 Search him! 971 01:23:08,716 --> 01:23:10,008 The game's over! 972 01:23:10,250 --> 01:23:12,489 The police have come to rescue me! 973 01:23:12,916 --> 01:23:17,018 - Shut up and get on with your work! - No, I won't carry on! 974 01:23:17,455 --> 01:23:18,724 They'll rescue me 975 01:23:18,931 --> 01:23:20,848 and then I, Professor Smirnoff... 976 01:23:21,090 --> 01:23:24,611 back to work, or there'll be no red jelly! 977 01:23:40,773 --> 01:23:43,731 Over there. And no funny business. 978 01:23:44,326 --> 01:23:45,404 Go! Go! Go! 979 01:23:48,856 --> 01:23:52,165 I'm very pleased you've come to visit us, Detective. 980 01:23:54,023 --> 01:23:58,077 - May I ask what this is all about? - I'm preparing for His arrival! 981 01:23:59,406 --> 01:24:02,850 - Whose arrival? - The arrival and return of the Lord! 982 01:24:05,029 --> 01:24:07,529 - I don't understand. - How could you? 983 01:24:07,773 --> 01:24:10,005 The Lord doesn't speak to the fallen. 984 01:24:10,420 --> 01:24:12,156 He will arrive on December 31st 1999 985 01:24:12,319 --> 01:24:16,310 together with His earthly counterpart 986 01:24:17,130 --> 01:24:19,326 on the 11:30 flight from Rome to New York. 987 01:24:20,215 --> 01:24:23,041 He's coming to pass judgement on 988 01:24:23,206 --> 01:24:25,943 the greatest, most sinful Babel in the world! 989 01:24:26,112 --> 01:24:28,090 This city is Sodom and Gomorrah! 990 01:24:28,490 --> 01:24:33,052 I have the sacred duty and divine honor of preparing the way for Him 991 01:24:33,273 --> 01:24:36,822 by judging and punishing the most reprehensible of all sinners 992 01:24:36,993 --> 01:24:40,258 in advance of His coming! 993 01:24:41,090 --> 01:24:43,702 - Well... - Don't deny it, Detective! 994 01:24:43,862 --> 01:24:46,809 I know everything about your unnatural activities! 995 01:24:46,969 --> 01:24:48,525 The Bible says: 996 01:24:48,898 --> 01:24:51,293 "Man shall not lie with another man. " 997 01:24:51,459 --> 01:24:55,046 But you know that, don't you? It also says: "Be fruitful and multiply." 998 01:24:55,206 --> 01:24:57,670 Not: "Give in to lust. " 999 01:24:57,830 --> 01:25:02,044 There's nothing in the Holy Scriptures about condoms or contraception. 1000 01:25:02,228 --> 01:25:04,792 Nothing about useless ejaculations 1001 01:25:04,989 --> 01:25:09,977 or those disgusting orgies you engage in with your perverse friends. 1002 01:25:15,912 --> 01:25:18,268 Go on, Detective. Go on, have a look. 1003 01:25:35,249 --> 01:25:37,890 A nice little group, don't you think? 1004 01:25:38,983 --> 01:25:42,605 Brothel owners, pimps, men who wear women's clothes, 1005 01:25:42,765 --> 01:25:44,685 policemen who let evil men go free, 1006 01:25:44,856 --> 01:25:48,769 and tourists who stick their noses into other people's business... 1007 01:25:49,191 --> 01:25:51,626 I shall conquer evil! 1008 01:25:52,048 --> 01:25:53,555 I will not rest 1009 01:25:53,715 --> 01:25:57,499 until every last sinner out there has been judged! 