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1
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:02,714
Okay, sports fans, youready for the next hand?
2
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:05,239
My last handwas more like a foot.
3
00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:10,244
I thought
that was funny.
4
00:01:10,244 --> 00:01:12,159
When you're winnin',rigor mortis is funny.
5
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:13,769
How about Ugly John?
6
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:16,337
He's been playing the samehand for the last hour.
7
00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:18,643
-Winning or losing?
-Little of each.
8
00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:19,818
Well, wake him up.
9
00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,124
No! Forget it.
10
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,952
This is the first
I've enjoyed him.
11
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,520
Open for 5.
12
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,348
Call.
13
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:28,436
I'm in, shorty.
14
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:31,047
Stop makin' fun of my height!
15
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:33,223
What height? You haveno height to make fun of.
16
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:34,964
Go get some height.We'll make fun of it.
17
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,098
Hold it.
18
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:41,275
Oh, he hears
them again.
19
00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:42,624
Choppers!
20
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,800
Come on, the war'sback in the game.
21
00:01:46,628 --> 00:01:49,935
Hey, mateys, look!
Ace-high flush!
22
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,937
That wastwo hours ago.
23
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:03,775
Those cats inthe North really know
24
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,299
how to break upa poker game.
25
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:06,778
UGLY JOHN:
They saved me money,
26
00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,780
but I hate
their methods.
27
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,478
TRAPPER: Why don't we
have a war some time
28
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,219
with blank ammunition?
29
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,873
We tried it.No casualties, no fun.
30
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,788
There's too much chatter.
It's distracting.
31
00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,138
Especially, if you don'tknow what you're doing.
32
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,443
Pierce, do you mind?
33
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,097
We've got five morecases prepped and ready.
34
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:23,317
Tell 'em there'll be an
hour wait for a table.
35
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,014
Yeah, put 'em in the bar.Sell 'em a drink.
36
00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:26,407
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
37
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,191
I said clamp, clamp!
Come on, move it!
38
00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:30,411
Here you go, Frank.
Clamp.
39
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,152
Colonel Blake,
did you see that?
40
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,370
Yeah, he's a great hitter,
41
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,719
but he's got a lousy arm.
42
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,721
I don't need
your help, Pierce.
43
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,158
You better check with
your patient on that.
44
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,779
Psychologically,
that kind of eating
45
00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:53,173
indicates hostility,
aggression.
46
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,739
Destructiveness.
47
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:57,177
Why don't we get him
to eat North Korea?
48
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,092
What he doesn't finish
he can take home
in a doggy bag.
49
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,878
Do you mind?
50
00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:04,140
Give it some thought.
51
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,623
Pierce, I want
to ask you a question.
52
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,102
No, you may notborrow my fork.
53
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:12,104
Why do youfind it necessary
54
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,976
to make my lifemiserable in the OR?
55
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:16,152
Maybe because
you're so consistent.
56
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,589
Well. I'm just tryingto do my job.
57
00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:20,548
You screwed up today,like you do every other day.
58
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,245
That's what I call consistent.
59
00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,465
Would you mindtelling me how I did?
60
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:27,032
Frank, you're only
dignifying him.
61
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:28,860
Which is more
than I would do for you.
62
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,646
-Well?
-You think you'rethe only one who's busy.
63
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:34,736
You asked for helpthree times today. Three.
64
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,607
Give me some salt.I still still taste this.
65
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,348
And when you make a mistake,
66
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,655
you're not smart enoughto admit it and start over.
67
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,047
We're not here
to compensate for you.
68
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:43,266
I'll buy that.
69
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,137
-Me, too.-Well, I don't buy it.
70
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:46,269
Neither do I!
71
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,793
It's a tie: 2 against 50.
72
00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:50,142
You're inconsiderate,
73
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:51,666
insulting with your nurses,
74
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:52,841
bloody arrogant,
75
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:54,364
demanding,
distracting, and dumb!
76
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,540
Wow.
77
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:57,933
And those are
your good points.
78
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,717
You're alsosurgically incompetent.
