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1
00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:02,450
Come on, Phyllis
2
00:01:09,763 --> 00:01:13,057
Where are we?
I thought you were taking me home?
3
00:01:14,593 --> 00:01:15,981
Evening. What can I do for you?
4
00:01:16,508 --> 00:01:18,826
We'd like a double room
5
00:01:19,155 --> 00:01:21,309
With shower and toilet?
- Yes
6
00:01:21,989 --> 00:01:24,101
Room 308.
- Thanks
7
00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:25,530
Come on
- But...
8
00:01:26,202 --> 00:01:27,861
Hello, Rebecca !
9
00:01:28,162 --> 00:01:29,636
Hi, Robinson
10
00:01:30,662 --> 00:01:33,635
Got a room?
Lover boy wants to show me his dick
11
00:01:34,609 --> 00:01:37,841
Excuse me for asking,
but is there a...
12
00:01:38,782 --> 00:01:41,924
Where in this hotel...
13
00:01:42,325 --> 00:01:45,842
is there a contraceptive dispenser?
14
00:01:46,056 --> 00:01:48,465
There are rubbers on every bedside table
15
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,838
It's part of the service
16
00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:52,804
How thoughtful
17
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:58,016
I'm sure you're wondering
what all this is about
18
00:01:58,474 --> 00:02:00,044
You see, my dear...
19
00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:04,747
I'm afraid I was lying this morning
when I said you'd passed your exams
20
00:02:05,953 --> 00:02:08,149
Lying?
- Yes, Phyllis
21
00:02:08,694 --> 00:02:10,737
You're 9 points short:
22
00:02:11,194 --> 00:02:14,267
4 in sociology and 5 in psychology
23
00:02:16,401 --> 00:02:20,076
- But that's terrible!
- No, it isn't
24
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,606
You know why?
Because I'm your examiner
25
00:02:24,689 --> 00:02:27,092
You're a hard-working girl, Phyllis
26
00:02:27,621 --> 00:02:29,313
You deserve to graduate
27
00:02:30,588 --> 00:02:34,039
I'll just add 9 points to your grade.
Nobody will know.
28
00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:36,805
It'll be our little secret
29
00:02:37,613 --> 00:02:40,349
But you have to do something for me
30
00:02:41,707 --> 00:02:44,530
I'm crazy for you
- Vice-principal!
31
00:02:44,722 --> 00:02:48,371
I've worshipped you for years.
Please take your blouse off.
32
00:02:49,056 --> 00:02:52,832
You can't imagine
how long I've waited for this moment.
33
00:02:53,112 --> 00:02:55,663
The years of suffering...
34
00:02:56,258 --> 00:02:57,592
Don't touch me!
35
00:03:03,921 --> 00:03:05,050
Very well.
36
00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:07,566
I don't want to force you,
37
00:03:08,202 --> 00:03:12,555
but under the circumstances
I can't help you either.
38
00:03:12,956 --> 00:03:16,829
You're parents will be very disappointed.
But you wanted it that way.
39
00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:26,433
I see you're being sensible.
That's good, Phyllis.
40
00:03:28,355 --> 00:03:30,886
Don't cry. Please.
41
00:03:31,997 --> 00:03:36,091
Hey, did you know
that hotels give out free condoms?
42
00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:38,310
What?
43
00:03:38,311 --> 00:03:41,285
This safer sex campaign
must be costing the government billions
44
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:48,155
There...
Now just lie down and relax.
45
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:51,730
But...
46
00:03:52,450 --> 00:03:53,450
What... ?
47
00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:16,450
The Killer Condom
48
00:04:39,324 --> 00:04:42,053
This is a non-smoking elevator, you jerk!
49
00:04:44,001 --> 00:04:45,511
Stinks like an ashtray
50
00:04:57,159 --> 00:04:58,440
Morning, Detective!
51
00:05:00,810 --> 00:05:05,762
Hey, Macaroni! Some pimp over on 42nd Street
put his mother in a clothes dryer
52
00:05:05,928 --> 00:05:08,646
and threw it out the window.
You want the case?
53
00:05:08,858 --> 00:05:11,172
Give him a bottle of aspirin
and a coffee first.
54
00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:16,448
That isn't my department.
You think I'm a fireman or something?
55
00:05:16,997 --> 00:05:18,781
Damn right! Precisely!
56
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,250
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr Macaroni!
57
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:26,069
Morning, Captain
- Don't change the subject!
58
00:05:26,814 --> 00:05:30,001
If I send for you,
you're to move your ass getting here.
59
00:05:30,255 --> 00:05:31,271
Is that clear?
60
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:32,898
It's my day off, sir.
61
00:05:35,747 --> 00:05:36,720
See them?
62
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,334
I thought I'd seen everything
but this takes the cake!
63
00:05:42,223 --> 00:05:45,088
- Any motive?
- No. One had a little coke,
64
00:05:45,259 --> 00:05:47,550
one stinks of advocaat. Nothing major
65
00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:50,579
Fact is, they bit off their clients...
66
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,616
... genitalia
67
00:05:54,015 --> 00:05:57,494
There's a line of four pricks down the lab
68
00:05:57,671 --> 00:05:59,460
but these girls are playing dumb.
69
00:05:59,761 --> 00:06:03,024
- You said four pricks?
- There's a fourth girl
70
00:06:03,246 --> 00:06:06,924
She's no whore, mind.
A clean kid from Oklahoma.
71
00:06:08,058 --> 00:06:10,725
There was... all that blood...
72
00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:14,530
and the p... p... penis...
73
00:06:14,630 --> 00:06:17,530
jumped on the floor...
and ran under the bed.
74
00:06:17,570 --> 00:06:19,279
It's your case, Macaroni.
75
00:06:19,454 --> 00:06:23,241
I want a report on my desk
by this evening, OK?
76
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:26,644
Is sex always like that?
77
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:35,861
Look, we've been waiting
for over half an hour.
78
00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:38,523
Why are you holding our daughter?
79
00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:41,443
We're not really sure what happened.
80
00:06:41,962 --> 00:06:43,070
Oh my god...
81
00:06:43,651 --> 00:06:47,192
Is she hurt?
- Don't worry. Phyllis is OK.
82
00:06:47,894 --> 00:06:51,351
It's just that the whole thing
is a little delicate. You see...
83
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:54,204
Get to the point!
What happened to her?
84
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,552
I don't want to worry you but...
- Listen, Detective:
85
00:06:58,148 --> 00:07:02,842
We didn't fly in from Farmville Oklahoma
to listen to your lame excuses.
86
00:07:03,128 --> 00:07:06,930
Either tell us what happened to her
or let me speak to your superior!
87
00:07:08,498 --> 00:07:11,865
In a sleazy hotel
in one of the worst areas of New York,
88
00:07:12,025 --> 00:07:14,811
your daughter bit off
her college professor's penis.
89
00:07:17,399 --> 00:07:18,466
Cigarette?
90
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,651
What was that?
91
00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:27,810
It's a clear-cut case:
92
00:07:28,454 --> 00:07:32,010
When we broke the door down to get in,
Phyllis was on the bed screaming.
93
00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:34,866
A man was found unconscious on the floor.
94
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,090
His penis was found under the bed.
95
00:07:42,605 --> 00:07:44,863
There must be some mistake.
96
00:07:45,785 --> 00:07:48,706
That isn't possible...
Detective!
97
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:54,060
It might interest you to know
that this isn't anything unusual.
98
00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:59,663
Four penises bit the dust
in that hotel last night.
99
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:03,683
And a guy out on 42nd Street
put his mother-in-law in a clothes dryer
100
00:08:03,857 --> 00:08:05,559
and threw it out the window.
101
00:08:06,356 --> 00:08:08,610
This is New York, sir.
102
00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:13,400
Things are a little different
than in Farmville Oklahoma.
103
00:08:14,201 --> 00:08:18,126
Take Phyllis home with you.
She'll only pick up bad habits here.
104
00:08:18,286 --> 00:08:21,748
You know what kids are like.
They have to try everything.
105
00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:54,108
What is it people like about this city?
106
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:59,165
I mean, some people go starry-eyed
just at the mention of "New York".
107
00:08:59,476 --> 00:09:02,945
New York: The city of cities,
the ultimate metropolis.
108
00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:06,290
Then they'll tell you
about shitty museums and restaurants.
109
00:09:07,535 --> 00:09:12,003
I spent my childhood in Sicily
on my family's run-down plot of land.
110
00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:15,296
It was quiet and peaceful
and the wind blew through the trees.
111
00:09:15,910 --> 00:09:19,659
I often think about those days
when I'm stuck in traffic in New York,
112
00:09:19,842 --> 00:09:22,435
caught between the pedestrians,
the fumes and the busy streets.
113
00:09:23,197 --> 00:09:26,719
The streets are a stinking cesspool,
a playground for perverts.
114
00:09:26,948 --> 00:09:31,392
Even good girls from Oklahoma
end up biting off some guy's dick.
115
00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:34,820
As a cop, you lose touch with reality.
116
00:09:35,003 --> 00:09:37,238
You see nothing but filth and scum.
117
00:09:37,969 --> 00:09:40,736
There may well be
good things in this city,
118
00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,659
but it's my job
to rummage deep down in the dirt.
119
00:10:40,043 --> 00:10:42,284
- Hi, Luigi.
- Hi, Robinson.
120
00:10:42,496 --> 00:10:44,250
Where did it happen?
121
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,950
Room 308. What's with these whores,
122
00:10:48,155 --> 00:10:51,908
biting their Johns' dicks off?
They live off those dicks.
123
00:10:52,072 --> 00:10:53,927
OK. Give me the key to 308.
124
00:10:54,456 --> 00:10:56,250
You'll find nothing but blood.
125
00:10:56,413 --> 00:10:58,924
There's blood everywhere.
It's going to cost me a fortune.
126
00:10:59,266 --> 00:11:00,920
There's a trail of blood
127
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:06,209
from the bed to the bathroom,
and there's gobs of it up the wall!
128
00:11:06,568 --> 00:11:08,415
I can't leave it like that, can I?
129
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:11,820
I've seen a lot of things in my time,
130
00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:14,866
but this really beats everything!
131
00:11:24,879 --> 00:11:26,251
You've still got one, haven't you?
132
00:11:35,992 --> 00:11:38,146
I'll send the D. A. the bill.
What d'you think?
133
00:11:39,521 --> 00:11:41,632
Who's the boy?
- What boy?
134
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,890
That's Billy.
Quite a good earner, that boy.
135
00:11:47,305 --> 00:11:49,762
Brings in a lot of customers.
136
00:11:50,141 --> 00:11:52,269
By the way,
have you found the prick yet?
137
00:11:52,548 --> 00:11:55,723
I looked everywhere:
Under the cupboards, behind the toilet.
138
00:11:56,093 --> 00:11:59,384
Quit yacking, Robinson. Give me the key.
139
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,570
What do you want in there, Luigi?
140
00:12:02,813 --> 00:12:04,155
I already told you...
141
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:07,617
Did you know
the little dick-chomper was under age?
142
00:12:11,042 --> 00:12:14,609
If she hadn't bitten down so hard
I'd have thought she had baby teeth.
143
00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:27,999
Loogi!
144
00:12:29,385 --> 00:12:31,886
Hi, Bob! What are you doing here?
145
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:33,643
I'm singing.
146
00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:36,540
And I'm not Bob anymore.
My name's Babette now.
147
00:12:37,338 --> 00:12:42,096
This isn't exactly Broadway, but I heard
that a famous producer screws here
148
00:12:42,882 --> 00:12:47,479
He'll discover me, take me to Hollywood
and I'll end up bathing in champagne.
149
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:50,508
- Good luck.
- Loogi!
150
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,602
Don't call me Loogi. It's Luigi!
151
00:12:55,314 --> 00:12:58,458
- Loogi doesn't exist anymore.
- I always call you Loogi!
152
00:12:59,616 --> 00:13:02,192
In our night, it drove you wild.
153
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:04,232
But you want to forget all that.