1010 01:25:57,960 --> 01:25:59,343 So that was it. 1011 01:25:59,690 --> 01:26:04,482 A neurotic, man-hating religious fanatic had transformed a brilliant scientist 1012 01:26:05,362 --> 01:26:07,673 into an instrument of her deranged plan. 1013 01:26:08,819 --> 01:26:10,537 Smirnoff's new method 1014 01:26:10,789 --> 01:26:15,003 for binding silicon latex with centripedal lacitin filaments 1015 01:26:15,168 --> 01:26:16,912 is a sign from God 1016 01:26:17,201 --> 01:26:21,242 that we must put an end to all these perverse sinners! 1017 01:26:27,309 --> 01:26:29,034 Come here, Detective. 1018 01:26:29,665 --> 01:26:31,259 Come! Come! Come! 1019 01:26:33,469 --> 01:26:37,926 You're so fond of boasting that you need extra-large condoms. 1020 01:26:52,970 --> 01:26:54,464 Detective Macaroni: 1021 01:26:54,959 --> 01:26:57,131 this model's especially for you. 1022 01:26:57,648 --> 01:27:01,784 - It's nice of you to think of me. - I've waited for this moment for weeks! 1023 01:27:02,019 --> 01:27:05,726 Now pull out your sinful Babel penis! 1024 01:27:07,352 --> 01:27:08,985 You're insane! 1025 01:27:10,728 --> 01:27:11,744 Move it. 1026 01:27:12,746 --> 01:27:15,380 Get it out. 1027 01:28:03,984 --> 01:28:07,494 - Come on Detective: It's feeding time. - Listen, Dr Riffleson. 1028 01:28:07,746 --> 01:28:10,518 I'm sure the creator wouldn't approve. 1029 01:28:10,749 --> 01:28:13,898 After all, He gave me this lovely big penis... 1030 01:28:14,058 --> 01:28:18,566 To be fruitful! To marry a woman and bring children into the world! 1031 01:28:18,940 --> 01:28:22,507 But what do you do? You stick it in young men's behinds! 1032 01:28:22,667 --> 01:28:25,646 No, Detective. That's not what the Lord intended 1033 01:28:25,848 --> 01:28:28,031 when he gave you this penis. 1034 01:28:29,970 --> 01:28:32,512 Now pull it out! 1035 01:29:33,938 --> 01:29:35,096 I'm free! 1036 01:29:35,605 --> 01:29:38,208 Professor Smirnoff is free! 1037 01:30:17,505 --> 01:30:20,474 - Red jelly! - What do you want, Professor? 1038 01:30:21,126 --> 01:30:24,877 Everyone dies unless I get red jelly! 1039 01:30:25,083 --> 01:30:29,643 - Not now, Professor! - I can't go on without red jelly! 1040 01:30:33,170 --> 01:30:34,526 You stupid old man! 1041 01:31:31,350 --> 01:31:35,009 - I guess you saved my pecker. - I love you, Cop. 1042 01:31:37,177 --> 01:31:38,162 Here... 1043 01:31:40,456 --> 01:31:41,865 Use this to bandage your hand. 1044 01:31:42,035 --> 01:31:43,601 Excuse me, you love-birds! 1045 01:31:43,761 --> 01:31:46,010 - Get me down! - Please, Macaroni! 1046 01:31:46,330 --> 01:31:48,184 Get us down from here! 1047 01:31:59,583 --> 01:32:00,901 Watch out, Luigi! 1048 01:32:03,985 --> 01:32:06,287 Macaroni, do you have a moment to spare? 1049 01:32:07,347 --> 01:32:09,389 The game's over, Riffleson. 1050 01:32:09,731 --> 01:32:13,582 How wrong you are! God is on my side! Come! Come! Come! 1051 01:32:15,825 --> 01:32:18,947 What do you hope to achieve? Let the boy go. 1052 01:32:19,501 --> 01:32:21,529 The Lord's will must be obeyed! 1053 01:32:21,736 --> 01:32:26,038 And the Lord wants you to jump into the condoms! 1054 01:32:28,014 --> 01:32:29,350 Anybody there? 