79
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:01,241
-I'm--
-I wouldn't let you
80
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,547
operate on me for dandruff!
81
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:05,723
Oh, this is outrageous.
82
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:07,203
You keep out of this.
Where was I?
83
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,900
Surgically incompetent.
84
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,859
Surgically incompetent, right.
85
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:13,035
And, finally, you are a total
86
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:15,777
and definitive painin the gluteus maximus!
87
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:18,214
Frank,
did you hear that?
88
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:20,085
Would you like meto translate?
89
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:21,913
You can't talk
to me like that,
90
00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,306
not and get away with it!
91
00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:24,699
What're you gonna do?Eat me?
92
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,145
Ohh.
93
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:00,212
RADAR:
Knock-knock, sir.
94
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,347
This better be important,Radar.
95
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:07,263
It's Major Houlihan, sir.
She's throwing a fit.
96
00:05:07,263 --> 00:05:09,526
Then give hera distemper shot.
97
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,528
I've gotta get some sleep.
98
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:12,703
She says if you don't come,
99
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,618
she's gonna inform
General Clayton.
100
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,881
20,000 miles from home,
101
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,188
and I'm stillaggravated by a woman.
102
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:22,104
Sometimes I think my wifeoperates Major Houlihan
103
00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,627
by remote control.
104
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,194
What should I tell her, sir?
105
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,417
You go rightto Major Houlihan,
106
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,201
you set your jaw firmly,
107
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,769
and you look into those cool,killer eyes of hers,
108
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:37,467
and you tell herI'll be right there.
109
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:40,340
Yes, sir.
110
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,173
Hawkeye?
111
00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:50,350
Go away.
112
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,047
Colonel Blake
wants to see you
113
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:53,309
in his office right away.
114
00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:54,876
Tell him I died
115
00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:56,530
and didn't leavea forwarding address.
116
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,228
Hawkeye.
117
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,447
Would you--
118
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,935
So typical.
119
00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:13,024
Colonel Blake calls
you into his office,
120
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,809
and you chew him out.
121
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:17,246
You woke me out of one of thesexiest dreams of all time
122
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,769
to discuss morale?
123
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:21,250
-Pierce, morale is important.-Absolutely.
124
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,339
But how can we discuss
something we don't have?
125
00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,123
We don't have any
126
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:27,125
because of yourdisruptive influence!
127
00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:28,823
-I deny that.
-It's true!
128
00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:30,564
Oh, in that case,
I admit it.
129
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,522
The idea of reportingto your commanding officer
130
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:34,829
wearing nothing but a robe.
131
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:36,961
Would you like me
to take it off?
132
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:39,007
Pierce, that ruckusyou had with Frank
133
00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:41,052
has already spreadthrough the whole outfit.
134
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,490
So what?
Everybody already knows
about old butterfingers.
135
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:44,491
That's not news.
136
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,841
Colonel,
if he continues,
137
00:06:46,841 --> 00:06:49,365
I'm going to file
a formal complaint.
138
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,280
And I'll file
a counter-complaint
139
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,325
against Frank Burns'impersonating a surgeon
140
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:55,327
and masquerading
as a human being.
141
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:56,938
He's impossible!
142
00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:58,853
See? Even she agrees.
143
00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:00,942
Pierce, I want youto patch it up.
144
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:02,291
There's nothing to patch up,
145
00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:04,162
unless Frank's been
operating again.
146
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:05,816
He wants youto apologize.
147
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:08,993
In public, for the way
you insulted him.
148
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:10,778
Apologize?
149
00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:12,127
Like "I'm sorry, Frank.
150
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,868
You're a great guy
and a fine surgeon"?
151
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,130
If I tried to say that,
152
00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:16,784
my tongue would
snap off its roller.
153
00:07:16,784 --> 00:07:18,394
-Pierce---People have to be warned
154
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,788
that Frank Burns
is dangerous with
sharp instruments
155
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,572
like scalpels
and probes.
156
00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:25,096
Pierce, listen,there is a war on.
157
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,968
Nothing gets by you, Henry.
158
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,450
See you in
the funny papers.