154
00:13:04,842 --> 00:13:07,541
Exactly. And so should you, Bob.
155
00:13:08,262 --> 00:13:09,634
Don't even think about it.
156
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,836
But I do! Loogi, we've got to talk!
157
00:13:14,531 --> 00:13:16,848
I didn't know
we had anything to talk about.
158
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:18,949
I'm in therapy.
159
00:13:20,390 --> 00:13:21,655
Good. And I'm on duty.
160
00:13:22,813 --> 00:13:24,779
Is that all you have to say?
161
00:13:25,862 --> 00:13:28,141
Look at me, Loogi.
You made me what I am.
162
00:13:28,797 --> 00:13:31,477
My therapist says you need me.
163
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:35,202
That you love me, but you're too proud
to show me your real feelings.
164
00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:38,657
He says I remind you of your mother
165
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:42,187
and that you are plagued by the thought
of having slept with your mother.
166
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,842
But Loogi...
167
00:13:44,377 --> 00:13:46,452
I'm not your mother!
168
00:13:46,637 --> 00:13:48,390
- Really?
- I'm your boyfriend,
169
00:13:48,605 --> 00:13:51,384
your girlfriend, even your mother, if you want.
170
00:13:51,695 --> 00:13:54,497
Many men have sexual fantasies
about their mother.
171
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:57,252
That's Psychology 101
172
00:13:57,678 --> 00:14:01,849
- What sort of a therapist is he?
- Remember how wonderful it all was...
173
00:14:02,024 --> 00:14:06,530
What are you talking about, Bob?
- You showed me what sex really means.
174
00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:12,826
It was euphoria, ecstasy, passion,
lust, pain and happiness!
175
00:14:13,535 --> 00:14:14,770
It was the meaning of life!
176
00:14:16,788 --> 00:14:20,035
It lasted 3 minutes maximum.
I fell asleep halfway through.
177
00:14:20,196 --> 00:14:21,449
I was wrong, Bob.
178
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,649
I'm not Bob anymore. My name's Babette.
179
00:14:26,262 --> 00:14:27,179
And I love you.
180
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,356
Listen, Bob...
181
00:14:28,537 --> 00:14:29,382
Babette!
182
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,010
OK, Babette.
183
00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:34,100
Whatever happened that night,
184
00:14:34,294 --> 00:14:36,885
I can't remember it,
and I didn't want it to happen.
185
00:14:37,404 --> 00:14:39,996
You should just forget me
and try to get your act together.
186
00:14:42,702 --> 00:14:44,093
You're not a transvestite...
187
00:14:44,914 --> 00:14:46,932
I look like you mother and you love me.
188
00:14:47,124 --> 00:14:49,155
My therapist told me that and it's true!
189
00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:54,012
I've got work to do, Bob. See you.
190
00:14:57,452 --> 00:14:59,189
Loogi! Who is that?
191
00:15:00,447 --> 00:15:01,713
Leave me alone.
192
00:15:02,107 --> 00:15:04,348
Are you having an affair with him?
193
00:15:04,668 --> 00:15:07,874
- I pity you.
- Oh, yeah? Well I pity you!
194
00:15:08,036 --> 00:15:10,402
You're just afraid of your feelings!
195
00:15:10,562 --> 00:15:12,645
Stronger personalities intimidate you!
196
00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:15,236
You're nothing
but a little Sicilian faggot!
197
00:15:16,156 --> 00:15:18,510
if you call me a faggot again,
198
00:15:18,688 --> 00:15:22,960
I'll squeeze the artificial hormones
out of these pathetic tits, got it?
199
00:15:24,018 --> 00:15:25,406
Go on, hit me!
200
00:15:32,162 --> 00:15:34,053
I know you love me.
201
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:35,731
Who was that?
202
00:15:36,223 --> 00:15:38,151
My mother. Didn't you hear?
203
00:15:38,487 --> 00:15:40,820
Are you a cop or something?
204
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:43,057
Why?
205
00:15:44,018 --> 00:15:45,505
Don't you screw cops?
206
00:15:45,668 --> 00:15:48,379
Don't know. Never been asked before.
207
00:15:49,344 --> 00:15:51,250
So are you a cop or not?
208
00:15:54,024 --> 00:15:57,855
I have a dick like a cop,
I screw like a cop, maybe I am a cop.
209
00:15:58,024 --> 00:16:01,688
Imagine I'm an insurance salesman
if it turns you on.
210
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,257
That's...
211
00:16:47,732 --> 00:16:48,570
That's...
212
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,738
Exactly 32 centimetres.
213
00:16:54,290 --> 00:16:55,334
Hey, can we get started?
214
00:16:56,194 --> 00:16:58,329
- That's a real turn-on.
- What?
215
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,890
Getting laid by a cop.
216
00:17:28,777 --> 00:17:30,325
That rubber moved.
217
00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:33,690
- I swear it did!
- Bullshit!
218
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:34,983
Wait,
219
00:17:35,483 --> 00:17:36,640
I've got some myself.
220
00:17:36,998 --> 00:17:38,232
Black ones are sexier anyway.
221
00:17:38,656 --> 00:17:41,416
Does it matter?
You can't feel the difference.
222
00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:43,325
I just don't trust these hotel ones.
223
00:17:52,159 --> 00:17:54,004
What was that?
- Some kind of bug.
224
00:17:54,164 --> 00:17:55,535
- Really?
- Yes.
225
00:17:55,695 --> 00:17:59,622
A bug? That was the rubber.
It hissed at us and ran away.
226
00:17:59,782 --> 00:18:02,528
- You saw it too!
- I didn't.
227
00:18:02,688 --> 00:18:06,216
- I'm not stupid. It was the rubber.
- Give me my lighter, will you?
228
00:18:06,387 --> 00:18:08,956
- Where is it?
- In my pants: right pocket.
229
00:18:13,781 --> 00:18:15,046
- Here.
- Thanks.
230
00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:46,861
Hi Luigi.
231
00:18:47,988 --> 00:18:48,899
Hi, Sam.
232
00:18:52,789 --> 00:18:54,319
How's it hanging?
233
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,113
Crookedly.
234
00:18:58,509 --> 00:19:00,379
The beast bit off my right ball.
235
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,112
What? That gay guy?
236
00:19:03,355 --> 00:19:06,041
No!
It was a condom, Sam.
237
00:19:06,756 --> 00:19:10,239
There is a prick-eating rubber
up there in that hotel room.
238
00:19:10,674 --> 00:19:11,474
Really?
239
00:19:12,175 --> 00:19:16,232
Well it looks like one anyway.
The moment you roll it on, it bites you.
240
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:24,364
OK, Luigi.
I'll tell you what I think:
241
00:19:25,571 --> 00:19:28,530
You've got involved with a drug-crazed
criminal call-boy again
242
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,965
who took a good bite in his frenzy.
243
00:19:32,148 --> 00:19:35,049
Or else it was
some sick sado-masochistic game.
244
00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:37,967
- Something like that.
- No!
245
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:38,868
No?
246
00:19:38,869 --> 00:19:42,604
Robinson saw him running half-naked
out the elevator into the street.
247
00:19:42,851 --> 00:19:43,866
He panicked.
248
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,206
Have you ever seen a carnivorous condom?
249
00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:48,279
It was hell Sam. You'd have run too.
250
00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:52,450
OK, Luigi.
251
00:19:54,842 --> 00:19:57,022
Oh, sorry. I just wanted to...
252
00:19:57,798 --> 00:20:00,695
Detective Macaroni,
smoking is not permitted in here.
253
00:20:01,022 --> 00:20:04,728
If you do not put it out immediately,
I shall get very unpleasant.
254
00:20:06,365 --> 00:20:09,171
And that's a pill-box, not an ashtray.
255
00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:13,267
Take the blue ones this evening
and the red ones in the morning.
256
00:20:14,462 --> 00:20:17,152
You've passed water.
That's a good sign.
257
00:20:17,587 --> 00:20:20,972
It means you're over the worst.
- Thanks, Dr Riffleson.
258
00:20:21,797 --> 00:20:23,520
That's what I'm here for.
259
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:31,359
No, I won't!
And definitely not without a rubber.
260
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:34,807
You're so drunk
you won't get a boner anyway.
261
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,450
Oh yeah? I always get a hard-on.
262
00:20:38,793 --> 00:20:42,730
Are you serious? D'you really think
I'm going to touch your filthy cock?
263
00:21:12,016 --> 00:21:13,568
13 pricks, Sam!
264
00:21:14,018 --> 00:21:17,943
When I was in hospital,
13 guys lost their pricks in that hotel.
265
00:21:18,131 --> 00:21:22,439
- What d'you think is going on?
- How do I know? Could be anything.
266
00:21:22,623 --> 00:21:26,099
We've searched the entire hotel.
There's nothing there!
267
00:21:26,464 --> 00:21:30,206
It's a condom, Sam.
I'm telling you it's a goddamn condom!
268
00:21:30,371 --> 00:21:32,765
The place is full of them!
269
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:36,470
I refuse to talk
about man-eating rubbers.
270
00:21:36,638 --> 00:21:40,629
We have to talk about it, Sam!
I saw it!
271
00:21:40,792 --> 00:21:43,723
It's because of that condom
that I'm missing my right nut!
272
00:21:43,884 --> 00:21:45,719
And I was damn lucky too!
273
00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:53,487
There's no such thing as killer condoms.
274
00:21:54,041 --> 00:21:55,062
Really?
275
00:21:55,528 --> 00:21:56,733
Then look at this.
276
00:21:59,755 --> 00:22:01,005
What are you doing?
277
00:22:01,291 --> 00:22:02,554
Look at it, Sam.
278
00:22:04,213 --> 00:22:06,765
I've had a hard day, Macaroni.
279
00:22:06,927 --> 00:22:09,731
Spare me the sight of your genitalia.
280
00:22:10,071 --> 00:22:12,530
What do you think did this? A dust mite?
281
00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:14,669
That boy...
282
00:22:15,371 --> 00:22:16,546
It wasn't him!
283
00:22:17,049 --> 00:22:19,690
It was the condom, Sam!
The condom!
284
00:22:20,294 --> 00:22:22,112
It's got 13 pricks on its conscience.
285
00:22:22,365 --> 00:22:25,201
13 pricks and one ball.
286
00:22:38,303 --> 00:22:40,346
What do you think I should be doing?
287
00:22:40,887 --> 00:22:43,464
Sending officers out to frisk condoms?
288
00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:45,474
I can see the headlines now:
289
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:49,132
"Police Hunt for Crazed Contraceptive. "
290
00:22:49,314 --> 00:22:52,684
That's OK, Sam. You keep on doing
what you always do: nothing!
291
00:22:53,524 --> 00:22:55,964
I'll just have to
deal with this psycho myself.
292
00:22:57,102 --> 00:22:58,373
That's not bad:
293
00:22:58,924 --> 00:23:01,608
"One on One: Cop vs. Condom. "
294
00:23:05,616 --> 00:23:09,871
If someone had told me
about biting rubbers 3 weeks ago,
295
00:23:10,045 --> 00:23:14,208
I'd have said he was nuts.
Now I have no problem with the idea.
296
00:23:14,901 --> 00:23:18,393
We are constantly being confronted
by new concepts:
297
00:23:18,578 --> 00:23:19,921
"Internet", "cyberspace",
298
00:23:20,581 --> 00:23:23,829
"BSE", "high-risk groups", "Take That".
299
00:23:24,209 --> 00:23:26,785
Why not "killer condom"?
300
00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:31,334
I order them
from a wholesaler in Queens.
301
00:23:32,523 --> 00:23:34,505
Why? Is there something wrong with them?
302
00:23:36,076 --> 00:23:38,727
These rubbers
aren't wrapped individually.
303
00:23:38,996 --> 00:23:40,850
That's why they're so cheap!
304
00:23:41,564 --> 00:23:44,730
Did all the incidents
happen in the same room?
305
00:23:44,997 --> 00:23:46,877
It began in 308.
