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1
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,679
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
2
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:12,985
-Suture.
-Suture.
3
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:15,945
-Scissors.
-Scissors.
4
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:17,599
Can't you work
any faster, Frank?
5
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,079
Haste makes waste.
6
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:22,299
Never at a loss for
a cliché, are we?
7
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:23,605
Is everything
all right here?
8
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:24,910
Yeah, it will be as
soon as Frank stops
9
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:26,695
sewing his fingers
together.
10
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,479
You missed a fragment!
11
00:01:28,479 --> 00:01:30,612
Well, why didn'tyou give me suctionso I could see it?
12
00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:32,309
You didn't ask
for any, doctor.
13
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:33,397
You're useless!
14
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,182
Help around here'simpossible!
15
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,401
Why don't you find yourselfanother war, Frank?
16
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,360
-Forceps.
-Forceps.
17
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:44,713
There's your fragment!
18
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:49,892
I don't ever want herat my table again.
19
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,981
She's an incompetentbungler!
20
00:01:51,981 --> 00:01:54,375
And you got that froman expert on the subject.
21
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,423
I can think of better waysto spend a morning.
22
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:01,251
Back home
I could be giving
23
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:03,340
some nice blue-haired ladya hysterectomy.
24
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:07,127
How aboutselling married coupleshis-and-her-terectomies?
25
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,954
Oh, you're punchy.
26
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:11,566
The natural resultof pulling bits of hardware
27
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:14,177
out of teenage bellies.
28
00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:17,876
This place is driving me outof my already demented mind.
29
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:21,010
My head is gettingwall-to-wall crazy.
30
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:22,533
Would you like a drink?
31
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,709
Is gas inflammable?
32
00:02:31,107 --> 00:02:34,371
Hey! Ginger! Ginger!
33
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,686
Did you know Frank Bums
was stolen by Gypsies
as a little boy?
34
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:48,255
No.
35
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,474
Police found him,
brought him back
to his parents.
36
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,172
They refused delivery.
37
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,522
So then
the police brought him
back to the Gypsies,
38
00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:56,176
but they didn't
want him either.
39
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,655
So then the cops
brought him to the woods
40
00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,353
hoping the bears
would raise him.
41
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:02,660
After one day with Frank,the bears attacked the Gypsies.
42
00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:06,098
Thanks, Hawkeye.
43
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,626
It's about time
for Frank to be taking
44
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:14,585
his post-surgery nap now,
isn't it?
45
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,134
Henry, that tooth'sreally bad.
46
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,919
Here, hold this backwith your tongue.
47
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,007
Uh-huh.
48
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:50,621
This is it!
Colonel, this is it!
49
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,319
I know I've asked for
a transfer before,
50
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,669
but this time
I mean it! I want out!
51
00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:55,974
Ow!
52
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,499
Uh, Frank, will you
just calm down?
53
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:01,241
What-What's happened
to your hook--
Uh, your hand?
54
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,243
McIntyre and Pierce,
that's what happened.
55
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,809
And for the last time!
56
00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:08,248
I don't care
which MASH unit
you send me to,
57
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,685
I want a transfer,
and I want it now!
58
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,600
Look, I can't
transfer you
59
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,254
with your arm
looking like that.
60
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,081
There's nothing
wrong with my arm!
61
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:17,996
And you're not
gonna change my mind.
62
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:21,783
I've had those two
up to here!
63
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,219
You better cut
that thing off
64
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:24,612
before you hurt
yourself.
65
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:28,224
You have no idea
what it's been like
66
00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:29,921
living with
those two perverts!
67
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,576
Oh, they're
not really so...
68
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,317
They're not?
69
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,928
I take my life in my handsevery time I go to bed.
70
00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,756
I woke up one morningand found they'd given me
71
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:41,019
"The Princess and
the Pea" treatment!
72
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,586
"The Princess
and the Pea"?
73
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:45,067
BURNS: They nailed five cots on top of each other.
74
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:49,201
I was sleeping 12 feet off the floor!
75
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,249
It's a good thingyou don't walkin your sleep.
76
00:04:57,166 --> 00:05:00,082
I don't think
it's funny at all.
77
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,127
Uh... of course not.
78
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:05,217
Nor is it humorous to
wake up with hamburger
stuffed in your ears.