1055 01:32:32,189 --> 01:32:33,196 Jump! 1056 01:32:42,300 --> 01:32:43,210 No. 1057 01:32:43,992 --> 01:32:45,280 I won't jump. 1058 01:32:47,212 --> 01:32:48,757 Look around you. 1059 01:32:49,446 --> 01:32:51,056 This is your work. 1060 01:32:51,782 --> 01:32:54,042 Do you really think that God will forgive you? 1061 01:32:54,307 --> 01:32:58,610 You've created a hell full of creatures that could never be the work of God. 1062 01:32:59,887 --> 01:33:01,801 You talk about sin and depravity, 1063 01:33:01,961 --> 01:33:03,463 and you may be right... 1064 01:33:03,878 --> 01:33:06,701 But look at the boy you're pointing a gun at. 1065 01:33:07,090 --> 01:33:10,148 He's young and deserves the right to live. 1066 01:33:11,342 --> 01:33:13,972 There aren't any condoms in heaven, Dr Riffleson. 1067 01:33:14,516 --> 01:33:16,288 Nor any that bite. 1068 01:33:16,963 --> 01:33:20,006 You speak of a God who will judge all of mankind. 1069 01:33:20,421 --> 01:33:23,041 I say God will protect all lovers. 1070 01:33:23,257 --> 01:33:26,321 He doesn't care of its two men or a man and a woman. 1071 01:33:26,632 --> 01:33:30,538 He doesn't care if a man dresses like a woman and sings in a bar. 1072 01:33:30,999 --> 01:33:32,610 It's quite possible 1073 01:33:32,850 --> 01:33:35,803 that these people haven't always done the right thing, 1074 01:33:36,106 --> 01:33:38,553 but we're all human beings. 1075 01:33:39,043 --> 01:33:42,184 We're all responsible for the way we live our lives. 1076 01:33:42,549 --> 01:33:45,153 If God does ever pass judgment over us, 1077 01:33:45,413 --> 01:33:48,652 He won't need anyone to do it for Him. 1078 01:33:49,031 --> 01:33:52,330 Each and every one of us here, whether homosexual or heterosexual, 1079 01:33:52,783 --> 01:33:56,002 whether transvestite or atheist professor, 1080 01:33:56,382 --> 01:34:00,488 brothel owner or policeman, Serb, Croat or Chinese... 1081 01:34:00,891 --> 01:34:03,526 I don't know where the words came from. 1082 01:34:03,901 --> 01:34:07,587 I was giving a sermon and realising my words were having an effect... 1083 01:34:08,328 --> 01:34:11,394 May he who is free of sin cast the first stone! 1084 01:34:11,576 --> 01:34:15,655 Only the strange light bothered me. 1085 01:34:16,689 --> 01:34:19,549 That and the angels singing around me. 1086 01:34:22,200 --> 01:34:23,580 It's all so... 1087 01:34:24,398 --> 01:34:25,486 dirty! 1088 01:34:30,161 --> 01:34:33,486 You're all... so... dirty! 1089 01:34:37,241 --> 01:34:38,734 It's all over, Doctor. 1090 01:34:39,889 --> 01:34:41,211 You're all alone. 1091 01:36:02,689 --> 01:36:03,959 you know, Loogi... 1092 01:36:06,297 --> 01:36:09,481 I'm fed up playing your mother. The job's much too tiring. 1093 01:36:11,574 --> 01:36:15,401 - You kept your cool, Babette. - I was a cop once. I know the score. 1094 01:36:16,549 --> 01:36:19,275 What will you do now? - Dunno. 1095 01:36:19,435 --> 01:36:24,497 My bra is killing me, my wig itches and my balls are still tight as a fist. 1096 01:36:32,088 --> 01:36:33,421 You were great! 1097 01:36:33,674 --> 01:36:37,875 - Just like old times! - Except you weren't so pretty then. 1098 01:36:38,133 --> 01:36:41,480 I think you've earned yourself a break, Macaroni. 