159
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,850
Oh, boy, his kid needs morethan a new set of plugs.
160
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:41,069
Look at that.
161
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:42,679
Iliac artery?
162
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:45,029
Yeah. The lace-curtaineffect's done
163
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:46,901
by a fragmentation grenade.
164
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,512
Gimme some suction here.
165
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,644
Suction.
166
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:53,560
What's the score, John?
167
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,865
He's doing pretty well,
168
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:56,476
considering what
you're doing to him.
169
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:00,871
Okay, the bleeding
seems to have stopped.
170
00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:02,612
-Let me have that bonecutter.-Right.
171
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:03,744
Bonecutter.
172
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:13,101
Interior vertebral
body is fractured.
173
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,059
I'm going to go inafter that big fragment.
174
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,626
-Forceps.
-Forceps.
175
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:27,594
Do you thinkhe'll be paralyzed?
176
00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:30,988
Not if these ten fingershaven't lost their magic.
177
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:37,038
There we are, folks.
178
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:39,649
-"Made in USA."
-You're joking.
179
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,825
Just wanted to see
if you were awake.
180
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:47,657
Private Thompson?
181
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,659
You did him yesterday.
182
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,836
Multiple fragment wounds.
Lacerated iliac artery.
183
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,708
So what's his problem?
184
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,274
Outside of the fact thathe ought to be back home
185
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:57,667
with his girlfriendat the movies.
186
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,974
Oh, he has a fever,
abdominal pain...
187
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,890
urinary output
50cc an hour.
188
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:06,154
Pulse rate 112,
blood pressure 110 over 70.
189
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:08,852
I've heard better newsin my time.
190
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,158
Hiya.
191
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:12,334
This is Dr Pierce.
He operated on you.
192
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:13,378
Hi, Doc.
193
00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,598
-How's it goin'?
-Lousy.
194
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:17,078
Well, that figures.
195
00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:18,819
You were on the tablea long time.
196
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,690
People were beginning to thinkwe were going steady.
197
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:22,562
My gut hurts.
198
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,607
Yeah.
199
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,261
Okay, I'll be right back.
200
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,524
Don't run off and re-enlist.
201
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,744
-What's his temperature?-101.
202
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,354
Oh, terrific.
203
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:34,312
Hey, how about a littlegolf this afternoon?
204
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:36,271
After the mortarbarrage last night,
205
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:37,794
we got a 19th and 20th hole.
206
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,361
No, I can't.
207
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,754
Start him on IV penicillin.
208
00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:42,277
He may be developing
a wound infection.
209
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:43,365
Right.
210
00:09:43,365 --> 00:09:45,062
And I want to get
a blood count,
211
00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:46,542
so bring me the tubes,
right away, okay?
212
00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:47,543
Yes, sir.
213
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:48,849
Somebodydouble-cross ya?
214
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:50,198
Yeah, that kid over there.
215
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:52,374
Yesterday I repaireda hole in his Iliac artery.
216
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,768
I removed a large fragmentnear his spinal cord.
217
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:56,987
Hmm? Penetrate the dura?
218
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:58,075
No.
219
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,729
And no sign of paralysis.
220
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,992
Hmm?So what's the problem?
221
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:04,299
Well, he's got a
temperature of 101.
222
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:07,432
Well, thatcould be just a normalpost-operative reaction.
223
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:09,086
Penicillin mightbring him around.
224
00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:10,697
Yeah, but "might"
isn't good enough.
225
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,350
I want to be sure of it.
226
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,265
See ya at the movieslater?
227
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,093
What's playing?
228
00:10:16,093 --> 00:10:18,966
Bride of the Gorillaand Bonzo Goes to College.
229
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:22,273
I think I'll wait for
the books to come out.
230
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:24,188
Okay. It's your loss.
231
00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:27,365
Hey.
232
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:28,976
Good luck with the kid.
233
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:33,937
TRAPPER:How's the chicken, Radar?
234
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,853
Beautiful.
Is that what it is?
235
00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:39,203
I think the same peoplewho make the camouflage
236
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,378
make the gravy.