79
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:07,872
BLAKE: Hamburger stuffed in your ears?
80
00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:12,312
BURNS: Do you know what it's like being awakened by a wet nose?
81
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:15,315
Frank, just leave mymarried life out of this.
82
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,187
Doctor, watch it before
I swallow your watch.
83
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:19,754
Sorry, sir.
84
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:22,844
Look, Frank, you bringa lot of this on yourself.
85
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,759
Oh, really?
86
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:27,501
Well, I certainly didn'tbring last night on myself.
87
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:30,330
BLAKE: Last night?
88
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,548
It's not too hot,is it?
89
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:33,550
We don't wannawake him up.
90
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,117
Just right.
91
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,689
You sure thisis gonna work?
92
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:44,082
As sure as
Niagara Falls.
93
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:02,666
Oh...
94
00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:06,888
This is terrible.
I...
95
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:13,895
Oh! You guys!
96
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:22,338
Okay, Frank.You'll get your transfer.
97
00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:24,427
Thank you.
98
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:26,777
You know--
You know, Frank?
99
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:29,432
As-as roughas it's been sometimes,
100
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:31,086
I think I'll miss you.
101
00:06:31,086 --> 00:06:32,740
Well, it might not
have come to this
102
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,045
if you'd had the
backbone to maintain
103
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,612
some discipline
around here.
104
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:38,702
Well, so much
for missing you.
105
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:51,019
This can't be
Death Valley Scotty,
can it?
106
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:52,934
No, that's one ofthose guys that lets you
107
00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:55,415
sit on his pony whilehe takes your picture.
108
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,461
If you're looking
for the Gold Rush,
109
00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,463
you take a left turn,and go down the roadabout 100 years.
110
00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:02,291
Okay, okay,
you guys.
111
00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:04,467
What if I told you thatthere's real gold out there?
112
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,034
Come out of
the sun, Radar.
113
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,601
Your brain is
getting a tan.
114
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:09,646
I'm not kidding.
I looked it up.
115
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,431
It just so happensKorea's the fifth largest
116
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,128
gold producer
in the world.
117
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:16,131
And the first largest
producer of Koreans.
118
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,264
Take a look at these.
119
00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:22,093
I found 'em down
by the creek.
120
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,834
McINTYRE:It's not real gold, Radar.
121
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,357
What you got thereis pyrite.
122
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,838
And if you're smart, you'llsee your dentist right away.
123
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:30,275
I'm telling you,
that's gold.
124
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:34,236
Frank?
Flowers?
125
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,282
I asked for
light chocolates.
126
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:38,762
I'm allergic
to flowers.
127
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:40,677
-They're not for you.
-Hot Lips?
128
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,200
I'm allergic
to her, too.
129
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,638
What a relief it is toknow that after tomorrow
130
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,857
I'll never have tolisten to you two again.
131
00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:48,511
Having your ears
removed, Frank?
132
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:51,819
Colonel Blake has
okayed my transfer.
133
00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:54,604
You're serious, Frank.You're leaving.
134
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,650
Abso-tively!
135
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:59,217
Gee, Frank, this place won'tseem the same without you.
136
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:00,654
It'll be terrific!
137
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,967
Now, this has to be
the farewell scene
of all time.
138
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:16,452
-Margaret?
-Frank!
139
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,585
Oh, did you cutyour head again?
140
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:21,065
Yes, I cut
my head again.
141
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:24,852
For you.
142
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:25,896
Oh, how sweet!
143
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:29,421
Long-stemmed...
stems?
144
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:30,858
Well, they werechrysanthemums
145
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,599
before Pierce andMcIntyre got at 'em!
146
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,644
Why would they
destroy your flowers?
147
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,516
Well, why would theyput cream cheese inmy house slippers?
148
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,169
Do I know?
149
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:40,171
They're crazy!
150
00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:41,259
It takes a certainkind of man
151
00:08:41,259 --> 00:08:44,524
not to crackunder combat.
152
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,570
And we all know what kindof a man that is, don't we?
153
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:52,967
I talked to the cook.
154
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:56,318
He's bringing some
pork chops here tonight.
155
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,015
The kind you like...
156
00:08:58,015 --> 00:09:01,932
with extra fat.
157
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:04,979
Margaret, I have somethingvery painful to tell you.
158
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:08,112
You can't come
to dinner tonight?
