All language subtitles for MASH.S01E16.The.Ringbanger.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Hey, Major, let me see
that X-ray, will ya?

Oh, yeah, right.Okay. All right, thank you.

Thank you!

Come on,
you little bugger.

Ah!

Gotcha.

Thanks to my experience

as pick-up-sticks championof southern Maine.

Now you can identify us
to your lawyer.

Uh, can I have
that bullet, Doc?

A souvenir.

Well, I had a buyback dealwith the sniper,

but all right.

Well...

a little thing like this

is not gonna
keep me off the line.

Frank, that'sColonel Buzz Brighton!

I saw his picturein Stars and Stripes.

-Oh, a colonel.
-Yeah.

I didn't realize that wewere carving on a full bird.

Yeah, instead
of a local,

we should've used
something imported.

Ah, you save that stufffor the sick guys.

Hey, listen,I'm not kiddin'.

When that localwears off,

you're gonna reallyfeel somethin'.

Why don't you come bythe Swamp later

for some homemadepainkiller.

The Swamp?

-Yeah, our tent.
-It's lovely.

Just knock on the "condemned"sign and come in.

Careful, Major.
Somebody's liable to
trip over your tongue.

Ooo! Wow.
That's great gin.

Oh, that's becauseit's aged.

Yeah, it's been cookingsince 8:00 this morning.

Can I get you a refill?

Ah, no, I'll get it.

Hey, listen, Buzz,you better use this cane.

You don't wanna
overwork that leg.

Well, I don't wannababy it, either.

You don't thinkthis is the first slug

-I've picked up, do ya?-Yeah, I noticed that.

You got more stitchesin your butt than a sampler.

All right,come on, fellas.

When can I get
back to my men?

Couple of days.

You know, you gottatake it easy.

Mental restis important, too.

Now look, don't put me
in the same league

with the battle
fatigue phonies.

That's just another way ofyelling "chicken" in my book.

I've heard of anxietyand overexposure to stress,

but, uh, I don't believeFreud ever mentioned chicken,

do you, Doctor?

I believe once,

in describing
his mother's soup.

Look, all I wanna dois get back to my outfit.

You know, this war
is not gonna wait

just because
I'm sidetracked.

I'll bet it got slowed downa little, though, didn't it?

Every time you get a wildhare and yell "charge,"

our surgery here is
standing room only.

Ah, casualtiesare part of the game.

If it costs ya a fewgood men to take a hill,

that's a price
you gotta pay.

I mean, some real estatedoesn't come cheap.

Well, to be honest,we're not too hotfor your business.

Taking care of youroutfit is a little bit

like making a house callat Custer's Last Stand.

You know, you guys
are really civilians.

Right down to ouryellow bellybuttons.

Now, you got your whole livesto perfect your trade.

I'm an army officer.

And this war, you know,is not gonna last forever.

Well, no war's perfect.

Now the way I look
at it is I only got a
certain amount of time

to knock off a couple
of thousand gooks,

turn a lot of
boys into men,

and make a few points
for myself.

With a little time left overto divide the Red Sea.

I'll leave
that for the Marines.

Oh...

Well, thanks for the hooch.

I think I'll go out

and get myselfa little exercise here.

I'll see ya.

Right...

Whaddaya say we
put him to sleep

and put the bullet
back in his leg?

Oh, he's a beauty.

We got us a real
ring banger here.

A what banger?

Didn't you see the way

he kept banging his ring
on the chair?

Yeah.

A little reminder that he's
a quarterback in this war

and we're just water boys.

Well, I got a feelinghe wouldn't be so tall

if he weren't standingon so many bodies.

Whaddaya say
we try to keep Buzz
around for a while?

I got the informationyou guys wanted.

You're a model of
industry and sneakiness.

Yeah, well my friend
at Walter Reed says

that, uh, Colonel Brighton'sphysicals have been perfect.

Let me see that.

That's disgusting.

This guy is so fit,

he'll be in good healthtwo years after he's dead.

Look at thisWest Point info.

Guess what he broke.

His back.

His front.

The all-time record fornever being on sick call.

Terrific.

And will you lookat this?

The guy's racked uptwice as many casualties

as any otherregimental commander

while only gaininghalf the ground.

I think this guy oughtacome outta the game

for a little while.

Why don't we gift wrap

a few dysentery germs
for him?

Is Colonel Blake in?

No, sir.He's in his tent, sir.

Good morning,
Frank.

Wouldn't you like to know?

The problem is in Buzz' mind.

That's wherewe ought to strike.

A little homemade
battle fatigue.

A karate chop to his reality.

What are you guysbuilding?

Even if I knew,I wouldn't tell you.