306
00:23:47,242 --> 00:23:49,746
But after the sixth guy lost his pecker
307
00:23:49,910 --> 00:23:52,409
I stopped giving the key out.
308
00:23:52,650 --> 00:23:54,066
And it moved to 309!
309
00:23:54,707 --> 00:23:57,340
That boy I was with...
310
00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:00,521
- The one who bit your ball off?
- He didn't!
311
00:24:00,682 --> 00:24:02,871
- But the cops said...
- Bullshit!
312
00:24:03,495 --> 00:24:04,652
Have you seen him again?
313
00:24:04,904 --> 00:24:06,223
He hasn't come back.
314
00:24:07,442 --> 00:24:09,211
Loogi! You're out of the hospital!
315
00:24:10,528 --> 00:24:11,693
Looks like it.
316
00:24:12,295 --> 00:24:14,082
I was so worried about you
317
00:24:14,826 --> 00:24:16,880
- Please, Bob...
- It's Babette!
318
00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:20,974
What did that little bastard do to you?
Is your dick OK?
319
00:24:22,311 --> 00:24:23,409
It's gone.
320
00:24:26,292 --> 00:24:27,540
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
321
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,443
That's OK.
There's more important things than sex.
322
00:24:30,701 --> 00:24:32,490
Sam said it was one ball...
323
00:24:33,251 --> 00:24:36,461
It bit the dick too.
Now it's in some hospital trash can.
324
00:24:37,088 --> 00:24:38,262
That's terrible...
325
00:24:38,887 --> 00:24:39,955
I feel so sorry for you...
326
00:24:40,891 --> 00:24:43,758
It must have been horrible...
327
00:24:46,301 --> 00:24:48,565
You're lying. What's that in your pants?
328
00:24:49,896 --> 00:24:51,085
The bandage.
329
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:56,004
Very funny!
But you won't get rid of me that easily.
330
00:24:57,053 --> 00:24:58,030
See you, Bob.
331
00:24:58,552 --> 00:25:00,301
It's Babette. Babette!
332
00:25:18,892 --> 00:25:21,850
For a moment
I thought about going to see Billy.
333
00:25:22,033 --> 00:25:23,851
I couldn't get him out of my head,
334
00:25:24,021 --> 00:25:27,127
Even though I'm not sentimental.
335
00:25:28,156 --> 00:25:30,715
I don't kid myself about love anymore.
336
00:25:30,921 --> 00:25:34,243
I mean, what is love?
It all boils down to sex anyway.
337
00:25:35,351 --> 00:25:36,205
It's not about me,
338
00:25:36,967 --> 00:25:39,590
but this enormous thing between my legs.
339
00:25:40,063 --> 00:25:41,130
Still,
340
00:25:41,717 --> 00:25:43,608
I sometimes long for something else.
341
00:25:44,088 --> 00:25:45,354
A little warmth.
342
00:25:45,863 --> 00:25:48,585
Someone who's there when you come home.
343
00:25:54,328 --> 00:25:55,610
Am I disturbing you?
-What?
344
00:25:57,675 --> 00:25:59,124
No, I...
345
00:26:00,343 --> 00:26:01,837
I'm a little...
346
00:26:02,214 --> 00:26:05,187
- I can go if you like.
- No, it's OK. Come in.
347
00:26:14,722 --> 00:26:16,506
So why are you here?
348
00:26:18,488 --> 00:26:21,042
If we... I mean...
349
00:26:21,465 --> 00:26:25,128
If it hadn't been for that condom...
350
00:26:25,438 --> 00:26:27,360
and we'd... well, you know...
- What then?
351
00:26:27,544 --> 00:26:29,847
- I wouldn't have charged you.
- Oh yeah?
352
00:26:30,133 --> 00:26:31,706
I don't charge if I enjoy it.
353
00:26:33,156 --> 00:26:36,713
It's your job. You live off that shit.
I'd have given you a few dollars for it.
354
00:26:38,046 --> 00:26:39,560
If you want...
355
00:26:40,244 --> 00:26:41,799
I'd like to see you again sometime.
356
00:26:44,338 --> 00:26:45,253
Well...
357
00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:48,370
My nut needs R&R at the moment.
358
00:26:48,736 --> 00:26:51,325
I don't mean sex. We could...
- Do what?
359
00:26:52,207 --> 00:26:54,131
Go dancing? Hold hands?
360
00:26:54,455 --> 00:26:57,258
Exchange perfumed love letters?
- Well...
361
00:26:57,420 --> 00:26:58,282
Listen, kid:
362
00:26:58,687 --> 00:27:01,133
I'm too old for this sort of thing.
363
00:27:01,636 --> 00:27:03,783
I've given up on great love stories.
364
00:27:04,110 --> 00:27:06,656
- But I only wanted to...
- Precisely!
365
00:27:07,757 --> 00:27:09,236
You're hot stuff, Billy.
366
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,301
But I'm tired of burning my fingers.
367
00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:15,670
We can have another go when I'm better.
368
00:27:15,877 --> 00:27:17,178
But that's all, OK?
369
00:27:19,814 --> 00:27:20,851
OK...
370
00:27:21,469 --> 00:27:22,780
I'm out of here.
371
00:27:27,575 --> 00:27:28,956
You're pretty cool, aren't you?
372
00:27:30,181 --> 00:27:31,965
I've been through too much shit.
373
00:27:33,139 --> 00:27:34,283
I'm sorry.
374
00:27:35,152 --> 00:27:36,311
Now go.
375
00:28:09,693 --> 00:28:13,754
How d'you like that, you filthy queen?
- Not bad. I've had better.
376
00:28:14,321 --> 00:28:17,206
I don't want to watch
two psychos getting it off.
377
00:28:18,575 --> 00:28:22,224
What's the point?
- Shut up, I�m trying to concentrate.
378
00:28:22,694 --> 00:28:26,779
I want to hit you. How much is that?
- A dollar per slap with the hand,
379
00:28:27,253 --> 00:28:30,897
2 dollars with a belt or whip,
and it's cheaper by the dozen.
380
00:28:31,075 --> 00:28:31,884
Damn!
381
00:28:32,829 --> 00:28:34,886
That's Bob!
- That's Babette.
382
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,130
Babette?
383
00:28:37,558 --> 00:28:39,741
Do you see that? It's Bob!
384
00:28:40,435 --> 00:28:41,977
What's he doing?
385
00:28:42,499 --> 00:28:45,450
That's disgusting!
I don't believe it!
386
00:28:45,776 --> 00:28:48,049
This guy used to be a cop, and now...
387
00:28:48,479 --> 00:28:51,792
That's gross!
- The rubber moved.
388
00:28:52,601 --> 00:28:56,295
- Is that all you can say?
That's Bob in there!
389
00:28:56,455 --> 00:28:59,873
Pull yourself together, Sam!
Yes, it's Bob alright. But so what?
390
00:29:00,510 --> 00:29:04,235
I bet that condom on the bedside table
is about to show us it's teeth!
391
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:08,339
How do you like that, slut?
392
00:29:08,914 --> 00:29:11,996
Let me down.
I can't put the rubber on from up here.
393
00:29:12,331 --> 00:29:15,096
I'm a pig! A filthy piece of shit!
394
00:29:15,482 --> 00:29:16,637
OK, forget it.
395
00:29:18,052 --> 00:29:20,220
You chase rubbers.
396
00:29:20,406 --> 00:29:22,969
I'm going to solve this my way:
In the office.
397
00:29:28,028 --> 00:29:31,005
Hey!
I just got a new delivery of rubbers.
398
00:29:31,182 --> 00:29:34,052
You want to check them?
- Shut up!
399
00:29:38,842 --> 00:29:39,606
Bye.
400
00:29:39,794 --> 00:29:42,126
I'm a lowdown little faggot!
401
00:29:42,707 --> 00:29:44,077
Say I'm a lowdown little faggot!
402
00:29:45,885 --> 00:29:49,825
- I'm a lowdown little faggot.
- Not you, me! I'm the lowdown little faggot!
403
00:29:49,987 --> 00:29:51,139
Say it!
404
00:29:51,955 --> 00:29:53,094
You're a lowdown...
405
00:29:53,259 --> 00:29:54,896
Now get on with it!
406
00:29:55,972 --> 00:29:58,320
I'm a pig! I'm a pile of shit!
407
00:29:59,007 --> 00:30:01,272
I'm a filthy pig!
408
00:30:03,121 --> 00:30:04,061
Take it off!
409
00:30:04,221 --> 00:30:07,270
- What?
- Take the rubber off your knob! Quickly!
410
00:30:07,437 --> 00:30:08,858
- Don't shoot.
- Shut up!
411
00:30:15,964 --> 00:30:17,866
Good, now drop it. C'mon!
412
00:30:30,861 --> 00:30:32,820
Shit.
Must've been a normal condom.
413
00:30:33,603 --> 00:30:35,666
Sorry to disturb you.
414
00:30:36,133 --> 00:30:37,526
Do carry on.
415
00:30:38,739 --> 00:30:41,142
And don't use that one.
There's a hole in it.
416
00:30:42,020 --> 00:30:45,740
Are you nuts?
Are you completely out of your mind?
417
00:30:45,900 --> 00:30:47,922
I'm doing my job!
- I'm a filthy pig...
418
00:30:48,082 --> 00:30:49,755
- A dirty pig.
- Shut up!
419
00:31:20,686 --> 00:31:21,835
Where is it?
420
00:31:32,591 --> 00:31:33,729
Out of the way!
421
00:31:45,951 --> 00:31:47,298
That's a cock!
422
00:31:55,168 --> 00:31:56,295
Congratulations!
423
00:31:56,621 --> 00:31:59,495
Great job!
I'm dead impressed with your work!
424
00:31:59,866 --> 00:32:02,705
Maybe they got the story
from Robinson or some whore.
425
00:32:03,114 --> 00:32:07,231
I know who tipped the press off:
A former policeman called Bob Miller.
426
00:32:07,495 --> 00:32:09,969
who works in that brothel
427
00:32:10,210 --> 00:32:13,490
as a bar slut and curbside hooker!
- I've seen it, sir.
428
00:32:13,748 --> 00:32:17,450
It's some kinda goddamn animal.
We should take the hotel apart.
429
00:32:17,773 --> 00:32:19,485
I didn't hear that!
430
00:32:19,904 --> 00:32:23,002
I think we've made
big enough fools of ourselves as it is
431
00:32:23,336 --> 00:32:25,581
Dick McGouvern's visiting us tomorrow.
432
00:32:25,765 --> 00:32:28,330
I don't want him to see a police force,
433
00:32:28,775 --> 00:32:31,410
that nobody takes seriously anymore
434
00:32:31,583 --> 00:32:34,048
because it's looking for a killer condom!
435
00:32:35,055 --> 00:32:38,130
Then give me permission
to investigate on my own, sir.
436
00:32:38,412 --> 00:32:40,005
No, Macaroni.
437
00:32:40,206 --> 00:32:43,164
Forget it!
You're to keep your hands off it!
438
00:32:43,644 --> 00:32:45,610
- I can't.
- What?
439
00:32:46,313 --> 00:32:49,240
I come from an ancient Sicilian family.
440
00:32:50,951 --> 00:32:54,344
Nobody bites off a Macaroni's jewels
and gets away with it.
441
00:32:54,737 --> 00:32:56,331
Nothing and nobody.
442
00:32:56,676 --> 00:32:58,391
I'm warning you, Macaroni:
443
00:32:58,562 --> 00:33:01,810
If you chase rubbers in that hotel
one more time
444
00:33:02,384 --> 00:33:04,329
I'm taking your badge away.
445
00:33:04,500 --> 00:33:05,480
Is that clear?
446
00:33:10,423 --> 00:33:12,884
If this costs me my promotion,
447
00:33:13,044 --> 00:33:15,518
you won't need a killer condom
to get castrated!
448
00:33:24,746 --> 00:33:26,062
What�s that?
449
00:33:31,902 --> 00:33:33,172
I'm talking to you.
450
00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,588
What does this mean?
451
00:33:38,515 --> 00:33:40,690
I've issued an arrest warrant.