159
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,810
I've put in fora transfer.
160
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:14,118
-A transfer?
-But we can still
make dinner.
161
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,294
-It's not till tomorrow.-But, Frank, why?
162
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,209
Have I done something
to displease you?
163
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,950
Oh, no, Margaret.No, no!
164
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,343
Is it something
I haven't done?
165
00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,866
Tell me and I'll do it.
166
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,651
Or if it's something
I've done, I'll undo it.
167
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,740
Darling, it's nothingyou've done, or did.
168
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,743
It's just that every manhas a breaking point,
169
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:32,006
and Pierce and McIntyrehave broken mine.
170
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:35,400
But last night you
said you loved me.
171
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,752
Oh, I do, Margaret.
172
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,318
Frank, you're
crushing my mums.
173
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,234
FRANK: I don't mean to hurt you.
174
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,671
It's the last thing in the world I'd want to do.
175
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:47,412
Margaret:
And yet you're
leaving me.
176
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:49,545
Oh, it's not forever, Margaret.
177
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:53,114
There'll be other wars.
178
00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:54,768
I'll be devastated
without you.
179
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:56,683
You know that.
180
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:59,903
I'll write you...everyday, faithfully.
181
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,122
You promise?
182
00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:03,690
Frank: Just like I do my wife.
183
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,909
Margaret, we're both mature, grown-up adults.
184
00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:07,041
We...
185
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,477
Margaret, what're you doing?
186
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,174
Put that down! It's government property.
187
00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:15,789
It's chilly out there.How 'bout a drink?
188
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:17,965
If you need a reasonto drink, you shouldn't.
189
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,575
Double or a triple?
190
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:22,839
How about the first
quintuple martini
in medical history?
191
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:25,189
How about you, Frank?
One for the road?
192
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:27,017
I make it a point
never to drink
with strangers,
193
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,410
and as of right now,
194
00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:30,499
I don't know
either one of you.
195
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,457
Oh, it's chillyin here, too.
196
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:35,722
Make Frank a Shirley Temple.And put it on my tab.
197
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:38,072
You're nothing
but common drunks.
198
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:41,597
That is a rumor startedby people I've fallen over.
199
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,164
Laugh now,
200
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,818
but when this war
is over I'll go back
201
00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:47,908
to my country club
and my 30-foot yacht,
202
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,518
and you two will be
ship's doctors
203
00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,912
on a garbage scow
somewhere.
204
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:56,394
The typical
love-hate complex.
205
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:57,874
Freud said it best
when he said,
206
00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,702
"Never ask for
light chocolates."
207
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,922
You're both a disgraceto the medical profession
208
00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:03,663
let alone the
United States Army!
209
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,665
He's beginning
to soften.
210
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,364
Oh, I almost forgot.
211
00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:11,671
It's time to listen
to my favorite armed
forces soap opera,
212
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,890
"Just Plain MacArthur."
213
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,326
Soap operas now?
214
00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:17,111
You're deteriorating
by the minute!
215
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:19,417
MARGARET: I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
216
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:22,725
FRANK:
I'll write you...
everyday, faithfully.
217
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,205
"I'll write everyday,
faithfully."
218
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,947
Listen to that dribble,
that manure.
219
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,731
You know, anyone who
could listen to that...
220
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:31,995
MARGARET:
Frank, you're
crushing my mums.
221
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,432
That-that's-- that's...
222
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:37,435
That's right.Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure.
223
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,656
You dirty rat, you!
224
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:44,442
-James Cagney!
-You! Pierce!
225
00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:47,968
Frank, please, Frank!Hold it together, Frank.
226
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,230
You'll regret thisas long as you live!
227
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:50,318
I regret it right now,
Frank!
228
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,754
Believe me,
I already regret it.
229
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,277
MARGARET : Maybe we could arrange
230
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:55,279
to get leaves at the same time.
231
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:58,369
FRANK: We could meet in Tokyo.
232
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,632
Oh, Margaret, there's so much to do,
233
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:03,810
and so little time.
234
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:06,073
To think that the army of all things
235
00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,988
brought us together.
236
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:11,818
MARGARET: Some beautiful things can happen even in the army.
237
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:23,743
It's absolutely
inexcusable!
238
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,396
You two guys should
be sentenced to life
239
00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:26,920
in front of
a firing squad.