237
00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:43,338
Hey, how's Thompson?
238
00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:46,341
Still downhill.
239
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:47,821
His white blood count 18,000,
240
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,692
temperature up to 102.
241
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,912
He may be developing
an abscess.
242
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:54,131
Isn't Tompson the boy
we worked on together?
243
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:55,785
He's falling apart on me.
244
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:58,788
I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
245
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,007
Keep out of this, Frank.
246
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,878
Well, what went wrong,Super Surgeon?
247
00:11:01,878 --> 00:11:04,446
Operating withone hand tied behindyour back again, hmm?
248
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:08,319
Hey, Frank, why
don't you let that cut
under your nose heal?
249
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:10,321
Just play kneesies
with Big Mama.
250
00:11:10,321 --> 00:11:11,671
Forget I'm here.
251
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,803
Why not give usthe whole story?
252
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:14,978
You shot your mouth off
253
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,240
with no trouble herelast night.
254
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,807
Put a lid on it,Frank.
255
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:19,417
Was it something you didor something you didn't do
256
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,202
or something youforgot to do, or, uh...
257
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,725
Get off me!
258
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,640
Last night I wasMr. Screw-up, remember?
259
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,729
Dr. Screw-up!And it still goes!
260
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,296
Oh, really?
261
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:30,472
Well, I haven't killedanybody this week.
262
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,256
What about you, big shot?
263
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,435
NURSE:Hit him, Pierce!
264
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:39,568
-Come here, Frank!
-I don't care!
265
00:11:39,568 --> 00:11:41,657
MARGARET:Stop it! Stop it!
266
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:45,095
Stop it!
267
00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:47,794
I'll kill him!
268
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:49,404
You'll have to
kill me first!
269
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,319
That's the best offerI've had today!
270
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:34,231
We didn't need the bed,so I didn't disturb him.
271
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:36,103
Well, he didn't get backto the Swamp last night,
272
00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:37,626
so I figured hegot a better offer.
273
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:38,975
No such luck.
274
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,934
You fell asleep.
275
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:43,023
No kidding. I figured
that when I woke up.
276
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,981
Do you often makehouse calls like this?
277
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,678
Only for some patients.
278
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,506
Oh, patients--
279
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:49,769
What happened?
How's he doin'?
280
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,814
Last night's box score.
281
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:57,472
Oh, damn it,
he's not gettin' anywhere.
282
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,953
He's falling back
in some ways.
283
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,433
All right, same
orders, Lieutenant.
284
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,696
No change. Keep a closewatch on him.
285
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,263
I'll be backin a little while.
286
00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:07,308
Okay.
287
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:27,545
Hi.
288
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:28,677
Hi.
289
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,032
How's Thompson?
290
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:38,469
Is that the only questionanyone can ask me?
291
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,428
Well, what's
wrong with that?
292
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:44,345
It reminds me that I'mnowhere with that case,
293
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,781
and it's driving me buggy.
294
00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:47,565
So please don't ask!
295
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,306
Okay, I won't.
296
00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:50,786
He's about the same.
297
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:55,486
How 'bout some
poker tonight?
298
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,271
I got the missus
to send me a check
299
00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:58,576
made out to you,
300
00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:00,056
just to make
things easier.
301
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,362
I don't think so.
302
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,625
You're no fun at all.
303
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,845
Go shower with the nurses!
304
00:14:10,153 --> 00:14:12,286
Ace-king,possible straight,
305
00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:13,417
pair of twos,
306
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,506
and a paregoric.
307
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,117
I'll check
to the ace-king.
308
00:14:17,117 --> 00:14:18,118
Likewise.
309
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:19,293
Five dollars.
310
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,556
I'm out.
311
00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:23,079
I call.
312
00:14:24,298 --> 00:14:25,516
Last card.
313
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,127
Down and dirty.
314
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:30,695
How much can I bet?
315
00:14:30,695 --> 00:14:33,785
Last card, 20 bucks.
316
00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:38,399
Well, if I can only
bet 20 bucks.
317
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:43,883
Take it.
318
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:48,148
-What'd ya have?