452
00:33:41,012 --> 00:33:43,116
He chewed your plums.
453
00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:46,237
Who knows what he'll do
to his next client.
454
00:33:46,635 --> 00:33:49,209
Are you all deaf or something?
455
00:33:50,433 --> 00:33:52,130
Billy's clean!
456
00:33:52,612 --> 00:33:54,697
And you can let the hookers go too.
457
00:33:54,927 --> 00:33:57,946
That damn condom
is out there somewhere,
458
00:33:58,539 --> 00:34:02,482
and if someone doesn't do something
we'll have more pricks on our hands!
459
00:34:09,710 --> 00:34:10,810
OK, OK...
460
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:12,450
I'll...
461
00:34:13,450 --> 00:34:14,850
Fine...
462
00:34:15,410 --> 00:34:15,890
I'll...
463
00:34:23,435 --> 00:34:25,731
Maybe they were right.
464
00:34:25,973 --> 00:34:28,058
Maybe I do need a vacation.
465
00:34:30,082 --> 00:34:33,633
So what if this thing strikes again.
It's not my problem.
466
00:34:36,527 --> 00:34:39,068
And Billy? What do I want with a call-boy?
467
00:34:39,582 --> 00:34:42,515
A guy who bares his ass to anyone
for a few bucks?
468
00:34:48,953 --> 00:34:51,457
- What's going on here?
- Hello, detective.
469
00:34:51,811 --> 00:34:52,610
Well?
470
00:34:52,770 --> 00:34:55,147
- We're looking for the boy.
- But he isn't here.
471
00:34:55,769 --> 00:34:57,921
Seems to have left in a hurry.
472
00:34:58,262 --> 00:34:59,704
Did Sam Hanks order this search?
473
00:35:00,535 --> 00:35:01,362
Yeah.
474
00:35:01,561 --> 00:35:05,179
Sir, he said we should find that hustler...
The one that bit off...
475
00:35:05,467 --> 00:35:06,971
your ball.
476
00:35:08,173 --> 00:35:10,453
It's been sorted out, now clear off.
477
00:35:11,170 --> 00:35:14,090
- But we're not finished.
- Clear off! I'm dealing with it.
478
00:35:48,310 --> 00:35:52,214
Hi, Billy. It's Jack.
You know, from the newspaper ad.
479
00:35:52,604 --> 00:35:55,876
I just wanted to say you were great.
Give us a call.
480
00:35:56,230 --> 00:35:58,924
But not on the weekend
because of my wife. Bye!
481
00:36:00,791 --> 00:36:04,480
Hi, This is Robert. Can I see you again?
I really fancy your sweet ass.
482
00:36:05,672 --> 00:36:08,335
Hi, Billy, it's Carl.
How are you doing?
483
00:36:08,676 --> 00:36:11,198
Like to go for a coffee some time?
484
00:36:11,728 --> 00:36:16,008
I've thought about my sexual fantasies.
Can we meet?
485
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:20,114
I've bought myself an army uniform.
Give me a call. Bye!
486
00:36:23,717 --> 00:36:28,094
I felt like an idiot.
What the hell did I want with the boy?
487
00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:32,799
Instead of dreaming about romantic love
I should be out there solving the case.
488
00:36:34,818 --> 00:36:37,196
Sure,
New York can get damn cold sometimes.
489
00:36:37,532 --> 00:36:41,580
But I'm Sicilian.
I don't need this emotional crap.
490
00:36:42,789 --> 00:36:44,963
If I think about it,
I don't even need sex.
491
00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:57,278
I watch a porno video,
have a relaxed jerk-off and take a shower.
492
00:36:57,446 --> 00:36:59,924
What more do I need?
493
00:37:09,684 --> 00:37:11,358
That's all I need.
494
00:37:18,350 --> 00:37:20,089
Come out, Macaroni!
495
00:37:27,495 --> 00:37:29,882
Are you nuts?
What do you want?
496
00:37:30,085 --> 00:37:32,319
I want you to get out of the bath
and sleep with me.
497
00:37:33,237 --> 00:37:35,096
Are you out of your mind?
498
00:37:35,533 --> 00:37:36,754
Throw the goddamn knife away!
499
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:37,722
No!
500
00:37:38,035 --> 00:37:39,269
You want to kill me or something?
501
00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:42,234
- Throw the knife away!
- Shut up!
502
00:37:47,079 --> 00:37:47,894
OK, OK. Listen Bob...
503
00:37:48,676 --> 00:37:49,546
Babette!
504
00:37:49,836 --> 00:37:52,183
Listen, I don't know what your therapist said...
505
00:37:52,343 --> 00:37:54,373
Bullshit! I know what I want.
506
00:37:54,594 --> 00:37:55,993
I want you, and you want me.
507
00:37:56,310 --> 00:37:57,889
Do you really believe... ?
508
00:38:00,377 --> 00:38:01,794
What was that?
- Don't try it.
509
00:38:02,865 --> 00:38:04,650
You've brought the goddamn condom!
510
00:38:04,890 --> 00:38:06,603
Of course I've brought condoms.
511
00:38:07,372 --> 00:38:09,694
- Where did you get them?
- The hotel. They've got plenty.
512
00:38:10,837 --> 00:38:13,610
Babette,
you've brought the killer condom!
513
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:20,722
Now stay cool.
514
00:38:21,381 --> 00:38:25,192
Forget our affair.
Let's deal with this first.
515
00:38:28,068 --> 00:38:29,461
I don't believe you.
516
00:38:38,005 --> 00:38:39,334
Stay cool, Babette.
517
00:39:01,768 --> 00:39:04,144
Are you crazy?
That's real crocodile leather!
518
00:39:26,086 --> 00:39:26,909
Damn!
519
00:39:27,139 --> 00:39:29,319
- What was it?
- The killer condom.
520
00:39:29,542 --> 00:39:32,761
My God, it was after your prick!
And it was in my handbag!
521
00:39:32,945 --> 00:39:34,788
Shut up and help me.
522
00:39:37,606 --> 00:39:39,979
It was all so terrible...
Forgive me...
523
00:39:41,374 --> 00:39:42,966
I only wanted...
524
00:39:43,394 --> 00:39:45,063
Come here, you bastard.
525
00:40:29,808 --> 00:40:31,447
Are you there, Bob?
526
00:40:31,918 --> 00:40:33,403
The name's Babette.
527
00:40:33,617 --> 00:40:36,644
OK, Bob... Babette.
You've got to help me.
528
00:40:36,811 --> 00:40:39,517
- Give me that hose behind you.
- What hose?
529
00:40:40,085 --> 00:40:44,568
The hose behind the stove.
Connect it to the gas and give it to me.
530
00:40:48,558 --> 00:40:50,256
What are you waiting for?
531
00:40:52,506 --> 00:40:54,993
- I'm sorry.
- Forget it.
532
00:40:55,417 --> 00:40:56,397
Just help me.
533
00:40:59,574 --> 00:41:02,322
You know...
I thought about you all night and...
534
00:41:02,577 --> 00:41:04,176
That's touching,
535
00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:07,444
but if you don't hurry,
we'll never get this thing. Understand?!
536
00:41:07,604 --> 00:41:09,265
Don't shout at me!
537
00:41:16,395 --> 00:41:19,089
- You got it?
- Yes, I've got it.
538
00:41:19,565 --> 00:41:21,744
OK, get in position.
539
00:41:26,226 --> 00:41:27,160
Ready?
540
00:41:27,619 --> 00:41:28,476
Ready.
541
00:41:34,060 --> 00:41:34,964
Come on.
542
00:41:37,039 --> 00:41:38,891
Time for din-din.
543
00:41:44,490 --> 00:41:46,810
I'd get castration anxiety
if I were you.
544
00:41:47,710 --> 00:41:50,174
I'd penis envy if I were you.
545
00:41:56,584 --> 00:41:57,694
Come and get it.
546
00:41:58,509 --> 00:42:00,254
Nice penis...
547
00:42:00,927 --> 00:42:02,366
Yum, yum!
548
00:42:18,271 --> 00:42:19,083
Turn it on!
549
00:42:21,562 --> 00:42:22,409
Turn it on!
550
00:42:22,569 --> 00:42:23,798
OK! It's coming.
551
00:42:26,817 --> 00:42:27,930
Right, that's enough.
552
00:42:29,893 --> 00:42:32,018
How d'you like that, you bastard?
553
00:42:34,124 --> 00:42:35,329
I said that's enough, Bob.
554
00:42:35,533 --> 00:42:36,555
It won't go off!
555
00:42:36,770 --> 00:42:39,221
Turn the damn gas off, Bob!
556
00:42:43,810 --> 00:42:47,523
- Turn the gas off!
- You'll have to fix the faucet first.
557
00:42:47,683 --> 00:42:51,032
- Look at it, Bob !
- I can't help it...
558
00:42:55,180 --> 00:42:56,962
So what is it, Wilma?
559
00:42:57,339 --> 00:43:00,088
It's made of human epithelial cells
560
00:43:00,330 --> 00:43:02,903
underlaid with peritropic membranes.
561
00:43:03,164 --> 00:43:06,224
Although it looks like normal rubber,
562
00:43:07,210 --> 00:43:10,241
it's actually a complex organism
563
00:43:10,409 --> 00:43:13,348
with a subcutaneous layer of chitin.
564
00:43:16,435 --> 00:43:18,700
It has everything it needs:
565
00:43:19,386 --> 00:43:21,468
Microscopic nerves...
566
00:43:21,835 --> 00:43:25,192
a mass of brain tissue
spread evenly throughout the body...
567
00:43:27,126 --> 00:43:28,366
That's disgusting.
568
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:30,356
It's teeth...
569
00:43:30,770 --> 00:43:33,750
are sharp as razor blades,
but apparently flexible.
570
00:43:35,066 --> 00:43:38,235
So what does it mean?
Is it some kind of animal, or what?
571
00:43:38,691 --> 00:43:42,693
Hard to say. it isn't really an animal
because it doesn't eat the dicks.
572
00:43:42,887 --> 00:43:44,637
No guts.
573
00:43:45,235 --> 00:43:49,451
It gets the energy for forward motion
from its own body cells.
574
00:43:50,076 --> 00:43:51,454
It's artificial.
575
00:43:53,481 --> 00:43:56,251
Artificial?
You mean someone made that thing?
576
00:43:56,907 --> 00:43:58,236
Probably.
577
00:43:58,417 --> 00:44:01,943
I'd say it was a cross between
a giant worm, a jellyfish and a piranha.
578
00:44:02,832 --> 00:44:06,012
Geneticists make a new discovery
every few weeks.
579
00:44:06,310 --> 00:44:09,038
Only recently an ancient professor
580
00:44:09,198 --> 00:44:11,390
won the Columbus Prize for his work.
581
00:44:11,657 --> 00:44:14,606
All I can say is: Consult an expert.
582
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:19,421
I prefer conventional cases
like the guy behind you.
583
00:44:19,734 --> 00:44:24,166
His 400-pound girlfriend suffocated him
when she sat on his face.
584
00:44:25,248 --> 00:44:29,181
Was it sex or murder?
She's playing innocent.
585
00:44:29,685 --> 00:44:33,288
But luckily he got some pubic
hairs in his mouth.
586
00:44:33,448 --> 00:44:35,682
Thanks for your help, Wilma.
587
00:44:36,783 --> 00:44:39,941
Look at this! It's full of pubes!
588
00:44:40,978 --> 00:44:43,203
We should show it to the professor.
589
00:44:43,539 --> 00:44:46,590
Luigi, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
590
00:44:47,181 --> 00:44:49,565
That's OK. I wouldn't have either.
591
00:44:49,733 --> 00:44:53,551
- But I don't like how you treated Billy.
- The boy's a hustler!
592
00:44:53,751 --> 00:44:56,394
He steals and he does drugs.
593
00:44:56,555 --> 00:45:00,632
- A little grass... - Was he really
so good that you want to marry him?
594
00:45:00,875 --> 00:45:04,584
You can do a darn sight better
than sticking money up his ass.