240
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,835
Really? We gotover 50 orders
241
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,706
if we can turn itinto an album.
242
00:12:30,706 --> 00:12:32,534
Somethin' the matterwith your mouth, Henry?
243
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,188
Yeah, there's somethin'the matter with my mouth.
244
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:36,886
I got a temporary
filling in a tooth
that's killing me!
245
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:39,280
Why don't we go tomy dentist in Detroit?
246
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,718
Boy, you guys just
don't get it, do you?
247
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,502
Look, the party
is over!
248
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:47,157
Now, I'm holding you bothdirectly responsible
249
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:50,552
for this unit losinga fair but competentgeneral surgeon,
250
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,293
and now
its head nurse!
251
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,903
Hot Lips is leaving?
252
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:56,514
She says she's been
publicly humiliated.
253
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:57,994
Well, she has.
254
00:12:57,994 --> 00:12:58,995
And to think of allthe times I offered
255
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:00,344
to humiliateher privately!
256
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:02,869
Boy, you guys
are impossible!
257
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,480
Well, fire us, Henry!Fire us!
258
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,264
Listen, big shot,
259
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:09,397
I'm gonna do
more than that.
260
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:11,355
I'm gonna do
more than that.
261
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,753
What am I doing?
This is my office.
262
00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:19,973
You guys, get out!
263
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,681
Hawkeye?
264
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,509
Hey, Hawk?
265
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:36,946
If I open my eyes andyou're not a blonde pushover,
266
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,469
you're in trouble.
267
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:41,472
It's me, Radar.
You gotta get up
right away.
268
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:43,997
One more word and I'll nailyour tongue to your nose!
269
00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,737
Well, I'm sorry.It's the colonel's orders!
270
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:48,566
Trapper, too.
You both have post-op
duty this morning.
271
00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:49,916
-Trapper?-What're you talking about?
272
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,874
We just came off
post-op duty!
273
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,007
Get your hands off of me.I'll clean off your glasses
274
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:55,486
and you'll find outwhere you are!
275
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:56,923
Well, Colonel Blakesays that both of you guys
276
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,968
from now are pulling
double duty
277
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,579
till he replaces Major Burnsand Major Houlihan.
278
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,451
Which, the way things
go in the army,
279
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:05,540
could be about10 o'clock next summer.
280
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,024
He can't do thatto us.
281
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:15,550
He'll wear us
to a frazzle.
282
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:19,859
I think maybe we
finally went too far.
283
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,252
You should've thoughtof that before we started.
284
00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:25,734
I was too busy
going too far.
285
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,263
I still don't know
what we're gonna do
286
00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:36,136
about Frank Burns.
287
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,267
Gimme a minute.
288
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:42,838
Want a martini?
289
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,884
No, thanks.I just put one away.
290
00:14:57,635 --> 00:14:59,420
What are you
laughin' at?
291
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:04,904
I think I have what
just might be an idea.
292
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:05,948
Yeah?
293
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,777
Three of the basichuman emotions
294
00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:11,345
are greed, fear,and greed.
295
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,868
So?
296
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:15,915
Frank Burns iscrazy about money.
297
00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:18,787
He married for money.
298
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:20,223
He became a doctorfor money.
299
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:21,659
If there was moneyin dying,
300
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,618
he'd throw himself undera truck in a minute.
301
00:15:24,662 --> 00:15:26,099
All of which means what?
302
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,927
Remember that story
Radar told us
303
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,972
about there being
gold in Korea?
304
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,756
Oh, Radar.
305
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,671
He's got the IQ
of a house plant.
306
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:36,326
Frank isn't much smarter.
307
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,459
If he thought he couldget rich staying here,
308
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:39,939
he'd never leave.
309
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,336
Now, how about
a martini?
310
00:15:47,468 --> 00:15:48,991
I don't care howdrunk you make me.
311
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,558
I'm not goinghome with you.
312
00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,042
He must have some
around here someplace.
313
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:58,392
Every dentist does.
314
00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,960
I don't know how
anyone can be a dentist.
315
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,876
Imagine keeping
your hand in a bunch
of wet mouths all day.
316
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,748
Gives youwrinkled fingers.
317
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,054
-Ugh.
-Hey!
318
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,928
That looks like
a gold filling.
319
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:14,016
Perfect.