-But, sir--
-Oh! Ouch!

Oh, my ear.

Is there any blood?

Oh, for Pete's sake,
sir, you're a doctor.

Listen, Frank,I could paint a barn

with someone else's blood.

I just can't standto see my own.

I was right there
in the operating room.

It was a simple excision
of a bullet from his thigh.

No post-op infection,no evidence of a fracture,

no reason for him
to still be here,

except that maybe he'sbecome a drinking buddy

of Pierce and McIntyre.

Last night, they filled
a bucket with gin

and were bobbing
for olives.

You want to see me,Lieutenant?

I'm just leaving
to pick up

those supplies
in Seoul, Colonel.

Would you like to approvemy requisition?

I certainly would.

Excuse me, Frank.

Of course.

Ahem.

Make sure the sardines
are boneless

and the peanut butter's
chunky.

If they're
out of cheese balls,

get some smoked oysters.

Can I kiss your earand make it better?

Not in front of, uh,
El Jerkorino.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Never mind. Ahem.

Uh, carry on, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Now, then, Frank?

About Colonel Brighton, sir,

I think Pierce and McIntyremight be delib--

What--

Frank Burns is giving
Henry a hard time

about your patient
Colonel Brighton.

Oh, yeah?Oh, thanks, Leslie.

There'll be
a little something
under your pillow.

Me.

If you're unhappy, Frank,examine Brighton yourself.

I can? How can I everthank you, sir?

Try leaving.

Yes, sir.

MAN :
Will the owner of a
red pick-up truck,

Illinois license LU6751,

please fly back to Chicago

and remove it from
in front of the Y?

-Buzz?
-48, 49, 50.

Ah.

I feel great.

I was afraidof that.

-Absence of pain.
-Mm-hmm.

Could be an inflammationof the femur.

And could cause
paraesthesia.

-Or thrombophlebitis.
-Yeah.

With an extensionof the femoral vessels,

-resulting in a
pulmonary embolism.
-Right. Sure.

-What?-X-rays don't lie, Buzz.

Buzz, look, uh,

we've been goin' overyour whole history,

and, uh, we think
we should keep you
around for a week

-for observation.
-No way!

Buzz, look,it's the best thing to do.

No way!
They'll put someone else
in charge of my outfit.

We've considered
that possibility.

Look, do you mind if
I get a second opinion,

talk to Colonel Blake?

-Henry?
-Yeah.

Oh, well, uh,that's a good idea.

-Yeah.
-He's terrific,

if you catch him earlyenough in the day.

What do you mean?

Well, he slips awayonce in a while and--

Oh, he's a boozer, uh?

Oh, you don'thave to whisper.Everybody knows.

It's a tragedy, really.

Yeah. Yeah.See, Henry, uh,

Henry could've beenhead surgeon at Walter Reed.

But, uh, well, he was swackedwhen he did an appendectomy

on a general's wife.

It was a hell of a wayto take out her adenoids.

Well, what about, uh...

what's-his-name, Burns?

Now, he's a major.

-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

Well, no offense,
but you guys

are just captains,
aren't ya?

Oh...

-Oh, I get your point.
-Yeah.

Yeah, Frank is a...

terrific officer
and a great doctor.

That's good enough for me.

That other thing
doesn't matter at all.

No.

What other thing?

-Well, uh...
-I don't think--

-I don't think we should say.-No, I don't think so.

I mean, he neveractually got caught.

-That's right.
-Doing what?

Well, it's not Frank's faulthe showed up at an air raid

in high heels.

Do you mean
that he's a...

But a fine doctor.

And a great nurse.

A major?

Drop by later for a drink?

What? Oh. Yeah.

Colonel Brighton.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Oh?

I want to give you a checkup,

see what we can do aboutgetting you on your way.

Uh-huh.

Just let meget comfy here.

Whose are those?

Pierce and McIntyre,they're always bringin'nurses in here,

those degenerates.

Oh, you think that
they're degenerates, huh?

Oh, it really makesno never mind.

Now...

I want to feel your leg.

It feels fine.

What are you trying to do?

Take your pulse.

Well, can't you do it
without touching me?

Well, Colonel, I...

Now look.Forget it.

Afternoon, Colonel.

Your laundry, sir.

Thank you. I...

This stuff belongs
to Colonel Blake.

A little small for him,don't you think?

Oh, well,
they're not his.

Oh, no.

No, they belong to a
nurse friend of his.

Another one of thosedegenerates, right?

Well, I didn't
say that, Colonel. I--

Hey. What do ya say, Buzz,how's it going?

I just had a close callwith that Burns character.

Boy, you sure were
right about him.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Now, listen.