595
00:45:04,954 --> 00:45:06,484
You're a real man!
596
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:09,087
Women adore you!
You should give it a try.
597
00:45:09,255 --> 00:45:12,494
Quit bugging me, Sam!
I'm not interested in women.
598
00:45:12,672 --> 00:45:15,342
I like firm male asses, not pissflaps.
599
00:45:15,509 --> 00:45:18,210
And let's get this clear:
I want to be tolerated!
600
00:45:18,669 --> 00:45:21,623
To be accepted and understood!
Got it?
601
00:45:22,500 --> 00:45:25,170
OK, OK...
602
00:45:25,298 --> 00:45:28,421
Serious?
You'll never say that shit again?
603
00:45:28,836 --> 00:45:32,295
I'll never mention it again. Promise.
604
00:45:33,170 --> 00:45:35,450
OK.
605
00:45:56,319 --> 00:46:01,028
I've lived in this town for 20 years.
I still don't know if it's right for me.
606
00:46:02,048 --> 00:46:04,192
Sure, I had to leave Sicily back then.
607
00:46:05,049 --> 00:46:08,323
If I'd stayed,
I'd be the Macaroni family butcher now
608
00:46:08,554 --> 00:46:11,707
spending all my days
turning donkeys into salami.
609
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:15,864
My only leisure activity
would be shooting birds with a shotgun.
610
00:46:18,733 --> 00:46:19,881
Mama!
611
00:46:20,557 --> 00:46:25,295
She really wants a Sicilian wedding.
Of course the bride must be a virgin.
612
00:46:27,067 --> 00:46:30,251
OK,
so I've got myself a career in New York.
613
00:46:30,670 --> 00:46:33,196
I've worked my way up to detective.
614
00:46:33,643 --> 00:46:37,722
Even so, Mama wouldn't be very happy
if she knew how I live my life.
615
00:46:47,889 --> 00:46:50,047
And me? Am I happy?
616
00:49:04,491 --> 00:49:05,700
America
617
00:49:06,404 --> 00:49:09,909
must regain its values,
618
00:49:11,251 --> 00:49:13,042
it's belief in God
619
00:49:13,768 --> 00:49:15,993
and it's morals.
620
00:49:22,833 --> 00:49:24,781
I want to take office
621
00:49:25,382 --> 00:49:28,321
to heal our society again.
622
00:49:29,229 --> 00:49:32,494
I want people to realize
623
00:49:32,815 --> 00:49:36,733
what a wonderful country
God has given us.
624
00:49:37,024 --> 00:49:40,973
In order to thank him for this
625
00:49:41,585 --> 00:49:46,134
we must make this country strong again.
626
00:49:52,690 --> 00:49:55,583
Each of us who has healthy hands
627
00:49:56,196 --> 00:49:58,647
is called upon to do his share.
628
00:50:00,250 --> 00:50:01,458
We've had enough!
629
00:50:01,784 --> 00:50:05,773
Enough of scandals, drugs and perversity!
630
00:50:06,227 --> 00:50:10,205
We stand for the politics of order
631
00:50:10,695 --> 00:50:13,083
and of peace.
632
00:50:13,963 --> 00:50:15,022
United!
633
00:50:15,373 --> 00:50:18,027
For a clean America!
634
00:50:36,315 --> 00:50:38,987
- What is this?
- Buy your own!
635
00:50:39,148 --> 00:50:42,690
I don't see why everyone here
should help themselves to my make-up.
636
00:50:42,850 --> 00:50:45,430
Look what you've done!
I'm on in a moment.
637
00:50:50,431 --> 00:50:51,753
Hi, Babette.
638
00:50:56,308 --> 00:50:58,221
I was just passing...
639
00:50:58,624 --> 00:50:59,862
So I thought I'd stop by...
640
00:51:00,245 --> 00:51:03,901
See how you were doing after that nightmare.
641
00:51:04,849 --> 00:51:08,293
We've both seen a lot as policemen...
I mean we've been through things...
642
00:51:08,645 --> 00:51:12,366
But that was something else!
643
00:51:14,973 --> 00:51:17,313
And I... I just wanted to thank you.
You were real cool.
644
00:51:17,473 --> 00:51:19,126
- Is that for me?
- Yes...
645
00:51:20,058 --> 00:51:23,420
Tamara, darling: Would you open it?
My nails aren't dry yet.
646
00:51:28,316 --> 00:51:30,084
You know what used to be here?
647
00:51:31,481 --> 00:51:33,164
- What?
- A church.
648
00:51:34,940 --> 00:51:38,690
- And what does that mean?
- Don't ask me. You're the cop!
649
00:51:39,793 --> 00:51:42,089
It's a travel iron.
650
00:51:49,805 --> 00:51:54,095
You have so many clothes now.
I thought that if you ever went on tour...
651
00:51:54,255 --> 00:51:55,024
Thanks.
652
00:51:55,583 --> 00:51:58,013
I hadn't expected
such a romantic present.
653
00:51:58,369 --> 00:52:00,989
- I can exchange it...
- No.
654
00:52:01,805 --> 00:52:04,866
It's really lovely.
655
00:52:05,632 --> 00:52:06,573
Honestly.
656
00:52:07,231 --> 00:52:10,360
Now my stuff won't get wrinkled.
Thanks a lot.
657
00:52:12,839 --> 00:52:15,961
I'll be off, then.
658
00:52:16,512 --> 00:52:19,559
Well I'm busy too. I'm on in a bit.
659
00:52:20,896 --> 00:52:22,794
- See you, Bob.
- Babette!
660
00:52:25,156 --> 00:52:26,161
Of course: Babette.
661
00:52:44,294 --> 00:52:45,643
Hey Luigi! Did you see?
662
00:52:45,804 --> 00:52:48,065
That boy that bit your ball off...
663
00:52:48,225 --> 00:52:51,210
- What room is he in?
- 302. Should I call him?
664
00:52:58,004 --> 00:52:59,570
Hi, Billy!
Are you guys still following me?
665
00:52:59,873 --> 00:53:02,690
I'm not following you.
I just want to talk.
666
00:53:03,255 --> 00:53:04,525
I'm busy.
667
00:53:05,336 --> 00:53:07,396
- Wait downstairs for me.
- Not now!
668
00:53:08,648 --> 00:53:10,087
OK. I'll be down at the bar.
669
00:53:48,047 --> 00:53:50,215
Hey, what are you playing at?
670
00:54:11,822 --> 00:54:13,360
Damn place is full of crazies!
671
00:54:41,370 --> 00:54:46,370
Now it's going up again! - Up, down...
- I wish they'd make up their minds.
672
00:55:05,011 --> 00:55:08,244
- Yes, here in the elevator!
- How do I know?
673
00:55:09,614 --> 00:55:13,337
It isn't coming down anymore!
I'm damned if I'm walking!
674
00:56:06,458 --> 00:56:08,597
What's going on?
675
00:56:08,850 --> 00:56:12,712
- Hey, Robinson! Your brothel's falling apart, man!
- Shut up!
676
00:56:48,630 --> 00:56:49,570
Well done.
677
00:56:51,450 --> 00:56:53,250
Yeah. Well done!
678
00:57:15,976 --> 00:57:19,743
It gets worse every night.
I hardly know where to put them all,
679
00:57:20,129 --> 00:57:21,374
but you can see that yourself.
680
00:57:21,542 --> 00:57:25,111
- Detective Macaroni?
- Bulowski. Frank Bulowski.
681
00:57:42,729 --> 00:57:47,251
I was tired. I couldn't work it out.
Couldn't put the pieces together.
682
00:57:48,202 --> 00:57:51,738
Every morning when I wake up,
it all seems like a bad nightmare.
683
00:57:52,341 --> 00:57:56,259
But then I reach for my groin
and face the absurd facts once more.
684
00:58:04,732 --> 00:58:08,840
I now realize just how lucky I am
that the condom only got my nut.
685
00:58:09,312 --> 00:58:11,639
I mean, what can a man do in New York
686
00:58:11,835 --> 00:58:14,365
if he's lonely and hasn't got a dick?
687
00:58:27,010 --> 00:58:29,289
When my baby's President,
688
00:58:30,111 --> 00:58:32,377
will he still have time for me?
689
00:58:35,304 --> 00:58:39,314
When your baby's President,
he'll take you on every state visit.
690
00:59:20,071 --> 00:59:21,694
What's that?
691
00:59:31,682 --> 00:59:33,165
Isn't it cute?
692
00:59:34,642 --> 00:59:36,523
Maybe it's one of those things
693
00:59:36,805 --> 00:59:39,146
we read about in the newspaper.
694
01:00:13,938 --> 01:00:15,821
Read all about it!
695
01:00:17,257 --> 01:00:19,492
Killer condom strikes again!
696
01:00:20,786 --> 01:00:22,439
This time it's McGouvern!
697
01:01:01,810 --> 01:01:03,080
Morning, Luigi.
698
01:01:03,562 --> 01:01:05,430
You look terrible.
699
01:01:05,659 --> 01:01:07,672
I've got a foul taste in my mouth.
700
01:01:08,333 --> 01:01:09,818
Here, smell this.
701
01:01:12,121 --> 01:01:15,257
- Anything new?
- I'm working on it. Give me 10 minutes.
702
01:01:15,950 --> 01:01:16,950
OK.
703
01:01:18,694 --> 01:01:20,232
- Hi, Sally.
- Luigi!
704
01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:23,195
- What brings you here?
- The captain asked me
705
01:01:23,358 --> 01:01:25,465
to come over and have a chat with our mutual friend.
706
01:01:25,687 --> 01:01:28,801
Isn't that right, Porky?
You love talking to me.
707
01:01:29,213 --> 01:01:30,242
I'm not saying anything.
708
01:01:33,001 --> 01:01:34,823
I don't rat on my friends.
709
01:01:49,823 --> 01:01:54,536
OK! OK! It was Jack Collin's idea,
but he wanted to work with Rich Bitch.
710
01:01:54,726 --> 01:01:56,986
So Bruce Winnegan shot Frank Collins.
711
01:01:57,168 --> 01:01:59,457
Killer Angel's also in on the deal.
712
01:01:59,621 --> 01:02:01,839
Only he's working for Larry King.
713
01:02:02,002 --> 01:02:04,587
They're packing the stuff in bags...
714
01:02:05,115 --> 01:02:07,197
Went quicker than I thought.
715
01:02:07,357 --> 01:02:09,933
I hear you're chasing contraceptives.
716
01:02:11,012 --> 01:02:14,034
Would you do me a favor before you go?
717
01:02:14,253 --> 01:02:16,663
- You know I don't touch condoms.
- I know.
718
01:02:17,317 --> 01:02:20,155
There used to be a church where
the Hotel Quickie now stands.
719
01:02:20,250 --> 01:02:21,050
- Really?
720
01:02:21,108 --> 01:02:25,100
- I need to know how long it was there,
who had it bulldozed and why.
721
01:02:25,340 --> 01:02:29,419
- And get me a photo of the church.
- Sure, his balls were pretty fat,
722
01:02:30,786 --> 01:02:33,138
but his weenie wasn't all that big.
723
01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:36,128
In fact, it was pretty small.
724
01:02:36,710 --> 01:02:41,050
He once confessed that was the reason
he was running for President!
725
01:02:41,231 --> 01:02:42,653
Isn't that funny?
726
01:02:49,741 --> 01:02:51,378
Good idea. Ciao!
727
01:02:51,917 --> 01:02:53,293
What is this?
728
01:02:54,181 --> 01:02:55,684
You mean you don't know?
729
01:02:56,401 --> 01:02:58,070
What don't I know?
730
01:02:58,567 --> 01:03:02,431
Fear of castration is growing
among the people of New York.
731
01:03:02,595 --> 01:03:07,248
In the past few days a number of cases
have been reported to the police.
732
01:03:07,496 --> 01:03:10,794
All the male victims
speak of contraceptives
733
01:03:10,961 --> 01:03:14,759
that turn out to be
unknown and dangerous creatures.