320
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,322
Must be Henry's.
321
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,497
If it is, it'sthe only good thing
322
00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:18,455
that ever came outof his mouth.
323
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:27,116
Shh!You'll wake him.
324
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,336
How much gold do you
think we got tonight?
325
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,120
Ah, forget it,he's still asleep.
326
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:35,864
How much gold do you
think we got tonight?
327
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:37,518
I don't know, but wefound enough out there
328
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:38,606
to buy Frank'scountry club
329
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:40,347
and have him thrownout of it.
330
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:43,002
In my wildest dreams,
I never thought I'd
be this rich.
331
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,351
Let me buy you
a drink.
332
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:49,704
Let's finish theseand go back to the creek
333
00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:50,966
and get some more.
334
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,272
Don't be greedy.
335
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,274
I'm putting mine
under my bed.
336
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,276
Why not under my bunk?
337
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:59,931
Stop pulling it!
You spilled some!
338
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:01,324
Shh-shh-shh.
339
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:06,242
Quiet, you'll
wake him up.
340
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,636
Shh! Where are you
going with that?
341
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,725
The First
National Latrine.
342
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,509
Aren't you afraidof being robbed?
343
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:14,859
You ever heard of
a latrine bein' robbed?
344
00:17:14,859 --> 00:17:16,992
I'm going with you.
345
00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:55,204
What'd I say?
346
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:56,510
Were you talking?
347
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,599
Oh, really, Frank.
348
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:01,471
These rocks!
349
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:04,953
Why'd you pick suchan awful rocky placefor a walk?
350
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:06,607
Well, I just wanted
a last look around,
351
00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:07,912
you know, sort of
a sentimental journey,
352
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,697
and I...
353
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,351
It's so unlike you.
354
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:12,917
You never likedthe outdoors.
355
00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:18,140
Well, that's ridiculous!
356
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,968
I love the outdoors!
357
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,100
Any time I'm
not indoors,
358
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,405
that's where
you'll find me.
359
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:30,979
OK, Mom.
360
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,533
Say what?
361
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:04,926
Shh.
362
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:08,364
It's all right, Radar.
363
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:11,411
I... just wantedto borrow something.
364
00:19:11,411 --> 00:19:13,543
Yes, sir.
365
00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:32,519
Do you, uh...
366
00:19:32,519 --> 00:19:34,521
always sleep witha teddy bear?
367
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:37,306
Well, not when
I'm on duty, sir.
368
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,098
It's okay. It's okay.
369
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,363
Bad man go away.
370
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,984
If I dig one foot deeper,I'll be AWOL.
371
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,832
Gold!
372
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,312
Gold!
373
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:32,840
Gold, gold!
374
00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:39,150
-Colonel Blake, I have, uh---Oh, Frank, do you know what--
375
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,241
What happened to you?
376
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,156
I, uh... fell down.
377
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:48,899
Really?
How many times?
378
00:20:48,899 --> 00:20:50,336
I've got to talk
to you, sir.
379
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,424
Not now, Frank.
380
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,077
I just losta temporary filling
381
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:57,168
and every time I suck air,it's a new adventure in pain.
382
00:20:57,168 --> 00:20:59,823
I've decided
not to go, sir.
383
00:20:59,823 --> 00:21:02,391
Frank, if you think you'regonna sleep here tonight,
384
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:03,871
you're crazy.
385
00:21:03,871 --> 00:21:07,440
I mean, my transfer!
I want to stay!
386
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,832
Oh, for cryin'out loud, Frank!
387
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,878
I went to a lot of troubleto accommodate you!
388
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,880
Well, tear them up!
Tear up my orders!
389
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,142
I don't wanna go!
390
00:21:14,142 --> 00:21:15,230
What about Pierceand McIntyre?
391
00:21:15,230 --> 00:21:17,014
Great guys!
Fun-loving...
392
00:21:17,014 --> 00:21:18,842
-A little-- What?
-Frank?
393
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,583
You've been pushingyour stethoscope
394
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:21,889
too far into your ears.
395
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,978
I think it scratchedyour brain.
396
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:26,502
Well, think
whatever you like.
397
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:29,113
But I don't want
to leave here.
398
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:31,725
-There it is!
-Where?
399
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:34,249
It's just rightunder your foot.
400
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,995
Is this your finaldecision, Frank?