You've gotta get me
outta here.

Oh, we're doingthe best we can.

See, what you don't
understand is,

any time a body has
been opened surgically,

there's a shock
to the system.

Kind of a head lag.

Although,
your thigh is fine,

because you're not
suffering any leg lag.

Well, how long
do you figure?

-A couple of days?
-Oh, tops.

You know, just untilyou're really yourself again.

I am myself!

What are you
talking about?

Buzz?Uh, where are you going?

I'm going to my tent.

-This is your tent.-No, this is my tent here.

I remember it, because that'swhere the P.A. speaker--

...was.

-You'll be okay.-Oh, that Burns character,

he really got to me.

See, Buzz?

This is your sack.

And here isall your gear.

Yeah. Right.

HAWKEYE:
Take it easy, Buzz, huh?

Yeah, why don't youlie down a while?

You know, rest.

Come on, you got
no place to go.

Relax.
Finish your milk.

BUZZ:
What milk?

The milk you made such a fussabout getting this morning.

Oh.

See you later,
Buzz, huh?

Take a nice nap, okay?

Can we go to your tent,
please?

I've got something
I want you to see.

They all break in the end.

You'll, uh, you'll have toexcuse how the place looks.

Yeah, the painters
really left a mess.

I've just gone over
Colonel Brighton's file.

X-rays, the works.

He's 100% fit.

Why are you
keeping him here?

Look, do you want usto ruin this guy's career?

Put down what's really wrongwith him on his record?

Is that what you want?

What are you
talking about?

What am I talking about?

What am I talking about?

Well, um...

Uh, sometimes
a little, uh, wound

can trigger a bigger problem

that's just beneath
the surface.

That's whatI'm talking about!

Buzz Brighton has lostall confidence in himself.

Not just as an officer.As a man.

This morning there weretears on his pillow.

The bigger they are,you know.

More than oncethey found Patton

sobbing inside his tank.

I never dreamed...

Everybody thinkshe's a tower of strength.

But inside that colonelthere's a private...

that needs to be
cuddled and held,

just likethe rest of us.

Ah, nobody cares.

I want to thank you bothfor setting me straight.

Hi, Frank.

Want me to do your back?

No, thanks, Mr. Wisenheimer.

Hey, we got a poker
game scheduled in
the Swamp tonight,

but we'll try to be finishedby the time you get back.

I know you like
your beauty rest.

Oh, I'm not going
anywhere tonight.

I thought you had
a date with Hot Lips--

Uh-uh...
Major Houlihan.

I do not.

It's just that I saw hergetting all spiffed up.

I thought you two were gonnatip-toe through the minefield.

Spiffed up?

Yeah, you know,
hairdos, nail polish.

Never mind!

What the major does
is her own business.

After all, her affairs
are her own affairs.

Oh, and not that I meanto imply that she has any.

I don't go stickingmy nose into her hairdos.

And you would do very well tokeep your stories to yourself

and mind your own beeswax!

Take it easy, Frank.

You're getting
yourself into a lather.

-Margaret, who are you seeing?-Frank, what's wrong?

And where? It's him,isn't it? Buzz!

You got one look at his thighand you went crazy!

Frank! What--

Just because someoneis strong and muscular.

You're a pushoverfor powerfullybuilt guys like us.

It's nothing like that.

Then why the
new hairdo and...

And-and-and-and
the perfume, and...

-Frank, don't sniff.

-Oh, Margaret.
-Frank.

You're drippingon my foot.

Oh, I was just in
the shower, and I--

Well, you can't justcome in here drippingand sniffing!

Would you promise me
that there's nothing

between you
and the colonel?

Nothing!And that's an order!

Oh, Margaret.

Oh, Frank.

Remember the-the chief
nurse Major Houlihan?

-Yeah, the blonde.
-Right. Okay, now,

she's gonna be around
later to check you out.

And it's veryimportant, too, Buzz--

because, you see,after we sign your release,

she also has to
sign you out.

And she'sa great-looking gal.

Oh, you should see
her in a sweater!

She'll melt
your helmet line.

And passionate!

Oh, her lips are set
at automatic pucker.

-Hey, that's very good.-Listen.

Now, this should be
very interesting.

She really simmers,
our Hot Lips.

Well, you call her Hot Lips?

And not because
she's left-handed.

Thanks for
clueing me in.

Oh, there's only
one thing, Buzz.

Uh, she and
Colonel Blake, uh...

The boozer?

Hey, I'm glad
you told me.

Uh, where you going?

I'm going to my, uh...

tent.

Are you absolutely certain

that I have to be checked outfor small arms proficiency?

Yes, sir. It's something new.