734
01:03:15,233 --> 01:03:19,749
Eye witnesses say
they initially look like condoms.
735
01:03:20,125 --> 01:03:22,797
They can be rolled on
like a condom.
736
01:03:22,959 --> 01:03:26,820
It's now come to light
that the police were not surprised
737
01:03:27,009 --> 01:03:30,077
by the recent attack in the hotel room
of Republican candidate McGouvern.
738
01:03:30,241 --> 01:03:32,660
McGouvern lost almost all his genitalia
739
01:03:32,823 --> 01:03:37,006
under unknown circumstances.
740
01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:40,847
You knew about it?
You knew about this killer condom?
741
01:03:41,104 --> 01:03:43,137
Well, not exactly...
742
01:03:43,324 --> 01:03:45,502
We've had a few cases like this...
743
01:03:45,976 --> 01:03:49,039
But they involved queers and hookers...
744
01:03:50,337 --> 01:03:52,345
I never thought...
745
01:03:52,540 --> 01:03:53,729
I mean...
746
01:03:54,460 --> 01:03:58,230
- It won't affect his campaign, will it?
- Campaign? What campaign?
747
01:03:58,511 --> 01:03:59,516
Do you think
748
01:03:59,677 --> 01:04:03,012
that the people will elect
a man without reproductive organs
749
01:04:03,192 --> 01:04:05,385
as the President of the United States?
750
01:04:08,581 --> 01:04:11,878
What have you found out
about these little monsters
751
01:04:12,066 --> 01:04:14,148
that apparently look like condoms?
752
01:04:15,398 --> 01:04:16,580
Well...
753
01:04:17,183 --> 01:04:20,298
They're made of a sort of rubber...
754
01:04:20,651 --> 01:04:23,063
But of course it isn't really rubber...
755
01:04:23,508 --> 01:04:24,703
And they...
756
01:04:24,985 --> 01:04:29,252
They've got a very thin skin...
And they're...
757
01:04:29,499 --> 01:04:30,367
Lubricated?
758
01:04:35,607 --> 01:04:37,617
And banana-flavored!
759
01:04:43,210 --> 01:04:47,032
What's the police doing at the moment
to tackle these killer condoms?
760
01:04:50,220 --> 01:04:51,914
Professor Boris Smirnoff
761
01:04:52,076 --> 01:04:54,690
was born in 1923 in Vaclavitiv, Russia.
762
01:04:55,181 --> 01:04:58,649
He immigrated to the US in 1943
and studied natural sciences here.
763
01:04:59,079 --> 01:05:00,410
In 1956,
764
01:05:00,650 --> 01:05:04,116
he was awarded an honorary doctorate
for his work in biochemistry.
765
01:05:04,311 --> 01:05:06,462
3 years later he became the head
766
01:05:06,631 --> 01:05:07,922
of a rubber and plastics lab.
767
01:05:08,085 --> 01:05:10,964
In '62 he won the Science Academy
Award for developing
768
01:05:11,224 --> 01:05:13,630
a special rubber solution
769
01:05:13,970 --> 01:05:18,175
used mainly to produce false limbs
but also for contraceptive sheaths.
770
01:05:19,141 --> 01:05:21,682
For several years,
he's been concentrating on genetics.
771
01:05:22,345 --> 01:05:24,939
His family doesn't know where he is.
772
01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:29,850
Publishers wait in vain for his papers.
He's failed to turn up at lectures.
773
01:05:30,867 --> 01:05:33,473
He's sent postcards
from the Bahamas.
774
01:05:33,636 --> 01:05:36,776
But they just say that the weather's nice
and he's feeling good.
775
01:05:37,028 --> 01:05:40,081
His daughter says
he always hated nice weather
776
01:05:40,708 --> 01:05:42,486
and only felt good when he was working.
777
01:05:43,976 --> 01:05:45,533
Look at that.
778
01:05:46,960 --> 01:05:49,926
- So?
- Look at the guy behind him.
779
01:05:50,770 --> 01:05:52,435
- Who is he?
- Exactly.
780
01:05:52,930 --> 01:05:55,238
Nobody knows,
but he's always behind Smirnoff.
781
01:05:56,101 --> 01:05:58,105
- Bodyguard?
- Negative.
782
01:05:58,428 --> 01:06:01,436
Smirnoff's daughter
thought he was the cook.
783
01:06:01,734 --> 01:06:04,250
The party guests
thought he was a colleague.
784
01:06:05,982 --> 01:06:07,931
But nobody knows this man.
785
01:06:10,987 --> 01:06:12,595
What is this?
786
01:06:12,850 --> 01:06:15,842
- There's this professor who may have been kidnapped...
- Really?
787
01:06:16,492 --> 01:06:18,250
And you play Cluedo?
788
01:06:19,899 --> 01:06:22,970
A presidential candidate
got his dong bitten off
789
01:06:23,148 --> 01:06:25,130
and you're watching videos!
790
01:06:25,705 --> 01:06:27,123
- Sir...
791
01:06:27,290 --> 01:06:29,518
- We had a total of 18 cases last night.
792
01:06:29,859 --> 01:06:32,570
Some in brothels,
but most on the gay scene.
793
01:06:33,006 --> 01:06:36,730
that means
the knob-eaters are multiplying.
794
01:06:36,970 --> 01:06:40,689
Before they get someone
on the Upper East Side
795
01:06:41,015 --> 01:06:43,747
I want you to get to grips with it!
- That's what we're doing.
796
01:06:44,371 --> 01:06:47,650
Starting tonight
I want a plant on the gay scene
797
01:06:47,891 --> 01:06:50,851
checking out what's going on.
That's your job, Macaroni.
798
01:06:51,038 --> 01:06:53,691
- That's not a good idea.
- Really?
799
01:06:54,172 --> 01:06:57,157
And why not?
You know your way around.
800
01:06:57,572 --> 01:07:01,486
That's the problem: I'm well known.
Everyone knows I'm a cop.
801
01:07:02,114 --> 01:07:03,180
Then you do it, Sam.
- What?
802
01:07:06,388 --> 01:07:09,847
You get dressed up like a homosexual
and check the scene out.
803
01:07:10,325 --> 01:07:12,382
Or are you well known too?
804
01:07:12,553 --> 01:07:14,104
- No, sir...
- Good!
805
01:07:14,411 --> 01:07:17,594
I don't want to see
any more hookers or drug addicts.
806
01:07:17,771 --> 01:07:20,370
I want reliable witnesses.
Is that clear?
807
01:07:22,330 --> 01:07:24,556
Macaroni, get him dressed up.
808
01:07:26,510 --> 01:07:30,024
- The boys will love you.
- I don't want anyone loving me.
809
01:07:30,211 --> 01:07:31,889
This is ridiculous!
810
01:07:32,155 --> 01:07:35,222
You want me to walk around
dressed like this and ask:
811
01:07:35,426 --> 01:07:39,354
"Excuse me, have you seen a rubber
that bares it's teeth from time to time?"
812
01:07:39,731 --> 01:07:42,695
Be careful who you have sex with
813
01:07:43,084 --> 01:07:45,393
and always check the condom first.
814
01:07:45,555 --> 01:07:48,162
- What?
- It happens faster than you think.
815
01:07:50,197 --> 01:07:52,918
Won't they ask me if I want to?
816
01:07:53,093 --> 01:07:56,613
If one of them wants you,
you haven't got a chance.
817
01:07:57,257 --> 01:07:59,816
Haven't got a chance? What do you mean?
818
01:08:00,518 --> 01:08:03,583
Gay men are still real men.
They know what they want, Sam.
819
01:08:06,323 --> 01:08:08,791
Here, take this hanky.
820
01:08:10,615 --> 01:08:12,729
Leave it hanging
out of your right back pocket.
821
01:08:14,676 --> 01:08:17,205
What? Why should I?
822
01:08:17,619 --> 01:08:18,876
It's code.
823
01:08:19,259 --> 01:08:23,863
It means, "I don't want sex tonight,
so leave me alone."
824
01:08:25,116 --> 01:08:26,465
And that works?
825
01:08:27,558 --> 01:08:29,841
It's the only thing that works, Sam.
826
01:09:05,830 --> 01:09:07,370
Holger, darling!
827
01:09:39,850 --> 01:09:42,097
I'm a pig...
828
01:10:05,822 --> 01:10:08,444
Sometimes this city is like a cancer
829
01:10:08,604 --> 01:10:12,270
that grows and grows,
ever nearer to its own destruction.
830
01:10:12,887 --> 01:10:17,540
Maybe I'll always be a stranger here
because I spent my childhood in Sicily
831
01:10:18,077 --> 01:10:19,813
right by the sea
832
01:10:20,166 --> 01:10:23,745
with my loving Mama
singing sad songs by the fire...
833
01:10:25,798 --> 01:10:28,771
Where are you, you Sicilian faggot!
834
01:10:39,552 --> 01:10:42,371
Yellow hanky
in the right pocket, eh?
835
01:10:42,624 --> 01:10:46,580
That perverse gorilla pissed up my leg
because he thought that's what I like!
836
01:10:46,848 --> 01:10:49,423
I'm married! I have a kid!
837
01:10:49,634 --> 01:10:52,011
I'm not used to that shit!
838
01:10:52,770 --> 01:10:55,480
Stop laughing, damn you!
It isn't funny!
839
01:10:56,320 --> 01:10:58,098
Calm down, Sam!
840
01:10:58,448 --> 01:11:00,495
I'm sorry.
841
01:11:00,687 --> 01:11:05,348
It was a joke. How was I to know
it would really happen?
842
01:11:06,677 --> 01:11:09,343
Thank God I didn't give you a red hanky.
843
01:11:09,602 --> 01:11:11,818
- A red hanky? What does that mean?
844
01:11:12,373 --> 01:11:13,859
- Fist fucking.
845
01:11:14,549 --> 01:11:16,970
Let's get a coffee.
- I don't want any!
846
01:11:17,621 --> 01:11:19,590
You can solve this case by yourself.
847
01:11:19,866 --> 01:11:21,414
This scene is too...
848
01:11:21,834 --> 01:11:23,227
Damn, I want out!
849
01:11:24,936 --> 01:11:26,584
You can't leave me now!
850
01:11:27,111 --> 01:11:31,169
And whatever you think of those boys,
they only want to have fun.
851
01:11:31,336 --> 01:11:33,468
Now they're being attacked by rubbers
852
01:11:33,628 --> 01:11:35,078
and we have to stop it!
853
01:11:39,019 --> 01:11:40,873
I need you, damn it!
854
01:11:47,942 --> 01:11:49,950
OK, but no more yellow hankies.
855
01:11:50,961 --> 01:11:52,540
- No more yellow hankies, OK.
856
01:11:53,024 --> 01:11:56,104
And no red ones either.
No hankies at all!
857
01:11:56,824 --> 01:11:58,311
OK, no hankies at all.
858
01:12:11,058 --> 01:12:12,836
What are you all staring at?
859
01:12:13,041 --> 01:12:15,413
Never heard of male bonding?
860
01:12:29,941 --> 01:12:32,782
Nobody pisses up my leg. Nobody!
861
01:12:33,903 --> 01:12:34,991
I know.
862
01:12:56,752 --> 01:12:59,633
What's wrong with her?
- Can anyone translate this?
863
01:13:03,795 --> 01:13:05,327
Something about a condom.
864
01:13:07,242 --> 01:13:08,831
Where? Where? Where?
865
01:13:09,771 --> 01:13:11,655
Where condom, Senora?
866
01:13:12,013 --> 01:13:14,174
Listen to me! Where condom?
867
01:13:17,810 --> 01:13:18,705
Hospital?
868
01:13:19,813 --> 01:13:21,652
Condom in hospital?
869
01:13:22,940 --> 01:13:25,923
Show me where it is, Senora.
Come on, get up!
870
01:13:28,233 --> 01:13:29,879
I'm going over there.
- But why?
871
01:13:30,041 --> 01:13:31,663
- I've got a strange feeling.