-I don't have to tell.
319
00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:49,540
How would you like
320
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,499
to donate a pint of bloodthrough the nose?
321
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,022
I didn't have anything.
322
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,632
Just ace high,
that's all.
323
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,547
You didn't have a pairor, uh, a straight
324
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:57,940
-or anything?
-No.
325
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:00,116
I threw away two tens!
326
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:03,250
-Who taught you to play poker?-You did!
327
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,426
Don't think you're goin'home when the war's over
328
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:07,297
'cause you and I are stayin'right here in Korea
329
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,733
until I get even.
330
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,779
Can't you guys do that somewhereelse?
331
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:13,651
Why don't you do what you'redoing somewhere else?
332
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,305
I'm not doing anything.
333
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:17,568
Well, you can do thatanywhere, can't you?
334
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:20,441
For cryin' out loud.
335
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,225
Come on, deal.
336
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,358
Okay, five-card draw,
jacks or better.
337
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,492
-RADAR: Sir?
-Hmm?
338
00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:30,190
Sir?
339
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:33,280
Oh, please, Mildred.
I've had a tough day.
340
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,978
No, it's Radar, sir.
341
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,588
What's the matter?Have we got casualties?
342
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:39,155
Uh, no, sir.
343
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:41,984
I was wondering if you couldlook after this for me.
344
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,769
I just won 800 bucksin a poker game.
345
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:49,644
You woke me for that,
Private O'Reilly?
346
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,080
Corporal, sir.
347
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,169
Nothing is forever,
Radar.
348
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:56,042
Oh, I-I'm sorry, sir.
349
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,173
It's just that I'm worried.
350
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:58,305
I'm afraidsomeone'll rob me.
351
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,481
Or the mice'll eat it.
352
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,962
You're trying to tell methat you beat Captain Pierce
353
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,224
playing poker?
354
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,921
No, sir.He moved out of the Swamp.
355
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,490
-He didn't.
-Yes.
356
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:10,839
He's terribly worried
357
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,536
about this case of hisnot getting better.
358
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:14,930
Yeah.
359
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:17,454
Will you look aftermy money for me, sir?
360
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:18,890
Yeah, only on
the condition
361
00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:20,805
that you never
wake me again.
362
00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:22,416
Well, it's a deal.
363
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:35,690
I promise.
364
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,779
He really movedout of the Swamp?
365
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,128
Yes, sir.
366
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,916
Yeah?
367
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,616
It's $803 exactly.
368
00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:50,183
Right.
369
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,234
Go away.
I gave at the office.
370
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:09,506
I told you to leave
me alone, Trapper.
371
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,073
It's me, you rat.
372
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,335
Been lookin' for youeverywhere.
373
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:13,858
What are youdoing here?
374
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:15,338
Trying to think.
375
00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:16,948
Well, why didn't youstay in the Swamp?
376
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:18,298
I can't think
in that place.
377
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:20,256
That place is an
upholstered cesspool.
378
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:21,736
Between the bubbling
of the still,
379
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,781
and the clicking
of the poker chips,
380
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,001
I'm losing what's left
of the little mind I
came here with.
381
00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:30,092
Lose your whistle?
382
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:32,877
It's Thursday.
383
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:35,837
Well, it certainly
seems like Thursday.
384
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,317
We have a date.
385
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:41,973
I'm sorry. Not this Thursday.
386
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:44,280
I got a case I just
can't get outta my mind.
387
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,674
I'm not interestedin your mind at all.
388
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:51,157
-Honestly--
-Knock, knock.
389
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,943
I, uh, whipped up a
little lubricating oil
390
00:17:54,943 --> 00:17:56,162
for the old brainbox.
391
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,206
Trapper.
392
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,947
Is the, uh, ahem,
393
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,167
finding a new approachto the problem?
394
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,430
-She was just leaving.
-Not on my account.
395
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,258
No, on mine.
396
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,303
Trap, thanks for the booze,
397
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,131
but I really do
want to be alone.
398
00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:13,614
What's going on here?!