It's probably on account
of, uh, the war.

It's right here in these
new orders that came--

Oh, never mind.
It just seems funny

they say do it
at night.

Night fighting, sir.

There's a lot of itthese days.

Yeah, but I'm a doctor.
I don't go running--

Necessary if youexpect to collect

your $325 pistol allowance.

Well...

for that kind of money,

I guess I can take
a shot in the dark.

Oh. That's probablya joke, isn't it, sir?

Anybody home?

What's up, Pierce?

Henry, can I keep thisbottle in your locker?

Nothing's safe
in the Swamp.

-Yeah, key's in the desk.-Thank you.

Oh, you wouldn't likea shot, would you?

It's a littlenippy out tonight.

Yes, sir, the temperature'sdropped to almost 98.

Well, maybe a wee dram.

Here's looking up
your old address.

-Oh--
-Colonel,

I'm Margaret Houlihan.

Uh, nice of you
to drop by, Major.

I'm not here
as an officer...

or as a nurse.

I'm here as a woman

who sees you not only
as a warrior

but as a man.

Oh.

Why, thank you.

A very exciting man.

Buzz,I want to help you.

Yeah, well, I think--

you know, the only
help I need, Major,

is just get a release, soI can get back to the front.

But we want to send you backconfident and strong.

I know you're worried
about this thigh.

No.

You want it to be
as strong as this one.

-Really, Major, uh--
-Margaret.

Ma-Major Margaret.

Uh...now, just do...

nothing to worry about.I'm not worried.

I'm gonna sit here,

and wanna relax,and be quiet.

And drink my milk.

Now this is really
the last one, Pierce,

because I have got
to shoot some targets.

And I didn't even know
they were in season.

Easy. Easy.I'm only human.

You don't have to
be human with me.

Colonel Brighton?
It's Frank Burns.

BOTH:Why can't he leave me alone?

FRANK: Colonel?

Don't say I'm here.

Don't say I'm here.

FRANK:Colonel, are you alone?

He can't keep his
hands off of me.

Colonel,
I know you're there.

He what?

Time fortarget practice, sir.

Oh, let's go, Henry.
Gotta get out there.

Okay.

Don't move, Korea.
This is a stick-up.

-See you down the road.-Okay.

You're due onthe range, sir.

♪ Where the deer and the antelope play ♪

♪ Where seldom
is heard... ♪

Right this way, sir.

♪ A discouraging word...

Yes, sir.

-After you, sir.
-Thank you.

You're welcome.

-Margaret!
-Oh, Frank!

Colonel Brighton!

Buzz, be careful!He's jealous.

Well, why should he be?I don't belong to him.

You rat!

Ow! Ow!

-What's going on here?
-Ooh.

Uh, Colonel,
look, I'm sorry.

I didn't know
he was your girl.

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't
know she was your girl.

Buzz, we wanted to askyour advice on re-enlisting--

You're drunk!

Oh, that's a dirty lie,

And I intendto press charges...

the minute I'm sober.

Now, look, Colonel,
don't get in a beef
just because of me.

-Now, Colonel---Get your hands off of me!

Keep your hands
off of me! Everybody!

Keep your hands off of me!
No examination!

I know how I am
and I know where I am.

I'm-I'm here.

I am here and this is my tentbecause that is my milk!

Yes, sir.

-Henry?
-What?

Don't you think you betterget out on the range? Hmm?

Me, too.

Oh, Colonel...

Don't shoot!

Give him a chance, Henry.

He's half out of his head
with battle fatigue.

-Right, Buzz?
-Right.

-Now listen, I want---The ambulance isright outside, sir.

Why don't we go outside
to an ambulance?

There's no more time.Communication'svery important.

You men, I'll see
you in the trenches.

What is the matterwith him?

Well, uh, Henry, he just
needs a little rest.

Sign this, sir.

-Am I signing?
-Yes, sir.

Something good?

You're sending Buzz
back to the States

to cool off for
a couple of months.

He'll needa lot more than that.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Now then, what about
the old target practice?

You goteight outta ten, sir.

I did?

You just missed out onyour $325 pistol allowance.

Oh, darn it.

Henry, what say we go
back to the Swamp, hmm?

Yeah, a little nightcap.

I would love to, fellas,

but I'm on duty.

Carry on.

You're getting better.

Boy, I live for the day

when you guysare outta my life!

Don't let them
get to you, Major.

Just trying to brighten thingsup a little bit, Frank.

Brighten things up?You're maniacs, you--

you and your friend!Both of you!

I don't know which oneof you is sicker!

I'd like just
the tip of it off

and turned up a little
at the end.

You know,
the Dick Haymes look.

Oh, you!