1099 01:36:42,650 --> 01:36:46,085 I don't want to see you at work for at least 4 weeks. 1100 01:36:48,440 --> 01:36:50,517 I won't be back at all, sir. 1101 01:36:51,810 --> 01:36:56,234 I've had enough of this job. - but you're the best man I've got. 1102 01:36:56,693 --> 01:36:58,717 You just have to know when to stop. 1103 01:36:58,970 --> 01:37:02,944 Has anyone told you how sexy you look hanging over a condom-filled pool? 1104 01:37:03,104 --> 01:37:06,929 - Don't give me that, Bob. - Sorry, I forgot you're homophobic. 1105 01:37:07,127 --> 01:37:09,150 - Homo what? - Homophobic! 1106 01:37:09,573 --> 01:37:13,683 After Luigi's sermon on the Mount, nobody can have anything against gays. 1107 01:37:15,116 --> 01:37:18,897 We should all be happy to have something between our legs, whatever we do. 1108 01:37:19,611 --> 01:37:22,145 Take a few days off and we'll talk about it then. 1109 01:37:22,562 --> 01:37:23,520 Look out, sir! 1110 01:37:28,427 --> 01:37:31,430 You're a cop through and through! 1111 01:37:32,462 --> 01:37:33,737 You'll be back. 1112 01:37:34,219 --> 01:37:35,440 Who knows, sir? 1113 01:37:40,938 --> 01:37:44,738 Either way, I'm outta here. I could use a relaxing bath. 1114 01:37:44,898 --> 01:37:46,278 Great idea! 1115 01:37:46,978 --> 01:37:51,058 I have an enormous bathtub at home and pine-scented bath oil. 1116 01:38:08,777 --> 01:38:10,467 What now? 1117 01:38:11,878 --> 01:38:13,856 I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat. 1118 01:38:14,448 --> 01:38:16,789 OK, but not Italian. 1119 01:38:17,188 --> 01:38:21,214 But I know a great place to eat, with the world's best pasta and sauces. 1120 01:38:21,635 --> 01:38:25,573 Really? - Yes, it isn't far from here. Just straight across the ocean. 1121 01:38:26,127 --> 01:38:29,615 Sicily is closer than you think. - Are you serious? 1122 01:38:30,363 --> 01:38:32,006 Sure I am. 1123 01:38:32,689 --> 01:38:34,301 We have enough time. 1124 01:38:35,683 --> 01:38:37,358 Ever been to Europe before? 1125 01:38:38,117 --> 01:38:38,970 - No. 1126 01:38:39,380 --> 01:38:42,739 There you go. I'll show you my home. 1127 01:38:43,639 --> 01:38:45,236 I'll show you Etna 1128 01:38:45,639 --> 01:38:46,871 and my mother. 1129 01:38:47,677 --> 01:38:48,964 Will she like that? 1130 01:38:49,400 --> 01:38:50,253 No. 1131 01:38:51,196 --> 01:38:54,307 But we needn't tell her you're not a virgin anymore! 1132 01:38:56,898 --> 01:38:58,820 You really wanna resign from the force? 1133 01:38:59,531 --> 01:39:00,634 I'm not sure. 1134 01:39:01,654 --> 01:39:04,910 It would have one disadvantage, though. - What's that? 1135 01:39:05,659 --> 01:39:09,163 You'd never call me Cop again, and I like it when you do. 1136 01:39:09,564 --> 01:39:12,076 I promise I'll always call you Cop. 1137 01:39:12,782 --> 01:39:13,851 Really? 1138 01:39:15,588 --> 01:39:16,791 Say it again. 1139 01:39:17,138 --> 01:39:17,987 Cop. 1140 01:39:20,185 --> 01:39:21,177 Again. 1141 01:39:21,735 --> 01:39:22,665 Cop. 1142 01:39:26,220 --> 01:39:27,245 Again! 1143 01:39:28,172 --> 01:39:29,100 Cop. 1144 01:39:31,051 --> 01:39:32,141 Again. 1145 01:39:32,947 --> 01:39:34,389 Kiss me, Cop! 86768