872
01:13:36,575 --> 01:13:39,857
Can't anyone here
translate what this woman is saying!?
873
01:13:42,370 --> 01:13:43,826
What's she saying?
874
01:14:10,543 --> 01:14:12,045
Detective Macaroni.
875
01:14:14,536 --> 01:14:17,233
Even dedicated policemen
have to sleep now and again.
876
01:14:17,393 --> 01:14:20,162
It isn't good for their health
if they don't.
877
01:14:27,257 --> 01:14:28,435
Is Cop here?
878
01:14:30,648 --> 01:14:32,448
- Who?
- You know who I mean.
879
01:14:33,150 --> 01:14:37,841
Detective Macaroni just left.
And he won't be back for some time.
880
01:14:38,335 --> 01:14:39,277
Where did he go?
881
01:14:45,121 --> 01:14:48,795
Listen, boy.
Your cop's already got his hands full
882
01:14:49,040 --> 01:14:51,685
without you waving your ass
in front of his nose.
883
01:14:58,264 --> 01:15:00,195
What is it? What about this man?
884
01:15:01,498 --> 01:15:03,115
What about the man?
885
01:15:03,442 --> 01:15:05,526
Doesn't anyone here understand her?
886
01:15:05,689 --> 01:15:08,686
She says she saw the Asian man
in the hospital chapel.
887
01:15:08,956 --> 01:15:11,458
He had one of the condoms with him.
888
01:15:11,945 --> 01:15:13,590
Right, come with me.
889
01:15:13,858 --> 01:15:15,635
O'Brian! We're going to the hospital.
890
01:15:16,365 --> 01:15:17,487
Come on!
891
01:15:17,852 --> 01:15:20,119
And you're coming to translate.
892
01:15:21,427 --> 01:15:24,770
Ellie, make us two coffees, please.
Take a seat.
893
01:15:26,385 --> 01:15:29,766
Sorry to disturb you at this hour,
894
01:15:30,140 --> 01:15:31,350
but that woman
895
01:15:31,822 --> 01:15:35,353
whose nose was bitten off
by a condom...
896
01:15:36,332 --> 01:15:37,221
Yes?
897
01:15:38,370 --> 01:15:40,777
She turned up at my precinct office
this evening.
898
01:15:41,554 --> 01:15:44,612
She was very upset,
so I thought I'd come by.
899
01:15:44,772 --> 01:15:46,411
What did she say?
900
01:15:47,544 --> 01:15:50,850
I'm not really sure.
I think she saw a condom.
901
01:15:53,283 --> 01:15:54,034
Here?
902
01:15:54,300 --> 01:15:56,798
In the chapel, if I'm not mistaken.
903
01:16:00,446 --> 01:16:03,659
Detective, every night this woman dreams
about condoms jumping in her face.
904
01:16:03,819 --> 01:16:07,696
She desperately needs her
medication and tranquilizers.
905
01:16:07,890 --> 01:16:08,908
Where is she?
906
01:16:13,343 --> 01:16:16,730
Does an Asian man, a Chinese man,
work here?
907
01:16:18,325 --> 01:16:20,566
Not that I know of. Why?
908
01:16:22,623 --> 01:16:24,055
Nothing special.
909
01:16:24,533 --> 01:16:27,010
I just thought I saw a Chinese person.
910
01:16:29,100 --> 01:16:32,242
There are over a billion Chinese
living on this planet, Detective.
911
01:16:33,020 --> 01:16:35,639
You may well have seen one of them.
912
01:16:40,626 --> 01:16:43,198
She says we should go to the chapel.
913
01:16:43,383 --> 01:16:45,724
How can you understand her?
914
01:16:55,213 --> 01:16:57,370
Are you married?
915
01:16:58,070 --> 01:16:59,626
Me? No.
916
01:17:07,256 --> 01:17:09,594
Maybe you should consider
getting yourself a wife.
917
01:17:10,512 --> 01:17:14,344
It is very important for a man like you
to have someone who cares for him
918
01:17:14,793 --> 01:17:17,470
when he comes home at night.
919
01:17:19,165 --> 01:17:20,628
I prefer to live alone.
920
01:17:22,510 --> 01:17:26,005
But the good Lord
created two types of being
921
01:17:26,165 --> 01:17:30,125
that they may find one another
and share their lives.
922
01:17:30,834 --> 01:17:32,236
That may well be.
923
01:17:35,876 --> 01:17:37,847
I have to go.
924
01:17:38,276 --> 01:17:39,960
You're very lonely, aren't you?
925
01:17:41,252 --> 01:17:43,146
Good night, Dr Riffleson.
926
01:17:43,332 --> 01:17:46,521
I'll accompany you out.
I have to go that way anyhow.
927
01:17:55,120 --> 01:17:56,861
I'll send the woman back to you.
928
01:17:58,889 --> 01:18:02,771
But don't let her escape again.
- Don't worry, it won't happen again.
929
01:18:29,510 --> 01:18:31,282
What was that?
- What?
930
01:18:31,598 --> 01:18:34,941
- I heard a shot.
- A shot? I didn't hear anything.
931
01:18:45,914 --> 01:18:49,688
- What's that screaming?
- Probably the woman on the first floor.
932
01:18:50,366 --> 01:18:52,556
Whenever the pain is too much...
933
01:20:38,794 --> 01:20:40,550
Professor Smirnoff?
934
01:20:43,200 --> 01:20:45,048
You've arrived at last!
935
01:20:45,597 --> 01:20:48,247
Have you brought me my red jelly?
936
01:20:48,817 --> 01:20:51,420
Red what?
- Red jelly.
937
01:20:51,910 --> 01:20:54,375
Don't pretend you don't understand.
938
01:20:56,254 --> 01:20:59,080
You're a policeman, aren't you?
939
01:20:59,521 --> 01:21:02,417
Promise me you won't harm her.
940
01:21:02,742 --> 01:21:06,624
I need my red jelly.
I can't live without my red jelly.
941
01:21:07,178 --> 01:21:09,017
Who shouldn't I harm?
942
01:21:09,316 --> 01:21:12,611
Want to know what I do here?
943
01:21:13,484 --> 01:21:14,624
I'm all ears.
944
01:21:16,003 --> 01:21:17,960
I'm Professor Smirnoff!
945
01:21:18,291 --> 01:21:19,194
I know.
946
01:21:19,702 --> 01:21:22,042
Tell me, who's keeping you here?
947
01:21:22,856 --> 01:21:24,705
I created all of this!
948
01:21:24,890 --> 01:21:26,954
Look:
949
01:21:27,331 --> 01:21:29,935
This trusting little creature.
950
01:21:30,202 --> 01:21:32,292
Bon voyage, Boris!
951
01:21:34,609 --> 01:21:36,650
Want to know how
952
01:21:36,896 --> 01:21:39,240
- I created it all?
- Yes, Professor.
953
01:21:39,782 --> 01:21:44,823
I simply crossed larvae of the species
Psammechinus Miliaris, Cetalia Simplex
954
01:21:44,983 --> 01:21:48,253
and an extremely halophilic
Ikosaeder virus.
955
01:21:49,170 --> 01:21:51,665
When their pronuclei fuse,
956
01:21:51,826 --> 01:21:54,989
the strongly acidic phospho-ribosilic
957
01:21:55,151 --> 01:21:58,454
formimino-amido-imidazol carboxamide
958
01:21:58,732 --> 01:22:01,204
phospho-ribosilic isomerase...
959
01:22:15,370 --> 01:22:19,543
...and centripedal laticin filaments,
thus producing artificial beings
960
01:22:19,710 --> 01:22:22,849
capable of independent,
deliberate movement
961
01:22:23,090 --> 01:22:24,774
and, just like human beings,
962
01:22:24,934 --> 01:22:28,668
enjoy taking in food
such as red jelly.
963
01:22:29,185 --> 01:22:33,210
By biting off the genitals of
innocent men. Why, Professor?
964
01:22:34,384 --> 01:22:36,510
They give me red jelly for it.
965
01:22:38,678 --> 01:22:40,943
Who does?
Who gives you red jelly, Professor?
966
01:22:41,927 --> 01:22:44,592
I give the professor red jelly!
967
01:22:44,838 --> 01:22:46,699
Any other questions, Detective?
968
01:22:46,875 --> 01:22:50,547
- Dr Riffleson!
- Precisely. Now give me your gun.
969
01:22:51,886 --> 01:22:55,760
If you don't give me your gun
he'll blow your sick little brain out!
970
01:22:57,612 --> 01:22:58,674
Search him!
971
01:23:08,716 --> 01:23:10,008
The game's over!
972
01:23:10,250 --> 01:23:12,489
The police have come to rescue me!
973
01:23:12,916 --> 01:23:17,018
- Shut up and get on with your work!
- No, I won't carry on!
974
01:23:17,455 --> 01:23:18,724
They'll rescue me
975
01:23:18,931 --> 01:23:20,848
and then I, Professor Smirnoff...
976
01:23:21,090 --> 01:23:24,611
back to work,
or there'll be no red jelly!
977
01:23:40,773 --> 01:23:43,731
Over there. And no funny business.
978
01:23:44,326 --> 01:23:45,404
Go! Go! Go!
979
01:23:48,856 --> 01:23:52,165
I'm very pleased
you've come to visit us, Detective.
980
01:23:54,023 --> 01:23:58,077
- May I ask what this is all about?
- I'm preparing for His arrival!
981
01:23:59,406 --> 01:24:02,850
- Whose arrival?
- The arrival and return of the Lord!
982
01:24:05,029 --> 01:24:07,529
- I don't understand.
- How could you?
983
01:24:07,773 --> 01:24:10,005
The Lord doesn't speak to the fallen.
984
01:24:10,420 --> 01:24:12,156
He will arrive on December 31st 1999
985
01:24:12,319 --> 01:24:16,310
together with His earthly counterpart
986
01:24:17,130 --> 01:24:19,326
on the 11:30 flight
from Rome to New York.
987
01:24:20,215 --> 01:24:23,041
He's coming to pass judgement on
988
01:24:23,206 --> 01:24:25,943
the greatest, most sinful Babel in the world!
989
01:24:26,112 --> 01:24:28,090
This city is Sodom and Gomorrah!
990
01:24:28,490 --> 01:24:33,052
I have the sacred duty and divine honor
of preparing the way for Him
991
01:24:33,273 --> 01:24:36,822
by judging and punishing
the most reprehensible of all sinners
992
01:24:36,993 --> 01:24:40,258
in advance of His coming!
993
01:24:41,090 --> 01:24:43,702
- Well...
- Don't deny it, Detective!
994
01:24:43,862 --> 01:24:46,809
I know everything
about your unnatural activities!
995
01:24:46,969 --> 01:24:48,525
The Bible says:
996
01:24:48,898 --> 01:24:51,293
"Man shall not lie with another man. "
997
01:24:51,459 --> 01:24:55,046
But you know that, don't you?
It also says: "Be fruitful and multiply."
998
01:24:55,206 --> 01:24:57,670
Not: "Give in to lust. "
999
01:24:57,830 --> 01:25:02,044
There's nothing in the Holy Scriptures
about condoms or contraception.
1000
01:25:02,228 --> 01:25:04,792
Nothing about useless ejaculations
1001
01:25:04,989 --> 01:25:09,977
or those disgusting orgies you engage in
with your perverse friends.
1002
01:25:15,912 --> 01:25:18,268
Go on, Detective. Go on, have a look.
1003
01:25:35,249 --> 01:25:37,890
A nice little group, don't you think?
1004
01:25:38,983 --> 01:25:42,605
Brothel owners, pimps,
men who wear women's clothes,
1005
01:25:42,765 --> 01:25:44,685
policemen who let evil men go free,
1006
01:25:44,856 --> 01:25:48,769
and tourists who stick their noses
into other people's business...
1007
01:25:49,191 --> 01:25:51,626
I shall conquer evil!
1008
01:25:52,048 --> 01:25:53,555
I will not rest
1009
01:25:53,715 --> 01:25:57,499
until every last sinner out there has been judged!