399
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:15,355
Just because I want
some privacy,
400
00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:17,183
there's everything in here butthe kitchen sink!
401
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,706
-What's in there?
-Kitchen sink, sir.
402
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,403
Out! Out!
403
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,144
-Forgive me.
-If you say so.
404
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,015
Have you seen
Bride of the Gorilla
405
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,800
-and Bonzo Goes to College?-No.
406
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,715
Why don't we both
miss 'em together?
407
00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:30,761
You young people
just run along.
408
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,068
I'll bring you
some coffee later.
409
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:39,683
There is absolutelyno one here!
410
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,993
Um, Pierce,
I want to talk to you.
411
00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,777
Just take a number,
and sit down, Henry,
412
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:48,388
although I'd
rather you didn't.
413
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:51,042
I keep telling everybody
I want to be alone.
414
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,740
I don't mind talking
to you, Henry,
415
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,046
but wherever you are,
Radar's sure to follow.
416
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,919
Well, he's at the movies.We won't be interrupted.
417
00:18:57,919 --> 00:18:59,573
What you don't
seem to understand
418
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,444
is that you are
already interrupting.
419
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:03,707
-Then I'll say it fast.-Start.
420
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:06,797
Look, you're losingperspective.
421
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:08,451
You've got your guts in a knot
422
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,758
because one patienthas gone sour.
423
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,326
In an outfitlike this, that's bad.
424
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:14,805
I don't buy that.
425
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,764
You don't buy itbecause you're dedicated.
426
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:17,939
Well, shouldn't I be?
427
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:19,941
Depends...
428
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:21,551
whether you're dedicatedto your patient
429
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:22,726
or your ego.
430
00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:25,947
Henry, don't try to
practice psychiatry.
431
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,036
It always gives you
a headache.
432
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,082
Colonel Blake?
433
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:32,649
Did I tell ya?
The sun came up
434
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,173
and your three-foot
shadow appeared.
435
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,740
-Sorry. Sir?-Radar, whatever it is,it can wait.
436
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,351
Oh, sir, could you justsign these, please?
437
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,657
-Can't these wait?
-Henry, sign it!
438
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:43,138
It's so next week we canget Love Life of a Gorilla
439
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:45,358
and Bedtime for Bonzo.
440
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:47,664
What would you take
to desert?
441
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:51,538
I'm leaving,I'm leaving.
442
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:53,583
But not before I tell you
443
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:56,282
to give up the luxury oftrying to be Dr. Perfect
444
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:58,501
in this-- in this
GI butcher shop.
445
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,329
You know, you can
save that luxury
446
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:02,853
for when you go back hometo your private practice,
447
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:04,725
where you can pick
the kind of patients
448
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:06,335
that won't go sour on ya.
449
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:13,255
-You know something, Henry?-What?
450
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,518
You're not nearly as dumb
as I thought you were.
451
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:17,346
Thanks.
452
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:20,044
-You know something, Pierce?-What?
453
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:22,786
You're disgustingwhen you try to be nice.
454
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,266
See you around.
455
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:52,076
Captain Pierce.
456
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,471
Taken to cruisingthe compound, Major?
457
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:58,431
Can't you put your hostilityaside for one minute?
458
00:20:58,431 --> 00:21:01,172
Oh, all right. I'll stack
it on top of my anger.
459
00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:03,610
I've been thinkingabout Thompson.
460
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,828
Welcome to the club.
461
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:08,528
Sort of going over itin my mind, and...
462
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,227
Well, is it possibleyou missed something?
463
00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:14,360
I'm not tryingto be a wise guy.
464
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,796
That I missed something
465
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,058
is not exactly
a new thought.
466
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:18,538
But what?
467
00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,540
There were an awfullot of fragments.
468
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:22,063
You couldn't accountfor every one of them.
469
00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:23,369
I thought I did.
470
00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:27,068
Look, there could've been
more damage, but where?
471
00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:29,288
Could it have nickedthe small intestine?
472
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,115
Impossible.
473
00:21:31,115 --> 00:21:33,117
I couldn't have
missed that.
474
00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:37,165
I ran-- I ran the bowel
before I closed him up.