401
00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:45,434
Absolutely and
irrevocably, yes.
402
00:21:45,434 --> 00:21:46,914
I never want
to leave here.
403
00:21:46,914 --> 00:21:50,091
I'm yours, forever.
404
00:21:50,091 --> 00:21:52,267
I gotta tell yousomething, Frank.
405
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:55,183
I've gone to sleepwith happier thoughts.
406
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:00,667
But, Frank,
I'm all packed!
407
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:03,234
What do you mean,
we're not leaving?
408
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:04,758
The colonel hasrescinded my orders.
409
00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:06,629
You'll just haveto unpack.
410
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,588
I've said goodbye
to all the nurses.
411
00:22:08,588 --> 00:22:11,547
They even gave me
a farewell present.
412
00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:14,637
They must have spent
at least two dollars.
413
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:17,031
Well, Margaret,I can't leave now.
414
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:18,815
Something's...come up.
415
00:22:21,992 --> 00:22:23,907
Who is she, Frank?
416
00:22:23,907 --> 00:22:25,866
Who? Is who?
417
00:22:25,866 --> 00:22:28,651
You're seeing
another woman.
418
00:22:28,651 --> 00:22:29,826
Are you crazy?
419
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:32,307
I'm a happilymarried man.
420
00:22:32,307 --> 00:22:35,266
Frank, I don't
understand any of this.
421
00:22:35,266 --> 00:22:37,399
Oh, don't cry, Margaret.
422
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,096
Ow.
423
00:22:39,096 --> 00:22:40,315
Or...
424
00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,186
go ahead, and I'lldry your tears
425
00:22:42,186 --> 00:22:44,145
with a goldhandkerchief.
426
00:22:44,145 --> 00:22:47,366
-What?
-Gold, Margaret.
427
00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:50,151
There's a fortunein gold out there.
428
00:22:51,326 --> 00:22:52,632
I've seen it!
429
00:22:52,632 --> 00:22:55,417
McIntyre and Piercehave a whole bag of it!
430
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:59,726
Wait a minute.
I smell a rat!
431
00:22:59,726 --> 00:23:03,207
No, two rats!
Two 14-carat rats!
432
00:23:03,207 --> 00:23:05,862
Oh, no. No, no.No-no-no-no.
433
00:23:05,862 --> 00:23:08,169
Let me prove it to you.
434
00:23:08,169 --> 00:23:10,171
Come on.
435
00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:18,135
Morning, Major Burns.Major Houlihan.
436
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:23,837
The secret's out!Come on!
437
00:23:30,974 --> 00:23:32,889
This way!
438
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:38,591
You see? You see?
439
00:23:38,591 --> 00:23:41,289
MAN : Attention, attention! All personnel.
440
00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:44,640
Tonight's double
feature is "Greed"
441
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,730
and "The Major was a Miner",
442
00:23:47,730 --> 00:23:52,735
starring Major Frank "There-Goes-My-Transfer" Burns.
443
00:24:20,546 --> 00:24:22,635
You did some good work
in there, Frank.
444
00:24:22,635 --> 00:24:25,246
-You really did.
-Hmph.
445
00:24:25,246 --> 00:24:27,378
We're sorry,
Frank.
446
00:24:27,378 --> 00:24:29,380
We really are.
447
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,905
Well, sometimes
a joke can get way
beyond an apology.
448
00:24:31,905 --> 00:24:34,429
Frank, they're tryingto make amends.
449
00:24:34,429 --> 00:24:36,344
Well...
450
00:24:36,344 --> 00:24:38,259
We'll never try to
make you look foolish
again, Frank.
451
00:24:38,259 --> 00:24:40,348
Scout's honor.
452
00:24:43,612 --> 00:24:46,006
Well...
453
00:24:46,006 --> 00:24:47,529
Okay.
454
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:50,140
I told you he
was a sweetheart.
455
00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:53,317
Oh!What are you doing?
456
00:24:53,317 --> 00:24:54,449
Stop that!
457
00:24:54,449 --> 00:24:56,103
-Pierce, let him go!-Wait your turn!
458
00:24:56,103 --> 00:24:58,235
Ugh!You let him go!
459
00:24:58,235 --> 00:24:59,585
You mean this
isn't a nurse?
460
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,849
How dare you!
32513
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