1010
01:25:57,960 --> 01:25:59,343
So that was it.
1011
01:25:59,690 --> 01:26:04,482
A neurotic, man-hating religious fanatic
had transformed a brilliant scientist
1012
01:26:05,362 --> 01:26:07,673
into an instrument of her deranged plan.
1013
01:26:08,819 --> 01:26:10,537
Smirnoff's new method
1014
01:26:10,789 --> 01:26:15,003
for binding silicon latex
with centripedal lacitin filaments
1015
01:26:15,168 --> 01:26:16,912
is a sign from God
1016
01:26:17,201 --> 01:26:21,242
that we must put an end
to all these perverse sinners!
1017
01:26:27,309 --> 01:26:29,034
Come here, Detective.
1018
01:26:29,665 --> 01:26:31,259
Come! Come! Come!
1019
01:26:33,469 --> 01:26:37,926
You're so fond of boasting
that you need extra-large condoms.
1020
01:26:52,970 --> 01:26:54,464
Detective Macaroni:
1021
01:26:54,959 --> 01:26:57,131
this model's especially for you.
1022
01:26:57,648 --> 01:27:01,784
- It's nice of you to think of me.
- I've waited for this moment for weeks!
1023
01:27:02,019 --> 01:27:05,726
Now pull out your sinful Babel penis!
1024
01:27:07,352 --> 01:27:08,985
You're insane!
1025
01:27:10,728 --> 01:27:11,744
Move it.
1026
01:27:12,746 --> 01:27:15,380
Get it out.
1027
01:28:03,984 --> 01:28:07,494
- Come on Detective: It's feeding time.
- Listen, Dr Riffleson.
1028
01:28:07,746 --> 01:28:10,518
I'm sure the creator wouldn't approve.
1029
01:28:10,749 --> 01:28:13,898
After all,
He gave me this lovely big penis...
1030
01:28:14,058 --> 01:28:18,566
To be fruitful! To marry a woman
and bring children into the world!
1031
01:28:18,940 --> 01:28:22,507
But what do you do?
You stick it in young men's behinds!
1032
01:28:22,667 --> 01:28:25,646
No, Detective.
That's not what the Lord intended
1033
01:28:25,848 --> 01:28:28,031
when he gave you this penis.
1034
01:28:29,970 --> 01:28:32,512
Now pull it out!
1035
01:29:33,938 --> 01:29:35,096
I'm free!
1036
01:29:35,605 --> 01:29:38,208
Professor Smirnoff is free!
1037
01:30:17,505 --> 01:30:20,474
- Red jelly!
- What do you want, Professor?
1038
01:30:21,126 --> 01:30:24,877
Everyone dies unless I get red jelly!
1039
01:30:25,083 --> 01:30:29,643
- Not now, Professor!
- I can't go on without red jelly!
1040
01:30:33,170 --> 01:30:34,526
You stupid old man!
1041
01:31:31,350 --> 01:31:35,009
- I guess you saved my pecker.
- I love you, Cop.
1042
01:31:37,177 --> 01:31:38,162
Here...
1043
01:31:40,456 --> 01:31:41,865
Use this to bandage your hand.
1044
01:31:42,035 --> 01:31:43,601
Excuse me, you love-birds!
1045
01:31:43,761 --> 01:31:46,010
- Get me down!
- Please, Macaroni!
1046
01:31:46,330 --> 01:31:48,184
Get us down from here!
1047
01:31:59,583 --> 01:32:00,901
Watch out, Luigi!
1048
01:32:03,985 --> 01:32:06,287
Macaroni, do you have a moment to spare?
1049
01:32:07,347 --> 01:32:09,389
The game's over, Riffleson.
1050
01:32:09,731 --> 01:32:13,582
How wrong you are! God is on my side!
Come! Come! Come!
1051
01:32:15,825 --> 01:32:18,947
What do you hope to achieve?
Let the boy go.
1052
01:32:19,501 --> 01:32:21,529
The Lord's will must be obeyed!
1053
01:32:21,736 --> 01:32:26,038
And the Lord wants you
to jump into the condoms!
1054
01:32:28,014 --> 01:32:29,350
Anybody there?
1055
01:32:32,189 --> 01:32:33,196
Jump!
1056
01:32:42,300 --> 01:32:43,210
No.
1057
01:32:43,992 --> 01:32:45,280
I won't jump.
1058
01:32:47,212 --> 01:32:48,757
Look around you.
1059
01:32:49,446 --> 01:32:51,056
This is your work.
1060
01:32:51,782 --> 01:32:54,042
Do you really think that
God will forgive you?
1061
01:32:54,307 --> 01:32:58,610
You've created a hell full of creatures
that could never be the work of God.
1062
01:32:59,887 --> 01:33:01,801
You talk about sin and depravity,
1063
01:33:01,961 --> 01:33:03,463
and you may be right...
1064
01:33:03,878 --> 01:33:06,701
But look at the boy
you're pointing a gun at.
1065
01:33:07,090 --> 01:33:10,148
He's young
and deserves the right to live.
1066
01:33:11,342 --> 01:33:13,972
There aren't any condoms in heaven,
Dr Riffleson.
1067
01:33:14,516 --> 01:33:16,288
Nor any that bite.
1068
01:33:16,963 --> 01:33:20,006
You speak of a God
who will judge all of mankind.
1069
01:33:20,421 --> 01:33:23,041
I say God will protect all lovers.
1070
01:33:23,257 --> 01:33:26,321
He doesn't care of its two men
or a man and a woman.
1071
01:33:26,632 --> 01:33:30,538
He doesn't care if a man
dresses like a woman and sings in a bar.
1072
01:33:30,999 --> 01:33:32,610
It's quite possible
1073
01:33:32,850 --> 01:33:35,803
that these people haven't
always done the right thing,
1074
01:33:36,106 --> 01:33:38,553
but we're all human beings.
1075
01:33:39,043 --> 01:33:42,184
We're all responsible
for the way we live our lives.
1076
01:33:42,549 --> 01:33:45,153
If God does ever pass judgment over us,
1077
01:33:45,413 --> 01:33:48,652
He won't need anyone to do it for Him.
1078
01:33:49,031 --> 01:33:52,330
Each and every one of us here,
whether homosexual or heterosexual,
1079
01:33:52,783 --> 01:33:56,002
whether transvestite
or atheist professor,
1080
01:33:56,382 --> 01:34:00,488
brothel owner or policeman,
Serb, Croat or Chinese...
1081
01:34:00,891 --> 01:34:03,526
I don't know where the words came from.
1082
01:34:03,901 --> 01:34:07,587
I was giving a sermon and realising
my words were having an effect...
1083
01:34:08,328 --> 01:34:11,394
May he who is free of sin
cast the first stone!
1084
01:34:11,576 --> 01:34:15,655
Only the strange light bothered me.
1085
01:34:16,689 --> 01:34:19,549
That and the angels singing around me.
1086
01:34:22,200 --> 01:34:23,580
It's all so...
1087
01:34:24,398 --> 01:34:25,486
dirty!
1088
01:34:30,161 --> 01:34:33,486
You're all... so... dirty!
1089
01:34:37,241 --> 01:34:38,734
It's all over, Doctor.
1090
01:34:39,889 --> 01:34:41,211
You're all alone.
1091
01:36:02,689 --> 01:36:03,959
you know, Loogi...
1092
01:36:06,297 --> 01:36:09,481
I'm fed up playing your mother.
The job's much too tiring.
1093
01:36:11,574 --> 01:36:15,401
- You kept your cool, Babette.
- I was a cop once. I know the score.
1094
01:36:16,549 --> 01:36:19,275
What will you do now?
- Dunno.
1095
01:36:19,435 --> 01:36:24,497
My bra is killing me, my wig itches
and my balls are still tight as a fist.
1096
01:36:32,088 --> 01:36:33,421
You were great!
1097
01:36:33,674 --> 01:36:37,875
- Just like old times!
- Except you weren't so pretty then.
1098
01:36:38,133 --> 01:36:41,480
I think you've earned yourself a break,
Macaroni.
1099
01:36:42,650 --> 01:36:46,085
I don't want to see you at work
for at least 4 weeks.
1100
01:36:48,440 --> 01:36:50,517
I won't be back at all, sir.
1101
01:36:51,810 --> 01:36:56,234
I've had enough of this job.
- but you're the best man I've got.
1102
01:36:56,693 --> 01:36:58,717
You just have to know when to stop.
1103
01:36:58,970 --> 01:37:02,944
Has anyone told you how sexy you look
hanging over a condom-filled pool?
1104
01:37:03,104 --> 01:37:06,929
- Don't give me that, Bob.
- Sorry, I forgot you're homophobic.
1105
01:37:07,127 --> 01:37:09,150
- Homo what?
- Homophobic!
1106
01:37:09,573 --> 01:37:13,683
After Luigi's sermon on the Mount,
nobody can have anything against gays.
1107
01:37:15,116 --> 01:37:18,897
We should all be happy to have something
between our legs, whatever we do.
1108
01:37:19,611 --> 01:37:22,145
Take a few days off
and we'll talk about it then.
1109
01:37:22,562 --> 01:37:23,520
Look out, sir!
1110
01:37:28,427 --> 01:37:31,430
You're a cop through and through!
1111
01:37:32,462 --> 01:37:33,737
You'll be back.
1112
01:37:34,219 --> 01:37:35,440
Who knows, sir?
1113
01:37:40,938 --> 01:37:44,738
Either way, I'm outta here.
I could use a relaxing bath.
1114
01:37:44,898 --> 01:37:46,278
Great idea!
1115
01:37:46,978 --> 01:37:51,058
I have an enormous bathtub at home
and pine-scented bath oil.
1116
01:38:08,777 --> 01:38:10,467
What now?
1117
01:38:11,878 --> 01:38:13,856
I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.
1118
01:38:14,448 --> 01:38:16,789
OK, but not Italian.
1119
01:38:17,188 --> 01:38:21,214
But I know a great place to eat,
with the world's best pasta and sauces.
1120
01:38:21,635 --> 01:38:25,573
Really? - Yes, it isn't far from here.
Just straight across the ocean.
1121
01:38:26,127 --> 01:38:29,615
Sicily is closer than you think.
- Are you serious?
1122
01:38:30,363 --> 01:38:32,006
Sure I am.
1123
01:38:32,689 --> 01:38:34,301
We have enough time.
1124
01:38:35,683 --> 01:38:37,358
Ever been to Europe before?
1125
01:38:38,117 --> 01:38:38,970
- No.
1126
01:38:39,380 --> 01:38:42,739
There you go.
I'll show you my home.
1127
01:38:43,639 --> 01:38:45,236
I'll show you Etna
1128
01:38:45,639 --> 01:38:46,871
and my mother.
1129
01:38:47,677 --> 01:38:48,964
Will she like that?
1130
01:38:49,400 --> 01:38:50,253
No.
1131
01:38:51,196 --> 01:38:54,307
But we needn't tell her
you're not a virgin anymore!
1132
01:38:56,898 --> 01:38:58,820
You really wanna resign from the force?
1133
01:38:59,531 --> 01:39:00,634
I'm not sure.
1134
01:39:01,654 --> 01:39:04,910
It would have one disadvantage, though.
- What's that?
1135
01:39:05,659 --> 01:39:09,163
You'd never call me Cop again,
and I like it when you do.
1136
01:39:09,564 --> 01:39:12,076
I promise I'll always call you Cop.
1137
01:39:12,782 --> 01:39:13,851
Really?
1138
01:39:15,588 --> 01:39:16,791
Say it again.
1139
01:39:17,138 --> 01:39:17,987
Cop.
1140
01:39:20,185 --> 01:39:21,177
Again.
1141
01:39:21,735 --> 01:39:22,665
Cop.
1142
01:39:26,220 --> 01:39:27,245
Again!
1143
01:39:28,172 --> 01:39:29,100
Cop.
1144
01:39:31,051 --> 01:39:32,141
Again.
1145
01:39:32,947 --> 01:39:34,389
Kiss me, Cop!
86768
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