475
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,949
What about,what about the--
476
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:40,342
No, come on,
look, just--
477
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:41,909
You were-- you were
just assisting.
478
00:21:41,909 --> 00:21:43,345
I ran the controls.
I ought to know.
479
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,955
Well, you obviously don't.
480
00:21:44,955 --> 00:21:47,088
Oh, and I'll just hang
a diploma in the latrine
481
00:21:47,088 --> 00:21:48,481
and open a hotdog stand!
482
00:21:49,830 --> 00:21:51,440
Good night, Major.
483
00:21:53,355 --> 00:21:54,530
Good night.
484
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:05,236
Hey.
485
00:22:07,282 --> 00:22:08,501
Hey!
486
00:22:10,198 --> 00:22:12,069
Hey, hey!
487
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,165
Hey, wake up!
Come on, wake up.
488
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,820
Let's go! Open the door!
489
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:25,561
-What's the matter?-I'm opening him up again!
490
00:22:25,561 --> 00:22:27,433
-What?
-You're going
to assist me.
491
00:22:27,433 --> 00:22:29,522
-But wait till I
get some clothes on.
-Later.
492
00:22:29,522 --> 00:22:30,958
Go wake up Ugly Johnand get somebodyto prep Thompson.
493
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,220
-Come on! Move!
-Wait!
494
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:33,526
Can't it wait till morning?
495
00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:35,310
I said now. Move!
496
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:42,883
Sorry, Frank.
497
00:22:52,762 --> 00:22:54,242
Let me have some
suction here.
498
00:22:54,242 --> 00:22:56,766
-Suction.
-Gimme a lap sponge.
499
00:22:56,766 --> 00:22:57,941
Lap sponge.
500
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:01,075
-Anything?
-Not yet.
501
00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:05,253
Pick up some scissors.
502
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:06,994
-These okay?
-Yeah, fine.
503
00:23:08,343 --> 00:23:10,911
-How's he doin'?
-Pretty good.
504
00:23:10,911 --> 00:23:13,479
But don't muck about.
He's got a high fever.
505
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:15,394
Right, Doctor.
506
00:23:19,180 --> 00:23:20,355
Lap sponge.
507
00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:24,664
Sponge.
508
00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:35,805
Bingo!
509
00:23:35,805 --> 00:23:39,287
The shrapnel tore the backof the sigmoid colon.
510
00:23:39,287 --> 00:23:41,028
That has to be it.
511
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:43,247
Anybody could've missed that.
512
00:23:45,206 --> 00:23:46,381
Thanks, Frank.
513
00:23:49,253 --> 00:23:51,038
Okay, let's close him up.
514
00:23:55,129 --> 00:23:56,957
I'm so glad, Hawkeye.
515
00:24:06,053 --> 00:24:07,881
-You know something, Major?-What that?
516
00:24:07,881 --> 00:24:09,578
You're beautiful
when you sweat.
517
00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:21,329
What do you mean,
this is no longer my bunk?
518
00:24:21,329 --> 00:24:23,505
Wait a minute, pal.You spent two nights away,
519
00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:26,116
and this Captain Phillipsmoved in. That's it.
520
00:24:26,116 --> 00:24:29,642
Hey, Trap. You're talkin' toone of the founding fathers.
521
00:24:29,642 --> 00:24:31,339
I named this dump.
522
00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:33,646
I threw the first load
of garbage on the floor.
523
00:24:33,646 --> 00:24:36,213
-Sorry.
-Sorry, my butt!
524
00:24:36,213 --> 00:24:38,607
Lafayette, I am here!
525
00:24:42,524 --> 00:24:44,308
Hey, you know somethin'?
526
00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:47,660
When I see you
sitting there like that
527
00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:49,488
in your favorite chair,
528
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:52,969
with a glass of raw
spirits in your hand,
529
00:24:52,969 --> 00:24:55,276
thinking evil thoughts,
530
00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:57,626
I can't throw you out.
531
00:24:57,626 --> 00:24:59,889
If you kiss me,I'll throw up.
36610
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